"I've never doubted my mission."
Those were first words Castiel said after sitting down beside Aziraphale over half an hour ago.
Aziraphale nodded serenely. Castiel was grateful how the other angel never pushed or forced their conversations; he waited patiently until Castiel had gathered his thoughts and was ready to talk.
"I have never doubted. I might have my questions, and sometimes I've thought that we could maybe do more, but… I'm loyal to Heaven. I believe that what we do, we do because it's necessary, even if it's not the easiest thing to do and may seem cruel for others… Yet still, why", Castel raised his head to look Aziraphale almost pleadingly, "why do I then feel like this? Why do I feel like I've done something wrong?"
"What did you do, dear?" Aziraphale asked gently.
Castiel closed his eyes and let his head droop down. "I… I met old companion of mine. Anna. She used to be leader of our garrison, but she… disobeyed, and fell." He sighed deeply. "I was sent with Uriel to… to kill her, but the Winchesters – Dean and his brother – found her before us. They put up fight and she managed to get her grace back, and then escaped. Heaven wasn't pleased." He looked up again. "We are given orders to capture her and sent her back to Heaven, to be punished, or… or kill her, if necessary."
Aziraphale looked at him with sad, gentle eyes. "How does that make you feel?" he asked. There was no blame in his voice, only deep worry and weariness. Somehow, it made Castiel feel defensive.
"I'm following my orders", he said, little louder than what would had been necessary. "That's what we're supposed to do. Anna wouldn't be in trouble at all, if she only had followed the rules! I'm not the one in blame."
"I never said you are", Aziraphale said with expressionless voice. "I only asked how you feel."
"I feel nothing!" Castel denied. Then he met Aziraphale's eyes, but couldn't hold his gaze. It was too overwhelming, like the other had seen all, every questioning thought and strange feeling he'd had duiring his short stay on earth.
"How do you feel about it, Castiel?" Aziraphale asked again, with a voice that accepted no excuses or half-truths. This time, Castiel knew he was defeated.
"I… I feel lost", he admitted. "Ever since I came to earth, I've… tried to understand humans. To understand how they feel, and why. I can see no harm doing that." He couldn't look at Aziraphale, so he let his gaze wander to people who were walking around them. "She didn't want to just understand. She wanted to feel, to live with them… be one of them. I…" It was hard to speak, his voice was trembling, "She's going to be punished… for what? Wanting to be a human? For wanting to have feelings like they do? …Or just for disobeying?"
Aziraphale's hands sneaked around him, pulling him into a hug. "Oh, Castiel", he mumbled, clearly having troubles to find out anything to say.
"I've never doubted; I can't, I'm angel, I'm not meant to disobey. But then… Why do I feel like this? Like… I've doing something wrong…" he felt himself starting to tremble. "But if I'm wrong… aren't my orders, too? And if they are, wouldn't that mean… that Heaven is wrong?" Was it really him, having these blaspheming thoughts…? "And that can't be, and so… Doesn't that mean that its God's will for Anna to… perish?"
Aziraphale hushed him gently. "Oh, dear… I'm sure He understands your hesitations; there's no limit on His acceptance." He was quiet for a moment, weighting his words. "You said you've never actually seen Him… So your orders come from your superiors, right? So, they may not always be strictly… accurate, right? Not that they would lie to you", Aziraphale added hastily, "but, sometimes… There may be confusions. I mean, my friend", he continued, "he works in operation little similar as we do, and sometimes his orders gets little mixed-up before they arrive to his desk, you know?"
"I'm… not quite sure if I do…" Castiel said weakly.
"Oh, um… Our Father… He can sometimes be incomprehensible. Ineffable, if you please. And… it may be hard for those even closes to Him to understand, what He's really expecting to happen. Sometimes", he added, with very low voice, "that He wants to see what we'll do if He let us made decisions."
Castiel felt his eyes widen. "That's rather… unorthodox thing to say", he said.
"Is it?" Aziraphale asked, nonchalantly.
"We are but executives of His will…"
"But what is His will? How can you be sure that what your superiors tell you is all true? We can lie, you know…"
"If I can't trust in my superiors' word, then whose should I? To yours?"
Aziraphale shook his head. "Trust yourself, Castiel. See what is right and whats wrong with your own too eyes, and act according to it."
"Eyes can be blinded", Castiel pointed out.
"But heart doesn't!" Aziraphale declared.
"That's human phrase, brother… Maybe you've lived little too long with them", Castiel murmured, as he slowly pulled back from Aziraphale's embrace.
The other angel smiled sadly. "Maybe… or maybe you've done it too little, Castiel." He sighed. "I don't know how to advice you further than this, dear… I'm afraid that if I continue I may anger you." Aziraphale took Castiel's hands in his owns and looked him deeply into the eyes. "I think that you have some serious decisions to make in near future, and those you have to do on your own. I've been in exactly the same situation as you're now, and I know you can make it through… just… Don't forget what truly is important to you." He smiled once more. "I'll see you again, Castiel… whether in good or bad situation."
After these ambiguous words, Aziraphale vanished; and once again, Castiel was unable to track him down.
