Chapter 34 hidden betrayals and fractured Mindscapes

"My mind, to your mind. My thoughts, to your thoughts."

The last to your thoughts was echoed by another voice. Part of Kirk knew he was still in the conference room on the couch with Spock in his arms. The other part of his mind was spinning around. As if he was actually standing where it looked like he was though that would be impossible. As this place no longer existed, outside their joined Mindscape. This was the mountain cave on Vulcan, that young Spock had taken them to all those years ago, on that fateful day. He turned around to find the mental image of his T'hy'la the man who is also his first officer was standing there in his standard blue science uniform. Though, he does look gaunt with pale skin. Vastly More pale than usual, so much so that you could actually see the greenish tinge to his skin, that's usually not so noticeable because he's rarely as unnaturally pale as this. So, you don't notice, his skin has green undertones, whereas human skin has pink undertones.

Kirk really has to keep reminding himself that this isn't Spock's actual body. This is his mental image which in and of itself is even more worrying, because usually a person's mental image looks better than their physical one. This is not the case. Much like he had in the real world. Kirk reaches forward to steady Spock as his mental self almost collapses.

Kirk catches Spock's mental self in his arms. He takes a minute to look around by holding Spock's mental image up as he would have if they were in the real world, and he realizes with a start. That yes this is the place that Spock had taken him as a kid. Though as a kid, he didn't have the knowledge to recognize where he was at the time. Now, after spending time in Tiggy's universe . He recognizes that he is somewhere not a quarter of the way up the mountain known as Mount Selaya. Kirk had to smile at the genius of it.

"You know commander, I must say that this is a very odd place for a person to make a hideout if that person is trying to hide from healers and such."

Kirk said, making sure his mental image smiled at the Spock in his arms.

"I didn't know enough to notice that at the time when we were actually here together."

Kirk makes a split-second decision.

He physically picks up Spock's mental image as if they were still in the real world. And proceeds to carry Spock's mental image inside the cave where he knows s a bench should be. He has no way of knowing if it was there because it was originally part of the landscape that Spock obviously modeled this after or if it just appeared because he wished it to either way, he planted Spock's mental image on the bench. He started to sit back. To give Spock some space but Spock held onto his hand as if it was a lifeline.

"Please, Jim. It's easier here now if we… Spock broke off abruptly. However, he held their joint hands up as if to illustrate his point. Kirk however was distracted by the sound of a distant scream which. Shouldn't be happening because they are inside Spock's mind not actually on a mountain on the desert planet of Vulcan. So, the very fact that even though they are in Spock's mind he can hear someone scream as if they were in pain doesn't bode well. He starts to head towards the noise, but Spock stops him with a tug on the hand.

To his surprise Spock reaches out much like he had in the hallway running a finger down Kirk's cheekbone stopping over his lips. This time though he doesn't drop his hand away. He uses his index finger to caress Kirk's bottom lip. Kirk knows instinctually that this is just a Mindscape, but it feels so real. He can't help but suck in a breath. However, it's not lost on him, the small wrinkle between Spock's eyebrows. It seems to be punctuated a few seconds later by another scream.

Not being able to take any more, Kirk pulls back.

Spock let's him looking a little sad. Kirk just shakes his head and smiled.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I was enjoying whatever, but I need to know what that was? What the hell's going on Spock you said that when we melded you would explain. Why do we need to meld, before you can explain? What the fuck is with the nosebleed? We're in your mind, yet I hear screaming what's going on?"

Cmdr. Spock's mental image just shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I thought that in the meld. I would be able to explain more fully, because I was able to explain my feelings about Selek and your Tiggy. However, whenever I think about what to say. Or how to explain—

at this last the image of Cmdr. Spock doubled over and there was an even more pitiful scream from the distance. The image there with Jim shook his head and squeezed Jim's images hand even tighter.

"You know the answer, Jim. You told she who was my mother."

Spock stares at him. Kirk can practically feel Spock willing him to understand. Unfortunately, Kirk understands all too well. He figures. "The healers?" Spock looks at Kirk. Nodding very minutely. This time, Kirk doesn't miss the way he shuts his eyes for a second. Nor How that is followed by that scream in the distance.

"Okay now, I want to know! What the Fuck is that what the hell did those assholes do to you?"

Jim sees Spock flinch back. Kirk takes a deep breath. Dropping to his knees in front of Spock. Who is still sitting on the bench. Once again, having to remind himself that this is all in Spock's Mindscape.

"I'm sorry love, it's just I worked so hard to see that you were safe. I thought you were I thought The Lady listened."

Kirk could actually see Spock gathering himself not unlike he had in the outside world. When he had asked Kirk to meld with him. Spock reached out and took Kirk's mental images hands in his own and squeeze them. Then almost simultaneously hissed. However, Kirk watched as he set his jaw determinedly. "Mother did protect me when she returned. she put a stop to the visits to the healers unless I was actually truly ill. However, by the time she had returned from Tar-her sisters… It… Was… much… To… Late… To… Stop… Certain… Things. This was so strange, Kirk could actually see sweat on Spock's mental images forehead. which was odd because Spock in the outside world did not sweat. Kirk could tell that whatever Spock was trying to say it was a struggle to get out. The last sentence was also punctuated by one of the worst screams yet. Kirk held up a hand. "I don't know what's going on Ashaya, but this isn't working—

Spock reached out and covered Kirk's mouth.

"I think as long as you're with me here in this place I can show you that which is—

Spock stopped talking abruptly. However, the look on his face got even more expressive. More so than Kirk had ever seen. He actually looked extremely frustrated. The only time, Kirk and seen him look anything close to this was right before Spock had Kirk thrown into the pod and ejected to Delta Vega.

"What is it love?"

Spock just shook his head and stood up from the bench a little wobbly. Without much thought Kirk's mental image pulled Spock's image close to his body as if they were really two people walking together, one being a little unsteady for whatever reason. Kirk was shocked to feel Spock utterly relaxed against him. Spock's head on his shoulder. Close to his ear. Which was a good thing to, or Kirk would've missed his words. "With you here like this. There's no pain. I had almost forgotten what that was like. Maybe if I can show you. You can truly help us?"

Kirk couldn't help, it he had to stop and ask.

"Spock?" Spock had stopped to. He stared at Kirk, and Kirk could actually see him open his mouth and then close it in frustration, the same crinkle between his eyebrows.

"I-I-I I-I can't-Bu- Bu- but I'll show you.

Then maybe you can understand and figure out what I couldn't figure out how to help us. me." Now Spock did turn and take. Kirk's face in his hands. Kirk could tell for some reason this was a painful action for Spock. He knew that Vulcans didn't want to touch people, but this was this was something else. This is something else entirely. "But you have to promise me Captain, J-J-J-Jim that you won't blame yourself or be consumed by what you see. Much like the elder said earlier I need you to be focused. I need you to know but I can't have you getting lost. Apparently, you are the only thing standing between myself and the pain. I know you don't understand that statement, but you will."

Kirk frowns and shakes his head.

"k'diwa, I can't promise that I won't get pissed, especially if even half of what I suspect is true. However, I can promise that I will not forget myself and Abandon you. I will do my best to try and understand about this and help you in any way I can."

Spock studied him for a minute with eyes filled with a strange combination of trepidation and hope. That was not missed by Kirk. Then he nodded minutely and held his hand out to Kirk as if he were an old-fashioned lady. Kirk took the hand, helping him to stand. Tucking Spock's hand in the crook of his arm.

Of course, they didn't really walk but a few steps. Mindscapes were like that sometimes.

They soon found themselves in front of a great door the old-fashioned kind with a metal knob that actually turned. There was also a plate-glass window in the door, Kirk assumed it was some sort of observation window. He turned his head to look at Spock. Spock wasn't meeting his gaze. He was staring at the door like it was a noisome monster. Kirk looked at Spock.

"Ashaya?… Spock?" When Spock doesn't answer, Kirk notices fine trembling in his body and attention in the arm under his hand. Quickly switching his hold so that he has an arm wrapped around Spock's waist manually wrapping Spock's arm around his own waist using his other hand to press Spock's hand on his own hip and holding it there for a second until he feels the tension in Spock's fingers on his hip. He nudges Spock's cheek with his own. "I'm here Ashaya. You brought me here. You said you could show me, what was going on. What is this?"

He can feel Spock's struggle to answer. Watch his mouth working, but no sound coming out. Kirk wants to let out a growl, of frustration not with Spock, but with the situation with whoever caused the situation. He knows at least one of the individuals. Spock must pick up on his frustration. Because he manages to breathe out a very soft, I'm sorry. Before Kirk can respond telling Spock no, it's not him that he's frustrated with. But the situation in general. He's shocked again. When he feels something warm on his cheek, that's still pressed against Spock's. Pulling back just a bit. He sees that Spock's eyes are squeezed shut and what he felt must've been a tear. He remembered seeing one. Or thinking he saw one sliding down Spock's face through the glass of the protective wall in engineering, but he wasn't sure. He's just about to reply with "no love I'm not frustrated with you. Just the situation. I wish—

when he sees Spock's brow furrow . Which once again was followed by an ear piercing this time scream. For it was much closer. Kirk was able to surmise that it was somewhere behind that door. Part of him knew he should wait, and have Spock, either open the door for him or with him. Another part of him, could not hear a scream like that this close, and not investigate. Without any further consideration. He placed his free hand on the knob and turned it. The knob seems stuck. It didn't want to turn it was almost like it was locked.

He took a firmer hold on Spock. Turning to him. He said in a firm voice. "Open this door." When Spock didn't move to respond, Kirk took his hand off the knob and reached for Spock's freehand. Lacing their fingers together so that his was overtop Spock's. He brought their intertwined hands to the knob. Well aware that this all too real mental image of Spock was breathing faster even though technically he didn't need to breathe at all. Kirk made sure that the hand that belong to the arm wrapped around Spock's waist, was continually moving, in a soothing manner, reminding Spock that he was there. He heard Spock hiss as their combined hands touched the doorknob, he felt his reluctance. He felt Spock almost pull his hand away, but kirk tightened his finger so that their hands were stuck to the knob. For a split second he felt an unbelievable amount of panic flow through him. Then it was cut off. Once again, followed by one of those screams. This time though the hand that was on his own hip dug in a little deeper almost painfully, even though Kirk had to remind himself that his body to was just a mental projection.

Kirk Closed his eyes. Drawing on all his training. Not just the training from Elder Spock, but everything that he learned from Tiggy's universe. He had a sneaking suspicion, that when this mind meld ended, he would have even more explaining to do. Oh well. He also knew that there was no way that given their connection Tiggy, or Elder Spock could miss that something was going on. He was digging too deep. Even so, he found what he needed. Something that he thought he would never use again. He called on his training with the kholonahr adepts. Forcing an unreal type of calm on himself. So that his own agitation over Spock's fears and pain wouldn't interfere. He felt the moment, Spock realized something was different. His body jerked and he turned his eyes to look at Jim. Jim saw something there. He never wanted to see directed towards him panic and fear. And he put the pieces together.

"Oh, love no no no no, it's okay. I'm not going to force you I'm not going to force calm on you. I'm just doing as you asked me to remember love you asked me not to allow myself to be lost. I am at my core human love no matter how much tinkering they've done. That part of me is very, very angry that you're going through this that someone or someone's caused this for you. After everything… This isn't about me love. So, I had to call on my training. So that I can help you. You know me Spock. I have a temper very human very volatile illogical temper. You don't need that right now. So, I called on my training with the adepts. So that I can help, but not, not to force you not to dictate what you feel. I would never do that. That's what they did. Though, wasn't it?"

When Spock still didn't respond, Kirk became really worried for more than one reason. Whatever was wrong had to do with emotions. Of course. Which could be really dangerous, given what Spock has been infected with not to mention the fact that it does explain why Earlier didn't go exactly like Kirk planned. He thinks to himself that this must've been the way, at least a little bit. The way lady Amanda felt when they were in that small room together. She said she didn't want to rush him. Yet they didn't have time to wait around for him to get his shit together. This is almost the same problem. Whatever was done is causing Spock's physical reaction to manifest. Has to be remedied, his body cannot stand up to whatever this is. Especially given what he's been infected with. However, Kirk is not exactly sure what he should do. He remembered the lady Amanda's frustration when she grabbed him and pulled him into herself.

Once again, he finds himself thanking all the above that he was able to receive the training he did while in Tiggy's universe. Kirk turns. Letting go of the door handle and using his leverage to bring Spock in front of him.

That's when he notices the different weight on his head. He reaches up and feels around his head over his four head and realizes that his mental image is wearing his princely circlet. Which means… he reaches up and feels his ears. Yep, they're pointy. He hoped that hasn't carried over into the waking world. If it has he really doesn't want to explain that right now, but he has a sneaking suspicion. The way his luck is it already has.

Stepping closer, pressing his four head to Spock's. Mindscape or not, It feels real enough.

"It still me love I promise. It's just a another one of the "perks" from Tarsus. I'll ask you now, like I did with the blood vow. Please, Xtmprsqzntwlfd S'chn T'gai Spock cha Sarek" Kirk felt rather than saw Spock surprised that he used his true full name. He smiled. "Cool, huh? Now you know how I was able to master all of the arts except I still don't count lan-dovna. Anyway, I'm stronger than you think. Love and I have the training whether I like it or not. I do have it. Unlike some with that training. I am on your side. As I asked before, please let my experiences be good for something. Please allow me to try and help you. Let me help. Open the door love."

Spock steps back putting a few inches between himself and Kirk. So, he could look into Kirk's very blue eyes. Which is even for him. A disconcerting contrast with the prominent Vulcan features. Spock can't help but marvel at this. As he ghosted a hand over Kirk's four head. Lightly caressing his brows, which are now slightly pointed. Bringing one fingertip close to the ears. He let that fingertip hover there for a second until he notices a slight nod of encouragement from Kirk than he, feather lightly traces the outline of the pointed ear. Not missing the slight hitch of Kirk's breath. He jerks his hand back.

Kirk just smiles.

"I always forget how sensitive those are. Sorry." Spock lowers his eyes without saying anything and bringing them back up. He grabs a lock of hair which is considerably longer here in the Mindscape then it ever was outside that Spock has seen. Rubbing feathery golden locks through his fingers. Spock shakes his head slightly. "You look like some great barbarian King of old." He says softly

"well, that wouldn't be far-off except not a king love a Prince. You are the king or rather Queen. And it is this prince's job to protect and rescue you. So, will you allow me to do my job?"

Rather than answer verbally Spock just takes a deep breath. Lacing his fingers with Kirk's he turns and with a trembling hand opens the door. Though he doesn't go in, Kirk takes this as his cue stepping forward through the door bringing Spock with him. As he goes, what he sees before him tests all of his control. The room is cordoned off into several sections. Each section appears to be one of Spock's memories of what must be his time with the healers. In one of the first sections young Spock who couldn't be more than seven is being held in place while another Vulcan obviously tries to meld with him. However, from the trembling and flinching Kirk can tell it's not a very good experience for young Spock. Next comes what appears to be a few years later. Once again young Spock is surrounded by what appears to be so-called Vulcan healers and once again there restraining him while melding with him. Only this time there showing him pictures of his mother. Similar things are happening in other so-called cubicles as Kirk walks this room, he can see that the activities melds, and whatnot are becoming increasingly worse. As pictures of Amanda and other things and people who obviously held some sort of meaning to young Spock. Are being held before him while he's been forcibly melded with. What they're doing is not lost on Kirk. Nor does he miss the fact that in one of these rooms. Spock is being forced to look at a picture of T'pring. As he goes further and further in room he can feel Spock at his side trembling more and more so, he pulls him closer. "Easy, Ashaya, I'm sorry I wasn't here before, but I'm here now. And just like before. I will help you."

As soon as the words are out of his mouth a blur comes barreling at them and Kirk reacts out of instinct the instinct to protect himself and to protect his mate. He snatches the blur up by the throat. Shocked to find looking back at him is a young version of Spock around the age that Kirk met him the first time except this Spock has an obvious blackeye and busted lip. Shocked beyond belief. At seeing this young Spock here in this place, Kirk immediately puts him down.

"What are you doing here? Why can't you just leave us alone?! Can't you see, this is all your fault?! I already sent you to another planet. Why won't you stay away?!"

Beside him. He feels his Cmdr. Spock stir. But Kirk fits a calming arm around him bringing him closer. This action draws the young Vulcans attention. He hisses

"you this is all your fault. You keep bringing him back here. You join him on the ship even though you knew it would hurt us.—

"I knew no such thing, only that I was strangely drawn to James and that of what my counterpart the ambassador said."

This time, Kirk doesn't stop. Cmdr. Spock's reply to his obviously younger avatar. However, he does cock his head to the side to watch their interactions. Before the younger can reply to the commander's statement. Kirk steps in. "You are the Vulcan half. He says to the younger avatar it was you who ejected me to Delta Vega. The logical half." Kirk cocks his head. That's not exactly true. Though you aren't Truthfully just the Vulcan half because if you were you wouldn't be so angry with me.

Kirk watches as the youngling. Draws himself up defiantly. "I am Vulcan" he says. "Yes, yes you are just as I am right now, but you are also part human to— "hush your filthy mouth!" It's not enough that you come here. It's not enough that you're the reason this is happening to all of us in the first place. "I am Vulcan!"

Kirk gives Cmdr. Spock a squeeze and then drop to a knee in front of the young Spock. "Yes, you are Vulcan… Do you mind telling me why it is you blame me for whatever's going on with, well you?"

The youngling looked over Kirk's head. Obviously, making eye contact with Cmdr. Spock. However, Kirk kept his eyes on the youngling in front of him. After a few seconds the youngling's eyes returned to Kirk's face. Though his face was expressionless as any Vulcan from this universe. Like the commander he was unable to hide the look in his eyes. Which was a strange combination of anger, defiance, and caution. That, Kirk could not figure out. However, he watched as the youngling squared his shoulders.

"You want to see? Fine! He brought you here. I hope he's right. I hope you are worth the cost. If not, everything I've tried to keep safe, all will be lost."

Kirk stands up. Bewildered not understanding what the youngling means. He looks to his first for some kind of clue and is shocked to see that this mental image looks even more haggard than before and has green blood dripping slowly from his nose. Kirk goes to reach toward him, but Cmdr. Spock shakes his head and nods back toward the youngling. Who now along with his blackeye and busted lip also has a similar nosebleed. "What the— Kirk is cut off by the youngling's words.

"Be worth this, be worth the pain of the showing. Help us."