Crackfic - The Weird, Weird Missions
Warnings: Minor character bashing, emo characters, some minor swearing, some Sharingan spoilers (No problem if you know what Tsukuyomi is or have played Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 2 aka Naruto: Narutimate Heroes 2), very mild hinted cracky ItaHina, the "real" (made-by-me) reason why Itachi went all "MASSACRE TIME!!" on his clan, and lots and lots of sexual innuendo based on buns.
Chapter 1: Cinnamon buns
"He took your what?!" Naruto gasped. Hinata blushed heavily.
"H-he.. took my ci-cinnamon b-buns... before I-I got to eat them.."
Naruto cocked his head slightly. "Ohh.. You mean Choji took your cinnamon buns? As in, edible, cinnamon buns? Not your.. you know.."
"No!! Na-Naruto-kun, wh-what made you b-believe that?!" Hinata said panicking slightly, while now turning into a furious shade of red.
"Nothing, just the way you phrased it.." Naruto said, before cracking a huge smile. "So, the mission is just to get them back from Choji before he eats them?"
Hinata nodded quickly, and looked away.
"That's no sweat! I'll have them back before his stomach can even rumble!" Naruto grinned, and 'before Choji's stomach can even crumble', that is really, really quick.
And then, Naruto set off for his new D-ranked mission.
--
After looking a bit, Naruto heard some voices.
"Look! I got more food!"
"Where did you get those? Hinata bought the last ones today!"
"Uh.. I found them?"
"You stole them from Hinata, didn't you, Choji?!"
Finally Naruto recognised Ino's and Choji's voices. He ran over to them, and yelled to Choji: "Oy! Get your hands off Hinata's buns!"
Ino turned her head slowly towards Naruto. "..The hell did you just say?"
"I told Choji to give back Hinata's cinnamon buns!" He exclaimed to Ino.
"Oh.. That makes more sense. I thought for a second, that, you know.."
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I thought it was weird at first too. Now hand those over!" he said, turning to Choji.
Choji suddenly got a very defensive and angry look in his eyes. "NO!! Those are MY buns! I have them now! You can't take my buns away from me without a fight!"
Ino gave Choji a very strange look, before looking at Naruto. "Looks like you'll have to beat him up a little for those buns."
Then, all three jumped back, as a shady creature appeared in the middle of them, with a classical Gai pose. Everyone was expecting a "DYNAMIC ENTRY!!" any minute, before..
"I will take on the fight for Hinata's buns!!" Itachi exclaimed with excitement, and sparkles of youth flew around him.
Then, Sasuke appeared randomly from behind a tree. "ITACHI-NII-SAN?! I'LL KILL YOU!!"
"Isn't it usually Hinata who stalks me?" Naruto asked, looking at Sasuke with a questioning look.
Sasuke flipped his hair emo style. "Yeah, but Hinata was sitting and mumbling about buns in my emo corner, so I though I'd take her place since she took mine."
"Makes sense," Itachi said calmly. "I'll consider talking to you later, Sasuke, but now, I have business with the thief of Hinata's buns. I will prove to you all that even Uchiha Itachi can be nice if he feels like it!"
"So you feel like being nice today?" everyone asked, shocked.
Saskue waved a hand in front of Itachi. "You're not Itachi. You CAN'T be. Itachi kills clans and best friends and abandons little brothers and hangs out with living sushi. He doesn't do Gai poses and steals buns for Hinata and feels like being nice. Did that Sasori guy make an Itachi puppet? Or is it Kankuro? Or maybe it's a Henge!! It must be!"
Itachi poked Sasuke. "No, Itachi is a good boy. Even better than Tobi. I was in a bad mood already and mum grounded me for not washing my hands that day, and I got pissed off, so I had to take it out on someone.. My screaming pillow was already blown to bits by some exploding clay, so I couldn't use that to vent in anymore.. You just happened to get back exactly when I felt like I was done getting my frustrations out," Itachi said calmly as ever to a staring Sasuke. "I found out who put the clay there later, though. A certain blonde.. uh.. well, he says he's a dude, had apparently been bored."
Choji stared at him. "You're still not getting my buns!"
Itachi sighed, and closed his eyes. "Tsukuyomi!" he suddenly said, opening one eye.
--Inside Choji's mind..--
Itachi had an expressionless face as always. Choji was stuck to a tree plate.
"Now I'll whip you for seventy-two hours. You won't get any food while you're in my Tsukuyomi. Welcome.. to the hell of a foodtard."
"NOOOOO!!" Choji screamed, as Itachi whipped his face. His beloved bag of chips was whipped away too.
Then, after seventy-two hours of being whipped, he fell down an endless pit of pain, and Itachi's face was always whirring in front of him, eating his favourite snacks.
"Mmmm.. I really see why you eat this so much. It tastes like the best chips ever made. Do you want some, Choji? You won't get any. Look, it's right here, and you're not getting it. Oh, it's soooo yummy."
--End Choji's mind--
Everyone stared as Choji was reduced to a pulp of tears, crumbled on the ground, screaming. "NOOOO!! GIMME MY FOOODZ!!"
Itachi smiled evilly. "You'll get your food if you hand me the cinnamon buns."
"Anything! Just gimme my chippies!"
Itachi released the Tsukiyomi. "I'm waiting."
Choji stood up after regaining conciousness, shakily handed him the cinnamon buns, and ran off.
He turned to face the others, who tried hiding behind the nearest trees. "See? It's not that hard to deal with people without having to hit them once," he said, smiling gently.
Hinata popped out from nowhere in a puff of smoke. "Oh! My- my buns! You g-got them back!" she squealed happily, not bothering to look at the one holding them. She smiled like she was in heaven, and ate one of them.
"Mmmm.. Thanks a b-bunch!"
Then, Itachi and Hinata disappeared in new puffs of smoke, leaving a bewildered Naruto, Ino and Sasuke behind.
"..The fuck just happened here?" Ino and Sasuke said simultanously.
"I dunno, but it seems my mission is completed," Naruto smiled. "I can't wait to give Tsunade-baa-sama this mission report."
A/N: This crackfic and this chapter was inspired by me playing Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 2 (also known as Naruto: Narutimate Heroes 2), taking the D-mission of getting Hinata's cinnamon rolls back (I know I used cinnamon buns in this, but that's 'cause it becomes much more crack, as you can see.) and using Itachi to beat Choji. When I finished it, I was like "..So Naruto took Hinata's mission to get her cinnamon rolls back from Choji, and then Itachi randomly appeared with no reason, and beat Choji to get the cinnamon rolls back for Hinata? What is this, some weird crackfic?" And since it apparently wasn't yet, I made it into one. :3 Enjoy. More missions will come as I play. Note that most of the crack I write is either written on a sugar high or late at night when my fangirl mind goes WHEEE, or both at once (BEWARE). Will update soon if I get time. Meanwhile, I will definitely write more weird Naruto fics, crack or not. Requests for other fics? Review. Give someone here a mission (anyone and anything, it can be anyone/anything at all.. As long as they are in Naruto. Tobi getting Pein some shark sushi, Tsunade trying to remove Kakashi's mask for medical tests, Konohamaru getting back a chocolate banana stolen by Kabuto, ANYTHING)? Review. Just going to give me some nice feedback? Review. Going to flame me? It's easier to just click that big red X in the right corner. Don't waste your time needlessly.
