It's too early.
They're sitting on the terrace of the hôtel. Delinda is drinking her coffee, Mary is playing with the chocolate chips on her muffin, and Sam, from where she's sitting, she can see all the flowers, on the wall, on the ground, on the terrace rail. There are lots of jasmin, small geraniums there and then, and the perfume of lavender is so strong that Sam can feel her nose already itching.
"Today's such a pleasant day," Delinda smiles as she stirs her coffee with a spoon.
And it's true. It's barely eight in the morning, and the sun is already up, big and bright in the cloudless sky. The girl keeps babbling on how nice the weather is while Sam mentally checks everything she has to do today, and she's already tired for the rest of the day. She is certain that by noon, her yesterday's headache will come back.
Then, there's Mary who is looking at her like she's a fragile little thing, like she's waiting for her to have a meltdown. She has been doing that a lot recently—looking at her, watching over her and Sam knows it's Danny who put her on Sam-duty. It's ridiculous. She should be on Mary-duty. The poor girl has huge shadows under her eyes and the tips of her fingers are all torn and bloody. It's ugly. Mary worries too much about Danny. He wouldn't want that. Sam knows that because he told her that before leaving.
Finally, Mary asks, "How are you, Sam?"
"Fine. Always fine. You, however, you look like crap so you need to sleep. And you also need to get rid of this nasty habit of biting your nails, it's not pretty."
Mary doesn't say anything but she looks at her nails and grimaces at the sight. It's Delinda who speaks for her. "That's rude, Sam."
"Yeah and it's too early to be that rude, girl," Nessa interrupts as she sits down in the chair next to Sam's. "You're way nicer when Danny's around, Sam. Isn't she?" she asks the girls and while Delinda nods eagerly, Mary looks down with a soft smile.
Sam wonders if Danny ever talked to Mary about her, about them. He must have. She's his best friend. She would have talked about Danny to her best friend if she had one. But Sam talks about Danny with Danny, so she supposes that makes him her best friend as well as boyfriend? And Sam thinks that's dumb.
She rolls her eyes. "Shut up, Ness."
Nessa's eating an apple, chewing it nervously and Sam notices that in her other hand, Nessa is holding a tea cup that smells like nothing but tea.
"Nice way to start your morning," she says as she recognises the pinkish colour of the rosé.
"Shut up, Sam," Nessa hisses and Sam chuckles as she sips at her own coffee.
Sam doesn't comment on the hickey on her neck or on the faint trembling on her hand or on the redness of her eyes. Nessa is having a bad morning and she'll probably have a bad day and Sam isn't in the mood to make it worse.
"Do you guys think Danny—" Mary pauses and Sam already knows what she's going to ask before she says it. "Do you think he's alright, out there? He hasn't called, not even once. And well, you know, I'm a worrier so I'm worried. We would know if he wasn't alright? I mean Ed would know and would tell us, right?"
Mary fidgets on her seat and there are holes all over her muffin and crumbs all around it, and for one tiny second, Sam imagines Danny's body filled with holes and stained with blood and she cringes at the picture. She blinks it away, takes a deep breath.
"I'm sure he is fine. Plus, Dad says he's good, one of the best even. He'll be alright," Delinda says, rubbing Mary's back to soothe her worry away.
Mary nods and smiles but then, her lips start trembling and Sam looks away. Mary is about to cry, and it's way too early for this, so Sam takes another sip of her coffee, waits for it to pass. It always does.
She can see Nessa glaring at her from the corner of her eye and she wants to flip her off because she's trying to be nice, she is being nice by not saying anything, by not being her usual and mean self.
"We all miss him, Mary, but as D. said I'm sure he's perfectly fine, right, Sam?" Nessa elbows her, hard, and Sam wants to hit her in return.
"Sure. Danny's a big boy. He is smart enough not to get killed while trying to defend his country," that's what she says and Nessa shakes her head at her, disappointment and judgement in the brown of her eyes and in the thin line of her lips.
Sam wants to finish her coffee but it's cold now and the sun is hurting her eyes or maybe it's the loneliness that making them ache. It's too early to have her feelings crushing her heart and laughing at her while doing so.
She closes her eyes, counts to ten, and when she opens them up again, and it's just her and Mary at the table.
Nessa has left her cup of rosé behind, and Sam finds herself drinking it. The taste is disgusting but the soft burning in her throat helps her ignore how much her heart is hurting, how much she misses Danny. And now, the lavender scent is getting to her head, and she curses under her breath. Next time Delinda wakes her earlier than necessary and drags her onto the terrace, she will say no. Sam swears she will tackle the girl if she has to.
"I miss Danny. You miss him too, I know you do. That's a strange feeling, isn't it? Missing someone and never wanting to be without that particular someone," Mary asks as she dabs the underside of her eyes with a tissue and Sam feels a bit bad.
She feels bad for being mean to her, not that she's meaner to Mary than to anyone else, but Mary is nicer than most people, so she feels bad for that. Mostly, she feels bad for taking Danny. He's been Mary's for so long and now he's still Mary's but he's also Sam's, so she feels bad for that. It's too early for feeling that bad. She really should have slept in.
"I think I should apologise."
"For what?"
"Stealing the love of your life I guess," Sam blurs out, looking uncomfortable and Mary smiles, amicably, reassuringly, and Sam thinks that's awfully sweet of her. Mary is sweet and Sam is not, and for the love of god, she cannot, won't understand how Danny can love two things that are so utterly different.
Danny is weird.
"You didn't. Danny is still… Danny. He's still my best friend."
"Yeah but you two dated. You love him, like a lot."
"I do, with all my heart, and forever," there's so much honesty, so much beauty in her tone, as if she is reciting words she had reharsed all her life, as if suddenly, she is dressed in white and speaking at her own wedding. White would suit her, Sam is sure. "Danny became what I've always hoped for him."
"He became what? Somebody else's boyfriend?" Sam jokes and that makes Mary laugh.
"A great man," Mary answers, smiling, her eyes full of pride. "Danny became a great man. I'm glad that he has you because you're my friend. You know that, right?" Mary waits for Sam to nod before continuing. "And because he loves you. You're good for each other. You bring out his crazy side and he brings out your soft side."
"I'm not soft."
"Of course, you're not, sweetheart," Mary indulges her, rolling her eyes, and Sam offers her a smile, a real one, ones of those Danny loved and told her about. "You love him, don't you?"
Sam looks up, and the sky seems big and infinite, a bit like her affection for Danny. Loving Danny is like walking on the edge of a cliff, on her tiptoes, with her eyes closed and a smile on her face.
Loving Danny makes her a weak and that scares the shit out of her. She still thinks that love is dumb and that only dumb people fall in love but it's too late now, she has fallen for Danny, head and heart first. There's no turning back from that.
So, she blinks and she thinks today seems like a good day to be honest, so she looks at Mary and tells her, "Yeah, I love him."
