Chapter 58: Lost and Found

The Highwind was much roomier than any ship Tifa had been on before. By the end of the day, between her, her siblings, Red and Aerith, they'd figured out the galley, the engine room, the 'crew' quarters, something that could pass for an infirmary, something else that could pass for a muster room and several rooms of storage. She'd also discovered that Yuffie was on board as well which had made itself known when they found the bathrooms. Yuffie apparently got airsick. Which meant, at some point shortly after their arrival, Cloud gave Yuffie enough medication to let her go to sleep and then carried her off to tuck her into one of the lower beds in a cabin. Tifa took over cooking since apparently instant noodles were the meal of the day with this group too. That – and tea. Scrounging, Tifa managed to find 'real' food she could make and coffee, the latter being reserved for the emergency of having to wake everyone up in the morning. After dinner, she took her sister and brother out onto the deck of the ship. It was on the condition that they not to go out there without an adult – and for the moment, they didn't look like they were going to mutiny over it.

All three of the Lockhart siblings ended up leaning over the railing looking straight down trying to unnerve themselves before two minutes on deck had passed.

Then they all moved to the center of the deck to sit down and tried to guess where they were. Finally they went back into the ship 'to find a map' and were very careful not to make it obvious they were avoiding getting too close to the rails as they did so.

It was no easy thing to get her brother and sister tucked into bed and to sleep that night but the excitement of the day finally did catch up with them. Tifa waited until they were deeply asleep before crawling back out of the bed she'd snuggled down with them in. Aerith slept on the bed above them and Yuffie was still unconscious on the lower bunk of the bed across the small room from them. Red had disappeared but Tifa wasn't worried that he'd fallen over. He gave the edge of the ship an even wider area of safety than Barrett did. Tifa assumed that Shera would take the top bunk whenever she showed up but she hadn't seen the woman lately. Which was just as well. Shera was giving off the 'want to have a girl to girl talk' vibes and Tifa was pretty sure she knew what the talk was going to be about. She wanted to avoid that as long as possible because she really didn't know what she'd say to the other woman. She did know someone she wanted – needed – to talk to though and so she let herself out of the room and stood there for a long moment trying to figure out where he'd be.

Tifa ended up searching through the storage rooms they'd found earlier. Most of them were only partially full. It was colder onboard the ship now that the sun had gone down and there was no heating in the unnecessary rooms. She wrapped her arms around herself and peered into the darkness of each room, frowning to herself. He might have gone to sleep in the bunkroom the men had taken over. Or be in the pilot's nest or on deck or even the galley but…

Going on her gut feeling, Tifa thought he'd want to be alone after all he'd revealed today - which meant burying himself where he didn't think anyone would think to look.

She found Cloud stretched out in a makeshift hammock in the third and smallest of the storage rooms. He had one arm tucked under his head and he didn't look over when she came in and shut the door behind her, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dim hallway light from the cracks under the door before she moved over to where he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey," she greeted him as she came to stand next to the slung blanket he'd jury-rigged and he made a soft noise of greeting in response. His reflective blue eyes stayed fixed sightlessly on the ceiling above.

"Share," she told him and he finally turned his head to look at her, eyes puzzled. Determined, she sat down on the center of the hammock next to him, careful not to make them tip, and then slung her legs up onto it and laid back. With a low, laughing sound in his throat, he opened the arm nearest her so she could scoot closer and tuck in against his side. Which was much warmer and she snuggled in against him with an exhale, shutting her eyes for a long moment. Finally starting to relax and unwind deep inside herself the way she hadn't all day long. She could have stayed that way all night and thought of it as time very well spent but –

She shifted a little, careful to stay in the shelter of his arm but turning her head so that she could see him. He'd gone back to looking at the ceiling and she finally realized that he was avoiding her eyes because he knew what she was planning. So instead she snuggled in against him and rested her cheek on his chest.

"I think Aerith is going to be all right," she murmured softly, shutting her eyes, hands curled against his chest as well and tucked into the folds of his shirt to stay warm. He made a low, listening noise in his throat and his other arm came up to wrap his hand over her arm almost unconsciously as he shifted a little onto his side to face her more. It made her smile against him and she nodded softly.

"With Zack."

"He's hard not to like," Cloud admitted low, relaxing against her and she nodded against him again. Frowned.

"Why can't he remember either of you?" It was more of a rhetorical question and she was surprised when Cloud softly answered in a young voice that almost wasn't there:

"Because I don't think he's the Zack we remember."

"How?" she began but he shook his head, chin rubbing against the top of her hair as he unconsciously slid his hand along her arm to keep her warm.

"I don't know. But… he doesn't do boot dusters anymore."

"What?"

He made a low, frustrated noise but it was at himself, not her.

"He used to – do these exercises. Like squats. Whenever he was bored. Or frustrated. Whenever he was trying to blow off energy. It was – the weirdest quirk. He doesn't do them now. Not once." His fingers moved unconsciously through her hair, winding in its length as he continued to speak. "And he hasn't saluted with his sword. He used to bring it to his forehead sometimes. As if he was getting strength or confidence or wisdom from it. Except he doesn't anymore. It's not his old Buster Sword… but he hasn't asked about that either. I keep it in my room Wutai. It used to be Zack's. I showed it to him, pretending it was just an old sword of mine and – nothing. Aerith is right, too… he used to have a scar on his jaw. And… he wasn't bothered by tight places before. When I concentrate – I can remember. There are things that are missing from him now."

"You trust your memories?" she asked softly and he went very still against her. Realizing what he'd talked himself into.

"I – " he hesitated, finally finishing with, "…don't know."

Still held in his arms, she lifted her face to his and reached up with a hand to touch his chin. Tipped his face down to her. His eyes were cerulean blue and achingly empty inside. She searched them with her own eyes.

"You're not just worried that your memories of Zack might not be real. You're worried about other memories too, aren't you?"

He didn't answer – but his eyes did and so did the way his shoulders hunched inward toward her. Tifa had learned that Cloud had a very expressive body for all that he didn't strike the 'noble' poses that Zack did or move 'loudly'. Light she stroked a finger against the side of his chin before letting it slip down just a little.

"You're worried about your memories from childhood? About me?" It was only a guess and she was going to sound horribly conceited if she was wrong but he nodded – barely there and reluctantly after a long moment.

"I remember the same things," she began but he shook his head suddenly and his hands, his fingers on her, tightened. In the dark, his eyes found hers.

"What if it wasn't me?" his voice came out rasping and quiet and there was a torn, throaty edge to it. "Tifa… what if I'm not the boy you remember? What if it was someone else? Someone that died somewhere between now and then? Someone who's memories I stole…?" His hand rose and his fingertips touched her face. He wasn't wearing his gloves and the skin was rough with calluses and warm. His voice was as soft and gentle as his touch as he said: "What if it's not really me you remember?"

Tifa forced herself not to answer right away. Forced herself to really think about what he was saying. On one hand, she didn't care if he was that little boy with the ball or not. She loved Cloud as he was now and if she'd never known him before, she still would have felt the way about him that she did.

But on the other hand… she understood what he was saying. It was that memory of a helping hand and a little boy being a hero so long ago that fed the comfort they felt with each other. Even more, his memories of those times were stronger than hers. They'd shaped him and he relied on them still. She'd seen that much from his time during the mako fever. He said he'd joined SOLDIER to reclaim the 'hero' she'd once called him. He'd remembered her tears, shared without knowledge, and it had given him a place in her heart long before she'd even realized he wanted one. He could touch her, speak to her, the way he couldn't to anyone else because there was the child in him that knew her already and knew it was safe. Things a man didn't need to be whole – but that a broken one found meaning and healing and safety in.

It made too much of her. Instinctively she shied away from thinking about herself that way, of thinking of herself as that central or important. But… she thought she knew him… At least a little…

So she lifted her eyes to his and told him the only truth she knew.

"I think you are that boy. I think no one has eyes like yours. I think that I knew it was you when you fell asleep next to me at the convention in the sunshine so long ago." Gentle she stroked her fingers through his golden hair. "But I also think that even if you weren't, I would still want to be with you just the way I am now. Because I remember that boy with his impossible blue eyes and the same shy smile you have – but I also know the man you are now. My Cloud," she cupped his cheek with her hand and saw the way she filled his entire world in his eyes at that moment. "You're my Cloud. And I'm proud of you and pleased by you and content with you the way you are right now." Her smile was soft in the darkness. "But those memories are really yours, Chocobo Head. No one else in the world could possibly have insanely wild hair like yours."

A noise escaped him, quiet and pained and laughing all at the same time, and he shifted on the hammock so that she was pinned half under him as he pulled her tightly against him. She felt her whole body relax at the weight and familiar covering feel of him and the smile slipped across her lips as she reached up and wound her arms around his neck and shoulders in response. Holding him just as tightly as he was holding her.

"You had a blue dress," his voice was raw against her shoulder and throat where he'd buried his face. "You would charm shop keepers into giving you candy and then you'd give it to all the other children who would wait outside the door. They used to come to you when they skinned their knees or scraped their hands so you would kiss the top of their heads even though you were the same age or younger than they were."

It made her lips twitch.

"My mother always used to do that for me when I got hurt and it always worked."

His throaty sound, laughter and pain and on instinct she turned her face, already buried in his soft hair and pressed a kiss to him, catching the tip of his ear. His arms around her tightened a little more and his fingers pressed into her skin where they were spread. She realized that somehow her shirt must have shifted because one of his hands was spread against the bare skin of her back. It made her shiver despite trying not to and in response his fingers spread to hold more of her closer.

"You used to wear your hair pinned back behind your ears," his voice was softer and she felt his breath against her throat. "Always matching barrettes. I used to think that was why you heard so much better than the other children."

Her stomach was doing those funny little flips inside her and she tried to concentrate on what he was saying instead.

If it had been anyone other than Cloud… what a compromising position she would be in…

"I don't wear my hair back now."

"Yes, you do. You tuck it behind your ears all the time. You just have wisps that fall forward against your face." His satisfied exhale and he lifted his head a bit so that his chin was against her cheekbone, fitting her more completely against him as he settled in. "It shows off your earrings and hides your throat."

"They're nice earrings," she protested softly, not really paying attention to what she was saying. Drowning in the feel of him – just for a minute, she promised herself. Let me live in only his warmth and rumbling soft voice just for another minute... "Aerith gave them to me."

"I knew they were a gift you'd gotten at the convention. You touch them whenever you're sad. I'm glad it was Aerith."

She hadn't realized she touched them and it was a little disconcerting to realize he'd not only noticed but also knew what triggered the touches.

"Who else would it be but Aerith?" she asked and he just grunted and shook his head against her, arms somehow finding a way to hold her even more completely against him.

She should protest. She knew it. If anyone walked in on them right now they'd jump to entirely the wrong conclusions. For that matter, if anyone found them both missing for too long at the same time, they'd probably jump to the wrong conclusions. And she should also go back to her siblings now that she'd made sure Cloud was all right inside. She'd taken care of things and it was time to go back and get some sleep. Tomorrow would come too soon already.

Even more – she shouldn't let herself get used to enjoying the way she felt right now…

Even if it was comfortable and warm and right all the way to her soul and safe and completing and perfect and -

And somewhere in those thoughts, feeling his deep, steady breathing against her, surrounded by his warmth and that wonderful storm smell of his – Tifa fell asleep.