Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp

(Updated 4 Mar 18)


Chapter 13: Scars That Leave Marks


Naturally Alice and Jasper beat us. That girl had impeccable timing from the first day she had pranced into our lives.

"Twenty minutes, they got distracted," she informed us as we walked in.

We nodded and settled into one of the sofas to wait.

After a few minutes Jasper said slowly, "So, Rosalie mentioned to me that perhaps we as a family should discuss Bella being told about the Seattle coven."

"Yeah, she mentioned the same thing to me," Alice stated, and then without prompting added, "I don't like the idea of Bella living with the fear her knowing might cause, but I think Rosalie has a point about Bella possibly finding out from the wolves and that causing distrust, which would be worse." She grumbled at the end seemingly at war within herself on this topic.

"What about you, love?" Carlisle asked gently.

"We should tell Bella," I replied having already come to that conclusion adding, "I'll see her later today. I could do it, if that's what the family wanted."

"We'll wait for them to come back, but I suspect Rosalie got to us all and we're all in agreement," Carlisle stated reluctantly.

I couldn't help but smile. Rosalie was tenacious and cunning when she needed to be. I had not doubted that she would get everyone to see her way. I wondered if this side of her was usually hidden because of Edward. Given how he tended to see the world, he would have most likely seen her cunning as distrustful. He had a tendency of seeing things in terms of black and white more than anyone else in the family. Where Rosalie was simply appealing to each person in his or her own way to see her point, Edward could be a bull in a china closet. I chuckled remembering moments when Bella had first entered our lives causing Edward to soften and see more grey than ever before, while causing Rosalie to only see danger.

Feeling a tinge of sadness, thinking of Edward Jasper caught my eye and I remembered our conversation. I was needed here. Edward could be my priority when he returned. Till then …

Once Emmett and Rosalie came in, Rosalie not a hair out of place and Emmett looking like he rolled down a hill, and both had settled, Carlisle spoke. "So, Emmett do you have an opinion about us telling Bella about the newborns?"

"Tell her," he answered matter-of-factly. "She's a tough nut."

Smiling at him I could tell that he missed Bella.

"I was thinking some more about that, actually," Rosalie cut in, "and I was thinking that since she's so buddy buddy with the wolves that perhaps we should only tell her what we told the Quileutes."

"Agreed," Jasper added emphatically.

"I don't like it, but I'll agree," Alice said reluctantly and with ire.

"I'm down with that," Emmett added.

"That's reasonable," I said while smiling knowingly to Rosalie.

She was stoic as ever, but I watched her eyes twinkle in glee.

"Then we are agreed. Any objections to Esme telling Bella today when she sees her later this afternoon?"

No one objected.

"That agreed, let's move on. We need to tell the Denalis about Laurent," Carlisle stated authoritatively, but with sadness intertwined. "Thoughts?"

Everyone shook his or her head no.

"How did they even catch him?" I muttered voicing my thoughts on the matter, even though that hadn't been his question.

"Maybe that's why he joined James' coven," Jasper mused. "He must have known he was a bad fighter and clung to someone stronger than him."

We nodded as if that made sense, but Jasper's explanation didn't change the terror created from the reality that the wolves had actually ended someone we knew. Before Billy's report on Laurent the idea that the wolves could end someone had seemed impossible. Sure I had been fearful of getting hurt or someone in the family being harmed, but actually ended and burned had been inconceivable. Ignorantly, I realized, I had begun to think about them as guard dogs, not strong formidable creatures capable of ending us. No, that thought had never entered my mind. I shuddered at my thoughts, and it made me even more fearful of them.

"I just," I started to say and then stopped. "I can't," I started again my whole family looking at me. Taking a deep breath inhaling Carlisle's scent along with fragments of the four family members sitting in the room with me, I tried to organize my thoughts.

"It's okay, Esme, spit it out," encouraged Carlisle as he held me and I felt Jasper's faux calm and courage.

Sitting up a little straighter after a moment, I once more attempted to put into words my fears. "That first time I met the Quiluetes my body could not help but respond in fear. There were five of us and only three of them, but there was something menacing about them. If I could articulate my fear, it was that someone would get hurt. We could heal, but I didn't want to defend ourselves and take the risk. Carlisle, the first to gain control of himself, explained that we neither meant them harm nor the humans in the area. From that encounter a treaty was made. And over time Carlisle and Ephraim grew to have a strong respect for one another. My body often responded in fear around them, but since that first encounter I have not really considered them a mortal enemy. They can't climb trees, as far as I know we're faster than them, and as long as you avoid their mouths it would seem easy enough to just run away from them."

Shaking my head of these beliefs that had been destroyed in one sentence from Billy Black, Ephraim's descendant, I continued, "But what I had conjured to make myself feel safe, to believe that I could go and meet them without risk of death, Billy obliterated. And the tribe has new wolves. They are a young pack, and do not have the same wisdom or experience as Ephraim."

"The oldest tribal leader, Quil, is from the old pack, although he was the youngest of the three when we made the treaty," Carlisle reminded me.

"Yes, that's true," I conceded. "I can't fully articulate the terror that Billy's news brought me. If they could kill Laurent, then ..." I looked around unable to finish my thought. "How can we trust them to honour the treaty? What would stop them from ending someone I care about rather than just someone I know?" Suddenly I wanted to be that young naive sixteen year old again who had my first crush on a gorgeous doctor.

Carlisle looked at me until I turned to him, "Hope and faith my love. Ephraim's pack could have taken a bite out of one of us easier than this pack. They had perhaps decades, although Edward wasn't completely certain of the time frame, of them fighting and working together. The treaty from the very beginning was based on trusting a natural enemy, hoping them to be an honourable people, and faith that our words spoken were truth. Combine their natural instincts to hunt us with Jasper's intuition that Laurent was not a skilled fighter is not great odds. And I suspect that some of the success of ending Laurent was because there were five of them, along with some luck."

"I just ..." I started again and then realized perhaps this was a better conversation for just Carlisle and I.

"The thing is mom," Emmett began looking at Carlisle for confirmation that he could continue, which Carlisle gave, "we know the wolves. We've seen them, interacted with them. Your mind has had time to consider how to outwit them. The first time I met them my only thoughts were ripping them apart or running as fast as I could with Rosalie on my shoulder. There was nothing rational about that first encounter, except for Pop. In many ways his cool head with Edward's mind reading saved us from getting hurt or worse. We knew them to be honourable from the start, because Edward was sure of it. We don't fear them in the same way as a result, and we've known about them for over seventy years. Combined your suggestions sound really smart. But in that moment of facing them that first time, I don't think any of your ideas would have come to mind. It's also why we don't need to be fearful of them. Even if the treaty wasn't there, we know their abilities, perhaps even better than they do, since the pack is new. If nothing else, I'll protect you. Don't worry," he added with a big smile and a playful wink.

Looking around the room, I could tell that I hadn't been the only one concerned about Billy's news. The men in the room were concerned, but wanting to assure their wives that they could keep us safe. The love I felt for each of them expanded.

Jasper looked at me smiling. "May I share?" he asked shyly.

"Sure," I agreed pleased he would want to.

Then I felt the love I was feeling rebounding back to me. It was lovely, and I basked in it. This way of communicating to each of them with Jasper's help was wondrous.I concentrated on the ties that bound us and the love I felt for each of them while feeling what Jasper sent out boomerang back to me. No one said anything, us each simply enraptured in the moment.

After a while Jasper slowly removed the influence. It was like he took an in breath after he had exhaled.

Carlisle kissed me tenderly on the check, then turned towards Alice and Jasper. "Alice did you learn anything?"

"As you know my visions worked fine in 2002 when we met up with them, and everything from last night, after our decision to meet up with them, was blank. Seeing the wolves present appears to confirm your hypothesis that they are blocking my visions. Once there, I could see us going to field to train clearly, but everything in between was void. After they left the wall blocking my visions cleared, so I suspect there's some distance involved. Perhaps five hundred feet? I can't be sure, though."

"Two mysteries solved," Carlisle mused. "I will call the Denalis and tell them the news before the end of today. What remains is to figure out what's happening in Seattle. We can now assuredly say that Laurent is no longer involved in Seattle. He might have been before his death, there could be ties to Victoria, or something nothing to do with our family. It would seem then, that we have even more questions when it comes to Seattle then we did before. Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice please continue detailing your recognizance plan," Carlisle requested probably sensing that we all needed to talk about what we could do rather than Billy's news.

At one forty-five I rose to leave, even though they were still in discussion. "I agree that you need to go. I agree that you should only engage them if you must, and burn them far enough away that the others will not know your intentions. Please be careful," I said offering my thoughts before heading away.

"We will, Mom," they nearly all said in unison except Jasper who said, "yes, ma'am."

Leaving the house, I felt a weight upon me that I had never noticed prior. There had been the revelation at the meeting with the Quileutes, Carlisle's insistence of an offering, which put Rosalie and probably Emmett, since he was most likely to accompany her, at risk, my struggles with learning how to fight when we had been in the clearing, the possibility of nine newborns in Seattle, and Bella's recent cliff diving experience. Worse, none of it seemed to have an easy solution. Hope, love, and faith was the strongest tools we had, but they seemed insufficient. Consequently, for the second time I found myself praying, asking the creator that at sixteen I had believed in to keep us all safe.

It was over thirty minutes before Bella finally exited Newton's. From what I had overheard she seemed skilled at helping customers, which made me proud as punch. Thankfully, even though a couple of people had seen me sitting in the car reading, they had not come over to greet me.

My eyes lit up as I watched her surreptitiously. The pride I felt reminded me of Emmett's successes in culling his bloodlust, but somehow it was different in a way I could not name.

"I'm so sorry, Esme. I'm so sorry," Bella kept repeating as she got into my car.

After the eighth time, I turned to her. "Bella, it was no problem. See, I read my book," I raised it for her to see. "Don't apologise. You have no power over these things."

"That's true," she agreed reluctantly as if it made her weak in some way as she slunk into her seat and buckled.

"Any place calling your name?" I asked her as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"No, I don't really know Port Angeles well enough," she admitted.

"Then we shall find some place together," I assured her. Exiting Forks and accelerating to the speed limit I asked, "How was work?"

"Work. Fine. Good."

Smiling at her I hoped my look and silence encouraged her to continue talking.

"Mike's getting on my nerves," she grunted lowly after few minutes.

"Why's that dear?" I asked.

"The senior prom is coming up next month and he wants me to go with him," she stated as if this was repulsive. She was so different in this way in comparison to Alice or Rosalie, both of whom enjoyed formals and dancing. Perhaps the girls of this era were no longer into those kinds of events as they once were, or perhaps it was a quirk of Bella's. I had no way of really knowing.

"Do you want to go with him?" I checked.

"No!" she nearly shrieked.

"Do you want to go at all?" I wondered trying to understand her reactions.

"Not really," she stated as if going would be painful.

"Not really?" I questioned her.

"I went last year. It wouldn't be the same," she told me after many minutes had passed. Her tone had been so quiet and pained that it seemed that her admission was uncomfortable to her.

I easily remembered that night. Edward's first school dance with a girl he wanted to take. Her reluctance and pain made sense. It probably made her think of Edward.

"No, I suppose it wouldn't be," I agreed sadly. "Well, we could make other plans. Go to the theatre again, see an opera this time or a ballet."

Bella sat obviously thinking about it before she replied, "I would like that, Esme."

"Good. That's settled. Just ask your dad. Alice would come, naturally, unless you would rather she stay home," I told her excited about the prospect. Then I paused contemplating, "What about Rosalie? We could even, if you wanted, invite some of your school friends."

"I think Angela and Ben are planning on going to prom and I don't see Angela's parents allowing her to go to Canada, even if you were there."

I nodded trusting her judgement on these matters.

"Why would Rosalie want to come?" Bella asked reluctantly.

"Truth?" I asked her seriously.

"Yes," she answered assuredly.

"Rosalie is Rosalie. She will always be Rosalie, but …" I considered how much to say. "She has changed Bella. I told you these months since September have changed all of us. Rosalie is no exception. So, yes, I think Rosalie would like the chance to get to know you better."

Bella's eyes had gotten big and her heart was racing a little. "Really?" she asked shakily as if stunned in disbelief.

"Truth, Bella, I promise." I paused. When she said nothing more I continued. "They all miss you, actually. Emmett is more vocal about it, of course, but I know my husband well enough to say that he too misses you."

"Perhaps I could join you on a Cullen family camping trip," Bella said sarcastically.

I looked at her confused. "Please explain, Bella."

Her checks pinkened and she frowned. After a few moments of her looking out the window she finally spoke. "I'm just upset at myself, because I want to see Emmett and hang out at the house too. I miss it. And I want to have the chance to talk to Jasper, but last time I went to your house nearly crippled me." By the end her voice got that distant tone like she was no longer present and just going through the motions.

"The last time?" I asked even more confused by her choice of words. I would presume she meant her birthday party, but something in the way she said it made me question that assumption.

"After you all had left," she whispered her voice shaking. She took some deep breaths before she continued, "I went by to make sure the house was still there, that there was at least something I hadn't imagined. It existed, but it looked like a ghost house, everything covered in white dustsheets, and it made it worse, like I really had conjured you from my imagination. I almost didn't make it back to my truck and home."

I wasn't sure what was worse, what she said or the lifeless tone she said it in. Reaching out I grabbed her hand. "I'm so sorry dear."

Just ahead there was a turnout. I pulled over, stopped the car, came around to her side, and wrapped her in my arms.

"I must stop making you so upset when I take you places," I scolded softly.

As she entered my arms, the tears began to flow quickly down her face. Fortunately, the force of her grief wasn't as strong as it had been on the way to Seattle. She stayed in my embrace longer, however, as if she was afraid that if I left go she would lose me.

"Anytime you need my arms around you, just ask, Bella. I can come day or night. Your mother is far away and fathers, no matter how much they love us, are not the same. I want to be there for you. All you need to do is ask," I quietly spoke to her.

"I don't like asking for help," she admitted mumbling into my shirt.

"I don't really either. I prefer to help others than be helped," I confided in her.

She pulled back and looked into my eyes searching me.

"How do you do it then?" she questioned deep in thought.

I looked at her steadfastly. "It's very difficult. Just this last week Jasper came and gave me good advice without my asking, but it was hard to take. Then on top of that I had to go to him and ask for help."

"What with?" she asked shocked.

"I want to be a better fighter," I told her slowly. "Jasper is the best of us. I asked him to teach me. I want to be able to protect you or anyone else in my family, if I ever needed to. It was hard to admit I needed help and hard to take the help. Then it didn't go well. I hurt Emmett and a part of me wants to give up, but it would be worth the discomfort I experience, if it made a difference in protecting those I love. So, even though I'm reluctant and scared to hurt anyone, I will try again."

Bella looked down as if she was ashamed, which made no sense to me. I was the one who had admitted to failing at something. Wanting to make sure she heard me, I tried again coming at it a different way.

"Bella," I said to her gently and waited for her to look up at me. "None of us are good at everything. We all need each other. It's what makes us a family. Together we are stronger. And you, despite our past errors, are a part of our family."

"No, Esme." Bella was sad but certain.

It was if we were having two different conversations. I was completely lost.

"Can you tell me why you say that?" I asked trying to prod gently.

"I'm not a Cullen," she stated emphatically, as if that answered everything.

"You have burrowed yourself into our hearts. There's no going back now," I stated as strongly.

She looked up at me as if I had said the grass was blue. Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked to be in deep concentration. Eventually she looked down and asked, "Even though … "

It didn't matter what the end of the sentence was in Bella's mind, although I had some guesses. The answer was the same.

"Yes," I answered interrupting her, "even though."

"I don't understand," Bella finally spoke through tears after many long minutes her features resuming to their baffled appearance.

"We care about you, each in our own way," I told her lovingly, "Rosalie included. Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and I all consider you a part of our family. You could move in tomorrow if you wanted," I told her emphatically and then considered if Jasper would be able to handle her proximity on a continuous basis like that.

"Really Esme?" she argued back pushing me away then shut her mouth as if she was afraid to voice her thoughts.

"Whatever it is in that mind of yours, tell me; I can take it. It might even help things between us," I encouraged her.

She looked at me wearily and with a lot of doubt. Then with her chin on her chest told me, "You left and you didn't take me with you. If I really was family, then you would have taken me with you." By the time she got to the end of her sentence, she was sobbing so hard that I could barely understand her.

Moving slowly towards her, I pulled her into my arms. "Oh my sweet girl," I told her quietly over and over.

When she had calmed enough, I backed away from her slightly so that I could look into her face. "Bella, that might be true from a human perspective, but you have to understand what we've gone through and the years we've been on this earth. From our perspective, you living your human life to its fullest potential was an expression of how much we care about you and how much we wanted the best for you. For you to experience what we are not able is a gift we wanted to give you."

The look on her face made it seem like I was from outer space.

Collecting my thoughts, I tried to explain it another way. "Imagine it like a young mother who sees herself as inadequate, and so leaves her baby to the care of others that she sees as more capable. In that moment, it would be an expression of her deep love and care for her infant."

Bella's eyes grew larger, so I hoped that she was beginning to understand what I was attempting to convey.

"Our family didn't argue about whether we wanted to leave you as much as we argued about what we each thought was best for you. That comes from our care for you, not a lack. I've been on this earth for over a hundred years. Please, Bella, you have to understand that from my perspective it's hard not to see you as too young to make an informed decision. And it's hard for me not to be overly motherly of you. All that I can say is that I'm trying."

Her eyes had narrowed and long minutes passed before she spoke again. "You left because you loved me and thought that was what was best for me?" she asked her tone cutting.

Certainly, that was the case for Edward and Carlisle when the vote to leave Forks had been discussed. My disagreement with Edward's conclusions had been what had started the conflict between Carlisle and I after all. However, this was not the time or place to argue with her overgeneralization. Hopefully in the future I could make the nuance in our family clearer to her.

Before I could even say anything, though, she stood abruptly, moving past me, and started to pace in front of the car.

I stayed crouched allowing her the space she seemed to require.

"What a bunch of arrogant, self-conceded … I'm been taking care of myself … it's not like I'm an infant … they love me … they left because they thought that was best for me … but he said … no, even if that's true … he said he didn't want to pretend …" she muttered under her breath. Suddenly she stopped and glared at me. "Did you get tired of playing human?" she snapped at me.

Confusion was apparent on my features as I told her, "No, Bella, I enjoy being a part of the human world. And I have enjoyed being able to mother you. Doing so has filled a piece of me that I didn't even know I needed."

She looked at me critically.

"Please understand, Bella, my infant child died and my children in this life, although I mother them, are grown and do not need mothering and being looked after like you do. You have helped heal a part of me, but you have a flesh and blood mother and father who love you," I tried to explain.

Her features softened, so I continued. "Just today listening to you help customers made me so proud of you. You're growing up and changing. We can change, but it's so hard for us. For you it's as natural as breathing. It is pleasurable to watch you grow into the strong, kind, helpful, determined young woman I can begin to see emerge, and I am so proud of you."

She looked stunned and then moisture filled her eyes. "It must be hard to have lost a child and to wake up without the opportunity to have that again, to have that choice taken away," she mused her tone soft.

How that was her conclusion after my confession was baffling, but I felt it necessary to clarify her misconception. "I took that choice away from myself when I flung myself off that cliff," I correct her gently.

Her eyes widened. "And I …" she uttered jarringly. Throwing herself at me she blubbered, "Oh I'm so sorry."

Rubbing her back I repeated soothingly, "It's all right, Bella." When she calmed some I added softly, "I got Carlisle out of the bargain, so for me it was worth it. No life is perfect, Bella. I wonder if you see our outward lure and assume that our insides are just as flawless. I can promise that couldn't be further from the truth. We are all flawed creatures trying to do our best."

She nodded, and withdrew seemingly needing space, but her eyes indicated that her thoughts were far away. When they focused back on me she spoke softly. "I'm not a burden?" she asked her voice desperate.

Drawing near to her once more I put my hands on her arms. "Try Bella to see the world from my era, from my point of view. I've lived a long time. Even though each member of the family saw things differently and argued from a different angle, we spoke what we thought was best for you." Bar Emmett, who voted in support of Edward, and Jasper, who voted strategically, but, again, that was a conversation for another time when she knew us better, and could understand the complexity inherited in those votes.

"But no one asked me!" she roared and then collapsed into my arms under the weight of the expression of the emotion.

Rubbing her back once more I held her tight. "I know, and we're sorry about that. Do you remember me telling you that in my time a woman was not addressed when there was a man in the room to speak for her? Her father and then her husband guarded her." Pausing I waited for her to acknowledge me. When she did I continued, "even though I'm a woman and fairly liberal for my era, some things are hard to change. We spoke on your behalf, assuming what we thought was best for you. It is actually even more complicated than that, but in the end, that's what it boils down to."

"It's just that I've never felt like I fit in anywhere. I raised my mother and don't know my father well. I love them and they love me, but in your house, I felt like I belonged. And you took that away from me when you left," she admitted into my shirt while tears soaked it.

"Oh Bella," I lamented hearing the pain her admission brought. After some time I told her, "Thank you for being honest with me. I did not know that was the case. I am so sorry that we hurt you so deeply. We do care for you like family, Bella, even if it might not look like it from where you stand."

Saying nothing more, she took in a few deep breaths and seemed to be attempting to calm herself.

"We'd like the chance to show you," I told her.

"If I could manage the house without hyperventilating," she deadpanned still speaking into my shirt.

"There's always Jasper to help," I answered slyly.

"Yes, of course, there's always Jasper," she replied sarcastically but with a playfulness in her tone this time.

I pulled back and looked at her.

"Better?"

She nodded as she wiped away her tears and took calming breaths. "Yes, thank you Esme."

"Even though it was hard to say, was it worth it to tell me the truth?" I asked hoping she could take a lesson from this.

She smiled as if she knew what I was attempting to do. "Yes, it helped."

"And expressing your anger to me? Did that help?"

She paused reflecting. "Yes, Esme," she replied blood filling her cheeks, "it helped. I am sorry that I yelled at you though."

"That's okay. Like I said, I can take it. I'm glad you yelled, and it would be okay if you did again. You have a right to be upset. We hurt you; even if that was not our intention, it was the result. And I am sorry Bella for the pain we have caused you. I can't take it back, but I can learn from it. Please always speak your truth to me. Hiding your true feeling means that I never get to know your true self. And I want to get to know you, warts and all."

She tucked her bottom lip up in between her teeth for many long minutes. "I hurt Charlie with what I told him in order to run away from James. I was trying to protect him; nevertheless, I hurt him."

I smiled at her connection hoping her admission meant she was beginning to see things from my perspective.

"He forgave me, you know. Sure, I was in trouble when I got back, but he didn't love me less."

"He seems to care about you very deeply, Bella, even if he doesn't show it well," I agreed with her conclusions.

She nodded in agreement.

After a few minutes of silence, hoping to lighten the mood some, I asked, "Any other revelations before we get back into the car?"

She shook her head no, but held onto my hand, so I didn't move waiting.

Eventually she muttered softly, "Thank you, Esme for forcing me to talk about this. It isn't fun, and it hurts like hell, but each time it seems to help a little. I suspect the pain will never fully leave, but it helps."

Kissing her forehead I told her seriously, "Some wounds leave scars that can never fade completely, but talking is part of the healing process. For that, you are very welcome," I told her choosing to ignore her admission about never fully healing. I suspected that had to do with Edward still being away. She was most connected with him and he had hurt her the deepest, so her conclusions made sense, especially if her and Edward had the potential to become mated. "Ready to get back on the road?" I checked.

"Yup," she agreed kissing me on the cheek and moving back into her seat.

Closing her door, I got into the driver's seat musing about her confession. It seemed like she had been as connected to us, if not more, than we had been to her. The potential implication was something to ask Jasper about later.

Once we were safely travelling on the road again, I asked her lightly with a teasing note to my voice, "So, house, camping, or avoiding the family? Do you have a preference?"

"House, but I'll probably need Jasper and Carlisle as back up just in case," she grumbled irritatingly.

"Deal. When?" I replied as if she had been completely serious.

"You're really going to put my feet to the fire?" she grumbled but with less resistance this time.

"Strike when the iron is hot and all that," I teased.

"Fine," she grumbled without any ire. "I'm not working next Friday, on the 13th. I could come over after school."

"Want to plan to spend the night?" I asked hopeful that she was being serious.

"Where would I sleep?" she asked like a mouse cornered by a cat.

"Well, umm, truth?" I asked concerned on how she would take my answer.

"Yes?" she asked unsure.

"I kind of already made up the plans to remodel the house slightly to make you a room," I told her with a slight slowness in order to monitor her as the words left my mouth.

Keeping my eyes on the road and my hands at ten and two the whole time I had spoken, I watched her secretly out of the corner of my eye in order to capture her expressions closely, and then waited silently for her response.

As the seconds passed, her face grew more and more red and she appeared somewhere between mortified, astonished, and in a state of denial. When she did speak she sputtered, "You … you … you … what?"

"See, when we were in Ithaca I was missing you," I tired to explain, "and I was working on the house there, and I did the drawings with a bedroom for you. And then when you said you'd like us to come back, and we decided we would, I couldn't help do the same in this house, even though I know you live with Charlie and wouldn't want to come live with us," I justified working hard not to speed up my speech too fast.

"You … you …. redesigned your house to give me a room because you missed me?" she sounded like what I had said was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

"Um, yes?" I answered hesitantly.

"Oh, Esme," she sighed and then threw herself at me and hugged my side.

I smiled. "Bella, dear, could you please sit down and buckle up again? I don't like the risk if we were to crash. I wouldn't hear the end of it."

She giggled. "Oops."

"That's okay. It's partially my fault. I should have reminded you once we started driving again."

"That's just the most," she paused. When she spoke again it was full of emotion. "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me?" I questioned, and then added to clarify my confusion, "I haven't done it yet."

"Just the thought is … wow."

"You're welcome?" I asked still confused.

"What floor were you thinking it would it be on?" she enquired hesitantly.

"Second," I answered confidently. I was certain she wouldn't be able to manage going to the third floor, if she barely could manage the house.

My mind was off on how to make my drawings come to life.

"Second?" she murmured.

"If you're agreeable, you could pick out your colours today, and I could have it ready before you came on Friday. Then if you were to sleep over, you could have your own space and not feel like you're intruding into ours."

"It's too much," she protested.

"I cherish you. It is my expression of what you mean to me," I explained assuredly.

We were just coming into the beginnings of Port Angeles and although part of my mind was reviewing possible options of where to take Bella, another part noticed that she was being unusually quiet, even for her. I looked over at her. She looked nearly completely still, except that she was blinking rapidly, which with her being human appeared like there was something terribly wrong with her. Quickly I found a place to park, turned off the car, unbuckled, and turned towards her putting my left hand on her left arm.

"Bella? You okay?" I asked concern coating my words.

She just stared forward like I wasn't there.

Withdrawing my left hand, I pulled out my phone from my pocket, and rung Carlisle.

Carlisle's phone connected before it even made a tone. I had to wonder if Alice had warned him that I was ringing him. If so, Alice had probably told Carlisle the reason for my call.

"Yes, Esme," Carlisle answered, sounding quite concerned, the sound of his car in the background.

My eyes hadn't left Bella's.

"Something's wrong with Bella. I don't know what to do," I told him trying not to go to pieces. Bella needed me after all.

My panic subsided a little as Carlisle's voice come over the phone. "Okay. Tell me the symptoms," he instructed.

Him forcing me to focus on these details and assist him in a diagnosis was relieving and brought me a little joy, despite the circumstances. How often since I had gotten over my newborn bloodlust had I needed him like this?

"She's very still, staring straight ahead and blinking rapidly, she's breathing rather shallow and quickly for her, her heart rate is elevated, and when I touched her and called her name she didn't respond," I told him.

"How's her temperature?" he asked in his doctor tone.

"Um …" I mumbled unsure how to answer that.

"Compare the degree of her warmth right now to how she was when you first touched her today," he directed me briskly.

Despite the unusual tone he had taken, I did as he requested and then told him, "Her temperature is lower, but not by much, maybe a degree and a half."

"That's good to know," he told me.

Him saying so was a great relief. He had mended Bella before. The assurance that he would do so again soothed me, and my panic began to dissipate.

"Did anything happen before this?" he asked.

"Not that I could tell," I replied.

"What were you talking about?" he questioned.

"That I had been thinking about making a room for her in our house, so that if she would ever be comfortable enough to come over to visit us, that we would have a room for her to spend the night, and that if she wanted, we could look at colours today while we're together. She said it was too much. Then I told her that I cared for her and that the room was my expression of how much she means to me," I reported to him hoping this would give him the information he needed.

"Darling, I think she went into shock," he told me.

"Okay …" I had no idea what that was. "What can I do to help her?" I asked.

"Do you have any blankets in the car?" he questioned.

"No, Carlisle," I answered irritated, "I don't."

He was thinking like a doctor and forgetting some basic stuff like vampires don't need blankets and therefore don't have them in cars. I realized too late that he must be quite upset.

"Right, of course," he said after a few seconds sounded briefly flustered with his English accent quite pronounced.

Usually those types of moments would have tickled me, but not this time. Bella's state prevented me from feeling anything but concern.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," I told him apologetically. "I didn't mean to talk to you in such a way."

"Nor did I intend the manner I spoke to you previous. Easily forgivable when we're both struggling with something new."

"Of course you're right," I told him.

"Use your jacket or anything else you have to cover her up. Does the car have heated seats?" he asked me obviously trying to find an alternative.

I looked. There was a button on the side console that indicated that might be the case. "Yes, I believe so."

"Turn that on a low setting, put your coat over her and the heat of the car on medium. Did she bring a bag or anything?"

"Not that I saw," I told him.

"Do you have anything in the car from your last trip for her?"

"Let me check." I turned to Bella. "Bella, I'm just going to go open the trunk of the car and look for something for a minute. Be right back." I got out and checked the trunk. No luck. Then I opened the back door and found a half-full water bottle. "I found some water," I told him.

"She'll need that when she comes to, so keep it. Just sit by her, keep talking. I'm close. Where are you parked?"

I gave him the directions.

"I'll be there soon."

"Be safe, love."

"Always."

Hanging up I put the phone on the dash and turned back to Bella unable to reconcile my words, Bella's reaction, and Carlisle's diagnosis that she was in shock, whatever that was.

"Hey, darling. I guess you get to see Carlisle after all," I told her hoping that she would find my words soothing.

She had yet to tell me if she even wanted to see Carlisle, although in our discussions she hadn't said anything to express an overt objection. Her reactions had been to the house rather than to seeing us, so hopefully that meant something. Even though I needed his help, I hated the idea that she would be upset at me for calling him. Looking at her closely, it was as if she had shut down and was no longer present, so I wasn't sure if her non-response to me meant much. I hoped she wouldn't mind and wouldn't be upset to see him.

"Carlisle's on his way," I told her soothingly. "I had to ask for help again. I really am no doctor."

Hoping that my talking might aid her in some way, I stated slowly and softly whatever came to mind that I thought she might want to hear.

"I know how to make food for fundraisers and be a doctor's wife, but that's not really the same as being a doctor. It's been so long since I have needed to care for a human that none of it has remained. Of course, I kept the basics of how to cook and I seem to do all right. No one has gotten sick, at least, through the years. Wouldn't that be the talk of the town–doctor's wife poisoned people at fundraiser. Good golly. No pressure, right?

"It's not that I mind being a doctor's wife. Carlisle is a doctor and I am his wife, but initially it was a challenge to adjust to. Back in the day being a doctor's wife was a full-time job if you had no kids, and a part-time one if you did. There were fundraisers for this or that, banquets to organize, and formal dinners to attend. I was a farming girl. What did I know about table etiquette and proper attire? Poor Carlisle made up some illness that I had in those early years claiming I couldn't do much organizing, but if they had some task I could do at home, I would do those. I wrote a lot of cards, addressed a lot of envelopes, and cooked a lot of food. For better or worse, those skills aren't much use anymore, as Doctor's wives haven't done most of those things in the last few decades."

Even though I wanted to tell her more about those years, particularly since I promised her, I also didn't want to do it when she had no acknowledgement of my words. So, I decided to change the topic.

"I hope that what I said didn't upset you, Bella. I care deeply for you. I don't know how to open up my heart halfway. And when I care about someone I express that by taking care of the person. My other kids and husband are self-sufficient physically. It's one of the things that brings me such joy in having you around. With you I get to express my affection to you in ways that they don't need. I just wanted to make you feel welcome and wanted. I don't know other ways of showing you how much you mean to me than taking you places, making you food, and giving you a room.

"Sometimes the kids complain that my doting is too much, but they always seem to appreciate it. Right now, everyone has a bedroom, Carlisle has an office, Jasper has a library, Alice has a workroom, I have an art space, Emmett has a space for his games, and Rosalie has the garage. In each of the houses I try to incorporate the light and the build of the original house. So, in every house the space that I give to each person is different, even though the function is nearly the same, and Rosalie's garage is nearly exactly the same everywhere.

Not sure what else to say on that topic, I changed it once more. "I finished those paintings of Carlisle I was telling you about and I started working on a new project. I haven't been this inspired to paint in many years," I paused considering how long it really had been, "perhaps in over five decades. All of a sudden, since I got that tale, I can't seem to stop the impotence to paint. I'm not complaining mind you, it's just –"

The passenger door opened.

"What speed were you driving at, Carlisle Cullen?" I chided him my mouth agape to see him already.

I was also slightly embarrassed that I hadn't taken note of his approach. What if it had been someone with ill intent? I had to remember in the future not to get so lost in the moment.

"Top speed," he answered nonplussed.

I shook my head indulgently. It wasn't like him to push the vehicles in such a way, but obviously, he had been in a hurry, and for good reason if the look on his face was any indication.

"Esme, would you go into the convenience shop across the street and get a sugar packet, which should be found near the coffee station, some soda, and some food with salt in it, please," he instructed.

"Anything you need," I let him know.

Grabbing my bag, I went searching for the items he asked for.

"Bella," I heard him say, "I need to lay you down some. I'm going to unbuckle you and recline the chair as much as possible. Esme went to get you some things to eat and drink."

As fast as I could humanly go, I got the items he had requested and returned. Bella looked better. He had turned her to her side facing the centre console and was rubbing her back. I got into the driver's seat and put her hands inside mine.

"Come back to us, darling. You're okay. You're safe. We want you." Then I just repeated that over and over slowly like a mantra. Gradually she seemed to come out of her state.

"You want me?" were the first words out of her mouth.

"Yes, unequivocally," I answered her.

She closed her eyes. "I must be dreaming," she breathed to herself. "That's not possible. They left. I must be dreaming," she repeated multiple times nearly silently to herself.

Looking over to Carlisle he appeared as uncertain and confused as I felt.

I turned back to her. "Truth, Bella," I said attempting to assure her. "I didn't want to leave. I've wanted you to be my daughter from the first time we met. Simply by your presence you irrevocably changed the household. You brought such wonderful things, and you reminded me so much of who I used to be, of the person I was before Charles took me apart piece by piece. In my heart, you became a part of me, but I believed that you weren't mine to keep. You were Charlie's and Renée's. You had parents who loved you, who would miss you. I lost my child. I could never wish that on someone else. Thus, I didn't believe it right to steal you from them. I'm so sorry Bella. Talk to me, please. Tell me what's wrong." I spoke softly into her ear wanting to ensure that anybody passing by wouldn't overhear us.

She blinked rapidly.

"You would have taken me with you?" she asked disbelieving.

"Without a shadow of a doubt, my darling girl. If that had been the right thing to do, I wouldn't have blinked. I would take you now. It would devastate Charlie, though. I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't do that to him. You're his flesh and blood daughter, Bella. Who am I to steal you away?"

"You want me?" she asked in the same tone.

"Unequivocally," I repeated adding more force to my words.

Her whole body shook as if rejecting my words. Finally, she muttered under her breath, "But he said …"

Carlisle looked the most aggrieved I had seen in a long time. "Bella, you must believe me when I say that he did not speak for all of us."

Bella winced and grabbed at her chest like I had seen her do before.

"She responds like that to any reference to Edward," I told Carlisle in our subhuman murmur.

Carlisle's eyes met mine, but continued speaking to Bella at a human pace without pause. "I have no idea what he said to you."

She flinched once more and Carlisle's eyebrows came together in thought.

"I can only tell you my truth," I jumped in. "I didn't agree with us leaving; I left anyway; I wished I hadn't; I wanted to take you with us, but didn't; I wanted to say goodbye, but didn't. There are so many ways in which I acted in what I thought was best for the family and what was best for you, while also against what I wanted to do, but never, not once did I not hold you in my heart, want you, or miss you. Words will never convey how wrong I was or how sorry I am."

Her shaking had calmed somewhat and her breathing and heart rate seemed more like her regular tempo, but she was staring out into space again.

"I owe you the greatest of apologies, Bella," Carlisle began his tone deeper than usual remorseful and sad. "I hope one day you will give me a chance to tell you more fully how sorry I am. I cannot change the past and my horrendous mistakes to you or to Esme, but I can swear to you that Esme speaks the truth. You are wanted. And we are here for you no matter what." Carlisle used the same soft quiet pitch as I had.

"Even though …" she asked as her breathing hitched.

"No matter what," was his firm answer a little louder than before.

She began to turn slightly to her right so that she was on her back. She looked back and forth between us.

"I must be dreaming. This is too much like a dream come true. First Edward and then Carlisle and Esme. I must really be losing it," she said to herself under her breath.

I looked at Carlisle who had his doctor calculating look.

"Bella, have you seen Edward since September?" he asked with our persuasive almost hypnotic tone staring into her eyes.

Her pupils dilated and a fake drug-induced smile crossed her face.


A/N: Once more I changed the chapter significantly enough that any writing errors are mine.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this chapter and the story generally.