Esme's and Edward's conversation about him sneaking into Bella's room to watch her sleep can be found in my story My Family is Odd here in FF.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 4 Jan 18)
Chapter 7: Hope, Faith, and Love
With hesitancy Carlisle spoke in a tone clearly intended to soothe me, "I know, Esme." He paused watching me carefully before continuing. "I know. I did not mean to imply otherwise," he said meekly while keeping a close eye on me.
Abhorring the idea that he might fear me, I forced my body to relax some and my voice to sound calmer. "I know you know that Carlisle, but how could you say such a thing? How could Edward leave her unprotected? How could you have agreed? How could you have left me?" By the end the fury had been replaced with intense pain. I was vibrating in sorrow my whole body heaving.
He looked like he wanted to reach out for me and draw me into himself, but was hesitant to do so appearing unsure of how to best comfort me.
A part of me wanted to be wrapped within his arms, and another wanted to rip his arms off.
Instead he remained still and his tone took a calming, yet morose quality as he told me, "I could not imagine that you were meant for me." There was a slight questioning tone at the end as if he wasn't sure.
Despite he tone, what he said hit a nerve and the fury overcame me once more. "What am I some doll? Some doctor's wife that you get to wear on your arm so you can pass for human better?" I sneered.
He sounded appalled. "Never," he avowed looking ashamed.
"Then what?" I snapped.
"Esme," he said reverently, "You have to understand, I became the monster I had hunted, and, although I had never taken a human life, I could not imagine that the wonderful beautiful kind thoughtful brazen literature-loving young girl in the hospital bed could care for me as a woman might a man."
He had explained these things to me in the past, and in the past the words sounded sweet, not to mention that I still had my imagining rooted within me. Nevertheless, with all this pain and hurt combined with fear and anger they were pitiful to my ears. "Dr. Cullen, are you telling me that you did not see yourself worthy of receiving a blessing your God had brought into your life?" I asked my voice sharp.
"Absolutely," he stated definitively watching me carefully as if I was a tiger preparing to pounce on a gazelle. "Certainly not one that would require me to bite and potentially kill," he answered with a slight meekness.
His weariness of me softened my anger, but it was simmering just barely under the surface. "Kill? I don't understand, Carlisle," I told him.
"I had never had my lips and teeth in such a position in the nearly three hundred years since my turning, and I was terrified that if I did that I would not be able to stop," he admitted shamefully.
"But you risked it with Edward," I stated confused my ire dying down.
"Because he would be dead anyway, if I hadn't. Because if I had failed, I would not have stolen a life."
"You were unwilling to risk mine?" I asked in confirmation.
"I could not," he simply said sadly.
Sitting watching him carefully, I allowed the words to fully penetrate into me. "Was that because you cared for me or simply because I was a human who wasn't dying?"
He looked chagrined.
Perhaps I had inadvertently hit a nerve, but this time I wanted an honest answer.
After him taking his time to reflect he finally told me, "Esme, it is true that my morals would not wish to steal a human's life away, any human's. However, if I had known what you were meant to signify to me, I doubt that I could have stayed away. When I noticed you in the morgue something within me perceived what I hadn't been able to before, and I bit you before my mind could protest, understand my own behaviour, or even consider the cost."
It was clear on his features that he was struggling to articulate to what he was attempting to convey.
Mulling over his words, I eventually reached a tentative conclusion, "You really did care for me, even then, even if you did not know it, in your own way the seed of love was there." As each word exited my mouth I grew deeper in awe of the reality of what I was saying, it hitting me in a way that never had before.
He stared at me puzzled. Finally he asked gently, "Did you doubt my care and affection for you?"
Huffing I scowled, "What is a girl to think? You left me. No matter the noble of reasons you left without offering me a choice, both in our past and in my imaginings. Then you agreed for Edward to do the same." With those thoughts my anger once more increased and I bitingly asked, "It is certainly not as cruel as Charles, but tell me Carlisle, how is your actions any different than when he kept me prisoner in his home?" then I paused realising that I had just allowed words to pass through my lips that I would have never uttered if I had not been so upset.
Immediately my tone became remorseful. "I apologise, Carlisle, you are nothing like Charles, and have given me nothing but the gentlest of touches since I came into this second life. I spoke in anger." Pleading with him I asked, "Please forgive me."
He seemed lost for a moment my apology making no difference in his appearance. When his eyes caught mine they were full of sorrow. "No, I suppose my behaviour and Charles', in the way we have assumed to know better than you and forced you into our ways, is not that terribly different. I acted upon you without your consent both when I left and when I bit you. You are right; my action contained an arrogance that presumed that I knew better than you regarding your own life. It was paternal of me. That was not my intention at the time, but I still was wrong."
My body rocked in the relief and sorrow his words brought, healing old wounds that I thought were long behind me.
He opened his arm and I entered them willingly. They wrapped around me and he rocked with me. Kissing the crown in my head he whispered to me, "You have no need to beg forgiveness from me, Esme. You are forgiven, and never do I want to be the kind of husband from whom you need to beg, for anything, for any reason."
Nodding my head I heard his words. Once my body was stiller, I asking whispering, "How could you, Carlisle?" the words drowned in my sorrow and hurt.
"I thought I was doing the right thing," he explained his words coated in sorrow and regret.
I shook my head vehemently unwilling to accept that answer.
"I know it's wholly inadequate reason, but it's the truth. It doesn't excuse things. It doesn't change the pain I caused you. I was ignorant. I was a fool. I valued reason above all else. And I could not see how my heart was tied to you. I believe Edward to be guilty of my sins. I gave him a poor example to follow and I supported him making the same errors I did. I am so sorry, Esme. I can never tell you how sorry I am."
It became his turn to mourn and we held each other comforting the other. When we had both calmed I pulled back to look him squarely.
"I know this Carlisle."
He looked at me skeptically.
"I do," I insisted. "In my mind I do, and in truth I have already forgiven you. The wound is already healing. I am sorry that I allowed my anger and hurt to utter words that I would have never said otherwise."
"I already told you that you were forgiven," he stated firmly.
"I am sorry nonetheless."
He nodded for me to continue.
"I need to ask you a serious and possibly unpleasant question," I told him hesitantly unsure if we were ready for more possible pain.
He looked into my eyes concerned, but willing to hear me. "Speak your mind, my love," he encouraged.
"Do you think that Edward also believes, as you once did, and is convinced that Bella cannot love him or worse that he is unworthy of love?"
After pondering my words he replied, "Yes, I can see that being true."
I growled low and in my chest my previous reaction of ire returning to me. Not wishing to speak in anger once more, I lifted my head and took in the beauty around me allowing it to soothe me.
When I believed myself to be a calmer I told Carlisle, "I must confess that when I spoke to Bella I found myself extremely angry with you and Edward. She sounded so pitiful and sad, Carlisle. This isn't a patient. This is someone we welcomed into our home. Even if Edward spoke truthfully upon her behalf, us leaving without her input was a mistake. I understand why you made the choice you did, and why you were unable to hear Jasper's, Alice's, or my point of views, but I can't help but be angry with you and Edward. You both were so immersed in your own worldview that you were unable to see ours. It's so unlike you. Usually you have an incredible capacity to see everyone's perspective and blend them, and to see Edward's true motivation, but at the vote to leave Forks you could not. Why not? What prevented you?" By the end my tone contained frustration and sorrow.
He hung his head. "Because, my love, if I disagreed with Edward, disagreed with the very thoughts I have had regarding the choice I made to leave you at sixteen, then I would have had to face the reality that I had failed you, that I held some part of the blame for Charles and everything that happened to you. I couldn't do it. I was unable.
"You are my Achilles heel and I could not accept a possibility where I played a part in that man's treatment of you. It was too painful to face, so I refused to see any possibility but what I had chosen. Edward spoke words to me in defence of his request mirrored my own fortified position. It was only after your tale that I was able to see things from a different perspective, to see within it another way that I could not before. I am not able to imagine as you do, my love. And it has cost you and this family so much."
His head fell into his hands again.
Carlisle's admission was balm to my soul and so entirely disappointing. For so long I had known this truth. If I was honestly, I had always known. My question hadn't been so much in needing the answer as needing to hear him voice it. After him doing so, I wished that he could take the words back. As he had spoken them, they had ripped my heart apart confirming what had previously only been in my head. Despite the pain they caused me, I had asked for them, and worse, I understood them. His deep and abiding love for me was simultaneously his greatest strength and fundamental weakness. It was this weakness that Edward had exploited for his own means. A part of me wanted to be angry at Carlisle for his words, but my heart was not in it.
"What does that say about the character of our son?" I asked out loud.
After a moments pondery he said, "That he is willing to do anything, even be unhonourable to accomplish what he thinks is right."
Mulling over this I wondered, "Right for whom?"
Carlisle looked at me as if he had been slapped. Taking my hands into his and holding them firmly he looked into my eyes and told me, "For him."
My breath caught. It was like we were having the same conversation again only Edward in place of Carlisle. Except in some ways, I was responsible for Edward's choices and his conduct. The conversation he and I had about him sneaking into Bella's room to watch her sleep came to mind. Yes, he was his own man, and yes I probably couldn't have stopped him, but I had some role in things, and I could not completely deny my responsibility, no matter how much I might want to.
"I am not blameless in our current situation, Carlisle," I told him speaking each word slowly putting my thoughts to voice. "I have my own role that I have played. I lacked the courage to be fully honest with you about my feelings during my human years in my attempt to spare you pain. But the small pain I would have caused by this truth would have saved us this huge mess we are in now. Not to mention that I did not help Edward in perhaps the way he needed to learn how to handle the complex emotions that come with courting a woman, let alone a human. My anger is as much directed at myself as it is at you and Edward."
"And I never asked because I was a coward and was afraid of the answer," he admitted.
Sitting I tried to view these events from his perspective and put aside my own hurt. "Is it cowardly to not ask the questions that we know will cause us discomfort? That sounds like self-preservation. Otherwise it would be masochistic. And that is not an attractive quality, and fortunately something you are nothing like. You might deny your instincts and have been overly rational, but your motives were for good."
He looked up at me with a slight smile. "How do you turn my mistakes into such reasonable decisions?"
Smiling back at him I told him, "Because you are a reasonable man who in the core of your being does not intend harm either to others or to yourself."
"And least of all to you," he added.
"And to the least of all me," I agreed.
He looked more relaxed and calmer, yet contemplative.
"Carlisle," I stated pulling him out of his thoughts after a while had passed.
His eyes focused on me.
"We cannot be cowards with ourselves or with each other moving forward. The risks are very high, and we might loose our family if we are not careful," I warned him.
He nodded in agreement.
After a long stretch of silence I decided to brave a question I probably didn't want to hear the answer to. "Are you angry at me for not telling you the unabridged truth before Newfoundland?" I asked bashfully.
He paused before answering. "I understand why you didn't," he said softly and carefully, "but yes, a little."
His words displeased me, but I was glad to hear his truth. "Thank you for being honest, Carlisle."
"I have never been anything other than honest with you, Esme."
Leaning into him I agreed, "I know that and I am grateful that is the case."
He held me tight seeming to find comfort in my proximity.
After a while I retreated some so I could look at him admitting another uncomfortable truth. "I am upset you never asked, but more than anything, I am angry that you were so afraid to love and be loved that you left me."
He frowned significantly and clearly pondered his reply. "I had no idea what I was missing or that such a thing like what I have today was possible."
His answer surprised me. "You did not know you could love and be loved?"
"No," he answered ashamed. "You know my father was not a loving man. I loved him, in a way, but it contained fear. I think there might have been a girl in my human life that I was infatuated with, but I am certain that it never built into love. I was ignorant. I am so sorry, my wife. You have taught me so much, and given me so much, this more than anything."
Springing myself upon him I kissed him, because his words made me so sad and I could feel the power in their truth. My anger dissipated. His sin was ignorance. How could I ever hold him accountable for his ignorance? I was still upset and hurt in a small way, but his words had assuaged so much.
I pulled back. "I apologise for holding back things from you, Carlisle. I was, in ignorance, attempting to protect you in a way that was wrong and my choices suggested that I could not trust you enough to withstand the truth."
His face told me that he knew this and it had hurt him. "I get it Esme. I am guilty of the same thing, but we can't anymore, can we?" he mused.
I shook my head no.
His face turned into determination. "You're right, once again my love, there is too much at stake. We might be taking our four children and ourselves into a territory with wolves and a scorned coven."
"If we are not sound, the family will not be sound," I agreed.
"I love you with everything, Esme. If I had known, I would not have walked away as I did."
"I cannot bear to be in a world without you, Carlisle. You have my adoration and love, but also my respect. You are a good man, a good father, and a good leader. One decision that was clouded in your own limitations does not undo decades of keeping us safe and whole and thriving. You have learned. You will not make the same mistake again."
I watched as the Carlisle I had known and loved returned to his eyes, but then something more grew there. His mistake had cost us, but he was willing to learn from it and it was changing him for the better.
"Are you still angry, my love?" he asked me tentatively.
"I am still somewhat at Edward, but not any longer at you or myself. Frustrated at the situation we are in, irritated at ourselves for our mistakes, burdened by the weight of the cost of our missteps, worried over what the future might hold, but no, not angry."
"I feel a great many of those things too," he admitted reluctantly. "I had a wise woman, though, tell me that hope and faith was the medicine that was needed."
I raised my eyebrow.
"Oh, yes, my darling wife," he said in a slightly mocking tone clearly being playful with me, "we shall hope and have faith. We shall hope that the Quileutes will honour their forefather's word. We shall have faith that we all shall be alive by June. And, I shall add, we shall love all those the good Lord has bestowed upon us. For the greatest of these is love."
A restful quiet descended upon us. Hope, Faith, and Love.
"We need to get back," Carlisle stated reluctantly.
I looked at the sky it was nearing midday.
"Yes," I replied equally reluctant.
"Would you mind, love, if I said a prayer before we headed back?"
"No, Carlisle. Pray away."
After a brief pause he started speaking his cadence and accent of what could only be his youth returning. "Heavenly Father thou humble servants come before You with gratefulness for all the blessings that You have given us. You know all that is in store for us. We beseech You for guidance and wisdom. Assist us, oh Lord, to protect those you have placed in our care. In your name I pray. Amen."
"Amen," I agreed quietly.
And without a word we clambered down and headed back hand in hand.
About a mile away from the house Carlisle slowed down and placed a call to Billy Black, a man I had met only the once at the border when we had arrived in Forks in 2002.
"Hello," an older human male answered gruffly sounding exactly as I remember Mr. Black from that brief encounter.
"Good morning, Mr. Black," Carlisle stated sounding cordial but firm.
"What can I do for you, Doctor Cullen?" he said it as if it were blasphemous.
Where they always this hostile with Carlisle?
"I called because we were led to believe that enemies of ours exist in the area. We will be returning to find them and remove any danger their presence might incur."
"Is that right?" he retorted as if Carlisle was lying. "How many of your enemies do you expect to show up?"
"Two from the same coven," Carlisle agreed as if there were no accusation. "Will your tribe still be adhering to Ephraim's treaty upon our return?"
"We can take care of it," was the terse reply.
"Of that I have no doubt," Carlisle graciously agreed. "But neither of us would want innocents to pay with their lives. And it would be intolerable if someone from your tribe were to be harmed by our enemy. Perhaps even, we could work together to keeping others from being harmed," he offered his hope that they would agree to this clear in his tone.
"We'll keep to what was agreed by Ephraim," Billy allowed seemingly reluctantly. "I'll mention your offer at the next council meeting, but I doubt anyone will want to take you up on it. When will you be arriving?" he asked gruffly but the hostility sounded to have decreased.
"We have not decided yet," Carlisle let him know, "but I can let you know as soon as it's set."
"Fine, fine. How long can we expect you to stay?" Billy grumbled.
"That is also not determined, but it would be impossible for us to stay longer than six years."
"We would prefer as little as possible," Billy informed him strongly.
"Then perhaps the council could consider working together to expedite matters?" Carlisle pressed.
"No promises" was the terse reply.
"Perfectly understood," Carlisle stated disappointed. "Thank you Mr. Black. You honour your grandfather well."
It sounded like he snorted before the phone disconnected.
"That went well," Carlisle reported.
"Well?" I asked incredulously. That did not sound well to me.
"Yes, much better than I expected. They are a honourable people. If Billy says they will honour the treaty, then they will, five wolves or not." He shook his head. "Five," he muttered. "I wonder what could create such numbers. Ephraim's pack only had three."
"If it came to it, we would still have the numbers. It takes three of them to one of us, Carlisle. We are six; they are five. And in Forks there are many trees. It's not that hard to evade them."
"But we are seven with one who is very fragile," he replied clearly lost in thought.
Jumping on him, he stumbled slightly surprised by my reaction while I hugged him tightly. "I love you," I proclaimed before I found his lips.
"And I you," he attempted in the midst of our kissing smiling at my reaction to his proclamation.
It didn't take long before Carlisle pulled back.
"I know, I know," I shushed him. "I can't help but love you, though."
He chuckled. "How I shall never be able to count the ways in which I love you." Then he kissed me deeply pulling me into himself. Before either of us got carried away he withdrew, grabbed my hand, and we finished our run to the house.
After a few hundred yards Carlisle said as if talking to himself, "How could I have missed the resurgence of the wolves?"
"Perhaps it happened after we left?" I offered.
"Perhaps," he agreed, "but that would make them very young, and the young of any species is often arrogant, hot-headed, and confident in a way that makes them dangerous. Ephraim was experienced and wise. These wolves might not be like that."
"True," I concurred, "they would not be Ephraim."
He seemed lost in these thoughts when we arrived home. Jasper and Emmett were knee-deep in possibilities. Alice was sitting next to Jasper saying nothing keeping an eye on the future while Rosalie was holding her own. The four of them looked up at us when we walked in, but said nothing. Jasper caught my eye and nodded slightly as if in approval.
Carlisle needed to journal and be in his office. However, I wasn't ready to be parted from him. So grabbing a book, I joined him. Half a day before he needed to leave for the hospital he set aside what he had been doing, grabbed me, and situated himself behind me on his couch.
Murmuring into my ear he told me, "Esme, I need you to know that my statement about Bella being human reflected my poor attempt to distance myself from my fear. I am considering her into our equations now, and especially as she almost died at Laurent's hands. But you have to understand love, I see everyday at the hospital how fragile and fleeting human life is. One wrong thing and they are broken. I am terrified to care for her like you do. It makes you by far braver than I, but that doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to keep her safe, but even still there are limitations. It only takes one false move and she will be gone."
I mulled over what he was saying. Ultimately he was confessing that he could not become attached to her because of his fear.
"Is this the same kind of fear that stopped you from entering my life?" I asked him uncertain if I wanted the answer.
He took almost a full minute before he responded. "In a way. Edward's mother thrust him upon me. You, Rosalie, and Emmett were brought into my life suddenly. Each time I had little time to think. Mostly I acted, and then adjusted accordingly. The same was true with Alice and Jasper. Perhaps I am simply not good at allowing my heart to become attached unless circumstances give me little other options."
It would be easy to be offended by his statement, but I had a sense that he was trying to say something profound to me. Focusing my mind and heart on what he might be intending to convey I asked him, "Are you suggesting Carlisle Cullen that you only know how to love when God gives you no other option?" Even as the words came out I felt confused, but was trying to fully understand.
After deep contemplation he murmured, "I suppose I am, Esme."
Allowing that to penetrate my consciousness I told him, "In that case you have done a fine job by us, even if you believe yourself to have had little agency in those events. But you are being given a choice here, Carlisle. I beg of you, don't squander it. Don't repeat closing off your heart like you did with me. Allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to risk a connection with her."
"And if we lose her?" he questioned with so many emotions in those five words it was if they held the key to something he couldn't even name.
"Then we will grieve together," I told him assuring him.
Nuzzling his nose into my hair, he told me in great admiration, "Miss Platt you are far braver than I. No promises of the sort will pass my lips, as I am uncertain that I am up for such a task, but I will try. I do care for her," he admitted.
"More than just any human that crosses your path?" I affirmed.
His shoulders sagged, "Yes, more than that, but mostly because I am afraid of what will happen to our family if we lose her."
Sighing despondently I told him, "Well, I suppose it's a place to start."
Nothing more was said between us on the matter. His love grew slowly but was deep and abiding, while he held great care and compassion for nearly everyone he met. I trusted sparingly and held myself more apart from others, particularly humans, than Carlisle, but when I felt a connection with someone I held onto it with all my strength, and my love for others grew quickly knowing no bounds. Both ways of loving had their advantages and disadvantages.
Before Carlisle returned to work at the evening shift on Thursday, the six of us had agreed to return to Forks and on the most elemental parts of doing so. When he walked out the door I knew that he would most likely work another three to five days.
Rosalie had been the most resistant to moving back during our discussion.
Carlisle had relayed Mr. Black's assurances that they would keep to the treaty and that our offer of working together would be brought to the other tribal elders. That had, naturally, led to a conversation about the risks of returning to Forks.
"If the dogs keep their word and keep to their side of the line, I argue that it's worth the risk to move back to Forks in order to better track and dispose of Victoria and Laurent," had been Jasper's assessment.
"The Quiluetes have never broken their word," Carlisle had reminded him.
"It only takes one time to start a war," had been all Jasper said in response.
Carlisle had nodded in acknowledgement, but his shoulders had slumped in defeat of convincing Jasper once more of their nobility.
"If I'm at school with Bella I can better keep her safe there, and there are enough of us to protect her through the night," Alice had added.
"Wolves or not, Victoria needs to be eliminated and Forks is the best place to be. I'd like to get my hands on Laurent too, but with Irina pining for him ... Either way a few wolves are no match for us even if they did start a war," had been Emmett's two-cents.
"We should only use it as a staging area, and then leave once Bella is safe," Rosalie had argued.
Carlisle and I had listened as each of the others explaining to Rosalie why simply making Forks our base wouldn't be good enough and assisting her to understand how long it might take to find a nomad who doesn't want to be found. It was after the sunset and only three hour before Carlisle had to leave that she finally had relented.
"Fine!" she had yelled. "I don't like it, but I see your point. I'll go with this ridiculous plan."
This, of course, only had caused for her to ask for more of her way regarding other things.
It didn't take long after Rosalie had been persuaded that we all had agreed that the best cover story included Carlisle resigning from his position in Ithaca and returning to work at Forks General. However, that gave us less room to manoeuvre for everyone else's cover stories, since theirs had to work in regards to what the people of Forks already knew about our family.
Due to Forks begin three hours behind us, by the time Carlisle needed to go to work, he had called Forks General Medical, had talked to his old boss, and had been offered to start back at Forks General on Monday the 27th. Jasper had said that would be fine on the paperwork and electronic end. Alice had said it looked good. So, we all had agreed on that part. And we had agreed to the larger cover story. I actually liked that I was taking the blame for us moving back. No one had objected to Alice starting school after spring break. We had agreed that it would be polite to call the Denalis and explain that we were moving back to the West Coast, but we couldn't agree when to call them, so Carlisle decided we would wait until we knew the details of the plan better.
A little after Carlisle had left for work, the four kids had decided to take a break. Jasper and Alice left the house together to God knows where not letting us know when they would return, as usual. Rosalie retreated out in the garage, presumably to work through things and think, leaving Emmett sitting at the table with me.
"How you doing Emmett?" I asked him placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Wanting to get this show on the road, but I understand Jasper's need to think through all possibilities and our family's need to agree on the option we're going to take. But I'm restless. I'm a doer Esme."
Tightening my grip briefly, I affirmed, "I know, Emmett. Be patient. Your time will come."
He nodded saying nothing in return.
After a pause and loosening of my hand I asked, "How are you and Rosalie after Newfoundland?"
He looked grave. "My girl's changing, which is hard for her. She resists it at every turn, but your story did something within her. Sometimes I don't recognise her. It's good for her, but it leaves me on my toes," he admitted.
"Well, in my estimation if you can manage those early years, you can manage this. You're a smart guy, and you know Rosalie even better now."
His eyes smiled in tomfoolery.
"She needs you and the reassurance of your love, as much, if not even more now, than she did back then."
His smile grew and it matched the mischief in his eyes.
"Go comfort your girl, even if you break a few things. Just try not to take the house or garage down."
"Yes, ma'am," he promised as he went out the door towards her.
I was glad that he only needed a little bit of encouragement. If only all my children were like him.
My smile grew as I heard Rosalie get irritated with him for interrupting whatever she had been working on. Then in the gentle but persistent way that was Emmett he pulled her out of her funk. Before long their noises of being intimate could be heard. Hopefully my suggestion would help them both.
Them settled, I returned to my space, but was unable to concentrate. I couldn't help but wonder if, in a way, my heart would be safer from getting hurt, if I didn't already feel a sense of motherly protection over Bella. The problem was that, as I had told Bella, she already had a place in my heart, so it was a mute point. All day Thursday I had secretly been holding out hope that Bella would ring, but no such luck. Friday also came and went without a call.
Later on Friday the four of them had reconvened once again attempting to agree upon cover stories and details. I had joined them a little, but it really wasn't my element. Before long I had returned to my office and spent my time working on my blueprints and drawing Carlisle. I had decided, after our time in the tree on Tuesday, that I wanted to draw Carlisle of my past and the past Carlisle that I had imagined. Friday had been spent on the Carlisle of my past. It was nearly done, but was missing something. I wasn't sure what yet.
Saturday morning before the sun had risen I had started painting the past Carlisle of my imaginings. In the midst of my immersion I heard my phone ring. Looking around I determined that it was hours later than I thought it would have been. On the third chime I picked up.
"Hello," I greeted the caller.
"Hey, Esme, did I interrupt you?" Bella asked.
Smiling at the sound of her voice I told her, "Of course not darling, I was painting. Just took me a minute to wipe my hands and find my phone."
She giggled more fully than she had the last time we had spoken.
Her light heartedness pleased me. Nevertheless with concern I asked genuinely, "How are you?"
"Fine," she replied perfunctory, whatever had pleased her completely gone.
"Well that's good," I told her cordially before pausing a moment and asking, "Now really, how are you?"
She puffed out air before telling me, "Tired. I just got home from work."
"Are you enjoying it?" I asked her curious.
"Enough," she replied. "It's a good distraction from things and I like making money."
"I enjoy the work I do," I told her, "even if it doesn't come with a pay check. Carlisle has always made enough for the both of us. I am lucky that way. Although one year before Alice joined our family, I tried my hand at working at a department store. I learned a lot, but it didn't last too long."
Bella snickered. "Why, Esme, I imagined you being good at everything."
"Not by far. That was not for me, although I suspect Alice would be far suited to the work than I," I told her smiling.
"I can't imagine it," she told me.
"Imagine what?" I asked.
"Alice working," she told me, her disbelief in the word working clear.
I giggled. "Don't tell her that."
"Oh, I wouldn't dare," she replied playfully. There was a short pause. She took in a deep breath before she spoke again. "So, did the family make any decisions?"
"Yes," I told her. "Carlisle gave in his two-week notice. He also talked to Forks General Hospital."
Bella let out a huge gust of air.
"Bella, are you all right?" I asked. Her sounds made it seem like she had needed to sit down.
"Yes, Esme, please continue," she stated crisply.
I waited a minute, but, as she said nothing more, carried on. "Since Forks General were sad to have him leave and had yet to fill the vacancy, they were overjoyed to have him come back. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice are still trying to figure out the rest. Most likely Alice will come with me and start back at Forks High after spring break. And with Alice, Jasper often is close behind. I was waiting to talk to you, in fact, to find out if you had a preference between me coming before Alice, or for Alice and I to come together."
"You want my preference?" she asked sounding like she was in disbelief.
"Yes, Bella," I confirmed. "I told you before; we are taking your preferences into consideration. I can't guarantee you'll get what you want. In this family everyone has to compromise," I let her know.
"Yes, I can imagine that," she told me solemnly. "I don't know Esme. It would be nice to spend some time with Alice and talk to her before school gets back, so it's not awkward."
"That sounds wise. There's also the option of you and I doing something in Seattle or Port Angeles just the two of us earlier in the week. Whatever is your preference, speak it, and I'll add it to the growing list of everyone's requests," I encouraged her.
She sounded like she was breathing quick and shallow. "This is a lot to take in Esme," she explained to me.
"I meant every word that I said, Bella. We're not perfect. We made a mistake. We want to fix it."
"Without him?" she checked barely any sound existing.
"Yes. Without," I confirmed. "He has chosen to live on his own. We told him that we would be discussing things as a family in January. We have our annual family end of year/beginning of year table conference then. He declined to be included."
Suddenly Bella sounded like she was really far away.
"Are you still there?" I asked concerned.
"Yes," she answered but monotone like the life had been sucked out of her.
Her reaction worried me tremendously, but I didn't know what to say to calm her. How I wished Carlisle were here in this moment. Irrelevant of its cause or if it was right or wrong, I apologised. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I won't mention his actions and choices again." Hopefully, I had guessed correctly at what had triggered her strange behaviours.
"I shouldn't have asked," was her response, but with the same lifeless manner of speech.
"I'll know better for next time," I told her believing this as a confirmation of sorts. "I'm sorry again."
"It's fine," she told me, but she obviously wasn't fine.
"What should I tell the misfits is your request?" I asked hoping the change of topic would pull her back into her more regular self.
"Um, don't go out of your way on my account," she tried to insist, but there was no strength behind it.
"No guarantee you'll get what you ask for," I told her. "Doesn't hurt to ask, though."
"Um," she started and then paused, "well," she started again and the paused once more, "it would be nice to go to Seattle. I'd like to get some books. I don't think I'm ready to be at the house."
I took her voicing her desires as a good thing, so supported it. "I like that idea. What day next week would you be free?"
"Um, I don't work Monday?" she told me reluctantly.
"Good," I stated firmly as if it was already decided. "I'll add you and me to Seattle on Monday. How would you feel about you, Alice, and I going to Seattle later on in the week, perhaps even over the weekend? You two could spend some time together, then?"
"Actually, I'm free Friday, but I'm not sure. I'll think about it. It would be great to see Alice, but I might not be ready for shopping with Alice," she admitted.
"Perhaps the grovelling could be shopping Bella style?" I offered lightly.
"That would be torture for her," she stated as if shocked I would suggest such a thing, but I could hear the smile in her voice.
Wanting to nail down the details in case she had to get off the phone soon, I switched the focus of our conversation asking her, "How might we confirm Monday?"
"What should I tell Charlie?" she wondered.
"That I didn't like Los Angeles and asked Carlisle to move the family back to Forks in part because he made some poor choices. Those poor choices have resulted in us sending him to a private boarding school. At least that looks most likely, last time I paid attention. You can tell him about Alice, Carlisle, and I."
"Really, Esme?" She sounded almost mad.
"Right now that's what looks like might be best," I assured her.
"Who send their kid to a private boarding school after they make bad choices? Him no longer being interested in me is not," she nearly humanly snarled, "a bad choice. It makes him sound like a juvenile delinquent, which he is not. It's not his choice that I couldn't hold his attention anymore." Her tone was seething and suddenly she seemed to be having a difficult time breathing like she had just run a marathon.
I didn't know what to say. She was defending Edward's reputation even if she was highly misinformed about why he had left. What had he told her?
"Okay," I told her in a soothing tone trying to calm her. "I'll let them know you don't like that option," I assured her, "but he has to go somewhere. He won't be coming with us," I added reluctantly not wanting to upset her again.
"A relative's or a music school?" she barely said between her ragged breaths. "Anything else, Esme," she pleaded breathlessly. "I can't have him being punished on my account."
"All right," I told her. "I'll make your opinion known. You might get out voted, though. Keep in mind that although Carlisle and I have the ultimate say, we try to do what most of the family would prefer."
"Yes, I know," she said her breathing more normal, but it sounded like tears were rolling down her face. "Please take what I said into consideration."
"Of course we will. Your opinion matters, Bella," I insisted.
She was breathing better, but it still sounded laboured to me. "What time on Monday were you thinking?" she asked between breaths.
"As early as you want," I told her easily. "It's quite the drive to Seattle and we would not want to get back too late."
"How about I check with my Dad Sunday night and call you to confirm?"
"Sounds good," I agreed. "Just as a warning there is some small chance that the family will vote for me not to come that much ahead of them. So, the answer on Sunday night might be for us to reschedule for later in the week."
"Fair enough," she replied, but she sounded far away.
I waited hoping she was just thinking. After many minutes had passed I asked her gently, "Was there something else, Bella?"
"I'd like some truth again," she stated weakly a moment later, but her breathing seemed more like her normal.
"Okay," I answered hesitantly. "I'll do my best."
"Charlie just left hunting for bears that some have claimed are actually wolves. Can he hurt them?"
"I don't really know, Bella," I answered hesitantly assuming she was talking about the Quiluete wolves and not sure what to say. "That's more a question for Carlisle. The little I know, yes, to hurt, no, to kill."
"Could Charlie get hurt?" she asked clearly anxious.
"Like I said last time my experience is that wolves generally stay away from humans, but if the humans get too close they can get hurt. Generally it's safer to stay away, but in the forest the wolves would have the advantage and could easily run away, so there's a greater chance that no one would get hurt."
"Good," she stated emphatically. "I don't want anyone to get hurt."
"Neither do we," I agreed.
Minutes had passed when she spoke again, "Esme?"
"Yes, Bella?"
"Do you think it's possible that all the parts of the Quileute tales might have some truth to them?"
"I don't know their tales, Bella," I told her plainly.
"Of course. That makes sense. Well," she started and then stopped like before, "do you think it's possible," she asked and then paused, "that my friend Jake might," another pause, "turn out to," a longer pause, "like wolves?"
Her inability to speak seemed new. I wondered what it was all about, but chose to just answer her question. "Well, if I remember right he is the descendent of their last chief Ephraim Black. I guess it would stand to reason, if this kind of thing was genetic that, yes, he would. Lots of odd things are passed down in our genes."
"Yes. I suppose that's true." There was a long pause. "Thanks, Esme."
"Always," I assured her even though I was unsure in how I had helped her. "Sunday night, then?" I confirmed.
"Yes, talk to you then," she agreed. "I got to go."
"Alright, dear. Take care of yourself."
She was gone before I had finished my farewell.
Closing my phone, I went downstairs to the dining room, which looked more like a military staging area than a table.
"Bella requested to spend time with me on Monday in Seattle. She tentatively agreed to a shopping trip with Alice and I on Friday. And she requested a cover story where Edward is not in trouble. She recommended that he was staying with relatives or going to a fancy music school," I reported on her behalf.
"How could you give into this ridiculous request?" Rosalie shrieked. "She's protecting his reputation after the state she's in? What did he care about her reputation or health or state of mind?" she snarled.
"I was equally surprise, Rosalie," I told her soothingly, "but I promised her that I would relay her requests, even though I was sure you heard me."
"We were trying not to listen," grumbled Emmett.
"Any more objections to Bella's requests?" I checked.
"Relatives are a bad idea. Too much documentation," added Jasper. "Music school, especially foreign, wouldn't be too difficult to forge."
Rosalie stood with her arm crossed. "There is no way that Edward gets out of this scot free. We're all taking a hit. Emmett and Jasper and I will be spending most of our time scouting for Victoria. Alice has to go back to high school in case Laurent comes back. Bella is a mess. No."
"I agree that Edward will have consequences," I mollified her than added, "but since we all created the half-starved, nearly dead version of Bella, I think we should seriously consider her request. I didn't understand half, well most, of her reasoning, to be honest with you Rosalie. Not to mention that much of what she said made little sense to me. She seemed to be unable to speak at times, her breathing hitched in strange ways, her heart sounded off. There are tons of things that I don't understand. However, what I can say is that the mere idea of us tarnishing Edward's reputation created a physical altercation in Bella. I am genuinely concerned that if we disregarded her request that it might be detrimental to her. Just keep that in mind whatever you all come up with. That is all I'm asking."
Putting that aside, they informed me that Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett still hadn't decided what their cover story should be or what they would be actually doing. And it seemed that her requests had complicated matters.
"Objections to me being there to take her to Seattle on Monday?" I asked looking around the room.
"Wolves, Mom," Emmett stated as if it was obvious.
"We have a treaty," I pointed out.
"We can't lose you," Jasper said in his short military command tone.
"The house is the most fortified that we own because of the modification you requested Jasper. There are shutters, and wolves can't climb trees," I pointed out.
"What about the Denalis?" Alice offered.
"Yes, that could work," Rosalie agreed.
Although I appreciated their concern that I might get harmed on my own, I found it aggravating. I was alone in a house for most of the day most days and that didn't seem to bother them, but this did.
I turned to Alice and Jasper asking them, "When would you be coming?"
"Right now it's looking like Wednesday," Jasper told me crisply, but his eyes were full of contradictory emotions.
"I'll be gone most of Monday," I pointed out. "That leaves a few hours on Sunday and then Tuesday. I appreciate all of your concern about my well-being, but it seems like a lot to ask of the Denalis to come down to keep me company when I won't be there most of that time," I pointed out. "Not to mention it would be greatly upset Carlisle if the Denalis were to get into any altercation with the wolves."
"Alice?" Jasper asked his voice without emotion.
She closed her eyes stilling. After a few moments she opened them, "Esme doesn't disappear or have interference once, but as you know things can change."
"We'll make a decision once Carlisle weighs in," I told them effectively ending the conversation.
They all nodded that they heard me.
"I'm going up to pack my belonging in case we do vote for me to leave," I let them know while heading back upstairs.
I texted Carlisle for him to call when he could.
A few hours later he rang. By then everything I would want stored was in boxes ready to be shipped.
"How are things going?" I asked upon answering.
"As well as they can be," he told me.
"I asked you to call because Bella is free to spend time with me on Monday," I told him while travelling down to the dinning room. "But Jasper and Alice predict that they won't be ready to leave until Wednesday, which would have me in Washington Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday before their arrival."
"I don't like the sound of that," he stated.
"Alice?" I asked her.
She repeated what she had seen.
"Alice suggested calling the Denalis," Rosalie put in.
"And I pointed out how that might complicate things with the wolves," I added.
"Jasper?" Carlisle added.
"It's risky, but knowing more about Bella and things there would aid us strategically here."
"I don't like it," Emmett added, "but I won't object. I prefer having Kate or Eleazar there, but I get why we need to play nice with the wolves."
"I don't like it," Rosalie stated. "It's not worth the risk. Esme can wait till Wednesday when Jasper and Alice can go."
"It looks fine," Alice put in, "so I'm agreeable, if reluctant, to say yes."
"It has some risk, but it fits the cover story," Jasper added.
After long minutes Carlisle told us, "I'm reluctant to agree, but won't object. I think we should call the Denalis and tell them our decision to move back, but not to request their assistance. If they offer, then we can explain the stipulations that come with the treaty." After a brief pause he asked, "Alice?"
"No change," she reported.
"Rosalie?" he asked.
"Fine," she told him bitingly, "but if Esme gets even a scratch I'm tearing those dogs apart and making sure you have lasting scars."
"Fair enough," he agreed after a heavy pause. "I'll call the Denalis when I get off work."
"Thank you, love. I appreciate it," I told him. "Your faith in me and desire to protect me means a lot," I told them all.
"I love you," he told me earnestly.
"As I you," I agreed.
Once the phone disconnected I told them, "Let me know when I'm flying out."
