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Jamie's Point of View

I stared at the ceiling, trying to escape the pain. Mark had not helped to soothe it, if anything it was worse than it was two weeks ago. I felt like a ghost, gliding through a terrible world that only existed in my mind. And to make things even more miserable, this afternoon I was going to First beach with the rest of my…friends, despite the fact that I had told Mark several times that I really did not want to go. He had insisted, letting me know that I was being ridiculous. How could I hate the beach?

Even now, I couldn't believe it. We were going to Jacob's beach. My stomach twisted at the thought. What if he was there? What if he saw me with Mark? Oh, God. We had had our first kiss on that beach. We had professed our love to each other less than a mile away. My heart throbbed.

Stop thinking Jamie.

It's the only escape…

Just…stop…


The doorbell rang. My hands tightened around the bed covers. No. Please, no. There was a knock. My stomach threatened to dislodge its contents. I really didn't want to do this. Try. You have to try to move on. I slid out of bed and staggered out of my room. I imagined this was how it felt to be hung over. Several times over. I grabbed my rain-jacket out of the coat closet. Though it wasn't supposed to rain I thought it was best to be prepared. I opened the door.

"Jamie," Mark smiled at me.

"Mark. Hello."

Mark didn't even notice my bedraggled appearance. I think he had realized something else had happened in his absence and didn't push it. I mean, why would he? He had already made his conquest. Who cares about its state? Really, was I this lonely?

We entered his black sports car and pulled out of the driveway.

"I can't believe you're not more excited about going to the beach."

"I told you. I don't like it there."

"C'mon. You loved the beach back in Florida."

I sighed, looking away from him into the forest. "I'm not that girl anymore Mark. I told you. I'm different, okay? Besides if you think that La Push's beaches are like Florida's you must be incredibly delu…" There was a flash of color between the trees. I leaned forward, searching for another glimpse of… Again. Grey broke the never-ending greenness. It was too high up for any normal animal. I clutched the arm-rests. One of the wolves. My breathing came in shallow, short pants. They were watching me. I wondered how often they did this, without me even realizing it.

"…you even listening to me? Jamie?" Mark placed his hand on mine. A pang of disgust ran through me.

"Huh? Oh…Yeah. I saw something is all. Do you mind putting up the top? The wind's kind of annoying."

Mark looked a little irritated but obliged. While he did so, I sneaked my hand out of his reach.

"Thanks." I smiled weakly. "Now, what were you saying?"

I couldn't believe what they were wearing. I couldn't believe it. "You guys do know that the water is freezing, right?" Bikinis. They had on skimpy, Floridian Bikinis.

"So? It's not like we'll like, actually be going in or anything," said Olivia.

"Yeah. In case the sun comes out," Meaghan piped up. You have got to be kidding me.

"Yeah, like in a million years," I muttered. "Please tell me you brought something to wear over those," I said louder. They looked at me funny. My nails dug into my palm. Idiots. My old friends had actually had common sense. I sucked in a sharp breath at the thought. Have you forgotten, Jamie that your old friends either hang out with Dracula and/or hate you? Tears burnt my throat. That's what I thought.

"It can't be that bad, Jamie," Natalie said arrogantly, "I'm sure we can handle it."

Arrogant brat. Not feeling like they were worth the words, I began down the path irritably, stuffing my hands into my jacket pockets. These days it seemed like all I ever felt was angry or mind-numbingly sad. I shook off the thought and pressed forward under the false impression that the faster we got there, the faster we'd get out. Maybe it was a good thing they'd worn only bikinis. Mark caught up to me easily, gracefully, unnervingly, while the other four hung back, content to gossip.

I stopped abruptly at the edge of the forest. What if he was out there right now, laughing, telling stories? Oh, God. Before I could turn back though, Mark grabbed my arm and pulled me out. I resisted the urge to close my eyes.

My worries had been pointless, the beach, I realized with relief, was empty.

The ocean wind was bitterly cold. It didn't bother me much; I was used to the feeling. Desensitized after days of being cold. Others were affected though. I tried not to smirk at Natalie's gritted teeth and the other girl's squeals. Mark offered to warm me up, i.e. put his arm around me. I politely declined. I usually avoided contact with Mark or anyone else, for that matter. All it did was remind me of the warmth I was missing.

"I did some research and there's some tide pools down the beach. Anyone want to go see them?" Mark asked. Every one voiced their assent except me. "Jamie?" I shrugged my shoulders. It was good enough for them. Mark grabbed my limp hand, to my displeasure, and led the way.

We were sitting on a rock looking down at a busy tide pool. The fact that anything could flourish in a shallow pool like this would have amazed me any other day, but today all I could think of was of how cold Mark's hand was. It took all I could not to rip my hand away and shove it in my jacket pocket. To distract myself, I listened in on Natalie's and Heather's conversation. They were leaving for college in Florida in three weeks and were discussing which classes they would be taking, where there dorms were, and so on. So much for a distraction.

Then, in the corner of my eye, I saw Mark leaning towards me, his empty hand about to pull my head around to face him. I realized, with horror, what he was doing. Son of a…

I stood up abruptly, my hand pulling away from Mark's. He was not kissing me. Not on my lips, not on my cheek, not on my hand. Not now. "It's really cold," I announced, "Let's go back."

Olivia sighed in relief. "Good! You were right, it is really cold here. Fork's beaches suck." I didn't even have the heart to roll my eyes.

I had thought they were tourists, for some reason, at the distance I was from them. I had thought that we could easily just sidestep the figures in front of us. I hadn't paid any attention to the color of their skin or their height. I mean, there was a little girl with them!

Maybe my mind had been in denial, just so I could see him again.

Jacob, I mean.

Quil and Embry were there too, and Claire. I kept my eyes on them, afraid of what really seeing Jacob would do to me. Quil held a video camera in his hand, his face stretching into a smile as he watched Claire as she shoved sea-shells in front of it and, from way her mouth was moving, babbled. After a few seconds of this, Claire walked over to Embry and held her hands out as if introducing him. I almost smiled. Then, she walked over to Jacob, frowning, hands on hips. I finally allowed myself to look at him.

He looked terrible…even from where I was I could see that. His shoulders were hunched over and his face was haggard. He didn't even glance down at Claire once, although she was grabbing onto his leg, and talking up to him with a cross look on her face.

"Jamie? Why'd you stop?" Had I stopped? "Do you know these people?" I didn't respond. Just continued to stare in horror, as Jacob's head moved to face my direction. He'd heard Meaghan. It was weird. You'd think my heart would feel better, being this close to him, but it didn't. It felt worse, as if it knew how close he was and yet, how unreachable. Jacob's eyes met mine. They widened. I should have looked away, I should have moved, but I was frozen to my spot in the sand. Something slowly began to occur to me. Jacob's here. Jacob's here. Jacob is here! The thought was giddy, swirling around in my head. Jacob stumbled forward a step. Something in me cried with joy. My right heel left the ground, preparing my foot to take a step…

"Jamie?" My head jerked towards Mark as I was snapped out of my trance. What was I doing? My heel dropped back to down into the sand. "Who's that?"

At this, my eyes moved back to Jacob; he was looking at Mark with terrible recognition. Shit. He had remembered the pictures. His eyes darted back to mine. They were accusing, filled with betrayal and endless pain. My knees almost gave way. Oh, God. Embry was suddenly behind him, saying something to him. Jacob swiveled around and pushed him, his expression furious. Then Jacob was pointing at me and shaking and yelling. I couldn't have understood what he was saying, even if he was in earshot. This was all my fault. Quil grabbed up Claire protectively. I took a step backwards, eyeing his violent trembling. Jake wouldn't. Not here. Embry's hands were up in innocence, his lips moving…in explanation? Jacob punched him in the face and Embry fell. Jacob's figure was blurring. I thought I was going to die. A strangled noise left my throat. Jacob's face whipped towards me at the sound. I flinched back, afraid of what he could do to me. His eyes watched me for an immeasurable moment, filling with guilt, and then he was running, running towards the woods. Embry sat up and spat out blood. He raised his eyes to the sky for a second and then was off after Jacob, shaking in the same way.

Quil walked past us, Claire in his arms, and shot me a reproachful glare. I didn't blame him. I deserved it.

Eventually he too, disappeared into the woods.

Nobody had time to comment, because right then it started to pour. Really rain. Someone shrieked, breaking me out of my reverie. The rain jacket in my arms dropped to the ground. I couldn't bear to be around these clueless, stupid people. I had to get away, if only for a few moments. For a second, my eyes met Mark's and then I ran, just like Jacob and Embry. Just like them.


Stupid Jamie. Sigh.

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