Calamity Crossroads
20-Over the Hills and Through the Door
"Don't panic on me, kid," the old guy said as they both walked through the portal and into a red-and-green landscapes of symmetrical red hills and something—plants or rock formations—in scattered geometrical shapes made of what looked like translucent emerald sprouting from them. Underfoot the ground felt as if it were particles of shattered glass.
"This isn't—
The man snapped, "Shut up. Stanford Pines, right?"
"No, I'm Di—Mason Pines. Stanford is my uncle."
"Oh, I'm so stupid I didn't realize you're forty ye-years older than Stanford. OK, Dimason, as I started to say, you tell Stanford that Rick, that's me, says we're even now, right? So next time he needs a favor, tell him it'll cost him." He said the word "favor" with what seemed like definite, though invisible, air quotes around it.
The sky glared overhead, a glaring yellow smeared with what looked like blotches of black cloud, or maybe smoke. The air smelled scorched and dry. As he hurried to keep pace with the old man, Dipper said, "I'll tell him. Do you want me to call you Rick?"
The man wouldn't even glance at him, but strode on, swerving around the bases of the hills and the jutting geometric green forms. "No, I want you to shut your annoying mouth. Unless you have something to say."
They were almost at a trot. Though he was no longer achy, Dipper felt physically tired and not in the mood for Rick's cranky sarcasm. He said, "I've got something to ask. Where are we?"
"Like it makes any—" Burp!—"difference?" In a bored voice Rick continued, "There was a big blowup not long ago and it left a sucky black-holey thing behind it. We're taking a shortcut around it through an interdimensional rift. Gotta walk a way to, to get—" Burp—"get out of range of the portal we used to get here, or we might fall into a damn infinite recursion. Not that you'd know what that shit is."
"I do know, though," an irritated Dipper said. "It's like standing between two perfect mirrors that reflect you and each other, so you see an infinite range of your reflections getting smaller with each recursion by a factor of—"
Rick cantankerously cut him short: "Big whoop, so you know some third-grade math. Jeeze, you make me miss Morty. He's dumb, but at least he doesn't pester me with so many idiotic questions. I'll have to get a new one soon."
"Morty?"
"My idiot grandson. Stole a portal gun and took off not long ago. You'd probably like him, he's a late-teen kid, stammers a lot, whines all the time. Little traitor. OK, this should be far enough. Other side of that hill up ahead should do. Is Stanford your grandpa or something?"
"Great uncle," Dipper said. "He's one of my favorite relatives."
"Ooh, guilt-tripping," grumbled Rick. "Your big happy mind tricks don't work on me. For your information, dumbass, Morty hero-worshiped me for a long time. He was all like, 'Jeeze, Rick, can we go-go on an ad-adventure today? Can-can I choose this ti-time?'' Make you vomit to hear him."
Something about Rick's imitation of his grandson reminded Dipper strongly of—"You know, maybe your grandson found a great place to work," he said. "Like maybe he's an officer in the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement crew—"
Rick snorted in derisive laughter. "Nah, those jerks are all scrotes. Here we go. Hold your breath until you get to the other side, kid."
Again Rick fired the gun and again the swirling green portal appeared just ahead. Dipper approached it cautiously. "Is this the way home?"
"Who cares? This is as far as I go. Good look, yada yada, and remember to tell Stanford I s-said no more freebies."
Before Dipper could reply, Rick put a hand on his spine at the base of his neck and shoved hard, sending Dipper stumbling and flailing for balance—
—and through the portal. "There you are! Get out of the rain, quick!" a girl's voice yelled.
Ouch! It was night, or at least dark, and scalding drops fell on his arms. "This way!" A hand clasped his wrist and pulled him under some kind of shelter, an awning or something. "You OK?"
"I'm disoriented," Dipper said. "And really tired. Otherwise, OK."
"Pines, right?"
"Uh, yeah," he said, taking a deep breath. The last place smelled scorched. This one smelled like boiling sulfur. "I'm not home, am I?"
"Next door to it. Hi, I'm Luz, and this is my girlfriend, Amity."
"Oh, I didn't see you—"
In the gloom it was hard to make them out, but there they were, two girls in their late teens or early twenties. "Hi," said the one called Amity.
"Yeah, hi. Uh, my name's Dipper. Dipper Pines."
She laughed lightly. "Hi. Dipper Pines." Now he could see the gleam of Amity's eyes.
The other girl, Luz, stood beside her and took her hand. She asked, Dipper, "You're heading for 46 apostrophe backslash, right?"
"That's my home dimension," Dipper said. "I've been lost for—"
"Better if you don't tell us details," Amity said. "Dimension hopping can cause all sorts of complications. This is just a shower. Hang tight for a few secs."
"Thanks for helping me," Dipper said. "I've, uh—been through a—well, thanks."
Luz rubbed his back gently. "It's OK, Dipper. We've been through a heck of a lot ourselves. We understand."
Amity stepped from under the overhang where they had sheltered. "The rain's stopped. Hey, if your uncle asks you, we call this place the Boiling Isles. Ask him if he remembers Eda—"
"Amity! What did you just tell him? Come on," Luz said. "There's the doorway straight ahead. Everything ready, King?"
A high-pitched voice from somewhere not far ahead called back, "Ready! Everything's all tuned!"
"What's wrong, Dipper?" Luz asked. "Why did you stop? Come on!"
Dipper swallowed hard. "That sounds like Bill Cipher!" he blurted.
"Huh? No, it's just the demon king. King's a good guy. Hurry, there's a short window of time!"
Amity, now a few steps ahead, said "This way! Good luck, you're nearly home!"
Hoping she was right, hoping that voice didn't belong to Bill, and hoping this was the last time, a frazzled and confused Dipper leaped into a yellow-glowing doorway that had opened in the darkness.
To be continued
