TRIGGER WARNING, PLEASE READ:
I want you guys to be safe and comfortable reading this fic, so please, please be aware this chapter contains mentions of the follow:
mental, emotional, and physical abuse, sexual coercion, non-consensual sexual acts (brief mentions of), gas lighting and stalking. Please take care of yourselves while reading this chapter. If any of the things mentioned are triggering or upsetting, or you find yourself getting overwhelmed, please, please take care of yourself first. Your mental well being is far more important.
December 22nd, early morning
When Cullen woke with the softness of a mattress beneath him, his first thought was he was home in Denerim, in his own apartment and in his own bed. Without opening his eyes, he stretched his arm out over in the direction of his bedside table looking for his phone to check the time. When he continued to press down on soft covers, he groaned and opened his eyes, peering blearily into the low-lit room.
In an instant, he remembered where he was. He jerked up quickly, dislodging a weight from on top of his left arm. Nevena stirred beside him giving a soft moan of protest at being disturbed. Cullen held his breath, waiting for her to settle and go back to sleep. She did not stir again and he gave a small sigh of relief, willing the slight sense of panic he felt to disappear. Last thing he needed was an awkward conversation pertaining to where his hand was – draped over her hip, completely innocent.
Despite the alertness he now felt, he paused a moment and watched her sleep. He noticed the slow rise and fall of her arm over her chest and listened to the steadiness of her breathing. A smile came to his lips, unbidden.
The last time he had slept with anyone was several years ago and he had forgotten how good this part was and how much he enjoyed it. Waking up with someone and the quiet calm that came with it. The contentment and warmth gained from realising you were trusted so much by someone, that they were willing to let you be with them at their most vulnerable. A section of hair lay over half of Nevena's face as she moved and rolled from her back onto her side. Cullen considered pushing it away, but the gesture would be too intimate and familiar. He thought better of it and instead reached into his back pocket where he could feel his phone buzzing intermittently.
Cullen winced when he tapped a button for the phone to come to life. He was sure sleeping on it was probably not the best way to treat such a delicate piece of equipment and wouldn't be surprised if it was broken. It flashed to life. Screen intact, battery a little low, but otherwise in the same condition as before.
On checking the time - nine minutes past midnight - he also saw in the last few hours he received no less than six missed calls and a handful of voicemails and messages, all of which were from the number he now recognised as Roselyn's. He hadn't intended to fall asleep, just to wait until Nevena was resting and then he planned to call Roselyn back. That clearly backfired and now he wasn't sure if it would be considered too late to call her and let her know everything was fine.
As he considered it - the etiquette of late night calls to near strangers was not exactly something he was knowledgeable about - his stomach growled loudly. Cullen grimaced, realising how hungry he actually was. The last meal he had was around mid-morning the previous day. Skipping meals wasn't that unusual for him, but his body often complained when he did. He also wasn't sure when Nevena had last eaten. If she woke soon he could only assume she might be a little hungry.
Quelling his hunger his primary objective, Cullen gingerly climbed off the bed, pausing to smooth out the duvet where he had slept. He tip-toed around the bed to the door, holding his breath and wincing each time he put a foot down on the ground in case it woke Nevena. He wasn't sure if she was a light or heavy sleeper, and didn't want to find out as he was sneaking out of the bedroom. Anything to avoid uncomfortable or awkward conversations.
Once the door was securely closed behind him Cullen released his breath. He went to the kitchen, putting his phone to one side, and examined the food in the fridge. He could whip up something simple with what they had, and would make extra in case Nevena woke up. After preparing some eggs and finding the utensils he would need, Cullen returned his attention to his phone and the messages while waiting for the oven to heat up.
He checked the messages.
Unknown number:
Any news? It's Roselyn.
[18:31]
Seriously? Is she okay? I haven't had another message. I'm worried. Roselyn (again).
[19:02]
Text me back, let me know she's okay. Still Roselyn.
[19:40]
HELLO?!
[20:00]
Don't make me drive up there.
[20:13]
You could at least pick up the phone.
[21:21]
I'm going to bed. Just text me when you get these messages. If I haven't heard from you or Nev by tomorrow, I'm driving to Haven and bringing her home myself. I'm not joking.
[23:25]
Cullen deleted all but one message as he read them and erased the missed calls from his notification bar also making a mental note to delete the voicemails the next day. He leaned on the kitchen counter as he began to type out a reply.
Hey, sorry for not replying or picking up the phone. Nevena is safe, we're back at the cabin. She's okay. A little shaky, I think. Couldn't get much out of her. She wanted to lay down when we got back and we fell asleep. She's fine though. I'll ask her to call you tomorrow.
- Cullen
He sent the message and turned his attention back to cooking. Thirty seconds later, his phone began to buzz insistently on the counter. He grabbed it and put it to his ear, "Hi, Roselyn."
"What do you mean you fell asleep too? With her?"
"No," Cullen sighed. He rubbed his thumb and forefinger over his eyes. "No, nothing like that. She was drained when we got back and wanted to sleep, so I let her. I was tired, so I slept too. Separately." He hoped he sounded convincing. "Didn't you say you were going to bed half an hour ago?"
"I'm in bed," Roselyn replied. "And my husband is - Alistair, stop it - is trying to take my phone away - Alistair, I swear! No, stop it - Give me my -"
"This is Roselyn's husband," a sleepy male voice croaked through the receiver. "She's going to bed now. Tell Nevena to call her when she's up to it. That'd be great, thanks."
Before Cullen could reply, the call cut off and he stared at his phone, bemused. He wondered for a moment if he interrupted something, but quickly rid that thought from his mind, deciding he didn't want to know. After putting his phone onto charge he returned to the kitchen to continue cooking. With the oven now heated, he slid a tray of bacon rashers inside and set the timer for ten minutes. Bacon and scrambled eggs - breakfast food was good no matter what time it was. And it was bound to be breakfast time somewhere in the world.
He cooked in relative silence, broken only by his own occasional hum and cleaned up as he went. While waiting for the timer he tidied the living area, dimming the main light and turning on a couple of lamps to make things less harsh. He wondered if Ineria was sleeping soundly after putting Nevena in such a state. If she told anyone about how her day with Nevena unravelled. Did anyone even ask her why she left with Nevena and came back alone? Would any of Nevena's family even care?
Cullen was discovering a new appreciation for his own family after being around one like Nevena's. His siblings bothered him sometimes, and as children they had bickered a lot, but they were good people. He loved them intensely, and they loved him. He owed them more than he could possibly repay and knew that if any of them ever needed him, he would drop whatever he was doing in an instant. And the same could be said of them. One value their parents instilled in them all was how important family was, and it was a value Cullen tried to uphold. Being around Nevena and her family, he was realising that perhaps not everyone believed that or felt the same way.
He was putting serious consideration into offering to take Nevena back to Denerim again following this most recent upset, when he heard the bedroom door open. He stopped what he was doing, eyes snapping up to Nevena walking out into the main living area. She wore her grey hoodie over her pyjama top and had pulled her hair back into an unruly ponytail. Glasses on, she looked sleepy, as though she was still in the process of waking up. Her face and eyes had lost the redness of earlier, and she fiddled with the hem of her sleeve as she approached.
"Hey," Cullen greeted her, keeping his voice low. He put the spoon he was using to stir to one side and wiped his hands on a dish towel before coming around to where Nevena was standing. "How're you feeling?" Instinctively his hand went to the back of his neck. Stupid question to ask.
"M'okay." Nevena smiled wearily. "You're cooking?"
"Are you hungry?" She didn't want to go into any detail, Cullen wouldn't ask. "There's enough for the both of us."
"Sure. I could eat, I guess." She stuffed her hands into the pouch on her hoodie. "Do you need any help?"
"No, nearly done." Cullen returned to the kitchen. "Take a seat."
Cullen dished up two plates and they sat in uneasy silence. Nevena picked at her food, eating little and spending more time staring at it than anything else. Cullen didn't take it personally - he could only imagine what was rolling around in her head. That she managed a few mouthfuls was better than nothing. There were questions piling up in his head that he wanted to ask. Questions that he wasn't sure were good ones, or even the right ones to ask. But then, what were the right questions to ask in this situation? Were there any questions he could ask that wouldn't seem insensitive or as though he was prying into her life?
He kept his mouth shut on personal matters, choosing to stick to more mundane topics of conversation. There were brief moments of awkward small talk, interspersed with longer periods of silence and the clink of metal on ceramic. When Nevena pushed her plate away, Cullen took it and went to the sink with both. If he tidied and made a show of being tired, maybe they would both go to bed and things would be less uncomfortable in the morning. That was the hope at least.
Nevena went from the dining room table to sit on the sofa. As she sank down on the cushions, Cullen saw her pull her knees up into her chest. Whatever passed between Nevena and Ineria earlier seemed to have had a profound effect. This was a new side to Nevena, a new subdued and quiet side that Cullen wasn't sure he liked. It was weird and made him feel uneasy.
"Were you on the phone earlier?" Nevena asked as Cullen washed up.
"Yeah." Cullen put the clean plates to one side. "You friend Roselyn called me after I texted to let her know you were okay. She wants you to call her in the morning."
"Okay."
"If you're feeling up to it," added Cullen. He dried his hands on a clean dish towel. "She was threatening to drive up here."
"Sounds like Roselyn," sighed Nevena. While he couldn't see her face, Cullen felt like there was more she wanted to say. His mind was blank of words and platitudes he could give that might make her feel better anyway, so he waited, busying his hands with putting cutlery and crockery away. "Hey, uhm..."
Cullen turned his attention to her. "Hm?"
"Come here for a minute." Nevena indicated to the couch. Wiping his hands on his jeans, Cullen went and perched at one end. Nevena watched him sit. Eyes down cast she stared at her hands, winding her fingers around each other. "Do... Do you want to know why I kind of disappeared from my family for three years?"
"I thought it had something to do with your ex," Cullen said, slowly. He relaxed his position, leaning his elbow on the back of the sofa and his head against his fist. "That's the impression I got."
"It does. In part." Nevena lifted her gaze to him. "There's more to it. I feel like you deserve to know. Given... everything. That maybe it will..." She trailed and pushed her face into her hands. "Or not. It could be stupid."
Reaching over, Cullen gently wrapped his fingers around hers and guided her hands down from her face. "Tell me. Only if you want to."
"I want to." She stared at him, face drawn and tired, but a quiet determination set in her expression. Her brows furrowed, she exhaled deeply and nodded once. "Just... try not to see me as a terrible person afterwards, okay?"
"Okay." Releasing her, Cullen leaned back against the sofa and waited.
Nevena leaned her head back.
Before coming out of the bedroom all her thoughts were organized and intact. Now she was sitting with Cullen, hard truths on the tip of her tongue and waiting to be divulged, and she didn't know where to begin. There was so much to say and she worried what Cullen might think when he knew the facts. She didn't want him to hate her, or to see her as a terrible person in the way she viewed herself, and maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he would be like Roselyn and his opinion wouldn't change. Who knew? She wouldn't until she said something.
"So..." Nevena began. Her voice was quiet and she kept her eyes mostly on her hands in her lap. "My dad is a pack rat. He keeps everything. Receipts that are decades old, shopping lists, everything. As you can imagine that means he has a lot of filing cabinets and stuff." She pushed her fingers back through her hair pulling it from the messy ponytail it was in. "Around October three years ago, he and my mum were getting ready to move. The house they lived in, the house I grew up in, was too big for them as they aged. My mum had a hip operation, and they were moving somewhere smaller with no stairs. It was autumn break, so I went to help my dad go through all the papers he had."
Cullen shifted. "Your sisters?"
"Busy," shrugged Nevena. "Kids. Their own lives. And I didn't mind going to help. Despite appearances, my dad and I get on. We... were close. Anyway, most of my dad's files were in the attic. He and I were up there going through things. I found one cabinet were each draw was labelled with our names. One for Ineria, one for Clotilde, one for Arienne and one... for me." She began to rub the skin on the back of one hand, dull scratches creating faint reddish reels. "My sister's drawers contained old school reports, school photos, leaflets from open days, birthday cards they made for our parents when they were young. Sentimental stuff. Dad had to go downstairs to empty the shredder bin; I wanted to see what my parents kept from my childhood."
Pausing, she took a deep breath. Her chest was tight and it hurt to breathe so hard, but the sensation of air filling her lungs and being expelled gave her a moment to focus and centre herself. A moment she needed.
"My drawer had some stuff, reports, a few other things... nothing on the scale of my sisters'. But... one thing stuck out the most. At the far back of the draw was one file. It didn't have anything written on it, but opening it I came across adoption papers. A lot of them." She pursed her lips, still staring at her hands to avoid looking at Cullen. "I was adopted when I was a baby. There were no details about who my parents were or… anything, really so I think it was a closed adoption from what I've researched online. All I found out was that I was adopted when I was eight months and my birthday is May 21st." Nevena chuckled a little and began to twist a segment of hair dangling by her face. "Suddenly a lot of things made sense to me, like the fact there were no photographs of me before I was one-year-old, and that my mum and sisters were so... cold towards me growing up. I wasn't considered part of their family, not really, and no one ever told me."
Cullen moved a little closer to her, quickly pushing a hand through his hair as he listened intently.
Nevena curled her legs underneath her. "I was… confused and angry. I never told my parents or my sisters that I found out. I probably should have, but I didn't know how. So, at the time, running away so I could get my head straight seemed the better option than confronting it. I made my excuses to my dad and went home. At the time, I was dating Rick and over the four years of our relationship he had... whittled down what confidence and self-esteem I had until it was practically non-existent. His controlling nature put blockades between me and all the friends I had before him, including Roselyn. He was the only person I felt like I could trust because he orchestrated it that way.
"Stupid, really. I told him what I'd discovered and his response basically boiled down to: 'I don't care. It doesn't matter to me, it shouldn't matter to you. Let it go.' Every time I brought it up he would get angry with me for dwelling on the past, so I stopped. I bottled it up. Christmas came, we spent two days with everyone at my parents' house before they moved. I'd spent three months keeping everything in check and tightly controlled. Every minute I spent with my family that year, I was fighting not to scream or burst into tears." She smiled wryly across at Cullen. "Perfect time for a proposal, right?"
"Rick... proposed to you then?" asked Cullen.
"He'd asked before; made hints and suggestions. I always said I wasn't ready or that I didn't want to ever get married. The truth is, I didn't want to marry him." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'd tried to end things with him so many times before, but always ended up backed into a corner feeling guilty for hurting his feelings. He used the same backing-me-into-a-corner tactic that Christmas. He knew by proposing to me in front of my whole family I wouldn't say no. I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to deal with their criticism. It was the perfect opportunity." Nevena's hands returned to her lap, the rubbing and light scratching resumed. Cullen reached across and took both her hands without a word. "Rick asked me... I said yes because everyone was watching, staring... I regretted it a moment later and I think... I think that was my breaking point. We didn't live together, mercifully. When we got back to Denerim he tried to come in to my flat. I said no. I gave him the ring back, said I couldn't marry him. That I didn't want to be with him, and I closed the door in his face."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that," Nevena nodded slowly. She realised she was staring at a pattern on a cushion on the couch, blinked hard and sighed. "I hoped that would be it." She met Cullen's gaze, her lips curling into a small smile. "Stupid and fucking naïve of me."
Cullen shifted, moving a little closer on the couch so he was no longer leaning against one arm of it. He still kept a gentle hold of Nevena's hands and she noticed how nice his hands were. Distinctly bigger than her own, his skin had a rough texture, warm, but there was no real grip in his hold. She could pull her hands away and he would allow her to.
"So, what happened with Rick?"
"Let me give you some context about Rick," Nevena said. She pushed her glasses on top of her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "He'd always been possessive and controlling, since the day we met. Our first date he ordered for me, food, drinks, everything. When we were together, he would get so jealous of everything I did. If I went out with friends, he would text and call obsessively, demanding to know where I was, and who I was with, and when I would be home. We weren't even living together. He would turn up at places I was spending time with friends and interject himself into my social circle. Sometimes he would act… weird, like, just do little things that only I noticed, and when I would confront him, he would say I was imagining it. That I was overreacting to him being friendly and wanting to get to know my friends." She leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling. "On the rare occasions he admitted wrong-doing his go to apology was along the lines of: 'I just don't like you doing anything without me. I care about you too much. Thinking about you with other people makes me crazy. Just don't do it, and we'll be fine.'"
"Are you serious?" Cullen's voice held and element of disbelief. "That was an apology?" he scoffed.
"Oh yeah," Nevena nodded, "and as time drew on, his 'apologies' became non-existent. He berated me until I was a shell of the person I was when I met him. Eventually he came up with a strategy to win every time we argued - which was a couple of times a week at least. Only used it when he was in the wrong though. If I was in the wrong it was something he would exalt in, crowing about it like it was some victory to lord over me."
"And this strategy was...?"
"Say and do nothing," Nevena smirked. "He was asthmatic and he used it to get his way. Arguments would usually start because he was in the wrong and refused to admit it. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I at least admit when I wrong - he would remind me of it all the time, of course, but that's beside the point. When he was wrong, and I would try to get him to admit it, he would do this... this thing. At first he would just sit, put his fingertips together, like this," she demonstrated, "and stare into the middle distance. He wouldn't move, would hardly blink. At first it would creep me out so much that I would crumble immediately and take the blame myself. Sometimes I would let it go on for a long time, the silence just growing and growing. It's why I sometimes talk endlessly to fill silence. It can make me uncomfortable.
"When I started trying to stick up for myself and not put up with his crap he would begin breathing really short and fast breaths. He would try to bring on an asthma attack, and succeeded several times. After a year or so, the silence wouldn't last and the short breathing would begin almost instantly until he was on the verge of an asthma attack. It got so bad, and I was always so scared he would bring on a bad episode I would apologize over and over, but he wouldn't stop until I was literally on my knees, crying and begging him to stop, and saying I was the one in the wrong, and that he was right. He was always right."
"Can I ask," Cullen huffed, his cheeks pushing out on the breath he exhaled. "I don't really know how to phrase this... You don't have to answer, if you don't want to. Tell me if I'm…" he cleared his throat, "did he... ever...?"
"Get violent?" Nevena finished.
"In a manner of speaking."
Her lips curled at the corners into a grim smile. "Sometimes. At first he would just... threaten it. A fist would fly past my face and hit a wall when he got angry. Or he would lash out as if to smack me and stop himself at the last minute, resorting to patting my cheek, when I'm sure he meant to slap me." She bit her lower lip. Maybe this was too much information. Maybe she should stop. For Cullen's sake, as well as her own. Talking about Rick always filled her with dread, and now was no exception. She wished the lights were brighter, the amount of shadows were making her uneasy - she could just imagine him stepping out from the gloom. "He... uhm..." She scrunched her eyes closed and breathed deep. "He preferred leaving bruises that weren't obvious. That weren't immediately visible." Opening her eyes, she levelled Cullen with a look. "If... If you catch my meaning."
Cullen opened and closed his mouth. Nevena could see him trying to find a way to word whatever question was in his mind. "So... bruising? Under your clothing?"
"That. And he liked rough sex," Nevena said, hoping her grimace was not obvious. "Really rough. He would leave bite marks, bruises, he drew blood a few times. He didn't respect boundaries, what I was comfortable with. Safe words didn't exist to him. And the words 'no' or 'stop' had no meaning... It was very... him centric. As long as he got off, he was happy. Honestly, by the time things got that bad I... I'd lost almost all my will to fight him on anything. I'd lie there and take it." She breathed out uneasily feeling her chest constrict. Pain tingled behind her nose and she fought to hold back tears that were threatening to well up in her eyes. "I think it made things better for him. If I... when I cried. Or bled. Or..." Feeling bile rising up her throat, Nevena swallowed thickly and the rest of her words died in her mouth.
"Oh." Cullen's face was grave. His voice still. "I see. I'm... I'm sorry. So sorry that happened to you." He gingerly reached towards Nevena and she allowed him to take her hands. "If that was an inappropriate question to ask, I-"
"No," Nevena shook her head and sniffled. "It's fine. It's best to ask questions, if you want to." She swallowed again and closed her eyes to centre her thoughts. A tear slipped down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"Nevena," Cullen said gently, "if you don't want to talk about this, please don't force yourself."
"No, no. I'm fine." She replied, trying to smile. "It's just... sometimes I feel like just thinking about him will summon him to wherever I am."
Cullen moved closer, "Nev..."
"Skipping forward to when I broke up with him," she continued hurriedly, "it went about as well as you can probably imagine. At the time, I was living in a building with maintenance and a super. Rick started kicking the door after I closed it. He was shouting, screaming, making a scene and threatening me through the door. I called down to the super, as did a few other residents apparently. Rick was escorted from the building and barred."
"That's good, right?"
"Hah, you'd think." Nevena gave a strained laugh. "Roselyn never liked Rick, and he didn't like Roselyn. While he and I were together, it created a huge chasm between Rose and me... We didn't talk for about a year, but Roselyn was the first person I called when I broke up with him. I didn't have anyone else I felt like I could tell. I would have understood if she'd put the phone down on me, but she didn't. She came over, sat with me, and we talked. I told her pretty much everything I'm telling you, now.
"She kind of took charge because I was flip-flopping between whether I'd made the right choice or not. I was terrified that Rick would bring on an asthma attack and hurt himself, and it would be my fault. Roselyn kept reminding me that Rick was a grown man. If he chose to do that, the consequences were on him..." Nevena sighed. "She removed Rick from all my social media, blocked him on Facebook, twitter. In the space of him being escorted from my building, he'd called and texted dozens of times. Roselyn blocked him on my phone. She went with me the next day to get my number changed. She was... amazing."
"Sounds like she really cares about you."
"She does," Nevena nodded. "She and Alistair, the both of them, were great through the whole ordeal. I crashed on their couch for a month one time, and they didn't complain at all. I'm really lucky to know them both."
"I take it changing your number wasn't the end of it?"
"Not even slightly." Nevena ran her hands back through her hair. "Eventually, I told my sisters and my parents. Rick had already told them and given them a tearful rendition of the break up and how I was being unreasonable. Naturally, they took his side over mine. I was given lectures from all sides, about how I was being selfish, how I would never find someone as good as Rick was. I tried to explain, and none of them would listen. My dad wouldn't speak to me, said I'd done irreparable damage to him and his fucking company." Tears burned her eyes and made the space behind her nose uncomfortable. Nevena rubbed her sleeve over her face gritting her jaw. She shuddered and told herself it was just the cold. "He didn't care at all about what damage Rick did to me over four years. None of them did."
"Hey, it's okay." Cullen moved closer still, until his knees were touching her leg. He took her hands again, and then moved his grip further up her arms until he was holding her gently by the shoulders. "Nevena, you don't have to continue, if you don't want to."
"No." She sniffed and took a few moments to regain her composure. "I do. I want to. I'm fine." She rubbed her eyes. "I'm fine. I can do this. Please let me. I want you to know. To… to understand."
"If you're sure." He sat back.
"I'm sure." A brief smile. "I am. So," Nevena huffed, dropping her shoulders. "After getting no support from my family, I decided to stick with the people I knew were on my side. I didn't count on my family trying to help Rick get back into my life, though. Ineria gave Rick my new number after the first time I changed it. It happened again, with Clotilde, and with Arienne. Every time I changed my number, they gave it to him. They all thought they were helping. They thought they were helping when they invited him to a family get together where I was going to be. They loved Rick. Far more than they loved me, it seems... I stopped giving them my number after the fifth time I changed it. I didn't reply to emails from them. I didn't want them to be in my life if they were going to try and coerce me into a relationship I didn't want. If they wanted to have Rick over me, they could have him.
"The thing is, they never knew, or never wanted to know, how bad it got. How close I came to..." Nevena shook her head and tucked her hands into her sleeves. "In the months following breaking up with him, a new side of Rick came out. A side I had only ever seen glimpses of. He started stalking me. He would be across the street when I left in the morning to go to work. He would be outside the school as the kids were going home. I would get letters from him containing photographs of me while I was out doing mundane tasks. He would write things like... he liked how a certain shirt looked when I was wearing it. The letters started off just plain pathetic and creepy, but they became violent. He would write about how he wanted to take me away, somewhere no one would find me, and-"
"Wait." Cullen spoke up, placing a hand on Nevena's. She looked up at him. His expression was hard, brows furrowed with a crease across his forehead. There was anger in his face, disgust too. His free hand was balled tightly into a fist, the knuckles white. "The police. You went to the police, right?"
"I did..."
"And?"
"They couldn't do anything."
A bark of laughter left Cullen's mouth. "You're joking, right? He was threatening to abduct you, he was stalking you... and they couldn't do anything?"
Nevena shook her head slowly. "No. I mean, I had an officer to liaise with, Captain Aveline Vallen. She was the one I gave all the letters to, all the proof. But because he only threatened to act and hadn't actually done anything, it was all circumstantial, stuff that could be used as back up proof if he ever did go through with the things he threatened. It wasn't considered serious enough for a restraining order or anything. She said you can't arrest someone for planning something, only if they do it. Otherwise the police would arrest every person who threatened to kill someone in the heat of an argument or a drunken rage."
"That's ridiculous," Cullen scoffed.
"It's how things are..." Nevena shrugged. "Aveline was great though. She wanted to do more than she could, you just knew she did. But she was bound by the higher powers."
"And this... this behaviour carried on for eighteen months?"
"About that, yeah." Nevena swept her hair over one shoulder. "My life became all about working. I felt safer at work. It's a private school so we have security, and the head mistress, Madam Vivienne noticed I wasn't myself early on. When I told her what was happening, she increased security and had them on the lookout for Rick all the time - she was worried about me, but also the students. If he turned up, he was escorted off the grounds. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing and it felt good to have that security at work." Pausing, Nevena moved, uncurling her legs and stretching them out towards the coffee table. She winced through pins and needles shooting through her limbs.
"Honestly, going to and from work was the worst, next to being home. Sometimes he would be on the same train or bus as me and just... sit there, staring. Not doing anything, just following me. I would get off the train and run all the way home. I changed the locks on my front door, had a security alarm installed as well extra locks on the windows, just in case. I lived in fear for... a long time. There were times I wouldn't leave the house for days, I would keep the curtains drawn. I was diagnosed with anxiety. My whole life was spiralling out of my control because of one person. And aside from Roselyn and Alistair, I didn't have anyone else's support. My family picked Rick over me and as far as I was concerned, I was done with them."
"I'm sorry." Cullen took both her hands in his and brought them to his mouth. Nevena's skin tingled where he kissed it and she fought back the prickling behind her eyes. "For everything he put you through." The gesture and words were sincere and unexpected; Nevena's chest tightened a little when he lifted his eyes to hers. For a split second it was like she couldn't breathe. "I can't imagine what it was like for you."
"It wasn't the best time, no," she replied managing to catch her breath that hitched. "But, there's a happy ending. Kind of. If you're not bored."
"Never." He continued to hold her hands, thumbs making regular brushes over her knuckles. Nevena watched the repetitive motion. "Tell me."
Nevena cleared her throat. "Realising that he wasn't going to leave me alone, Roselyn hatched a plan to entrap him. She'd probably been watching too many true crime shows, but we all knew we needed to catch Rick actually doing something. I gave her access to all my social media. She unblocked him and over a week messaged him as me. As me, she told him how much I missed him, how much I regretted breaking up with him, and that I was just overwhelmed with the proposal." Nevena laughed softly to herself. "I don't know if she expected it to work, but Rick bought it and within a week arranged to meet 'me'."
"But it was Roselyn?"
"Mhm-hm. She arranged the meet up on a school day after work. She and Alistair sat at a table with a clear view to where Rick was sitting. I wasn't coming. At all. I didn't even know she arranged this until later."
"Right."
"As Roselyn kept texting him on a spare phone she had, Alistair recorded the whole thing. As me, Roselyn told Rick I was running late and to order me something. I don't drink alcohol much, Roselyn knows that. So does Rick. She asked for a soda, he ordered some sort of soda vodka mix... And Alistair caught him on camera lacing the drink meant for me with something."
"Like... a drug?"
"Yeah. It was tested by the police after Rick was arrested. It was a tranquilizer, like rohypnol, that would have made it seem like I was very, very drunk if ingested. Effectively making me vaguely aware of things but not in control of myself, I guess?"
"So, he was arrested?" Cullen asked.
"Roselyn called Aveline as soon as she and Alistair realised what Rick had done. Aveline arrived, Rick was arrested - without putting up a struggle, it was like he knew he'd been caught. He was taken to a holding cell temporarily and charged with possession of a controlled substance. When all the other evidence in relation to the stalking came to light, that was also added to the charges along with harassment... He was supposed to get a long jail sentence."
"He didn't?"
Nevena shook her head with a bitter smile. "Not even a month. He was out on bail within twenty-four hours. Having a rich, influential family helps an awful lot. He was given a fine, community service, and a court order to attend a psychiatric evaluation. I think his family took him to Tevinter, or Antiva." She shrugged and pulled her hands from Cullen's to rub her arms. "I got my restraining order. Too little, too late. But I got it. And... then I moved to my loft. My old place just felt tainted. Since then, I've been trying to rebuild my life and my confidence."
"Oh."
"Yeah..." Nevena got to her feet, needing to stretch and put some space between herself and Cullen. She needed to put some space between herself and her account too. Talking about everything made her uneasy and recounting it all caused so much of the fear she felt then come flooding back. "Sorry, that was a lot to dump on you. I know it's kind of crazy."
"No, no, it's not that." Cullen stood up too. He ran his hands over his face and scratched his stubble. "I'm just... astounded, I guess? And angry. And confused, I think."
"Why?"
"Why did you think telling me this would make me think you're a terrible person?" Cullen crossed his arms over his chest. "If anything, I'm impressed by you. By how resilient you are. I'm about as much of a fan of your family as I was before, but you... You're just... remarkable. To experience that and still be the way you are."
A weak laugh fell out of Nevena's mouth. She grabbed the edge of the counter to support herself, feeling as though her knees were about to buckle. He was looking at her as though she were something or someone special. Like she was precious and rare. She was torn between asking him not to look at her like that, and never wanting him to stop looking at her in such a way. "I just... I thought, given how I handled it, with Rick, my family... I suppose I convinced myself I was a pretty shitty person for not really explaining to them. Or him."
"Sounds like you did try to explain things to them from where I'm standing," Cullen said, "and fuck explaining anything to Rick. That your family valued him over you is... maddening to me. Did you show them the letters? The photographs?"
"Yep," Nevena snorted. "They accused me of having someone take the photos for me, writing the letters myself. Ineria was convinced I was doing it for attention. And I guess... I could kind of understand their view."
Cullen scoffed, "You're joking."
"No." Slowly, Nevena began to sweep her fingers through her hair, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. "In front of them, Rick was always a gentleman. He was a chameleon. He was charming and funny, very charismatic in public, and it was only to me he showed his true colours... Of course, his dad and mine were friends since childhood," She chuckled. "I didn't stand a chance against that."
"Of course," Cullen huffed.
Silence fell between them for several minutes. Nevena busied her hands by putting away the crockery and utensils Cullen used earlier. She could see him reflected in the kitchen window, his expression puzzled and thoughtful. Clearly Nevena had given him a lot to think about, and he would need time to mull it all over. She felt odd, having disclosed something so personal to him. Tired, vulnerable, but oddly lighter. She entrusted him with something sensitive and private, just as he had; the ground they were on now was even.
"Can I just clarify something?" he asked.
"Sure." Nevena went and leaned against the arm of the sofa. "What is it?" She stretched her legs out before her.
"Was it your intention to separate yourself from your family when you found out you were adopted?"
"No," Nevena said, without a moment of hesitation. "I wanted space, some time to think. I told Rick because I wanted to talk to someone about it. To get my head straight. My plan was to approach my dad about it when the stress of moving was done in the New Year. But then everything with Rick happened, and when my family picked him over me, I think I realised how little value I held to them."
Cullen came and leaned on the arm of the couch beside her, "So, in that case, why did you agree to come here? For Christmas? Why did you agree to put yourself through this?"
She bowed her head, biting her lips while considering his query. It was a good question, one she asked herself several times over the last few days. "Because... they're my family," she admitted in a small voice. "They're the only family I've known. And they're not perfect. My sisters are judgemental, my mum is a piece of work, my dad is a dinosaur, but they're all I've known my whole life. I love them, for better or worse, even if some of them don't love me. I wanted to reconnect with them." She smiled as she turned her head and looked at him, realising he was watching her. "I know it sounds stupid and probably doesn't make much sense."
"Not stupid," Cullen sighed, "I understand. I think." He reached across and tentatively took her hand in his, sliding his fingers between hers. Nevena's face warmed. She stared at their hands connected in her lap fighting for each inhalation to settle the butterflies in her chest. "Your family have no idea what a remarkable person you are, clearly."
"I'm not remarkable," she said, breathing out shakily. "I'm no different to anyone."
Cullen's free hand brushed the underside of her chin, a feather of a touch but she felt as it as though he'd grabbed her. She allowed him to guide her head to turn until she was looking up at him, hoping her swallowing down on her heart thudding at the back of her throat wasn't as obvious as it felt. He was looking at her again, with a softness and warmth in his expression that made Nevena's stomach coil and her toes curl. She remembered the kiss in the kitchen. A tingle came to her lips and she struggled not to let her eyes flick down and trace the shape of his mouth.
"Yes, you are."
Maker, he was handsome. He was handsome and genuine, and kind. Maybe if they'd met three years, two years, even a year before, things would be different for the both of them. Maybe if she'd known Cullen before Rick, none of it would have happened.
He didn't speak, not with words at least. His expression spoke for him, the affection she saw in his honey-brown eyes making her feel like she could simply fall into him. Maker's breath, she wanted to. His fingers under her chin drew back and forth softly along her jaw line and up, tracing over the shell of her ear to tuck her hair behind it.
She was leaning into him, willing him to kiss her, willing herself to simply give in. She wanted that same heady kiss again. She craved the fire and need she felt behind every touch and it was so tantalizingly close. His hand curved around to cradle the back of her skull. She wanted it, him, more than air, but a louder part of her mind was screaming. It would make things messy and confusing. It would only hurt more when the contract came to an end, if she allowed things to go any further. She didn't want to make things any more complicated. She didn't want him to feel like he should do this because of what she told him.
"Cullen," Nevena murmured, gathering every ounce of strength and will power.
His eyes slipped closed, his lips dangerously close to hers. "Nevena..."
She dropped her head so his lips pressed against her forehead. Even that was enough to make her heart stutter. "We shouldn't." Immediately his eyes flickered open. His cheeks were red and he pulled back, looking a little dazed. Nevena extracted her hand from his own. "I'm sorry." She slid off the arm of the couch and smiled weakly. "I just... I don't want this to be... weird."
He nodded a little, still wearing a look of mild confusion. "Yeah... yeah. I... I'm sorry, too."
"It's fine." Nevena ran her hand through her hair. "It's been a long night."
"Definitely." Cullen stood.
"I, uhm..." She reached for his arm, thought better of it and dropped her hand to her side. "Thank you. For listening. I mean... I appreciate you being so patient."
"Of course." Cullen slid his hands into his pockets. "Thank you for trusting me."
She felt awkward standing there, smiling half heartedly while desperately regretting not kissing him. A brief nod and she tucked her hands into the sleeves of her hoodie. "I'm going back to bed," she announced. "Guess I'll see you in the morning."
"Not too early?" he laughed, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"Sure." Nevena closed the bedroom door behind her and quickly climbed back into bed. For a few minutes she stared at the door, hoping Cullen might just throw caution to the wind. Hoping he might come in, pin her down, and kiss her until she couldn't breathe. She would let him. She would enjoy it too, and keep him entwined in her arms until they were sweat slicked, and panting, and clinging to each other, unsure where one started and the other ended.
She bit her lip against the heavy, pleasant twisting of her stomach and quickly fled to the ensuite bathroom to splash water on her face. It had been a long time since she felt anything close to the way he made her feel. She wasn't sure if it was lust, or longing, or desire, a basic need for more intimate companionship, or more than that, but it was confusing and had the ability to overwhelm her better senses.
It was a dangerous feeling, and scary in its own way. Nevena wasn't certain if she wanted to embrace it or not.
