A/N: Hello again and if you are reading this, you make me a very happy person.
Anger is something I have had to deal with a lot so it was weird how hard it was to write this down. I guess it is something I really don't know how to handle properly, haha.
The frustration probably steps in more strongly later.
Again sorry for the mistakes and thank you so much for reading! xx
Isak hadn't ever imagined that Disneyland would make him feel anger. Out of all the possible feelings anger was the least expected. Maybe it wasn't the Disneyland that made him angry but he was still angry at Disneyland all the same. He didn't want to be but he was.
He was constantly looking at couples older than them maliciously. He was envious that they got to have a life together when he was deprived of it. It didn't make sense to him at all why Even had to get sick when it could've been the guy in a funny hat smoking outside of smoking area or the big boned girl who cut them in line for the Mad Tea Party or the bulky guy eating ice cream in front of a fountain.
But none of them were sick while Even still was.
He didn't smile at the ride and the picture Even took with him was either morbid or hilarious depending on who looked at it.
Luckily, he forgot to be mad when Even bought himself a pair of Mickey Mouse ears.
He forgot that Even was sick when they asked an old lady to take a picture of them with Jack Sparrow who was apparently very openminded for a pirate since he looked delighted as they kissed. However, he got a grim reminder as the older passed out after coughing hard.
Luckily, they got help without asking for it because Isak was so shocked he didn't know if he could've asked. It was the first time he saw something concrete besides weight loss and paleness and when Even collapsed right in front of him Isak felt as if the whole world went down with him.
It was like waking up from a nice day dream to remember you're actually in hell.
He held Even's hand in the back of the ambulance stroking the back gently. Even looked apologetic as he had woken up almost immediately after the ambulance had arrived. Isak couldn't comfort him because he was still in shock and an army of unpleasant thoughts were battling inside his head.
He thought that the Five Stages were bullshit as denial came to his rescue like a knight in a shining armour. This just simply wasn't happening.Even couldn't die because they still had so much they had to do together.
Denial was quickly replaced by anger, which made Isak snarl to the hospital staff without realizing he was embarrassing Even.
Luckily most of the staff spoke English so lousily they couldn't understand most of the things he was saying to them.
"Relax, baby. It's nothing. I just haven't eaten much," Even said when Isak didn't stop pacing around the hospital bed Even was lying in.
"I'm sorry, I just –" Isak started not being able to finish. During the past months, he had become skilled at pushing his thoughts aside and that is exactly what he did now as he lied down next to Even, facing him.
"It's just so unfair," Isak said almost by accident making Even smile faintly and lift his slightly shaky hand to his cheek.
"What is?" Even asked waiting eagerly for Isak to say it out loud. Finally say out loud that Even was dying but he didn't.
"Nothing," Isak lied closing his eyes.
"I think it's kind of ironic that I've tried to kill myself before and now that I want nothing but to be with you I'm dead," Even huffed out a dry laughter and it was the first negative thing Isak had heard him say ever since telling about his condition. It made him equally anxious as it made him relieved. It also made him sad and angry because now that Even was affected by it, there was no way of ignoring the elephant in the room anymore.
"You can sell our story so they'll make a movie about us. Everyone loves tragedies."
"I don't. I absolutely hate tragedies," Isak argued making Even wrap his hands around him.
"But you could become a millionaire," he heard Even whisper and to him it was so bittersweet. He felt like there was a second meaning to every word they said. They included not only the thoughts they voiced but also the ones they would have liked to keep as a secret.
Even went through his pockets and after a while of struggling he managed to draw out his phone and headphones. He gave one to Isak after placing the other in his own ear.
They looked at each other.
They were so close neither of them could fully make out the other's face. Isak recognized the song but didn't know the name or artist. When he closed his eyes listening to the tunes everything else disappeared around them and just like that they were floating away from the reality neither of them desired to live in.
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
Even rubbed their noses together making Isak smile. He placed a lazy kiss on Even's lips and after that they both fell asleep only to be awakened by a nurse fifteen minutes later.
Isak hadn't noticed he had been so exhausted and also Even's eyes were drooping as he struggled to stay awake while speaking with the nurse.
Isak held Even's hands listening to the conversation without saying a word. He was just observing how they tried their best to understand each other and the nurse's expression got emphatic as the words terminal, lung and cancer were released into the air all three of them were breathing.
The second stage; anger
When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?".
A/N2: Lyrics are from Garu Jules' Mad world
The song doesn't reflect the anger this chapter is about but since this is Isak's POV it brings out Even's feelings he is unable to say out loud either for Isak's or for his own sake. I see the lyrics(among else) as in someone watching the world as an outsider who feels unconnected and sees existence as something trivial and everything in it mundane.
In this case I wanted to use it as this kind of out-of-body-experience Even has while they listen to it, as before he plays it, he speaks of his death and their story as something complete even going so far as to claim himself already dead despite pleading Isak to live with him in the second chapter. And on the other hand it also speaks something about Isak's frustration for not being able to help Even. "When people run in circles its a very very mad world."
