December 18th
With no set plan in place and a fresh layer of thick snow on the ground, Cullen considered only briefly the options open to him for the day. Spending time around the cabin would be fine if there was more to do, but watching endless Christmas specials, movies and repetitive countdowns of Christmas songs or Christmas films did not appeal.
There was only so much festive spirit he could take and the lists never changed, anyway.
He decided to make the most of his time up in the mountains, and following a short conversation with Nevena about what her plans were, they agreed to venture into town and take the cable car up to the ski lodges in the Frostbacks.
Cullen could only recall skiing once in his life, and he wasn't sure if it he could really call it skiing. He had been nine at the time and the winter had been harsh with days of constant snow. He and his older sister, Mia, had made their own skis out of planks they broke off a wooden pallet. They'd roughly sanded them down, used thick string to keep their feet in place, and spent two days sharing the skis between themselves and their younger siblings until the snow grew too icy and their parents considered it too dangerous to continue.
The memory of that winter was a fond one. Cullen smiled remembering their fake skiing escapades and he had no intention of giving up the opportunity to try it for real. He stood in the cable car station with Nevena, waiting for it to return from the other station at the top of the mountain. Aside from the cable car operator there were only three other people waiting
"Have you been skiing before?" he asked Nevena. He hoped they might have a day without incident– a day of relaxation with no sisters, parents, or other issues. This was, at least, in part, a vacation for him and while Nevena was his client and he was technically working, Cullen didn't see why that should mean he could not enjoy himself.
"A couple of times." She stood next to him, bundled up against the cold. Overnight the temperature had dropped significantly and Nevena seemed to feel the effects far more than Cullen did. Half her face was tucked behind a scarf obscuring her mouth, and the wool hat she wore was pulled down over her ears and to her eyebrows. Cullen found her whole look quite endearing. "I was very young and I seem to remember falling over a lot."
Cullen smiled, "Then we're both beginners."
Nevena's smile was uncertain, "We can suck together."
"Everyone starts somewhere," he pointed out. The cable car rattled a small distance away causing Cullen to wince. He peered over the railing at the approaching car wondering just how safe it was. The station was quite old and out dated and the cable car itself did not look sturdy.
"Afraid of heights?" Nevena was at his elbow watching the car approach too.
"Heights I can handle." He smirked a little when he glanced at her. "I just have reservations about being suspended in mid-air in a metal box kept up by wire."
"There are other lifts up to the mountains," Nevena informed him. "There's the bubble lifts. Those are really small. Or the lift seats. Which are basically benches with a bar keeping you in place."
Cullen gulped back the slight sensation of sickness beginning to rise up his gullet. "I'll take my chances with the cable car." He could feel her eyes on him and schooled his expression before stepping away from the barrier. "Did you mention to anyone we were going up the mountain?"
"I texted Josef about it. And Roselyn."
"Why Roselyn? She's back in Denerim."
"We always tell each other where we are," explained Nevena. "We have a set of code words and everything so we know if the other is in trouble or stranded or lost. Stuff like that. Helped in college when dates went bad." She shrugged, "it's more habit than anything else nowadays."
Cullen arched a brow. The cable car groaned as it came into the bay and clunked into place. The doors opened and those inside filtered out. "Why code words? She's married, isn't she?"
"Yes." Nevena waited at his side. "It's for safety. We implemented it when we were living together and before she met Alistair. It's something that has stuck for a long time."
"Fair enough." Cullen followed Nevena into the cable car. It was a good size with six sets of seats, three on either side of a narrow central aisle. There were silver railings around the edge of the car for people standing to hang on to. The windows were glass, giving a pristinely clear view out. "I'm sure it's been useful in the past."
Nevena sat on one of the seats. "It's come in handy a few times." She tucked her hands into the pockets of her coat. "It'll be a while before we're up on the mountain. Sit." Cullen sat when she nodded to the place beside her. He could see the vast emptiness open before them from the front windows. The Frostback Mountains rose high over the cable car station and the town, white peaks giving way to forest thick with conifer trees. Cullen wondered what the wildlife was like, if he might see anything wander past the cabin when he was awake.
The cable car lurched out of the bay after the conductor confirmed the door was shut tight and not going to open spontaneously on the way up. Cullen planted his feet firmly on the ground and grabbed Nevena when she toppled forward, taken by surprise at the sudden movement. She sat back in the seat, smiled, and turned her attention to the window and the world coming into view as the car moved smoothly out of the station and started its journey up the mountain.
Cullen saw that the forest stretched for miles. He could see some buildings dotted around in the woods, and a few lookout towers standing high. It was probable that people went missing quite a lot, given how extensive the forests were. It gave Cullen a sense of relief to know there were rangers stationed and on the lookout, just in case anything should happen.
As the cable car continued its slow climb up the mountain, Cullen saw buildings coming into view. He saw skiers and snowboarders in brightly coloured gear rushing down slopes leaving a spray of snow in their wake. He noticed a large wooden building not far from where the cable car station was situated. There were people milling around it, and tables set out on an outside deck. The sun reflected off the snow making it seem brighter, but also warmer. Overall the journey in the cable car was fine for Cullen - his only complaint was how the winches and wheels of the car shunted and rattled when they passed over the motors that kept the wire going around.
Once the car was secure in the bay, the doors opened and those waiting to get on stepped aside to let others off. Cullen and Nevena disembarked and quickly made their way through the station towards the large wooden building Cullen saw on their approach. Up close, he saw that it was at least three floors and bustling with people. As soon as they stepped out of the station, it was like the whole mountain became a ski resort. There were two sets of chair lifts that dragged people a small way up to easy, shallow slopes; while not far off from there were other aerial lifts where people sat two to a chair with a bar across their laps their legs suspended over another beneath them The aerial lifts journeyed even further up the mountain to what Cullen assumed were more advanced ski slopes and tracks.
There were coloured posts and lines on the floor directing visitors to the café, the restaurant, the shop, and other points like the lounge. After checking the places and where they needed to go, he felt Nevena grasp his hand so they did not get separated in the movement of people and bodies. He let her hold it and clasped hers back without a second thought, following her through to where it was signposted 'rentals'.
The area for renting gear was colder than the rest of the visitor's centre. The floor was concrete, the walls wooden and damp. It seemed the rentals section was not as well maintained as the other parts of the building. A man stood at a booth and Cullen saw two other people, a man and woman, talking to visitors and buckling up their ski boots for them. After a brief wait they were taken aside and fitted in turn for boots, skis, and poles.
"Either of you skied before?" asked one assistant. Cullen already had his boots on and was walking around in them, getting used to the heftiness and the added weight. The assistant had spent more time than Cullen considered necessary making sure Nevena's boots fit and were comfortable. He was flirting - badly - but Nevena seemed to be unaware. Or was just choosing to take the man's flirtatious nature as him being overly nice and diligent in his job.
"A long time ago," Nevena said.
"Same," Cullen nodded.
"All right." The man snapped the clasps on Nevena's boots into place. "Stick to the bunny slopes, they're the ones just outside the visitor's centre marked in green. If you feel bold once you've got used to it, you can go on the bigger beginner's slopes, which are the ones you'll need the drag lift to get to the top of."
"Okay."
"There are instructors around. They're in the red jackets with white slashes on their sleeves. If you want some help to get you started, you can grab one. It's what they're there for." He stood up. Cullen watched him offer his hands to Nevena to assist her in standing, and concealed a smirk behind a gloved hand when Nevena got to her feet unassisted offering a disarmingly sweet smile instead. "If you fall over, use your poles to help you up. Or each other. Just don't use your poles for anything else yet. Gets complicated otherwise. Keep 'em with you though. We charge you if you lose 'em."
"What if we both fall over?" asked Nevena.
"Then..." the assistant glanced between them. "I'm sure one of the instructors will help."
"Anything else?" Cullen picked up his skis from where they were leaning on the wall and handed Nevena's to her.
"If you get hungry, food is served at the restaurant until five and the cable car trips start slowing down around six thirty this time of year. They make their final trip around eight for the people who work here," the man said. Cullen checked his watch. Barely eleven in the morning. They had ample time. "If you don't want to get caught in the rush for the cable car, best get a move on between five thirty and six."
They left the rental shed through a door that led directly outside, skis and poles in hand. The easy slopes were within a short walking distance, and Cullen could see four instructors at a glance. They stood out against the snow all in different places. A couple appeared to be keeping a close eye on the slopes, ready to jump in, in case someone needed assistance. The other two were both with people, correcting them or giving them some pointers.
"Shall we try our luck?" he asked Nevena, "or would you prefer instructing?"
"I think given neither of us are particularly proficient in this, we should get some pointers and then play it by ear." She nudged him, grinning up at him. "Maybe we'll surprise ourselves and be naturals!"
"Stranger things have happened." Cullen returned her smile and followed her as she led the way towards the gently sloping hills and grabbed the attention of one of the instructors who was watching things going on around her.
Their instruction was brief, but thorough. The woman showed them how to place their feet and skis for turning, for speeding up, for slowing down. She gave demonstrations of how to get up if either of them fell over. She spoke quickly and was confident in what she told them, and it left Cullen feeling like he knew enough for what he envisioned he and Nevena doing for the day. He did not want to attempt any of the more challenging slopes where seasoned skiers would be, but he hoped at the very least they might be able to move off the bunny slopes before the end of the day.
After half an hour the instructor left them with assurances that they could ask her or her colleagues for help if they needed it. They spent some time going up and down the beginners' slope one at a time, meeting each other at the bottom and offering encouragement. Nevena always waved to Cullen from the bottom of the slope even though there was only little distance. She wore a smile and was full of exuberance when he reached her without incident. It was a stark contrast to the woman who shrank away and withered around her family. Here, without them around and with no obligations or expectations, she was exuberant, lively, and excited. Cullen enjoyed her company, and wondered how this behaviour translated back in Denerim. Was she still this bubbly person? Or was it simply the setting that brought out this other side of her?
Within an hour of their instruction and with many trips down the beginners slope under their respective belts, they moved on to the larger and longer of the beginner slopes. A draglift was needed to reach the top, and the slope had a slightly steeper incline, which allowed for more speed to be gained on the way down. Cullen watched other skiers going up and down for some time. It looked fun.
The drag lift was a little undignified, but those thirty seconds were worth it for the adrenaline rush on the way down the hill towards the visitor's centre and the barrier erected to prevent any accidents. The cold air hit Cullen's face in the same way cold water washed over a person when they dove into the sea. It was a sharp shock at first, but that moment of shock was gone just as fast and the excitement kicked in. It made Cullen feel like a young boy again, and he took several videos on his phone to send to his sister later. Mia would seethe with jealousy and he wanted to suggest to her that they all visit the Frostback Mountains in the future and see who was the better skier on real skis.
Around lunchtime, the slopes emptied quite significantly. People disappeared into the visitor's centre to eat or warm up, and Cullen saw some people begin to make their way to the cable car to return to Edgehall. Despite eating a sizeable breakfast in the morning, Cullen realised for the first time he was actually growing hungry when he noticed the time, and decided after this next run down the slope he would wait at the bottom and ask Nevena if she wanted to eat.
He saw her on the draglift, caught her eye, smiled at her when she offered a little wave and pushed off from the top of the hill with his ski poles. Moving the skis into the necessary position to slow down was far easier now than it had been in the morning. His boots did not feel so awkward and heavy and he knew the best time to begin slowing so that he didn't hit the barrier at the bottom. Wind picked up around his face and blustered in his ears as his speed increased. Curled tufts of hair blew and tickled across his forehead and the back of his neck. He saw the bright orange marker indicating the halfway point of the slope and slid his skis into a plough position to begin the process of slowing down.
For a moment he was distracted. He thought someone shouted his name and he looked around for the source. In that instant his skis crossed. The bottom one caught the top one and as he realised, Cullen felt himself already starting to topple over when he tried to right them. Gravity brought him down hard on his side - Cullen cracked his head on the snow and heard the gnash of his teeth when he clenched his jaw. He reached the bottom of the slope in an undignified heap, legs and skis askew.
When he stopped he took a few seconds to check he was in one piece. His head hurt where it had hit the ground, but after a brief examination he was able to discern there was no blood, simply a bump already starting to develop. His jaw hurt a little where he'd snapped his teeth together against the impact, and the right side of his torso would likely not be a pretty sight in a few hours - but he still had all his limbs attached and mostly unharmed.
He wasn't too embarrassed, one of them was bound to fall over eventually, and there was a fifty percent chance it would be him.
"You okay down there?" Nevena's voice was drowned out slightly by the grinding sound of her skis on the snow. Cullen lifted his head a little from the ground to see her. Half his hair was wet now and he was surprised to see a look of genuine worry marring her features. She removed her hat and gloves, shoving them in the pockets of her jacket. "Cullen?"
"I'm fine. I wanted to examine the consistency of the snow." He laid his head back on the ground. Nevena laughed nearby and a moment later he felt her tap one of her ski poles against his leg. He batted it away half-heartedly.
"Come on." She planted both poles in the ground and offered a hand to him. "I'll help you up."
Cullen grasped her offered hand, wrapping his fingers around her wrist for added grip. Nevena began to pull and Cullen pushed his weight into free hand on the ground to help him up. He began to lift himself off the snow slowly. They had forgotten the instructions for getting up and Nevena's ski's slipped. Cullen's hand couldn't support the additional weight, and it slid out from underneath him. He crashed to the cold ground once more, his groan of pain joined by a surprised yelp and a weight landing on top of him.
He began to laugh. A deep rumble rising up from his chest and rocking through him as he lay on the frozen ground, his head thrown back and one hand covering his eyes as a shield from the sun. His laughter was quickly joined with Nevena's. Self-conscious little bursts as she untangled her skis and laid her legs out straight. He was sure there were probably people watching them, wondering if they were both all right and just why they were now both in fits of laughter. He didn't care. His laughter vibrated through his arms and fingers taking longer and longer to settle. Each time he felt it beginning to fade, Nevena's own laughter caused his to renew until they were both laughing breathlessly and red in the face.
"Well," Nevena held herself above him taking her weight on her arms, bodies still touching. "That didn't go quite how I intended."
"No," Cullen chuckled, rubbing his thumb and forefinger across his eyes. "I appreciate the offer of help though."
"I should say so." The mirth in Nevena's voice was sincere and a genuinely nice sound to hear. Cullen thought this was probably the first time he heard her laugh since they arrived three days ago. "Now what?" He felt her lying across him. One of her legs rested between his and he realised she had one hand on the snow beside his head, and the other was on his chest where she had her arm bent underneath her.
"We could stay here for a bit." Cullen suggested tilting his head to one side. "I'm sure no one would mind."
"Don't you worry we'll get in the way?" The teasing tone in Nevena's voice was as impossible to miss as the mischeviousmischievous smile she wore.
It occurred to Cullen they had not been this close before. Or perhaps they had been, but those times were fleeting and had not allowed him time to examine her as intimately as he did now. Her eyes had interested him the moment they met in the café that day. They were a warm amber and now the amber seemed to have flecks of copper shining in it. The sun broke through loose tendrils of hair spilling out of her ponytail, haloing her head making her hair almost burnished gold. Her smile was infectious and her mouth was attractively shaped. Somehow he'd missed just how stunning she was when she smiled. Her lips took his attention, Cullen's found himself wondering why he hadn't taken more opportunities to kiss her. He could have, given their arrangement.
That thought jarred him and he felt a cold that had nothing to do with the snow snap through his body. It made his chest tight and it was a struggle to breathe. He realised just how much he liked her being as close as she was now. He recognised how tempted he was to kiss her and how dangerous that thought was. She was a client. This was a business arrangement, and though he liked her company he did not want to confuse things or muddy the waters by acting on instinct and feelings.
To use their arrangement to kiss her was unethical, wasn't it? To take advantage of the fact he could kiss her, didn't mean he should. They agreed it was only for when her family was around – to even consider kissing her was wrong. So wrong. It didn't matter how tempting he found her mouth. To think it was bad, to realise he was considering acting on those thoughts was worse.
Even if those thoughts and feelings were pleasant and made his stomach clench in a nervously excited way - acting on them would be a disaster. This was business and in Cullen's experience, emotions and business never mixed.
Nevena's thumb brushing his face caught him off guard and he she'd leaned even closer. "You had a little something." She ran her thumb along the curve of his cheekbone. "Snow, I think."
"We should try and get up." Cullen said, unease replacing the warmth of the laughter from before. He propped himself up on his elbows avoiding Nevena's gaze as she rolled off him. "My clothes are getting wet."
Nevena glanced around and suddenly waved. "There's an instructor." Cullen followed her line of sight and saw the same woman from before approaching them.
He was grateful when she joined them and when she helped Nevena first to her feet. It gave him a moment to take a breath, one that cleared his mind of his previous thoughts. Nevena was a client. Even if he liked her beyond the current capacity they were in, acting on that was not something he should or even could do. This whole fiasco of being around her family and keeping up the facade was going to be trouble enough without throwing sincere affection, beyond that of friendship, into the mix.
Professional. He would keep it professional. And he would not think about Nevena's eyes or her mouth. Nor about how much he was beginning to enjoy her company. He would not think about anything to do with her, beyond their arrangement.
Weather turned quickly on the Frostbacks, and that day was no different. Within the space of an hour, the clear skies were replaced by thick, dark, grey clouds, and the sunshine gave way to snow falling thick and fast. The pleasant, cold breeze picked up to a harsh, frozen wind that made Cullen's face ache if he was turned into it for too long.
Instructors cleared people off the ski slopes for safety, and they were bundled into the visitor's centre to wait for the freak storm to pass. It didn't, and Cullen agreed with Nevena when she suggested that they should return their rented gear and head back down the mountain. She didn't want to risk being stranded if they stopped the cable car running and frankly, neither did Cullen.
Once they returned their gear and retrieved their belongings, they went to the cable car station to wait. They were not the only people with the same idea... the station was packed full of people bustling and waiting for the next car. Cullen blanched at how tightly they were all jammed together with hardly room to breathe, let alone move. They moved together like a school of fish, shifting and jostling when the car arrived to let passengers on. Even with the first lot gone, the station was still packed full to bursting and Cullen began to think being stranded on the mountain until the next day might be preferable to being crammed like sardines into a metal box suspended hundreds of feet above the ground.
Nevena was not having any of it, though. Despite her size, or perhaps because of it, she was able to wiggle and wind her way through the waiting crowds of people. She held Cullen firmly by the hand so not to lose him, and led him through the people, uttering apologies and smiling whenever someone glared at her for trying to push in. Cullen could feel the panic already beginning to seep into him like water into a sponge. His body absorbed it and he could feel it creeping up his spine and making the hairs on the back of his neck stand erect.
Without thinking about it he tightened his hold around Nevena's hand when they came to a spot to wait for the next car. His palm was sweaty and he hoped she didn't notice. He tried to focus on how her hand felt in his, something innocuous and mundane, but his mind was drawn to the prospect of being suspended in mid-air in a small box. Blocked in. No air. Trapped.
He closed his eyes to try and block out the reality and to help him focus and ground himself. His hearing was already slightly muffled by the thumping of his heart growing louder and louder, but he could still hear the murmur of people around him. He could feel them moving, shifting, becoming impatient and cold. He breathed. He needed to breathe and he needed to keep it under control. If he lost control... he did not want to think of the outcome.
His chest expanded, contracted. Expanded. Contracted. Each breath was thought out and on purpose. It gave him something to concentrate on; his ribcage opening, his lungs filling. Even the movement and sensation of his clothing on his skin was a distraction. Anything to keep his mind occupied from the fear dawning before him. He would have to go into that cable car. There was no other way down the mountain now. The other lifts Nevena mentioned before were now out of service - the fast winds were considered too dangerous for them to make the trip.
He could do this. The journey in the cable car would not last too long. If he could just stay calm and keep his mind clear, he could get through it.
"Cullen." He snapped his eyes open to the sound of his name. Nevena's face faded into view. The cable car groaned when it was set into the bay. The sound set Cullen's teeth on edge and sounded so much worse than it had in the morning. He wondered how many times the car had broken down and left its occupants suspended in the air for hours. The doors of the car opened and people began to file in. Those in first took the few seats there were. Nevena gave his hand a tug. He followed without even thinking about it.
With every step his limbs grew heavier and more difficult to control. He wondered if he looked like he was walking normally to everyone else around him, because he felt like he was not bending his knees and that every gesture was awkward. When he crossed the threshold from the station onto the car, it jiggled a little and he clenched his jaw. It was something he didn't notice on their journey up, but of course it would move. It was suspended on nothing but winches and wire. His heart thudded at the back of his throat and he noticed for the first time how difficult it was to swallow.
They moved towards the back of the car to allow more room for people to get on. With every person who got on, Cullen's panic grew. There was so little room. He could hardly turn around. He and Nevena were in a corner and pressed close together. He fought to breathe slowly. She would notice if it started to increase and he did not want that. He did not want to create a scene. No one else needed to know the fear as it clawed at him and arose from a place in the back of his mind, long forgotten. No one else needed to know that the back of his shirt was now drenched in cold sweat and he could almost feel each nerve ending buzzing beneath his skin.
He could get through this. Once they reached the bottom of the mountain it would pass. He would be fine. He could get through this.
When the cable car was fully packed the doors closed with a resolute thud. Cullen winced. He didn't realise Nevena still had a hold of his hand. Or maybe he was holding hers - he couldn't be sure - but he knew his grip tightened, and in doing so, she moved a little closer. The car lurched as it left the bay. People swayed with the momentum and laughed nervously as they settled. Cullen hissed his breath through his teeth, hoping that it sounded something like a laugh.
As the car left the station, all Cullen could see through the windows was grey snow blowing at them. The faint glow of Edgehall was miles away and felt like it would take a lifetime to get to. He could just make out outlines of the trees below. His stomach descended past his knees, to his feet, through the floor, and at least twenty feet below him. Sweat on his face trickled down the side of his head and under his collar.
Breathe. He reminded himself realising he hadn't taken a breath for a few seconds. Breathe.
He breathed. Conversation around him was murmured, soft, and utterly deafened by the drumbeat of his heart pounding in his ears. His chest was too tight. His clothes were too tight. Someone had him in a grip. Something was keeping his chest contracted. He couldn't get enough air. He couldn't get enough anything. The panic dug its claws in and spread around him like snake venom. He was trembling. He shook his hand from Nevena's and pushed the fingers of both hands through his hair. He pulled at the roots hoping the pain might be enough to distract him.
"Cullen," Nevena's voice was far away and distorted. Her face when he looked at her was just as warped. A black haze misted the edges of his sight, only serving to make the panic worse. He took a small step back and bumped into the person behind him. They grunted, annoyed, and he tried to apologize but his tongue was like a lead weight in his mouth. A swelling lead weight, which was starting to feel too big for his mouth, and like it was denying him the air he so desperately needed. He retreated again. The same person snapped at him but this time he didn't even hear them.
"Cullen." Again, he looked at Nevena. She was reaching out to him. He noticed faces beyond hers were little more than blobs with small indistinguishable features. Someone with a deep voice said something. The words were utterly garbled in Cullen's mind. Movement behind and around him. A slow, gradual shifting. Nevena's hands reached out towards him. She was not a danger. She was not a threat; he knew that, yet he still recoiled. His eyes hurt where they were almost jammed open by some unseen force. He was trying to find something to focus on but nothing was clear. All he could make out were colours and vague faces.
His back found the wall of the cable car and he slid down against it. He brought his knees as close to his body as he possibly could and dug his blunt fingernails into his scalp. The pain was dull and not as much as he wanted, but it was something. Something. A tiny glimmer of clarity, which he clung too. When the pain went away after several seconds, he moved his fingers to another part of his head and did the same.
His eyes closed to the sights around him, he jerked when tentative and delicate fingers wrapped around his hands. . His arms were stiff but he allowed himself to be moved and manipulated, unable to find enough air to argue against it. Those hands took his and pressed them against something soft, but solid. Something moving with a steady . Cullen opened his eyes but could only see down to his legs and the floor. Whatever his hand was pressed to was a steady momentum, rhythmic. A voice was speaking but the words were nonsense, white noise. The tone broke through the haze, though, a calming, soothing sound in a voice fighting off a tremble.
"It's okay..." Cullen heard that phrase repeated over and over again. He struggled to believe it. "You're okay. Keep breathing. Slowly, now... slowly..."
He followed the voice and the instructions being given to him. He bit his lips between his teeth, another distraction, another momentary pain. His nostrils flared - his inhalations growing deeper and more desperate. He couldn't breathe through his mouth anymore; his tongue was too swollen to allow any air in.
"Cullen, look at me." The voice broke through again, more insistent than before. "I need you to look at me." Cullen struggled with the simple request but did as asked, lifting his eyes. Sweat beaded on his forehead and tears escaped from his eyes. His head ached like there was someone inside his skull and they were drilling to get out. He met a pair of amber eyes briefly before the cable car juddered and he slammed his eyes closed again. There was movement around him and then cool hands on his face.
"Open your eyes again." The voice said. "You're okay, I promise, you're okay." He opened his eyes slowly. He met the amber gaze again and managed to hold it. His chest hurt where he was breathing so hard and so fast and it was like his lungs were on fire. "Slow down, slow down..." He knew the voice as Nevena's and heard it under the thundering in his ears. She sounded so far away but was hardly inches from him. He could feel her weight gingerly against him. She was on the floor of the cable car too. "Breathe, Cullen, just breathe." She held one of his hands to her chest more securely and he could feel the regular rise and fall. "Easy now,easynow, easy… In… And out…"
She shifted closer. Her forehead touched his and he could suddenly not just feel her breathing but hear it too. Her mouth so close to his he could feel every exhale against his lips. He closed his eyes again, less distraction to help him focus. Her breaths were measured and deliberate, each one purposeful and there to guide him. He fought to slow down. Each time he breathed out he could make it last longer and his inhales grew steadily less fraught. Cold pierced through his clothing - the first real sensation he felt as the panic started to subside. He didn't move, even as his control returned to him. He kept his hand pressed to Nevena's chest, feeling it expand. His eyes remained closed, blocking out everything but the sounds and sensations around him. Nevena's fingers on his left cheek slipped back through his hair, winding loose strands around her fingers. The gesture might have been a distraction for her, but it was a pleasurable little moment and gradually replaced the cold fear clutching to Cullen's skin with fizzling warmth.
Only when the cable car shunted into the station at the base of the mountain did Cullen risk opening his eyes. The other passengers all filed out. Cullen could hear them murmuring and avoided catching anyone's gaze. They would judge him, they would make underhanded comments. They didn't know the facts. They didn't know why this happened or how he now could feel shame sinking in the pit of his stomach.
"We're here," Nevena told him, her voice still in a softer register than her usual tone. She looked around and nodded to someone. "One of the passengers called down to the station. There are some paramedics here to make sure you're okay."
"No," Cullen's protest hardly sounded like a word, just a grunt.
"Yes," she retorted. "Can you stand?"
Cullen moved his toes and his feet. Feeling was returning to every limb at an accelerated rate wracking every inch with agonizing pins and needles. He used the bar around the edge of the cable car to help him to his feet. He stumbled on his first step and Nevena quickly grabbed an arm, wrapped it over her shoulders and took some of Cullen's weight. He tried to tell her not to, that he could move on his own and he was too heavy, but the words were failing in his throat and he was moving without thinking about it. Each step was sluggish and he could feel his whole body quivering with the recesses of his panic still ebbing through him like a pulse.
Once they stepped onto the platform of the cable car station, two men in dark green uniform jackets retrieved him from Nevena and guided him to sit on a bench nearby. Nevena sat beside him and Cullen watched as the two men began to examine him. His senses were starting to return to him. One of them checked his eyesight, shining a bright light into both eyes. The other rolled up the sleeve of his jacket, wrapped a band around his arm and began to squeeze on a small pump to check his blood pressure. They took his pulse and asked Nevena questions.
"What happened?"
"We were on the cable car. It was packed..." Nevena shook her head. Cullen realised she was clinging to his free hand and that her knuckles and face were white. She was shaking too and not the kind of shake caused by the cold. "I don't... One minute he was standing and the next he was on the floor hyperventilating."
"Has this happened before?"
"I don't... know." She shrugged feebly. "He fell over when we were skiing earlier. We both did. But Cullen said he hit his head on the snow."
One paramedic took notes while the other continued to check Cullen for vitals. "His eyes are responding fine. Any complaint of a headache?"
"Not earlier," Nevena said.
"I have one now..." Cullen managed to choke out. "I'm fine." He removed his arm from the blood pressure band once it was deflated. "It was a panic attack."
"Are you prone to panic attacks?" asked the man taking notes.
Cullen grimaced, "Yes." He avoided Nevena's gaze when he answered. "I'm a little claustrophobic. With the cable car as packed as it was... I should have waited until there were less people but we were concerned that the cars would stop due to the weather."
"I didn't know that you were claustrophobic," Nevena said.
One of the paramedics looked at her, "Are you his wife? Girlfriend?"
"Oh, uhm-" Cullen saw colour rising in her cheeks from the corner of his eye. She stared down at where she was still gripping his hand and quickly released it. "I'm... well, I'm his-"
"Girlfriend," Cullen answered returning his attention to the paramedics. The tension that rose between himself and Nevena was practically tangible. Saying she was his girlfriend was the best choice. It would eliminate the need for them to ask for details of next-of-kin. "Look, I'm fine now," he said after a brief pause where the two paramedics looked at each other.
"Are you staying in town?"
"No, at Haven," Nevena answered. "We drove into Edgehall. I'll drive us back though."
"All right." As one man began to pack away his medical kit, another signed and ticked a few boxes on his paperwork. He tore off a top sheet and handed it to Nevena. "If there are any other issues, if he has another panic attack, something like that - if you call and give this reference number," he pointed to a long assortment of numbers and letters, "whomever comes out will have the details ready to go."
"Thank you." Nevena folded the piece of paper. "We won't make a move just yet."
Cullen tried not to feel a little insulted at being talked about as though he was not there. The paramedics were only doing their job and Nevena was probably scared given what just happened. He was not looking forward to the evening. He knew he would need to explain. Even if Nevena did not ask directly, he would need to explain. It was the fair thing to do. That was going to be a difficult situation.
Once the paramedics were gone, Cullen waited only a few minutes until he got to his feet. His legs were still a little shaky but he was steady and was more-or-less calm. His breathing was regular, the pain in his head was still there, but that would remain until he took something for it. He could see and hear fine and now wanted nothing more than to get to the cabin and forget about the last thirty minutes.
"Give me the car keys," Nevena held her hand out expectantly. "I'm not letting you drive up to the cabin in this weather after that." She jerked her head at the cable car.
Cullen stuffed a hand in his pocket. He wrapped his fingers around the small key ring and placed them in Nevena's hands. "Fine. Let's just get out of here." He started walking. She caught up to him and then moved in front of him, blocking his path.
"What was that all about?" She was trying hard to look angry. Trying so hard and yet failing so spectacularly. Her brows were furrowed, but there was more concern and fear etched on her face than anger. Her concern was touching, and were Cullen in a better mood, he knew he would appreciate it more.
"Later," he told her.
"But-"
"I will tell you," He cut her off. "But later." He waited for her to move. She didn't and a hardness settled in her expression that wasn't there before. She didn't believe him. "I promise I will tell you." He stepped closer. "I owe you that, but can we just go back to the cabin first?"
After several tense seconds, Nevena moved to one side. "Fine."
Cullen began to walk out of the station. Nevena followed behind him. He ran one hand through his hair and tried to ready and organize his thoughts. This was not how he envisioned the day ending.
