Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 14 Jan 17)
Chapter 8: Uncomfortable Truths
The rest of Saturday I spent packing. Everything that I wanted with me upon my arrival to Forks was prepared, including my paintings of Bella and of Carlisle. Arranging furniture for the Forks house wasn't a consideration, since it already had the major furniture pieces, as we had left in such a hurry, and no one had wanted the reminisces of Bella's scent from those pieces in the new place anyway.
There were choice pieces of art that I usually liked to have in all our homes, but given the risks in Forks and the likelihood of moving again in June, I decided to put all the art pieces, including the ones that were on the walls, in storage. I packed and labelled each appropriately. Alice or Rosalie would take care of ensuring that they got where they belonged.
Alice found me in the early hours of Sunday. "You leave from Newark at eight-forty in the morning and get into Seattle at noon. Rosalie is going to drive you. You'll find a car at the Sea-Tac airport upon arrival with Hertz, probably a Lincoln. Rosalie would prefer, rather than shipping your car, that you get this year's model upon your arrival."
"That's fine. Replacing my car had already been agreed in the January family meeting anyway. No reason not to do that now."
She continued as if she expected my response. "Emmett will go with you in a separate vehicle. After they drop you off, they will go to the Mercedes dealership, trade in yours and you should be able to pick up the new one in Seattle upon your arrival or Port Angeles later in the week depending on whether Seattle has the one she wants you to have in the storeroom."
"I trust you," I told Rosalie who was sitting downstairs at the dining room table.
"I'll fix it once I get there," Rosalie responded back.
"Of course, dear," I replied having no doubt that would have been the case.
Alice stilled. "You should leave here in an hour. If you do, you should be able catch Carlisle coming out of surgery. We'll vote on the cover stories and other details once Carlisle is back from the hospital and you're on the ground. Rosalie will fill you in on where we stand on the way to the airport."
"Thank you darling." Then I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
She hugged me. "I love you, Mom." Leaning into my ear, she begged me, "Be safe."
"I love you too, Alice," I told her as she pulled back.
She flittered away and I spent the last hour making sure everything was in order.
Rosalie looking scared and mad as she got into my car and drove me to the hospital while Emmett followed behind in the Jeep. Upon arriving Rosalie joined Emmett.
Anticipation along with some nervousness filled me. But I needed not worry, as I didn't have to wait long before he could be seen coming out of the hospital doors and towards me.
"This must be the worst part of our roles, Mrs. Cullen," he told me once he had slipped into the driver's seat.
"I couldn't agree more, Dr. Cullen."
"I haven't had any time with you in too long," he murmured with longing. "And we won't be in one another's company until I wrap up here. At least another ten days." Looking at me he asked with a groan, "Tell me once more why I agreed with this."
"I know," I assured him. "I miss you already."
"Please be careful," he pleaded. "I don't like that you're going to be there alone with five wolves as neighbours. Despite my appreciation of Ephraim and their kind, it makes me nervous. If this hadn't clearly been so important to you, I would have said no."
"I know that you're concerned for my well-being, love, but I trust you to take care of yourself while you are away from me at conferences and other such things. I need you to trust me. If I must, I will go into town and be near humans or scale a tree."
"Trees do love you," he agreed trying to smile but failing.
"It's only temporary," I reminded him. "Alice will be there soon and with Alice comes Jasper."
My words seemed to have done their intended job as he nodded and steeled himself. When he was ready he asked, "Any final thoughts?"
"Not that I know of," I told him.
He leaned over and brought me into his arms. "I don't like you that far away without company," he whispered into my ear his fear clear.
"I know, but I need to go," I whispered back to him. "When Bella's well-being is taken into account, it is the best option overall," I reminded him.
"I know. I agreed to it. I don't have to like it," he grumbled into my ear pulling me into himself tighter.
I smirked holding him equally as tightly. "No you don't."
Kissing him ravishing, he replied in kind.
"Come to me soon, my love," I told him as our lips separated.
"Soon, Miss Platt," he promised.
"I love you."
"And I you," he told me earnestly his hands resting on my cheeks gazing into my eyes deeply. "Be safe," he said as he withdrew his hands and prepared himself for our separation.
"Always."
With that he opened the door and walked back into the hospital not once glancing in my direction.
Watching Carlisle's retreating form, I could see that he was tense forcing himself to move forward. Was this what he looked like when he had left me behind when I was human? Had he simply decided the most honourable action, squared his shoulders, and moved forward? Perhaps this is where he did have faith back then. He had trusted that his God would take care of the world while he did what he thought was right. Given what he had shared regarding his ignorance regarding love and how little he believed he deserved, perhaps this was a more accurate account of my husband than what my hurt had conjured.
Truth or not, the image helped soothe the slight irritations that had remained after our talk in the tree. Not to mention that I could not deny that this was the part of Carlisle that I admired so much. He would do the right thing irrelevant of the cost to him. And, if I was honest, I found it appealing. It would be a long week before we were once more joined together.
Returning to the car and manoeuvring it away from the hospital, Rosalie took one look at me and grabbed my hand. "You're tough, Mom. You'll be fine." I had to wonder who she was trying to convince: herself or me.
"Thank you for the encouragement, Rose. I'm certain you're right. It's just hard," I admitted struggling to put on the brave face I usually wore not wanting to add to her worries.
"I wouldn't trade places with you, that's for sure," she mused.
"Drive and fill me in," I asked of her needing a distraction.
"Yes, ma'am," Rosalie replied with a wicked smile and gunned it to the airport.
On the way Rosalie described every option and possibility that they had come up with. Their primary assumption was that Laurent was being honest that Victoria was looking for revenge, and that both Laurent and Victoria were risks to Bella and ourselves. They had also assumed that based on Victoria's behaviour the last time we encountered her that she would be unwilling to come at us directly. How she might have been in contact with Laurent was an unsolved puzzle, but they had assumed that she was gathering information waiting for an opening that require her to risk little, which made sense, based on what we knew of her. How she believed that she could act against us with Edward on her trail was another mystery.
Even though they had reluctantly agreed with my request to go to Forks earlier than them, since none of them liked the idea of me being in Forks alone, Alice and Jasper were trying to get out to Forks earlier than Wednesday. Their lack of faith in my capacity to keep myself safe was slightly condescending, but I didn't let it show to Rosalie.
Rosalie went on to explain how she and Emmett were planning on staying in Ithaca with Carlisle to close out the house and to finalize shutting everything down. As per our normal procedures she went through every detail of what that would entail. I added little thing to do before leaving the property, and told her I had no objections to what she had shared, in fact I liked them staying to protect Carlisle. The irony of that thought, especially since he had been alone for almost three hundred years, was not lost on me, and I allowed my frustration with my family's hesitancy for me to be alone go.
"There are some moving aspects that Jasper, Emmett, and I are still trying to agree upon, mostly to do with cover stories," she explained. "I figure that we would say that Emmett and I were travelling. As long as we're not seen in Forks or Port Angeles, we should be fine, but Emmett is concerned that if Victoria went into those areas we'd need to follow her, so doesn't like it. Neither does Jasper."
"What about the one where we said that you just got back from Asia, but as the semester hasn't started yet are hanging out at home till school start in September?"
"Emmett doesn't like the idea of looking like we're just living off mom and dad doing nothing. He thought about pretending we returned because of some injury, but that has its own problems."
"You'll find one you all can agree to," I substantiated.
"Jasper's is also a problem. He can't switch his classes to online, as it's too late in the semester. He can just withdraw, but he dislikes the idea for his own reasons. Though, Jasper cares a lot less about appearance than Emmett, except to keep the Volturi off our backs. I suspect it's a matter of pride. We need to ask Carlisle if there's some illness that Emmett or I could have caught in Asia to bring us home early. And we need something different for Jasper. I offered a few sickness options I knew from the last time I went to medical school, but they didn't like any of those ones."
"Can't win them all, Rosalie," I told her attempting to be comforting.
"No," she agreed clearly irritated. After a moment's pause she confided in me, "I don't like you there by yourself."
"You're not the only one," I told her grimly remembering my thoughts about not wanting Carlisle to be alone.
"I don't know how Carlisle has the strength to let you go."
"Hope, faith, and love" was my easy reply given my thoughts as I had watched him walk away from me.
"Huh?" Rosalie asked clearly confused by my answer.
"He has hope that everything will be fine, faith in my capacities, and loves me for my courage."
"Huh."
"What about you, Rosalie?" I asked.
"Scared something will happen to one of us. Mad at Edward. Upset at myself. Irritated that we're upheaving ourselves again," she stated after a moment's pause as if she were giving a lecture.
"Why are you upset at yourself?" I enquired.
"That I couldn't see things from Bella's perspective and voted with Edward because of my own fears. I was so afraid of something happening to us that I thought we'd be better off further away, but instead it made a bigger mess and things are even more dangerous."
"Generally running away doesn't help," I reminded her.
"Well Edward's going to be in a world of surprises when he stops running," she mused.
"Yes," I agreed sadly. "We will help him like we've helped each other, but he will have a long hard road ahead of him."
"How long to do think it'll take before he comes back?" she asked subdued.
"I couldn't say. Last time he was gone for years. Alice thought he wouldn't last more than six weeks and we're going on six months. Who knows? He's just as stubborn as you, if not more so. How long would you give him?"
She pondered. "End of this year at most. I think the idea of Bella going off to college and leaving Forks without him will be too much for him, but what do I know?"
"We all know nothing. We see in part and we know in part."
Then her voice got quiet. "I'm also upset at myself that I acted presumptuously like Alice and Edward. It's hard Mom. In one way, I have decades of experience and have wisdom that she couldn't possibly have. But then I try to put myself in her shoes. I think of myself at her age, certain I had it all figured out and confident on my chosen path. If someone had come and taken away my choices acting like my decisions were bad, even though they were, I probably would have been furious and fought it every inch of the way. I had been over at Vera's even though my mother heavily disapproved of her and who she had married. My mother thought Vera was below my station, and maybe she was, but she also was my only friend who was not jealous. She was truly happy that I was happy, and I treasured that."
Nodding in understanding, "That's true, Rose. It's part of the age. If I could wish for anything for Bella, it would be that she would be given the chance to mature a little. Irrelevant if she changed her mind or still wanted to be one of us, at least some years, I believe, would allow her to choose with more wisdom."
Pondering my words she asked, "I'm stuck at that age, too, aren't I? Stubbornly sure of my thoughts and ways."
Smiling encouragingly at her, I told her honestly, "Perhaps in your early years, but you have loosened up some since then."
Her lips pursed, "Perhaps, but not enough. Your story told me that I was being as much stubborn and insistent in my ways as Alice and Edward. At least I wasn't manipulative like them."
Smiling gently as I pressed her, "That's true, but Rose, you tend to pout and do other things to try to get your way."
"Yeah, that's true," she grumbled. Her face softened. "It's one of the things I love about Emmett. He has such a gentle temperament. He doesn't push or demand. He's not certain his ways are right. He sees things as they are, is quick to adjust, and then wants to act."
"Emmett is truly a blessing to our family," I agreed.
"Thanks for talking some sense into him, mom," she said quietly.
"You're welcome. Fortunately, he is usually the best at listening to advice," I deadpanned.
She smiled and then bristled. After a few moments, it was clear that she wanted to move on to other things. When she was ready she asked me, "What have you been painting, if you don't mind sharing?"
Respecting her need to change the topic I told her, "I'm not ready for them to be seen yet, but I added Bella as I remember her before we left Forks, and then what I imagined she will look if she were to be turned. I'm now working on the Carlisle from my human past, and the past Carlisle that I imagined."
"Do you still have your human memories of him?" she questioned her curiosity apparent.
"They're not super clear, but yes."
"Emmett has his of me," she murmured. She seemed lost in thought for a while and then suddenly asked, "Do you really think Bella will choose this life if Edward were out of the picture?"
"I don't know, Rose," I answered after a moment's thought. "I just couldn't say. I don't know Bella in that way, honestly. This is part of why I'm going. I want to have more answers, so we can make better decisions."
"Well, if there's anyone to do the job of an ambassador, it would be you," she told me her conviction clear.
"I think you have me confused with Carlisle," I teased.
"No, Carlisle is a diplomat. You are an ambassador," she informed me with a smile on her lips.
"Thank you, Rosalie. That's a very sweet complement."
We sat in companionable silence for a while.
Finally, I broke it. "Rose, can I offer you some advice?"
"What, Mom?" she asked defensively.
"Find a way to forgive yourself. Whether human or vampire, at every juncture you have chosen what you knew to be the best at the time. You've had to learn some difficult lessons along the way, but don't hold it against yourself. You did not fail. You are not a failure. You are simply, like the rest of us, learning as we go. Some of our lessons are bitter and hard to swallow, but often those will transform us into something greater than we were before."
She frowned and assured me, "I'll try, Mom."
"I know you will my sweet girl. That's all I ask."
We were nearing the airport, so we covered the last things. I got out with my bags, hugged Rosalie and Emmett goodbye, thanked them both for bringing me, thanked Rosalie for sorting out my car, and headed into the building to check in.
This would be the first time, since I ran away from Charles, that I had lived on my own. Even if it was for a few days, I imagined myself the woman I was in my tale. If she could manage life pregnant and poor, I could manage a few days with my family only a phone call away. Jasper and Alice planned to be there no later than Wednesday after all. Despite the silliness of doing so, I was apprehensive. The newness of my situation alone was enough to cause me to be uneasy. At the same time, that same newness was exhilarating. I hadn't felt so alive in a long time. As the plane rose into the air I thanked the clouds for Bella and all that she was teaching me.
Just like Alice had predicted, I landed a little after two into Seattle. My arrival was greeted with a text from Rosalie telling me that my new car would not be ready. I paid for a porter to load my bags into the rental and drove to Forks. I had texted them all letting them know that I had arrived safely, even though Alice would have been watching me.
Carlisle informed me that he probably would be working until Tuesday, but would call when he could.
Arriving at the house was strange. I parked the rental car in the garage, but the echo closing my car door created due to the absence of any other vehicle was disconcerting. Even though it was quick work to remove all the sheets and clean the house, the house felt like a stranger. Without the family, it was just a house, even though I was fairly pleased on how the design of the property had turned out. As an added precaution, I brought the shutters down blocking my view of the surrounding trees that I loved so much. I was unpacking my belongings and situating my office space when my phone rang.
"Hello," I answered.
"Good evening, Esme," Bella greeted me.
"Well, aren't you formal today," I told her playfully.
"Yeah, well," she muttered sounding embarrassed. Collecting herself she continued, "I talked to my Dad and he said tomorrow was fine. Where are you?"
"The family acquiesced to my request and I am in our Forks home," I told her.
Breathless she replied, "Oh, that's good."
Unsure of why my answer had caused her response I decided to let it be and focus on making our arrangements for tomorrow. "When shall I pick you up?"
"I was thinking you could pick me up between eight and nine in the morning," she told me.
"Could you give me a precise time?" I requested. "I don't have Alice helping me out."
"Eight-thirty?" she offered.
"Sounds good to me," I let her know. "Do you want me to pick up breakfast on the way?" I asked.
"No, I'll eat something before you get here," she told me.
"Do I need to pack anything for you for the trip?" I checked.
"Um, no, thank you. I'll bring some water. I should be good."
"All right," I agreed reluctantly. "In that case, I'll see you at eight-thirty at your house," I confirmed.
"Sounds good, Esme. Thanks again."
"You're welcome. Sweet dreams when you go to sleep. See you in the morning."
After she hung up I continued setting things up in the house. Fortunately, Carlisle was able to ring later that night. I told him everything about my day. Before I could really get to the end, he was needed. I decided for old-time's sake to write him a letter. So, I sat down and penned to him what it was like to be in the Forks house alone, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my paintings, and what I had learned since my imagining; how I believed the events to have gone since then, especially how our time in Newfoundland had changed me; how I thought he was changing; and how our family was changing. I had filled so many pages it was nearly a book.
I grabbed it with the intention of asking Bella if she would mind if we stopped and mailed it along the way to Seattle.
It was eight twenty-nine according to my phone when I pulled up to Bella's home. There was only her truck and I wondered if Charlie had already gone to work.
When she opened the door she actually looked even worse than my painting of her. Giving her a hug I held my breath. As she moved to leave I breathed her in a little, comparing my memory of her old scent with this new one, as I was certain Carlisle would ask me about it, allowed her presence to surround me, accepting the burn in the back of my throat for doing so, and asked if she had everything she needed. She said that she did and we then both entered the car.
Right before opening the driver's door, I took in a deep breath and held it. It was slightly uncomfortable, but with us in a closed small space and it being so long since I had spent such close proximity around her, I didn't want to take any chances. At first, we rode in silence. I didn't want to push her and she kept watching me out of the corner of her eye as if she was afraid that if she closed her eyes I would disappear. It seemed to confirm Rosalie's hypothesis that she had been struggling to believe that we had existed in her life. Assuming Rosalie's hypothesis was correct, her fear would be reasonable. I just didn't know how to help her see that her fear was unfounded.
Bella broke the silence when we were more than half way to Seattle. "Why don't you drive fast?"
Smiling slightly as her question reminded me of driving with Rosalie or Edward I told her, "Number of reasons: one, I don't want a ticket; two, I'm not as much as a speed junkie as the kids; three, I want you to be comfortable and this seemed like a speed that would be amicable to you."
"Oh."
Delicately I tried to broach her acting as if I would disappear at any moment. "You, know, Bella. I really am here."
"I'm having a hard time believing it," she admitted, confirming in these words Rosalie's hypothesis.
After some thought of how to help her overcome this I told her, "I can tell. Here," I said as I offered my hand.
"That's not weird for you?" she checked as she put her hand in mine.
"You're warmer than I, so it's a little different from when I hold Alice's hand or Carlisle's hand, but no, it's not weird. If this is what you need to help you know, for sure, that you can't get rid of me, then I am glad to do it."
"I would never want to get rid of you," she told me fervently.
"Good, because I hope you'll stick around."
She smiled sadly.
We went back into silence for a while.
Slowly taking in some air through my nose filling my lungs once more my throat's fire intensified, but I felt firmly in control of myself, so this time I broke our silence. "Did you know where you wanted to go shopping?"
"Well, I found three shops online that sounded good. The first was Elliott Bay Book Company, the other was Queen Anne Books, and the third was Third Place Books. They all have a selection of used and new books."
"Well, if you're anything like Carlisle, we might not make it out of the first one."
She giggled. "I suppose we might not."
"Perhaps they'll have a café so I can make sure that I can feed you?" I looked over to her sideways. "I'm worried about you, Bella. You look like you've lost too much weight since I last saw you."
Blushing she appeared embarrassed. "I've been forgetting to eat or I've been too upset to hold anything down. I'm not purposefully trying to lose weight or anything," she defended herself.
"I figured it was something like that, but since I show love by fussing, I'm going to make sure that you eat every three hours, and drink lots of liquids," I told her proud that I knew this.
"When did you learn about that Esme?" she asked her tone light and teasing.
"I might have asked Carlisle about how to take care of you today," I admitted bashfully.
She smiled widely. "Well, he would know." Her voice seemed pleased to talk about him. "How is he?" She seemed to be genuinely asking.
My face scrunched up while I tried to think of how to describe how my husband was doing. "Do you want a polite answer?" I asked deciding to let her decide.
She frowned and her face scrunched up like the question confused her. After many long minutes she answered, "No, Esme, I think I'd rather the truth." But there was no strength in her words like she was afraid of what she was asking for.
Eying her speculatively, I tried to figure out if she was assessing herself accurately. Eventually I decided to be honest and then see how she handled it. "Truth is that he has been struggling, but things are getting better."
Her body tensed. "I'm sorry, Esme, I shouldn't have asked that. He's your husband, and that's probably private."
"Yes, it is private, but I offered." I spoke earnestly, "Ask any question you want. I promise if I'm not comfortable answering, I'll let you know."
She seemed to relax some, then proclaim, "Deal."
"Are you sure you want to hear more?" I prodded.
Bringing down my window a few centimetres, I moved my face towards the fresh air and inhaled deeply. Looking over to Bella, she appeared to be watching me empathetically. Smiling timidly at her I closed the window, and then looked at her in expectation of an answer.
Her facial expression changed; my lack of Carlisle's level of control forgotten. She looked at me seriously and intently. "Yes," she finally answered after a few minutes.
"See, Carlisle has always had an amazing ability for great empathy, much like you have at times. Carlisle often, without intention, can see the world from another's perspective. It is how he finds a way forward for us all when we're in conflict. He will see each individual's perspective and finds a way that incorporates something of what everyone else sees as well as his own. He is, in large part, why we all have been able to live together with little conflict all these years with moving and making many changes.
"He failed to be able to do that at the discussion that transpired after your birthday. He could not see my perspective, which was of a young sixteen-year-old that had become infatuation with her doctor and had hoped every day that he would come and sweep her off her feet. His failing, is in part due to my failing.
"In the beginning of our relationship, when I should have laid all my cards on the table and told him of how much he had impacted me, I didn't. I didn't because I was no longer that young girl. I didn't because I was then with him and it seemed unimportant. But mostly I didn't because I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to put him leaving me, as he continued on with his life, behind me and move past how much he had hurt me. Also, I ended up suffering because of his leaving me behind, and I didn't want him to feel as if my past was his fault.
"We were at an impasse. I was frozen with uncertainty, unable to speak my truth after all these years had gone by. He was frozen in a mindset that he believed in fervently. In early December, I daydreamed an alternative possibility where he did stay in my life. When I opened my eyes and realised that I was once again in Ithaca I required him to take a sabbatical and we went away to a place we have in Newfoundland. We spent two months talking and working on our marriage, with a brief visit from Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett Christmas Eve to about a week after New Year's Day.
"We were honest with each other and spoke to one another about things that we should have been worked on decades ago. We both, but especially me, feel that our family has paid a heavy price for our failures, but none more so than you." I looked at her. "Words are not enough to express how entirely sorry I am."
Out of air I brought the window down again and took in another deep breath. Her scent was mixed in and my throat burned, but I perceived myself to be in control, and closed the window once more.
She looked contemplative and sad. "Honestly, Esme, I don't understand. I can't see how this is your fault."
I tried to consider how things might look from her perspective and where the confusion lay. "I'm uncertain how you see our family and our dynamics. Perhaps I am assuming Edward explained things about us that he didn't." I paused trying to order my thoughts.
I watched her breathing stop, her right hand move to her heart at the mention of 'Edward,' and deep pain flash across her features. It was almost as if her movement was involuntary. Her breathing also stopped for a few seconds, but fortunately she started up again. Although it concerned me, I had no idea what all that meant. I would mention it to Carlisle the next time I spoke to him. Hopefully he would have some answers.
"In general, we make all decisions about where we live together," I continued watching her carefully. Concerned, I remembered that in our phone conversation she had referred to Edward in the third person. So I altered what I was going to say to reflect that. "So, that night after returning you to your home, we had a discussion, upon his request, that we move. He voiced your opinions on the matter on your behalf, which not unusual for us, if a person in a pair can't be there, although it doesn't happen very often."
I watched her respond in nearly the exact same way with the mention of 'his' and then 'he', as she had with his name, so I decided to change how I would explain.
"At any time when we live somewhere someone can ask for us to relocate. Generally, no one does and we only move if suspicions that we need to avoid are raised, or if our time in a space is drawing near. Rosalie is usually the most resistant to moving. Emmett, generally, doesn't care where we live, but prefers if we live near to bears. Jasper cares about the level of risk associated with a new location. Alice wants shopping nearby. Carlisle needs a place to work. I generally don't have a preference.
"There are also times in when the couples might ask to live apart from us. That is also discussed, and although we've never voted against it, and we couldn't stop them, we try to do so as a group and put in place safety measures for them and for those that remain. With me thus far?" I looked over at Bella. It seemed as long as I avoided talking about Edward directly she had no adverse effect.
She nodded at me.
Needing air once more I repeated my taking it from a crack in the window. Then I continued, "On that night, we all voted. For the first time in the history of our marriage Carlisle and I voted against each other."
Her mouth opened a little in surprise, but otherwise she seemed fine so far.
"You already know the result of the vote. But Carlisle and I not being on the same page had a great impact on us as a couple, and, therefore, on us as a family. And the truth is, that without my failings Carlisle would have been able to see my perspective and things probably would have turned out different, in the 'us moving as a family' part. I feel certain that Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and I would have stayed if I had done things differently."
Her eyes looked calculating.
We sat in silence while I allowed her brain to work out what she needed to.
Eventually she asked hesitantly, "So you're apologizing for the family agreeing to move?"
"It was, and still is my opinion, that we should have stayed."
She spoke slowly as if measuring each word. "So, if the family had voted to stay, what would have happened?"
I glanced over to her.
She looked like she was preparing to be beaten.
"Are you sure you want to know the answer to this, Bella? We have time."
"No, I need to know." She was emphatic.
"My opinion, because I cannot know for certain, you understand?"
She nodded and tensed even more.
"I believe that he would have run away. That's what Edward does when things are too much for him. He runs. And he's the fastest of us all. We would never catch him if he didn't want to be caught."
She looked like a deer when it if first became of my proximity and was about to bolt.
Pulling the car over I took a deep cleansing breath as I stepped out of the car, walked around to her side of the car, opened the door, but she was still frozen in place. Slowly I unbuckled her, pulled her towards me out of the car, and wrapped my arms around her drawing her in. She started crying, then sobbing, then wailing. I could feel her hands tighten around my shirt and her tears soaking it. I just held her close and rocked her holding my breath as a precaution.
When her sobs were replaced with light whimperings I ran my right hand from the crown of her head down to the ends of her hair over and over again. It didn't take too long before I felt her pulling back slightly.
Letting her go enough that I could see her face I asked softly, "Are you okay?"
Her face appeared pained and if I didn't know any better she had the look of someone who was too tired to continue fighting. "No, Esme, I really am not," she spoke quietly.
Softening my gaze at her I imagined she was Jasper who could feel my love, affection, and motherly desires to care for her. "Thank you for having the courage to being honest with me," I told her with deep appreciation.
She smiled grimly but seemed to relax the smallest bit. She bit her lower lip obviously lost in thought.
Waiting I considered how I could help her see that she had limitless options and that romantic love, as wonderful as it was, and as powerful as it could be, would never be and could never be everything.
She moved her lips so very softly uttering, "Thank you for telling me the truth. It might not seem like it but it helped."
Eying her once more I confirmed, "Are you sure?"
She smiled a small bit and met my gaze. "Truly, Esme. I've cried so much, too much since your family left, but for the first time it doesn't feel as oppressive."
"I am glad, then. I only want to see you grow stronger, healthier, and develop into the amazing woman you are meant to be." Pausing my tone grew heavy with sorrow. "I can't imagine what my failings have put you through. I was so angry at Carlisle for never coming back for me. You are bound to be angry with me, and that's all right, that's natural. You're entitled to your anger, as I am mine. I only wish that I had been strong enough to refuse the family's decision and stay, but I wasn't. It's not my way, Bella. I am not a fighter and I don't like conflict. I'm trying to learn that not all conflict is bad and some is even healthy. Carlisle and I fought just last week when I finally admitted how angry with him I was for his choice to leave me behind when I was 16. I even snarled at him."
She looked at me her eyes large and she covered her open mouth. "You didn't!" she argued then shook her head. "I can't even imagine you doing so."
My lips in a thin line I repeated, "I did, Bella. You might be able to grasp, like no one else can, how hurt I was by Carlisle's leaving, but you need to also understand that under the hurt I was angry. The force of it was foreign to me, that all these years I didn't even know I was carrying it with me. Jasper told me that he had never felt emotion from me like when it boiled up from within me, and he also told me that if I didn't deal with it, that it would consume me and change me into someone I wouldn't want to be.
"Thus, when Carlisle said some misplaced words I snarled at him, and, in full truth, my reaction scared him, which scared me. I didn't want to hurt him, not really. What I did want, I think, was for him to fully comprehend the totality of the cost I paid for him leaving." Pausing I allowed her time to process my words before I continued. "More than anything, maybe even more than my guilt of leaving, or sorrow for causing you harm, I cannot, with good conscience, allow what was done to me to be done to you. Yet, there was a chance that you and I were different, that I had imagined our similarities, and that my son had been right regarding you being better off without us. Unfortunately, though, with you here now, I can see that my greatest fears have been realized."
Tears poured down her face, but there was the glimmer of a brightness, almost a joy, that hadn't been there before.
"My imagining, in a way, gave me the fullness of my feelings back that the burning and my newborn years had taken. It allowed me to see Carlisle in a way that I hadn't before. He has apologised sincerely and is trying to change, something that is very difficult for us vampires to do. Sure, we can adjust to new surroundings or technologies, but change, truly change, that is something that takes a miracle and my husband, God bless him, is not only willing, but also working so very hard to be a better man. Neither his apologies nor his efforts can take away the hurt or the pain, but it has soothed me some, because both combined tell me that he is, firstly repentant, and secondly that he fully and completely loves me. Consequently, despite all the challenges and my snarls, it all actually has helped heal us both."
She looked hopeful for the first time and having a spark of life that wasn't there before.
We stayed like that until she shifted.
"Esme?" she asked reservedly. "Do you think such a thing is possible for me?"
"I liked to hope so, and for me there is evidence that it's possible."
She smiled cautiously.
"But," I told her pausing so she would hear me and the creases in her forehead increased as I did so, "others might disagree with me. In the end, it's not up to me; it's not even up to you. Ultimately, change is always up to the person making the changing. So, I could never say for sure, but I choose to hope."
She nodded sadly.
When her body seemed to have regulated itself to the sounds in which I was more accustomed, I pulled back even further looking at her. "Better?"
"Actually, yes, Esme." She rubbed her chest with her hand, her face set in a grimace.
Hopefully my words had been healing in some way.
"Ready for me to drive again?" I enquired.
She smiled a little. "Yes."
Walking around to the driver's side once more I took a deep breath, got back into the car, and manoeuvred back onto the highway. "Enough of that for now. Tell me about school."
She frowned and folded into herself.
That was odd; I thought she had always liked school.
"Truth?" she hedged in barely a whisper.
"That would be my preference," I told her sincerely confused by her response.
She looked at my wearily as if her words might hurt me.
"It's okay," I assured her. "I'm fairly durable, remember?"
She smiled a little. "Truthfully, I don't know. I have little memory after my birthday until the beginning of January; about the time your letter arrived, ironically. I seem to be passing my classes, so I guess I wasn't too much out of it. But by the time I came out of whatever haze I had been in, I had been left pretty much was left alone. So, school is blah. I do it as a distraction from the pain and because I didn't want to let Charlie down. Same as work, before you ask. The only thing that hadn't been that way is Jake."
Her assessment had been right. The words were painful, because they made what I had wished wasn't true reality. I wanted for her to know that it was okay to talk about this with me, that although it hurt, I didn't want her to avoid it. Talking is what Carlisle and Jasper said she needed, and her improvement was my priority.
"How are things with Jake?" I asked keeping my tone casual with a hint of my motherly quality coming through.
"Better once I figured out that he had been avoiding me because he turned into a werewolf."
My eyes shot over to her. She seemed fine with that knowledge, relieved actually.
"How did he take you finding out?" I asked carefully minding my tone and my facial features.
"Better than I thought he would. Evidently not talking to me had been eating him up inside, but he had been forced into silence by his Alpha, Sam. So now that that I'm in the know, I'm allowed back over at La Push. I even got to hang out with the gang yesterday. It was fun."
"I'm glad to hear you had a good time," I told her as I found myself struggling with knowing that she was talking about hanging out with young shapeshifters all day. But I wasn't sure how to broach the subject. "Was it just you and the guys?"
"Uh, no. Emily was there too, she's Sam's im–girlfriend."
Whatever she was hiding, it wasn't my place to press for it. "Just be safe," I implored her. "I worry. Guys, even my own, tend to get boisterous and forget their own strength sometimes. I wouldn't want to see you hurt."
"Okay," she stretched out the word, "Esme," and added a reluctant petulant child tone to my name. "I'll be careful."
"Accidents happen, that's all, Bella, and I wouldn't want you to be on the receiving end," I reiterated.
She winced slightly. "Yeah, okay. I'll be careful," she told me more easily this time.
I patted her hand. "Good girl."
Seeing that neither her life nor mine was going to be light conversation, I took in another window cracked breath and decided to change the topic again. "So, what are you desiring at the bookstore? Anything in particular?"
She smiled broadly at my words before telling me, "No not really. I should warn you, I kind of get lost in my own world in a book store."
Smiling at memories of Carlisle and I in bookstores I told her, "Oh, Carlisle is the same." After a moment's pause I changed the topic again, "We're coming near to Seattle, and it is almost three hours since you last ate, so what do you want?"
She looked at me irritatingly.
"Doesn't have to be big," I told her motherly, "just some fruit or a yogurt?"
"Yeah, maybe," she conceded.
"Well, I need to fill up the car, so how about you run into the shop and find a little something."
"Sure, sure," she grumbled.
I smiled. "So about those books?" I asked changing the topic back again.
She smiled back.
At the filling station, she got a snack bar, while I got gas. The scent of the petroleum was heavy and blanketed everything else, which although not as good as forest air, was appreciated.
Bella spent the rest of the journey talking about books.
Once we were parked and in the store, she left to search the stacks. I went to the cooking section and then to the architecture section making sure to stay close enough that I could see her, but far enough away that I wasn't crowding her. At three o'clock I made myself known to her carrying some of the books I had found.
"Rest time," I teased grinning.
She groaned. "Fine," but I could see the sides of her mouth wanting to curl upwards.
It was a small café with limited option, but she chose a little pastry and a hot chocolate. I got a little pastry myself.
"Find anything interesting, Esme?" she asked after she had taken a bite.
"I did. I found some books I don't have on architecture designs and layouts, as well as some on cooking. You?"
"Yes," she answered despite not having anything in her hand.
"Nothing worth taking home?" I challenged slightly not understanding her reactions.
"I haven't decided," she explained.
"I understand," I told her reassuringly.
She stared out at the bookstore seemingly enjoying her drink. "Did you ever study architecture, Esme?" she asked out of the blue.
"Once, yes. Alice convinced me, in fact."
Bella's eyes twinkled. "Yes, I can imagine that. Did you like it?"
I pondered. "Some. It was interesting to hear and to learn about some of the teacher's ideas and what's in the field, and I suppose I did learn some things, but it wasn't as exciting as I imagined it would be."
She looked puzzled. "How so?"
"Well, I've loved old buildings since I was young. When I was sixteen, in fact, Carlisle had brought to my hospital bed a book on history, which included buildings. I loved it, but my parents would have never agreed for me to do more studies after high school. I suppose I was lucky that I got to finish that at least. Where I grew up girls' options were restricted, and studying buildings wasn't a possibility. But that didn't stop me dreaming of being able to study it one day. Maybe I had built it up too much in my mind, because as much as I did enjoy it, it didn't meet my expectation. Nevertheless, I was glad for the experience."
She paused considering. "I suppose a lot is different here than from where you came from."
"Yes, a lot," I agreed. Things had changed a lot in the hundred years since I was her age.
"Maybe one day you could tell me more about that." She smiled at me.
"I'd like that," I let her know. "No one has ever asked that of me before."
She frowned. "I suppose not. Why would they? Do you suppose you could ever tell me of that alternative tale you mentioned?"
"I would be glad to share it with you. Last time, though, when I told it to the kids, the telling took four days."
She looked stunned. "Four days?" she asked in disbelief. "Wow. Man, that would take us like two weeks."
I smiled a little. "Yes, perhaps that long." I pondered. "I could cut out some things. I was quite detailed when I told it to them all."
She shook her head frowning. "Oh, no. I'd want all those details as well."
"Well, then." I grinned at her.
I switched plates so mine was empty and she could eat my pastry.
"Thanks, Esme," she suddenly said softly.
"Whatever for?" I asked confused.
"For everything. For being honest, for not treating me like I'm made of glass, for sharing so much of yourself, for taking me to a bookstore."
I smiled at her wondering why she felt she needed to thank for such basic things.
"You're welcome, Bella. I'd love to do more of this. You're great company."
She finished her drink and the second pastry in silence. Upon finishing she stood up, cleared the table, and turned to me. "I am going to go back to look some more."
"Sounds lovely, dear. I will as well. We shouldn't stay terribly longer, though. I don't want your father to be displeased at the hour in which I return you."
"An hour, then?" she bargained.
"Will eight be too late for him?" I checked.
"No, but I should call him after six and let him know. Before ten should be fine. It's Spring Break after all, and my shift doesn't begin until two."
"In that case, come find me in an hour. I'm going to look in the reserved book section to see if I can find a gift for Carlisle."
"Okay. I'll meet you over there," she agreed easily.
Nodding in agreement I headed off. Thus far, for most of our time, she had stayed in classical fiction, so I knew I could keep an eye and ear out for her. Unfortunately, she didn't return to the classics and I had to follow her. I found her in an area about Native American tribes and myths. I found a section nearby to peruse. When I heard her getting up, I made my way as quickly as humanly possible over to the rare book section.
"Find anything?" she greeted me.
"There are some fine books here, but the ones Carlisle does not have I would judge not to be of his liking."
"Oh well," she concluded.
"Indeed. Find anything?" I asked her.
"Yes." She held up three books.
"Is that all?" I pressed her.
Blood pinkened her cheeks.
I looked at her sternly. "Bella, this is my treat. Surely, you didn't come all this way for three measly books. Take every book in the store if you want."
She looked at her shoes. "I have my own money."
"I know," I affirmed. "You're a working girl. And that money is meant for your future. Please, Bella. Let me spoil you a little. You know Alice would have spent more on one dress than you will manage today."
She looked up at me mischievously. "That's true."
"Without a shadow of a doubt." I paused before I added, "I grew up a farmer's daughter, Bella. So, I understand your hesitancy some. I married into the Cullens. It was hard for me in the beginning. Just try to pretend the price doesn't exist and take what you want."
She huffed under her breath.
I took my books out of my basket and handed it to her. "Here. Try to fill it."
She raised her eyebrow at me.
"I said try. You don't have to succeed."
She chuckled. "Fine, I will try," she grumbled.
"That's all I'm asking."
In order to stay near her I went to the section about fishing remembering that her father appreciated that pastime and found a book on local fish and how to catch them. Then I went to the cooking section again and found a book on cooking fish. Pleased with my finds I went back to Bella.
"How are you managing?" I asked her.
"This is tougher than you make it sound," she told me disgruntled.
I touched her left shoulder. "I know it is. You're doing fine."
In fact, she had eight books.
She huffed, but went back to scanning the shelves.
I went down the aisle a little and when I found something I thought she might like I would hold it up and offer it to her. By six o'clock she had filled the basket two-thirds of the way, and we needed to head home. She carried my five books and I carried her basket. It didn't take long for our books to be rung up.
As soon as I stepped outside I caught the scent of another vampire on the wind, and placed my arm in front of her to stop her progress. We were blocking the entrance.
"Let's go back inside, Bella, please," I pleaded with her. "I need to call Alice."
Her eyes were big, but she didn't say anything, simply followed my orders.
A/N: Even though it's taken me an age to respond, please know that your thoughts and comments brightened my days.
