Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 9 Mar 18)
Chapter 14: The Cost of Lies
Despite my attempts, I could not recall ever seeing Carlisle hypnotize a human like he had Bella. Given his strong opinions in opposition to us using our predatory tools against humans combined with the protective mother part of me, what he was doing alarmed and upset me. I trusted Carlisle to take care of Bella, yet I didn't know what to make of his behaviour. Looking at Carlisle sternly resulted in no reaction, as his total concentration was on her. A part of me wanted to protect Bella from what he was doing, and another part of me knew I could trust Carlisle implicitly.
"Oh, yes," Bella nodded her tone flat and detached. "Anytime I did something dangerous he would show up and tell me not to do it."
How had Edward shown up? He had been tracking Victoria. Her response made no sense.
Rather than be confused Carlisle asked in that same hypnotic tone, "Was he solid like me and Esme or could you see through him?"
She paused before responding the same monotone way. "He was mostly see-through, and he only showed up sometimes. He was there when I talked with those bikers in Port Angeles, and when I rode the motorcycle with Jake, and when I saw Laurent. He hasn't come back since, but Alice has and Esme has. That's almost good enough."
"Bella, I need you to compare when you saw Edward verses seeing Esme or Alice, and tell me the differences you noticed. Were Esme and Alice see-through?" he asked his voice half-way doctor and half-way hypnotic.
She thought staring into space. "Um, no."
Whatever they were talking about made no sense to me, although Carlisle seemed to be following her fine enough.
"Did Esme send you a letter? Something you could smell and see and touch?" he asked mostly in his doctor's tone.
"Yes …" she said slowly and reluctantly.
"Where are you?" he questioned his tone completely in doctor mode.
"In Esme's new car that Rosalie recommended," she said by rote.
"That's right," he encouraged. "What day is it?" he asked continuing to sound like he was completely in doctor mode.
Looking at him confused, I wondered what the date had to do with anything.
"Saturday the 7th," Bella replied as if she was expecting his question. Then strangely she looked at him like she wasn't sure how he got there. Then she met my eyes searching for reassurance.
"What do you last remember?" Carlisle asked Bella.
She looked back at him. "Um … I gave Esme a hug?" she answered searching me. I nodded in agreement. "And thanked her for wanting to give me some space in your house. She asked me to get buckled up. I apologized. She told me that she wouldn't live it down if something happened to me." She paused. "Um … I'm not sure after that." She watched Carlisle her features apologetic.
"Anything else?" he checked.
She focused on me. "Then you were here asking me about Esme sending me a letter?"
"You're not sure?" he verified.
"It's a little foggy," she admitted blushing. "I think that's what happened next. It's just that doesn't make sense. So, I'm a little confused."
He looked at me.
"You're right," I told her softly hoping to comfort her. "We were talking and you got re-buckled in your seatbelt. I told you that I cared about you and then you froze. I was so worried that I called Carlisle, who told me what to do, and I sat with you talking to you until he arrived. I got you some stuff in case. Carlisle said you might need it. I have some water, a soda, a bag of chips, and a snack bar labelled Nature Valley."
She looked at me and then back at Carlisle. "Soda please?"
"Sure," I told her grabbing it. After opening the top, I handed it to her.
With Carlisle's help she sat herself up a little, and then began to drink it. After a few minutes, she looked at Carlisle hesitantly. "Hi, Carlisle," she mumbled and her eyes dropped to the bottle. "Long time no see."
"Hi, Bella. How have you been?" he asked concerned, but attempting to sound neutral.
"Not so bad. You?" she asked conversationally.
He smiled sadly. "Not so great, honestly. My wife forced me into a sabbatical, I've moved my family across the country twice in less than six months, and am deeply worried about you."
She frowned. "I'm fine," she said through clenched teeth. "No need to worry," she insisted.
"Your file grew while I was away," Carlisle said softly.
"Humph," was all she uttered while she shrugged keeping her eyes on the dash.
"Are you feeling any better?" he asked in his doctor tone.
"Sure, sure. I'm fine."
His smile was grim. "Could you choose another adjective, please?" he asked in a tone that was almost seductive intended to fool humans.
She rolled her eyes. "I'm worse than I was last summer, but better than before you returned." Her eyes jumped up to his and she glared at him defiantly.
"Much better," he told her. "Thank you for your honesty. Since you were honest, may I please get in the car and tell you something?"
She nodded in agreement, but her eyes grew and she showed all the signs of fear.
"Watch yourself," Carlisle warned her right before he closed the car door.
Then he opened the back-passenger door and climbed in, bringing his medical bag into the car first. He slid in so that he was behind the middle console. We turned to face him. Bella's back was against the dash and her legs in the seat. I grabbed Bella's hand, which seemed warmer than normal, hoping to comfort her.
Her ability to act in the midst or despite her fear was impressive.
"Bella, I owe you the greatest of apologies," he told her once her body had calmed some.
"Carlisle stop," Bella interrupted. "Look Esme apologized, Alice apologized. I'll tell you what I told them. I get it. You did what you thought was best for your family. Esme explained that you decided that you guys were wrong to leave Forks and so came back."
"Please, Bella," Carlisle stated firmly giving her no room to disagree.
She crossed her arms defiantly reminding me of Rosalie.
Carlisle watched her carefully schooling his features, but his eyes twinkled. His voice was firm and gentle. "No matter what Esme or Alice have said, it is important that I say this, because I am the leader of our family. I am not a dictator and I always listen to what everyone has to say, but in the end my vote decides what the family does. Every decision ends with me. I am responsible for the family moving, leaving Forks, and leaving you."
She winced slightly and then glared at him. "Then you're also responsible for coming back," she argued interrupting him again.
He successfully contained any reaction. "That had more to do with my wise wife shaking some sense into me, but yes, I suppose that's true," he agreed keeping a close eye on her.
"I swear you Cullens like to wear the world on your shoulders," she stated emphatically and in an exasperated tone staring at him. Speaking each word slowly and then between each word pausing, as if punctuating each one, she told him, "You made a mistake." Her tone was nearly as if she thought Carlisle dunce.
This whip of a human girl was putting him in his place saying what I had been trying to get through to him, which was hilarious in my book. I successfully kept my features neutral, but Carlisle's eyes took me in and appeared like he wanted to frown at my enjoyment in watching them interact.
Bella took in a breath and her tone softened some, but she continued emphatically. "It's a part of living. You live and learn. You learned from your mistake, and from the apology you started, it sounds like you have no intention of doing it again." There was sadness there in her features and then fierce determination. When she spoke again her ire was clear. "You are not God," she punctuated each word clear with a full stop after each one. Then she continued in a similar manner. "You are not infallible." She breathed heavily outward as if her words had exhausted her. She looked at him directly a slight smile on her face. She looked so accepting and caring as she told him, "It's okay. I get it. I make mistakes too. Esme's been helping me do better with mine. I forgive you. It's okay," she spoke in a whisper by the end. Then her voice took in a hard tone once more, although there was no volume. "Can we just move on?"
Carlisle looked at me with a lost look in his eyes.
I just looked back giving nothing away enjoying watching my husband learn along with the rest of us.
"Are you sure, Bella?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes," she answered firmly. "No more apologies." She took her right hand out from across her chest and placed it on his, which were near the console. "I don't need more apologies. I'm good."
"All right." He looked at me uncertainly and then his features shifted into the ones he gets when he is the leader of our family. "Esme was going to talk to you about something on behalf of the family, but since I'm here anyway, if it's okay with you Esme, I'd like to tell her."
"Sure, that's fine with me," I told him.
Bella looked back and forth between us. Then she scowled at Carlisle her heartbeat increasing some.
Lowering his voice to a human whisper he told her, "Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper went to Seattle Thursday during the day to see if they could find out what was causing the trouble there."
She winced. Her heart rate increased even more and adrenaline entered her system. I cracked my window slightly and mouthed "Sorry" to her. She nodded in understanding. Carlisle searched her to see if she was okay and took an unusually deep breath.
"They found a coven living together in an abandoned building. Jasper guessed that there were up to nine, and he believes they are young."
"Nine," she breathed out solemnly. She shook her head. "I don't understand. I thought your family was large and most groups are only in ones or twos."
"Yes," he answered. "It is odd. We don't understand it much ourselves." Carlisle paused obviously evaluating Bella.
"I'm fine," she uttered firmly, "please continue."
He gave her one more once over and took a deep breath. Knowing Carlisle, I bet he was cataloguing her physical responses with those breaths he was taking.
"Alice joined them today to try to get more information. When we decided that they would go, she saw that the group had moved. They are going to spend the day seeing if they can find their new hideout. Alice is fairly confident that they will."
"And then?" she asked breathlessly.
"Then, they will hide and watch to see what's happening. They will return tomorrow."
"Alice?" she squeaked.
"Can take care of herself," he assured her firmly. "I wouldn't have let them go if I had concerns. You know how quickly they took care of James. No harm will come to them."
She nodded, but her eyes looked vacant.
"Excuse me," she muttered before she turned, opened the door, and vomited onto the street.
Once she had brought herself back up and closed the door, he grabbed a handkerchief, one I had given him in the first decade of our marriage, and handed it to her looking at her very concerned.
She took it, turned it over examining it, and then used it to wipe her mouth. Then she reached for the coke and took some swigs.
"So?" Bella uttered her tone making no sense to me.
"Please, Bella, talk to us," I pleaded with her.
After taking some deep breaths and some more gulps she looked at both of us sternly. "So, let me get this right. It's possible that there are up to nine non-vegetarians living in Seattle as one group, and you sent Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper to find them in order to report back?" Her tone was scathing.
"Yes," he stated decisively. Carlisle's face was firm and calm, but his eyes were worried. After a moment he told her, "Jasper is well trained for this kind of thing, and Alice will see anything coming. They are a formidable team. There's no need to worry."
"Right," she retorted sarcastically. She looked at me. "Esme was saying something about Jasper training her."
"What do you know about Jasper?" he hedged.
"Um, that he's an empath, that he struggles the most with being vegetarian, and that he came from a different background and family than you guys."
"All true," he confirmed his worry over her clear in his tone. "He is, well, was, a soldier. It's his story to tell. Needless to say, however, he is very well trained, the best of all of us by far. And they have Emmett one of the strongest vampires I have ever come across outside of Volterra."
She smiled in longing, but she seemed calmer.
"Obviously, these are not things we can talk about over the phone, otherwise we would have told you sooner. Know that we have no intention of keeping you in the dark."
"Do I get a vote?" she asked cautiously.
We both looked at her our mouths hanging open slightly shocked at her question.
She was as bold as Rosalie for sure.
Immediately she looked between us sheepishly. After a moment, she told us sounding embarrassment, "Well, before when you moved, you asked about my opinions on things. Esme told me I got a vote. And it would seem that some of my requests were included in the final decisions."
"Yes, that's true," he agreed his tone indicating that he was waiting for her to explain herself fully.
"So, do I get a vote about this?" she pressed him.
"I don't know," he sputtered. "I took in account your requests about moving, because that was directly about you."
"And things going on in Seattle aren't?" she asked seething looking offended.
Her ability to talk in code despite being upset impressed me.
He looked at me for help.
I wasn't giving him any.
"You don't fully understand what you're asking," Carlisle told Bella trying to convince her solely with a look that she shouldn't have a vote as diplomatically as he could.
"Fine," she retorted. "Explain it to me." She crossed her arms once more taking her hand off of his and waited.
He eyed her carefully and took in another deep breath before he spoke. "There are hours of strategy and small decisions about what way to go about things and what to do in different situations. It took over five days before we were agreed about the first time they went to Seattle and two days for the trip happening today. You have school and homework, work, not to mention your dad, and sleep."
"I see," she replied and I could see the gears in her brain turning. "So, what about Alice?" she challenged him.
I schooled my features insuring that the grin wanting to escape didn't. Bella would make a great Cullen. I had always known that, but watching her interact with Carlisle in this way made it seemed like she was already one.
"She follows most of it from her visions and then gets the rest when she gets home," he told her his eyes betraying just a hint of worry of where she was heading with this. Good thing he had years of Rosalie, Alice, and Edward behind him.
"And you?" she challenged.
"Are filled in when I get home," he replied.
Her eyes watered. "I see," she said sadly. "You think I'll slow your process down."
He frowned and looked upset. "No," he refuted. "That's not what I said at all."
"Then why can't I be filled in?" she pressed him looking sad.
"It's not that you can't," he said assuring her. "It's that I thought it would be unfair to you, since you already have so many other responsibilities. Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie have nothing filling their day except this. They have the time."
"So, it's fair to ask me if I want you to come back, but unfair to ask me if I want you to fight a coven of nine?" Her tone was scathing, despite it being at a low volume.
He paused in thought. "All right, Bella. If I were to grant you a vote, how would you manage it?"
Her body appeared more buoyant even though she was still scowling. "Well, Alice can fill me in after school about the last days' stuff and tell me what you're voting on and then relay my vote. If I don't understand or feel like I don't have enough information to make an informed decision, I'll abstain," she told him and then deepened her crossed arms like this was completely obvious.
I worked to keep my features neutral rather than laughing at my husband.
"And work?" he pressed her, although I could tell that a part of him wanted to give in.
"On the days I work, she can sneak in after I've had dinner with my father and explain it all until I go to sleep," Bella answered matter-of-factly.
He shook his head. "You are a dangerous woman, Miss Swan. You remind me of a Miss Platt I had the pleasure to meet. And Rosalie, if I think about it." He smiled. "All right, Bella, I will agree to take your suggestion and request back with me. I will need at least a few days to consider things."
"Sure, I understand," she said, but she looked like she had received the best gift ever.
"I'll send Esme or Alice to talk to you, if we are agreed for you to have a vote. Otherwise, we'll call to let you know the answer was no."
She nodded pleased with herself.
"In the meantime, there's something else for you to consider, and you need to think about this seriously."
She looked at him with wide eyes and a scowl.
"We have a treaty with the Quileutes. By asking for this, you are asking to vote as if you are a family member, which would place you as a Cullen in the treaty. That means that you can't talk to any of the Quileutes about what you know and learn. Everything for our family goes through me to Billy Black. He is their representative. I am ours."
"Oh," she stated and her mouth seemed stuck in that position.
"Any questions?" he asked a few minutes later.
"Could I still go to La Push?" she asked sadly.
"Yes, technically, although I would have heavy reservations about you doing so, mostly because I'm concerned that they might try to pressure you into talking about things that you cannot say."
"But if they say stuff I can tell you?" she wondered.
"I wouldn't ask you to be a spy. That would go against the spirit of the treaty." Carlisle frowned deeply obviously upset about her suggestion.
Bella sat in thought. Eventually she told us, "I see. Can I think about it?"
"I think that's wise, Bella," he agreed.
"I can see why now you said that you didn't think it would be fair to me," she admitted.
His features relaxed. "I'm glad. I truly am not trying to keep secrets from you, Bella. My simple and genuine wish to see you become well again."
"That's fine and I get it. You're a doctor." Suddenly her calm features once more took on a defiant look. "But don't treat me like I'm made of glass or as if I were an infant."
"Fair enough," he agreed gently, although I could see that the strength of her statement surprised him.
Her words and tone confused me. Clearly, though, they meant a great deal to her.
She eyed him carefully for many long minutes before she turned and looked at me appearing exhausted.
"Are you ready for some tea or coffee now?" I asked her gently.
"A coffee shop at least," she replied sounding tired.
I looked at Carlisle.
"That's my cue to leave," he told us both. He turned to her, "Good seeing you, Bella. I hope to see you again soon, but under better circumstances."
"Maybe Friday," she muttered angrily.
He looked at me, but didn't ask any questions. "That sounds good," he told her obviously confused about her tone.
He leaned in, kissed me on the cheek, and got out of the car mouthing I love you as he went. "Be safe," he told me as he closed the door.
"Please be mindful of the roads as you drive home," I told him as he walked away.
"Yes, dear," he replied as he got into his vehicle.
"Will he?" Bella asked once the car was moving.
"Will he what?" I asked her confused by her question.
"Will he be mindful driving home?"
Three dozen blocks behind us I found the coffee shop and parked as I answered, "Yes, he will because I asked. He usually obeys the traffic laws, but he was worried about you and so pushed the car to get here."
As she got out of the car carefully and lost in thought she asked, "He was worried?"
Coming over to her, I put my arm around her shoulder and together we walked to the shop. "He worries about you."
"Because he's a doctor," she stated in resignation.
I stopped and turned her towards me speaking slowly. "No, Bella, because he cares about you."
"But, but, but," she stuttered.
I waited watching her features shift from confusion into sadness. Eventually I prodded her, "But what?"
"But Edward has been with him the longest. But he's always friendly and kind. But he's not warm and inviting like you Esme. But," she added and then said nothing more as she looked down at her feet.
"Bella," I warned her, "look at me."
Slowly her head came up looking chastised with a fire of defiance in her eyes.
"Truth now, Bella, and I need you to listen well, because you're not going to like what I have to say."
She nodded, but her body language said that she didn't believe me and was angry that I had used my motherly tone on her.
This was the hard part about being a mother, speaking the truth, even when my children didn't want to hear it, but saying it in a way that they would receive the lesson they needed.
"The truth is that you do not know us very well. You cannot possibly expect to understand everything about my husband after such a short period of time when I don't always fully understand him. We are complex complicated creatures and it is arrogant of you to think you understand my husband's sentiments towards you when you have never asked him."
All the fight went out of her, her lips quivered, she brought it under her teeth, and she looked down. "Sorry, Esme," she mumbled.
Hugging her I assured her, "That's all right. We are all learning."
Releasing her we walked into the café, and I asked her, "So you still willing to go colour shopping with me after?"
Her feet shifted oddly. "Yes, Esme. I'll do that. I don't want anything fancy." By the end of her reply she seemed to be almost pleading with me.
"Bed? Desk? Lamp? Small dresser for a few pyjamas and change of clothes?" I checked.
"Bed no larger than a double. A small room," she emphasized, "simple."
"That's not a problem, Bella," I confirmed.
"In that case, I'll go with you," she agreed with a heavy sigh.
"Wonderful," I replied pleased.
We sat down and, like at the café in Seattle, I ordered as well and then when she was done, switched her empty plate for my full one.
"How have you been?" I asked her gently when she seemed more settled in.
"Fine," she answered bashfully her cheeks filling slightly with blood.
With a slight smile on my face I told her, "Now, see, if you hadn't just had a poor reaction to me telling you that I made a room for you, I might believe you. Try again," I urged her.
She huffed and eyed me. "Things are okay, Esme, truly. I'm passing my classes, working, you know all the stuff."
"What about college?" I pressed.
"Yes, mom," she whined, "I'm applying to colleges." Then her cheeks were so filled with blood the capillaries looked like they would almost burst.
Taking her hand in mine, I patted it gently. "Good," I stated although I wanted to press her more about it, I didn't, as her embarrassment seemed intense. Maybe there would be an opportunity to next time. "How are things with Jake?" I asked instead.
"We're okay," she said with relief and disappointment. "Back to our regular, but we aren't seeing each other as much as before he got sick."
Smiling at her sly way of saying he became a shapeshifter, I pressed her, "No more dangerous things since cliff diving?"
She frowned. "Honestly, I haven't felt the need to do anything like that since."
"I'm glad to hear that," I told her earnestly.
She paused like she wanted to say something more and I waited for her to gather her thoughts and courage.
Looking down at the table, she began, "I had an epiphany of sorts as I fell into the water."
Touching her hand, I told her, "I had something similar when I did the same."
She smiled sadly at me with a look of understanding that only can be shared between two people who have gone through something similar enough circumstances to recognise themselves in the other.
"I had no desire to die," she insisted vehemently, even though she was speaking under her breath. "Since the fallout from my birthday, I felt either excruciating pain or dull numbness. The first time I did something dangerous allowed me to feel something other than those two options. With that new feeling, I dared to hope that one day I could carve out enough pretence at normalcy to stop my father from worrying.
"I'm glad you're back, really Esme, but laying on the beach puking up water I realized that your return isn't some magical cure. I had wanted to feel alive again, like I had that first time. It was dumb and I nearly lost my life over it, but it changed me somehow. As the water came closer and closer I realised that he was right. I need to live my life. I might never move on completely, but I also can't allow his distractions to stop me from mine." By the last sentence her tone was cutting and harsh, something that seemed out of place.
Looking at her tenderly, I said nothing fearing that any words at all might stop this outpouring and although much of what she said puzzled or confused me, I refused to ask.
She took in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "I love him. Whether that love is returned or not is a moot point. I gave my heart away, and I can't change that now, but I can choose how I face today and then tomorrow. I'm going to make my father proud and show him that his faith in me wasn't undeserved. Just please, Esme, I'm begging, don't leave without saying goodbye. I don't' think I can live through that twice."
"Anything you need," I answered after a moment's pause to collect myself. I had no intention of leaving her, but anything else that came to mind sounded trite.
We spent the next hour with her chatting about inconsequential things, but it seemed like what she needed. Then we went to the hardware store and checked out colours with her sharing what had happened to Charlie's friend Harry as well as how her mother was doing.
"How are you feeling about Carlisle's news?" I asked softly once we were in the car heading back to Forks.
"Terrified," she admitted, and then added, "but I'm also glad he told me."
Nodding I watched her out of the corner of my eye. "It was Rosalie's idea."
Her mouth dropped open and she spluttered, "Rosalie?"
"Yes, she convinced everyone that you had a right to know," I informed her. "She believed you tough enough to handle it."
"Huh," was all she said, and I let it go.
The rest of our trip was made in silence, as she seemed lost in thought.
When we arrived at Newton's for her to collect her truck, she turned to me and asked, "Why would Rosalie advocate for me?"
"That's a great question. Perhaps you can ask her next time," I encouraged her. "We're all complicated creatures, Bella, but Rosalie is particularly so, and she's changing."
"Yeah, you keep telling me that," she grumbled.
Smiling I told her, "You don't have to take my word for it."
"Uh-huh," she muttered. "Is this your sneaky way to get me to come over?"
My smile increased. "No sneakiness at all. You know I want you to come over."
She frowned. "Soon," she agreed reluctantly.
"Whenever you're ready, Bella," I stated firmly. "It's not like we're getting any older."
She chuckled. "Wow, Esme, three jokes since your return. You're getting to be quite the Emmett."
Smiling at her, I told her, as she opened the door and exited the car, "Drive safe."
She didn't reply, appearing lost in thought as she walked to her car and drove away.
It wasn't much longer, after I returned to the house, that the kids returned from Seattle. They reported that they had found the house, but not the maker. This time they had followed the group into Seattle and with the help of Alice found two of them playing with cars and brutally murdering the car's occupants.
"That neighbourhood doesn't have CCTV, and Alice checked for other alternative exposures," Jasper reported clearly agitated, "but if a human had seen, recorded it, or anything like that, it's just too much risk! They are the worst kind of newborns. On top of them not being taught properly, with human advancement in technology, the risk is higher that some human bystander will acquire proof of our existence. If their maker was watching for that, then that would be one thing, but they are completely unsupervised. My hacking skills and Alice's gift only goes so far," he grunted out.
Carlisle nodded for him to continue.
"We ended the two that were causing the destruction we witnessed and spent the whole night cleaning up the mess staging it and fixing things so that it looked like a more human event. Since our decision to follow was last minute, Rosalie and Alice had wear stolen police clothes to distract the few humans that wondered by. Then we came home. We can't have a repeat of events like that."
The conversation then continued with each of them giving details. Needless to say, even though they had covered up what the newborns had done, doing so had increased their risk and the risk to the family. It was a bad situation and Jasper was unnerved. The one thing everyone had agreed on was to run perimeter checks in pairs around the clock.
Over the next week things with Bella were uneventful. The house, however, was full of planning, strategies, and construction. Jasper had buried himself in information acquisition. Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice, with minimal input from Jasper, began the preparation and story work necessary to open up a car repair shop within the neutral territory. And I roped everyone when he or she was available into my project.
One day when Carlisle and I were out hunting I asked him, "How did the conversation with the Denalis go?"
"I ended up speaking to Eleazar as, according to him, when I called Tanya wasn't home, because she and Kate had dragged Irina into town and they were looking to distract her with their brand of entertainment." He frowned but continued. "He was sympathetic to the situation and understood the Quileutes' lack of knowledge of what Laurent meant to Irina, and thus our family. He said that he would explain everything to the girls. I haven't heard from them since, but I would suspect that Irina would not take the news as well as Eleazar."
I nodded figuring that their family needed time to digest the information. We had needed time, and we hadn't know Laurent as well as they had.
"Did you get through to Edward this week?" I asked hoping for good news.
"No, he still hasn't answered. It must be powered off, because it goes straight to voicemail," he told me sadly.
"Alice says he is holed up somewhere in Brazil. Perhaps he simply hadn't had the chance to charge it," I told him my hope apparent.
"Perhaps," he assured me, but there was no strength in it.
"Carlisle," I whispered softly.
He looked up at me with deep sadness and a look communicating that he already knew my question.
"Is it normal for humans to see apparitions like Bella described?" I asked slowly watching Carlisle become even more upset.
"No," he answered he voice full of despair. "That type of symptom usually signals a significant mental illness."
Gasping I begged him by my look to fix this.
"The only good news in her story was that her visions of Edward have stopped since we returned," he told me.
"Why would she only see him when she was doing something dangerous?" I wondered.
"My best guess would be that, since he had saved her from danger before, it was situations where her mind was having him return to once more keep her safe, but I can't really say for sure," he explained.
"This isn't good, is it?" I questioned.
"No, it's really not," he replied.
Evaluating my husband, he appeared lost in thought again. He seemed to be more contemplative than usual since he had come and assisted me with Bella last weekend. Her room was almost complete. Alice and I were especially excited to see what she had thought of it. On an even better note, a few days ago Bella had told Alice that she would visit Friday after school. The whole house was excited to have her over, some more nervous than others, but my poor husband had been almost melancholy.
"Talk to me Carlisle," I urged him.
He looked up at me heavily.
"My whole life I have set out to heal others and to live compassionately," he began, pausing almost as if the rest of the words were stuck within him.
Going over to him I took his hands, the dead deer carcass he had just finished sitting beside us still slightly warm. I looked into his eyes, watching him struggle, and waited.
He looked over to the deer and back at me. "I know when I bit the four of you I took your human life, but I also hoped that giving you life as a vampire would make up for the loss. Rosalie and Edward have struggled with our nature and way of living, but overall I still believe it was a decent bargain. But seeing Bella like that," he stopped himself and after a few seconds continued, "seeing the pain I caused," he stopped and then started again, "the damage I did from my decision …" He locked eyes on me and after a long thirty seconds asked, "How could you forgive me? How can she?"
He appeared so old, so weighted down.
His confession burdened me. His pain was my pain. At the same time, his confession liberated me. My snarling at him in Ithaca had been a reasonable emotional reaction given the stimuli. Yet, we had moved past it. Hadn't we?
With everything swimming within me, it took me a long time to find the words I needed to say. "Because Carlisle I see the good intention. Because I know you would never cause harm on purpose. Because you are allowed to make mistakes. You have forgiven mine. How many lives did you forgive in those first years? Are you no less deserving of forgiveness than I? You, at least, have no one's death on your hands."
"No, just a broken girl," he uttered despondently.
"Bella said that you are forgiven," I reminded him, "and we are helping her heal. She will recover."
"Will she?" he asked doubtfully.
"Yes," I replied with certainty and then added, "Maybe not fully without Edward, but enough. Did what she say not indicate that our return has helped her?"
He looked down ashamed. "Is it enough that I am here now with you despite my past follies?"
"Yes, Carlisle," I stated emphatically and with some irritation. "Why are you holding onto this?"
He looked up. "Honestly, Esme, I'm not. It just seems like about the time I move through one aspect, a new one is revealed to me. Before seeing Bella like that, I could not have imagined that a human could become so attached to us to cause that kind of reaction. They usually flee from us, or lust after us, or are jealous of us, but love us, and to have bonded with us in such a short period of time? No, that was not something I could have predicted. And my lack of being able to conceive of that possibility cost you so much."
"Perhaps it is because she is meant to be ours just like I was meant for this life?" I questioned hopeful that it was true.
He certainly would be able to see the hope in my eyes. "Perhaps. Without Edward here, she may not choose us at all. And the damage is done."
Whatever driving thought had caused his response I didn't like it. "Carlisle! I need you to hear me," I told him sternly.
That got his attention.
"Yes, us leaving without saying goodbye hurt her," I agreed with him, "but I believe it was whatever Edward told her upon his leaving that caused the most damage. She has now said more than one thing to suggest that Edward lied to her. You never lied to me. You never enquiring upon me was hurtful, and, yes, I was never the same after our introduction to one another. I had given my heart to you. But you never lied. He did. I don't know what lies he told, but whatever he said rocked that poor girl. You didn't do that. We played our part in damaging her. That much is true. We are not without reproach, but do not take on his mistakes and make them yours. He is his own person and you are not responsible for whatever crimes he has committed."
"Not even a little?" he teased softly gazing at me.
"No. Not even a little," I told him emphatically.
He nodded. "I know that. I do. Thank you for the reminder. So, how are we going to help make her well?"
"By doting on her, wanting her, making those things clear to her, and feeding her." I chuckled at what Charlotte or even Kate might say about us attempting to fatten a human up.
"Don't forget roping everyone in to moving walls and redesigning the second floor," he teased.
"No, we can't forget that." I pouted teasing him back. "Especially as I rearranged the use of the rooms on the third floor as well."
"Or that. At least my office didn't change," he smiled at my joy before he added, "except," his face growing solemn.
"Except," I agreed.
He held my cheeks in his hands and kissed me.
"He will come home." After a heavy pause he continued, "You are a wondrous creature, Esme," he purred letting go the sadness we both shared in being one son short. "Let's bury our food and get home so that you may finish your project."
I kissed him deeply before pulling back and telling him with everything within me, "I love you, Dr. Cullen."
"And I you, Miss Platt."
When we got home the kids were busy finishing up the construction on the rooms that weren't Bella's, and were getting close to having the decoration finishing touches complete in Bella's room. A few hours later Alice went off to school, and Carlisle went off to work.
A little after noon, Bella's room nearly complete, Rosalie asked, "Do you think she'll ever use it?"
"I hope so, Rose," I replied. "It might take a little bit, but I think she will. For now, it's the act of making her space. My hope is that it speaks deeply to her."
"We all feel regretful," Jasper muttered quietly.
"This is our way, the Cullen way, of showing her that we are including her, that we are sorry, and that we have learned from our mistakes. I just hope she understands," I pondered.
"Maybe," Rosalie grumbled.
"She will," Jasper said assuredly.
We all paused in our tasks and looked at him.
He looked at us hesitantly as if he was unsure if he should speak what was on his mind. Finally, he said, "Bella has always seen and accepted us as we are. Her feelings are pure. She's not like most humans who smile kindly while their feelings are those of loathing. I have no doubt that she will comprehend the message even if she doesn't know the full intent as we mean it."
"She's a smart cookie," Emmett agreed.
I mouthed "Thank you" at Jasper turning back to finish up assembling her bed.
The bed I had purchased was a double sized white four-poster, which I was next going to put silver decals on. I had also gotten her a small white armoire with space for hanging items and drawers for pyjamas and other items. She also had a small white bedside table with a silver mock-1920s chandelier lamp. I had also found a white hide away desk in which I had placed a laptop and school supplies. To finish the bed off I had gotten a plum bedspread. The walls were painted a light blush pink with the baseboards white. The floor was wooden with a silver area rug, and I even found some silver butterfly throw pillows that went really well.
Attached to the room was a small bathroom with tub and shower. I did the bathroom in blues. The tiles were white with different shades of blue. The shower curtain was an egg white with hints of blue flecks, and all the towels were cobalt blue.
I had gone to the effort of sound proofing and adding extra insulation surrounding her areas in the hopes that there would be some sound barriers around her as well as warmth. The rest of the second floor still had a lot of work to do, particularly my art area and Carlisle's and my bedroom, but we didn't mind. Mostly I just hoped Bella liked what we had done and it helped her feel at home.
Much of my time I spent working on the finishing touches trying to make sure there was nothing remaining to accomplish before she arrived. As the hour grew nearer of when she was meant to visit, it seemed that my nervousness grew. When I heard the Jeep coming up the drive, I couldn't help myself but come to meet her too fast to be considered a human pace. Opening the door, as the girls got out of the vehicle, I watched Bella manage out of the Jeep without assistance, a sense of accomplishment flashing across her face before she looked up.
"Welcome, Bella," I greeted her.
"Hey, Esme," she muttered standing next to the Jeep her eyes wide frozen.
Better with my speed, I slowly walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her hugging her.
"Thank you for coming to my home, Bella. It means a lot to me that you're here."
"You're welcome, Esme," she eventually mumbled into my shirt.
After a bit longer I asked, "Ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," was her response.
Releasing her from my embrace and wrapping my arm around her shoulder I told her, "Come in."
She smiled nervously.
Alice had already gone inside, I was certain, to inspect the last touches.
By the time Bella and I had entered, Alice was standing next to Jasper holding his hand at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hello, Bella," Jasper offered.
"Hey, Jasper," Bella replied with a slight smile. "How have you been?"
He looked puzzled as he told her, "I enjoyed my semester of college the most that I ever have thanks to you."
Bella raised her eyebrow and looked at me for confirmation her features conveying confusion.
"You changed how I saw my classes Bella. Everything looked different, so I enjoyed them more," Jasper explained in a slow southern drawl.
I suspect his tone indicated his tenseness.
"Glad to help, Jasper," Bella said tentatively.
"Are you hungry, dear?" I asked her.
"A little," she replied.
"Carlisle recommended a light snack. I bought some fruit and cheese. Will that do?"
She smiled kindly. "Yes, Esme, that would be great."
"Well, you three catch up and I'll bring it out to you," I told her.
"Okay," Bella agreed, but the nervousness in her voice was there.
Moving towards the kitchen, I heard Bella ask Alice, "Where'd the piano go?"
"We put in storage," Alice explained.
"Why?" Bella asked confused.
"It was better for everyone to not have it here for now," Alice said sadly.
"That makes sense," I heard Bella reply softly her sadness clear.
"How about you, Bella? How have you been?" Jasper asked.
"Fi–" she started and then stopped abruptly. "Um, not great, but getting better. Thank you for asking."
"You're welcome," he replied cordially, although there was a touch of concern in his tone.
They moved into the living room.
"Bella?" I heard Jasper start hesitantly.
I was almost done, but thought I should give them some space.
"Yes, Jasper?" Bella asked clearly uncertain as to why Jasper wished to speak to her.
Without preamble, he told her with utmost sincerity, "I'm really sorry about your birthday."
After a few seconds of silence Bella spoke softly and gently. "It's okay Jasper. There's nothing to forgive. It really wasn't your fault anyway. I mean you have your own bloodlust and then everyone else's on top of that, not to mention that I was Edward's singer, which I'm sure was no picnic for you. I think you're amazing for resisting like you do. I understand. It could happen to anyone in your position. It was my own fault for cutting myself, anyway."
Alice and Jasper had stopped moving.
"Um, Bella? Why do you say that about his and everyone else's bloodlust?" Alice asked slowly.
"Well, I just assumed, since he's an empath and bloodlust is a physical reaction, that he would feel his own and everyone else's as well," she explained nonchalantly.
I came in carrying a plate full of different fruits and cheeses, and placed it in front of Bella.
"Always made sense to me when Carlisle suspected as much. We tested it over the years, but usually I can handle it," Jasper said so low that I wasn't sure Bella would be able to hear him.
Bella stood up in a way that appeared deliberate and thoughtful, and came over to him slowly watching him carefully measuring her steps until her hand was on his arm.
Jasper simply watched her wearily as if she was the predator, and he was the prey.
"It's okay Jasper," she said with tenderness. "What happened after wasn't your fault. You had your family here to help you. I admit you did scare me, but in the end, you didn't slip. I healed. There was nothing to forgive. I admire your strength."
He looked at her hand and then up at her.
"Thank you, Bella. That's more than I deserve."
"No," she said firmly. "It's exactly what you deserve for being the honourable, kind, courageous vampire," she smiled slyly, "that you are."
He simply nodded at her.
Standing up fully, she put her hand on her hip and looked at him sternly. "Were you planning on trying again?" she asked.
Alice looked shocked and I was as well, but Jasper had a snigger he was trying to contain.
"No, ma'am. Delicious as you smell, I think my wife might just disown me if I did such a thing," he drawled grinning.
"Well, there are you. Can't be killing your wife's best friend, now can you?" she asked her tone full of mirth.
"No, ma'am. Forever is a long time for my wife to be mad at me. Can't be havin' that."
Bella rubbed her chest her eyes unfocused, and Jasper's face was creased in pain.
"No, can't be having that," she muttered grievously after a few minutes of silence, as she turned and went back to her seat.
As she did Jasper shook his head back and forth and murmured something to Alice.
"Here you go, Bella," I said as I offered her the plate.
"Thanks, Esme," she said, but there was deep sadness in her words.
"Of course," I told her lightly. "So, do you girls have any homework?" I asked as a change of topic seemed needed.
"Yes," Bella replied in a strange tone like she wasn't actually here.
"Do you want to work on it now? Your options would be here in the living room, at the dining room table, or in your room," I let her know.
Her heart picked up and she looked nervous. "Did you really finish my room?"
"I had lots of help," I answered.
"Can I at least see it?" she asked apprehensively.
"It is your room," I encouraged her.
Alice grabbed Bella's hand and practically dragged her up the stairs.
"Carlisle's office is still there, " I heard Alice say. "Esme's and Carlisle's bedroom is now there, and Esme's art space is there."
She stopped outside of Bella's room. Everyone was right behind her, as Rosalie and Emmett had joined us from their room.
"Open it," Alice commanded.
Bella bit her bottom lip and took as step forward. Reluctantly she turned the handle on the door. The door opened slowly, but she didn't move. Bella stood frozen, not terribly dissimilar to when she had gone into shock in the car, looking into the room with her mouth open.
"Do you like it?" Alice asked excitingly bouncing enthusiastically at a human speed.
There was no response.
"Did you kill her?" Emmett asked Alice seriously in our fast murmur with a hint of teasing.
Alice shook her head. I could tell that she desperately wanted to search the future. She looked longingly at Jasper. He shook his head. Then Alice calmed, probably because Jasper sent her some emotion to help her. In the meantime, I counted the beats of Bella's heart hoping that she would awaken from her frozen state soon. Hopefully the room would please her and she would understand the message the space conveyed. The cost she was paying for the lies told to her was high. So, although I wanted to, I didn't dare hope that this evidence of our truth would help in her healing process.
A/N: I hope you're still enjoying the story. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
