December 19th, evening.
Cullen picked and prodded at the food laid out on his plate with disinterest. He wasn't particularly hungry, nor was he in the mood to be surrounded by people and voices. Since returning to Haven, the day seemed to have taken a sour turn. The argument with Nevena and subsequent talk with Nevan only cemented that for him.
Nevena sat beside him at the dinner table, shifting her food from one side of her plate to the other. She kept her head down, her whole demeanour giving off an air of disquiet. Aside from a brief cursory glance at him when he came in to the dining room, she hardly acknowledged him. He probably wasn't making it easy either. He made polite conversation with her sisters and parents when they invited him into conversation but doing so only prolonged the time they were there.
He was desperate to get away from the manor house. Once they returned to Skyhold they could clear the air. They could talk, and the guilt gnawing away at his belly would recede. At least he hoped it would. He hated this feeling. This prickling sensation all over his skin that seemed to dig deeper with each passing minute. Words and phrases of what he intended to say entered his mind and he tried to keep them in mind, but everything in his head was moving so swiftly and with such confusion, he wasn't even sure what the current conversation topic at the table was.
Ineria said something; Nevan laughed, and like well trained dogs everyone else around the table began to find the comment hilarious. Monty went so far as to put his cutlery down and put his hand to his mouth as he chuckled. Cullen managed not to roll his eyes at the sycophantic display.
"Something wrong, Nevvie?" Ineria's pursed lips made her look as though she had smelled something rotten in the way her face creased. Clearly Nevena not joining in did not please Ineria in the slightest. "Don't you like it?"
"I'm not hungry," Nevena pushed her plate away from her, fork askew.
"You've hardly touched a thing," Clotilde pointed out, "and after Ineria spent so much time cooking."
With a sigh, Nevena pulled her plate closer and ate a small helping of greens. Cullen noticed everyone at the table watching her chew. Conversation only resumed when she swallowed the mouthful forcefully. She took a long drink of water straight after. Cullen could only assume it was to prevent her from being sick.
He debated reaching for her hand on the table, or underneath it but chose not to. With the air between them still tense and uneasy, he wanted to clear it completely and he wasn't sure if she would even want him offering support. He did, however, decide to continue to keep a close eye on her during the rest of dinner.
"We're going to be decorating the Christmas tree tomorrow," Ineria announced during a small lull in conversation. "That is if Josef finds one that fits my exact specifications." She patted his arm and smiled warmly at him. Josef returned it from behind his glass.
"Cullen," Josef put his drink back on the table after taking a sip. "You look like you'd be strong enough to carry a tree. Fancy coming into Redcliffe with me and the boys tomorrow to find a tree?"
"Insinuating what, Joe?" Owen pushed his glasses up his nose.
"Insinuating nothing," Josef replied. "If you think you'd be useful in finding and carrying a decent Christmas tree you're more than welcome to tag along, Owen. And you Monty." He turned his attention back to Cullen. "But I thought I'd ask Cullen first, given he's a guest in the family this year. And I thought he might enjoy having a bit of time away from Nev."
"Oh," Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. He felt uncomfortable, all the eyes of the family were on him except Nevena's. Now he could really do with her support but knew he was unlikely to get it. "Well... uh..."
"Given the sound of that discussion earlier, sounds like you two could do with a bit of space," Clotilde said primly. Nevena's cutlery clattered onto her plate and Cullen saw her eyes widen. "After only six months. Doesn't bode well for the long term."
"Tilly-"
"Shut up," Nevena snapped, glaring across at her sister. "You have no idea what that was about, so just shut up."
"That's uncalled for, Nevena," Katrin dabbed the corners of mouth with a napkin. "Don't tell your sister to shut up, she was making an observation."
"But she-"
"Nevena," Katrin shot her a look from the far end of the table. The fight in Nevena's body fled in an instant and she slumped down in her chair. "And stop slouching. Do I have to get the posture bar out? Ineria has one for Matilda, do you need to be treated like a twelve-year-old?"
"Matilda's posture has become so much better since last year." Ineria said.
Nevena shifted in her seat. Her back straightened, she pushed her shoulders down and sat ridged. "No. That won't be necessary," she replied stiffly and without looking at her mother.
"Good."
Cullen kept his gaze on Nevena a few moments longer and noticed her secretively wipe a hand underneath one eye. He toyed with the idea of reaching for her hand again, just a tiny squeeze to remind her he was there and on her side, even if they had argued. He didn't. He was already worried things were becoming too comfortable and familiar between them, that the lines between the fake and real relationship were becoming mixed and difficult to differentiate between. Holding her hand unbidden would do nothing to bring clarity to the situation.
"What about it, Cullen?" Josef prompted him to return to the earlier conversation about the Christmas tree.
"Hm? Oh, sure," Cullen said without much conviction. "Sounds like fun."
"Grand!" Josef grinned. "The boys can be a bit crazy, so it'll be nice to have another pair of eyes to watch them with me."
"What about Matilda?" asked Cullen, looking between Josef and Ineria. "She's not coming?"
The atmosphere around the table grew uncomfortable for a moment and it gave Cullen the distinct impression he said something offensive or made a comment not one was supposed to. After taking a sip of water and delicately patting the corners of her mouth, Ineria perched her elbows on the edge of the table and laced her fingers together.
"I'm trying to drum out some of Matilda's… quirks shall we say. She's too old to go looking for Christmas trees now," Ineria explained. Her smile caused a cold sensation to sweep across Cullen's whole body. Maybe it was just him, but there appeared to be an element of threat to her expression, as if challenging him to pursue the topic. He was curious exactly what drumming out someone's 'quirks' entailed. His parents always embraced the oddities and personalities of himself and his siblings. Every hobby, no matter how odd, was embraced and nurtured. Even if the interest was short lived his parents never told any of them they couldn't or shouldn't do something unless the activity or interest was particularly life threatening.
"Fair enough." He chose to play the good guest and simply nodded once.
"She'll be here though," Ineria relaxed. "So will Nevena."
"I will?" Nevena looked tired and bored.
"Of course," clucked Ineria. "You'll have to help her with the Christmas biscuits. I can't help, I have to go into Edgehall with mum, and it's much too dangerous for Cleo and Arienne to spend time in a hot kitchen, given that they're pregnant. Too much heat is bad for baby."
"Right," Nevena snorted.
"Unless there's something else terribly urgent that requires your attention." Clotilde added sharing a glance with Ineria. Cullen was beginning to see the truth to the explanation Nevena gave days before about how her sisters worked. Ineria was the ring leader, and Clotilde followed her example, hanging on her every word. Arienne was an impartial party, yet to speak or choose a side.
Nevena huffed, "Sure, I'll be here. Doesn't sound like I have a choice in the matter."
Cullen saw Ineria begin to reply, but a soft knock on the dining room door and it squeaking open caught her off guard and she said nothing. All attention turned to the door and the messy head of black hair peeping around it. Dante was clinging to a raggedy elephant toy in one arm, the other above him probably clasping the door handle. He looked sleepy and inched into the room.
"Dante?" Ineria didn't move and sounded more annoyed than concerned. "What are you doing up?"
"Umm..." Dante's wriggled uncomfortably. His eyes went to Josef who rose from his seat and scooped Dante up in his arms. Immediately the child nestled into his father's shoulder.
"Bad dream?" asked Josef. Dante nodded. "Want me to come and check your room?" Another nod. "Do you want your nightlight?" A third nod. Josef glanced back with Ineria, as if to check the night light was approved by her.
"Fine," Ineria almost growled. "But only for tonight. You're too old for a night light, Dante."
"Come on, little man." Josef rubbed his son's back. "Excuse me." He closed the dining room door behind him and Cullen could hear him still talking softly to Dante as he went through to the foyer and the stairs.
"Sorry about that interruption," Ineria laughed nervously. "We've been trying to wean him off the bloody night light for months, but he's a stubborn little thing."
"Nothing to be embarrassed about," Nevan piped up for the first time in a while. "You all had night lights when you were young."
"Yes, daddy, but we all grew out of them by the time we were Dante's age." Ineria smiled sweetly.
"Not all of us." Clotilde remarked looking pointedly along the table at Nevena. Cullen glanced between the pair of them. Nevena was positively glowering. "How old were you when you finally stopped needing a nightlight, Nene?"
Nevena released a heavy sigh. "You're really doing this?" She cocked a brow at Clotilde who simply smiled in return. "Fine. I was thirteen." Ineria and Clotilde both began to laugh. "But the only reason I needed a light in the first place was because you three told me there were monsters living under the bed when I was little, and then proceeded to hide under there one night and pinch my fingers and toes until I went screaming for our nanny."
"I remember that!" Clotilde giggled. "It was hilarious. You screamed and squealed like a pig!"
"It's your own fault," Ineria added, smirking. "You shouldn't have been so gullible."
"I. Was. Four," Nevena spat. Cullen saw her hands in her lap curl into fists. "You were all older than me and were always pulling crap like that."
"Language," Katrin snapped. "And don't raise your voice, Nevena."
"We were just playing harmless pranks." Ineria shook her head and smoothed her hands through her hair. "Holding a grudge is a really ugly personality trait, Nevvie."
"Harmless?" Nevena's gaze snapped to Ineria. She was almost quivering and Cullen would swear to being able to feel her anger flowing off her. "How was shoving me in the deep end of the pool when I was seven and then preventing me from climbing out by blocking the ladders, harmless?"
"You were fine," shrugged Clotilde. "Stop being so dramatic. We let you out."
"Because our nanny made you. I'd had three swimming lessons. You kept using your feet to shove me under the water and keep me down." Nevena's face was growing gradually more flushed while she fought to keep her voice steady. "I never went swimming again after that."
"How is that our fault?" Rolling her eyes, Ineria picked up her glass and took a drink. "You were the one who gave up learning because of a joke."
"How is trying to drown me a joke?!"
"You're still here," Clotilde said lightly. "Obviously we didn't intend to drown you."
Nevena breathed heavily. Cullen heard each inhale and exhale, every shudder as she struggled to retain control and not let her emotions get the better of her. Her hands were on the table, fingers clenching around the table cloth her knuckles as white as it was.
"Stop making a scene. Your sisters were just doing what sisters do," Katrin remarked. "My sisters played pranks on me. It's foolish of you to take it so personally."
"Of course you take their side." Nevena waved a hand at Clotilde and Ineria. "You always take their side." Katrin said nothing though Cullen noticed her eyes narrowed. He glanced around the table at the others there. Nevan, Owen, and Monty were all staring down at their plates, as if trying to avoid the confrontation and pretending it wasn't happening. Arienne was the only one openly observing and looked torn between the two sides. If what Nevena said was true, then Arienne was as much a part of the torment as Clotilde and Ineria were yet she was not joining in with them. Cullen wondered why, and why it was she looked so conflicted, maybe it was the conselling she had mentioned. Whatever she had learned telling her not to interfer.
"You always get so over-emotional, Nevvie." Ineria got to her feet and began to gather up the plates in front of her. "For the love of the Maker, we were just having a laugh. Stop taking everything to heart. You act as though we tormented you all day, every day."
"Because you did. How can I not take our history to heart when I was the one who was always your target?" Nevena almost jumped to her feet and sent her chair clattering to the floor. She planted her hands on the table, palms down. Cullen could see her eyes welling up and somehow he knew if she began crying openly this whole thing would get ten times worse. "You have gone out of your way to make my life horrendous since I was a baby. You would break my toys when I was little, rip my clothes. Oh - remember the time when Clotilde got that terrible bowl cut and because she was jealous my hair was long you came and held me down while she cut it all off with a knife?!" Nevena was biting out each word, her voice low, angry and growing hoarse.
Clotilde tittered into her glass, "That was great."
That comment was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Rather than continue her clearly futile attempts to get her sisters to apologize for their past behaviours, Nevena simply turned and stalked out of the dining room. She slammed the door behind her and a few moments later, the front door slammed too.
There was silence for a few seconds. Monty and Owen were still staring at their plates. Ineria sighed and continued to clear her the table. "Honestly, she's always so over dramatic."
"See what we've had to grow up with?" Clotilde remarked, jerking her glass in Cullen's direction. "She's a nightmare."
"Does she make a scene when she doesn't get her way with you?" Ineria asked conversationally, smiling at Cullen. He stared at her, hard. Any harder and he was certain she would burst into flames.
"That was really mean, you guys." Arienne spoke up, her voice mousy. "Nevvie's right. We were pretty terrible to her when she was young. And you guys were never like that to me."
Clotilde snorted. "You've changed your tune. You enjoyed teasing her as much as we did. Besides, she was a brat. She need to be knocked down a peg or two."
"Was she a brat though?" Arienne frowned. "I don't think she was. What happened wasn't her fault, any of it."
"What wasn't her fault?" asked Cullen. The three of them turned their gazes to him as if only then realising he was still in the room. There was a beat or two of silence. "What wasn't Nevena's fault?" Cullen raised his voice a little.
"Nothing." Arienne shook her head.
"Right." Cullen got to his feet, sighing.
"Where are you going?" Ineria demanded.
"After her?" He moved towards the door. "She's got a bad ankle, and it's snowing outside."
"You can't leave, Cullen." Ineria protested, laughing airily as though she did not believe him. "Nevena's being silly, she always is. She just wants attention. She'll come back when her tactic doesn't work. Besides, there's still dessert to come!"
Cullen stared at her, trying to fathom if she was being serious or not about staying for dessert after the confrontation he just witnessed. Ineria stared back at him with open eyes and a broad smile, not a hair out of place following the heated words. She waited, expectantly for him to retake his seat. Cullen shook his head. Nevena was outside in the cold and she was probably walking aimlessly in anger. He wasn't about to make merry with her family after what he just witnessed. He felt bad enough for being a silent observer. Even if she didn't want him there, he would at least make sure she got back to the cabin safely.
"Sorry," he said gruffly. He placed his hand on Nevan's shoulders. "Dessert kind of pales in comparison to someone so precious to me." He felt Nevan tense under his grip at the repetition of the phrase Nevan used to describe Nevena to him earlier. Cullen squeezed his shoulders hard before retreating out of the dining room.
He grabbed his jacket off the coat hooks by the door. Nevena's was still there under his, as was her scarf and hat. Not only was she outside in the cold, she was outside in the cold not wearing much that would help keep the cold out. And, though Cullen was no expert on temperatures, he knew it was at least below freezing outside.
He grabbed all her things and went out the front door.
Nevena instantly regretted leaving the warmth of the manor in such a hurry and in so much anger. It was snowing, not heavily, but enough to settle on the ground and with it came a chill wind which bit through her jeans and jumper. In her haste she forgot her jacket, but would not return to the house for it now. Doing so would be like admitting she was in the wrong, a spurned hound with her tail between her legs. She wasn't wrong for getting angry. She could have tried to retain her calm though, and she was ashamed at the fact Cullen was witness to such a public display of her losing her cool.
Nevena rubbed her face. Her skin was still burning from her frustration and damp with the angry tears she shed on leaving the house. She kept rubbing her cheeks, not wanting the tears to freeze to her skin or her eyelashes.
Her sisters brought out the worst in her, especially when they ganged up like that. To Nevena it was like they all reverted back to when they lived at home. Ineria leading the charge, Clotilde following close behind, and Arienne sitting on the edge of the disagreement, ready to take a side when it would benefit her.
She imagined the three of them were all congratulating each other for getting her under skin, just like they did when Nevena was young. Katrin would say nothing, she had never punished them for their pranks in the past, why should she start now? And Nevan would keep quiet as always. Nevena's father was far more adept at handling business and yes men, than his own daughters.
Pausing in her walking, Nevena wrapped her arms around her body and rubbed in the hopes of generating some heat. She held her right foot off the ground feeling the pain of her ankle throbbing in her boots. Ever step made it ache more and more and she knew she was probably making a minor sprain into a major one. At this point she didn't care. She would hop to the cabin if necessary. She just wanted to get away from the house.
She could see the house behind her, the lights in the dining room and one of the reception rooms. There were lights along the road that curved around from the house and went to the different cabins, but they were faint and looked miles away. The grounds of the manor house never seemed this extensive in the daylight. Nevena wondered if she was at risk of animals out here at night. She knew deer sometimes crossed the grounds to graze, but what about predators? Supposedly there were wolves and mountain lions in the Frostbacks, and this was ideal weather for them to hide.
Maybe it would have been safer for her to swallow her pride and go back to the house. Perhaps her sisters were the lesser of two evils. Be attacked by wild animals, or eaten alive - metaphorically - by her sisters. Neither was particularly appealing.
"Nevena!" She whipped round hearing her name carry through the air. Her ankle throbbed in protest when she put her weight back on it to stay steady. She recognised Cullen's figure doggedly trudging through the snow. He was shielding his face from the wind and Nevena wondered how far she would get if she ran on a busted ankle in the snow.
She reasoned not far. And if she was being totally honest with herself, she was tired of running. She decided to wait for him to get closer and walked a few steps towards him to close the gap. Still keeping her arms crossed over her chest and rubbing her arms, she stopped about five feet from Cullen. Over his arm was slung her jacket, scarf, and hat.
"What are you doing out here?" Nevena asked, breaking the tension as the two of them stared at each other wordlessly for a few moments. "Why aren't you up at the house, enjoying the riveting company of my family?" She hoped he couldn't hear her voice crack.
"I was worried about you," Cullen said. He approached and held out her jacket. "Put this on, before you freeze to death."
"I'm fine."
"Please?"
Nevena pulled her jacket on and wound her scarf around her neck. She stuffed her hat on her head and immediately began to feel a little warmer, even as flakes of snow melted into the jumper she was wearing under her coat. "Thank you..." she mumbled.
"You're welcome." Cullen eased his hands into his pockets. "You all right?" He moved closer to her. "That was... quite an impressive display."
"Yeah. I'm fine." Nevena hoped she sounded convincing.
Cullen arched a brow. He rubbed his chin and that hand slipped further along his face to rub the back of his neck. "Really?" He sighed. "You're sure you're okay?"
"Yes..." Nevena felt her resolve crumbling even as she tried to persuade him and herself of her lie. "No." Her voice cracked. She ran her hands through her hair, pushing her hat off in the process and wringing it in her hands. She turned on the spot, arching her head back and willing herself to fight back the painful prickle behind her eyes. "I don't know," she said finally, looking at him. Her chest grew tight and she struggled to suck in a breath. The tears she was fighting started to fall. "I don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know why I agreed to this stupid gathering! I knew this would happen eventually - it always does!" She threw her hat to the ground and fisted her hair in both hands, pulling out of frustration. "I hoped they might have changed, or matured in three years. But they're still the same!"
"Hey," Cullen reached towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders to get her to stand still. A moment later and he was cupping her face, wiping her tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "Shh… it's okay…" He spoke in a soothing, calm voice. A voice Nevena knew was to try and help her calm down and focus. "Breathe… Just breathe…"
She did, breathing in as deeply as she was able.
"Your sisters?" Cullen prompted.
"They're nothing but bullies, and they won't even admit it!" She sniffled, and rubbed her nose on her hand. "I don't know why I'm putting myself through this!" Her chest heaved with short breaths, every one feeling like fire as it filled her lungs before being swiftly expelled. "I should have just stayed away."
"They really did all those things to you?" asked Cullen softly.
"You don't believe me, do you?" Nevena wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands, catching the tears clinging to her face. "Of course you don't. Why would you?"
"I didn't say that." Cullen shifted, closing the space dividing them until he was barely a foot away. "I do believe you. Every word." He lowered his hands and gently grasped her shoulders.
Nevena scoffed. "You're one of the few." Sighing, she rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. Under her coat she could feel her body quivering, the cold and wind biting through her clothing. As the adrenaline of the previous argument wore off, it was suddenly like she was more sensitive to the cold. "What am I doing here?" she asked, not expecting a reply. "I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and for what? To appease a family who don't even seem to like me?"
"I can't answer that."
"I know you can't." Nevena dropped her chin to her chest. She was close enough that her forehead leaned against Cullen's sternum. Squeezing her eyes closed she sniffed and wiped the droplets of tears that were clinging to the end of her nose. "I'm sorry you had to witness that."
"That's okay." Cullen's voice had a softness that was audible even over the wind. "I'm sorry I didn't step in to say something."
"Not your fight," Nevena replied. "Besides, even if you had, they would have started tearing into you. And I don't want that." She shook her head a little. "You're already putting up with a lot, just being here." A small chuckle tumbled out of her mouth. "Though I admit, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to quit right now."
"I'm not going anywhere." Cullen's hands moved along Nevena's shoulders to her neck and he encircled her face, guiding her to tilt her head back so they could look at one another. "In all seriousness, I think you being here and putting up with your family shows a lot of strength."
"Or stupidity."
"Why do you always put yourself down like that?"
Nevena shrugged, "Habit."
"Huh." She saw his mouth turn downward at one corner. "You family clearly don't expect you to stand up for yourself."
"I never used to. When I was younger, there was no point. Everyone always believed them over me. I was the youngest, after all. And the black sheep of the family." Nevena forced a brief smile. "After Rick, I decided I didn't want to be such a pushover any more. Backfired royally tonight."
"Siblings know how to push the right buttons."
"Ineria doesn't so much as push buttons. It's more she exposes the weak fleshy bits of you and prods them with a red hot poker."
"Interesting and graphic description," Cullen laughed. Nevena liked his laugh. His smile too. This close she could see more of it. How the scar on his lip wrinkled with the curve of his mouth. She realised his lips were fuller than she first thought too. His laughter died, and a sobering look clouded his face. "Listen, if you want to go back to Denerim, if this is all too much, all you need to do is say. I'll drive us back tonight, if you want."
"Really?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "Just say the word."
Nevena bit her lips into her mouth. The offer was a tempting one. Going back to Denerim would mean she would not have to deal with her family any longer. She would be able to put the last few days behind her and perhaps accept she would never be one of them and she would begin to move forward. Leaving also meant she was running away. Whatever the reason, Ineria would take it as some kind of victory. Once again, Nevena was running away from confrontation and her problems, when the truth was she was running away to spare her sanity. But returning to Denerim also meant this arrangement with Cullen would come to a premature end, and foolish as it was, she didn't want it to.
She liked him. He intrigued her and it had been a long time since she felt anything close to the way she did when he was around. She enjoyed the tingles that rippled over her skin and the giddy flutter in her chest when he smiled at her. Even now, beyond her own thoughts, all she could focus on was the warmth of his hands cupping her face and the smell of him. And he smelled good. A deep, earthy scent of oakmoss with a lighter fragrance layered over it. They two scents complimented one another perfectly.
Even if the whole thing was fake. Even if when they did return to Denerim and the contract expired they went their separate ways, never to meet again, Nevena wanted to be selfish for the moment. To enjoy these early blushes of affection and flirtation that were missing from her life for so long.
"Thank you for the offer," Nevena said after a long silence. "And I may keep it in mind... But I don't want to go home. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of sending me scurrying away like a coward."
Cullen nodded once. "That's fair. You may be many things, but I don't think you could ever be called a coward."
Nevena felt warmth spread up her neck. Cullen eyes seemed to drop and linger on her mouth and she found herself willing him to kiss her, mentally begging him to close the space and just kiss her until she couldn't breathe any more. She wanted him to kiss her until she forget her name, where she was, and why she was crying. She wanted him to kiss her until he was the reason her chest ached. Until he was the reason her mind was clouded and confused. A second grew to two, then three. Nevena's heart beat hammered in her chest and she struggled not to move or wobble on her one foot. She bit her bottom lip, Cullen's eyes widened and it was like his senses suddenly returned to him after a brief absence. He cleared his throat and removed his hands from her face. One went to the back of his neck, the other to his pocket.
"Back to the cabin?" he asked, his voice a little tighter than before.
"Mhm-hm." Nevena nodded. She hid the disappointment behind a small smile and fell into step with Cullen as he led the way back towards the main house and the car park. When he noticed she was limping, he tucked an arm around her waist to support her. He drove them from the house to the cabin and Nevena was relieved to be back in the warmth when she walked into Skyhold. She shed her jacket, scarf, and hat, draping them over one of the chairs at the small table. Cullen closed the door behind him and stripped out of his jacket too.
"Are you still going to do the biscuits tomorrow? With Matilda?" Cullen asked her, sidling past her to get to the couch.
"Probably." Nevena leaned her hands on the back of the chair. "Ineria won't be there, and I haven't spent much time with Matilda since I got here."
"Makes sense." He sank down onto the couch and began to remove his boots.
Nevena lingered by the chair. She drummed her fingers against the fabric of her coat, debating with herself whether to go to bed, or whether to speak again. She was calmer now. Being away from the house helped clear her mind, and she now realised how foolish she was earlier when she accused Cullen of going to her sisters for information. She not only wanted to apologize, but needed to. The thought of doing so worried her though. Things were more relaxed between herself and Cullen now - bringing up the argument might make things uncomfortable again.
"Something on your mind?" asked Cullen. Nevena realised she was staring into the middle distance. He was now on his feet and in his jeans and a t-shirt, his thick jumper still half dangling down one arm. For the first time, Nevena realised just how well built he was, wide across the shoulders, toned arms and a hint of muscle the fabric of his t-shirt clung to.
Cheeks flushing, she swallowed and tried to centre her thoughts. "I wanted..." She stopped, closed her eyes and sighed. "About before." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Earlier. Before dinner. Uhm... I'm sorry," she tucked her hair behind one ear when she peered up at him. "I shouldn't have accused you of going to my sisters for information on me. It wasn't fair, and I was refusing to listen."
"No apology necessary." He tossed his jumper on the back of the couch. "I shouldn't have spoken to your sister about you or about your personal life. I'm sorry for doing so, for causing you distress and if you felt betrayed in any way it wasn't meant maliciously."
"I know it wasn't." Nevena crossed to the couch and perched on the arm of it. "It's just... well, you've witnessed how my sisters are. You can understand why I might get a little paranoid about what things they might say."
"Yeah, I get that."
"And," Nevena clasped her hands together and squeezed them between her thighs. "I don't want you to think I'm a more horrible person than I already am."
Cullen frowned. "I don't think you're a horrible person." Nevena tried to school the shock she felt and searched his face for any deception. He looked honest, brows furrowed, mouth pulled into a thin line, eyes open and maintaining her gaze. "Do you think you're a horrible person?"
"You psycho-analyzing me now?" She tilted her head back, laughing in the hopes it might deter him and change the subject. The severity of his expression softened a little, but he didn't laugh. Nevena gave a strained chuckle and sighed, her shoulders sagging. "I've done my fair share of shitty things."
"Who hasn't?"
"And..." She ran her teeth over her bottom lip. Everything about Rick was bubbling up inside her, wanting to escape. It was overwhelming and she was afraid she might vomit if she began to speak. Instead she retreated from the truth. "It's not worth going into this late." She slid off the arm of the couch. "Another night, maybe?"
"Sure."
Nevena began to limp towards the bedroom, her body suddenly feeling heavier and her mind crying out for sleep.
"Nevena?" She stopped at her name and turned to face Cullen who had crossed the main living area until he was standing within arm's reach. "Uh... there was..." A hand went to the back of his neck again, "something else."
"Oh?" Nevena watched him, almost certain his cheeks were a darker shade than they were a few moments ago.
"You... during the argument earlier, I got the distinct impression you thought I didn't care about you." His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat when he swallowed thickly. He looked almost everywhere except at her while he gathered his thoughts. It was an endearing sight his being bashful put her more at ease. "Well, even though this - you and I - is an arrangement... you should know that's not true. I do care. About you. And..." He paused and huffed, "I felt like you should know that. Though that didn't come out the way I wanted."
"That's okay." Nevena stepped towards him, reached forward and gently squeezed his left hand. "Thank you." She smiled at him. "I care about you, too."
Her touch lingered a few seconds more, the two of them simply sharing a look and the moment before she released him and moved away. After bidding Cullen goodnight, she disappeared into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. She leaned her whole body against it, pushing her head back and closing her eyes. Letting out a long breath as she slid down to the floor, she began to try and quell the wild fluttering in her chest.
