Chapter 64: Gray
Tifa opened her eyes… and saw white. Pure, brilliant, blinding white. She squinted against it but it didn't dim or go away.
White?
She'd always just assumed returning to the Lifestream would be green…
If it had to be a color - she would have liked blue more.
Blue like the sky over the forever plains.
Blue like the water in Costa del Sol.
Blue like….
like his eyes….
oh… She was going to miss his eyes…
She opened her eyes again later and it was black.
Black?
What had happened to the White?
She squinted again.
Was she unraveling? Was that why things were Black?
She'd always assumed that you kind of… unraveled… when you went back to the Lifestream… that all your memories just wandered off on their own and you… unraveled until you just weren't anymore…
Lifestream…
She should apologize. She'd used it to turn on her lights…
When she opened her eyes next it was White again.
'How long did it take to unravel?' she thought with mild annoyance. She'd thought it would be quick – but this coming back again and again… she didn't like that. It – hurt. Her eyes hurt. Her – her heart hurt. Hurt so bad. As if someone had reached right in and ripped it out.
But… she didn't have a heart to be ripped out… did she? Hadn't she… hadn't she given it away already…?
The next time her eyes fluttered open to White she was seriously annoyed. Being dead was supposed to be better than this. At least she was fairly sure it was. Living was supposed to be hard but worth it, dying was supposed to be scary and being dead was supposed to be easy. So why did she have to keep opening her eyes to light? Intentionally, she shut them again.
It was dark the next time she opened her eyes. She was tired of trying to figure out how to be dead and she shut them again.
When she opened her eyes again it was – gray? Gray was a new color. She squinted her eyes and blinked a couple of times and saw… blurry gray shapes in the gray. Given something new to distract herself with she stared at the blurry gray shapes. One of them moved but it was in spurts. One second there and then, without actually moving, it would be in a different place. Like it – jumped.
Or time skipped for her.
Her throat hurt and her chest hurt and her head hurt. She shut her eyes.
She woke up screaming and then shut down again before she could wonder why.
The Gray was still there when she finally opened her eyes again and she was glad. She liked the Gray better than the Black and the White. It was more interesting. The gray shapes were back again as well but they weren't moving this time. Tifa watched them for a long time and thought how comforting they looked. All huddled together. Two little grays and a big gray. When she blinked again, the two little grays and the big gray had another slender gray with them. A blink and now the little grays were gone and it was two big grays leaning against each other. Shoulder to shoulder. Another blink and the little grays were back with the eternal big gray and there were three other grays who didn't huddle but did stand close. It made her smile.
She could jump grays in her mind. She shut her eyes, content with that.
When she opened her eyes again, Tifa finally recognized the Gray.
It was because she was in a room and the blinds were drawn over the windows that seemed to take up a great deal of the walls. Her throat felt dry and her mouth felt dry. Her skin felt tight over her bones and uncomfortable. She was lying on her side and she knew, without knowing why, that moving was a bad idea.
If she was dead, it was a boring way to spend eternity.
And then she realized what she'd been focused on all along and saw…
sunshine…
Cloud.
It made her smile weakly and her lips stuck to her dry teeth a little at the motion.
He was sleeping sitting up near the door. He had Marlene in his lap and Denzel collapsed against his side and under one of his arms. All of them were sleeping in the gray light. Her mind told her there was more – and that she didn't want to know what it was. So she concentrated on Cloud's hair and the children in his arms.
They didn't look good. They all slept too tightly, too completely. Someone hadn't been taking care of them.
"…hey…" she whispered it or tried to. Nothing came out when she spoke. Something inside her told her not to move and so she didn't. Instead she forced a swallow, forced moisture into her mouth and wet her lips. She exhaled carefully – why was she so sure she needed to do things carefully? – and tried again.
"…hey…"
It barely came out of her and she frowned. At least it was progress. At least, it didn't seem like she needed to be in any hurry. Cloud's chin shifted against his chest. He looked young when he was sleeping and it made her smile.
"…hey… chocobo head…"
He inhaled and it pulled his head up a little and to the side. His eyelids stuttered open and the blue, blue blue under them was vague and mildly confused. But they settled on her and for a long time they just stared at each other across the room. Finally, Tifa's lips shifted upward at their edges and she shifted her fingers where they lay on the bed. She made curling motions with them. Cloud's eyes seemed to suddenly realize what he was seeing.
"…come here…"
He rose cautiously, carefully setting the children down so that they were lying comfortably. Slow, one hesitant step at a time, he came closer. Tifa watched him with a soft smile. Thinking about only him the way her head told her to. When he started to go to his knees in front of her she made a noise.
"Um mm." Her hand turned on the bed to offer her palm.
"In bed. With me," she was very sure about that and she put that into her slowly improving whisper. She watched his chin tuck, his face angle just a little away from her and she turned her hand to make scratching noises against the mattress. Her eyes never left him. His own eyes rose and found her face and she gave him her best smile, still barely there.
"…promise…"
His eyes met hers at the whispered reminder and they looked impossibly young and lost – and yet impossibly old and worn. She didn't like what she saw in that blue but whatever he saw in her eyes, he suddenly knelt over her on the bed, the mattress sinking on the far side of her legs where his knee pressed into it. His other hand came up to spread for support on the mattress in front of her and she saw he was wearing his gloves. Where had that little silver wolf cuff come from…?
For a minute she felt his implied heat, his almost weight, but he was careful not to jar her and then he was on the mattress behind her and his body was pressing it down so that she slipped a little toward him. That didn't hurt so she very carefully scooted back a bit more. He realized what she was doing because his body, all of his body, was suddenly shifted forward to press against her. She made a quiet noise of relief and turned her head a little to him as she shut her eyes. His arm moved to close across her and she felt his fingers burrowing between the mattress and her body so that he could curve them around her hip. She managed to wiggle just enough to fit somehow tighter against him and she weakly wrapped her fingers around his forearm where it lay against her stomach. Her chest still hurt, her heart hurt, but it was all right. She turned her head to rest in the hollow against him and let herself go again.
No more Black or White or even Gray. Her world was Blue.
When she woke up again, Cloud was asleep against her. He was on his side against her back and, being bigger, partially draped over her, forming a protective barrier around and over her. Again. His head lay heavy against hers and his exhales ruffled their mingled hair on her cheek. He was sleeping heavy. The way only pure exhaustion, body and heart, could make you sleep. She squinted open a single eye and saw it was dark but that someone had put on a nightlight. Marlene and Denzel had a bed now and it was pushed right up against hers. They were both piled on it as close to her side as they could get and she couldn't imagine how they managed to sleep as uncomfortable as their tangled position looked. Tifa lay there for a long time and did nothing but watch the sleeping faces of her siblings and soak in the feeling of being surrounded by Cloud.
The next time she woke it was because there was a voice. Cloud's voice. And it was quietly furious.
"No."
He was still wrapped around and over her and his voice was a low sound. Utterly implacable and tight with barely controlled violence.
"We have to. It's for her own good. You know that." She thought it sounded like Leon's voice but it was so tired and defeated that she wasn't sure. Cloud's arms wrapped a little bit more completely around her somehow and he simply repeated:
"No."
"Cloud," there was a long pause. Then a sigh. "We have to do this while Marlene and Denzel are gone."
"Because it makes her scream," it came out between clenched teeth somewhere near her ear. "No."
"Cloud – "
"I don't scream," it weakly slipped out of her lips before she really thought about it. And then, still not thinking, she added: "And my throat hurts."
The sudden silence in the room was shocked. Tifa's brows came down over her still closed eyes.
"I said," she repeated herself. "I don't scream."
It seemed important to make that point and she had no idea why. Her family didn't scream. Well, Marlene – that once. But there had been a real point behind that. Tifa didn't remember screaming ever. Though she did make that small squeaky noise when spiders surprised her sometimes. And she'd yelled names before. Was that screaming? And there was that one time –
"Tifa?" Leon's voice and it was very close to her face, full of disbelief. She wrinkled her brows at him too.
"Leon?" she mimicked. And then added: "Throat still hurts." It was the closest she could come to asking for help.
There was a sound nearby and then she felt a straw against her lips.
"Here." Leon's voice again and she cautiously sipped at it. Tasting nothing more suspicious than water, she reached out with her hand to wrap her fingers around the cup, not liking being an invalid. She knew enough to drink the water slowly. Somewhere a bit further away, she heard a door open and close softly. Sick people – you shut doors carefully for sick people. It annoyed Tifa and she couldn't say why.
"The kids are – Leon?" Aerith's voice and Leon's answer.
"She's awake."
"Really?" Aerith suddenly sounded much closer and Tifa felt her free hand pressed where it rested against Cloud's arm. "Than – you were right, Cloud. She really did wake up."
"Still here," Tifa muttered, reminding them not to talk about her like she wasn't there and Aerith made a sound that was partially choked cry and partial laughter. Tifa felt the tickle of her bangs and Aerith pressed her face into the back of Tifa's hand. The comforting feel of her friend's presence made her smile weakly.
"Going back to sleep now," Tifa let go of the cup before whispering weakly: "Don't make me scream. Please…"
The next time she opened her eyes the room was lighter. Cloud was still lying against her back but as she lay still enjoying that she heard paper turn in front of her. Squinting an eye open it took her a moment to focus on the fact there was a book in front of her and Cloud was holding it with the arm he'd slipped under her head and reading it over her shoulder. For some reason it made her exhale a laugh and she winced immediately and reached up to lay a hand over her chest. The first thing she realized was that she was wearing an oversized shirt and the second was that, under that, she could feel tight bandages wound around her from just under her arms all the way to her stomach. At her silent laugh, she felt Cloud shift behind her. Voice soft he stated:
"You can come over. It's okay."
"Hey, Tifa." It was Marlene's voice and Tifa opened her eyes to squint at her little sister.
"When did you eat last?" she asked and Marlene looked like she was about to burst into tears.
"Denzel just went to go get us food."
"Come on," Tifa weakly patted the bed in front of her and Marlene hesitated, eyes shifting to Cloud. Tifa felt him nod and Marlene very carefully crawled up onto the bed. Tifa gave her a quiet smile.
"You can lay your head on my waist. I didn't get hurt there."
Marlene's eyes really did well up then and she pressed her face into Tifa's side as Cloud moved his arm to her hip and thigh. Tifa reached out and gently combed her fingers over Marlene's hair while her little sister silently cried.
"I must have been pretty bad, huh?" she asked softly and Marlene nodded against her, hands woven tight in the fabric of the oversized shirt and pants Tifa was in. Cloud's clothes.
"I must be a lot better now than."
Marlene made a gurgling noise and nodded her head but her tears, like her older sister's, never lasted long. Tifa heard the door open and turned her head to see Denzel, standing with huge eyes in the doorway. She gave him a smile and lifted her hand from Marlene's hair to hold it out to him.
"Don't bump my chest and you can come here too."
Whatever was on the tray ended up all over the floor as her little brother dropped it and bolted for her. But he was very careful as he crawled into the bed as well and laid his head on her side. Tifa's hand bumped Cloud's as they both reached to smooth down the little boy's hair at the same time. Cloud's retreated, but only far enough to spread over the top of Marlene's head. It made Tifa sigh, pleased, and she stroked Denzel's hair. Able to tell he hadn't washed it in a while.
"Does no one take care of you three when I'm not around?" she asked gently and got a grunt from both of the males. Denzel hadn't used to grunt in response. Apparently he was picking up habits. It made her smile and for a very long time they all stayed the way they were and it was healing and soothing.
"Showers," she finally decided though, gently patting first Denzel's head and then Marlene's. "You too, Strife. And on your way out send Aerith in. I want a bath too. And then I want to sit up and eat something and hear what's happened."
She loved her family. She loved Cloud. She loved being able to be snuggled close with everyone.
She hated the thought of being sick though. She just… she couldn't bear being an invalid. And she had a sneaking suspicion that she'd been one a lot longer than she was aware of.
It was time to stop.
