Edward's behaviour in early 2006 as referenced below comes from HaemophilusLeona's story Saudade here on FF.
Reference to Edward leaving and returning in 1931 comes from Tale of Years:1927 and Tale of Years:1931 by Jessica314 here in FF.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated: 23 Dec 2017)
Chapter 2: Broadcast Issues
Once I had settled in, Alice found me and dragged me to the living room. Jasper was in his nook clearly giving us time together, which was thoughtful and kind of him.
"I saw your decision to return, but I purposefully didn't look otherwise," she told me her expression open and earnest.
Putting my hand on her cheeks, I told her, "I'm proud of you, and us deciding to come back isn't something that you could avoid seeing, since it directly impacts you and Jasper." Modulating my voice to convey my pride in her, I told her sincerely, "I'm so impressed at your hard work, Alice."
She beamed at my praise.
"Has it been worth it?" I asked quietly in case she didn't want Jasper to hear her response.
"Mostly yes, but sometimes it's tough, and it's getting worse," she stated irritated her voice ringing clear.
"What is?" I asked concerned at a normal pitch trying to catch up with her.
"The inference," she stated in her frustrated tone that she has at times when others aren't on the same page as her, which I suspected was why she appreciated and valued Edward so much. "Because I've been waiting for Bella to decide about the letter, it's been harder to block out her other decisions," she stated in her tone that suggested that this should have been clear to me. Then she added, "I was actually looking forward to seeing her more as a result, except, she's almost completely gone at times," her tone sad containing great concern.
"Describe gone," I requested patiently.
"Like I was telling you before in Newfoundland," she stated aggravated.
"So there's nothing new?" I checked.
"Not new per say," she answered with a slight annoyance.
Ignoring whatever was causing Alice's upset for the moment, I pondered what she had told me before. "Any guesses yet as to its cause?"
"No," she replied unequivocally. "Last week she decided to go to the movies with some friends. They'll go tomorrow evening after school," she told me as if these yet-to-be events were already true.
"We didn't agree that you would start looking again, Alice," I warned her.
"I'm not searching, promise, Esme," she defended herself.
"I'd like to talk to Carlisle, but he'll probably work a twenty-four or thirty-six hour shift since he has been away for so long. I have an idea, but let me check in with him first," I let her know.
"Okay," she grumbled and then without missing a beat asked, "How was Newfoundland?"
Smiling at her, appreciation at having her presence filled me. "It was exactly what we needed, Alice." After taking a second to collect my thoughts I added, "It's probably been a long time coming, but this last year has strained us all, and possibly none more than Carlisle and I."
After a moment of thought she asked, "Because of the parallels?"
"Yes," I agreed, "it put us seeing things from opposing perspectives."
"Edward can be like Carlisle at times," she noted in an almost absentminded tone.
"I think Carlisle was pulled to changing someone similar to himself," I whispered conspiratorially.
"That makes sense, but Edward's age when he was turned makes him more volatile than Carlisle," she hypothesized.
"Just more likely to see the world in black and white," I corrected her. "Carlisle sees the world in more grey. Carlisle was nearly middle-aged at the time when he was turned, on the edge of having proven himself and becoming an established pillar of society. Edward wasn't yet quite considered a man, and had been heavily sheltered. There's a big difference between those two things, even if there is technically only seven years between them."
"I can see that," she mused, then her tone changed completely again. "Enough of that," she insisted. "We need to paint your nails. Can I pick the movie?"
"Yes and yes."
I texted Carlisle Have a question for you when you can spare a moment.
Three movies later, all twenty nails painted, Alice's painted, and my hair in some fancy updo Carlisle rung. Pausing the movie, I went to my room for some privacy.
"How are you?" I asked softly.
"It's rewarding to be working," he answered.
"I'm glad. I have a formal request," I stated using our code between us that I wasn't asking as his wife, but was asking something on behalf of our group.
"Go ahead," he told me.
"Alice is having a harder time than before with her vision and I was thinking of asking her to do the exact exercise thing we had told her not to do just this once to see if it would help her. There might be an opportunity to see how it would go later in today's evening. What would be your thoughts?"
"I'm hesitant," he stated. "Is this vital?"
"No, she is merely frustrated," I informed him. "You know how much it bothers her."
"Then, the answer is no. We're not all together. This is a joint decision."
Reflecting I considered his response. "You are wise, Dr. Cullen. Yes, I agree. I had been focused on aiding Alice."
"That makes perfect sense. You are a mother." He paused briefly and then added, "I have no idea when I will leave."
"I assumed as much. Nevertheless, I will be glad to see you when you arrive home."
"I miss you already," he said with longing.
"And I you," I concurred.
"I've got to go, love," he told me clearly reluctant to get off the phone.
"Go and do your best, Carlisle. That is the most anyone expects–your best in the circumstances you have been given."
"Yes, you're right, my love. Thank you for the reminder. Love you."
"As I you," I whispered to him the confidence from our time in Newfoundland coming through clearly.
He was gone.
Standing in my room, I wished there was some other way that I could help Alice.
Coming downstairs pondering what Alice had said about her visions, I tried to find another solution than having her go against our vote of not using her gift to seek out Bella's future.
Finding her as I had left her, an idea came to me. So I inquired, "Alice would it be possible for you to describe all the visions you've received regarding Bella to me since you mailed the letter."
"Now or after the movie?" she questioned.
"Do you need to primp me more?" I asked her smiling.
She smiled back. "No, I'm good."
"You ready to tell them to me now, then?" I wondered wanting to make sure she felt comfortable, as I doubted that it would be an easy subject.
"Yes," she agreed quickly, but subdued.
"Then now please," I told her hoping to convey my care for her and support of her through my tone.
Jasper came down from their room, no doubt as a result from whatever mood my offer had altered in Alice, and settled into the couch next to her, while I sat in an armchair.
"So, I would have to assume Bella wasn't really making many decisions after I mailed the letter since nothing from her registered until she decided to open it," Alice began at her regular rapid fire, "not even going to school, things at work, or collecting the mail. It kind of reminds me of Edward and him purposefully not making decisions, as if she were acting without deciding, but I don't think she would be doing that on purpose like him. Since we talked about it at the family yearly conference, I've been spending a lot of time evaluating the bits of information I do have from Bella. Jazz's been helping, and your questions help a lot. Jazz can pick up a lot from when I'm having the visions, and you can't. So, in a way your questions are fresh while Jazz and I are more immersed in what's going on."
"You know Carlisle might be even better at this kind of thing," I pointed out gently.
"Yes, he's better at puzzles, as good as Jasper really, maybe even has a slight advantage since he's very knowledgeable, but it's your gift to see into the heart of things is what I need for now," she explained sweetly even though she was frowning in contemplation.
Smiling in encouragement, grateful she had been honest I told her, "I'm happy to help."
She nodded briefly before continuing in her regular quick pace. "So, after some work Jazz and I concluded that there are actually two different things happening, sometimes separately, sometimes together. Like around the letter, I don't get anything from her, not even deciding what to eat for dinner, it's all done by rote. It's like her channel's not broadcasting. Then there's also interference, something that makes it snowy like the channel's broadcasting, but something is affecting the channel." She stopped and looked at me questioning.
"Your analogy makes perfect sense to me, Alice," I told her in support.
"As a result of her not broadcasting I have no idea how many days she had the letter before she made her decision to read it." Alice paused and closed her eyes. "She's sitting on her bed looking at the envelope turning it over. There isn't a thing in her room. I don't see any books, a CD player, frames, anything, nothing but a bed, her table, and her computer. She looks weary of it like somehow the letter might bite her, but she's also slightly curious. Her appearance is gaunt and even paler than before. Her hair is duller than usual, her jeans are frayed at the ends, and her socks have holes in the arches. It's like she doesn't notice or see anything except the letter.
"Her body is hunched over. The vision is without distortions. She gently and carefully opens the letter holding her body taut. She takes the letter out, reads it, reads it again, and again and again. Then she looks up at the clock, sighs, folds the letter back into the envelope, slips it between the mattress and the box springs, and then goes to shower, at which point I tuned out to give her privacy.
"Then nothing until I saw her decide to ask Jessica to the movies. Jessica looks at her in shock like she didn't even know that Bella knew how to speak, but agrees to go. It kind of faded out at that point. Not like interference, but like her channel wasn't broadcasting strongly. I didn't receive anything else until I saw Bella in front of a house talking to someone about some bikes. I saw the bikes being put into the back of her truck, then her driving to someone else's house. Once she gets to the second house, interference comes in. It spotty, but I'd guess that she convinced someone to fix the bikes."
I gasped.
Alice opened her eyes and looked at me sadly.
"I apologise, Alice. It just shocked me."
"It's okay. It did me as well. What is that girl thinking?" Alice stated exasperated.
"She's most likely managing the best she knows how," I mused. "Edward did always complain that she was a magnet for danger." Frowning I wished that I understood what was happening to this human girl that mattered so greatly to our family.
Alice just nodded and closed her eyes again. "I got flashes, which were strange in their content and that I couldn't make sense of, and then nothing concrete has come. She might have gone to find our house. That one is a distinct possibility. The semi-firm one is when I see Bella on a motorbike riding it and then crashing. At least that's what I think happened. The interference was worse in that one."
"Was she with anyone?" I wondered my dismay of imagining Bella on a bike apparent.
Alice opened her eyes again and sat thinking.
"It's like the previous one with interference. There's an outline of someone, so I'd say yes, but I can't see him or her clearly enough to give you any helpful information, even though I'm tuned into Bella."
"Has that happened before?" I pondered.
"In terms of a channel not broadcasting or broadcasting dimly it has been occurring more recently with Edward. He'll make a decision and then move so fast I can't see clearly what's happening. But in his case, I believe that he's doing things in a purposeful manner so that I can't see. Even though my lack of clarity is the same, how it looks when its interference has a different tone to it. And that's only coming from Bella."
After taking that in I realised that just like when Carlisle had interrupted my telling, my questions had created more questions than answers, answers that she would probably give me if I simply allowed her to continue. "I apologise again, Alice, for interrupting," I let her know.
"It's okay, really," she told me as she closed her eyes again. "There were some flashes that were probably things where she made a decision about and then shortly after changed her mind. There wasn't anything that came through again until the thirteenth when she decided to go to the movies with Mike and some others, except whom and how many showed up kept changing. Her conversation with Mike I could see decently, not as clearly as before we left, but probably the best I've seen her since we sent the letter. It cleared up a little more as if she was slightly firmer on her decision to attend the event, but then she asked someone else to go. I'm not sure how, but it seemed like her offer impacted her time at the movies making it distorted by interference that was too strong to tell you what is likely to happen. If the plans hold and she doesn't change her mind, the movie is tonight."
After waiting what seemed to be a reasonable amount of time and it seeming like Alice wasn't going to say anything more I verified, "So the interference is worsening?"
"When I get something, uh-huh," she confirmed clearly frustrated.
"But the broadcast problems are about the same?" I checked.
"Actually a little better since the thirteenth, but the clarity I usually saw Bella with isn't back completely. I suspect that once the actions of this decision are carried through she will stop broadcasting again."
I nodded thinking to myself. When no clarity came to mind I asked, "Jasper, do you have anything to add?" looking his way.
He gazed at me appearing surprised that I would ask.
I had to wonder if no one had before asked him to voice his opinion regarding Alice's visions as Edward and she usually worked in concert. But he was her mate and with his gift I had figured he might have something.
"No, ma'am," he informed me a smile tugging at the edges of his lips.
His reply was curious, probably indicating that he had nothing to add to the topic of the distortions. Jasper was often tight-lipped and literal, but I saw no reason to push him. "All right, in that case would you be willing to let me know if Alice gets one later today?"
He looked at Alice who nodded at him.
"Yes, Esme, I could do that," he let me know.
"Do you have any theories, Jasper?" I asked him stressing the word theories.
"Nothing helpful," he stated in a brisk military tone, and then his features changed. "I've tried to get her to relax and just let things be, but she's pretty anxious about Bella," he told me in the tone I knew meant he was worried about her. He kissed Alice on the top of her head.
She smiled back at him grimly. "I just want to fix things now that I have a chance," she muttered.
I couldn't contain my smile and Jasper had obviously picked up on my amusement. "Alice, dear, would you mind if I told you what I told my darling Carlisle not too long ago?"
She looked at me curiously her face full of hope. "No, I wouldn't mind. Please, go ahead."
"Do your best in the moment and then let it go. After your best, all you can do is hope and have faith."
"Humph," was her response while Jasper looked like he was trying to contain his mirth.
"You are a wise woman, Esme," Jasper said seriously obviously holding himself in.
"Why, thank you, Jasper," I told him while smiling at him.
"You're only saying that because that's almost exactly what you told me," Alice grumbled.
"Why, June bug, that would have nothing to do with it," he told her in a light-hearted tone as he appeared to be desperately trying not to laugh.
"Humph," was Alice's response.
Turning to Jasper I asked him, "How are you doing since New Years?"
He pondered his answer before replying, while I sat still waiting.
"The analogy is poor, but things have taken on a similar disorientating feeling comparable to when we showed up in 1950." His continence changed and he looked reflective. "When Alice first suggested the animal diet I was willing to try, so I did it for me and for her. And for those years she talked about you guys as if she already knew you'll, but her descriptions sounded impossible. My mind could not conceive of our kind living as a family. Then we came and I had to re-evaluate everything I had held as truth. Your story has done the same. I heard your words and I felt you as you went through the telling. When I take those things and how you were before Newfoundland my mind is certain that you are speaking the truth. But accepting it, fully accepting it, means letting go of my old beliefs and that is harder said than done."
Alice kept touching him in reassurance.
"It's hard to let go of the old," I agreed.
"Yes, it is," he concurred.
"Can I confess something to you Jasper?"
He nodded his head for me to go ahead.
"When I first came to I was angry at my husband for not being the Carlisle in my imagining. Logically that is utterly ridiculous, but the emotions were very true. You have an incredible gift, Jasper, but that doesn't make you the expert on your own internal world. I know you work at remaining calm and centred at all times because of your gift. I hope that while we were gone that you began to address the emotional repercussions to your worldview being upended."
He held my gaze as he answered, "A little ma'am."
Taking a deep breath bringing them both into me I considering how to word what I wished to tell him. "Jasper, my husband, the leader of this family, is struggling, your wife is struggling, Rosalie is struggling, Emmett, God bless him, just rolls with the punches but is being challenged as well, and I, too, am not completely recovered. Just as we all need Carlisle to be the best version of himself, we need you.
"I suspect that things are going to get more complicated moving forward and that's not even considering how things will go when Edward gets back. Our family needs you to sort yourself out entirely, rework your worldview, sort through your own reactions, and be on your top game. You are a great tactician, Jasper, but all of us have blind spots unless we take care of our own inner world.
"I know you are a fan of Sun Tzu, so I will use his words to convey this in another way. 'If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.' We, as a unit, are at our weakest. We each are coming to know ourselves in a new way. We need you."
He watched me carefully probably gauging my words with his gift. "Yes ma'am," he told me as if I had given him a command and then he lowered his gaze contemplatively.
The honour and respect he had given me was incredible. He was not of my venom or Carlisle's. He had no reason to treat me as he had. His willingness to do so caused me to be impressed with him to an even greater degree. He was the fiercest warrior in our family and yet chose to submit himself. The strength that took was astounding.
Jasper obviously needed time to think about what I had just said, so I turned back to Alice telling her, "If it's all right, I think I shall go work on my project. My ideas for this house never did make it very far."
She looked up at me her shoulders slumping. "Of course, Esme. Thank you for trying to help me."
"Anytime, dear, anytime. Try not to worry. The answers will come. They just might not arrive when you want them to."
She nodded and curled herself into Jasper's lap and closed her eyes. By her look she was watching Rosalie and Emmett.
Travelling to my space, I sat at my designing table, but my mind wondered. I couldn't help thinking of Bella and all that Alice had shared. The mother bear in me wanted to rush back to Forks and wrap her in my arms and keep her safe from whatever was causing the issues in Alice's visions. I tired to imagine what might be causing Bella to make the choices I had heard Alice describe. Doing so only brought me pain. Instead, I imagined what Carlisle would have said to Bella if he had been the one patching her up from a motorcycle accident.
"Esme," I heard Jasper call.
Going downstairs I watched as Alice's face contorted. It didn't take long before Alice came out of it.
"She decided to go. I can see Mike deciding to get into the car and go clearly, but not Bella. The interference doesn't allow me to see how she will get there, although the emotional charge in the vision feels like Bella, so I'm almost certain she's going. It looked like Mike meets up with her, but then Mike also gains interference sometime before getting into the movie. Some time goes by, but I can't tell you how much, and then Bella disappeared entirely as if the interference wiped her out." Her tone was robotic.
"What's got you so worried, June bug?" Jasper asked calmly and softly.
"She disappeared, Jazz. Gone just like that," she stated tremendously grieved. Then Alice started shaking.
Jasper rubbed her arms and back in slow circular motions.
"I know I promised, Esme. I know. But I have to know that she's all right."
"Did she seem like she was in any danger?" I asked softly with some hesitation.
"No," she answered unusually slowly as if reluctant to do so.
"Hope and faith, Alice. If she's not in any danger, then we will have faith that she is physically well and hope that she will make a decision soon that will allow you to have the confirmation you need."
"Fine," she seethed between clenched teeth.
"Alice?" I called to her.
She didn't respond.
"Alice? Please, dear," I requested.
She looked over at me reluctantly and slightly petulantly.
"Remember what I said about lessons. They're not always easy," I reminded her soothingly. "Actually they're usually quite difficult."
"I know," she whined. "I don't like this."
"I suspect you won't," I confirmed. "It's not meant to be comfortable, Alice."
"I remember," she responded softer.
"Could you tell me, Jasper, what you pick up from Alice when she has a vision?" I questioned him.
"Her emotional reaction to whatever she sees," he replied.
"And when I was imagining?" I wondered.
"Something akin to you living in what you were seeing rather than responding to it," he answered.
I nodded thoughtfully. This meant that Jasper's gift couldn't tell us if the interference was a true danger or not, just that it frightened Alice.
The three of us sat still as many minutes went passed. Eventually Alice turned to Jasper telling him, "I need to hunt."
He nodded at her, put down his book, they stood up together, and he nodded in his southern departure way at me before running out with her.
I could only hope that she would keep to her promise and not be too tempted. I went back to my project, but made little progress on it, as I found my thoughts continuously being brought back to my time with Carlisle these past months, the state of our family generally, where Edward might be, and what was happening with Bella. There were so many missing pieces. It felt some ways like the continental drift, as if we were going further and further from one another, but I knew the analogy was not sound.
When Edward had left to hunt humans, one day he had been living with us, the next day he had been gone. One day it had just been Carlisle and I together grieving and hoping, and the next day Edward had been standing between trees looking afraid and sheepish. It really wasn't a drift at all. It had taken time to mend the bridges between us and to feel like a family again. Just like before, all that it would take was him choosing to return home, and our family would look different again. I could rest in the knowledge of our love for one another and that our love was strong enough to bring us back together once more. With that thought I was finally able to get back to work.
Carlisle returned Sunday early afternoon. Alice and Jasper still hadn't come back from hunting, so we took advantage of the opportunity it gave us. It was Monday late morning by the time I felt like talking.
"How was it to be back?" I asked Carlisle while we lay in bed him curled up around me, my back pressing onto his stomach.
"It was good to have fixable problems, or at least problems that I could improve," he admitted solemnly.
"Did you have any tough cases?" I wondered, something I often asked.
"There was a little boy and there was scant that could be done for him. It was unfortunate, but nothing out of the ordinary. Medicine doesn't have the answers to everything. I leave that to my amazing wife." I could feel his light laughter.
I turned around in his arms, so that I was facing him, putting my hands on his chest. "Please, love, don't put me on a pedestal. I am just as flawed as you. In fact I barely got any work on the house design done because I couldn't stop thinking about Bella."
"Worrying?"
"Yes, a little. More trying to understand what's happening to her," I explained.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"You should talk to Alice," I encouraged him. "I'd like to be there when you do."
"Alice's visions of Bella?" he checked.
"Yes, both in regards to what's been happening in Alice's visions and the qualities of her visions."
"Hope and faith, love," he reminded me.
I let out a breath and then took his scent in. "Easier said than done some days," I confided.
"You're telling me," Carlisle replied heavily. After a few minutes had passes he asked, "Where is Alice anyway?"
"Her and Jasper went out to hunt, but knowing her she would see our decision to talk to her and return home. Jasper also has class tomorrow."
"I have to work again," he informed me.
"For how long?" I asked.
"Probably as long as they can legally get away with," he replied.
Nodding I had expected the answer.
We stayed in bed wrapped around each other until we heard Alice and Jasper approaching. We looked at each other, giggled at how we were thinking the same thing, got dressed, and went downstairs to find them both.
"She decided to write us back!" Alice exclaimed startling me.
Both Carlisle and I beamed.
Finally, ran through my head. The waiting had been challenging, but it had been what we had all agreed.
"That's great news," Carlisle said easily as if she had just said there was a thunderstorm to play ball. His tone gave no indication of his emotional state other than being pleased with the news. "Do you know more?"
"Yes, she–"
I cut her off. "Alice, dear, before you go into that, I was really hoping you could tell Carlisle all that you told me from the point that we sent the letter."
She looked disappointed, but willing.
Each couple took a sofa and Alice repeated what she had told me with a few more descriptions peppered through. "I didn't look, promise, Esme," she stated right after she had told about Bella's decision to go to the movies.
I smiled proudly at her.
She smiled proudly back.
"Unless there's more, please go ahead and tell us what you just saw," Carlisle stated clearly deep in thought.
"So, we were hunting when I started getting the flashes again like she was making a decision, but changing her mind before it could solidify. There was no interference, but it was hard to tune into. I tried not to press it and just let it come. Then something cleared. I'm not sure what, but I could see her as well as I had before we left. She was sitting in her bed again in her sleepwear. Seriously, a shirt with holes in it and sweats that don't stay up, how are those clothes? I just don't get it," she grumbled.
Carlisle and I raised our eyebrows.
"Yeah, sorry," Alice said sheepishly before returning to her vision telling tone. "So, she's staring at the letter and she huffs, but then she stands up and goes over to her desk. She takes out some lined paper and begins to write. I can't tell exactly what she put down, as she didn't really decide what to say apart from Dear Esme at the top. She also put the date. It was today's date, but I don't have a time. Sorry. I also am not sure yet if she's going to mail it," she started sounding down once more.
"We'll just have to hope that she follows through and sends it, and have faith that it will arrive," I said gently.
"Yeah, yeah," Alice grumbled. She turned and looked at Carlisle. "Do we tell Rose and Emmett?"
He thought for a moment. "Yes, we should, but there's no reason for them to come home yet. Once Bella mails it and it arrives, depending on what it says, then maybe they should interrupt their journey. She could very well politely tell us to not contact her again."
"I wouldn't think so," Alice stated hopefully.
"Why's that?" Carlisle asked curiously.
"Because Bella doesn't like conflict. If she didn't want contact with us, she would ignore us. If she's writing, then that means she wants some form of connection." She sounded incredibly jubilant and hopeful by the end.
I looked at Jasper concerned that Alice might be projecting what she wanted into the future rather than facing reality.
He just shrugged his shoulders.
So, I let it go.
"I have some questions about the visions, Alice, if I may," Carlisle interjected.
"Sure, go ahead. I'd like to figure out what's going on," Alice encouraged.
"First the times when the broadcast is poor, could you describe that sensation?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Hum. Well. Let's say you're at work and you make a decision to do the surgery on the kid."
He nodded for her to continue.
"So, that comes in because I'm tuned into each of you closely. As soon it comes in I can, like, change the channel, so I don't have to watch you cut open some person."
Grimacing I wouldn't want to see those images. I wasn't sure how she managed it.
"You make decisions all day, throughout the day, and eventually after a bit, my brain knows that I'm not interested in that channel for now. So, it moves past it quickly, but if I wanted I could catch it." She looked up to the ceiling clearly contemplating.
"Rosalie makes lots of choices in the day. Emmett hardly makes any. Jasper makes few, but if he does they're significant because he chooses things on purpose. Esme doesn't make many choices, and usually the decisions she makes are minor. You make lots of decisions at work and few here. When you're home the decisions made are usually made together. Edward is more like Rosalie generally, but through the decades he had become more like Jasper. Then when Bella came into our lives he was worse than anyone, making tons of decisions and then changing his mind. It was disorientating. But now it's like he's not making any choices. It's like he's floating through, not really engaging in life enough to make a decision, although there have been fleeting decisions since he started tracking Victoria."
"So, his lack of choices makes him difficult to tune into?" Carlisle verified.
"You could put it that way," she confirmed
"How is that different from the interference?" he questioned.
"Broadcasting issues are something like she's just going through the motions, but it seems since the letter arrived that there are these moments where she comes out of that funk and is choosing again. It doesn't last, though."
"So each flash you saw you think was viewable because she had come out of her poor disposition, but then once it was complete she went back into it?" he checked.
"Maybe not completely, as it's getting a little better each time in between, but enough to make it hard for me," she tried to explain.
We each sat reflection on what she had described.
Jasper unexpectedly was the first to speak. "If Edward was a human, I think he would have been diagnosed as having severe depression. That's what I told Alice while we were hunting, anyway," he added a bit quieter.
"Are you hypothesizing that depression might be causing the difficulty in Alice tuning into someone, Jasper?" Carlisle asked intrigued by the idea.
He shrugged. "It's all hypothetical. In theory vampires can't be depressed, but then before Esme's story I didn't think that newborns could forget to be thirsty." He shrugged again.
"We can become an equivalent of depressed, Jasper, for sure." Carlisle was unequivocal in his tone. He looked at each of us in warning. It was the look he gave when whatever he was about to say shouldn't be repeated afterwards.
We all nodded in agreement.
"When I lived with the Volturi I met a vampire there who was one of the oldest of us and who would fit the human definition of depression. He lived in a constant state of immense sadness, he sat every day barely moving, barely being involved in things, and seemed to take no enjoyment out of anything including feeding. He exists, but without much in the way of feelings, and I'd argue he is in a constant state of hopelessness."
My mouth gaped open, as did Alice's. Jasper's face looked contemplative with his lips forming a tight line.
"What happened to him?" Alice asked suddenly and then looked like she regretted it. "Sorry, Carlisle. I shouldn't have asked."
Jasper looked pensive. "He lost his mate," Jasper whispered like a light breeze.
Carlisle's eyes narrowed.
"I told you that day, Carlisle, that they were mated," Jasper stated definitively. "It was the only reasonable explanation to Edward's emotional upheaval, even in the midst of his doubt and denial."
Carlisle looked like he had been attacked and then his face contorted into something resembling horror, which looked bizarre on him. "I'm so sorry," he began muttering as if he had forgotten that we were all sitting there with him. "I should have listened. I didn't believe," he started and then cut himself off. His eyes looked like he was putting pieces together, and then he randomly uttered, "that could happen with a human," before he stopped speaking again.
We all waited to allow him to gather himself.
When he did speak once more he was distraught. Turning to Jasper he said, "I know you stated your opinion on this, and I did hear you. I did, but somehow the true cost to Edward, to our family of losing Bella, if they are indeed mated, just hit me in speaking about the member of the Volturi. You were right."
My emotions were all over the place. I was grateful that he had seen this; that he had finally seen what I had believed for years. With that thought and the gratitude it brought also came relief. But then the reality hit and my heart reacted as if he had stabbed me. All these years later he finally figured out that we had been meant for one another, even when I had been human. For a brief moment I was infuriated. Then I remembered my imaginings, the struggle he had gone through, and how nobly he had wanted to do the right thing.
I reached for him and wrapped my hands along the sides of his face drawing him to look at me. "You did the best you knew how in the situation. What done is done," I told him willing him to hear me. "Lesson learned. Humans and vampires can be mated. Now you know."
Jasper's eyes were discretely not looking at us, but his lips were tight and I could sense the probing of his gift as if it were cutting off a sample of my emotions and categorizing them. Accompanied with the feeling of being a science experience was the sense of my trust being breached. As soon as I had felt the sense of infringement, the probing sensation had withdrawn to be replaced with care, compassion, tenderness, and comfort with a hint of a feeling that only could be described as an apology tinged with regret. Like painting each colour could be named, but the combination created something intangibly unique. I began to understand why Jasper and Alice argued in stares, they were communicating in this tapestry that only Jasper could make.
Carlisle recovered from his state quickly looking into my eyes with deep sorrow, and then pushed it aside coming back to the leader we needed. Him and I would discuss what he was setting aside later.
He relaxed into himself, so I moved back to where I had been before on the couch next to him. "I apologise Jasper," Carlisle stated authentically.
Jasper waved his hand.
"Sincerely," Carlisle reiterated, "for not hearing you then. I should have listened, but also for my response just now. I was caught off guard. Nonetheless, thank you for sharing that with me. I should have never doubted your conclusions based on what you picked up from your own gift." He looked at me checking in with me.
I nodded my permission.
"I have already told Esme this, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't speak about this outside of our family. Part of why I was unable to hear you was that doing so would have required me to acknowledge that perhaps I hadn't made the best decision for Esme and I when we had first met. Esme's story forced me to re-evaluate many of my core beliefs and change them. But I have to admit Jasper that even after all of what she and I have gone through these last months I still had held my belief that vampires could not be mated to humans. This primarily has to do with my experiences of what I learned about our nature when I lived in Volterra. Your assessment was simply contrary to what I was led to believe. I sincerely apologise, Jasper. I should have trusted you over my understandings."
"Apology accepted, Carlisle," Jasper replied sincerely. "Honestly, if I had not experienced the bond, I would have vehemently disagreed with myself that day as well. But I also never could have believed before that we are capable of such a human states like depression, that we could lose time, or that we could forget our thirst. Although, now that I can see the possibility, I wonder if depression wouldn't adequately describe my last years with Maria and the ones until I found Alice," he pondered aloud.
"Thank you for your graciousness, Jasper. It is more than I deserve. You probably are on to something regarding your own past," Carlisle agreed.
Jasper nodded solemnly.
Carlisle looked at Alice. "What are your thoughts at this point regarding Jasper's hypothesis?"
"It fits," she stated firmly.
We were all lost in our thoughts about what that might mean.
"Would that mean that Bella is depressed?" I asked quietly hoping I was wrong.
Carlisle nodded gravely. "Yes, what Alice described would match that, from what I can't surmise at this point, but Jasper has studied this field of medicine more than I."
"That would be my best guess," Jasper replied evenly.
I shook my head sadly. "What did we do?" I mumbled to myself.
"We did what we thought was right at the time," Carlisle answered keeping my eye contact. His eyes shimmered knowing he was giving back to me what I had attempted to give to him.
Yes, he was right. I had done what I had thought was best at the time for the welfare of my family. Although I had been loathed to leave her, I couldn't have imagined how quickly things could change for her and I couldn't have imagined this cost. I suddenly realised that I was now in Carlisle's shoes as he had been with me. He couldn't have imagined what I had suffered, and here I was now unable to imagine what Bella was going through.
"Jasper, based on your best guess could you hypothesize what would happen to Edward if Bella were to die?" I questioned.
He pondered his answer for a long time. "Given Edward's mood swings since meeting Bella and the little Alice has shared about Edward's lack of choices and failure in tracking I could see him living his years much like the Volturi member Carlisle mentioned or even desiring death."
"Death?" I asked shocked deeply upset.
"Carlisle attempted suicide, after all, once he had learned that he had been turned into a vampire, upset with the future as he saw it. I could see the potential of Edward doing the same," he explained.
"But that would never work," I stated appalled at the idea.
Jasper looked immeasurable sad as he said, "With Maria there were newborns, that instead of being angry or scared would be sad. When the battle came they were always in pieces and burned. It's not that hard, Esme. If someone wants to die, they will find a way. He would only need to provoke someone and not protect himself adequately."
The idea of losing Edward rocked me to the core. I had lost one son; I couldn't lose another.
Immediately Carlisle wrapped his arms around me while simultaneously I felt Jasper's gift at work taking from me some of my fear and giving me courage.
"If Edward gets his way and she wants nothing to do with us, then he'll be miserable or dead," I lamented.
"Thus one of many reasons I voted no," Jasper stated softly. "You love deeply, Esme, and I would hate for Edward's choices to harm you." He didn't need to add that he would have a hard time remaining a part of our family in that climate.
For the first time I began to see the full scale of what we were risking.
After I had calmed down completely, I faced Jasper and asked him, "Did you know at the vote?"
"No," he admitted. "It has only been with the consideration that we could become depressed and the cost we pay for losing our mates that I realised what might happen to Edward, and to us all by default, if she rejects him."
Narrowing my eyes at him, I suspected that he would be willing to go to Forks, stage her death, and bring her to us against her will in order to avoid the consequences of that option. He would do anything, literally anything. There was no line moral or otherwise he wouldn't cross, no burden he wouldn't bear to keep Alice happy, and Bella had made Alice happy. He simply stared at me almost daring me to accuse him, to shine a light on his true nature, but I wouldn't.
I might not agree with it, but I couldn't help but admire him. In so many ways he was Carlisle's opposite. The similarity they shared was their keen intellect and strategic capacities, although I would bet Jasper was better in that regard. Somehow, even though I knew it shouldn't, my assumption on Jasper's willingness to do the dirty work, for lack of a better word, soothed me. At the same time I felt guilty. Soldiers went and risked everything including tar on their souls so that others could live without that burden.
Jasper lifted his eyebrow at me, but said nothing.
Pursing my lips, I turned to Carlisle, "Had you considered this?"
"No," he replied.
Staring at him, I challenged him.
"Truly. It sounds trite, but honestly Esme I've spent the majority of my time these past months working on us. And although Edward and Bella are there in the back of my mind, they have not been my priority. I simply did not give it the attention necessary to put the pieces together. I would hope that Edward would not court death, but if something were to happen to Bella, we would have to keep an eye on him for a while."
Glaring at him, I tried to determine what he just meant. "You mean lock him in the basement and keep him guarded."
"If it came to that," he agreed reluctantly.
Carlisle and Jasper exchanged a look.
"Spill," I demanded.
"In Maria's army I often doused the newborns with fidelity to keep them loyal to myself and thus Maria. I told Carlisle that information one time when he asked about the ways I had used my gift," Jasper admitted looking at me cautiously.
My mouth fell open. "You could override Edward's desire to die by increasing his sense of fidelity?"
"Something like that," he stated softly almost as if he as embarrassed or ashamed.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I asked, "Jasper do you have the capacity to override free will? Is this what you are suggesting?"
"Not continuously, and it wears on me," he replied bashfully.
"Jesus H. Christ," I muttered. "No wonder Maria was upset that you left her."
My mind was a whirl with the possibilities. He could have easily taken over our family. Alice had known about Edward's ability before they got here. One by one he could have made us loyal to him. Could he take over Volterra if he wanted? Perhaps, I decided, depending on whether he could maintain it. But in a century or so as his gift grew? The reality was frightening.
Turning back to him, I had to ask, "Have you ever done such a thing to us?"
He looked upset I would dare ask such a question, but just as quickly his features shifted to understanding and sympathy. "No, shortly after we moved in I explained my gift as Carlisle suspected my capacity. I swore to him that I would never use my gift in this way except in an emergency where there was no other choice. I hated doing it."
"You could force Peter and Charlotte to be animal hunters and join us," I mused.
"Maybe not feeding preference, but join us, yes, I could. But you see there's an emotional backlash when a feeling is not authentic. The more I use my gift, the more the receiver resists and the more they resist, the more I have to use. It's an endless cycle that requires more bodies than anyone in this family could tolerate."
Shuddering at the implication, I asked curiously "How did she manage that?"
"We always kept half of dozen or so far enough from the newborns but close enough that I could have a snack when I needed. Maria made sure I was always in top shape except after Peter left." His tone was even.
His story filled me with so many emotions. Sympathy was most prevalent, but there was also awe and gratitude.
He looked at me puzzled, but said nothing.
After more than an hour had passed, Alice whispered, "Now what?" almost unwilling to say the words.
