A/N: Kodaline's All I want is song I listened to while writing this(among other songs) and for once it in a way suits the thing I'm writing. For this to be true you might have to twist the lyrics a little because I haven't done enough research to know exactly what they meant by them. So I'll take what I want from them. Sorry Kodaline, love you tho.
"All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die as a happy man I'm sure"
The melody is nice and light and definitely has hope written all over it.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist born in Zürich in 1926 and deceased in U.S. in 2004. She engaged in medical studies even though her father insisted she wouldn't. But she persisted and graduated from The University of Zürich in 1957 and a year later moved to New York after her fiancée. She continued her studies there and was appalled by the hospital treatment of dying patients, which sparked an interest to make people understand them better in order to fill their needs. Kübler-Ross studied death and near-death experiences by interviewing terminally ill people. It ultimately led to her book On Death and Dying which contained also the now-famous Five Stages of Grief. Even though the Kübler-Ross model had received a lot of criticism since then, Isak still saw it everywhere.
Every site dealing with terminal illnesses or loss of a loved one had these same five stages that gave him absolutely nothing to work with as he wasn't the one terminally ill. None of these pointless lists had no advice as to how he could accept what was going on. These five stages just assumed how all people reacted to horrible news when in reality it was never so simple. It was like saying the sky is blue, which was also just partly true as the world didn't have colour just different frequencies of radiation our brain translate as colours. Isak had a hard time believing this praised model had ever done anyone any good based on the grim way it stated that the fifth(final) stage wasn't closure or a happy one.
Isak didn't know how to look at Even anymore. He couldn't sleep or eat and every time Even coughed Isak's heart started racing. When they watched a movie, Isak didn't really watch. He was somewhere far away in a parallel universe where he was pretending to be happy.
He point-blank refused to plan anything ahead and soon enough was so busy with school that he had no time for anything else. There was no other way to say it:
Isak was avoiding Even as if this way he didn't have to watch him die.
Still he also struggled to keep in mind that Even was sick as the knowledge of the impending death seemed to have zero influence on Even's mindset. Somehow it made the whole episode surreal.
He didn't want to go with Even to talk about the treatments that would do nothing for him. He didn't want to hear Even refusing them in order to live instead of trying not to die.
"Are you okay?" Jonas asked carefully and it annoyed Isak.
"Sure," he answered nonchalantly keeping his eyes on the tv-screen and the COD match they had going on. He felt Jonas' eyes on him and was annoyed that he had asked in the first place only to refuse Isak's answer.
"Seriously, I'm fine. Peachy," Isak said coating his words with a laughter that was too tense to fool his friend.
Jonas paused the game turning his whole body to face Isak.
"You have to go home," he said and Isak didn't want to hear him. He just unpaused the game and shoved some chips into his mouth.
"Did you hear what happened to Magnus over the weekend?" he asked eyes fixed on the game that suddenly froze as Jonas closed the console.
"Stop it. Whatever it is you are doing – it needs to stop," Jonas said gesturing something – that Isak didn't understand – with his hands.
"Playing?" Isak asked furrowing his brows as if he didn't know what Jonas was talking about. But he did. He also knew exactly what the other was about to say and he also knew Jonas was right. Isak braced himself mentally for the push Jonas was about to give him. The One that would make him go back to Even and stop denying facts.
"Do you think he's not scared? Hell, Isak, even I'm scared," Jonas said with a sharp tone pausing a little before continuing, "you have got to pull yourself together. You can't abandon Even just because you are a little scared. Face it. It's happening whether you like it or not. You have to be there for him."
Isak couldn't look at his friend. He let the words sink in during the silence following Jonas' words and felt a lump on his throat.
"And what if I can't?" Isak asked hoping Jonas could answer his question, however, knowing he couldn't. He wiped his tears from his cheeks trying to keep his act together.
"You'll have to try, Isak. I'm here for you, you are not alone," Jonas said in a voice almost a whisper and Isak knew it was because he didn't trust himself to speak.
"I'm so fucking scared," Isak said so loudly not only did he manage to scare Jonas' but also himself. He felt Jonas' strong arms wrap around him and he clutched to his friend like his life depended on it.
For the first time, he was able to think about things from Even's point of view and realized he had no idea how he was doing. Isak had been so busy thinking about his own feelings he hadn't simply had the capacity to involve Even's.
So, when he wrapped his hands around Even he was scared of breaking him. It was the first time he noticed the other had lost weight and it made the nightmare all the more real.
But despite all this Even simply turned around sharing a wide smile before kissing him. Isak could taste his own salty tears in their kiss and he felt guilty for crying.
"I've spent months dying. But now I think I'm finally ready to live. Could you live with me?" he asked making Isak only cry harder. Still he nodded mumbling a yes. He wiped his nose on his sleeve making Even laugh at the amount of snot left on the fabric.
Even's hands left Isak's sides and from his sobbing Isak didn't notice him kneeling on the floor. Even had a ring in his hand and a smile on his face.
"Isak Valtersen, will you marry me?"
Isak couldn't speak or think he just sobbed in front of Even for what seemed like forever. It took a lot of nose-wiping and willpower but Isak managed to nod weakly. Everything was so messed up and Isak hated to be an emotional wreck.
He hated how Even hadn't included him in his journey to accepting his illness.
He hated how he was expected to do it alone.
"'Til death do us part. Easiest marriage ever," Even joked after slipping the ring on Isak's finger. He must've instantly regretted his decision to joke about it since it made all of Isak's efforts wash off and the crying consumed. But to Isak's surprise Even looked relieved and happy instead of regretful and he couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why.
The feeling had some similarities with seeing a clown in a horror movie for the first time. It was all about the contrast. Clowns were usually associated with something funny and happy and horror movies obviously with fright and anxiousness. When something expected to be delightful turns out to be anything but that, it makes one doubt. It confuses the web of association in our memory bringing something new to the picture. Next time when the person would meet a clown the new association would present itself and things like circus, balloon, happiness, face paint and goofiness would pop into mind but with fear along with them.
A promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had the same effect. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by a bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after.
Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer:
Soon to be expired.
Isak tore a whole to the emotional wall he had built during the month so that he could reach out from behind it. He was tired of being alone in his own happy place pretending to be happy when he really was just lonely and sad.
The ring in his finger quickly became a symbol of how much he loved Even. It was a concrete proof to Isak of how he was ready to do this with him.
That was a lie.
Isak wasn't ready at all but he was going to do it anyway. He was going to go on this adventure together with Even, not caring that the adventure happened to be about dying.
Another lie.
He cared. But he was going to do it anyway because, like he said, he loved Even and that most certainly was not a lie.
The first stage: Denial and Isolation
The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.
Isolation arises from people, even family members, avoiding the dying person.
A/N2: Kübler-Ross is a real person(deceaced) and the five stages of grief inspired me to write this. I haven't read her book yet but I probably will as I'm very interested of the discussions she had with the dying people. What did she ask them and how did they explain their experiences.
I've always been pondering about death and despite my efforts I still somehow fail to understand. It should be easy and natural but it's just curious and scary.
The chapters are all going to be quite short so they don't have the time to get so heavy.
I don't know what else to say. I'm gloomy again.
Hopefully someone can enjoy this as writing this feels cathartic somehow.
Sorry for the mistakes!
Thanks for reading! xx
(Oh and the end-quote is copied from wikipedia, hahha. lame)
