A/N: The song mentioned later in this chapter is George Clinton's Atomic Dog. You tube the video, it's hilarious.
Chapter Three
September 3rd
National Random Acts of Kindness Day
Early the next morning, Sirius entered the Great Hall, hiding his need to smirk having had several owls from Board Members who had been stunned by his information regarding the large basilisk. Albus had apparently convinced them that it had been a minor incident, in spite of the fact that Fudge had sent an innocent man to Azkaban in order to be seen as doing something. After dinner the night before, Albus had attempted to convince him to allow Hogwarts a small portion of the snake only to be shut down by the former Marauder who found he wasn't even shocked at the man's nerve.
As Sirius sat down at the table in the front of the room, he saw that there were a larger number of students already there which was strange considering the early time and that it was a Saturday.
The Marauder never saw his godson whispering to his friend Hermione as they were seated. He did see Harry looking up at him and grinned as his godson smiled at him then turned back to his best friend. Sirius could see the whispered conversation looked intense and believed that Harry was telling Hermione about Remus and his discussion with him regarding the basilisk.
"Hermione, you do realize that if Sirius isn't amused and well even if he is, he will take this as a challenge." Harry was saying now a bit worried about his friend. "Plus, he is going to be able to figure it out that you are involved, who else would know that today is National Random Acts of Kindness Day. And I am the only student who has been in his quarters."
Her unrepentant grin had him in spite of himself grinning back as he thought of the letter she had asked him to write. "Just how many...?"
"Pretty much all of the Puffs, most of the Claws, every single Lion except Ron." She said scowling as she thought about their friend's whining about his hand hurting from all of his homework. "And a few of the Slytherins in our year who I see in Runes and Arithmancy."
Harry did the math in his head and then asked. "Are there enough School Owls for this?"
"Some of the owls are going to deliver multiple letters." Hermione grinned at Harry and added, "Dobby, Winky and a few of the house elves are in the owlery and as the owls return are going to be sending more of the letters."
As more students arrived in the Great Hall in spite of the early time, Harry chuckled and said: "They are all going to give away that we are pulling a prank because there are never these many students on a Sunday morning."
Harry looked up at the head table and saw that Remus was now seated near Sirius and that his own head of house had entered the hall wearing a slight smile on her face until she glared at the Headmaster. Looking at the other teachers, seeing Snape joining Flitwick had him wincing at how the unpleasant wizard would react to their prank.
Remus had told him how the dark wizard had reacted to the basilisk the day before and Harry reluctantly admitted that he understood his doubting that Harry had done what he had. After all, he himself wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't been there.
"When does the rest happen?" He asked as he tried to figure out how much time to block out in his schedule for her insane plan. He had already begun writing in the journal he had been given by his godfather and was determined to be as truthful as he could remember the events.
"I am not sure. Cedric Diggory was charming the Puffs letters and Davis were doing the Claws. Daphne, Tracy, and Theodore were doing their own and any other snakes who helped and I had the twins help to do all of the Lions since we didn't want your magic on them since he would recognize it." She replied.
The start of the morning owl delivery had Harry taking a large gulp of his pumpkin juice. A few letters arrived for his godfather and the Hedwig delivered the one that was to go to Remus from him.
Then a few more entered the great hall and to the amusement of the students, queued up and lifted their claws to Sirius who seemed puzzled but accepted the letters.
When those ten owls took off, ten more flew in and repeated the process which was now catching the attention of others at the head table and some of the students especially the ones who were in the know.
Sirius smirked but still seemed puzzled as all were addressed to him in a rather formal manner and then when those owls flew off, ten more entered and landed in front of him. By now a few students were laughing even as they accepted their own owl delivery.
Remus gave Sirius an exasperated look and said: "What are you up to now?"
"Honestly, this isn't me," Sirius replied with a small chuckle as the fifth set of owls dived through the window in a straight line and repeated the process. He saw his former head of house shaking her head then leaning over to whisper to Filius Flitwick.
The rest of the professors all seemed to be amused, well except for two, Snape just scowled at him while the sneer on Umbridge's face only made her look even less attractive if that was possible. He saw the Headmaster was eating quickly, clearly trying to avoid the conversation that McGonagall had indicated she wished to have with him.
As he removed the last bit of parchment and the owls flew off, he had just looked up to see if there were anymore when about a third of the parchments seemed to shuffle around together into a house of cards stack in front of him.
Now convinced it was Remus, he rolled his eyes and looked over at his oldest friend and said: "Seriously, you couldn't do a better charm than card stacking?"
Remus was about to deny having anything to do with the prank when he heard one of the songs from an old muggle lp he owned as the various letters all formed lips and out came:
Yeah, this is a story of a famous dog
For the dog that chases its tail will be dizzy
These are clapping dogs, rhythmic dogs
Harmonic dogs, house dogs, street dogs
Dog of the world unite Dancin' dogs Yeah
Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Ruff Ruff Ruff
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Ruff!
His eyes now blank as Remus realized who had pranked Padfoot, he struggled not to look over towards Hermione Granger. She had paid him a visit the day before and with an innocence that should have warned the former marauder had asked to borrow a few of his old albums.
Still, his question was how had she shortened the lyrics to only those that were most fitting for his old friend and who else had been involved?
He looked at Sirius who was now laughing in spite of being pranked. The dark haired wizard was clearly amused and wasn't sure what to think when the letters all immediately closed and landed in a neat pile off to the side of his breakfast plate.
"Very entertaining, Black. What's next, dancing girls?" Snape sneered.
Sirius had removed the latest grouping of letters and was a bit tense when nothing happened except more owls dropping off letters. Eventually, the owls ended and he estimated that he had over 120 letters delivered that morning including several from Hedwig who he would swear had been smirking at him.
When one final owl flew into the Great Hall, Sirius was sure that something was up and sure enough, once again a group of about forty letters stacked themselves up, blew a raspberry at him then began to stack themselves and shuffling at various intervals.
When nothing else, happened, Sirius wasn't fooled, positive that there was more to come, but he finished his breakfast and conjuring a bag carried his letters back to his quarters.
Once there and comfortably settled onto his favorite sofa, he began sorting them out and found them to be letters from more than three-quarters of the students as a response to his challenge the previous day. When he tried to open a random letter, he was bemused to find them organize themselves in four stacks that insisted he open the second tallest stack first.
Breaking the wax seal on the first rather formal letter from a student, he let out a good chuckle as he saw that it's opening line was In Honor of Random Act of Kindness Day, I, Hannah Abbott would like to offer you a small act of kindness, good sir. Honesty.
The letter then went on to inform him that she was rather sincerely concerned about his sanity and suggested that he get in touch with a mind healer from St. Mungos. Sirius was shaking his head as he finished reading her sign off which had added that she hoped that for Harry's sake he would consider her request.
The next letter was from a seventh year Hufflepuff male which said In Honor of Random Act of Kindness Day, I Cedric Diggory would like to offer you a small act of kindness. Honesty.
The teenage boy's suggesting for what he felt was his strange behavior during the Opening Feast was to suggest a girlfriend and to spend some time shagging her. Or a boyfriend if that was more his thing.
By the third letter, one from Susan Bones whose 'Random Act of Kindness' was to suggest he get back to work helping her aunt protect the magical world and stop mucking about.
When Sirius realized that all of the letters of the first stack was from the Huffs, he got himself a pot of tea and some biscuits and when he was finished reading each and every single one of the forty letters, gave each student who wrote them, 1 point apiece before taking back Diggory's points just for the odd twinkly look that he often had in his eyes at it reminded him too much of the Headmaster.
Reaching for the largest pile, that he was sure were from the lions, he let out a louder chuckle when they flew out of reach. "Okay, okay, so tell me who's next?"
When the pile of about thirty letters, all neatly written and clearly a bit longer than the Puff letters moved within reach, Sirius broke the first seal and once again read that in Honor of Random Act of Kindness day, they were writing him hints and suggestions on how to improve Hogwarts.
His jaw dropped as he began to realize that each letter contained thick very informative and strategic plans on how to return Hogwarts to the best magical school in the world and that there were recommended book lists in each of the parcels. He merely placed the book lists off to the side otherwise he would be reading letters for the rest of the school year.
All except one letter, this one from a girl with rather flowery handwriting suggested that now that "Stubby Boardman" was no longer infected with nargles, he get back to the studio, that her father really, really was in need of new musical content to listen to. Reading the signature line, he was outright laughing as he said: "Only a Lovegood would write a letter like that."
More than a bit curious about the ones from the snakes, he was opening them and wasn't at all a bit surprised to realize that true to the real nature of Slytherins, this one was suggestions on Random Acts of Kindness and what he might do to improve relationships between their house and the school. They clearly believed that he was their best chance of doing so, especially since he had been born a member of the Black family.
The last stack had him a bit worried, between the Weasley twins and his godson, he was sure that whatever was inside those letters would be VERY, VERY interesting even before he took in the revenge filled thoughts of a very upset teenage girl who was smarter than him.
As he went to open the second letter after one from a girl named Lavender Brown who had some rather ingenious but scary suggestions on how to improve his wardrobe he heard a knock on his door.
Opening it, to see his former Head of House, he waved her inside and when he saw her looking at the debris from his mail, he said "You have some very interesting students in this school. A Mister Diggory would like to suggest I get laid, female or male, whatever my preference is. A Ms. Abbott would like me to seek mental health help. Ms. Lovegood would like me to stop masquerading as Sirius Black and just admit that I am someone named Stubby Boardman. Oh, and Ms. Brown wants to get me out of my clothes and into something more comfortable."
"Excuse me?" Minerva was sure she heard him wrong only to be handed the letter written in lurid purple ink. When she finished reading, she rolled her eyes and shaking her head looked at Sirius and said "Clearly, Ms. Brown needs to be spoken to. Tights? And a poet shirt? Knee High Boots, Oh dear, I think she has been reading those muggle pirate romance novels again."
"Did you come to inquire about my mail or was there something else you wanted today?" He asked after she had sat down on the nearby squishy red sofa and was looking at him.
She looked down at said sofa and then shaking her head stated "Your godson and Ms. Granger came to me, rather unhappy to find that their favorite sofa was missing from the common room. Care to explain?"
An unrepentant Sirius grinned at her and said: "I replaced it with a much nicer one."
"Yes, well your godson wishes to have returned his girlfriend's favorite place to study," Minerva replied with a tight smile before letting out a small chuckle of her own. "Oddly enough, they weren't the only Lions unhappy to notice it gone. I have a mutiny on my hands, Black."
"Hey, I gave them a new very comfortable even wider sofa." He protested. "They should be thrilled."
"Well, I will let you explain this to your godson. Whose last threat involved getting Dobby involved if you didn't give in to my how was it stated, oh, I recall very grown up glares." She answered with a chuckle at how Harry and Hermione had very diplomatically avoided insulting her while stating that she was impressively intimidating for the students. "Now, do you wish for help opening the rest of your letters, and why are they writing them to you?"
As he explained his plan regarding the holidays, he told her what he hadn't Moony and Harry and the why behind them. Pointing her towards the pile of letters from the Claws and the Puffs and then at the small pile from the snakes and then the ones from the Lions, he said: "If this works out right it will cause just enough chaos, Minnie, to get through the changes you and I have spoken about."
When she lifted the first letter from a Claw, she sighed then looking at Sirius said "Albus will fight this. Let alone, whatever the real reason he has Umbridge working here after getting fired from the Ministry. That woman doesn't belong in the same building as students let alone teaching them."
"Let him, he is a big part of the problem. As for Umbridge, I am sure her plan involved Harry, same with the Headmaster. Either way, he won't be in her class and neither will the Granger girl. Unfortunately, the Weasleys wouldn't believe me and instead refused my offer of a History tutor for them. Umbridge is a fool but she won't dare go after certain other students, and the oath she had to take for the Board prevents her from attacking muggleborns or half-bloods nor is she allowed to treat them any differently based on their blood status, but I am afraid that there are ways around that edict. It's why I took this assignment when Fudge asked me to." Sirius replied while picking up the next Gryffindor letter which suggested that in honor of Random Acts of Kindness day, Sirius should show the Lions how to make water into wine.
"Mr. Finnegan." She replied when she heard the letter out loud. "The truly crazy thing is that the boy doesn't even like the taste of it, he is just determined to master the spell for some reason. He also has been eager to attempt to brew fire-whiskey."
"Odd boy doesn't he know how easy it is to obtain," Sirius said then letting out a chuckle, handed over Harry's letter to her. When she laughed as well, he looked up and then groaned as he said "Minnie?"
"Yes, maybe I shouldn't have given that to you." with that, he lifted his hands and showed her that they were now a nice mint green color. Thankfully five minutes later, she was still flesh colored, but Sirius was finding that his new green sun tan was spreading.
He had stopped opening the letters and was laughing as he realized his godson had pranked him only for the next letter in line to fly up in the air and smack him upside the head. "Hey, read me. You wanted me, now read me."
When he ignored the letter, it began to chant read me, read me, read me in the rather annoying voice of Colin Creevey. Sirius gave in to shut the letter up but when his skin turned a slightly darker green and then bright yellow polka dots developed on his face, he stopped yet again this time for the letter from a fourth year named Romilda Vane to start to annoy him.
Minerva McGonagall, stood, patted him on the arm and said "Twenty-five points to Gryffindor for ingenious use of charms. Now, if you will excuse me, Sirius... I do believe I am due in the Great Hall for lunch."
Sirius was rather busy trying to und0 the prank but instea, the letters kept insisting on being opened and he found he couldn't set them on fire or drown them. By the time that the lunch bell sounded, the pranked wizard's skin was green and yellow, his hair was black and white striped and for some reason, he now had a mustache that rivaled Sir Nick.
He suspected the twins for that one, as he realized that he couldn't make it go away in spite of what he attempted. In fact when he attempted to end the spells, they would change colors then minutes later would return to their original lurid colors.
Determined to prove that he was unflappable, Sirius entered the Great Hall to the sounds of hilarious laughter and when Delores Umbridge stood and stormed off in a fit of pique, he bowed to her now empty chair.
Severus Snape just ignored the buffoon, he wasn't going to let him make him the butt of his jokes, not today. He had too much to do and other than sitting near Trelawney than at his usual spot, he acted as if nothing was going on in spite of the now ear splitting laughter filling the hall.
At least that was his intent when he heard Lupin's amused statement. "Padfoot, why do you look like Dumbledore who appears to be wearing robes from the sixties?"
Leaning forward, the potions teacher saw that Sirius now had a long flowing purple beard and was wearing neon psychedelic colored robes and a wizard's cap with yellow polka dots on them which strangely clashed with the skin covered in similar colors.
Sirius stood to reply to his old friend and within seconds was wearing a dress, a muggle dress, one with green stripes and yellow polka dots, heels and a fascinator on his head with a ribbon across his chest that said Miss British Magical World, 1996.
He saw the smirk on Snape's face and was about to laugh in the greasy git's face when he felt his next change coming on. This one had Snivellus howling as he stood up and stormed out of the Great Hall. Looking at Remus he asked. "What?"
The werewolf conjured a mirror and handed it to the wizard who noticed his skin was no longer green, nope, it certainly wasn't. Instead, it was a rather whitish color and upon looking in the mirror howled "Harry James Potter! I know you are behind this one."
Neville Longbottom was groaning in horror as his boggart Snape from his third year reappeared, this time in costume on Harry's godfather. He had had a bad year from Snape and then when he had returned home for the summer had had to avoid his grandmother to keep from laughing in remembrance at inappropriate times when she would wear that vulture hat.
Harry looked up from where he was seated, having had the good sense to stay quiet at his godfather's latest transformation and couldn't resist "Yes, Professor Snape?"
"You have gone too far this time. You and your co-conspirators. Run!" With that, Sirius Black who now looked remarkably like his worst childhood foe and no longer like Neville's boggart, changed into his animagus form and dived under the table, down from the podium and gave chase after his laughing godson as he grabbed Hermione's hand, told Ron to make a break for it and then took off at full speed while the majority of the students laughed.
"Ten points to Hufflepuff." That silenced the room as most of the students looked towards Professor Flitwick who winked then said: "Ten more to Slytherin, in fact, ten points to all four houses for school unity."
At the Gryffindor table, Fred looked at George and asked while serving himself a second serving of soup: "Do you think we should try to rescue Harry and Hermione?"
"Harry is a very formidable young wizard who would be handy to have on our side and of course, Ms. Granger is legendary as a researcher, maybe we should?" George replied he asked, his languid tone showing that they clearly had no real intention of rescuing their fellow Lions.
"Wait, what about Ron?" Dean asked the twins. "Isn't he your brother?"
"To be honest, we aren't exactly sure on that," Fred replied with a snicker. "Our mater and our pater claim that he is their son, but I, well we secretly believe he was found in the vegetable patch one morning and that they merely altered him to look like a Weasley."
"Seriously?" Rolling her eyes, Ginny stood and made plans to go track down the trio, she had heard a rumor and wished to ask Harry if it was true. "You better hope that Mum and Dad don't hear your nonsense."
"Hey, it's our Random Act of Kindness towards Ron, telling him the truth of his origins." Fred retorted. "And, do you wish to know the truth about yours?"
"Sure, tell me!" She asked rolling her eyes and missing that she had gained an eavesdropper as Draco Malfoy perked up at getting some good gossip regarding the Weasels.
Fred winked at George who told his sister "Mum wanted a girl so bad and there hasn't been a girl born to the Weasley family in years, so Mum danced naked under a full moon with the Headmaster. Haven't you ever seen the pictures from when he defeated Grindelwald, he had the same color red hair as you do when he was younger."
Draco couldn't even restrain his shock as he quickly stood, almost knocking over Goyle and Crabbe as he hurried out of the Great Hall, knowing he had to tell his father about this well-hidden secret.
Ginny had merely rolled her eyes at the twins then said "Well, I heard that your true father was Loki and when he met the two of you he had you kicked out of Asgard and banned from ever returning. Mum and Dad took you in because they felt sorry for you and have regretted it since."
Later that night, Harry landed next to Hermione on 'their' sofa and grinned at his recently gained girlfriend. "So, do you love me?"
"Because you got our sofa back?" She asked skeptically. When he nodded while still smirking at her, she said: "No because your godfather is the one who stole it in the first place and it was my very clever plan that got it back."
"Hey, I helped, I let Padfoot chase me all over the castle while you merely broken into his quarters and stole it back." He protested.
Ron who was finishing up his Potions homework glared at the two of them then said: "Hey, I need help."
"Truer words were never spoken," Hermione replied with a long suffering sigh. "By the way, rumor is that you are a cabbage patch kid."
"A what?" Ron looked at Hermione and then shaking his head muttered: "I swear, I will never ever read unless required, clearly it rots your brain."
"So, Hermione, what is up for tomorrow?" Lavender and Parvati asked as they settled into a chair nearby squished against each other but clearly fine with it.
"We start classes tomorrow," Hermione replied wearing a puzzled expression on her face.
"Yes, but we have had so much fun with these made up holidays," Lavender announced with a side ways look at Ron who was frowning as he attempted to fill out his homework for Snape to make it long enough.
"The calendar that Mr. Black supplies shows tomorrow is Eat An Extra Dessert day." Colin Creevey announced.
"Wow, Ronnie, a holiday created with you in mind." Ginny teased her brother who flushed and glared at her. "What?"
"Nothing." He snapped then closing his book, said "Wait, what? We get extra dessert tomorrow?"
There were some quiet chuckles at the hopeful look on his face as he looked towards his two friends. "Seriously?"
"Well, according to Sirius, but I looked and it is also Labor day which means celebrating the working wizard or witch. Maybe we should send letters or notes to our parents who work or something." Hermione suggested only to hear groans at the idea of writing yet another letter. "Or maybe not."
Hermione reached into her backpack and pulled out a book with a guilty look towards Harry who saw its title and laughed. "You took that too?"
"Well, it seemed like a good idea." She said then opened the page to September Fourth and said: "According to this book tomorrow is also National Chicken Wing Day."
There were some nods from the muggles among them then she said: "It is also the Great Bathtub Race day."
The twins looked at one another then at Lee Johnson before asking for their friend to cover for them as they hurried out the portrait exit, they had just had a brilliant, wonderful, insane idea and they knew just who to go to to get help with it.
At the Malfoy residence, Lucius was in his study, unhappy with how his plan to get himself assigned to Hogwarts had backfired and gotten that moron Black the position. To make matters worse, Fudge was avoiding him and he was going to have to go to the Ministry and confront the wizard about it.
"Dear?" Looking up to where his wife was entering the room, he saw she was holding a note with their son's handwriting on it. "Do you still have that letter from Draco the other day?"
"The one where he claims that that Granger girl's worthless mother is apparently a well-known muggle torturer? Yes, here." He pulled the note out of his top desk drawer and handed it over. "Why?"
"I am not sure what to think..." She said handing over the note that their son had written to them. "He claims that he overheard the Weasleys talking about a great family secret and that Dumbledore is the father of that girl Weasley."
Lucius almost fell off his chair in shock at the idea of getting one over on the old man then he read the note. "Tell me our son isn't this gullible?"
"I am a bit worried, especially after the note three nights ago. Maybe you should pay Hogwarts a visit and find out what is going on with him?" She suggested.
"I will send Severus a note, it might be nothing. More than likely those Weasley brats are just trying to cause trouble for our son." Lucius told his wife trying to hide his uneasiness. After all, if it was something more, it more than it was likely connected to his wife's side of the family. Her sister and cousin were never exactly portraits of sane mental health even before spending time in Azkaban.
Besides, he had an appointment at Gringotts in the morning and to track down a minister in the afternoon, surely his son's mental health couldn't deteriorate that soon.
TBC
Song #1 Atomic Dog by George Clinton
