after much debate - and playing around with it - I'm going to stick with everything in one lump sum. It may get a little big and scary looking but in the end I just don't think you can jump in on this story by this point as a new reader no matter how many hints and repeats I try to slide in to the story. So - no setting new story alerts, no switching over, we're going with what we've got. My apologies to the people that got the 'please switch to Disc Two' announcement. Ignore that. I'll switch it for you. You just stay in your comfy chair and don't go anywhere. You want anything from the fridge while I'm up?
Chapter 41: Memories
Stars.
Tifa lay on her back and stared at the sky above. She'd known what stars were, of course. She'd just never actually seen them before. Even when she'd lived on the Plate as a child, Midgar's reactors had filled the sky with a green glow at night. But here, far from the city, far from everything, the night sky filled the entire world and the stars filled the night sky. Alive and bright and forever.
They'd left Midgar in the dark last night and the glow from the city and the fact she was concentrating so hard on looking forward and not backward had kept Tifa from noticing anything in the sky above last night. It had been late anyway and the sun had risen within a few hours of their departure. A hot sun that was so much brighter and larger than anything Tifa was used to. But again – even above the Plates the haze from the reactors distilled the light from the sun. Away from Midgar however the sun was huge and hot – which Tifa supposed was better than the winter cold. They'd trekked through desert for most of the day, everything around Midgar was drained of life, but by late afternoon they'd reached grassy plains and then trees. To Tifa, who'd never been outside Midgar, it was all new and amazing and both Zack and Cloud, even though they'd obviously seen this before, had slowed their journey and gone out of their way to make sure Tifa could enjoy this first experience with life outside of the city. After all, they had nowhere they needed to be, no timetable, no one waiting for them.
For the first time, Tifa was transient – and it was both freeing and a horrible feeling at the same time. She'd never been without a family before, never had what she was doing not matter before. Never had no one to care where she was or what she was doing. Except… Cloud cared.
She knew that if she wandered off, he'd be listening in case she called and then, when she came wandering back, he'd be there, watching for her while he did whatever else was occupying his time. At night, he laid his sleeping mat down next to hers and during the day, he kept her in his vision from the corner of his eyes. Tifa knew – because she kept him in the corner of her vision too.
He was all she had left and for someone that had once seemed so transient himself to her before – he showed no signs of leaving. She was glad. She wasn't sure what she would do if she lost him too right now. She knew it wasn't healthy to feel that way but at the moment, she needed it.
It wasn't just the two of them though. Zack also showed no signs of leaving. Cloud stayed stiff and distant from the ex-SOLDIER but sometimes – in the middle of a monster fight - when Zack would seem to say something that triggered it - first thing in the morning – Cloud's eyes would go young and vulnerable again when he looked at the other man. Tifa knew she wasn't the only one that noticed it but, after the confusing confession in front of Aerith's church, neither one of them prodded Cloud over it. Zack told Tifa that he'd only just met the guy and didn't feel like he had a right to pry and Tifa – she knew that whatever it was – it hurt Cloud to deal with it. She wanted to avoid things that hurt Cloud. It was eating him inside too though – she could see that when he snuck looks at the dark haired ex-SOLDIER striding along next to them. So she wasn't going to be able to leave it alone either.
Now, lying on her back, watching the stars above and feeling the warmth of Cloud less than an arm's length away from her, she wondered what she would say when she did ask.
'Hey, Cloud, aren't stars pretty? And what's up with you and Zack?'
Somehow she didn't think that would get an answer out of him.
Zack was on first watch, sitting a bit away from the dying fire and Tifa turned her head to spot him in the dark. They'd fought several monsters today.
He and Cloud moved a lot alike…
"You all right?"
The voice was low and soft in the night and Tifa turned her head the other way to look over at Cloud. He was lying on his back too with his arms behind his head and she'd thought he was sleeping. A hint of blue sapphire glinted at her from behind blond hair though and she shook her head, shifting over onto her side to face him.
The stars were nice to look at. Cloud was better.
"I'm okay," she answered, tucking an arm under her head. "Just… thinking."
He made a soft sound and went quiet again. After a minute, Tifa quietly asked:
"Cloud?"
His head turned, just a little, toward her and she saw the guarded look in his eyes. She pressed her lips together and then softly asked:
"How did you meet Cissnei?"
From the slight widening of his eyes, he hadn't been expecting that question and Tifa gave him a quiet, smug smile that got a slanted look in return. But he shrugged one of his shoulders and looked back up at the sky.
"I was on the run. With – a friend. She was supposed to bring us back in but she knew my friend from – before. He convinced her to let us escape. She helped us a couple of times after that. Then she just started helping me because I was on my own."
Tifa was quiet for a long time before she murmured:
"She's in love with you."
He turned his head to look at her then and his blond hair fell across his eyes, glints of blue between the pale gold.
"No." Not denial. Just a calm, sure knowledge. Tifa looked at him – and remembered the way the other woman had looked – her eyes, her face, the way she'd moved and spoken to Cloud – and she knew she was right. Whether the delicate red head had once loved Zack or not – she was in love with Cloud now. She didn't argue it though. She wasn't sure – wasn't sure she wanted Cloud to realize it.
She was becoming selfish…
He was watching her, his blue eyes shifting glints of electric light in the night. She gave him a soft smile. Not wanting him to worry about her. He was doing that too much already and she knew it was her fault for relying on him so much.
"I'm okay," she repeated and the edges of his lips moved, soft and sad. They both knew she was lying – and that there was nothing that could change that. Tifa's own lips shifted and she stretched out her hand to touch his arm.
"I will be okay," she rephrased softly. His arm on the far side of his head unfolded so that he could reach across himself and take her hand in his.
"Promise?" he asked and it was so soft and so vulnerable she knew he hadn't meant to say it out loud. She wound her fingers though his.
"Promise," she whispered.
It was quiet for a little while then and Tifa turned her head to look back up at the stars, hand still in Cloud's. Finally, Tifa spoke up again.
"I like Zack."
Cloud didn't respond and his hand in hers didn't move. Turning her head she found him watching the stars. Very softly, she added:
"You like him too."
His fingers under hers shifted – as if he had been about to draw them away and then decided against it. Afraid he would hurt her feelings? He didn't answer her either and she knew she was right. She pressed her lips together.
"You know him. Already. From sometime before, don't you?"
"Tifa – " his voice was low, barely there and she wound her fingers closer with his.
"Why doesn't he remember you, Cloud? How could he forget?"
"Tifa," he turned his face toward her then and the skin was tight over the bones of it. In pain. Without thinking, she scooted over onto his sleeping mat and he moved automatically to make room for her, shifting onto his side to face her. She searched his eyes as he told her:
"I don't remember. I – thought I did." His eyes held hers and they were hurt. "But maybe I don't. Not right at least. Maybe I don't remember Zack, maybe it was someone that looked like him. Or maybe I remember him but what I remember didn't really happen."
Tifa tucked in closer to Cloud, brows down. Their bodies still weren't touching except for their linked hands but they were as close to it as they could get. Their faces were so close that Cloud's hair mingled with hers. Tifa, instead of jumping to automatically comfort him, actually paid attention to what he said and gave it some serious thought. After a moment, she reached out with the hand she'd had tucked under her head and touched Cloud's soft bangs.
"Well – it must be him," her voice was low and reasonable, "because you remembered his name specifically. And – Cloud – you two fight alike. Not exactly but – you use some of the same moves. You even end up in the same stance afterward. I thought it might be SOLDIER training but you do other things the same way too. Like rubbing the back of your neck when you're uncomfortable."
Cloud went very still and she knew it was because she'd given away the fact that she recognized one of his 'tells', not that they were talking about similarities between him and Zack.
"You want to rub the back of your neck now?" she asked helpfully and suddenly Cloud was laughing. Really, honestly laughing. He rolled onto his back and just laughed, her hand still intertwined with his over his chest. Tifa felt something in her heart swell dangerously as she listened to that rare, wonderful sound under the stars. Shaking his head as he quieted, he turned back to look at her, their noses almost touching. His face had softened and his eyes did now as well. Gentle, he reached out with their linked hands and brushed a long strand of her hair away from her face.
"Stay with me," his voice was quiet. "Just for a little while longer."
It made her throat tight and stung her eyes and she managed a watery smile as she nodded. His lips relaxed into a smile of their own and then he turned his head back to watch the stars, bringing their linked hands to rest over his heart. Tifa fell asleep that way, watching the profile of his face and feeling the steady, sure beat of his heart.
She woke up in the morning feeling cold. There was a blanket draped over her and tucked in but – she was lying on the mat alone. The sun was just beginning to come up and she rolled onto her back with an inhale and rubbed at her eyes. As wonderful as being outside in green and sunlight and clean air was – Tifa wouldn't have minded a warm bed and hot running water. Opening her eyes, she sat up and pushed the hair back from her face.
"Good morning, Beautiful!"
She gave Zack a squinted look.
"Are you ever not cheerful?"
He pretended to give it some thought and then shook his head. But his smile was softer as he came over to squat down next to her and hand her a mug of coffee. Tifa inhaled the smell appreciatively and gave him a still sleep tipped smile.
"You save me again," she teased and he grinned as he sat back on his heels and watched her take her first sip. Then, without needing to be asked, he supplied:
"Cloud's gone out but he'll be back soon. We both thought we heard something on our watches last night but nothing ever showed. He's gone to see if he can find anything."
"Why didn't you wake me up?" she asked and he tipped his head and gave her a chiding look, complete with smile.
"So you could sit there in the dark with us and see nothing too? Besides, you're cute when you sleep."
"Zack -" it was her turn to chide and he just grinned unrepentantly before he stood up and went back to packing up their small camp. When she started to move he waved a gloved hand.
"I'm almost done and it's a sacred law that the first cup of coffee is never to be rushed or disturbed."
Tifa gave him a smile but she drew her knees up to her chest and sipped at the hot liquid, feeling the way it warmed her and woke her.
"Zack," she watched him as he tied everything down onto the packs. "Are you sure you don't remember Cloud from before? Because he thinks he remembers you."
"Yeah, I kinda guessed." Zack finished tying things down and rested on his heels next to the packs. "I'm pretty sure I'd remember some dark, broody guy with a SOLDIER sword and crazy blond hair."
"You should talk," she gestured toward his own spiky dark hair and he chuckled as he smoothed a hand over it.
"Hey, this isn't crazy. This is 'roughish'."
"Oh," she laughed at the correction. "That explains things."
