The reference to Alice and Jasper travelling and being in the wilderness in 1950 comes from Jessica314's story Tale of Years:1950 here on FF.
The reference to Edward only sporadically answering his phone is inspired by Saudade by HaemophilusLeona here on FF.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 1 Jan 18)
Chapter 5: Near Miss
Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and I looked at Carlisle with uncertainty. He knew humans best. He was a doctor, after all. How were we to know the best way to proceed?
After a while of no one speaking, Alice in a small mousy voice uttered, "I'd like to try to explain to Bella why I didn't say goodbye."
Although I understood her sentiment and wished to do some thing similar, I wasn't sure of what was best for Bella or our family. It seemed that everyone else equally uncertain, as no one commented.
After an extended silence I questioned Carlisle, "How can Bella best be helped?"
He looked at each of us. "Based on the residue of her scent I can make some educated guesses on what she needs physically, but I'm no longer her physician so am missing critical elements of her medical record in order to draw any firm conclusions." He paused slightly before continuing. "Nevertheless, based on her scent alone, my guess would be that she's dangerously low on some essential vitamins and minerals, which is disrupting some of her normal functioning and potentially, without treatment, could begin to have an impact on her internal organs. Presumably there is nothing physically stopping her from absorbing these elements, unless she had another accident or acquired some ailment. Thus, based on my limited information, her diagnosis would be to ensure her consumption of the nutrients she needs and refer her to a clinical mental health professional to address her emotional well-being," Carlisle stated in his doctor tone, which upset me, since she wasn't a patient.
Allowing the possibility that he too was upset, and being in doctor mode was how he was coping with his feelings, I let my ire go focusing once more on what Bella might need.
Then Carlisle turned to Jasper. "Anything you would have to offer from your psychology classes?"
Jasper stilled clearly retrieving his memories. His studies of psychology had been entirely theoretical, not to mention that before his Introduction to Psychology class this semester at Dartmouth the last psychology class he had attended in person had been in 1988.
"I can't really say," he stated deliberately eventually. "While we were in Forks I took those classes for an online master's in general psychology like you suggested, but, as you know, they were intended to aid me with my gift and control."
Carlisle appeared like he wanted to frown, but was holding his features neutral. After a moment he explained to Jasper, "I was simply hoping a teacher might have said something that would help in this case. From what I understand usually the treatment for severe depression is psychotherapy at least once a week, most likely twice, with anti-depressants prescribed by a psychiatrist."
"Are you suggesting a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder?" Jasper questioned Carlisle clearly trying to put bits of information together, perhaps even pulling on random things that his brain had stored, but until this moment had not needed to pay attention to.
"I don't know that field well enough to make a diagnosis, nor do I have enough information regarding Bella. No, simply I was hoping some of your classes could help," Carlisle stated diplomatically.
"I'm not good with humans, Carlisle," Jasper replied as if he was uncomfortable with Carlisle's questions. After a moment he added, "I can tell you the criteria needed to make that diagnosis, but I don't know what those symptoms would actually look like."
"I understand," Carlisle agreed. "Share what you think might be pertinent from what you've learned."
Jasper paused a minute. "Assuming that she's clinically depressed, the symptoms can be depressed mood, diminished interest or pleasure in activities, significant weight loss or gain, trouble sleeping, psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, diminished ability to think or concentrate, and recurrent thoughts of death. Many individuals are suicidal." He sounded like he was reading out of a textbook.
His tone caused me to wonder if he cared for Bella at all. Was his desire to have Bella join the family simply because it was the best tactical move for his wife? Even though his tone and presentation made the idea tempting to conclude, I refused to believe that Jasper was that cold-hearted.
Collectively we looked at my painting as if it would tell us the risk of her killing herself.
To me it seemed as if she was already doing it, just slower than a bullet to the brain. I wondered if that was the tone that had confused me. "Could that explain the motorcycles?" I pondered out loud.
"Motorcycles?" Emmett asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Alice said impassively with slight annoyance probably from having to repeat herself. "She got some motorbikes and had someone fix them up for her and then hit her head while she tried to learn to ride it."
"Bella rode a motorcycle?" Emmett's tone was a mix of being impressed and appalled.
"You said that she would be recommended to talk to someone to get better?" I asked Carlisle wanting to steer us back on track.
"I couldn't say for sure," Carlisle admitted and then looked at Jasper.
"That's what my teachers often said, but I never really understood the concept, honestly," Jasper answered.
"Could that be what she meant about not really having anyone to talk about things to?" I pushed them.
Carlisle looked over at Jasper.
Jasper paused reflecting. "Yes, that could be. She had been determined to not tell our secret, and her loyalty along with fidelity to us was high. If the Jake she referred to is Jacob Black, then he would know of our nature, since he had revealed it in the first place, so he could be someone in whom she could confide without breaking her fidelity. Given her statement, combined with what Alice saw, then it could very well be that her letter was stating her need to have someone to talk with."
"If that were the case, what would have your studies usually recommended?" Carlisle asked Jasper.
Jasper stilled once more. When he spoke he sounded like a lecturer from college. "To create a safe, trusting space where she could express her thoughts and feelings." His face furrowed in thought as if he were putting pieces of a puzzle together. After a while he looked up at Carlisle. "Over the summer when she visited our home she radiated quite a bit of trust towards Esme, but that might be diminished since we left, as in the beginning of the letter she stated that she understands Esme making Edward her priority. Then there is an issue of our secrecy. We cannot risk a letter falling into the wrong hands and email is not secure enough, neither is phone."
"Well, it's not like there a human psychologist she can talk to," Rosalie added sarcastically.
"No," agreed Carlisle after a moment's thought. "That would also be problematic."
"Sound like your options are either that she tells our secret bringing the Volturi down on us or goes crazy," Rosalie commented with ire at Carlisle.
Carlisle looked at her frowning and agreed, "Honestly, her options are limited."
"So let's go get her," Emmett declared. "Problem solved."
Alice lit up at his idea.
Carlisle smiled empathetically at her. "Perhaps," was all that he said.
"So, other than writing her back, what other option do we have?" I asked cautiously.
"Moving back to Forks," Alice stated emphatically.
"Except for boys carrying wolf genes that disturb your gift," declared Jasper.
"It would be fine," Alice retorted.
It was odd to see them fight. Was this how everyone else felt when Carlisle and I disagreed?
Jasper blew air out his nose heavily, but said nothing.
"I think it's too pre-emptive to consider moving at this stage," Carlisle claimed his features soft as he looked at Alice and then Emmett. "We really don't know if Bella would want to re-engage in relationships with us nor if us being there would make things worse for her health. Her letter did not give us any indication on what she might need. I think Rosalie's words in January were wise. We need more information," he pointed out.
Alice pouted.
Jasper nodded grimly.
Emmett looked glum, while in agreement.
Rosalie looked contemplative, but said nothing.
"Then shall I write another letter?" I asked everyone trying to break our deadlock.
Everyone nodded in the affirmative.
"Yes, my love," Carlisle said confirming our decision. "Perhaps if it goes out with the post tonight it could arrive to Bella's by next Monday the sixth. Objections?"
There were none. Getting up I went to my office to write the letter.
Carlisle asked Alice and Jasper to fill Rosalie and Emmett in to the conversations we had while they had been away. They agreed. Then Carlisle went to his office, most likely to write in his journals.
It took me some time, but I wrote the responding letter to Bella. Everyone read it and no one objected or asked for a change. Jasper and Alice went into town and put the letter into the post box at the closest post office while Rosalie and Emmett went hunting. The cover story that had been easily decided was that I had been in Ithaca visiting Jasper when I posted the reply. Certainly Jasper would have made the digital trail to match that.
"Alone at last," I greeted Carlisle from the doorway to his office after everyone had left the house.
"I missed you, my love," he admitted with great longing, his eyes still on the papers in front of him.
"And I you," I agreed.
Coming in I sat on his couch. "Do you want to tell me what transpired between you and Jasper at the table?"
He looked up from his desk at me and paused before answering. "Hopefully I communicated to him in the language he understands my deep sorrow for the hurt I inadvertently caused Alice, and how much we need him. His gift and his education in psychology alone are invaluable tools."
Pausing I measured his words before questioning him, "Certainly that's the case, but hopefully there is more to it than what he brings?"
He looked briefly flustered before answering, "I wasn't trying to imply otherwise."
"Just checking that I understood you. In truth I hope that he can be supportive of the family's decisions as well."
His face contorted into puzzlement. "I didn't think about it that way, but yes, I hope that he does not just agrees for Alice's sake, but is in support of doing what is in Bella's best interest and is willing to assist in whatever we decide."
Nodding in agreement I asked, "And the look he gave you?"
He looked down. "During our exchange he sent me what I assume was how Alice was feeling. As I was better able to convey to him my regret, he seemed placated but hesitant to trust me to the degree that he has before. The trust that had existed between us prior to us leaving Forks took a long time to build. In many ways he has controlled a coven much more lethal than our family. If we were more conventional and Jasper a different man, he could easily challenge me. He doesn't for many reasons, but that doesn't change how reluctant he is to trust implicitly after Maria, especially about anything that has to do with Alice. Nonetheless, what I conveyed seemed to shift something within him. Time will tell," he concluded.
Moments passed between us and it seemed like he was holding back on me.
"Talk to me, Carlisle," I requested.
"I lost four patients and I feel like we're losing Bella," he admitted grieved. "Your painting was gripping, Esme. It tore my heart out. I don't want to imagine how Charlie feels or how much he might hate us right now. I believe that your painting helped things between Jasper and I in the long run, but I cannot get that image from my mind."
His words instantly dissolved any lingering doubt and ire that I had held against him for the use of his doctor tone. "Did you want to go and track down Edward and quarter him as well?" I checked my tone slightly playful.
"Yes," he admitted guiltily.
"Does this mean that we care more for Bella than our first son?" I asked uncertainly and with guilt clouding my words.
"No," he answered slowly. "I think it means that we are, perhaps for the first time, seeing that our son, although alone, is capable of taking care of himself in ways that Bella is not, even though she is human and has a whole host of other humans around her that care for her." He paused. "I also think that all of us carry some measure of guilt for Bella's state and condition, much more than for Edward's, since his suffering is more or less the results of his own choices, although we did go along with it. However, I am certain that if Edward knew Bella's state, he would be devastated."
"Yes," I concluded confidently. "I am sure that you are right about that."
"What do we do now?" he asked me.
"Hope and faith," I answered having nothing else to suggest.
"Hope and faith," he repeated resigned.
Carlisle came over to me and we held one another finding comfort in each other's arms. Kissing quickly turned into more. Carlisle picked me up and at a speed that he rarely travelled took me to our bedroom. Once there he took his time undressing me, and showing me his longing for me. There was a neediness for comfort that was rare for him, but, then again, it had been a trying day. Soon enough Bella's gaunt face and sad demeanour faded from my mind and there was only Carlisle.
We finally separated Thursday evening when Carlisle was called into work. He suspected that I wouldn't see him again for three to five days. When I came out of our room Alice and Jasper had returned.
Alice was confident that Bella would have my responding letter in her mailbox by Monday. Like the first one, there was no return mail address on the envelope, only my handwriting. We had hoped that Bella would recognise my script. She had seemed to for the first letter, so we were confident that method would work once more.
Thursday, after Carlisle had gone to work, I spent my time on my blueprints for this house, which were finally beginning to take the shape. Once a few of my ideas were on paper, even if they weren't finished, I had found myself needing to express in paint the Bella I had known in Forks. Consequently, I spent all of Friday painting attempting to capture from a memory a time when Bella had sat out on the deck watching me garden. Saturday late in the evening, after the painting had all but the finishing touches on it, I found myself unable to stop comparing it to the painting downstairs. The four kids were all aware that I was painting and, thus, were probably curious of the subject matter, since they usually were. However, I wasn't ready to share my new painting yet. After it was complete, I went back to my blueprints.
Emmett and Jasper spent time together as did Alice and Rosalie. All of them seemed in better form by the time the sun rose in Saturday morning.
In the middle of me trying to figure out the north side of the second floor of the house, Alice shrieked, "Bella! Bella! What are you doing? Please don't do that. Please stop."
Immediately all three of us were in her and Jasper's bedroom watching him try to calm her.
"Alice, sweet pea, you're okay, it's okay, come back to me, June bug," he murmured to her over and over his southern drawl heavy.
After ten excruciatingly long minutes, the gaze in her eyes shifted signalling that the vision had ended.
"Tell us what happened; it's over now," Jasper cooed.
Alice got that flat monotone voice she got sometimes when she would retell a vision. "Bella has decided to go to Edward's meadow, the one he took her to on their first date."
We all nodded. None but Alice had been there, but we all knew to what she was referring.
"She's going to drive over there and hike," she spat the word, "through the woods. There's a fair amount of certainty that she'll get lost, but will find it eventually. In the most likely future it will take her hours. By the time that she gets there she'll nearly have to turn around, assuming that she wants to make it out before dark, although she hasn't decided on that bit, so her getting out of the forest is hazy at best."
"Is she damaged in any way?" Emmett asked softly.
"She's bleeding from scraps and falls. Her jeans are torn and muddy, but she's still able to walk by the time she arrives at the meadow, assuming the future doesn't change."
"That's better than her dead," Emmett stated seriously. "You shouldn't scare us like that, Ali. Don't you remember that little-bit is fragile? Edward reminded us incessantly enough about it, as if we didn't have flawless memories." He looked like he was trying to tease Alice, but there was too much genuine concern on his part for it to come off playful.
"This is just ridiculous," Rosalie huffed and ran out the door down the stairs and into the forest surrounding us.
"This sucks," Emmett added softly before he ran after her.
"We all agree," Jasper confirmed to Alice.
Alice looked at him sadly and then crumpled back into his body.
Looking at them both, Jasper appeared slightly concerned but nodded at me as if indicating that she would be okay.
Closing the door behind me softly to allow Jasper to comfort her without an audience, I tried to go back to my blueprints, but I couldn't concentrate. Instead I decided to try to paint again. Needing hope I settled on painting Bella as I had dreamed she would be one day–one of us, running and hunting alongside us all.
It wasn't that I wished for her human life to end, and certainly being a vampire was a difficult life at times, but my life as a human had been far worse, and I believed Bella was meant to come into our lives. What other reason could there have been than for her to become a Cullen? Alice had seen it from the beginning, after all.
Sitting for a while staring at the canvas, I tried to discover if I wanted the painting to be just of her or if I should include us. Opting to have the view of her be from her back, I added Alice's and my hands in hers running with her. The background colours were nearly complete when I heard Alice wail.
Darting to their room once more and opening the door without permission, I found her and Jasper in a similar position to how I had left them.
"Laurent no, you can't, don't. Please," Alice pleaded.
Then Alice came to. "Laurent is going to be in the meadow and he's thirsty. We need to call the Denalis. NOW!" she bellowed causing the windowpanes to vibrate.
"They could never stop him in time. They're too far away," I told her softly completely defeated.
We were going to lose Bella.
I texted Carlisle 911 call home.
"Jasper, please," Alice begged him.
The look on his face for the briefest of moments was pure agony before it was the calm neutral expression he usually wore.
"Tell me what happened," Jasper instructed the strength of his gift intense his features contorted in a way that I had never seen before. Despite the distance of the room's length from them and where, I stood near the doorway I felt a strange sensation of limpness, which since it was anatomically impossible was disconcerting.
Alice's voice was hollow and empty as she spoke. "She already decided to go to the meadow and Laurent was already hunting for a stray hiker when he smelled blood. He's going to track the scent to the meadow and come across Bella. It's not certain, but likely, that he will tell Bella that he was scouting the area doing a favour for Victoria. In that vision what he says scares Bella. There's a good chance she'll try to run.
"If that's the decision she makes, he most likely will stalk her taunting that we left her undefended playing with her before he drains her dry. There's a slight chance that he might state that it's nothing personal against her and will claim that he won't make it hurt too much like Victoria would have, if she had been the one to find Bella, and kills her without much fuss. There are other possibilities that are very fuzzy, but in almost all of them my vision of her goes black. She dies in his arms," she wailed grasping onto Jasper so hard that she tore his shirt.
"You didn't see Laurent bite her in every possibility?" I asked cautiously clinging on to this minuscule glimmer of hope. If Bella's fate was sealed, then it was only a matter of time. Nothing could be done.
"No," she said slowly as she shook her head the grief that had overcome her still apparent.
"Could even one of the possible futures ending in black be from something other than her death?" Jasper asked hesitantly looking slightly less tortured and more contemplative.
Alice frowned even more so, but her lamenting calmed some. "I suppose it's possible," she answered uncertainly. "But this was more than interference," she stated as if she was arguing with herself. "This was like she stopped broadcasting."
"Have you ever watched someone in your vision and them stop broadcasting?" he asked softly as if he already knew the answer.
She rolled her eyes and said irritably, "You silly, but then you'd come back, and they weren't as likely, as usually the whole battle was fuzzy."
"When you did see me die, did it look the same as what you just got from Bella?" he asked gently.
She frowned and then closed her eyes stilling in concentration.
"The blackness is the same, but it feels different. With you it felt like one possibility, with her it feels nearly certain."
"Would it be possible at all for the interference to have increased to do that?" Jasper pressed her.
Alice's frown deepened. "Yes, I suppose it's possible, but that makes no sense. If it is Jake, how could he have stopped her broadcasting all together, and with Laurent there?"
"You said yourself, her surviving is unlikely, but as long as there's some chance, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. At this point we have no option but to wait and see anyway," Jasper said out loud.
"Unless the family gives me permission to search for Bella, yes," was Alice's sad reply.
"Well, Rose and Emmett aren't far away. We could call them home, and perhaps we could conference Carlisle in?" I offered.
Alice stilled. "He's in surgery now. It's not determined how long it will take yet."
"He'll call as soon as he's out," I affirmed.
Whatever cocktail Jasper had sent to Alice seemed to be reined in, so I joined them waiting on the floor, but giving them a ten foot berth.
I texted Rosalie and Emmett Please come home.
Surreptitiously I began to watch them both. As I imagined what Jasper might be going through at the moment, his willingness to do anything to keep Alice happy, even even go against the family's wishes took on a new meaning. Alice's emotional world was his emotional world. Like all mates, if she was not well, he would not be well, but somehow his gift made that truth seem to have even more weight and thus danger for them both.
"Even if they're too far away to stop it, should we call the Denalis?" I asked Jasper wanting some way of easing his burden.
He paused clearly considering my question. "I think that's a question for Carlisle."
"Usually Edward makes these decisions when Carlisle is at work," I lamented.
"You are his wife," Jasper said firmly.
"Yes, that's true," I agreed. "It was the way things were formed when I entered their lives. It shifted slightly when Edward returned in 1931, but," I paused. After some thought I continued, "I can't really explain it. It's like we fell into old patterns. Usually though Edward would just voice what I thought would be best anyway, so there seemed to be no need for me to voice the decision."
"Well, maybe we need something new," he offered his voice gentle.
"Yes, perhaps," I agreed lost in thought beginning to consider that if I were to make the decision what would I believe would be for the best? "What are you thinking Jasper?" I wondered.
He eyed me speculatively as if he wasn't sure that I really wanted the answer to the question. Finally his features changed and he spoke. "Well, from Alice's vision it appears that Laurent would be in violation of the treaty, us there or not. There is always a slight chance that in the end he will choose to leave the area and not hunt Bella in deference of our request. And then there's Carlisle's hypothesis that it is the shapeshifter gene causing the interference in Alice's vision. Those two possibilities create the most smallest of remotest of chances that Bella, Laurent, and shapeshifting descendants will converge. Even if that happened, then the chance of Bella surviving is astronomically small. But still …"
Grinning at him I teased, "Now Jasper Whitlock how come you never told me that you were an optimist?"
He smiled looking reserved. "Don't let it get out. It'll ruin my reputation."
"Can't have that," I agreed. "I think we should call the Denalis," I decided.
He simply nodded saying nothing.
Tanya picked up on the first ring. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your call Esme?" she asked.
Without any polite preamble I jumped straight into the reason for my call. "Unfortunately I have disappointing news, and wanted to inform you straight away."
"I understand," she said forgiving my bluntness. "Please continue."
Trusting in our relationship that she would say otherwise I continued, "Alice believes that Laurent will hunt near Forks." Pausing for a second it was clear that Tanya was waiting for me, so I went on and asked her, "Is it possible that he is still in contact with Victoria?"
"If he is, he has never said anything," she let me know after a momentary pause.
"Well, it would be a shame if Laurent were to inadvertently come across a classmate of Alice's, especially when he knows that we asked him to stay clear of the area. Please speak to him about it when you see him again," I requested.
"Yes," she assured me, "that would be disappointing." With a heaviness that I suspected came from being their family's leader she told me, "Irina has grown attached to him."
"It seemed to be that way when we visited, thus my call. We would want nothing to come between our families," I reiterated to her before adding, "or for Irina to be hurt if Laurent were not as serious about her as she him. Your family matters to us."
"Thank you, Esme," she stated in crisp tones clearly displeased. "I will speak to Irina and then Laurent when he returns."
"We would greatly appreciate it," I told her.
"Everything else well?" she asked politely her regular intonation returning.
"Yes, Rosalie and Emmett returned from their travels, joining us once more," I informed her cordially.
"And Edward?" she pressed.
"Trying to find Victoria as he became concerned that she would not respect our request."
She paused briefly before reminding me, "Well, we had said that for your family's safety she was better off found."
"There's some truth in your assessment," I agreed with her.
"I am glad to hear for your sake that Rosalie and Emmett have returned," she told me.
"Thank you, Tanya. How are things there?" I asked.
"Well. We have been enjoying the winter as we always do," she let me know.
"I am glad," I told her.
"Thank you for calling, Esme," she informed me.
"You're very welcome. Be well."
"Be well," she agreed before hanging up.
Jasper looked over at me. I would dare say he looked impressed.
"What do you suggest we do now?" I asked Jasper after a moment's pause.
"We wait and we hope," he replied simply.
Smiling back it was if he had stolen a page from my book. I wasn't sure how I felt about someone other than Carlisle offering it to me.
Rosalie and Emmett had not responded to my text yet, and Carlisle was probably still in surgery. Thus, there was nothing left to do but wait. Yet I didn't want to leave in case Alice got more about Bella, so I stayed in Alice's and Jasper's room. Smiling at his response, I closed my eyes and stilled allowing their scents and those of their room to calm me. I had to hope that fate would find a way of keeping Bella alive.
A few moments passed when a thought occurred to me and I turned to Jasper, "You don't have to say, but I was curious what you were doing to help Alice earlier?"
He looked chagrined. Alice and him exchanged a message through a gaze. Then he lifted his head studying me. "I broadcasted it too far."
"If you mean that I could feel it from across the room, then yes," I told him gently. Then adding since he seemed uncomfortable, "You don't have to tell me, Jasper. It was just the strangest sensation I have ever felt from you. I was simply curious."
He grunted but said no more.
Since it was clear that the conversation was finished, I focused on calming myself once more.
More than twenty minutes had passed when I could feel him looking at me. When I opened my eyes he appeared stern.
"It is not that I mind telling you Esme," he began tentatively, "more that it is not something anyone knows but Alice and thus something I do not wish for others to know."
"Understood," I told him sincerely. "Forget that I asked."
He nodded and Alice snuggled in closer to him.
More time passed before, in the barest of whispers, he spoke once more, "While commanding Maria's army I learned how to use my gift like a sword to cut someone down emotionally and to do it with enough force to stop a fight between newborns. It is a very unique cocktail that creates compliance along with a form of apathy but mixed with a type of contentment. Resentment afterwards was fairly common, but then the newborns were nearly always resentful of me, so it really didn't change the environment that much.
"The thing is that Alice never resents me, and she is confident in my use of such a thing on her. Even though it touched you, I have sensed no resentment from you. Instead you showed curiosity and had a slightly higher amount of passivity, which Carlisle might object to if he knew."
After considering his words I asked, "Why would Carlisle object?"
He smiled grimly and then had a look of uncertainty about him. "First, because he's the coven leader and I have never told him I could do such a thing, even when he specifically asked about my gift's capacities. I never told Maria either, to be fair. And second, because he might not appreciate me altering you in this way."
Frowning and mulling over his words I looked directly at him and with full sincerity told him, "I believe your assessment to be wrong. Carlisle might be disappointed that you hadn't confided in him, but he would trust your judgement on this matter. And although he might not be pleased in how your use of your gift in order to calm Alice impacted me, he would understand that you were taking care of Alice as your priority. Will there be any lasting effects?"
"Eventually it should wear off," he stated, seemingly confused over my words.
"There you see, no harm, no foul. I hope you come to trust us more in the future. Carlisle would never ask you to use your gift in such a way unless there were no other options. Perhaps one day you'll confide in him." I told him.
"Yes, ma'am," he replied in a drawl and seemed contemplative. Long moments passed before he spoke again. "I know this is true, Esme. My silence on the subject is not a matter of a lack of trust. And I know Carlisle would not ask me to treat another poorly."
When it seemed like he wasn't going to say anything else I wondered, "Then what is it?" wanting to understand what was hold him back more.
"Honestly, it's mostly my habits of self-preservation. In the beginning, I didn't fully believe the stories Alice told me about you'll, and then it didn't seem important. It's a part of my past and there are many things that I do not speak about. It simply reflects my wish to not think about or to voice those matters, so it's not like it came up in conversation."
Letting his response sink in I told him, "Thank you for clarifying. I do hope that after all these years that you feel comfortable to speak to us about anything. I mean that Jasper. I am always willing to listen, even if I don't like the topic."
He smiled slightly, "Yes, ma'am, and thank you for that."
"You're welcome," I told him easily, and then after a moment add in a motherly tone, "it's not my place to repeat what you've told me, even to Carlisle, but I would ask that you be careful."
He smiled the way he would when I mothered him and he believed himself too old for such a thing.
"Jasper?" I asked softly after some minutes had passed.
"Yes, Esme?" he responded with hesitancy as if he already knew my question.
"Could you have done that during our vote to leave Forks?" I whispered.
"Yes, but the more individuals the harder it is to get the cocktail right, since every person reacts slightly differently to emotional stimuli. It takes practise. With newborns I found a cocktail that worked nearly the same with nearly everyone, but that's because they are governed by fear and thirst, so their emotional environment is nearly identical."
"If I understand you correctly, then between your ability to increase fidelity and what you just told me, anytime you wanted to you could override our emotional responses and shape them in the fashion of your choosing?" I checked disturbed by my thoughts.
"It would be difficult, but, yes, I suppose I could," he replied subdued.
"That's quite a gift, Jasper," I admitted. After a minute's pause I asked, "Does Maria know?"
"No," he responded with absolute certainty. After a moment he added, "Peter possibly suspects, as I began to see more uses for my gift than training newborns once I had left Maria, but he would never say. Carlisle might have questions and theories, but would never ask. Alice is the only one who knows," he confided.
"Why tell me, then Jasper? It's been fifty-six years since you came into our life and I have never suspected you to hold such an ability."
He smiled softly. "You have the incredible capacity to accept and love individuals as they present themselves without judgement, Esme. You didn't see, because you are not the type to ever question and be suspicious. It's also that I don't like using my gift in such a way. To take away another's will …" he petered off and shook his head, "so I have never done more than calm us, although it took almost five years to find the right cocktail for that. With Alice her gift steals her away and I use my gift to try to get her back quicker than she would otherwise. This is nearly as bad as 1950 when she had a vision and demanded that we come to you straight away, except we were in the wilderness, so I didn't need to mind myself. I apologise, Esme. I was too worried about her to pay attention to the girth in which I was projecting."
"I understand. No harm done." After a pause I asked, "Does Edward know?"
"Now that's a good question," he mused. "It's not like I think about my gift. My gift functions on a more instinctual and physical basis. So, I'd say no, as I'd imagine he would confront me about such a thing. He's fairly protective of Alice. He truly sees her as a sister."
After another half an hour had passed, Alice was placated in a way that she wasn't usually, but otherwise seemed fine. Feeling confident that I wouldn't upset her unnecessarily, I asked, "What time was it at the meadow?"
She paused. "I'd guess from the shadows between four and five in the afternoon."
I nodded.
We had an hour to wait.
About ten minutes after my question, Rosalie and Emmett could be heard running towards the house.
"What's up?" Emmett asked as soon as he hit the back door.
"Laurent was hunting near the meadow and will come across Bella sometime in the next forty minutes approximately," Jasper explained coolly.
"I thought he was in Alaska," Emmett said with confusion and a deep scowl on his face as they walked into Alice's and Jasper's bedroom.
"We all did, but apparently he isn't," Jasper relied sadly.
Emmett sat next to me on the floor.
Looking frustrated Rosalie lay down placing her head in his lap.
"Do you want to hear it?" Alice asked grimly.
We all looked at each other.
"You shouldn't carry it alone," I answered on everyone's behalf.
She nodded. Both her and Jasper seemed to be preparing themselves for an onslaught.
When the time drew near Alice stilled clearly being overcome by what she was seeing while speaking in her unattached tone. "She's walking around the meadow. She looks disappointed. Laurent will be there soon."
We all stilled in anticipation and worry while I could feel Jasper sending out the calm I knew well. For the first time I wondered what exactly he put into what he projected for me to feel calm and if Rosalie and Emmett had the same reaction as I did. Immediately my mind began to think about how we could help Jasper in his refinement process, but then I remembered that he would get feedback via his gift on how it affected us. Quite the gift it was indeed.
Good thing Jasper was a honourable man and Carlisle was not a megalomaniac. With a telepath, a future seer, and someone who could shape other's emotional worlds Carlisle could challenge the Volturi to rule our world, not that he would want to. Nevertheless, for a moment, I was scared about how the Volturi might react when they found out about the gifts in our family, but then remembered that Carlisle was friends with Aro and held him in high esteem. They would not challenge our family because Aro would know that Carlisle had no wish to do anything but lead a quiet life. Nonetheless, suddenly the conversations between Jasper and Carlisle about our family's responsibility for Bella looked entirely different.
"Carlisle will ring you soon, Esme," Alice informed me in that same monotone voice.
Not ten seconds later my phone rang.
"You're on speakerphone, love," I told him as soon as I answered. "Alice is just telling us the most gripping story and we thought you'd want to be included. You missed the part where our heroine went on a hike to Edward's meadow this morning, which would be bad enough, given her lack of direction and general tendency to fall and thus incur scraps and bumps. Unfortunately for our heroine the villain Laurent is also hiking in the area, will find her there soon, and appears to know that there is no one around to protect her," I informed him sadly.
We all heard him groan.
"Has she told the outcome?" he asked grievously.
"No, not yet. We are all waiting on her," I answered.
After the shortest human pause possible, he told us his decision, "I'll stay on the line."
"He'll arrive shortly," Alice stated in her indistinct tone fortunately remembering to speak at a slow human speed. "He'll be pleased and surprised to find her. She'll be scared, but will try to hide it. He's caught sight of her now and decided to have her. She tells him that she is protected. He tells her that he has been in the area for a bit and knows there is no one left to save her. He will claim that our family must not have cared much about her, since she was left behind, and that Victoria will be disappointed that her plans to take a mate for her mate won't be as impacting as she had hoped."
I winced at his accusations. Hearing the growls in Jasper's, Emmett's and Rosalie's chests, I looked at them poignantly and motioned to the phone reminding them that phone calls are not private from listening ears. They all looked apologetic.
"He promises to make it quick and less painful than Victoria would. She stands there calmly resigned. It goes black."
"Black?" Carlisle asked.
"Yes, black, love," I answered before anyone could blurt something out. "Alice wanted permission to find an ending in her own way."
"Fine," grumbled Rosalie. "This once."
"Yes," said Emmett confidently.
"Both Alice and I say yes," Jasper informed us.
"It is a yes from me," I told him.
There was a short pause.
"Yes, Alice, but just this once," he agreed.
Her body relaxed and then stilled. Each second was more deafening than the last.
"Not sure when, but she'll be running and tripping, cut up and dirty, looking terrified, but gets into her truck, leaves, and drives away."
"Good," Carlisle stated firmly clearly relieved. "That's as good of an ending as we could ask for, Alice, no more. I have to go see the patient's family. We'll talk more about this when I get home," Carlisle informed us.
"Fine," the four of them nearly grumbled together.
"See you when you get home. Be safe," I told him.
"Always," was his answer before he hung up the phone.
Rosalie and Emmett left to go to their room.
Jasper looked positively relieved.
"You alright?" I asked Alice.
"No, but I'm glad she made it out alive. I want to know for certain what stopped Laurent," she mused.
"There was nothing in your vision to give us a clue?" I asked curious.
She closed her eyes and concentrated briefly before telling me, "No."
"Well, whatever the reason I will be eternally grateful that she lived to see another day," I told her.
"Me too," was Alice's reply.
I kissed her forehead and ruffled Jasper's hair as I got up and left.
Going back to my painting, I decided that I would add Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle's hand touching Bella's back or shoulders at different points us all travelling through the woods together.
While I painted I couldn't help but think of the letter I had sent and my primal need at that moment to receive a letter back in order to have her scent enter my body reassuring me that she was still alive. I also wondered how her encounter with Laurent might change how she understood my words.
My Darling Bella,
I cannot adequate describe the joy I felt in receiving your letter. To have the reassurance in my hands that you are in fact alive was a precious gift. I cannot thank you enough for the courage it must have taken you to respond.
There are so many things that need to be conveyed, most of which cannot be said except in person, unfortunately. Nevertheless, I will attempt, to the best that I am able, to articulate to you what I can through this medium.
It is my genuine hope that you will know the sincerity of what I am about to say and do me the honor of responding with your thoughts. Although, I am sure you also have things you would like to say that cannot be said except in person.
First of all, the family was not in consensus with us leaving Forks. There were many factors in play, many of which have nothing to do with you, and are more centred on our struggles individually and collectively. I am as much to blame for my mistakes and missteps, which led to that conversation, as anyone else.
Carlisle and I, like most married couples, I would wager, have chosen at times to not speak what should have been said in a misguided hope of protecting the other from being hurt. Some of what I should have said to him previously reared its ugly head on that day. It is only now, after him taking a two-month sabbatical and many difficult conversations, that we are on solid footing with one another again. I perceive that you are paying for my mistakes. For that I will never be able to apologise enough.
My affection for you runs deep. I know that I am not the woman who birthed you and I could never replace her, but without warning you have crawled up into my heart and made yourself at home there. I will not be able to truly feel at peace until I know you are flourishing. The care and affection I have for you is real, as real is the sun behind all those clouds in Forks. It is there, despite the miles presently between us, and just like the sun, although you might not see it every day, it is there none the same.
Your feelings towards Alice are your own and I will leave you two to figure things out. I will tell you, though, that she did not come and say goodbye because she expected that we would be back, at least to visit, by this time. Like I, she has made her own set of mistakes, and is struggling to learn from them and grow. I also wanted to let you know that Alice has been having trouble using her artistic gift. Carlisle is uncertain its cause. Whatever it is, with regularity, she is blocked from generating images of you, and so she is unusually worried about you.
I am here for you to talk to anytime, day or night. You need to know that you are not alone. If all you need is an ear, I will listen. If you need encouragement, I will encourage. If you need advice, I can give you the wisdom I have. Like letters, there are many things that cannot be adequately said over the phone, but you are a smart girl, so I'm sure you will find a way to tell me what is on your heart and mind.
I have included the same information as I did in the previous letter in case the first became misplaced.
Rest assured that you are on my heart and mind every minute of every day, my darling girl. Lastly, please, for my sake, if not your own, keep yourself safe and take care of yourself.
With great affection,
Esme Cullen
By Sunday afternoon my painting of future Bella was complete. Purely for my own process I put nails in the walls, collected the one of Bella writing the letter from the dining room, and hung my three paintings. In order from left to right was before we moved, then her writing the letter, and last the one I had just completed. As I sat looking at them, I began to wonder what was happening with Bella at that moment. But, more than anything, I was grateful that she was alive. Hoping that the trees' root system that I had used to send Edward my love could convey my care to her, I spent some time gazing out the window at the trees asking them to send my affection to her.
We had many things to discuss as a family when Carlisle got home. What to do about what Alice saw regarding Laurent was one, Alice's vision going black was another, and it would seem, given Alice's outlook on Carlisle's schedule, Bella's opening of my letter. Although all these things were technically not urgent, Bella's near miss fuelled my desire for our family to make a decision, for me to be able to inhale her scent, and for us to better protect her than we could so far away. Carlisle's theoretical diagnosis kept going through my head. Even though she had survived, she wasn't well. The possibility that she was dying from her grief, grief that we had at least some responsibility for made it hard to wait. At the same time, I needed to adhere to Carlisle's wise counsel. If Jasper could be patient, so could I. Until we knew more, we could wait. I attempted to tell my heart to have faith and that as long as she was alive we simply just needed time and more information.
Ironically, Edward also fitted into that category. None of us had heard from him. I knew Carlisle called him occasionally to check on him, but Edward rarely picked up, and when he did he had only done so to tell Carlisle where he was and to reassure my husband he was not dead. I knew a mother's touch was not what Edward needed right now. He needed boundaries from a father not love from a mother. He knew I loved him. He didn't need a phone call to remind him. No doubt me talking to him would do nothing but increase his sense of guilt.
Needing a distraction from the problems at hand, I firmly decided that I was going to design this house with the intention of having a room for Bella. I knew it was wishful thinking, but it was my way of creating and forming my hope into something tangible. This house would declare my desire to have her be one of us, whether she ever lived with us or not or became a vampire or not. Energized about the idea I went back to my blueprints.
A/N: I want to continue to thank everyone who took the time to send me their thoughts. I've said this in other A/N in other stories, a writer without readers is a hobbiest, something I don't wish to be, so your thoughts mean a tremendous amount to me and the conversations they sometimes inspire.
