"I've been thinking about trying to find our Father", Castiel confessed to Aziraphale, as they sat in his cozy kitchen.
Aziraphale slowly put his half-empty teacup aside; Castiel himself hadn't taken a sip from his. Tea wasn't a drink he enjoyed about, though he admitted that it's scent had some relaxing qualities.
"Why so?" his brother asked.
Castiel frowned and looked down into his folded hands. "He's not been in Heaven for a some time. I… I hope that He could help us to become a family again." It was true, but not the whole truth: he also hoped that God could offer them some help to lock Lucifer up again, but due the promise he had gave to Fergus (as liked to call the demon, mostly because it annoyed him), he simply could not tell that to Aziraphale.
"Ah, I see… Well, I myself have no idea where he could be. Last time we talked, he had just casted Adam and Eve out of Eden. He asked me, where my flaming sword was… Now, I had just given it to Adam – it was cold and raining and Eve was waiting a baby, they needed some protection! – but of course I couldn't admit that I had just handled it away, so I told Him that I must had left it somewhere… Well, I think He probably already knew what had happened, but I can't be sure, since, like I said, we never talked face-to-face after that; as you know, that was right before I was ordered to stay here…"
"You think He knew?" Castiel confirmed. "Then do you presume that your new order was some kind of punishment from your disobedience?"
Aziraphale shook his head and smiled sweetly. "Oh, I think that He more likely understood that where my loyalties laid and decided to let me stay there with humans that I'd risked His wrath for."
Castiel fidgeted nervously. "Your trust from His kindness is great", he said. "I'm afraid I can't completely share your faith for His good will…"
"And yet you look for him."
"Maybe I'm just desperate enough to try anything that could help… Besides, if it indeed was Him who resurrected me – since I know that Rafael indeed did kill me – maybe He'll be inclined to at least hear my plea."
Aziraphale shuddered. "I still can't believe that Rafael could act so… brutishly! I know that you and those Winchesters should not have been bothering that prophet, but surely everything could had been solved if you all had just sat down and talked about it!"
Bothering the prophet… That was the excuse that Castiel had given to Aziraphale about his current situation. It was just enough true to lessen his guilt for being forced to lie to him; and, as Fergus had said, "the best lies are those which have some truth in them".
"Well, as you see, that's why we need Father", Castiel pointed out.
Aziraphale hummed softly and took another sip of tea.
Castiel worried his lip between his teeth before asking, "…What is He like? Like, as a person?" As his brother started to open his mouth, he hurried to add, "And please, don't say He's "ineffable"…"
Aziraphale laughed a little. "Well, He's that, too!" Then he probably took a pity of his brother, since he continued, "He was strong and kind. Whenever He was near, it felt like nothing bad could happen, like everything could be sorted out… But thinking back to it, I think it was more what we expected Him to be than what He truly was."
"I don't understand…"
"We are His children, Castiel; and like all children, we want to be able to look up to our parents. We see them simply in their parental role, and so their real personality keeps hidden from us. Parents won't tell their children if they're scared of something or unsure how things should go; nor do they let their frustration and anger to show in their actions – at least, I think that's what good parents do." He shook his head a little to clear his mind. "That's why I'm not able to tell you what kind of person He is; to me, He's my parent, and I can't see Him past that."
Castiel frowned. "I have always tough Him more as God than as actual parent; Father has always been more like a honorific."
Aziraphale reached out to gently pat his arm. "It's completely understandable; you've never even met Him in face to face, so how could you feel the same kind of connection as those of us who got to actually live with Him?"
Castiel's frown deepened a little while he thought about that. Slowly he lifted his eyes to look at his brother. "… So what do you think? Is my mission just a fool's quest?"
Aziraphale smiled wryly. "Why do I get the idea that it was Fergus who taught you that expression?" he teased lightly. "Did you consult him about this before coming to me?"
Castiel fidgeted a little. "I…"
Aziraphale sighed. "You two seem to be always planning something… Please just don't let him to talk you into something dangerous; he's a good boy, as far as demons go, but he can be little… harsh, and he doesn't always consider what consequences his actions may hold to those who get messed up into his schemes."
"I'll be careful, Aziraphale. But…"
"As for your question, I don't believe there's such of things as useless missions; even if you don't find Him or He's denies your request and refuses to come back to Heaven, I'm sure that something can still be gained from that. It's not futile."
Castiel wasn't so sure about that, but decided to not say more about it; Aziraphale was something that Fergus referred as an optimists, which basically meant a person who always believed the beast about everyone and everything. Well, Fergus had said that it meant "a person who lives in complete delusion", but Castiel was already adjusted with his constant snark and had checked it later from dictionary.
"It's… nice too see that you, at least, share my point-of-view", Castiel said, and wasn't that true; everyone else seemed to think that he had gone crazy.
Aziraphale smiled fondly at him. "Always, dear! …Now, how about some more tea?"
Castiel looked down at his still full cup and shook his head. "No, thank you; it's not necessary."
Aziraphale pouted a little. "But your tea must be all cool now! You can't drink it like that; just let me to boil some more water…"
"It's totally not necessary…", Castiel tried again, and was, thankfully, saved by Fergus' father, who suddenly stepped in.
"Hello, angel… Oh, and baby-angel is there, too!" he greeted, gaining heart-warming "welcome, dear!" from Aziraphale and a nod from Castiel; though he no longer feared the fallen as much as before, he still felt little nervous around him.
Aziraphale had tried to explain their situation to him, and in some way, he could understand; wasn't that the same reason why he had became so accustomed with Fergus in such a short time? Aziraphale had also told him, that Crowley – as the fallen wanted to be called – hadn't even fallen at the same time with Lucifer or the other dukes of Hell, and even then, he had more like "sauntered vaguely downwards".
Castiel had been shocked to hear that it was, in fact, Crowley, and not Lucifer, who had been the snake of Eden. But as Aziraphale had wisely said, "Our Father sees all; if He hadn't wanted Crowley in the Garden, He wouldn't had let him to get in." He also reminded, that it had been Eve's own decision to taste the apple, Crowley had only encouraged her a little. "Of course, I was little bitter for him about that, for a long time; but the thing is, Crowley told me from the very beginning that he doesn't know if it was actually bad or good deed that he committed that day – and I think that I understand what he means with that. Humans without knowledge of what is good and what is evil… would they even be humans? Or only little children for us to look after, instinctive as an animals, never understanding the consequences of their doings?"
That had reminded Castiel about something that he, too, had wondered earlier, so he had shut his mouth and let it be. He trusted Aziraphale: There was no way he could do anything evil, or associate himself with someone without any redeeming qualities. Even so, he still remained wary of Crowley, though never showing any hostility towards him.
"Would you like some tea, dear?" Aziraphale asked from Crowley.
"Depends on… Would you like to go on and check this now sushi-bar with me? It's not Ritz, but some variety would bring some spice in you life. Baby-angel here is of course welcome, too", he added quickly, as Aziraphale looked unsurely towards Castiel.
"Sushi… Isn't that raw fish?" Aziraphale asked.
Crowley smirked. "Being picky, aren't you? But yeah, it is; and it tastes good, I promise you! I used to ate it a lot at one point of time, when I spent short period at Japan, you remember that, don't you? …Well, I've tried it few times after that – especially since it started to get popular in Europe – but it never tastes quite right; but I've heard lots of good said about this place, so what you say?" Crowley looked pleadingly at Aziraphale.
"Well…"
"And their sake has been recommend a lot… I bought you few bottles of rice-wine back then, right? I got the idea that you liked it…"
After that, it was clear that Aziraphale had made his decision. "Well, if it's important to you, it would hardly be fair for me to dig my heels in, right? Castiel, would you like to join us?"
Smiling a little, Castiel shook his head. "No, thank you; I was going to leave soon, anyway."
"Are you sure, dear?" Aziraphale asked.
"Yes, it's fine; eating… isn't really my thing, anyway", Castiel assured.
"You've got awfully lot to learn, then, kid!" Crowley said with friendly voice. "Maybe next time, then? We could try something more basic… say, Italian food?"
"Oh, that would be wonderful! You'll come, won't you, Castiel?" Aziraphale gushed happily.
"Ah… Yes, that's fine", Castiel said, though little unsure how he could handle situation like that.
"Well, see you soon, then!" Aziraphale said. "You know my door is always open for you."
"Yeah, bye then, baby-angel!" Crowley added, earning gentle smack from Aziraphale.
"I'll see you soon", Castiel promised – mostly to Aziraphale - , and flew away. He had important things to do.
He had God to find.
