Chapter 59: What If

Tifa woke up with a start, realizing before she remembered why that she shouldn't be where she was. And then Denzel made a softly protesting noise at her movement and Tifa blinked, clearing her eyes. And found herself in her own bunk with Marlene and Denzel piled in around her. She blinked again in confusion. Had she dreamed…?

No. She didn't have dreams that made that much sense. And, more intimately, she could still smell Cloud, just barely there, on her clothes. It made her smile and it made her blush at the same time.

He was apparently still guarding her reputation…

Which was just as well. If she'd found any woman other than herself in the position she'd been in last night with Cloud Strife she never would have believed it was anything but suggestive. If it had been any woman but her…

Had he ever slept that way with Cissnei?

She felt the bolt of pain and recognized it for what it was. Cissnei… his Turk guardian angel. Tifa would have liked to think badly of her, but she couldn't in honesty. The woman was torn between her heart and her job and she seemed to somehow be managing to walk a thin line between the two. She'd been honest with them and she had helped Cloud despite her orders. Tifa thought – Tifa thought the other woman had a good heart and there was little else in the world she thought was more important. So, even though she should dislike the other woman, she couldn't. Especially if Cloud loved her…

Tifa rolled over a little, careful not to dislodge Denzel and stared at the empty bunk on the other side of the room from her. Not really seeing it or Yuffie huddled up in a small sleeping ball under the covers in the bed under it.

Cloud loved her…

She knew what Aerith would say. Aerith would say she should tell Cloud how she really felt and fight for him. Except Tifa didn't quite get the concept of 'fighting for him'. If it had been a bad relationship – or if Cloud had indicated he wasn't really in love with the other woman – or if Cissnei had been a bad, or even unworthy, person – yes. But – Cissnei had so far showed herself to be faithful and good-hearted and Cloud – if she was what his heart wanted why would Tifa try to make him chose something – someone – her – who would never satisfy what he really longed for? It would be like telling Leon to fight for her. Even if he did win – neither one of them would really be happy with the end. And… Tifa wanted Cloud to be happy. Really heart-deep happy. The kind of happy he made her right in the center of her chest when she forgot he wasn't in love with her and he would do something that would make her bones go weak. She wanted him to be happy that way because she loved him. And, even more than that, because… he deserved to be happy like that. After all he'd been through – and stayed sane and good through – he deserved to be with someone that made him completely happy.

And if Tifa only felt 'completely happy' when she was with Cloud – she wanted that for him too. Even if it was with someone else and even if Tifa's 'completely happy' was never really complete because of it.

More than anything she wanted Cloud Strife to be 'completely happy'.

And, until then, she could steal little bits and pieces of her own happy with him like she had last night. She touched her lips with her fingers. She'd even imagined a barely there kiss in her sleep last night. Not a stolen one, but a secret one, one he'd given to her because… she smiled weakly against her fingertips and felt her heart hurt. Because… in her dreams… Cloud Strife was in love with her, not someone else…

One day all she'd have left were those dreams and her bits and pieces. One day Cissnei would figure out how to solve her dilemma or Cloud would and they'd get their 'completely happy'. Tifa just hoped it was somewhere far away from wherever she was living by then. That things had been settled and fixed and Cloud wouldn't need her by his side anymore. She could want him to be happy with someone else.

She just didn't want to have to see it.

And somehow, instead of making her more susceptible to wanting to try to make things work with Leon, it just made her all the more determined to keep her life the way it was now. With her family and friends the center of her world and content to be alone. Better to be the way she was now, than to be with someone else and always wishing they were Cloud.

It wasn't a depressing thought. It was more a reassuring and calming one. She really was going to be all right in the end. Her life really would work out and she wouldn't really be alone. She had too many people that loved her.

Inhaling, emotions settled in her head, she carefully unwound herself from her sister and brother, not wanting to wake them yet. Aerith was still asleep above her and she thought her friend probably needed the rest after the shocks she'd had last night. Careful not to make noise in the dark, Tifa changed and after a quick stop in the bathroom to get herself ready for the day, silently wandered down to the galley to start making coffee. It was early yet but Tifa felt rested and ready for whatever was coming next.

She was surprised to find Shera already awake and sitting at one of the tables with a mug of cooling tea in her hands and Red near her feet. Tifa gave the tea an eyebrow quirk on the way past and then started moving around in the kitchen area. The slow smell of the coffee drip seemed to wake Shera out of wherever her mind had been and she got up and walked over with a smile to dump what was left of her tea in the sink. Red had already given Tifa his slow blink of greeting but he otherwise stayed where he was.

"Are you making breakfast?" the smaller woman asked and Tifa nodded. Shera nodded in response and then slowly asked:

"Making… pancakes?"

The hopeful tone had Tifa laughing and she started sorting through the cabinets.

"Why not? If I can find the right ingredients."

"Tell me what you need," Shera grinned. "I'll help you find it."

In short order, Tifa was whipping up the batter and Shera was pulling out the largest frying pan she could find.

"I can cook," Shera admitted. "But I like it when you cook more."

Tifa laughed again and tilted her head.

"I like cooking," she answered. "It makes me feel creative because I've got absolutely no skill whatsoever with colored pencils or paint."

Shera set the frying pan on a burner and without looking over suddenly asked softly:

"How do you do it? Make men fall in love with you?"

"I – what?" Tifa almost dropped the bowl she was holding and Shera shrugged, fiddling with the dials on the stovetop.

"Well, Leon's in love with you and so is Cloud and I think Zack and maybe Barrett too. So… you must have some kind of secret and I thought… maybe you'd share?" the other woman looked over at Tifa with the last and her face was so heartbroken and so hopeless that Tifa forgot about disagreeing and instead, barely managed to set down the bowl before she pulled the smaller woman into her arms. Shera's own arms came around her tightly and the little woman started to quietly cry.

"He doesn't love me… I thought – I thought I could be okay with that… but – he doesn't love me and I – and it hurts. It hurts so much. I know I'm not his dream but – "

"Shhhh" Tifa held the other woman the way she would have held Marlene, letting her cry while she stroked her hair and thought evil things about the man flying the ship they were in. Evil things she hoped only came to pass after he'd landed.

"I want him to love me…" Shera's voice came out soft and hopeless as the quick storm of tears started to pass. "I do. And I know it's stupid. But I do."

Tifa felt her own heart break just a little and she held Shera a little tighter against her.

"I know," she whispered. "I do."

The galley door opened and Zack started to step in with a jaunty smile. His eyes widened when he saw what was going on though and even before Tifa had a chance to give him a glare, he was holding up his hands and then setting a finger to his lips. He met her eyes and she was surprised to see, instead of blind panic, the clueless offer of help. It made her smile but she shook her head and Zack slipped out as quietly as he'd come in, the door shutting silently behind him. Tifa suspected Zack was outside standing guard.

No. Zack didn't love her. But he was an amazing friend.

"Cid does care about you, Shera," she finally murmured as the other woman quieted against her and Shera shook her head. Tifa drew back enough to cup the other woman's chin and look down at her.

"Yes. He does. I saw his face when he thought you were dying. He looked like he was the one that had been gutted. He sat by you the entire time, even fell asleep that way. He hovered even worse than Leon."

"But – he's been even worse than usual since then," Shera protested and Tifa gave her a soft smile.

"Have you ever thought – it's guilt?"

The other woman apparently hadn't and it surprised her enough that Tifa could lead her over to the table and sit down with her across from it. Red stayed quiet and still so he didn't distract anyone. Tifa was only guessing – but she had been a bartender and observer of human nature for enough years that her guesses were pretty accurate most times. Not perfect, mind you, but she didn't think she was horribly misjudging things with Cid and Shera.

"He let you get hurt, Shera."

"No he di-"

"He thinks he let you get hurt. That he didn't protect you. It's the way people feel for teammates but its worse for him because he really does care about you and men want to protect women they care about. He was right next to you in that reactor and even though he couldn't do anything – he still feels like he should have. He's been feeling guilty about it – and you're not being angry at him the way he's been angry at you all this time for something he knows you feel guilty about. Which means he's been a bastard all this time, which he knew, but because you're not being just as horrible back to him now that he's done something terrible to you by letting you get hurt – he's having to deal with the fact that maybe he didn't have to be a bastard after all. And I don't think Cid likes dealing with that kind of thing."

Shera stared at her with an open mouth. With a little smile, Tifa reached over to touch the bottom of her chin and pop her mouth shut.

"You have the luckiest sister in the world," Shera stated with a blink and Tifa laughed, standing up to move back into the kitchen.

"Not in that area. I've taught Marlene to punch boys that show an interest in her," Tifa chuckled as she started pouring batter into the pan.

"Does it work?" Shera asked, working her way carefully out of the aftermath of her tears and Tifa shook her head. Red shifted to rest his chin on top of the woman's shoes, giving his silent support and it made her smile wetly.

"Only about half the time. It encourages them the other half. That's when I have Barrett threaten them."

It did drag a muffled laugh out of the smaller woman then and she took off her glasses to clean them on the hem of her shirt.

"So, do you think I should punch Cid?" Shera manage to joke and Tifa looked over at her calmly.

"Oh yeah."

Shera coughed a laugh and then looked at Tifa with larger eyes.

"You really mean that?"

"Oh. Yeah." Tifa stated as she efficiently flipped pancakes. Then she chuckled as she reached for a plate. "But I only point out what I see. I don't give relationship advice. Bar tenders aren't allowed to."

Shera drifted back into the kitchen and started setting out plates and silverware in stacks. Thoughtful. Red came as well and sat calmly near Tifa's feet. He was being supportive… and just happening to remind her he was there for breakfast and happened to like pancakes too. It made her smile and Tifa continued to make pancakes, crisping the edges of some of them for Barrett.

"I didn't mean – " Shera hesitated. "I didn't mean to be offensive. When I said all the guys loved you."

Tifa exhaled a laugh and flipped a pancake.

"You weren't. They don't. They just like me. Huge difference that doesn't always look as big as it really is."

"Leon really does love you," Shera moved to stand in front of Tifa on the other side of the stove. "I've never seen him the way around a woman he is around you. Not since…"

"I don't need her name," Tifa told her softly.

"Because you don't want to know or you don't need to?" Shera asked insightfully and Tifa gave her a long look.

"Weren't we dealing with you?" she asked and Shera sat back down at the table and wrapped her hands back around her coffee mug.

"Nope. You refused to give me advice. So now we're talking about you." She looked at Tifa through her glasses and Tifa suddenly wondered if that's the way the engines Shera had once worked on had ever felt. "It's Cloud, isn't it?"

"It's not Cloud," Tifa answered, pouring more batter. Even though it was Cloud. Just… not the way Shera thought.

"Sure it is," Shera replied, taking a sip of her drink and looking contemplative. "Because Leon's amazing and no girl that wasn't already involved with someone would turn him down." She ignored Tifa's headshake.

"You and Cloud are like sunshine and shadows. If you find one, the other's going to show up eventually. I thought he was going to kill Leon when he kissed you in Wutai."

Tifa had to concentrate to keep from making a face. Having known that the conversation was eventually going to get back to that. The… kiss.

"Cloud's very protective," she answered calmly and used up the last of the batter, scraping the bowl to get it all.

"That's… one word for it," Shera managed from her chair and Tifa knocked the batter off the spoon.

"Don't," she warned and Shera looked at her in surprise. Tifa slanted the other woman a look.

"I can almost see the gears in your head grinding," Tifa told her with a smile. "I'm not an engine that needs to be fixed or have tests run to see what it does. Everything's fine and I don't want you doing anything to change that."

Shera let out a laughing sigh.

"Am I really that obvious?" she asked and Tifa chuckled.

"Only to someone that's lived with my evil plotting siblings as long as I have. Now why don't you tell Zack it's okay to let everyone in before they mutiny and run him over because they smell pancakes?"

.

just a little note - next week is Nibelheim. I had a little too much fun there.