The scene where Edward tells his family that Bella knows they are vampires can be found in my story My Family Is Odd Chapter 37.
The great Jasper mediation can be found in Tale of Years:1950 by Jessica314 here on FF.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 26 Dec 17)
Chapter 3: Perfect Love Casts Out Fear
Alice, Jasper, and I looked at Carlisle waiting for him to make a decision.
After a moment of contemplation he told us firmly, "Esme is going to call Rosalie and Emmett and explain this new information. We're going to wait to see if Bella sends the letter, and what it says when it arrives. Dependent on those factors, then we will make a decision as a family."
Alice and I agreed reluctantly. Jasper seemed pleased with Carlisle's decision. If I had to say, I would argue that Jasper's view of Carlisle was shifting, hopefully for the better.
"Would you be up to talking about the other blockade to your visions before I have to go back to work?" Carlisle asked gently.
"Yes," Alice answered with both a desire to have the problem solved and a tiredness that was unusual for our kind.
I suspected that as much as she wanted to know why it was difficult to tune into Bella the process of finding an answer had taken an emotional toll on her.
"It's okay if you need a break, Alice," I offered.
"No," she answered subdued. "I want to try to figure this out. It's really bothering me."
I looked at Jasper.
He filled the room with a calm reassuring note.
"Thank you, Jasper, I think we all needed that," I told him.
He nodded his you're welcome southern gentleman nod.
"So, Alice, I was hoping you could do a visualization exercise with me," began Carlisle.
She raised an eyebrow, but after a short pause nodded in consent.
Jasper and I stilled completely giving the room to Carlisle and Alice as much as we could.
"Alright," Carlisle began. "I'd like you to take all the images you have from when there has been interference thus far and tell me if there is anything that is constant."
She paused the briefest of seconds before responding. "Like I told Jasper, Bella's emotions are safe and reassured in each case."
After time had passed he asked her, "Is there anyone with her?"
"Jasper asked the same thing," she replied immediately. "I think so, but it's hard to be definitive."
He nodded his head and appeared to be in agreement with her declaration before he set his eyes upon her and instructed, "I want you to try to focus just on the individual that you suspect is there. Pay what you're sensing special attention, and tell me what is your impression. Don't try to reason it out or say what only makes sense to you. We're trying to do some guessing. So, the logic of the detail from your impression doesn't matter. When you're ready, keeping your eyes closed, just tell me what you see."
Alice became statuesque concentrating for at least twenty minutes before she started speaking. Her tone was low and distant reminding me of how fortune tellers talk in moving pictures. "Towering over Bella six inches at least, but it changes over time, with a greater distance in height over time. Wider than Bella, but seems to widen over time. Stands close, but does not hover. They're usually at a house that isn't Bella's. I don't know it. In one flash it looks like they might be in a structure that has lots of tools and car parts. The smells remind me some of Rosalie's garage space, but more compact, dirtier, and grungier with things like wood and mold. The voice doesn't come through clear, but what does come through is that Bella trusts this person."
Alice opened her eyes looking at Carlisle. "I don't trust this person though. He or she, I still don't know, makes me uneasy. Bella rode a motorbike without a helmet for goodness sake. What kind of person would let Bella do that?" she asked angrily.
"A friend," Jasper said softly.
All three of us looked at him staring. Suddenly what Alice had described made more sense to me.
"If Bella is in pain, a friend might be willing to do whatever they could to help her feel better, even if it is dangerous," I told them in defence of his hypothesis.
Alice took in an audible breath.
Jasper asked in a disattached tone as if he was speaking to himself, "Who might be Bella's friend, be bigger than her, and like cars and motorcycles?"
"And is growing," added Carlisle. "Alice, I think the changes you're picking up from height and width is an adolescent, most likely a male growing, given the size differences."
"Mike was in one vision; it's not him. Bella wasn't friends with Eric or Tyler. Ben isn't that big unless he grew, but he was spending time with Angela when we left," Alice mused aloud.
"What about that Black fellow that told Bella about us?" Jasper asked casually.
Alice's and my eyes grew.
"Jacob Black?" Carlisle asked rhetorically.
"Didn't Edward say something once about them being family friends?" Jasper questioned.
I was lost in thought going back through my memories trying to find the moment to which Jasper was referring. The answer was yes. That had been the night when Edward had told everyone that Bella knew what we were and had been told our secret by Ephraim's descendent. Was it possible that Bella was spending time with a descendent of Ephraim?
A good ten minutes afterwards Carlisle looks at me, then Jasper, then Alice.
"Alice, it would seem that the most likely conclusion at this point is that somehow Jacob Black, direct descendent of Ephraim Black, is spending time with Bella and when he does it interferes with your visions."
"How is that possible, Carlisle?" she asked astonished.
"I don't know that yet, honestly. My best guess would be that it would have something to do with their shapeshifting gene. But that's pure conjecture."
"Would it be possible that he's becoming a shapeshifter like his great-grandfather, Carlisle?" I asked terrified at the thought. "I thought we had determined that the line had died out."
He shook his head. "Well, certainly, there were no shapeshifters when we lived there. On top of that neither his father nor none of the previous generation went through the transformation. We really don't know much of how their genetics work, but simply from a scientific basis, the reasonable conclusion would be no." He paused as if considering the weakness in his thoughts and then added, "No, I wouldn't think so."
He rubbed my hand.
Turning to Alice he told her, "But I am proposing that perhaps his genes give him a hereditary predisposition against your visions. Since neither you nor Jasper were with us when we first met them, we have no way of knowing how your gift works on them. They are incredible creatures really. Edward said they have a pack mind. It's all very fascinating, really."
Jasper looked at Carlisle like he had lost his mind. "Alice's gift worked just fine when we were introduced to the council," Jasper retorted.
Carlisle pondered that. "Perhaps the interference only works for those young men who are in the age range that have the capacity to transform. It was merely a hypothesis that fit the criteria. That is not to say something else might be going on."
"That doesn't bode well for Bella or our family," Jasper stated crisply like he was beginning to plan a military invasion.
"They're not like werewolves at all," Carlisle said looking at Jasper. "They are first men. They are intelligent, loyal, and defenders. Underneath it all, they have much in common with our family. I had hoped to have better relations with the Quileutes when we were there, but the council wasn't interested. I was quite disappointed, actually. Nevertheless, Edward could read their minds all those years ago. I was always curious if both of your gifts might work on them if they had begun to shapeshift once more."
"Hoping to convey my support to him, as this was not the first time he had defended the Quileutes to Jasper, I squeezed his hand a little in admiration.
"I don't like the idea that a creature designed to destroy us might be hereditarily predisposed to thwart Alice's visions," Jasper stated in military precision.
"Well, yes, it is terribly inconvenient," Carlisle agreed.
I tried to contain my giggles. My husband sounded so terribly English in that moment. He must have been flustered.
Jasper raised an eyebrow at him, but dropped it.
"Does that help, Alice?" Carlisle asked after a few moments had passed.
"Yes, it does. I still don't like it, but knowing that might be causing the issue helps. I'll take a look back through my visions. I might have had a vision ages ago with him in it before the summer. And he showed up at the prom, so I have seen him from a distance. I'll look more into it," she concluded.
"Good. I'm glad this helped," Carlisle stated wrapping up.
He looked at each of us.
No one added anything.
"In that case, I'm going to go to my office and then get ready for work soon," he informed me.
"I missed my morning class, but if I take the bike I'll make it to the afternoon class. You coming?" Jasper asked Alice.
"Yes, please!" she told him clearly excited at his offer. She rushed up stairs and came downstairs in a jiffy in a new outfit. "Ready," she told him exuberantly.
"See you Esme later tonight. Later, Carlisle," Jasper said over his shoulder. Alice just waved at me. They both grabbed helmets and headed off.
Picking up my phone I called Rosalie.
"Hey, Mom," she greeted me sounding much better than the last time we had spoken.
"Hey, Rose. How are things there?"
"Things are going well. I got your voicemail. We were hiking and just got finished a little while ago."
I smiled knowingly. "I'm glad you're having a good time darling. Are you feeling any better now that you know that we're back home?"
"Yeah, Mom, I am. I know it's silly, but I do feel better."
"I'm glad," I told her sincerely.
"How's Carlisle?" she inquired.
"He's back working, of course. They desperately needed him. He completed four days and just had the last two off. I bet they'll have him do the next five to seven days. They're short staffed and he's the best."
"I don't know how you have him gone so much," she admitted.
"He's happier when he works. I want him to be happy. It's that simple," I explained to her.
The smile in her voice was clear. "Then I'll be glad Emmett is happy making me happy."
I smiled at her. "Yes, you sure are lucky with Emmett."
"The luckiest," she agreed.
"I also have a small update for you," I let her know.
"Oh?" she asked sounding nervous.
"It seems, according to Alice anyway, that there is some chance we might get a letter from Bella soon."
"Alice have any guesses on what it would say?" she enquired.
"No, actually," I told her.
"Do we need to come home?" she asked sounding uncertain.
"I don't think so," I informed her. "Until we know anything for sure, we're not making any decisions and we won't make any without you. There's plenty of time yet."
"Okay," she said curtly making it clear that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Anything else?"
"We spent some time today helping Alice. You know she's been struggling," I informed her.
"Any good?" she asked genuinely curious.
"Maybe, but nothing definitive yet."
"You sure you don't need me to come home?" she verified.
"You are wanted here, my dear Rosalie, but please continue to enjoy your time alone with Emmett. Who knows when you will be able to do so next?"
"Are you sure, Mom?" She sounded so small and vulnerable.
"Rosalie, girl, you are beautiful and wonderful and wanted. You would protect this family with your last breath. You are precious."
I imagined her nodding her head to herself trying to make these words true to her.
"Well, if you're okay," she said stiffly. "Then we'll keep exploring."
"You do that and I promise that I will call as soon as I hear anything, okay Rose?"
"Okay, Mom," she relented. "Thank you for everything, you know."
"Anytime, Rose. I love you."
"Thanks. Talk to you soon.
"Bye Rose. Be safe"
"Always," she replied before she hung up.
That left only one person that I needed to speak with. I wanted to seek Carlisle out for us to have a conversation before he headed off to work. Instead I waited for him to find me situating myself in a chair under the stairs in a little nook. As expected, he did not have me wait long before coming down dressed for work. As soon as he sensed my location he came over to me at a slow human pace his gait and body language appearing as if I was a tiger cub in need of taming.
Watching and waiting I stayed still.
His voice was soft and deeply distressed. "I owe you a great apology, Esme," he started as he crouched next to me, putting his hand on my arm that was laying on the armrest. "How many ways can I have grievously dishonoured you?" Then he paused collecting himself. "I honestly do not know how to internalize the reality that you were my mate from that first meeting. My heart agrees, but my head is still in whirl."
"You are already forgiven, Carlisle," I told him barely whispering unable to form words to describe the emotional impact of what had just happened. "If you can adjust to my story, you can adjust to this," I told him wanting to will it to be true.
"Did you know?" he asked softly gazing into my eyes tenderly anxiousness showing up in his body language.
"I could not have known about the bond we share now. I knew nothing of your nature or of such possibilities. So, the answer to your question is no. But, I knew that I gave my heart away to you." Pausing I willed my ire away trying to keep in my mind the Carlisle my imagining had given to me. "You were right in that I was very naive when we met, and thus innocent of matters of which I now have intimate experience."
He sighed deeply with a sadness that I could not place.
Trying to see the world from his perspective I attempted to give him the words he needed to move past this. In any case, he could not change the past. It was already done. "You cannot hold yourself accountable for your own ignorance, or for believing something to be true that your experience and those you trusted said was the case. In fairness, my husband, the very idea that we could be mated to what is our natural prey would be contrary to most of our kind's ideas of how the world works. It is possible that even humans would find the concept of being mated to their food intolerable. Let this go. There is no need to hold yourself to such unattainable ideals."
In my mind I knew this was true, but my traitorous heart, my heart was so hurt and so angry.
The longer he remained silent the more somber the air between us seemed to become.
"I am grieved that I unknowingly walked away from my mate," he finally said as if speaking from some distance space. "Even if you came back into my life, I was wrong to leave. Neither my ignorance nor trust in Aro's assessment negates that I did not listen to my heart. When I look back so many signs were there that I dismissed or took as passing interest. Even when I changed you and you became my wife, my opinion of those moments did not change. I wondered briefly, of course, if we could have been mated even then, but dismissed the possibility."
His words, although did not alter the slight, soothed me. He was hurting too. His actions had hurt us both.
After a minute allowing my emotions to settle and his words to fully penetrate I spoke. "Then, if you are guilty of anything, my husband, you are guilty of letting your mind rule your heart," I told him thinking back to my imaginings and the imaginary Carlisle I had created. How I longed for him. Shaking myself out of what was pure stupidity I looked my husband in the eyes and willed myself to see him as he was: a incredible man who had created a family and worked as a doctor when the world had told him that such things were fruitless pipe dreams.
He sighed deeply again, but he didn't seem as burdened with sadness like he had when he had come down. "Give me time, I will get there," he promised.
Smiling I accepted his words hoping that he could find a way to make this true. "We have nothing but time," I assured him.
"Maybe in the big picture," he mused, "but I feel the pressure of Edward and Bella to work through this quickly."
"You'll get there," I declared to him. "Has your concern over Edward grown?" I questioned.
"No, as long as Bella is alive, then things with Edward are as they were," he replied reflectively.
"I'm scared to lose him like how Jasper described," I admitted.
"I am as well," he agreed, "More than I can possibly ever articulate. But we have time. Bella is young and alive."
"True," I agreed. After a moment's pause I asked him, "Why did you not tell me about Jasper's capacities?"
He stilled slightly taken off guard at my question. "It felt too private to reveal on his behalf, and he was already struggling so much back then that I didn't feel like it was my place."
Looking carefully at him I had to ask, "Are you keeping other things from me?"
"Many," he told me after a pause. "I respect other's privacy and although you are my wife, I do not tell you what others say in confidence, just as you do not. But I am not withholding anything from you. I didn't consider Jasper's promise and the nature of his gift to be something I was withholding. It is his to speak about."
Pursing my lips, I considered his words. "Thank you for your honesty," I told him.
He nodded watching me carefully afraid, it seemed, that he had possibly disrupted the peace we had found between us. "I've got to go, my love," he told me hesitantly.
"Yes, go. I will be here upon your return," I promised.
He nodded seemingly assured, kissed me, and turned to leave.
"Be safe," I told him as he walked out the door.
"Always," he promised as he drove away.
I should have worked on my blueprints, but didn't want to. Instead I found a window still and thought about all the changes going on with my family and tried to find guidance in the trees on how to best assist each of them.
Alice and Jasper came home later in the evening, but kept to themselves.
Staring at the stars I tried to imagine where Edward might be, what he might be doing, and how he might be faring. I imagined he was standing next to me, us watching the moon move together as I conveyed mentally all that he meant to me and how much I missed him. Of course he would roll his eyes and huff at his disbelief that he could be loved as fiercely as I insisted that I did, but I would find his reaction endearing, as I always did.
Except this time I didn't.
This time, after all these weeks with it being just Carlisle and I, and watching him struggle so much, I began to see Edward differently. I began to see how his humbleness might also contain a drop of self-loathing, how his introspectiveness might have hidden mild depression like Jasper had mentioned, how his insistence on privacy might have also been a way for him to keep himself from being vulnerable. I began to imagine how his relationship with Bella might have looked solely from the perspective of these darker attributes and it scared me. What if he left, not because it was the right thing to do, as he argued, but because he didn't believe himself worthy of her? If that was the case, he might never return without some prompting. I shuddered to think of how poorly he might see himself, and the cost we might all bear for such beliefs.
I had always known of all my children that Edward was the one in most need of affirmation and encouragement, but somehow in this light that emptiness he held inside of himself was no longer admirable or endearing. Even after all our decades together and Bella coming into his life, the possibility that he still might not be able to see his own value was difficult to acknowledge. Not that I would want him to be the know-it-all he could be sometimes. No, what I wanted for him was for him to keep his humbleness and nobility, while also seeing himself as valuable in his own right.
As I sat on the windowsill looking out watching the trees, like my imagining of Carlisle when we met, it was as if I could see the world through the alternative Edward's eyes that I had just begun to understand. What I saw grieved me beyond words. My feelings must have been fairly strong because sometime on Wednesday late afternoon Jasper came into my room and put his hand on my shoulder filling me with a slight dose of contentment that also seemed to contain concern and familial care.
"I was thinking about Edward," I explained in a muted tone.
He nodded in understanding taking his hand away.
Turning I looked at him. "Jasper, you said that Edward's emotions were fluctuating wildly and he was denying his feeling regarding Bella to himself."
He nodded, his eyes conveying concern that he might have said too much in that moment.
All of my gifted children tried to give all of us our privacy as much as they were able. He didn't talk about Edward's emotions anymore than Edward talked about Jasper's thoughts.
"Do you think it possible that he believed himself not worthy of her affection?" I asked hesitantly.
Jasper stood still for a few minutes obviously taking my questions quite seriously. "Yes, that could be a possibility. If it were true, that would explain much of what I felt from him."
My body slumped in resignation. I knew assuredly that there were many parts of Edward. He was noble and had a high moral compass. I could trust that these things would guide him. They guided him even when he drank human blood. But what if my hypothesis was correct that this darker side of Edward was what was keeping him away? "He always has worn the world on his shoulders, much like Carlisle," I said speaking my thoughts aloud.
"Yes," Jasper confirmed.
"He is much more gentle and forgiving of others than he is of himself," I stated tentatively feeling the words out.
"Aren't we all?" Jasper parried.
"Touché," I agreed.
"Carlisle is more than most, though. However, he is better about it since you spirited him away." Jasper smiled at what must have been his own private joke.
"Edward is even more so," I stated articulating my hypothesis. "I think Edward, in some ways, took on Carlisle's ways of thinking as his own. Perhaps it is because of his gift, but he is also like Carlisle in many regards."
"Indeed," Jasper agreed. "Do you remember when I interceded between them because they both were misunderstanding the other in the exact same way?"
"The great Jasper mediation," I teased.
He looked at me sternly, but I could see the edges of his mouth itching to turn upwards.
"I hope that the differences I feel in Carlisle will aid Edward when he returns home," he confided in me.
"As do I Jasper. I've said as much to Carlisle."
"He's lucky to have you," Jasper told me earnestly.
"We were lucky to have you and Alice join us. You have made our family better."
"You're not just putting up with me?" he asked jokingly, but there was tenderness there.
I put my hand on his arm. "Never, Jasper. You are wanted here. We would be just as grieved if you left us, as we are to have Edward gone. You are one of ours now. Nothing can change that, ever."
He looked at me speculatively. "You mean it," he said quietly with an incredulous tone. "Even after what I told you. I expected fear and disgust. Instead you are accepting and loving and kind and genuine in your desire to have me a part of your family."
I held his arms in my hands. "Unequivocally."
"Thank you, Esme," he told me sincerely as he had each time I had told him that he was one of us, but it seemed more sincere in some way.
I could only hope that I was getting through to him.
"You're welcome," I told him with a warm smile. "You are my son, Jasper, no more or less than Emmett or Edward. The venom that flows in your veins matters not."
We stayed like that for quite a while. I suspected that he was basking in the love, acceptance, adoration, and tenderness I felt towards him.
"Can I ask a question about your gift?" I queried my tone soft.
"Ask your question," he replied in a tone that sounded older than he had been on the earth.
"When Carlisle became shocked about humans being able to be mated to a vampire I felt something that made me uncomfortable. What were you doing?"
For a moment there was a look on his face between sadness and guilt, then it was gone as quickly as it had come. "Can you describe what it felt like?" he asked.
"It felt like slivers of my emotions were being collected for an experiment for further study, like Carlisle does on cells, and then were being put under a microscope," I tried to explain. "It was disconcerting and uncomfortable, but then it stopped and you sent me the most wonderful fusion of emotions and I knew that whatever you had done, you hadn't meant it, and were immediately sorry. You are already forgiven, Jasper. I am not upset, despite the unpleasantness. I am however curious."
"Your love and graciousness is astounding, Esme," he complimented me his tone conveying amazement.
"Thank you," I told him and allowed the silence to fill the space between us trusting that when he was ready he would speak.
More than an hour had elapsed when words passed through his lips. "Most of the time I don't search out other's emotions. Like waves emotions roll off each individual and eventually reach me, within a certain distance, of course. So, most of the time I simply sit in an environment and allow the emotional tenor to touch me. My mind rarely analyses or categorizes what I experience. The more I know someone the more I intuitively know the owner of the emotion. For instance, how you feel glad is different from Alice, so if you're both glad at the same time it would come to me and I would know that you're both glad."
His eyes travelled from the window to me as if checking that I was following. Meeting his gaze I let him know to continue.
"Your emotions are generally steady and rarely fluctuate, but in that moment they were moving so fast that what reached me was incongruent with your spoken words, and I wanted to match your emotion with your words in the moment rather than waiting and reconstructing it later as I often do when Edward isn't in range. So I used my gift in a more straightforward manner and tried to understand what you were experiencing. Few respond to my probing as you did. Most don't even notice that I'm doing it, some are slightly uncomfortable, but you were close to being humiliated." He looked at me in confirmation.
"The closest description I have is a sense of being violated," I told him.
"Esme, you must know, that I was not trying to take something without your permission, violate you, or anything else of the like," he told me earnestly clearly upset. "If you need I can vow to never do it again."
Pondering his offer and its implication, I was uncertain. I hadn't liked the feeling when he had done it, but he meant no harm. "Now that I know what it is, could you do it again?" I asked reluctantly.
"Now?" he checked.
"No time like the present," I replied summoning my courage.
"Sure?" he verified.
"Yes," I agreed.
The moment he started I could feel it, but this time it was softer somehow as if he were Alice in a fabric store caressing the materials in wonder and fascination.
"I'm not sure what you did differently, Jasper. It was a peculiar sensation, but generally pleasant."
"I send out tenderness and trust with the probe," he admitted reticently.
"I meant what I said, Jasper. You are my son. I trust you with my life and Carlisle's life. I know you to be an honourable man. If the moment arises and you need to understand me once more, I'd request the second option over the first."
He looked at me taken back. "You know that I am having you trust me falsely in that mix?"
"Jasper, look back to that moment. There was no false trust. I trust you implicitly. I meant what I said. I am glad you and Alice joined us, and I would want you nowhere else than here, Jedi powers or not," I told him playfully.
He chuckled. "You are a remarkable woman, Esme. I sincerely hope that my human mother was a drop of the woman you are."
Turning to him I put my hand on his cheek. "She would have to be even greater than me to have produced such a radiant son."
He said nothing as I took my hand away knowing that physical contact made him uncomfortable.
As the sun began to set and the evening was nearly upon us I turned to him and teased, "Doesn't hurt our family's odds either that Major Whitlock of the Southern Wars is here protecting us vegetarians."
A great smile crossed his face. "No I suppose that doesn't hurt either." He chuckled.
I grabbed his arm. "Nothing you have done or will do could ever change how I feel about you and the place you have in our home. Nothing. You hear me?"
"Yes, ma'am. I hear you," he responded his accent strong.
"Good then," I confirmed hoping that he no longer held any doubt on this matter and bringing my hand to drop into my lap.
The sun was fully set now and in a few short hours Thursday would begin.
"You know," Jasper whispered conspiratorially. "Our family might be unrecognizable by the time good ol' Eddie decides to grace us with his presence."
"That is my hope," I whispered in an equally conspiratorially tone. "So, my dear empath, how are we doing?"
"Moving right along," he whispered back with a sly grin.
"I never knew you were so dangerous Jasper Whitlock," I teased and grinned.
"Oh, my dear, Mrs. Cullen, you haven't seen half of it yet," he teased menacingly.
"Never doubted it," I stated whole-heartedly. After a brief pause I found the courage to ask him, "Would you stage Bella's death, and bring her here against her will if it came to that?"
He looked at me wearily possibly trying to figure out how forthright he could be with me. "I would not be the Major Whitlock of the Southern Wars if I had not at least considered it," was his eventual answer.
Nodding in understanding, I told him simply, "I am glad."
His eyes grew larger and he looked bothered at my response.
"Jasper, I love my husband," I told him slowly and incredibly softly. "You above all others know how much I love him, but he left me behind because it was the moral thing to do. His morality stopped him from embracing me, from accepting me. I paid a heavy price for his morality, and I would pay it again if needed because he is kind and compassionate and generous in measures I have never known. And I would never want this aspect of his character to change. But don't count me as a fool, Jasper. I am well aware of the fact that if push comes to shove he will do the righteous thing.
"It is who he is. It is one of the things that I admire the most about him. It is what allowed him to create this space that exists nowhere else in our world. And we need priests and doctors, but we also need soldiers. We need those willing to blacken themselves and bear the punishments seen and unseen so that the rest of us can live our lives without that burden. I don't know how you bear it. Nevertheless, I am grateful for it. I know you would raze everything, including, yourself if it meant that Alice was safe and happy. It's not the way that Carlisle loves me, because it's not the kind of man he is. But that does not mean I don't admire you or the way you love Alice."
He tilted his head slightly. "You really do," he whispered in amazement.
"I really do, Major Whitlock," I told him earnestly before lowering my voice even more, "and if things ever come to that, know that it will not change your place as a member of this family, and I will love you just the same, even possibly more for doing what would have been necessary to keep the family together. For without doubt I am certain that you would only take that option as a last resort."
Hearing Alice coming near, we changed our posture slightly.
"What ever are the two of you whispering about?" she asked playfully as soon as she came into the room, but I suspected she was slightly annoyed at not knowing what was going on.
"Esme is confiding in me her plans to secretly rule the world through acceptance, love, tenderness, and adoration," he whispered seriously to Alice.
She eyed him and then me.
I burst into laughter.
Jasper joined me and then Alice joined in.
After we had all calmed down Alice informed us, "Bella is 73% decided that she'll mail the letter she wrote."
"Why 73%?" Jasper asked.
"I think she's apprehensive. We need her desire to reach out to overshadow her fear. I'm hoping in a few more days, if things hold."
"You sound like you're predicting a stock Alice," I chided.
"Not much different," she reported.
"How do you even know this?" I asked her with an edge in my voice that demanded truth.
Alice looked away.
"Alice?" I warned.
"Well," she hedged, "I might have looked for the outcome of that one decision."
"Alice," I scolded.
"I know, I know," she relented in defeat. "I'm just so excited."
"By you rushing things you might have just miss the perfect opportunity to learn something along the way," I reminded her.
She gave me the 'I know, mom' look.
I put my hands up in surrender. "Just saying."
Jasper chuckled.
"Tell me all about your class from last night, Jasper," I insisted.
"It's my introduction to psychology class. I've taken the class four times before, but this time I'm engrossed with the material in a different way. Previously I had taken the class to improve my understanding of my gift. I had used to it try to gain a different perspectives about what I pick up emotionally in different climates, especially when we go to high school. That climate is so full of conflicting, volatile, strong emotions that it can be challenging at times. I thought if I could understand what was happening on a basic physiological and psychological basis I could improve my capacity to decipher what I pick up with my gift."
"Perfect sense to me," I agreed.
"This time I'm trying to better understand the psychology. What's happening with Edward and Bella. I'm beginning to think that perhaps my gift might allow me to see into someone's psychological world. I have no test subjects, so I'm not sure, but it's a work in progress."
"I would be willing, Jasper," I told him.
He looked at me uncertainly. "Are you sure?"
"What mother wouldn't do that and more for her son?" I challenged him.
He stilled for a long time. When he came out of his state he looked at me and said, "Thank you."
"Anything." I winked. "Anyway, I selfishly want to know more about my own capacities. Perhaps we could help one another?"
He grinned at me. "Perfect sense to me."
"And at that note, I'm going to steal my husband," Alice asserted.
"Steal away, Alice," I told her.
"Thanks," she offered as she pulled him out of my bedroom.
Well, if nothing else had happened since Christmas things between Jasper and I were changing, for the better. He had always felt my sentiments, but somehow our exchange tonight seemed to have made a difference. Perhaps he was more like Edward in his self-assessments. Conceivably it had something to do with the years of hunting humans. Perchance one day one of my two tortured sons would be willing to have a candid conversation with me about these matters. Whether or not they told me these things, though, I knew their hearts and I knew the potential of who they could be. That would be enough.
Perhaps for the first time since our move to Ithaca, I felt ready to put some love into this house and see how it might inspire me. I moved to my desk and started on the blueprints. I was stirred out of my work with a screech from Alice.
"She's sending it, she's sending it!" Alice shouted enthusiastically her volume probably scaring every bird and creature for a mile.
Coming downstairs I found Alice jumping up and down in the living room in a near blur.
Jasper had an indulgent look on his face.
"Alice dear, who's sending what?" I asked hoping to calm her before she broke something.
"Bella!" she squealed. "She finally got desperate enough to send the letter. She'll put it in the post today after school. She's been carrying it in her backpack all week. Finally!" she told us almost too fast to be understood and certainly at a volume that was high enough to nearly break glass and at a pitch that I doubted humans would be able to pick up. Then just as suddenly as she had started her high-spirited broadcast she stilled. "It should be here by Tuesday."
"Alice," I scolded softly.
Holding up her palm much like Carlisle did when trying to calm others, she told me defensively, "I checked on the letter, honest."
For the first time I allowed her words to penetrate, as I did a smile grew. "Well, I'd say this is the happiest news you've delivered in a while, Alice."
She flopped onto the couch and then stilled again.
"Carlisle should be back this afternoon. He'll have two days off again. Will you go with me to shop on Monday, then? I want to celebrate."
I chuckled at her pace. Sometimes she was a struggle to keep up with. "One day at a time, Alice. I'm glad Bella decided to respond. I'm pleased to hear that I might see my husband soon. But Monday is too far away to promise, so I'll promise that we'll see and if nothing changes then we'll go."
She jumped up and hugged me. "Okay. Deal." Then she grabbed Jasper's hand and ran out the door.
He looked pleased at her mood. I would also guess from his relaxed posture that her change was a relief to him, but his eyes as she had spoken had been calculating.
Picking up the phone, I called Rosalie. I left a voicemail letting her know that Bella's letter had been mailed today and should be arriving by Tuesday. With a genuine lightness that I had not experienced since Forks, I returned to my desk ready to fully be inspired while I waited for Carlisle to get home.
Alice wasn't too far off in her estimate. Carlisle got home only three hours later than I would have imagined.
I greeted him with a kiss when he walked in the door.
"I missed you too, love," he told me sweetly.
Looking at him carefully, "You need to journal," I assessed.
"I need you more," he argued.
"I'll be waiting," I let him know. "Come and find me when you're done."
"Sure?" he checked.
"Yes, certain," I assured him.
"All right, then," he agreed reluctantly.
He had brought his journals to Newfoundland and had written in them when he had felt the need, but I knew he hadn't journalled since our return. If it was one thing that helped my husband let go of the challenges that came with being a doctor it was his journals.
Two hours later he came and found me.
"Tough cases?" I asked.
"I tried to make it home, love, I did," he replied.
"I have no doubt," I comforted him.
"They kept coming in, so I had to pretend to sleep in the lounge and drink copious amounts of coffee," he told me clearly grieved by this need. "We just were so short-staffed."
"I was still here," I assured him. "Your family was as fine as it was when you left. I would have called otherwise."
His body relaxed some. "I know. I can't help but worry. We have never been in this position before as a family. I am split between wanting to be here and wanting to offer my aid where I can."
He was not usually one to worry like he appeared to be portraying. Although he missed us and me, he usually was more assured that we were well while he took care of his patients. Consequently, I didn't know what to say or even if I should mention anything at all. In the end I chose to offer him empathy and comfort. "Nor can I. Perhaps it is part of the role of parenthood." My words seemed to have removed whatever etching on his features that had been there. "Come," I told him as I grabbed his hand and dragged him willingly into our bathroom. I turned on the facets to our bathtub. "You, Dr. Cullen, are in need of some relaxation."
He smiled knowingly his eyes twinkling.
"I am?" he teased.
"You are," I told him confidently.
After a slow undressing on both our parts, a bath of hot water, and a loosening of his muscles, I judged that the day's work was finally left behind. "We received some good news according to our Alice," I let him know.
"Yes?" he confirmed.
"Evidently Bella put her letter into the post box today. Alice estimates its arrival to be in the Tuesday mail."
"Well then," he stated smiling.
"As today is now Saturday and our Alice informed me that you will be returning to the hospital tomorrow afternoon, do you have plans?"
"I need to hunt," he informed me.
I looked into his eyes. They didn't look any darkened shade that would have indicated that. "Did something happen?" I asked concerned.
"Only the slightest notice of a twinge," he confessed.
"Alice and Jasper left yesterday before you arrived. I assume they hunted while they were out. Perhaps we shall simply go when we are ready?" I offered.
"I'm not done with you yet, Mrs. Cullen," he told me playfully.
"I'll take your word for it, Dr. Cullen," I teased back.
The time together was good for both of us. Alice, as always, had impeccable timing. She and Jasper walked in just as we were about to head out.
"Actually, we didn't get to the hunting part. Can we go all together?" she asked still bouncing from excitement.
"Of course," Carlisle replied pleased to see Alice so full of life.
The four of us took off together. Alice subtly worked things so that Carlisle and Jasper ended up together and her and I.
When I looked at her knowingly she winked.
"Alice, let's leave these men to their bears and find us some deer," I offered light-heartedly.
"Wonderful. Meet you boys back here," Alice told them.
After we had gone off a bit, I asked, "Is Jasper all right?"
She slowed her running down to a trot. "Yes, he's being really challenged and needs a male's influence. Carlisle will handle it perfectly."
"These past months have asked a lot of us," I agreed.
"Yes," she concurred sombrely.
Right then we both caught the scent of a herd of deer and moved towards them. When we got near I let Alice pick first. I enjoyed watching all my family members hunt and Alice was no exception. She was like a ballerina dancing with the animal. It was a beautiful, if not deadly dance. I took down one that was unfortunate enough to run away from Alice towards me.
We hid our kills and then travelled back slowly.
"I'm scared, Esme," Alice admitted.
"Whatever for, dear?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.
"I don't know what the letter will say. What if Rose was right?"
I reached out and grabbed her to me enveloping her into a hug holding her tight and rubbing her back. When she seemed calmer I pulled back and held onto her arms. "We have no way to know for sure, Alice. We will have to wait and see."
"What if she wants nothing to do with us?" she asked as we began walking again.
"Then we will respect her wishes," I answered simply.
"But I miss her," Alice pouted.
"Not everyone is meant to stay in our life indefinitely," I reminded her. It was a difficult lesson that we each had to learn through the years, and partially why we kept our distance from the locals wherever we lived. It was hard to leave others behind.
"I moved reluctantly because I believed that it would only be a matter of time before we moved back. To me it was temporary, and when we got back to Forks I would explain and she would forgive me. Then after a bit it would be okay, just like it sometimes is with Rosalie or Edward. We're family. Never would have I thought that it would have taken Edward this long to succumb. I am facing the fact that he might be stubborn and pig-headed enough to never return or to return when it's too late. I could lose her!" she moaned.
"Yes, my darling girl, you could," I confirmed sadly.
"I've never lost anybody. Not really. I don't remember my human life, so there was no one to miss when I woke up. I knew I'd find Jasper. I knew I'd find you all. For the first time I am afraid in a way that I have never been before. This isn't a fear of our secret coming out, or something happening to one of us, or any other things like that. It's about a person that I love. I don't know how to do this, Esme," she admitted.
"You expected things to go a certain way, and they're not going that way. It's the downside of your gift, Alice. You're ability to see what might happen doesn't mean it will, even if you line things up just right. The problem is choice. She has the right to choose." I looked at her through the corner of my eye. She looked downtrodden and chastised. Taking in a deep breath, I continued on, "You could try to take away her free will. You could decide that you know what's best and play God in her life. Or you can respect her autonomy.
"Don't mistake me. What we are speaking about is not easy, and in the end you might lose someone you love. It's a natural reaction to want to protect our own hearts from that pain, but love in its best form is selfless. With that kind of selfless love, you want what is best for the other, higher than your own desires. If you love her selflessly, then you will respect what she decides is best for her life."
"What if she decides wrong?" Alice demanded distraught.
"Then she will have to live with the consequences of that choice, just as you have to live with the consequences of your choice," I explained patiently.
"You know it's annoying when you're right like this. It makes it hard to argue with you," she grumbled.
I chuckled. "I imagine it would be." I paused collecting my thoughts. "But, Alice, have faith in your friendship and have hope that Bella feels at least a little the same as you. Don't despair yet. Carlisle's Bible has a part that says that perfect love casts out fear. Let your love for her remove your fear."
She nodded sombrely. "I will do my best, Esme."
I put my hand on her shoulder. "Our best is the most we can do."
When we got to the meeting point, the boys weren't there, so we settled onto the ground.
"Tell me, Alice, how was it to find out you had blood relatives out there living."
"Surreal. I mean I found the records. In theory I understand that they were my family when I was human, but it doesn't feel real."
"I would imagine not," I assured her.
"Apart from the fact that I don't remember anything from before I woke up, you are my family. They are not. Not really. The idea that I have great nephews and nieces is something I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around," she admitted.
"Do you follow them with your gift?" I asked curiously.
"No, I haven't met any of them," she explained with wistfulness.
"Do you want to?" I enquired.
"I've thought a lot about it. I don't know. I'm sure Jasper could whip up some cover story documents if I really needed. I guess I'm not ready. I might never be ready."
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. "You might never be and that's all right, nothing wrong with that. It's a little like when humans are adopted. Do you remember in Buffalo when you came with me a few times to that orphanage? We are your family in every way that matters, but it makes sense that you want to know where you came from before arriving on our doorstep. That's okay too. Just do what you need, and we'll be here for you. Well, within reason."
"Don't worry, Esme, I'm not going to pull an Edward," she teased.
"Well, thank goodness. One of him is plenty," I concurred playfully.
"Plenty," Alice agreed.
We sat with my arm around her and her head on my shoulder until the boys arrived. They looked like they had been horsing around. Alice and I said nothing, but gave each other looks and hid our giggles. I was glad to see them bonding.
"I will need to leave in a few hours," Carlisle admitted as we neared the house.
"Well, get ready then, and if you can spare the time Alice call tell us exactly what she saw," I suggested.
Alice and I sat in the living room giving each other side looks and giggling at our husbands behaving so youthful. It didn't take long for both men to come down clean.
"Can we finish in time, Alice?" Carlisle asked.
She checked. "Yes."
"Go ahead then," he agreed.
A/N: If you have a moment, I'd love to hear from you.
