Chapter 33 Silly Captain, hate you? Don't you see? I should be the one, asking you. For forgiveness.

Kirk softly pressed his lips to Spock's four head. For what may be the second and last time. As he finally arranged him on the couch. Just before he removed his fingers from Spock's temples, he sent the pulse that would wake Spock from the sleep he'd induced earlier. Though it would take a few minutes. He ghosts his fingers through Spock's hair.

"I hope the old man's right. And you can forgive me k'diwa. Even if you don't. I will Find a way to help you survive this. I will shield you. I will not let that bastard feed off you. If he's behind this… I'm not the scared child anymore. Speaking of that. I would love to know what it was like to experience a pregnancy, with a mate while not on the run for my life. However, I would not force that on you. I was selfish like that once. I won't be again. I know you probably won't want anything to do with me after what I've shown you. I know that you're so much better than that. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I tried I truly tried to protect you. I've tried to do my job. It's why I stayed away. When I realized you were happy. When I realized that the Lady Amanda did listen and she did protect you, and you were doing better. You actually stood up for yourself and chose Starfleet. I was so, so very proud… Anyway, I will try my best to find another way to help you through this. However, I want you to know that I'm willing nah thats not true. I would love to. As I said father a child with my T'hy'la when I wasn't running for my life and his. I know I don't deserve… Anyway, just if we can't find some other solution soon enough. Just please consider it. I told you I don't think I could handle losing Tiggy or causing his death. I know the same goes for you. I know because of the volcano. When I thought, I was going to lose you forever… And the warp core. Anyway, I'm sure you don't want to look at my face when you first open your eyes. So, I'll just wait in the fresher for a while.

"taluhk nash-veh k'dular t'nash-veh k'hat'n'dlawa, t'nash-veh Ashaya, t'nash-veh T'hy'la. , t'nash-veh Spock. It was, shon-ha-lak."

Kirk keyed in the captains code. Which allowed him to get actual water from the sink instead of using the sonic function. He repeatedly splashed the cool water in his face. Then turned it off, rubbing his hands over his face a couple times before looking in the mirror. And then deciding to slide to the floor. This is where he was sitting with his arms wrapped loosely around his knees with his chin resting on them. When the door opened without warning. He knew it was Spock. He could tell that without looking up. So, he didn't. Not even when he heard such familiar words. So much so that he couldn't help the snort wondering if Spock did it on purpose?

"James what are you doing in here?"

Kirk snorted. He couldn't help it.

"Having a horrible sense of déjà vu."

When he finally did look up.

it was to see a trembling hand held out before him. The fingers even wiggled, and Kirk had to smile. He reached out to take the hand looking up just as their fingers met. When he saw Spock's face, he knew something was wrong. Which was only confirmed as their skin met and he felt the overwhelming pain. This wasn't just emotional pain like would be felt if Spock was going to tell Jim he wasn't interested. This was entirely different. It was conflict. Jim could feel all sporadic spurts of exasperation and love. He knew were directed at him and he marveled how much mother and son were truly like because it felt almost exactly as it had in that room with the lady only this was followed by intense overwhelming pain. And that was when Kirk began to understand as he watches the green blood begin to drip from Spock's nose. As Spock's mouth opened and closed as though he were trying to find words to say something. Before Kirk could fully process what is mine was trying to tell him. He was forced to let go of Spock's trembling hand. In favor of catching him, as his knees buckled, and he collapsed forward into Kirk.

"What the Fuck? Spock? This isn't the Fever of the bells! This isn't pon farr! What the Fuck. Spock, I'm going to get Doctor M' Banga." Kirk said as he picked Spock up and hurried to carry him back to the couch. He wasn't about to leave him on the floor of the fresher. He was well aware of the trembling that was damn near convulsive like movements. After situating him on the couch. He moved to kiss Spock's cheek and then pulled back. Before finishing the gesture. "Sorry, I shouldn't do that. I'll go get Doctor M Banga." Even with the blood coming out of his nose and the jerky movements of his body. He could tell that his words did not make Spock happy. "Don't worry love Doctor M. Banga is not like the others. He's not going to do what they did, and I will not let anyone. I will stay with you."

Before he can back away totally. A hand shoots out grabbing his wrist in a vise-like grip.

He watches his panic increasing as green blood starts to color Spock's teeth that are clinched around his next words.

"No, no, they cannot help. Please Jim, it's—

the hand squeezes tighter around his wrist with every spasm but Jim doesn't say anything. Spock could crush his wrist for all he fucking cares. He just needs to know what's going on.

"Spock there's blood coming out of your nose and blood in your mouth . this isn't just … I don't know what the Fuck. This is!"

Spock refused to relinquish the vice grip on his wrist. Kirk was about to resort to yelling at the top of his lungs for one of the doctors. However, looking up at the chronometer he can see it's only been about 30 minutes since he left the other room, and he doubted very seriously whether either one of the doctors or anyone in that room would be able to hear his call for help. Aside from the old man and Jim didn't want to bother him since he was handling other business at the moment.

He was brought out of his train of thought by the sound of words being ground out through teeth gritted painfully.

"It's the - Jim's breath caught as Spock's body jerked bowstring taught and the muscles in his neck corded . Jim could not believe the echoes of pain that he was getting off Spock. It was worse than the vow earlier. It was then that Kirk started to hypothesize a cause that he was not at all happy about. Especially if it turned out to be true. He was going to have words with a certain someone. Maybe more than words.

"It's what Spock? What is it?" Kirk shakes his wrist frantically. It's killing him to watch Spock in this much pain he should be able to feel it more but something something's wrong. He can see the different emotions flitting through Spock's oh so, expressive eyes. His eyes are the one thing he's never been able to hide which confuses a lot of people. His eyes say one thing while the rest of him says something else. This time he can see anger, sorrow, frustration, exasperation, and determination all flitting through his eyes. Even though he is obviously an incredible amount of pain, Kirk doesn't need a tri-quarter to surmise that.

Kirk puts his free hand to his mouth. "Oh, Spock taluhk is this because I melded with you. It is, is that it's why you don't allow people to meld with you. Oh Ashaya, I'm so sorry."

Kirk stopped talking Abruptly as he noticed the look in Spock's eyes become even more agitated. Despite the pain he was obviously, in he was attempting to shake his head.

"Hush love, I'm so sorry. Let me get … Selek or Sarek or T'pau somebody. Please love."

Kirk begged as Spock's hold on his wrist became just this side of unbearable. Kirk could now identify the emotion on Spock's face besides pain there was full on panic. That he could feel. Unbridled panic. So, having no choice, Kirk immediately subsided trying to pry himself away. "Okay, love, okay, okay, sshh. But I don't know what to do, your bleeding, there's a lot of blood. I can't just sit here. I can't watch you in pain like this."

The only warning. Kirk got was a painful grunt of the likes he had never heard before, especially from Spock. Then he suddenly found himself yanked practically on top of Spock by the wrist Spock refused to let go of. Kirk managed to catch himself before he banged into Spock's body. He managed to keep just enough space between them to be able to see Spock's eyes. They were becoming more and more panicked. Kirk surmised that it may be because Spock is starting to choke on his blood. As it is dribbling out of his mouth, at an alarming rate. Kirk can actually see air bubbles on his lips from his breath.

"Spock what—

before Kirk can finish his question. He realizes that Spock has use the wrist he had a hold of to pull Kirk forward. Spock clumsily put Kirk's hand in the vague vicinity of his psi-points. Where you would place your hand in preparation for a mind meld.

He felt. Spock feebly pressing his hand into the side of his face. He met Spock's eyes.

The next ragged sound out of Spock's mouth just about broke something in Kirk. He decided then and there that he never wanted to hear that sound, from Spock again.

"P-P-P-P-Please ." Spock begged while pressing his hand clumsily harder. Kirk looked down at him.

"You want me to meld with you. I don't know, Spock, that's apparently how you got this way—

Spock made another desperate sounding noise.

Jim watched in awe from inches away as Spock closed his eyes. He could literally see Spock trying to focus every part of himself.

Kirk was lying so close that he could actually feel the expansion of Spock's chest as he fought to take in a deep enough breath. Then he opened his eyes and in one breath he said.

"Please-Jim-Meld-with-me-Help— me—you—are— the-only—one—I-can-trust—to—be in—my—mind–Just—like–earlier—when—I–told—you—how—I—felt—I—will—explain—in—my-mind—please–You—are—the—only—one—that—can—help—me—fix—what–they—have—done—You—did—not—do—this—you—just—made—me—remember—the—cause–When—you—shared—your—memories—

Spock was cut off when his body suddenly contorted impossibly painfully.

"k'diwa! I swear by whatever deity matters. If the people that did this to you are not already dead. They'll wish they were! That includes me having words with your father." Kirk could tell, the last comment agitated Spock.

"Hush, I promise to try not to kill him. But we will have words. I can't promise you that I won't have a few words with him over this. It would be a lie."

Kirk takes a deep breath. Rubbing a soothing hand over Spock's brow and down his face. He's encouraged at first when Spock turns his face into Kirk's Palm but then. It's like the pain increased even higher and he actually coughed blood down his chin.

"Fuck!" He goes to tug his wrist out of Spock's hold. so that he can better situate them for what he has to do. For the first time despite everything. that's when Spock makes a whimpering noise. Kirk cannot hold in his feelings any longer that whimpering noise causes the one or two tears that have trickled down his face sporadically, to become a steadier flow. He can't stop his own trembling.

He knows they don't have time for him to fall apart so he takes a deep breath to center himself. He then speaks calmly as he strokes Spock's face.

"t'nash-veh k'diwa t'nash-veh Ashaya, t'nash-veh Spock, t'nash-veh T'hy'la, my love, I'm here. I'm not leaving and I'm not bringing anyone. Ashaya, I need you to try and release my hand. So, I can situate us a little bit better. I promise I will help you. I will help you as I've always tried to do. Even if you didn't know it. Kirk felt the grip on his wrist loosen just enough for him to be able to pull it free. Though as soon as he did. There was a mangled sound from Spock. That might've been his name, Jim. But it was so low, and pain filled that even this close. Jim couldn't be sure. Bracing himself to share some of the pain like he did before. He hurriedly picked Spock up in his arms so that he can somewhat take his place on the couch. Position so that his back is up against the arm rest and Spock was laying much like they had on the portable lounger. Back to chest with Kirk's legs intertwined with Spock's, Kirk shifts around until, Spock's head is cradled on his shoulder. So, that should he want to he can press lips to the temple, opposite where Kirk now has his fingers. Pausing for just a second. He does take time to press his lips to Spock's ear. "Are you sure this is what you want k'diwa?"

Spock didn't answer verbally but Kirk felt some subtle tension leave Spock, not all of it. He could still tell that Spock's muscles were tight with pain. Although, it was odd because he was touching Spock skin. He could no longer feel even an echo of the pain he sensed before. That was not how it should have been. However, he did feel Spock push his body further back into him. As if trying to snuggle down and climb into Kirk body and all. As well as Spock's hand come up and cover the hand on the side of his face, pressing Kirk's fingertips harder against his skin. Releasing a shaking breath for more than one reason. Kirk prayed silently to himself not to let him make things worse. Then he released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. And began to say. The ritual words as he closed his eyes still aware of Spock's body against his.