Disclaimer: I own nothing regarding GWTW
Author's Notes: Thank you for all the reviews and feedback.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Those words brought Scarlett back to reality. They reminded her too strongly of their passionate night when Rhett kept repeating over and over again that he loved her. The night when he used her as he would any whore in Belle's house. She had been underneath Rhett and with a superhuman effort, she jerked herself out of his grasp. She fell to the floor, but she didn't care. She was free of him. She said, "I won't be your whore again."
Rhett who was still in the throes of passion, dumbly said, "What?"
Scarlett stood up and said again, "I won't be your whore again."
"You have never been my whore."
"The night of Ashley's party, you used me like a whore then just like with a whore after you were finished you just walked away."
"I woke up and didn't remember anything hardly but that I had forced myself on you. Because I was ashamed, I ran away."
"You ashamed? Cover yourself up. It is hard to have a discussion with you with your… your.."
"My member."
"Exposed."
Rhett didn't say anything but stood up and got everything covered up. He finally said, "Yes, I was ashamed." Rhett looked at her so earnestly when he said, "Was our night together really awful? I can't remember much because I was so drunk."
"It was wonderful. The awful part was when I realized that our night together was not special to you. It was just an ordinary night for you."
Scarlett had not been looking at Rhett. He walked over to her and took her chin. He made her look at him. She saw that there were tears in his eyes. He said, "It hurt me so when you told me it was awful. You made it sound like being with me intimately was a horrible fate."
"You had just told me you left my bed to go to another woman's bed. That made me feel like an incompetent whore."
"I'm so sorry I said that. I was just striking out because you had not responded the way I hoped you would. What I remember, it was wonderful for me also. The one thing I did remember clearly was you calling out my name when you reached your satisfaction. No, it was not an ordinary night for me. I have never had such an amazing night."
Rhett and Scarlett shared a sad smile. As they stood there in the quiet neither realized that their hands were linked.
Scarlett said, "It could have been a new beginning for us."
"It could have been but as usual I ran away instead of facing the consequences of my actions. Any time I am with you is wonderful whether we are just together or we are being intimate. I thought you would throw my love up in my face. That you would mock me and make fun of me because of it."
"You are the one that mocks people's cherished beliefs and feelings. Not I. I have to go."
"Don't leave yet. Whenever I am with you intimately, I have always felt like I was the luckiest man alive."
"You sure didn't act like it."
"As I told you before, I was afraid you would use my love as a whip against me. At the time you were so cruel to the people who loved you that you didn't love."
"No, Rhett, I was never intentionally cruel to anyone. Not even to that puppy dog Charlie Hamilton. Yes, I would have used your love to my advantage but isn't that what we do."
"It also would have been ten times worse you knowing I loved you while you were still infatuated with Mr. Wilkes."
"I don't know. I do know that the way you were treating me was not the way to make me fall in love with you."
"But it did. You did fall in love with me. You told me so the night Miss Melly died."
"No, Rhett, your treatment of me did not make me fall in love with you. I married you because I loved you. My heart knew what my mind could not accept. I shouldn't have told you that. I don't know why I said that. I think I said it because I wanted you to be my safe haven. For you to protect me and take care of me."
Rhett smiled. He said, "Selfish until the end. You wanted someone to take care of you, but I was barely standing. I couldn't have taken care of anyone."
"I wished you had stayed. We could have leaned on each other for once in our relationship."
"I wish I had stayed too but instead I ran away again. I'm never leaving you again." With a smile Rhett said, "Whether you want me to be here or not."
"I have to go. I can't talk about this anymore. I still don't want any more children."
"Neither do I. I can't take the chance. That hurt too much."
Scarlett grabbed her cape and walked to the door. Without turning around, she softly said, "Yes, it did."
As Scarlett walked back to her house, she kept telling herself, 'He will leave you when you need him the most. Just as he always has.'
Scarlett had been hurt too many times to ever allow herself to be hurt by that man again. She just had to be cold and hard. She thought, 'He is not a trustworthy man. It is so sad that all we did was hurt each other while we were married. I would have to be a masochist to get involved with him again.'
Rhett had not insisted on walking Scarlett home because he knew she would have refused but instead he had followed her and watched her until he was sure she was safely inside Hamilton House. As he walked back into his parlor, he noticed she had not taken the painting with her. He would have it burned the next day.
As Scarlett got into her bed, she thought, 'Rhett is not a dependable man. All he ever thinks about is himself.'
Scarlett didn't acknowledge the tears she was crying even when she had to get up to blow her nose for the third time.
That night Scarlett had a wonderful dream. She dreamed of Rhett. She dreamed he was the husband she wanted him to be. She dreamed that they were happy together. Joyously happy.
The next morning when she woke up, she said to herself, "Yes, I am just a masochist but not so much of one that I will get involved with him physically again. I don't want to have another child. I don't want to carry another child again. I don't want to go through labor and delivery again. And I don't want to put my heart in anymore jeopardy than it already is. Not only is my heart in jeopardy because of the children but it is in jeopardy because of Rhett. I know now that I still love him, despite all the cruel things he did to me. I guess I always will."
The next several nights after Scarlett got into the bed all she could think about was what she and Rhett had done. About how pleasurable the experience had been. When she did finally fall asleep, she dreamed of them having relations. When she woke in the morning, she was cross and irritated.
At Rhett and the children's next visitation, Rhett whispered to Scarlett, "I can make sure you never get with child again."
"Rhett not here."
"I had a wonderful time. Did you?"
"Yes, but I don't want to talk about it. We will never do it again."
"Alright."
Rhett and Scarlett stood there quietly for a minute until she said, "How could you have had a wonderful time. You didn't…."
"Not inside you, no"
"What?"
"I can finish outside you."
"How?"
"I will explain all that later, but I can manage to never finish inside you."
"How?"
"By removing myself when I feel the moment getting close."
"If you finish outside of me then I would not get with child."
"Yes."
"You would do that?"
"To be with you intimately again, I would do just about anything."
"Wow!"
"I mean it. Come see me after you have put the children to bed tonight. Scarlett, I truly am a better person than I used to be. You taught me that. When you divorced me, I knew I had nothing. I had nothing if I didn't have you."
"No, I won't go over to your house for that. That would be wrong. We aren't married."
That night after Scarlett had gotten into her bed, she had a hard time going to sleep. All she could think about was what Rhett had said about him not finishing inside her. She thought about how if he did that, she wouldn't get with child, but could she trust him to keep his word and not finish inside her. But her mind kept remembering how wonderful Rhett had made her feel that night. She knew a lady wouldn't want to feel those feelings again, so she wasn't going to think about the pleasure she had felt. Although she tried not to think about what she and Rhett had done, that seemed to be all she wanted to think about. Eventually she fell into a troubled sleep. She dreamed of Rhett and her doing what they had done that night. She even dreamed about some of the things they had done the night of Ashley's birthday party.
When Scarlett woke up the next day, she was even more cross and irritated than she had been before her conversation with Rhett. She also thought that her dreams had just made her desire to be with Rhett again that much worse. She wasn't going to visit Rhett at night. That was simply wrong. That night when she tried to go to sleep once again all she could think about was Rhett and what they had done. She forced herself to think of other things, but her mind kept going back to what they had done. Once again, she dreamed of Rhett and her having relations.
The next day Scarlett was even more cross and irritated if that was possible. She snapped at PittyPat several times. She had stopped herself from snapping at the children or India.
At the children's next visitation, she scowled at Rhett. He was the reason she was angry at the world. She perversely thought, 'Why didn't he let me experience all there was to experience in bed while we were married? Belle was right. If I had been enjoying myself also, I would never have let him leave my bed.'
Rhett was very much aware of Scarlett's rotten mood. He also noticed that the children were being standoffish toward her, so he figured she had been in a bad mood for several days. Although he conversed with her throughout the afternoon. He never said a word about her visiting him.
This went on for several more days. Finally, Scarlett decided that the best way to banish all her thinking about relations was to visit Rhett. When she didn't feel any of those feelings again, she would be done with the whole thing.
A week after their discussion, Scarlett snuck over to Rhett's house after the children were in bed. When Rhett saw her walking through his parlor door, he made sure he didn't have a triumphant smile on his face. He didn't say anything. He had just stood up and kissed her. He and Scarlett had walked up the stairs arm in arm.
Fortunately for Rhett, he was able to satisfy Scarlett many times that night. As he walked her home, he said, "Any time you want to come over you can come over. You need not worry. There will never be anyone else in the house, but the servants and they go to their rooms at seven, as soon as they have cleaned up from supper."
"I won't be coming back. It is wrong. Good night."
But during the next several weeks, Scarlett did return to Rhett's house. She would sneak over around nine o'clock when she had supposedly retired for the night. At first it was just every three to four days when the urge got too great. Then it turned into every other night. Finally, she was going over there every night except when she had her flow.
Scarlett justified her having relations without marriage by telling herself that after the life she had she deserved some happiness. Besides, it wasn't like she and Rhett hadn't already been intimate. She also told herself that they weren't intimate while they were married so fate owed her four years of having a good time.
Scarlett had missed hugging and kissing Rhett. She had missed him holding her in the night. She had missed his stories. And a tiny part of her had missed being intimate with him. It had certainly been a mistake to let him move out of the master bedroom. She knew that he had skills in the bedroom that most men didn't have. She would just use him like he had used women all his life including her.
