Danny is leaving. They've called him in, the Marines. That's what Nessa said.
It never occurred to her that he might leave. She did not imagine any scenarios where he would be the one leaving and where she would be the one left behind.
Funny how life works.
Sometimes she lets this childish feeling run over her skin and wrap itself around her tightly, squeezing her, and in that moment, she allows herself to think that nothing is forever and that nothing is carved in destiny. And somehow everyone gets to be together: everything works out just fine even when it shouldn't and everyone gets a happy ending.
It's stupid but she wants one, a happy ending, or at least, a part of it.
She doesn't see him most of the day because he's busy and she knows Mary needs him so she stays away.
And when Delinda asks her if she's avoiding Danny on purpose she says no and she doesn't care if Nessa sees right through her lie.
"It's going to kill you."
"What?"
"Knowing me. Loving me. It's going to kill you."
He shrugs and she bites into her apple, smirking.
With her white teeth, she could undress him and eat him alive and he would enjoy every second of it.
He's saying goodbye when she arrives. Joking, hugging and kissing everyone. She takes time to obverse him, to absorb every bit of him, from afar.
She knows she's going to miss him dearly and she may even cry and lose sleep over him and just thinking about it leaves her breathless.
Maybe she shouldn't have let him in, maybe she shouldn't have let him take so much room around her, she shouldn't have let him offer her so much and now her heart aches knowing he's going to leave and she's going to feel and be empty all over again.
"Here. All done," he says as he presses a pink band-aid on her forehead. For good measure, he kisses the band-aid and she glares at him. "You're so cute."
"And you're an idiot," she tells him but the conviction isn't here. She's tired, her head hurts and she feels like kicking the man who crashed into her and flung her into a gambling machine head first. Now her new heels are ruined, there are blood stains on her favourite blouse and her skull won't stop pounding.
"I might be an idiot but I'm your idiot."
"Lucky me."
"Oh come on, you love me," he pauses. "You love me, right?"
"Nope."
"I patched you up, so you gotta love me. Even if it's just a little."
She rolls her eyes and lets her head rest on his shoulder.
"Maybe just a little then."
He chuckles and ends up carrying her to bed.
"Love you tons, Sam."
She forgot how much loving someone could make her vulnerable. The fear of losing everything, losing herself in the process—that leaves her aching and trembling. It's a terrible feeling that she has no control over and she wants to scream at someone, to break something but she can't because Danny is right in front of her, looking at her like he's about remake the world and offer it to her.
"Hi," he says, with a smile, twinkles in his eyes. His fingers brush the side of her face as he puts a lock of hair behind her ear.
She tilts her head, feeling overwhelmed by his intense stare. "Hi."
"I barely saw you today."
"I was busy."
"You've been avoiding me," he states and she doesn't bother denying it. "I missed you."
And suddenly, just like that, the air around them shift as if the universe knows that the game is over and that it is time for them to face the music.
She wets her lips and grabs at his shirt, squeezing a little and he takes a step forward, reading her gesture as an invitation and now they can feel each other's warmth. She raises her chin as he bends down a little, just enough to whisper in her ear.
"I'm going to kiss you. Right here, right now, in front of everyone. I'm making it—making us—official, okay?" he tells her, one hand on her waist, the other on the small of her back. They're soft but steady as if Danny is trying to prevent her from running away because there's no turning back now.
But Sam is done running.
"Okay," she tells him but it's her lips that touch his first. She kissed him.
His hands bring her even closer to him, and her nails scratch the line between his hair and his neck and she feels him shivering and smiling against her mouth. Sam swears she heard Delinda and Nessa squeal in delight.
"Now, everybody knows you have a reason to come back, Pretty Boy McCoy," she smiles at him and she feels good, warm, happy, at this moment. Maybe that's happiness; not an inaccessible dream, not an unkept promise, just the moment, this moment.
"Sure thing, Pretty Girl Marquez," and he kisses her again.
She does not complain when his warm hand searches for hers and his lips have barely left hers but he's already dragging her away.
"Stop looking at me like that!"
"Like what?"
"Like that!"
"Oh you mean like I'm in love with the most beautiful woman in the world and like I want to kiss you forever?"
"Yeah. Exactly like that. Stop it. It's creepy."
She steals his hat but it's too big so when she puts it on, it slides down and covers her eyes. So she takes the hat off again and suddenly Danny is here, standing very close to her, looking like he wants something from her. She drops his hat and puts her arms around his neck, bringing him closer to her.
"Kiss me?" she asks.
And he does.
"I'll miss you," he confesses as he lets a trail of kisses on her neck. "I'll miss you so much."
She chuckles and brings his face around to kiss him firmly on the mouth. "Of course, you will."
He loves her, he loves everything about her. Her voice, her skin, her smell and taste. He loves her ability to pretend everything is okay when everything is wrong.
"You good?" he would ask.
And she would reply, "Always."
He loves listening to her, every word she breathes, every sound she makes, because Sam is a girl of a few words. She talks so much but says just so little. So he listens to her with his eyes, with his hands, with his heart. He watches her facial expressions, he touches her cheeks, he loves her toughness. He likes to think he knows her better than anyone.
Danny wonders what made her so strong, what hurt her so bad that she thinks she needs to be strong all the time.
They made love all night and now Sam is pretty certain she has a heart, a big one, and she feels confused, frightened and distressed from the largeness and weakness of it.
"Don't die out there, okay?" her head is resting on his chest, her fingers tracing meaningful shapes on his skin; they go from "I love you" to "be careful" to "don't come back dead". She doesn't say them out but he hears them loud and clear none the less. He feels them settling in his bones, quaking him inside out, as if she were shouting them, as if she wanted to break him, as if she was trying to turn him into crumbs so he wouldn't be able to leave. "Just don't die."
"Okay. I promise," he takes her small hand in his, kissing the tip of each finger, then he grabs her face where he drops an infinity of kisses on every inch of her soft skin. "I love you."
He wants to count her scars, the ones he couldn't see, the ones she pretends don't exist.
He wants to know where it hurts and where it doesn't. He wants to know the line where strong-Sam and fragile-Sam meet.
Sam says she doesn't need fixing. Danny says it's not about fixing but about sharing the pain, to make it more bearable.
Then, she yells at him, telling him to stop putting his nose in her business. He yells back. And the screaming match goes on until it's over and she leaves, slamming the door behind her.
She refuses to talk to him for three days following their fight.
Danny felt like it was the three longest days of his life.
"You'll miss me too, right?"
"Yeah," she bends down to kiss him again and Danny doesn't comment on the tear that softly lands on his cheek.
When Sam is certain he's fallen asleep, she leaves her side of the bed and snuggles against him, then she murmurs a ridiculously tiny and soft "I love you too," in his ear.
"You're not leaving anymore, right?" he asks her, his toothbrush in his mouth as he watches her putting some make-up on.
She doesn't turn around but she looks at his reflection in the mirror. "Depends."
"On what?"
"You. I'm staying as long as you're here. You're the one who brought me here after all."
He finishes brushing his teeth and spats the whole thing in the sink. He dries his face with a towel and turns towards her. "What if I leave?"
Her lipstick stops in the middle of her upper lip and she frowns a little. She looks adorable, he thinks. "I'll leave too, I suppose."
"With me?" he presses, hoping she would say yes but always knowing she won't.
She rolls her eyes and resuming the colouring of her lips. "Don't push it, McCoy. I'm not a follower. I go where I want to go. You know that."
He nods as he expected nothing less from her.
"I'm not planning on leaving Vegas anytime soon, though, Sam."
She sets her lipstick down and turns to kiss him on the lips. "Good 'cause packing sucks and I don't wanna do it again anytime soon."
