I'd Do Anything
(Chapter Eight: A Change Of Heart)
Olivia climbed from the shower and quickly got dressed pulling on a pair of blue jeans, a red tank top and a pair of flip flops. She grabbed all of her things and she jammed them all, including the black dress into the duffel bag. She took one last look around the room. It was nearly seven o'clock now and the morning ferry left at eight, if she hurried she could catch it.
She stepped out onto damp concrete of the balcony that overlooked the parking lot in front of her room and walked quickly toward Elliot's room. She barely tapped once on the door before he pulled it open with a smile. Olivia shifted her eyes down trying not to look him in the eye.
"I'm going to go ahead and head back. I have a lot of things I need to get done before I go back to work tomorrow."
"Just like that, you're gonna take off?"
"Elliot…." she picked at the door frame with her fingernail as she shook her head, still refusing to look at him.
"Olivia, don't do this."
He watched her as she started to cry.
She moved her hand up the side of her cheek to her temple and took a deep breath.
"What about breakfast with the guys. We were all supposed to meet up and .…" Elliot sighed, it was no use. She had already made up her mind.
"I need to go, Elliot. I need to go now. If you are riding with me, I can wait a few minutes. But the ferry leaves at eight and I need to be on it."
"Liv, look at me." She couldn't. "Come in here and sit down and talk to me."
"I can't. I need some time to think," she sobbed. "Not now. I just want to go home." She looked up at him only for a second and he could see the fear in her eyes.
Elliot took a staggered breath. He turned around and picked up her car keys from the desk and dropped them into her hand. "You need some time to think," he repeated softly almost in tears himself. "I'll catch a ride back with the guys."
She nodded silently as she lowered her sunglasses from the top of her head over her eyes. Elliot watched as she stood there trying to think of something to say and tears fell from under her dark glasses.
"I'll see you back in New York," he said trying to keep his voice from cracking.
"Yeah," she whispered. She stood there for another second, then turned and walked down the stairs. Elliot watched from the door of his hotel room as she got into her car and drove away. He took a deep breath as he sat down on the edge of the bed and cried.
Elliot returned to his apartment around six o'clock that evening. He was exhausted both physically and emotionally. Thoughts of a hot shower and scotch on the rocks crossed his mind as he closed the apartment door behind him and dragged his bag up the stairs. All that changed when he found her standing at his kitchen counter.
"Liv?" He stared at her, hoping that she had come to her senses and realized there was nothing to be afraid of.
"I was just leaving you a note," she said dropping a pen and paper. Then brushing past him trying to make it to the staircase before he could stop her.
"This is blank," Elliot said picking up the tear stained sheet of paper. That page told him so much more than she could have possible written in a note.
Olivia looked up at him for a second. "I changed my mind." She turned back around and continued down the stairs.
Elliot dropped his bag in the floor and went after her. This time he had to stop her and make her hear him. He couldn't let her get away like he did the last time. He needed her. And he needed her to know it.
"Olivia, please stay. Just for a minute. Talk to me." Elliot placed his hand against the back of her shoulder feeling her warm tan skin under his fingertips.
She stopped, but didn't turn around. She had started crying again the moment he touched her and now she couldn't even look him in the eye.
Olivia slowly sat down on a step in the middle of the stair case not saying a word. She brushed her hands over her face to wipe away her tears. Things between them were just quiet for a few moments as Elliot sat down beside her facing her as she stared down at her shoes.
Elliot looked down at them too, trying to think of the best thing to say to her. His only thought was to stop her, he hadn't really thought far enough ahead to know what to say when he did. He looked at the soft pink polish on her toe nails then moved his eyes slowly up her legs to her face. She sat with her knees pulled close to her chest and her arm was propped against her thigh. Her hand rested against her cheek and Elliot watched her as she twisted her manicured fingers nervously in her hair.
"I don't even know what to say," he whispered. "Did I hurt you?"
Olivia shifted uncomfortably. "No," She said softly.
Elliot leaned back against the carpeted stairs as he moved his arm behind her and slid his hand gently into hers locking their fingers together. He listened as she sniffled and began drawing in short shallow breaths.
"This was not supposed to happen," she said softly. "We are not supposed to be like this." She turned her tear filled eyes to look into his.
Elliot slid his arm into the small of her back and cupped his hand against the side of her face. "Olivia, I can't lose you."
He watched her eyes as he squeezed her hand tight in his and raised it to his lips kissing it softly. "Tell me what is bothering you. We can work through this."
She sat quietly and didn't answer him. "Look, I'll understand if you want to walk out that door and go back to the way things were two days ago. Before we kissed and touched and…. But I need you to know that I don't want to. What happened last night was incredible. And you may regret it now, but we both knew exactly what we were doing. Liv, you are my best friend and my partner. You mean more to me than anyone. I have had these feelings for you for years and unless I am badly mistaken you have felt it too. I could see it in your eyes. And last night, when we were making love I saw it in your eyes. You wanted it to happen as bad as I did. Olivia, how could something that felt so right be wrong?"
A worried look crossed her face and she looked away from him again. "It was wrong, Elliot. We could lose everything. And it can never happen again." She looked back at him and her eyes stared into his.
"Tell me that we are going to be okay," Elliot looked at her as he opened his palm against hers. "I can't go through life with out my best friend."
"I have never been so scared of losing anything in my whole life," she whispered as she looked over her shoulder at him and squeezed her hand.
"Yeah?" Elliot said wiping away one of his own tears.
"Yeah." She smiled just a little. It was weary and shy, but it was a smile.
Elliot brushed her hair back from her eyes and pressed his forehead against hers to stare into her eyes.
"So you're not gonna dump me for a new partner?" He asked trying to ease the tension between them.
"Na, I've kinda gotten used to having you around. Besides, you have already worked with just about everyone else in the department and nobody else will put up with you." She smiled at him and they both laughed.
"Good. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go out and search for a new best friend either."
"Elliot, I can't stop being your friend."
"Oh, why is that?"
"You have way too much dirt on me!"
"That's right, I do!"
They both laughed again and he hugged her.
As he did, Olivia closed her eyes and breathed in his scent remembering the way he made her feel when he held her. There was too much at stake to ditch logic and follow her heart. As much as she knew she could be happy with him, she would never forgive herself if it didn't work out and she ended up losing him. Life was not a fairy tale. And here in the real world there was not always a happy ending.
After a couple of days of awkwardness between them, things had pretty much retuned to normal. Olivia had been giving herself the shots and they had agreed to keep their appointment with the clinic for their fourth cycle of in vitro.
Three weeks later Olivia had stopped by work on her day off to pick a few things up. Elliot watched her buzz around the room searching for a file she needed to take home and finish a report on.
She was wearing a dress. Nothing fancy. More simple like the sundress she wore to their brunch with Brian the day before his wedding. The straps were thin like a tank top and she wore a thin white sweater with it. She looked so soft with her hair down and wavy.
He poured himself a cup of coffee as she tossed the file on her desk and went to get something out of her locker. Elliot followed her back to talk to her about the case when he realized she had gone in to give herself her daily hormone shot.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was why you were coming back here."
She laughed. "It's okay. You have done this about a hundred times. I still can't get used to it."
"Here," he said reaching for the needle.
She looked at him and handed him the needle.
She stared ahead and leaned back against the wall as Elliot moved her skirt up her hip to give her the shot. Her skin was smooth and soft and it wasn't long before Elliot realized felt his body reacting to the sight of her long, tan leg stretched in front of him. She wore bikini underwear and the thin strap ran across her hip bone. For a moment his mind flashed back to that night. The way she looked, the way she smelled and the way she felt. He took a deep breath and gave her the shot. He had to get out of here before she realized how excited he was by all of this.
Olivia wrinkled her nose and rubbed her hip. Elliot placed his hand over hers and stared into her eyes. He leaned in close to her for a second as his nose brushed lightly against hers. Neither of them could even blink as they both breathed heavily.
Olivia trembled just a little and pressed her lips together. He leaned in and placed his bottom lip against hers anticipating another sexy kiss like they had shared that night. Another second and his tongue pushed its way past her full lips and was touching hers. Olivia moaned softly as she placed her hands on the sides of his face and kissed him back. Before her knew it Elliot has slid both hands under the floral skirt and had them cupped against her perfect ass and pulled her hips hard against his as they continued kissing. Now she knew exactly what he had in mind.
Elliot reached up to her shoulders pushing the soft sweater to the floor with one hand as his other grabbed her by the waist and spun them in a semi circle and slammed them into the lockers. Olivia gasped for air and moaned into his shirt as she struggled with the button on his slacks.
He had lit a fire inside her and her hormones were now in overdrive. Elliot grasped the thin strap on over each of her hips pulling down her underwear as the stepped out of them. Somehow when he had moved them she had kicked off her slip on sandals and now stood barefoot with her pretty painted toes and her sexy underwear in the floor between her ankles.
Elliot placed one hand on her cheek and kissed her passionately. Olivia moved her hands over his chest to unbutton his shirt and slid her hands under his undershirt. Elliot raised her leg and moved his hand smoothly to grasp her thigh as he guided himself inside her.
Olivia stood on her tip toes on one foot as she gasped and moaned and held tight to his waist. This time was so different from the last, they were fast and a little rough as they slammed up against the lockers for leverage. After banging her head hard against the lockers a few times Olivia laughed and raised her arm to soften the blow.
A little while later Elliot moved his hands under her skirt again and raised her up. Olivia put her legs around his waist as he backed up and sat down on the bench behind them. She adjusted herself on his lap and they kept going.
With both hands now under her skirt Elliot guided her hips moving her body hard against his. He kissed across her neck and moved his hand up her back under the dress. Olivia moaned sometimes so loudly he was sure someone would hear them and bust the door down. He pressed his mouth against hers and she moaned through his kisses.
A few more thrusts pushed her into a strong orgasm and he pulled her body against his chest as she pressed her forehead to his chest and moaned against him. Within seconds Elliot himself reach his finish as well.
She moved slowly over him, kissing him with strong deep kisses almost cooing into his mouth. Olivia exhaled and kissed his neck as she rested her head against his shoulder.
"That was amazing," she whispered with a soft laugh.
"Yeah it was."
They stared into each others eyes and just breathed for a minute, him still inside of her. Trying to recover from the workout they had just had.
"You're not going to freak out about this are you?" He asked only half joking with his arms tight around her.
"I'm okay. Well, I am very good." She smiled and rolled her eyes.
"I would hope that was better than okay. I had to cover your mouth to keep you from screaming."
She laughed again.
Elliot kissed her lips as she shifted onto her knees on the bench. Olivia closed her eyes as she raised up and off of him. She groaned quietly, the loss of him almost hurt. Elliot exhaled deeply as he zipped his pants.
"You okay?" She asked kissing his lips.
"Yeah, just a little wore out." Olivia smiled and Elliot placed his hand behind her head and kissed her again. "We are so good together, Liv."
"Did you…" she started to ask with a shy look.
"Yeah," he said softly. "Did you?"
"Oh yeah. A couple of times."
They both laughed and he kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms. Elliot locked his fingers tight in hers as realization set in.
"I know you don't want to be like this."
Olivia sat up beside him and looked at him.
"It isn't that I don't want to, Elliot. I am incredibly attracted to you. And it doesn't help that this keeps happening."
"I'm crazy about you Olivia. I always have been."
She smiled a soft smile. She stood up to adjust her dress and put her underwear back on. Then looked at him.
"I am just not ready to date anyone right now. I mean with work and the mess I have made of my life…. I swore off men, Elliot! After my last dating disaster I decided not to date! I just wanted to live my life for me for a while. And focus on my career and bettering my life. Then we decided to try to have a baby. And I wanted that more than anything. I didn't want to get mixed up with some guy and have to try to explain all of this or worry about his feelings about my pregnancy. And I honestly never would have saw this coming. Now I sit here with you and we just had really incredible sex for the second time and…."
"And what?"
"And I can't help but wonder how much of this is just hormones Elliot. From the fact that we have been holding this attraction back for the last eleven years. I mean the sex is great, El. But I would rather have you as my best friend forever than keep you as my boyfriend for a little while and then lose you."
"Whose to say you would lose me?"
"Elliot I suck at relationships! I have never dated anyone for longer than two years! And that was my college boyfriend who was cheating on me the entire time!"
"I would never cheat on you!"
"I know that."
"You have already said that I am the longest relationship you have ever had with a man. That is a good sign."
"As friends Elliot. Sex and relationships complicate things."
"So, what then? This is it. Two amazing sexual encounters and we're over?"
"I just really want to take things one step at a time. Right now I am trying to focus on this baby thing. It just isn't a good time for a new relationship."
"Okay. We focus on getting pregnant first. And you are not dating. Just promise me that when you decide to start dating again, you will at least give me a chance."
Olivia cocked her head to look at him and smiled.
"We can make a deal from the beginning, at the first sign of our friendship suffering we end it. Friends first," he said hoping to convince her.
"Okay."
Elliot stood up as they walked toward the door. He leaned against it and looked at her. "I am going to miss the amazing sex though."
She smiled, "yeah me too."
They walked back toward the squad room and sat down at their desks. Olivia flipped through another file gathering her things to leave. Elliot looked at her for a second before she noticed him staring and smiled back at him. He took a scrap of paper and scribbled a message on it and passed it across the desk to her.
Olivia took the note and smiled at him. This felt a little like junior high, she thought for a moment. She unfolded the paper to read his question inside.
"Why don't we do this the old fashioned way?" The words leaped from the paper to and captured her attention. She folded up the note and tossed it in the trash can beside her desk. Elliot watched as she considered his proposition. She picked up the phone and dialed a number.
Olivia's eyes met his across the desk.
"Yes, this is Olivia Benson…. I need to cancel my appointment. Yes. Thank you."
She hung up the phone and stared at Elliot across the desk as he smiled back at her.
