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(Updated 27 Dec 17)


Chapter 4: Without Goodbye


With Carlisle and I sitting on one couch and Alice and Jasper on another Alice began to tell us how she knew that Bella had sent us a letter.

"This one had only slight distortions, but no interference.

Bella is at school. She is sitting at the table she did junior year with Jess, Lauren, Mike, Eric, Ben, and Angela.

Angela says, 'You look like you lost your dog. Everything okay?'

Bella pauses as if in debate with herself before she admits, 'I get the sense that my friend Jake is avoiding me.'

Angela puts her hand on Bella's arm. 'I'm sorry about that, Bella. That sucks.'

Bella frowns.

Angela looks at her calmly and waits saying nothing.

After a few minutes Bella says reluctantly, 'See, there's this old friend who I haven't talked to in a while and suddenly out of the blue I got a letter from her. I wrote back, but I haven't sent it. What's the point? It's not like she lives in Forks or anything.'

'Were you close?' Angela asks patiently.

'Not my best-friend, but yeah.'

'Then maybe a pen pal would be good. They would be someone you could rant to about things here without a worry about anyone in this town finding out. I'm always here if you need, too.'

Bella looks up at Angela from the table. 'Thanks Angela that's great advice.'

Then, I saw her putting it in the mail box," Alice explained.

"How did Bella look this time?" Carlisle asked.

"I could see her almost as clearly like I used to before we left Forks," she said obviously relieved.

He nodded reflecting. "And what was her appearance like?" he pressed.

Alice frowned. "Horrible. Her face looked sunken in. Hold on." She ran upstairs, grabbed her sketchbook and came back down drawing her.

When Alice finished she showed it to us all. She was right; Bella did look horrible.

Carlisle pulled in a breath.

"What is it?" I asked him.

He looked deeply troubled, but his eyes had that look he gets when he's making an assessment of something. "If I'd have to guess, she's underweight, underfed, malnourished, perhaps dehydrated. These injuries," he pointed to her face, "must have been from the motorcycle accident. If this level of malnourishment goes on, she will shorten her lifespan. The heart can only go on for so long without basic nutrition."

Alice and I dropped our mouths open and froze in place.

Bella might die early because of whatever was happening to her. That seemed impossible; I desperately wanted to doubt Carlisle, but I couldn't.

Jasper seemed to be in shock but in a different way. He looked riddled with guilt.

Carlisle reached out and put his hand on Jasper's shoulder. "This is not your fault."

"If I hadn't," he started but seemed unable to even voice the words.

"Edward, most likely, would have found another reason," Carlisle assured Jasper. "You are not to blame for what happened that night. And you are certainly not to blame for her grief."

Jasper's eyes widened. "This is grief?" he asked his tone conveying his shock.

Carlisle dropped his head sadly. "Do you remember in Esme's story when I told Edward that in some people their grief kills them?"

Jasper nodded slowly.

"This," he lifted Alice's drawing, "is what that can look like."

"How long?" I found myself asking needing to find some way of getting ahead of this.

Then my lessons about Edward came to mind. I could not protect her from herself. What if we had caused this? Would that change how we as a family needed to act?

"Depends on her food and liquid intake and some other factors. If it's really bad it can take as little as seven years before severe signs of heart failure show up," he told us in his doctor voice as if she was just another patient, which irritated me.

Why wasn't he as upset as us? "Seven years?" I asked instead appalled.

"Worst case," Carlisle confirmed. He looked at Jasper. "I have some information in my library. You're welcome to it, if you're interested. It would be under anorexia nervosa. That would be the closest to what I'm thinking."

Jasper nodded his head slightly.

"It is treatable by human medicine?" Alice asked anxiously.

"Yes, with proper nutrition and fluids as well as exercise the impacts can be reversed as long as it hadn't gotten too bad."

"How long till then?" I wanted to know.

"Another six month or so assuming there's no change, otherwise there might be permanent damage to the heart, lungs, brain or a combination of these organs."

"Oh, Carlisle," I breathed and threw myself into his arms.

He wrapped his arms around me in comfort, but seemed to need little himself.

"Her letter can't get here soon enough," Alice stated emphatically. "Edward's fury or not, I won't stand by and let her die!" Alice was bellowing. "That boy has a lot to answer for," she added menacingly.

"We will wait till the letter arrives and decide what to do then," Carlisle said sternly. He held Alice's eyes until she nodded her consent. "You still need to keep your promise, Alice," Carlisle reminded her softly. "I know you're scared for her, but this didn't happen over night, and she won't die tomorrow. We have time."

Alice nodded in agreement, albeit extremely reluctantly.

Carlisle stood up and grabbed his things to head out.

I went out to his car with him. "Are you okay, Carlisle?" I asked in a low tone so that we would have some privacy.

"No, Esme, I am not all right. I am angry and upset, but there is nothing I can do about Bella right now. Right?" His eyes pleaded with me.

After considering his question I found myself agreeing with him and my ire with his apathy disappeared. "Hope and faith," I agreed. "That's what we have."

"Edward will come home. It may take a century, but he will come home. If we lose Bella, there's no turning back," he uttered in desperation and with a tone of fear.

"I know, Carlisle," I assured him glad that he had been upset, but just hiding it. "I'm scared too," I informed him hoping it would comfort him.

"I helped make the mess and I don't know how to fix it," he admitted with the quietest of tones and at a speed that was unusual for him.

"We all helped make the mess," I reminded him. "You weren't the only one."

"The ultimate decision lays at my feet. I could have said no," he argued.

"You already know that thought is not helpful," I insisted.

He slumped his shoulder's forward. "I know," he uttered. After a few moments his continence changed and he looked at me squarely. "Hope and faith?"

"Hope and faith. When the letter arrives I will text you and we will have more information with which to decide what to do next," I reminded him in my effort to offer him comfort. "Maybe then you'll have a problem to solve instead," I teased.

He eyed me clearly not amused by my joke. After a few seconds he spoke. "I can't let our decision and Edward's folly kill her," he said forcefully. His eyes burned with a determination and willingness to do what was needed to protect our own that I hadn't seen since James. "That is unacceptable. It goes against everything I am, my very vows as a doctor."

I hugged him tight. "We will make the right decision for our family, together. Remember what you just told us–we have time."

He took in a deep breath filling his lungs with my scent. "Yes, you are right, of course. Now I must be off to save other people's children." There was a bitterness in his words that I hadn't heard since Edward had left us to hunt humans.

As I stood there watching the car fly down the drive I couldn't help but believe that Carlisle was wrong. His reaction hadn't been about who he was as a doctor, a man, or a husband. It had about who he was as a father.

By the time Monday rolled around tension was thick in the house. We all undoubtedly knew that a great many things depended on what the letter said. Usually, no matter the situation Jasper and Alice were good company. This time Alice was driving me nuts.

She had decided not to go shopping yesterday. "In case I'm wrong and it comes today," she had told me emphatically before making herself a statue theoretically watching the letter move its way across the country.

I suspected she was even driving Jasper bonkers, as he left Tuesday morning for class seeming relieved to get out of the house.

Alice didn't even offer to go with him. Instead she sat on the front steps all morning and afternoon alternating between being statuesque and her legs jumping up and down until at four minutes past three she ran off. I hoped that she would heed my warning to not open the letter unless it was addressed to her.

Coming downstairs I waited for her knowing that she wouldn't want to have to come find me. Impatience had been oozing out of her since Carlisle's frank warnings. Given her gift and thus her capacity to almost always know what would happen before it did, this waiting was extremely strenuous on her. Despite my understanding and appreciation for her struggle, it had added unnecessary tension to the house when there was already enough.

I texted Carlisle It has arrived.

She bounded into the living room the letter in hand and dropped it into my hand carefully.

Giving it my full attention, I brought it to my nose and took in the scent. There was diesel and metal and humans I didn't know. Underneath all that was the scent that was uniquely Bella's. The moment the scent entered my system I relaxed. No matter what the letter said, she was alive when she sent it. The scent told me so. I had no idea how relieving it would be to have confirmation of that fact.

Looking up at Alice I checked in with her, "How are you doing?"

She was bouncing up on her toes moving so fast she was nearing to being a blur. Just as fast she told me, "Excited, nervous, anxious, pleased, relieved, and happy."

I smiled at her response. Clearly Jasper, with his gift of empathy, was her mate. No one else in my family would have responded so precisely or with such a nuanced list. I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Calm yourself Alice. All your waiting is almost done. The letter is here. Would it be best to wait for Jasper?" I checked with her.

She smiled widely in acknowledgement of my statement and slowed her movements slightly, but then put her hands on her hips narrowing her eyes at me as if challenging me about waiting on Jasper.

"Just checking Alice," I let her know. "I wouldn't want to upset him. We've already waited this long. A little longer won't matter that much."

"To you," she huffed and immediately continued in her rapid speech, "No, he won't mind. He knows how excited and nervous I am."

"In that case," I told her. Already having brought a letter opener down with me, I picked it up, stuck the end under the flap and cut across the top. Upon opening Bella's scent assaulted me calming me further and bringing a smile to my face.

Alice also took a deep breath in, a hesitant smile threatening.

We both looked at the other and smiled nervously.

Putting my hand gingerly into the envelope, as it, along with the letter, were bent and thus crinkled in many ways, I moved slowly afraid to tear it. With the feather lightest of touches I pulled the letter through the opening I had made and pressed the paper taut so that it could be read. Walking over to the dinning room table, I sat down while laying it out flat on the tabletop. I went through it quickly once and then back through a second time reading and digesting each word.

Dear Esme,

I suck at writing letters. Ask my mom. I thought about an email or call, but I'm not even sure I am going to mail this. Thanks for sending the letter though. It was nice to get it. Now I have something in my hand, concrete proof that I didn't imagine you. But it's also hard because it means you all really did leave. I don't blame you. I'm not upset at you or anything. He ended things between us and you're his mother. It makes sense that you would go with him.

When Alice sees me writing this letter I bet she'll know that I'm mad at her. Never bet against Alice. He told me that he had told her not to say goodbye to me. And I get why he would tell her that. A clean break was what he thought was best, but since when did she listen to anything he said? I guess she agreed with him about the clean break stuff and for that I'm upset.

Things here are getting by. Jake's been great. He's really been there for me. But he started acting all weird on Friday. Now it's Monday and he's not returning my calls. I think that's what prompted me to write. It's not like I have anyone that I can really tell things to, well other than Jake. With him down for the count that doesn't leave me anyone else and you were always such a great listener.

I guess that's it. I hope that the family is doing well and settled into your new home. Thanks for writing and listening.

Bella

Looking over at Alice, she looked horrible. Her tiny frame was scrunched up into itself. Her face had fallen and looked like she had aged a century. I wrapped her into my arms wishing we had waited for Jasper.

She fell into me.

I held her tightly whispering, "It's okay Alice. You're going to be okay," while I wondered when Jasper was planning on coming home today. He usually stayed on campus on Tuesdays not returning until late.

We stood there like that neither of us moving until I felt Jasper's calming influence.

Alice moved and I opened my arms. She ran into his. As was their way, no words were exchanged.

Looking at them both, I asked Jasper with my gaze if Alice would be all right.

He nodded the smallest of amounts and then looked past me at the letter still on the table.

I nodded at him confirming that it had arrived.

Feeling comforted that Alice was being taking care of I turned my attention back to the letter. There was something off about it. The tone didn't sound like Bella, for one, I decided. The thing about a clean break was odd. Her wording made it sound like it was something Edward had told her, but that brought my heckles up because it sounded harsh and not all like the messages we had asked him to convey to her. If it had been me after months of spending time with Carlisle, I suspected that I would have said almost anything, begged, pleaded, even bargained to try to keep him to stay. Looking at Bella's words on the printed page changed Rosalie's suspicions within me. Her supposition that perhaps Edward's and Bella's parting hadn't been as much of a mutual break as Edward had implied to us went from a possibility to a probability. Obviously if Edward had broken things off with Bella against her wishes, he would have used his cunning intellect to do so. The question remaining was how grievous were his rationales.

Thinking back to Rosalie's words, I chided myself. Who was I to presume what Bella thought or felt? She wasn't me. She said that she was upset with Alice, but not me. That also made no sense to me. How could she not be mad at me? We were the parents. That was the role that Carlisle, Edward, and I had chosen many years ago. It was certainly more like being parents to a young adult, but still we were the parents. It wasn't like Edward ruled our family and I went wherever he wanted to go. No, whatever it was that she was trying to say passed by my understanding.

Then there was the thing about concrete proof and imagining us, which made no sense to me, not to mention her handwriting. A few times when she had done her homework at our home I had noticed that she had a messy scrawl, but it looked different in the letter. Even as I brought up the images of how Bella had written before and compared it to this, apart from saying the letters looked different, I struggled to articulate what I was seeing. As grateful as I was to have her scent in my lungs and her scrawl on a paper, I felt even further from her than I had before. There were too many mysteries.

As I sat at the table trying to picture Bella writing this letter and what she might have meant I heard Alice mumble, "She hates me, Jazz. She expected that I would defy Edward and say goodbye to her, and I didn't. I've never had to say goodbye before to anyone. We never say goodbye to our friends. I didn't even think about doing it, not once, because I was certain we'd be right back. Why would I say goodbye when we were returning?"

"I know, June bug, I know," was all Jasper whispered back over and over.

After a while I could hear Alice move and pull back a little.

"Why did I listen to that numskull? Why didn't I force them into letting me at least say goodbye to her?" her tone was sad and whining. "Why didn't I know that saying goodbye would be so important? Why didn't I see?" she nearly snarled.

"Because, June bug," I heard the desperation in Jasper's voice and deep sorrow, "because you were focused on taking care of me. We haven't been human in a long time, Alice. We couldn't have known."

"Carlisle might have," Alice retorted with a low growl.

I felt my spine straighten and my desire to defend my husband fill me, but I knew that would not be wise. She didn't really mean her words. She was upset and wanted to find a way to fix things. Of everyone she had taken to looking up to Carlisle the most, perhaps even more than Edward. Carlisle was, to her, this magician who held the answer to all the problems that could ever exist. It make sense that she would be upset that he hadn't protected her from this pain, even if that very thought was unreasonable.

When Jasper's influence touched me I allowed it to relax my body.

"Maybe, but Alice, who of us have ever been best-friends with a human?" he told her in return. "Not even Carlisle. He might work with them and know them better than us, but he doesn't know everything, especially about human friendships. None of us are friends with humans. Not like you and Bella. Not even Carlisle."

Between Jasper's faux calm and his words the tension I had felt was completely gone, and I was grateful I had kept my mouth shut. It had been the better choice.

"Yeah, I know," Alice replied defeated. "I just wish I could fix it. How do I fix something I didn't even know I had messed up in the first place?" she asked despondently.

He paused a while before replying, "I don't know, June bug, but we'll figure it out together. We have Esme the most loving, caring being in existence. We have Carlisle the most compassionate, forgiving, patient being in existence. We have you, the most hopeful optimistic being I know. Please, don't worry, Alice. As long as she's alive there's hope. Don't lose hope." Then he said something low and into her ear that I couldn't hear.

The movement of their clothes moved further away from me.

Going back to my attempt to imagine Bella felt like an itch that I needed to scratch. Whatever was bubbling within me I wanted to let out, so I left the letter on the table, set up my easel in my office, and painted.

Using oil paints on canvas starting with the background and building the foreground on top I placed her hunched over on her bed as if she was trying to make herself even smaller than she already was naturally. I made her how Alice had described: gaunt, malnourished, hallow-looking, her clothes two sizes too big, her skin barely holding onto her bones. Under her I drew a notebook with a pen in her hand. Under that she had a textbook. Her hand with the pen was at the letter halfway point. The perspective was from her right side, so that her back, right leg, and right arm could be seen, but her hair concealed her face. In the background was her desk with nothing on it but her computer and a few textbooks, the window, and through the window trees. She was sitting on her purple comforter.

When I felt satisfied with what I had drawn I put everything away and looked at my phone. It was Wednesday.

Trying to make it home was in my inbox from Carlisle.

I needed to call Rosalie and then check on Alice.

"Hi, Mom," Rosalie greeted me concern in her tone.

"The letter arrived yesterday afternoon," I informed her.

"I figured. Alice is rarely wrong about those things," she stated.

"True," I agreed.

"What did it say?" she questioned her voice tight.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I checked.

"Yes," I heard her and Emmett state shortly after her reply.

I repeated the letter verbatim.

"Are we coming home?" she asked her voice void of any emotion.

"Carlisle isn't home yet," I let her know. "He's stuck at the hospital. We will need to make a decision, but you might fly here for nothing. We could always conference you in, if you wished."

"I want to be there," she told me certainly.

"Sure, honey?" I verified.

"Yes," her tone was firm.

"If that's what you think is best," I relented.

"We are in Asia somewhere. We will be there as soon as we can. Wait for us, please," she requested.

"We will probably discuss aspects of it before then," I let her know gently.

"That's fine," her muttered angrily.

"Be safe, darling. I love you."

"Thanks, Mom. See you soon."

"Soon," I reiterated trying to give her courage and hope right before the phone disconnected.

When I came downstairs Alice and Jasper were at the table holding hands with Jasper staring at the letter. They both looked up when I sat down in the chair across from Jasper.

Reaching out across the table, I placed my hand on top of his, which was in a tight ball.

"I could literally tear that son of a gun limbs apart and keep the parts in separate boxes for a while for what he has done," Jasper said low and menacingly his tone lethal.

I squeezed his clenched hand in silent support.

Alice reached out her hand flat on the table and I put my hand in her palm wrapping my fingers around her wrist. She shook her head back and forth.

We were like that when Carlisle came in some time after the sun had risen. He paused when he saw us. We three raised our eyes and looked at him, the space that had enveloped us broken.

"That bad?" he asked slowly concern coating his words.

Jasper took his hand from under mine and slid the letter from the centre of the three of us over to the head of the table, where Carlisle sat down to my right. He reached out his left hand for mine and I gave it to him eagerly. It seemed that my touch settled him. He looked down at the letter, then bent in closely and took in Bella's scent deeply and for longer than I had. We were fortunate that she had touched it as much as she had, as her oils had become embedded into the paper. After a few seconds he then read it like I had–once through and again at a slow human pace. When he was done he looked up at each of us.

Alice still looked shaken and sad.

Jasper's look was stoic, but his eyes were still burning with fury.

Mostly I felt confused.

"Alice, let's start with you," Carlisle asked softly and tenderly.

She stared at him like she really didn't want to talk, but Carlisle just looked back at her in his non-intrusive gentle way.

Finally she seemed to relent. "I was really upset when I read it." She shook her head back and forth. "I had no idea that not saying goodbye would be so upsetting to her and I didn't see it. I feel horrible about it."

Carlisle shook his head albeit much more slowly than Alice had. "I would have never guessed." His voice was unusually low. If I would deduce, I'd say that he was feeling guilty and bad that he couldn't have foreseen this. "Sometimes my co-workers like to throw me a departing party," he continued but his voice more contemplative, "but that would be after years of working there. It seems to be human's way of marking that things are changing, that something that meant something to them is ending. I have some hypotheses about the psychological and physiological benefits to the practise, but it is something that possibly I will never fully understand. It is a human thing. Nevertheless, I humour them when I can. But Bella seems to be talking about something more than you saying the words, Alice. Your guess is probably better than mine. You knew her better."

Alice's body loosened up and some of the scowl left. "When we say our farewells to the Denalis or Peter and Charlotte we know we'll see them soon enough, and although it's polite to say goodbye, they would never be upset if I wasn't able to offer them a leaving greeting, especially if I was taking care of Jasper. They would understand, and I would just explain the next time I would see them. I thought it was the same for Bella." She paused in reflection and appeared to be reviewing her memories. "It seemed like it was hard for her to leave Phoenix and her mother before coming to Forks, but they talked regularly and they expected to see each other again. I mean Bella didn't like talking about herself much. I know she missed her mom, but didn't want to go back and live with her. But maybe me leaving Forks wasn't like that for her. It's like she is asking me to give her something, except that I don't know what it is. I don't understand, Carlisle. I mean we'd see each other again soon. I was certain of it, and told Edward to tell her so," she admitted.

"None of us could have known, Alice," Carlisle said reassuringly comforting her with his gaze.

"Except Edward," Jasper growled deeply. "That son of a gun said something to her, lied to her probably. Certainly seems like he told Bella that Alice wouldn't be in touch with her again, even though Alice told Edward otherwise."

"Have you been in contact?" Carlisle asked.

"No, not yet," Jasper replied briskly. "I closed all the email accounts and enacted all the regular protocols just as I was told to. Alice's been waiting." His tone held contempt for being required to do so, and his stare challenged Carlisle.

"Thank you Jasper for doing that. I appreciate all that you do for the family," Carlisle responded warmly.

The words melted Jasper. His tone was more contemplative when he spoke again, "but certainly Edward knew that Alice expected us to be back to Forks by now." He took a breath. "I don't know what he really said, but when he has the guts to show his face I plan on beating it out of him." Jasper was seethinghis gift spreading it and touching me slightly. "Bella's anger at Alice primarily belongs at Edward's feet."

"Tell me what you mean, Jasper. You obviously see something I don't." Carlisle's tone seemed to soothe Jasper's rage some.

When Jasper spoke once more he was pensive with only ire showing his gift no longer sending anything out. "Bella loved Alice, not like how she loved Edward, but nonetheless." He paused and looked thoughtful. "If love between mates is the crimson red of blood, friendship love like between Alice and Bella would be hot pink with glitter. It would be vibrant and exciting and fun. Few humans feel like that between each other. Truthfully, I've never felt anything quite like it. Say, the Denalis emotions towards one another are deep like the ocean full of rich strong constant tones, certainly due to their years together. Or the emotions between Edward and Emmett would have some similar qualities to the Denalis, but also have a few of the lighter tones of how Alice and Bella were. The differences are most likely due to the age of the Danalis verses Edward and Emmett, but also personality and history.

"Part of the tone of the emotion that existed between Alice and Bella is Alice's bubbling nature, but the richness that came off Bella when she was around Alice was full of texture. For what Bella says in the letter to be true at all, I would have to guess that when Edward told Bella we were leaving she asked about Alice, due to the emotional connection of their realtionship. My conjecture would be that Edward told her that he had told Alice no and that a clean break was best for both of them. In some twisted Edward logic that might make sense, but from an emotional state it doesn't work like that. Emotions are not light switches. You can't just turn them off and you certainly can't make them go away with a clean break.

"Given Bella's words and knowing her emotional temperament the little I do, I would speculate that us leaving, instead of a break like tearing a limb, would be more like a bite–ragged, difficult to heal, and forever marked. Perhaps, because of the bond between Alice and Bella, Bella assumed that Alice would know that leaving without an explanation or acknowledgement of the upcoming loss would create the kind of wound it has. Bella seemed to know this would happen without the goodbye she implied. Bella also seems to have fully believed whatever Edward told her and held onto no hope that Alice would come back."

He looked at Alice and they exchanged something between them before he continued. "Alice only left because she was certain it was temporary. If not, no offense, Carlisle, but we would have, most likely, not followed your orders. Even a temporary break was going to be hurtful to my Alice. We only agreed because Alice was confident that a temporary break would allow Edward to see what a colossal fool he was being. Alice was willing to suffer the loss of her friendship short-term to make Edward and this family, by extension, happy long-term." Jasper seemed more collected than he had been moments before. Then he added, "Only Edward did something," Jasper growled. "Bella's health is in danger, and at this rate is might be too late before Edward gets a clue. Alice might have needlessly suffered, even though it was her choice. All of this was preventable if either Edward or you would have been willing to listen to Alice or I and see beyond your God-forsaken entrenched ideas." Jasper was fuming, but fortunately for all of us not projecting.

The last time I had seen him remotely like this was when Maria had visited us. But even then it was more apprehensive and less livid. If I didn't know him and trust him with my life, I might have been frightened. Instead I saw a hurt and scared young man upset at his powerlessness to protect the woman he loved.

My husband looked like he had gone twelve rounds with Jasper and come out defeated.

I tightened my grip on his hand.

Carlisle looked into Jasper's eyes. "Jasper, I know my apology will never take away the hurt I've caused this family. I hurt Alice, and I hurt Bella. Esme is right that I acted on what I thought was best for us all at the time, but it is clear now that I was wrong. Logically Edward was correct. Our proximity to her was adding danger to her life and leaving did keep her safer from that danger. I believed that by leaving we were bringing her out of danger and away from hurt. But it seems like I grossly miscalculated. Instead we've ended up surrounded on all sides. I am deeply and entirely sorry for the pain my choice has caused both of you. I need you, Jasper, by my side. I can't get us out of this mess without you."

Jasper's posture relaxed and the fury weakened in his eyes.

Carlisle continued, "You did not fail your wife. You did not fail this family. I should have listened to you then. I was the fool. I was more wrapped up in my rationales and reasonings than to listen to my heart and the heart of my children. For that, I will be eternally sorry. I am listening now Jasper. You have my full and undivided attention."

Those words seemed to rock Jasper to his core.

Carlisle leaned over to him and put his hand on Jasper's shoulder.

We stayed like that until Jasper looked more like his regular calm collected self.

Jasper looked at Carlisle in a way that I've never seen between them before.

Carlisle simply nodded back to whatever Jasper was conveying.

"The war is not lost," I barely heard Carlisle say to Jasper.

"Yes, sir," was Jasper's equally quiet reply.

I caught Alice's eye and she smiled slowly sadness still etched onto her features.

We both turned back to the boys.

Carlisle looked contemplative, "Perhaps Alice and Jasper you're right. Perhaps the goodbye Bella expected is because she believes, based on Edward's words, that she would never see you again, whereas with her mother she expects contact to continue. Certainly, if it weren't for Esme's imagining I would not have considered that we would have reached out to her again. Although I did hope that like Esme, she would serendipitously come back into our lives, and I had believed that when that happened Edward would feel differently."

Alice looked at him jaw-smacked. Jasper looked bewildered.

Smiling knowingly I looked at my husband. He had wished for Edward what had happened for himself. It had been the most he could imagine for his son, well, at least before my imaginings.

Carlisle frowned and his eyebrows furrowed together. "It would seem that I was wrong about that as well. Just like in Esme's story, perhaps some kind of correspondence like email would have been better for her. I thought cutting off ties would make things safer for her, as I wouldn't expect her to understand the danger of communication in that forum in terms of our secret. And removing our connections to her certainly aided in keeping her safe from the Volturi, which was my primary concern at the time." He looked at Alice. "I am sorry for the pain this has caused you."

Alice nodded, "Well I didn't object to the plan, in fact I remember agreeing to that part, for the very reasons you just said. If we weren't going to be near, I wanted to keep her safe. Well, as safe as Bella can be."

Carlisle smiled in thanks to her.

Jasper had the strategy look that he gets.

Before he could talk I interjected. "I promised Rosalie that we would not talk strategy or make any decisions until they get here."

"Did she say when she would arrive?" Carlisle asked me.

"No," I answered. "She didn't know herself when I last spoke to her."

We all three automatically turned to Alice.

"What? Now you want me to search the future? Sure, fine then," she grumbled, but there was playfulness and teasing in her eyes. She stilled herself and her eyes glazed over. "Less than four hours. They must be on the direct flight from Hong Kong to JFK. They will be landing in an hour. Customs might slow them down some. Then they'll collect their car and drive straight here."

We all nodded.

Carlisle looked at Jasper. "Would you mind if we continued going around the table conveying our reactions to the letter itself and wait for Rosalie and Emmett to discuss opinions for action?"

"I'm done," Jasper replied stiffly.

Carlisle assessed him briefly and then turned to me.

I looked down at our intertwined hands. "Honestly, my primary reaction other than sadness was confusion, although what Jasper said helped some."

"What were you confused about, love?" Carlisle asked curious.

Thinking about how to answer I told them, "Wait there please."

Going upstairs to my office, I grabbed my drawing and brought it back down. Standing behind my chair, I showed them the backside and then turned it around holding it up.

"This," I told them softly.

Alice gasped.

My eyes were on Jasper. He looked simultaneously impressed and torn apart.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched Carlisle struggle to keep his face neutral. It was the look he carried when he had gotten home from a particularly difficult day and he wanted to keep the challenging things he had seen from our children. Then behind closed doors his face would turn into anguish.

After a moment I continued my thought. "This is what I imagined when I read the letter and I don't understand it."

They all just stared at my painting for a really long time.

It was Jasper that broke the silence. "Can you tell me, Esme, what you were feeling while you painted this?"

Thinking about how to answer I tried to find the words. "It wasn't that much different than other times I have painted. Just like any other time I tried to capture what I was imagining. I thought putting it on paper would help me. Like I explained in Newfoundland, usually I am imagining how things might turn out in the best 'what if' I can conjure." I scrunched my face as I pondered and reflected. "This time I was wanting to capture the image that Bella's words created within me. I wasn't looking for a 'what if', I wanted to capture a 'what was'. I found her tone different than the Bella I recall. And I found many things she said confusing. But I wasn't trying to capture my emotions in reading it. I was trying to capture how I imagined her feeling when she was writing it."

Once more I paused and reflected, but was unable to add to my thoughts. "I don't know if I can explain much more, Jasper."

"It looks so much like how I saw her in my vision, Esme," Alice stated faintly as if she were scared to admit it. "Only, this is worse somehow. I can't explain it, Esme, but you also captured the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I could not or would not see. She looks hollow in a way here that my sketch did not portray."

She seemed unable to look away, as did Jasper and Carlisle.

Carlisle opened and closed his mouth many times. Finally he uttered, "It is mesmerizing, Esme. It has evoked so many emotions in me I don't know if I could even name them all."

Jasper appeared as if he was containing a snigger.

"Truly, Esme, there are no words that would do it justice. I simply could have never imagined that our leaving could have that kind of affect." He shook his head. "Could you please describe what confused you? You mentioned her tone and some of the things she said."

"The tone just didn't sound like her, but her being upset might explain the difference there." I pondered. "I didn't understand the saying goodbye thing to Alice, although I think our conversation helped quite a bit. I was also confused about the clean break reference, but again our conversation helped me out there. In addition, there was the line about concrete proof. I didn't understand that at all."

They all gazed at my painting, but their eyes told me that they were all trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for that bit.

"I don't get it," Alice admitted after a while.

"My only guess is that she's referencing something that Edward said, but outside of that, I have no good ideas," Jasper relayed.

"Me either. I'm at a loss as well," Carlisle confessed.

Shortly after we heard Rose's BMW coming up the drive.

"In here," Carlisle called to them.

When Rosalie came passing into the doorway she looked at me and then at the painting. "What is that?" she asked bewildered.

"That was Esme's attempt to capture Bella as she wrote the letter," Carlisle explained his tone reverent and distressed.

"That is Bella?" she breathed as if she had no air left.

"Only my impression," I tried to explain meekly.

"Which is the physical attributes I saw in my vision plus more," Alice added sombrely.

"There's no way that's Bella," Emmett declared definitely as if saying it would make it so.

"I promise, Emmett, that's Bella," Alice pleaded.

"Can't be," Emmett retorted emphatically. "That there is a walking corpse. That couldn't possibly be our Bella."

"Read the letter," instructed Carlisle.

Moving to put the painting down on the ground behind me, Carlisle came back with a stack of books. "Let's put that here," he instructed.

Taking the books, we made a form of wall against which we propped the painting near the other end of the table.

I went and took my seat next to Carlisle.

Rosalie came and sat next to me.

Emmett sat across from her.

It wasn't our regular table conference seating, but then we were short one. As I looked around I realized that things would never be the same as they had been; they had been irrevocably changed.

After Rosalie and Emmett were both settled, Carlisle turned to Jasper, "Would you be so kind as to get them up to speed?"

"Certainly." Then he turned towards them keeping an eye on the painting like he couldn't let it out of his sight. "Alice was very upset about Bella being upset. We discussed what Bella might have meant by wishing Alice would of said goodbye. I expressed my irritation at Edward and my opinion that he lied to Bella when he explained us leaving. Esme shared her painting and confusion. Then you got home."

"What confusion?" Rosalie turned and asked me.

"Two were cleared up mostly–her tone and the statement about a clean break. The one we were discussing right before you got home was us not being real."

Rosalie looked like she was pondering something.

We all waited for her.

"Edward said once that 'She sees me as a type of hero and our life a fairy tale.'" She sounded just like Edward had in that moment. "So, maybe she was having a hard time holding onto the idea that we had been real, since she thought of our life as a fairy tale. And if Edward was being a colossal prick, he would have played on that. Given his massively arrogant backward thinking, he might even believe that if she thought we weren't real, then she would move on quicker."

"Why would Edward do such a thing?" Alice asked indignantly.

The rest of us were in disbelief.

Rosalie smiled menacingly. "Because, like you, Alice, he thinks he knows what's best for others." She paused and when she spoke again the bite was out of her tone. "At least you're nice about it and there's some room to say no. Edward just does what he thinks is best, especially when it came to Bella, without any thought to the possible fallout. She held onto every word he spoke like it was gold. If he had said that the earth was flat, she would have probably bought it. But Edward," she spat his name, "uses what's in other people's heads against them for their own good, well his version anyway, as if he was some God-like figure. You take that all together and voila, Bella is doubting our reality and, no doubt, her own sanity."

We all stared at her.

"What?" Rosalie asked resentfully.

"Thank you for your insight," Carlisle finally managed to say. "Your brother does have redeeming qualities."

"Please," Rosalie stated haughtily. "Don't defend him. I know he's not all bad, but he isn't a golden child like you want to believe. He is an arrogant twat that would have saved himself, Bella, and this family a lot of pain if he would have been willing to listen to anyone but himself."

"I think we can all agree now that Edward's request was not in his nor Bella nor this family's best interest. I apologise again, Rosalie, for the role I played in that mistake," Carlisle told her sincerely.

"Well, you weren't the only one," I heard her grumble.

We all waited for her to say more.

"Look, I spent the last two months thinking about Esme's tale and Bella. I still think it's a raw deal she's getting, but I was as arrogant as Edward about it. I acted like I knew what was best for her. I still think she doesn't see us clearly. I still think she would make a mistake by choosing this, but Esme's tale made me realise that it wasn't my choice to make. And I was being as much as a prick as Edward about it." She glared at each of us.

I took her hand covering it with mine.

"For which I owe you all an apology. I went about things the wrong way. No one deserves that." She waved her hand towards the painting keeping her back to it. "I still think we should have left her alone from the beginning, but we didn't. Can't change that now. If we really caused that, we should fix it." Then she looked dejectedly over to Emmett.

He glared at Carlisle. "So, can I go hunt Edward down now and tear him apart and keep him in separate boxes for a while?"

Alice and I shook our heads.

Carlisle smiled grimly. "Jasper already made the request," Carlisle informed him dismally.

Emmett looked questioningly at Jasper their eye contact clearly encouraging one another. Then Jasper shook his head, but there was a shrug there that implied that the option wasn't completely off the table.

"It was determined that the priority should be Bella," Carlisle continued.

"But if the smarmy bastard showed his face?" Emmett asked menacingly.

"Then we can discuss possible consequences at that time," was all Carlisle would concede.

Even that was unlike Carlisle. I suspected that inside Carlisle held the same desire that Jasper and Emmett had voiced.

"Now what?" Rosalie asked heavily.

"Would you share your reaction Rosalie?" Carlisle offered to her.

"I'm good. Just that letter is depressing," she tacked on at the end.

"Emmett?" Carlisle asked looking at him.

"Look, Edward's my brother and I made a mistake by going along with him. Maybe I just forgot how fragile humans are or how fragile some girls are, but that," he waved his hand at the painting, "is unacceptable. We would not be Cullens if we allowed that to continue, if we have the capacity to end it. She looks tortured and like she's on death's door. We don't kill humans. It's our thing. So, as I see it, it's simple. We go get her and make her a Cullen," he growled out in his low tone that sounded like a warning.

"Thank you," Carlisle stated. "We're glad you're here and returned. Anything else to add?" he checked.

We all shook our heads no.

"Now we discuss what we want to do next," he announced without his usual preamble.