-1A/n: OK, so after writer's block and then being picky and editing like every other day, I decided to just screw it and post. The next two chapters will be put up this week. Please review, and feel free to leave constructive criticism. And thanks so much to everyone who's already reviewed, story favorited, and author favorited, I would have totally stopped writing this story without your support! Also, the reviews have been really helpful with the comments of what the readers wanted to see. It helped me work out a lot of plot details. Enjoy!
A week and a funeral service later found the crew of the Enterprise either falling apart or running more efficiently than it ever had before, depending on who you were asking.
If you asked Bones-and of course, nobody was-he'd tell you that it was falling apart into super efficiency. The whole damn crew was far too messed up emotionally to actually be able to functionally perform anything other than their damn duties. That was the thing about Starfleet, Bones mused, it's training was so good that you just went on auto pilot no matter what the situation. An entire crew of people dying on the inside, but focusing so much of their energy to their work, that it really didn't matter. Bones took a moment to ponder who had come up with the Emotional Compromise clause, as it seemed to him people seemed to work harder, faster, and better when under emotional duress. He supposed it was mostly for command staff in extreme circumstances. ...Like your planet blowing up and your mother dying. Unfortunately, he couldn't emotionally compromise the whole crew, as much as he wanted to.
Bones himself, however, was different. Oh sure, he went to the Starfleet Academy with all the rest of them, and technically he was Starfleet trained, but at heart, he was still just a country doctor. And as a doctor, while you couldn't let what you felt interfere with your work, your work certainly wasn't a place to re-focus your energy. That almost always made it worse. It was hard to stop focusing on young, dead crew members by re focusing on young, sick ones. So, Bones re focused his energy to pretending his water was brandy while on duty, and pretending he was drinking far more than a shot of brandy when off. And of course, his attentions were highly re focused on a certain Captain and his First Officer.
A sick part of Bones was glad that the two were so messed up. It was what had been keeping him coping thus far.
He was almost thankful for the random late night appearances by various crew members who came in because they felt a little "nauseas" or "tired", "fatigued as of late", etc... all just excuses to come in and talk to him.
Bones found this slightly strange, but he figured that when the entire bridge crew was affected, and no one wanted to be the first to admit that they were upset, because damn it, they'd been trained to deal with this, they'd come to him, the place they'd been trained to go.
Bones felt that he should be slightly worried at the revenge that was in absolutely Everyone's voice. But he wasn't. Because he felt the same way. He wanted revenge on that damn medical officer that had come aboard HIS ship with HIS friends. He wanted to take that guy by the hair, and shove the damn Hippocratic oath down his throat. Fucking greedy doctor. Bones had meet people like that in med school. They usually ended up in research, never actually practicing medicine on actual people. But somehow, this guy decided doctoring was for him. And decided that having the glory of the healing powers of that damned flower on that damned planet was more important than the lives of the people it could actually save.
The worst part was that he hadn't even bothered to help Chekov, to even check on him after he'd beamed aboard and shot the kid who was just trying to stop him on Spock's orders.
And he dared call himself a doctor. Chekov could've been saved. Would've been saved if he'd been on board or the blasted doctor had actually bothered to do his fucking job.
So, yeah, Bones wanted revenge. Wanted to lecture the guy into a black hole, to make him feel every inch of guilt for his actions plus every inch of pain this ship was feeling, until he finally developed a conscious.
And then, Bones wanted to kill him, assuring him that he would never attain absolution, and that he was going to suffer for a very long, painful eternity in hell.
But revenge was not going to be had by anyone but Lt. Wilkins, the security officer who managed to catch up with the bastard after he'd shot Chekov and made his way to the bridge.
And boy, that wasn't making Wilkins feel any better. He'd been in here to see McCoy about every day with some new, made up complaint to talk about how guilty he felt that he just hadn't gotten there on time, how he felt he took away the one way anyone had of coping. But when he'd seen Chekov's body, he'd just gotten so angry, all he could think about was killing the guy.
There had barely even been a body of the medical officer for Bones to exam, the phaser setting had been so high.
And Wilkins even felt guilty for that, too. He'd flat out killed a man when it wasn't necessary.
That wasn't in Jim's report, or anyone else's, Bones had noticed. It had been changed that Wilkins was under immediate threat by the "Doctor", and was forced to use all force available to him.
Because, honestly, good riddance, the man had deserved that shot, and so much more. Bones had told Wilkins to not waste a second of his time feeling sorry that the lousy excuse for a human was dead.
But it still didn't temper the fact that every single bridge crew member wanted revenge for Chekov personally, and had no way of getting it.
Bones was a little worried, because the man had been federation, and some people where whispering about possible conspiracy theories from the inside, and some idiot might decide revenge was needed there and ruin their career. And Bones was determined not to let that one happen.
Especially to a one Hikaru Sulu.
He was the one who was looking for anyone else to blame. He had been Chekov's closest friend, and from what Bones could tell, the feeling had been mutual.
To add salt to the wound of Chekov's death, is that Bones hadn't even managed to get back on the ship in time to clear Chekov's body from the hall. So, many people had seen it. And one of those people was Sulu. He'd been the one to close the kid's eyes, after futilely checking for a pulse, since the whole bridge crew had practically heard him die over the com. And that's when Chekov had muttered those damned last words of his, over that com, as he lay dying.
Bones sighed, it would have been more almost been more merciful if the phaser had been set to kill. But it'd been set to stun, and well, you know what the say, healers can make the best killers. He'd managed to hit Chekov in just the right spot that the kid had bled to death in a matter of minutes. But, it left behind a more gruesome looking body for all to see, pooled in blood- kill shot would have made it appear as though Chekov were merely sleeping-and it allowed Chekov those last damned words that were driving everyone crazy. Kid was optimistic and enthusiastic and caring and affectionate to the very end. And that really wasn't the comfort it should be.
He wished it was, because man, Sulu wanted revenge. More than anyone else. Bones had never imagined the normally good natured pilot could be so angry. He was still nice enough on the bridge, it appeared, but when he wasn't on duty, he was in the rec room fencing.
And that's how Sulu got to talk to Bones. Or rather, how Bones got to talk to Sulu. He worked himself so hard, that he'd been in Sickbay either every day or every other day with some form of injury.
Usually, it was exhaustion, because he'd fainted during his work out, and some crew member would find him passed out on the floor and bring him in to sickbay.
At first, when he came to, Bones just gave him a lecture about not working himself to death. And Sulu usually answered with a heart-breaking mumbled, "Why not?" before giving the most forced smile Bones had ever seen (and that was saying a lot, Jim Kirk was his best friend) before assuring Bones that he'd be "more careful."
But the fourth day it happened, Bones finally decided to bring up Chekov to Sulu.
Sulu had ignored him at first, just asking when he was clear to return to duty.
But on the sixth day, he'd actually talked back. And what he had to say was terrifying. And not so much because of what he had to say, but how much Bones found himself agreeing. And it was scary when he found himself agreeing so much with Sulu that it almost made him understand Nero. Almost.
Bones never had thought he'd see the day when that was possible, and he'd never wanted to.
But Chekov had just been one of those people who made everyone's life a little better, everyone's day a little brighter. He had been so full of optimism and enthusiasm.
And to have that just snuffed out. It didn't seem right. And it didn't seem like a universe that allowed something like that to happen should be allowed to exist and just carry on its merry way.
And, everyone on the bridge seemed to be suffering from this. Either guilt, or a thirst for revenge, or both. And they'd poured all of that into their work. Because to act on either of those feelings went against their training. So there was nothing to do but do as they'd been trained.
And it was killing all of them.
And at least some of them had bothered to talk. But, Jim or Spock hadn't been by once since Chekov's death to talk. Spock would never admit to needing to talk. And Jim...
And damnit, they needed to talk or something. Bones wasn't blind, He'd noticed the hesitancy in his Captain and First Officer. Kirk always changed the landing party order at least three times before finally selecting Himself, Bones, and Spock, and one specialist who was absolutely positively needed, and leaving Scotty in command with the entire security team on high alert and the second most senior medical officer on the ready.
And Spock. Spock was even more "logical" than before. Not that it was a revelation or anything, but Bones was reaffirmed now more than ever that "logical" was just Vulcan code for "This way if what I do yields bad results, I'm still not wrong." In other words, it was one big societal defense mechanism that guarded against failure. Every single action or command Spock made was annoyingly logical. Each decision made with the utmost precision and deliberation. There wasn't a variable Spock didn't take into account, and only the safest paths, the paths with the least amount of danger were recommended.
And Jim listened.
Bones was pretty sure that that was what bothered him more. Spock was dragging Jim down with him, or rather, Jim was holding on to a falling Spock for support.
Oh sure, Jim knew Bones was always there for him. And hell, Spock probably knew he was even there for him, regardless of whether either he or the green-blooded hob goblin would admit it. And sure, both of them actually frequently relied on him simply being there to endure. Whether or not either of them knew it. What mattered was Bones knew it, and it was a duty he took very seriously.
But, they relied on each other to run The Enterprise. Jim relied on Spock to pull him back from making foolish decisions, and Spock relied on Jim to make foolish decisions that somehow always resulted in success. Jim relied on Spock's logic, and Spock relied on Jim's intuition.
You would think that with the tragedy of Chekov's death, that they would only rely on that system more strongly. You would think that if it wasn't for the fact that Chekov's death was the first time that system had failed.
So, Spock relied on his oldest fall-back, logic, and Jim relied on Spock.
Because for Jim, his intuition was only as good as the people around him that could prevent, protect, or put back together whatever aftermath or consequences his decisions led to.
Jim jumped out of a burning building assuming that there would be someone with a trampoline waiting for him.
But this time there wasn't.
And it had cost Chekov his life.
And Jim was now just realizing the flaw in his system. And while he still had faith in those around him, he had lost faith in himself. And while Spock was good enough, logic is a very reliable system, and it hadn't lead to any tragedies yet. And while only three missions had occurred in the last week, all of which were fairly low key, Bones knew that this would eventually lead to all of their deaths at the worst, and the Enterprise being just another average starship at best.
Because as much as Bones yelled at Jim for all of his reckless, crazy stunts, he was exactly the kind of Captain this ship needed, the kind of Captain Starfleet needed, the kind of Captain that separated a good starship from a great starship, the kind of Captain that turned loss into a fighting chance.
And that Captain was disappearing, because this time the loss had been too huge, too personal, and Jim was scared of it happening again.
And Bones had resolved to not let this happen.
He had to stop waiting for the perfect idea to help Jim. And he really had to stop waiting for Jim to come to him. He had to take action. And now.
