Chapter 46: Sleeping Arrangements

Cloud didn't call Yuffie. Tifa thought, maybe, he was afraid of what he might hear. Instead they just packed their backpacks and they went. Well, not quite that fast. They all gave notice at their jobs and spent the rest of the day spending their gil on supplies for the road. They'd intended to sleep one last night in their beds and then start off in the morning but as night fell they all found themselves putting on their packs and slipping out the door. Tifa locked the cottage and slipped the key under the mat where's she'd found it originally and felt a pang in her heart. She'd healed in that little house, in this land of warm breezes and salt water and friendly eccentrics. There was still a hollow place in her heart for the family and friends she'd lost in Midgar but it didn't threaten to consume her anymore. For just a little while – she'd led a normal life. Been allowed to act her age and play house with the man she loved and their best friend. Gentle, while the boys weren't looking, she pressed a kiss to the tips of her fingers and then pressed it against the doorpost. Then she turned and fell into step next to the others and without looking back, left behind Costa del Sol and its midnight beach.

Cloud was silent and withdrawn as they walked and Tifa didn't try to disturb that. She knew that sometimes you needed to hide inside a shell for a little while. She had and just like Cloud had protected her while she did, she intended to do the same for him. Zack strode at the head of their group, stretching his long legs while Red followed at the back and ranged out into the grasslands on brief stints. Tifa had to admit, as the night wore on – it felt good to be moving again. She hadn't felt restless while she was in Costa del Sol but now that she was traveling again, it was as if she'd been wanting to for a very long time.

They had a vague plan of how they were going to reach Wutai but no definite points that had to be met. Their pace was a bit faster than it had been the last time they'd traveled but Tifa had no problem keeping up now. They took things at their own time. Sometime about noon they found a stand of trees and decided to take a quick nap and eat before going on. The boys went off to find water and Tifa made the lunch – thankfully they were only just out of del Sol and so she had more to work with than noodles – though, looking in Zack's pack she noticed it was almost all tuna. Red joined her and she affectionately scratched behind one of his ears and exhaled.

"Aerith and I had joked about going to Wutai on our next vacation," she told him softly. He was the only one in the party she ever talked to about her dead. "I wanted to take the kids somewhere with sunshine. I was just – " she looked down at him and confessed. "I was waiting for dad to die. Because he couldn't travel and his medicine took up all the extra gil we had." She pressed her lips together and looked off in the direction the guys had gone, absently scratching at the base of Red's strange Mohawk mane where she knew he liked it.

"I always felt like less of a daughter for thinking that way. Waiting for him to die. And now he is – but it doesn't matter anymore. All the reasons I was waiting don't seem like they were good enough reasons now."

He made a softly huffing noise and she looked down into his golden eyes. Gave him a soft smile.

"I'm okay. It's just – our family always lived vicarious though each other. I guess – I guess now I'm doing the living for all of us."

After the break they were back up and hiking again. The scenery changed very little and Tifa still found herself stopping to collect the low growing wild flowers. She'd never been a flower collector before. Except their cottage in del Sol had always had fresh flowers in vases in the rooms thanks to her and now she soon found herself with a handful again. It was Aerith's fault. Flowers made her think of her best friend and that was comforting. Aerith would have liked the flowers.

She wondered if Zack was walking backward into his memories the way she and Cloud seemed to be.

Evening drifted in and they stopped more to set the pattern than because anyone was tired. Cloud went off to find more water, Zack set up the camp and Tifa figured out what everyone was eating. It had already been decided to leave the 'cooking' to Tifa. She was more creative with what they had and from short trial and error last time, they'd already figured out that the guys had no notion of making food last.

"Hey, Teef?" Zack dropped to his heels next to her as she put things together and she looked at him curiously. Zack's brows were down and his eyes were almost violet in the evening. He shifted a little and she realized he was feeling awkward. She hadn't known Zack could feel awkward.

"Yes?" she encouraged gently and he frowned. Finally asked seriously:

"Why does Cloud have a hard time remembering things?" His shoulder shifted. "I mean, when he was talking about Sephiroth he said he couldn't remember more than bits and pieces. And he won't talk to me about how he remembers me when I don't remember him. I don't want to pry – "

"I know," Tifa stopped him. Knowing he was worried she'd get defensive of Cloud and jump all over him. Technically – it was Cloud's secret and not hers to give away. Except – she didn't think he'd tell Zack. And Zack was a part of them now.

"Mako poisoning," she answered, laying a hand on Zack's arm as he knelt next to where she was sitting. "When I found Cloud – re-found Cloud – in Midgar – he was suffering from Mako poisoning. And it wasn't the first time."

Zack blinked and frowned in thought. Mako was concentrated Lifestream. And what was Lifestream but the memories of all the dead that had gone before? Tifa knew SOLDIERs were humans infused with Mako – but Mako poisoning was thousands of times what was done to SOLDIERs. All those memories, all that other forced into a body and through a mind. And Cloud had gone through it at least twice that Tifa knew of – but maybe a great many times more.

How did anyone keep their own mind and soul separated from that, much less their memories?

Zack exhaled a low breath and shook his head.

"…wow," was his only low comment and Tifa nodded.

"…yeah."

Dinner was quiet but not awkward and the clean up was fast. For a while afterward they all just sat together around the fire, content in each other's company. Finally Cloud stood up.

"I'll take first watch."

Quick, Tifa shot Zack a look. He gave her a puzzled look and she brought her brows down and glared at him.

"Uh," Zack stood up too. "I'll do that." He shot Tifa a look and she nodded in satisfaction. "Right," Zack grinned, smacking his fist into his palm, and looked back at Cloud with a nod. "First watch – that's me! I'm too wired to sleep."

Cloud gave the other man a mildly puzzled look but nodded.

"Okay."

"Good," Zack gave a decisive nod and headed a little away from the camp to find a good spot to settle in. Cloud's eyes slid back to the fire – to Tifa – but she was sitting with an arm around Red and didn't look like she was ready for bed yet. Moving over, he got his mat from his pack and made himself a bed a little away from the fire where he turned his back to it and settled in. Tifa watched him once he'd turned away. She'd felt… Cloud had been keeping a distance between them since the fight on the dock. No. Not since then. Since his confession about Sephiroth. And she didn't think it was the Sephiroth part of his confession that caused him to put up distance between them.

She'd thought – she'd thought if she lay down before Cloud did, he might end up sleeping on the other side of the camp from her. She let the fire die down a little more. She was working up the nerve – convincing herself what she had planned was the right thing. Then she gave Red a last pat and stood up, gathering up her own bedding and moving over to lay it down next to Cloud's. The same way he'd laid down near her every night of their last journey when she'd been so hurt and alone inside. He didn't move as she settled down and she knew he was awake because he wasn't breathing slow and steady the way he usually did. He didn't seem to be breathing at all. She settled down on her side facing his back –

And could still feel the walls between them.

She pressed her lips together as she looked at the solid wall of his dark back. Then, hesitantly, she scooted off of her own mat and onto his. He stiffened when he felt her move in but he didn't move away from her. Ignoring his stiffness, she slipped a hand over his side, squeezing it between where he had his arms folded across his chest. Pressing closer she curled her own body around his and pressed her cheek into that wonderful, perfect spot between his shoulder blades. Then she exhaled and shut her eyes. For a very long time she lay that way and Cloud didn't relax. Or pull away from her. Tifa had to force herself not to tense as the seconds ticked past. Feeling awkward and possibly unwanted. Finally Cloud's voice came, soft in the darkness and it held that low note that she loved to hear.

"Tifa…"

"I don't care," she answered back just as softly but there was a fierceness in her and her arm around him tightened. She pressed her face into his back. "I told you before. I don't care. You're my Cloud. That's all I care about."

"Tifa…" his voice was almost an exhale of sound and it sounded hopeless. But, after a minute more, his gloved hand found hers where it pressed against his chest and closed around it. Holding her against him that way. He didn't roll over to face her or move otherwise but he held her hand all night long over the beat of his heart. Tifa lay awake in the dark for most of the night and held him against her that way as well. Her body was a thin, but determined barrier between him and all the darkness that wanted the man in her arms for itself.

When she woke up in the morning, Tifa was alone. She was still lying on Cloud's mat though, and both of their blankets were over her and tucked in around her. She could smell him, that clean lightening scent on his blanket, and she tucked her nose into it and laid that way for a while longer. Then she got up and packed everything away. Cloud was gone and Zack didn't mention where she'd slept last night. But he did comment as he handed her a breakfast bar and the canteen:

"Cloud seems better. He grunted at me on the way past this morning. He must be feeling cheerful."

It made Tifa chuckle and she grinned at him over the canteen top. Zack's face softened and he shook his head.

"He's lucky to have you," he stated softly and Tifa gave him an odd look.

"You have me too," she reminded him and he just gave her a crooked smile and took the canteen back from her to take a swallow himself.

Cloud came back with Red shortly after that and they started off again. Cloud remained silent but the barrier wasn't there between him and the rest of the team, even if he was still withdrawn.

That night Zack took first watch again and Cloud laid out his sleeping mat, turning his back to the fire again and lying on his side. And, maybe Tifa was just imagining it because she wanted to, but he seemed to be waiting. With a smile to herself – she was really being stupid – because eventually they were going to get where they were going and she was going to have to stop and she already knew she wouldn't want to – Tifa set her own mat down right against his and shifted over to snuggle up against his back again, draping her blanket over both of them and sliding an arm around him. His hand found and covered hers immediately and Tifa fell asleep with her body curled against his back, warm and content, head comfortably tucked between his shoulder blades.

She woke up vaguely during the night when Zack roused Cloud for his watch with an amused murmur of:

"Come on, Lover Boy. Your shift."

She only stayed awake long enough to feel Cloud slip out of her arms – and then turn around to gently settle her into the warmth his body had left behind and tuck both blankets around her again. His fingers brushed her cheek and it made her smile without opening her eyes. They were all right. Cloud was all right. The knowledge relaxed her and lulled her to sleep again, still surrounded by his remembered warmth and the clean scent of him.

They were all going to be all right.