I had Angels and Airwaves' song 'Breathe' stuck in my head for this chapter (demonegg - I got this song stuck in my head during your story too). Three guesses as to what Cloud almost told her... again.
Chapter 68: Priorities
Zack finally fell asleep in her arms.
He was still Zack. Tifa wasn't going to call him a different name. It was a little bit awkward holding him, because he was slumped forward and she was holding him against her chest and shoulder, but she would have held him all night long if it meant he finally slept. She had the distinct impression he hadn't lately. He reminded her of Denzel in a way, always pretending nothing was wrong and breaking and breaking and breaking inside.
She heard movement behind her and then felt Cloud. One of his long legs shifted to bracket either side of her as he sat down behind her and his hands found her shoulders. Gentle, he coaxed her back so she could rest with her back against his chest. It left him supporting both her and Zack and he leaned his arms forward so that they fell loosely over her shoulders and Zack's back. For a very long time they all stayed that way, Zack sleeping and Tifa and Cloud keeping silent watch. The two guarding the one. The same thing Cloud and Zack had done for her, the same thing she and Zack had done for Cloud. Tifa turned her head a little after a while so that she could rest her face against Cloud's throat and one of his hands moved, shifted to stroke over her hair and slide down her side to curl over her stomach. Which gave its funny little jump inside her at the heat of his hand there.
The man had no idea what he did to her.
"You're not," she whispered finally in the darkness and Cloud made a quiet sound to show he was listening.
"You're not from those pods. I saw. What was there wasn't human. It wasn't close to human. If you were both from those pods there would have been things that looked more like you there as well but there weren't."
"Tifa – "
"You're not, Cloud. I would love – I would love you and Zack if you had paws and fuzzy ears but you're not. Whatever was in those pods was Hojo trying to make things more human and less like monsters. He didn't have humans figured out or he wouldn't still be making monsters." Blind, her hand reached up and found the other side of Cloud's throat and she heard the way his lips parted to inhale as her fingers touched him.
"You and Zack weren't made in those pods. I don't know what those notebooks say but Hojo didn't make either of you. He couldn't have. Someone who does that kind of thing to others will never be able to figure out the things that make you and Zack who you are."
Cloud's head lowered so that it was closer to hers and he exhaled long and slow, she felt the movement of his chest against her back. His blue eyes were closed.
"Tifa, I do – " he stopped himself and she waited but he didn't say anything else. Gentle, she turned the fingers against his throat to brush his cheek.
"My Cloud," she whispered softly. "You will always be my Cloud."
His hand moved from her stomach and rose. He laid it over her chest and from any other man it would have been a grope. But he pressed his long fingers against her breastbone and the tips touched her collarbone and she suddenly realized what he was laying his hand over.
Her wound. Cloud was laying his hand over the exact path of her wound.
"My Tifa," his voice was low and throaty and she heard absolute iron under it. His head sank and he pressed his face into her shoulder. She barely heard his whisper.
"Mine."
It had her stomach going weightless and she felt weak. If Zack hadn't been there she might have melted. Or worse, turned her head and asked Cloud to kiss her again the way he had by the kitchen sink. As it was she was trapped between the two men and so moving wasn't an option. Which was just as well. Each day she got worse and worse at pretending she wasn't in love with Cloud Strife. She lay her hand over his where it rested warm and forgiving against her chest and shut her eyes, tilting her head to rest it against Cloud's. Slow, quiet, eventually she dozed off.
"Hey Teef?"
She woke up at the voice and made an answering sound to show she was listening before she even realized what was going on or remembered where she was.
"I think I need to get outside," Zack's voice whispered and she remembered and opened her eyes to see –
sunshine…
Reaching up she stroked Cloud's hair and wondered if he'd be able to straighten up after sleeping the way he was. They all were.
"Cause I'm thinking I need to burn these books and I'm thinking right now and so before I call up some fire materia I figure we should distract me. With food. And pretty girls. And maybe I'm going to go get drunk. But not set things on fire. Even though we should really burn these books."
"Okay," Tifa was active promptly, giving Cloud a nudge that had him sitting up with a jerked inhale.
"We're going outside now. We going to take Zack to the top of a mountain and push him off or something."
Cloud made a face and shifted backward and Tifa heard his joints crack. Zack sat up as well and turned his head until it cracked too. Then he stood up. It wasn't with his usual energy but at least it was standing and he offered down a hand to help Tifa haul herself to her feet. Then he offered one to Cloud who was absently rubbing feeling back into his left arm. Their eyes met, blue to violet.
"I owe you, man," Zack told the silent blond. "I'm not your friend, but you stood by me all these days anyway."
Cloud took his hand and stood up. When he was on his feet he held it still.
"You are my friend. He was too. I can have more than one friend." Cloud paused. "Even if this one annoys me more than the other one."
Despite himself, Zack smiled. Just a little but it was like watching someone whose legs had been broken starting to walk again. He hooked an arm over Tifa's shoulders and the other over Cloud's.
"You guys love me. I know 'cause you just included me in one of your marathon snuggle sessions. Come on, let's get something to eat."
Tifa went along with Zack, not at all sure she wanted to deal with what 'marathon snuggle sessions' meant. She didn't think she could handle another 'Marlene' talk right now. Without having to discuss it, they left the Highwind and went up the trail to Cosmo Canyon. When they reached the main set of buildings however, Zack hesitated.
"I don't - really don't think I'm in the mood to see the others right now."
Cloud nodded and took the lead. Apparently he'd already scouted the town between sitting up with Tifa, watching over Zack, and making the kids want to adopt him. They ended up in a small, one room tavern where the bar took up most of the room and the tables for food seemed to be an afterthought. That was soon proved wrong though as they were brought out the most mouthwatering tasting pie of potatoes and meat and vegetables Tifa had possibly ever smelled. She actually felt liquid pool in her mouth as it was set in front of her and it made her wonder when the last time she ate – really ate, not just Denzel's stash – was. She tucked into her food as quickly as politely possible but apparently she wasn't the only one because the boys all but inhaled theirs.
"Don't suppose they've got anything strong enough here to get drunk on," Zack still had his plan in mind. For Tifa, Cloud explained:
"The mako. It helps your system burn off other poisons. Alcohol counted."
"So you've got to drink like a fish to get drunk and it doesn't usually last unless you've hit yourself with something really hard," Zack picked up. "For fun, when I was in SOLDIER – " he cut himself off abruptly and blinked. Looked back down at his almost empty plate and pushed it away. "Yeah, so, you can't really get drunk but your body doesn't count headaches from hangovers as poison so when you get those it's no help at all." Zack looked down at his hands for a long minute and then turned his attention on Cloud. Looking suddenly angry.
"How do you do it? How do you live with knowing you're not who you think you are? What do you do with all the memories?"
Cloud exhaled and looked down at his drink. His plate was already polished clean. After a pause, he started slowly:
"I trace back as far as I can that I know the memories are mine and I go forward from there. Everything I did while I was the me that I am now, that's what I call 'me'. Anything that happens in the fractured memories or before I – try not to think about all the memories from before that point."
His eyes lifted for a minute, concentrated blue, and met Tifa's. She had been a memory from 'before'. He hadn't avoided that.
Zack fisted his hands in front of him and rested his face against them, elbows on the tabletop. Brows down. Concentrating.
"I've got all the way back to the Shinra building in Midgar. I remember before that – working with the Turks in Mideel. I was in Junon…" Frustrated he shook his head. "Damn it, I can't – which memories are mine mixed in with the ones that aren't?"
Tifa reached over and touched his hand. Thoughtful.
"Cloud said your memories aren't like his, right? That you remember in a straight line while his are all fragmented. And you remember things that he doesn't. Maybe – maybe some of those memories really are yours?" She still didn't believe that either of them had come from tubes. Not because coming from tubes would make them monsters but because they were both too full and deep to have been born five or six or however many years ago. They acted like they'd lived long, hard lives already at their young age. She would expect someone just born, even with several years of experience to still feel – young. And even when Cloud felt young, a part of him still felt ancient.
Zack looked over at her, not sure if he wanted to hear what she was saying.
"Like – Kalm. You say you were born in Kalm. But the other Zack was born in Gongaga, right? So why do you remember being born in Kalm? Maybe you really were born in Kalm. It doesn't make sense that they'd brain wash you with the wrong information."
Zack frowned and pressed his chin into his fists. Thinking.
"I do remember Kalm. I remember having to climb up on a bench to look in a shop window. I remember – I remember which shop sold candy and that I got more when it was the little old lady than when it was the old man." He paused. Looked over at Cloud. Who silently shook his head. Apparently Zack-Fair had never mentioned those things to him. Which didn't mean much but it was a start. Zack frowned.
"But I look like him. I mean – Aerith almost passed out and Cloud almost killed me," he shot his friend a slanted look but Cloud seemed not to notice, pretending instead he was concentrating on working the feeling back into his left hand. Zack ran his fingers through his feathered black hair. "Unless he had a twin that was stolen at birth, it doesn't make sense that his exact duplicate would be wandering around on the other side of the world."
Tifa lifted a shoulder but her eyes were brighter. Because Zack's eyes were brighter.
"I don't know," she agreed. "But it's a start. Maybe if we went to Kalm we'd find some more pieces to the puzzle."
"Yeah!" Zack's energy levels were starting to rise again and his hand tightened around Tifa's that had been resting on it. Then he stopped and looked over at Cloud who'd been sitting silently. Serious, he asked: "What about Sephiroth? Did he survive the explosion?"
Cloud's blue eyes shifted over and he moved his head, a barely there shake.
"I don't know. Red – Nanaki's grandfather is supposed to be able to hear the planet. I was going to see if I could talk to him tomorrow."
Zack nodded.
"I'm going too then. I'll figure out who I really am – but if Sephiroth is still around, I've got a bit of payback first." His hand gave Tifa's a light squeeze and Cloud's eyes shifted for just a moment to her face as well.
"Yeah" the blond warrior agreed. "Me too."
