Much of the characterization of Esme in her telling was inspired by Miki In Blue Jeans' story Faith & Love here on FF

Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp

(Updated 19 Mar 18)


Chapter 16: As Promised


Keeping my eyes on making breakfast, I asked Carlisle in our subhuman murmur, "Is she okay?"

Bella didn't look well. She looked better than when she had frozen in the car, which wasn't saying much. She appeared as if she was somewhere lost in her head with little to no awareness of being present with us in the kitchen. I'd seen vampires behave similarly when in shock, but never a human. It was disconcerting.

"I don't know," Carlisle responded in the same tone. "She should come out of it on her own. I trust that whatever Jasper picked up with his gift influenced what he said, and that he meant well. He keeps his distance, but clearly he cares for her."

"I've never heard him confront her about Phoenix before," I told him thinking out loud.

"Neither have I," he agreed.

"None of us have said anything to her about Phoenix," I added pondering what that might mean.

"It seemed a moot point before," he told me.

"Perhaps Jasper thinks otherwise for some reason. Either way, I suppose he really is including her as family if he's willing to speak his mind like that," I proposed.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "He would usually say nothing. He must care more than it shows."

"He is the least demonstrative about his feelings than all of our sons," I added thoughtfully.

"Ironic given his gift, but yes I would agree," Carlisle concurred.

We dropped the conversation as I had finished making breakfast.

"Bella," Carlisle began, waiting for her to look up at him. When she did he continued, "I'd like for us to sit in the living room and for me to tell you my history. I know that you were told some of it."

She nodded in confirmation, although she still didn't look like she was entirely present.

"I thought perhaps we could start with you telling me what you know," Carlisle offered, "and then I'll fill in the gaps."

By rote, with her breakfast in hand, Bella got down, walked into the living room, and sat in the armchair that seemed to be her preference.

Carlisle and I settled into a sofa sitting next to each other holding hands.

"Do you want to talk about your conversation with Jasper first?" I asked hesitantly, as we usually didn't get involved in the conversations between others.

After some time she seemed to come back from wherever she had gone and looked down embarrassed.

We looked at her and waited for her to speak.

"It really was stupid of me to go to the studio alone wasn't it?" she asked in a detached, but somehow meaningful way.

"Yes," Carlisle answered speaking tenderly. After a pause he explained his voice more firm, "From my perspective, it seemed like you didn't trust us to keep you safe. I, particularly, didn't appreciate your actions. As the leader of the family, I had risked a lot to keep you alive and the way you offered yourself up to him seemed to fly in the face of that."

Her eyes grew big as she looked at him. "I, I, I," she sputtered.

"Please explain, Bella," I pushed her. "Despite their difficulty, these are helpful conversations."

She nodded clearly upset and then took in a breath. "She is my mother, you know," she started her voice shaking. "I didn't want to lose her, and I didn't want to risk anyone else. It's not like I wanted to die, but if I was going to, then offering my life for hers seemed like a reasonable exchange."

I gasped and stilled in shock.

Carlisle looked downtrodden and infuriated, a combination I could not easily recall having seen on him.

When I looked over at Bella she appeared afraid.

Her admission had my mind spinning, and I could not find words to comfort her.

"You're not in trouble," Carlisle told her through his teeth seeming to have collected himself only somewhat.

She looked like she was going to cry again.

Carlisle calmed himself some more and then told her, "Bella do you understand that it is very difficult to kill us and very easy to kill you?"

She nodded her eyes wide.

"I appreciate that you see us as who we are, not what we are, but I need you to explain to me how you believed that someone like James would have let you mother go. If he had her, she was as good as dead, and you going to him willingly only played into his hand."

Tears started rolling down her face. "I just, I just, I thought," she blubbered.

"You trusted the threats of a stranger more than the assurances of Alice and Jasper," Carlisle said sternly.

Her eyes popped open and her mouth opened into an o. "I didn't mean, that's not what it was like," she stuttered.

"Maybe," he offered gently, "but that is how we see it, especially Jasper. He takes the tasks assigned to him seriously. He was given a job, and he failed at it, because he trusted you. You deceived to him purposefully." Pausing for a moment Bella said nothing, so he continued. "We said nothing and covered it up to protect the family and because you were so hurt that I had hoped that you had learned your lesson," he explained. "But Jasper's admonishment makes it sound to me like you haven't. We trust you with our lives, as you trust us with yours. You trust us to not kill you, while we trust you to keep our secret."

"I would never tell," she exclaimed.

"Yes," he said softly. "I believe you, but my point is: how are we to trust you with our lives if you are not honest, and you do not trust us?"

She looked down rebuked. After a long wait, while she pecked at her food she stated, "I haven't lied and I would never tell. I'm afraid and," then she started crying hard, "it's all my fault."

Carlisle and I looked at each other confused. How in heaven could that be?

Getting up, I went over to Bella, removed the plate, held my breath, and pulled her into my arms.

When she calmed down I pulled back from her and softly asked, "How is this your fault?"

Sniffling she told me, "If I hadn't have moved to Forks, then none of this would have happened." She clenched her muscles as if preparing for an assault and then said between tears, "He warned me over and over again to stay away, to let my curiosity go, that he wasn't good for me, and that he was dangerous, but I pushed and pushed until I found out. It was my fault you all were at risk, and I wanted to fix it."

Carlisle came over and squatted next to me. I moved so that we each held onto one of her hands.

"You are not at fault for being curious, for the Quiluete youth breaking the treaty, for almost dying in a car crash, for being attacked in Port Angeles, for our family's choice to bring you to the baseball game, or for getting a paper cut. The only part you are responsible for is your choices in the midst of those events. Edward asking you to let it go and not be curious was as fair as asking me to not help someone hurt on the side of the road. We are who we are. Choosing to offer yourself to James, as noble and self-sacrificing as it might have been, also sent a message to Jasper, who had been assigned with the task of keeping you safe, and me, who had risked a war with a coven to protect you," Carlisle told her sternly.

Her eyes grew larger and her tears increased, but she said nothing.

Softening he added his tone still serious, "Yes, your presence has made our lives more complicated, but if we didn't think you were worth it, we could have handed you over to James, allowed Jasper to kill you, killed you in your sleep, or given you a brain injury that would have caused you to lose your memory."

She looked at him in surprise.

"Many of those things we did not do because of how we value human life, but you're a smart girl. You must know that we know how to cover our tracks and leave no witnesses or evidence. The fact that we left Forks with you intact shows our trust in you. Do you trust us?"

With huge eyes, her heart pumping fast, and probably fear filling the air, if I dared to breathe, she nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you trust then, that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie will come back?" he asked in his fatherly tone that he rarely used.

She sagged and started crying again. Through her tears and hickuped speaking I believed she said, "I'm not worth it."

How I knew that feeling so well. It was a feeling that Charles had beat into me. It had taken Carlisle years to help me. She was eighteen and, by all accounts, had not had a boyfriend previous to Edward. Had she lied to him?

Carlisle looked calculating and asked, "Did you experience abuse when you lived with your mother?"

Bella's crying stopped suddenly as she looked at Carlisle. "No," she said in a whisper.

"You've never been hit?" he pressed.

"No," she answered softly looking down to her lap.

"Touched inappropriately?" he pushed.

"Edward barely dared touch me," she answered angrily, but her tone was so quiet it sounded more heartbroken than anything.

"No one else?" he continued on.

She shook her head. "I wasn't ever pretty enough or good enough to attract a man's attention. And Edward only noticed me because of my blood."

She took her hand from Carlisle putting it on her chest, squeezing her shirt tightly, and pulling her legs in.

Carlisle and I exchanged a worried look.

"Were you ever punished too severely?" he pressured.

"No, Carlisle, I haven't ever been abused," she replied breathlessly. "My father I saw rarely, and my mother is my best friend. She can't cook to save her life and forgets to pay the bills, but they love me."

"But you were responsible for her? Paid the bills? Made the food?" he insisted.

"Yes," she said so softly as if one more word would break her.

I gave Carlisle a warning look. I had just gotten her into the house. Between Jasper and him I was fearful we would scare her off.

"One day," Carlisle said gently, "I hope that you will tell us your past, as we've promised to tell you ours. But I can promise you that we would not be here with you offering you a place in our family if you weren't worth it."

After long minutes she whispered, "Jasper said the same thing in Phoenix; he told me I was worth it."

Given this conversation and what I had witnessed between them before he had left for Seattle, I was not surprised, but I had to wonder what Jasper had picked up. It seemed likely that her feelings between these two moments were correlated in some way.

"You are," I insisted to her. "To me you're worth it."

She uncurled herself somewhat and looked back and forth between Carlisle and I. She took in deep breaths and seemed to calm herself. "So, you were going to tell me your story," she said to Carlisle sadly.

Taking the hint, we got up and went back to the couch. "You were going to tell me what you know," Carlisle reminded her.

After a few minutes and calming herself more, she said, "I know your father was a pastor, you were hunting a coven and found them, you were bit and hid yourself, and eventually consumed the blood of a deer. After some time, you swam to France and eventually made your way to Volterra and lived with the Volturi for some decades before you came to America."

"Yes, that is all true. I want to add some of the more difficult and gruesome bits. Do you think you're up for that?"

She replied with a nervous head bobbing.

Carlisle got that look he does when he was pulling on a distant memory, and then after a few seconds began. "As soon as I was bit, I had a fair idea that I would turn into the monster I had been hunting. My father's policy was that everything the monster touched was burned. As I didn't want to die, I went and hid myself. I forced myself to stay quiet and remain mute despite the excruciating pain. I know you experienced a small portion of that when James bit you. I dare say that the process is a thousand fold worse than that, because it takes over your whole body."

His voice turned serious. "From a medical perspective it could be described as a virus killing you. There is no mistake about it, Bella. It will kill you as a human. It is relentless and excruciating. All that I have changed have wished for death in the desire to make the pain go away. It does end, but it takes time. For me, time was irrelevant. I could not tell you if a day passed or a month. All I knew was the pain and that if I cried out, I would be found and then my father would be forced to end my existence.

"The fire that burns our throats thirsting for blood feels very much like the fire that burns away our humanity. For a long time the desire to quench the thirst at any cost is all that can be considered. For me, I think it helped that I knew what I was when I woke up. Even knowing my nature and what had happened, though, it was very difficult to resist massacring everyone within my vicinity, which would have been my friends and neighbors for my whole life up to that point. Everything within me told me that if I would only succumb my pain would end. There is no human equivalent, but the closest I could describe is if you were a diabetic and you knew sugar would harm you irrevocably. Then you are starving from hunger, and someone put the most delicious piece of chocolate cake in front of you. Your hunger would be at war with what you knew would hurt you. I struggled against it every moment of every day without sleep or rest for my first two hundred years."

Her eyes had grown and a sheen of sweat could be seen on her skin.

Carlisle's tone turned contemplative. "I sometimes get the impression that I have given you the idea that resisting the excruciating pain of the burn is easy or simple. It is neither. Even still, after all this time, I have moments when it is challenging. I have to monitor myself at all times. Any and all times that I am around humans I need to be on guard to ensure I do not act on that baser instinct. I can never relax, never ease up, never be anything other than fully aware of everything within myself."

He paused looking at Bella curiously who appeared a little paler than normal.

"Do you have a question, Bella?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter," she defended herself quickly for her. "I don't want to sound rude."

"Nothing would be farther from the possibility Bella. This is part of the promise to you that I made. Ask your question," he requested. "You couldn't possibly offend me."

She sat contemplatively watching her hands. After a long while she spoke. "If it's such a painful process and you seem, even after all these years to recall it perfectly, and disliked what you became, why did you change the others?"

"That's a great question, Bella," he told her sincerely his tone sad and contemplative. "It is a question that I have pondered on, as I'm sure, all the members of my family have. I have questioned whether I played God, and if I had a right to keep them here on earth with me. In truth, Bella, a lot of it was selfishness. After so much time had gone by, I had experienced such interesting things and had begun to practise medicine. As such, I began to see beyond my initial fears and my father's teachings. I began to see the benefits of what this life could give, despite its challenges.

"In addition as the years passed by, I became very lonely. I have always lived differently than my own kind and will never be human again. I lived in between the two worlds, never really a part of either. That had led to me thinking for a few decades about creating a companion, since none of the vampires I met were ever interested in joining my diet. It was a difficult decision and if it hadn't been for Mrs. Masen, I don't think I would have had the courage to do it. Once I had done it, and it had gone rather well, it was easier, in a way, to contemplate the possibility.

"With Esme I acted almost out of instinct. I looked at her and thought 'not her, anyone but her'. I couldn't bear it, literally, that she might not be on this earth any longer. With Rosalie I felt as if she were placed in my path and she had such amazing potential and possibilities that to allow her to die seemed like such a waste, and Emmett I changed because Rosalie begged me to.

"Each time I wondered if I made the right choice. One of the things I have been learning these past few months is that even the choice made in the best of intentions can hurt others. In forcing each of them into this life I acted without their consent. At the same time, none were in a state to consent. At a certain point, I just have to believe that they each were meant to cross my path. Nevertheless, irrelevant of the outcome, I wish I could have saved them from the pain of the transformation.

"It hurt me to watch them go through it, and I carry a certain about of guilt regarding all that they've suffered and every human that has died at their hands. How can I reconcile that with the joy I get every day of having them in my life? I don't have a good answer. I have to hope that the pain I put them through has been worth the life I have given them."

Bella sat pondering his answer for a long while. "Is that why you're so financially generous with them?" she asked, which was not the question I was expecting.

It took Carlisle a few minutes before answering, clearly taking her question seriously. "In a way. I have brought them into this life. Providing for them seemed like the least I could do. But it's also more than that. I want to see them happy, and I enjoy being generous."

She nodded in thought. "Would you feel guilty, do you think, for changing me, even if I'm agreeing to it?"

Her questions were insightful and thoughtful, but more than that they were asking my husband to share with her things he would have only said to me as his wife. Perhaps this is why he wanted to speak with her with none of the kids around. He had always wanted to keep the burdens he bore from them. It was doubtful that Bella realized how uncomfortable and vulnerable each of us were allowing ourselves to be when we made this agreement, Carlisle included.

"A little for the pain I will cause you, yes," he answered pensively. "For the struggles you will go through to master your own nature, yes. But at least with you, I will not have to wrestle with wondering if you would have wanted this life, if you had been given the opportunity to object. I will manage my discomfort and the pain I will cause you by aiding you in whatever way I can to ease you through the process, but I cannot protect you from it."

"I understand that Carlisle," Bella told him sounding sincere. "I wish I could go through the transformation without causing you pain or guilt, but that doesn't seem possible."

"No, Bella, it's not," he agreed sadly.

"Is this why you want to pay for my college tuition?" she asked as if she had just made some mental connection.

"In part," he agreed. "College is a stage of development, of finding your self outside of your family unit. I believe that your college years would be better spent taking class, volunteering if you wish, and generally being a college student than working. Also, the financial pressures of paying for school often lies on the shoulders of the parents, and I would rather take on that, than let Charlie struggle with it. It seems the least I can do for how well he's treated me, for trusting us with you, and not to mention that ultimately I will be removing you from his life."

She cringed. "When you put it like that," she started, and then petered off. "I'll think about it."

"That's only fair," he approved.

Undoubtedly he would get his way. He was very persuasive when he wanted to be.

"I have another question," she told him after a few moments.

"Ask it," he instructed.

"You mentioned in your proposal that you want to see me healthy. Did you have a timeframe of how long you were thinking that would take?" she questioned.

"I don't honestly," he answered easily. "At the same time, I'd like you to consider being in your mid-twenties before you are changed."

Her mouth dropped open in disbelief and her eyes narrowed in accusation.

Carlisle put up his hands up in surrender. "Let me explain, please, Bella. As you know, once you are changed, it will freeze you at the maturity level in which you were at when you are bitten. The closer you are to your full human maturation the easier I hope you would find this life. Our emotions are stronger and more visceral than humans. The closer to you are to having finished your physical development as a human, the better I think it would be. And honestly, it would be nice to have one less teenager," he joked with her, and then winked.

She chuckled. "Yes, I suppose a house full of teenagers could be a lot to manage." Then she frowned profusely.

"It's really for your own benefit, Bella," he explained. "For my era I was close to middle age when I was changed. Esme was a mature woman. It has served us well. You can see the difficulty, especially with the three teenagers I have changed, that they have had in growing up. At times it also limits their options. A few human years matter a lot in the face of eternity. My request is that you think about it."

She nodded thoughtfully, but there was sadness etched in her features. "I will, Carlisle. You raised some good points," she told him, but her tone indicated that she was giving him platitudes.

Her response probably had something to do with Edward, which Carlisle would also suspect. We had already discussed the possibility that her reactions, when it came to the topic of becoming a vampire, were probably heavily tied to whatever she was feeling in that moment about Edward.

"Any more questions for me?" Carlisle asked.

After some reflection, she answered him, "Not at the moment," but there was hesitancy and a lingering wistfulness in her tone, as if she had more questions and didn't want to ask them.

"Well, anytime you think of another, come and ask. Remember you promised to ask questions. This is a two-way street," he reminded her sternly.

"Okay, Carlisle," she answered ducking her head and putting her hair in front of her to hide her face, but the increased blood flow could still be heard.

"Do you need anything Bella?" I asked guessing that she desired a change of conversation.

She shook her head no.

"How about we stretch your legs a little and take a walk on the property?" I suggested.

She smiled looking up at me. "I think I'd like that actually."

"Good," I told her grateful that I had offered something that she had responded to positively.

Bella and I got up. Carlisle flashed me a smile of gratitude, and I winked back at him.

For the most part Bella and I walked in a companionable silence enjoying the outdoors. When we got to the creek we followed it for a little bit and then started heading back.

"Do you regret the pain you had to go through, Esme?" Bella asked softly while staring at the trees.

"No," I answered her easily, "but then I would go through any amount of pain to have Carlisle. And although the physical pain was indescribably horrendous, it was almost bearable in comparison to the emotional pain of losing my son. The ache we live with mimics the pain of our burnings, so there's a psychological compulsion to rid yourself of it. However, those times when I have completely soothed it by taking a human's life, I always felt like I let Carlisle down. Therefore, I've never experienced any true relief since waking up to this life. At the same time, when I did slip Carlisle's love and support helped me fight to do better. I appreciated him all the more for it, but it was never easy. This is part of why we need each other as a family. We stay accountable to each other and help one another."

Pausing I allowed that to sink in. "Each time I felt bad when I took a life, not just for the life lost, but for disappointing Carlisle. In truth, I have little understanding of Carlisle's position. I've never changed someone, so I don't know how difficult it would be to bite someone and stop, or to feel the weight of responsibility when someone you changed takes a life. Whilst even though I can't be certain of how he feels about those things, with each death I carried guilt about how I wasn't as strong as Carlisle to resist, along with thoughts about how he had saved me from certain death while I had repaid him by killing someone. It's taken a long time for me to let go of those unreasonable expectations."

A smile grazed my face as I reflected telling her, "Helping Emmett through his early years and even first decades was good for me. Carlisle and Rosalie make it look easy, when it is anything but. In reality it's hard to be a Cullen, Bella, and although Carlisle has never taken a human life directly, his venom has in changing us, and in a way, each time we have killed someone. So, not even Carlisle is immune from the weight of humans' deaths. It's one of the hardest things about the life we've chosen. When one of us fails, we each feel the cost of that, but perhaps none more so than Carlisle."

Appearing confused she asked, "I get that he would feel responsible, but why would he carry more than the person who slipped?"

"Because he wants to be a doctor. It keeps us in close proximity to humans. The Denalis also feed from animals, but they aren't as tempted as we are. His choice of occupation keeps us entwined in the human world in a way that none other of our kind need. It makes our choices harder in a way, and the chance of something happening higher, but it is what makes him happy. There are times when the family has asked for a break and he takes time off from working for our sake, but being a doctor is very much a part of who Carlisle is. Therefore, supporting Carlisle as a doctor is simultaneously a source of pride for the family and partially how we give back to the human world, but it also has high inherent risk."

After a few minutes of heavy silence she said, "Thanks, Esme."

"What for?" I asked taken back.

"For so much, but most of all for my room, making me feel wanted and a part of your family. I feel so full and so grateful."

"You're welcome darling. You deserve it."

I watched her cheeks warm.

"Let's get you some lunch," I offered to help distract her from her obvious discomfort.

"Okay. I should work some on my homework, since Alice will be here tomorrow," she told me.

"That sounds like a wise plan," I agreed.

When we got back into the house, I made her lunch and brought it to her at the dining room table where she was working. I went upstairs and continued the alterations of the second floor. After a few hours it seemed like she was getting restless, so I went downstairs to check on her.

"Want a break?" I asked.

"Yes, I think I need one," she agreed easily.

"Ready for my story?" I checked.

She looked at me seriously. "If you're ready to tell it."

"I am. Come to the living room when you are ready," I instructed.

Carlisle came downstairs in support of me, which I appreciated. Snuggling myself into his arms, I nuzzled into his ear, "The pain was worth it to get you, my love."

He smiled slightly with a sadness in his eyes that didn't used to be there, before telling him my imaginings, when I said similar things. "Miss Platt, I don't deserve you," he stated subdued but earnestly into my ear.

"Perhaps," I smiled teasingly, "but you got me anyway."

He nuzzled his face into my hair and breathed me into him deeply. He started purring almost unnoticeably. "God could not have given me a greater gift than you," he said softly. Whether the words were directed to me, to himself, or to his God I was uncertain. Nevertheless they pleased me.

"True," I smiled playfully.

We heard Bella rise from her chair in the dining room. We separated slightly into a less intimate position as to not make her uncomfortable.

She came in and sat back into the armchair.

"Do you remember, Bella when I told you that I had jumped from the cliff due to my grief of losing my son?" I asked gently hoping to ease her in.

She nodded he features sagging slightly.

"I honestly don't remember much after that until the pain. I woke up from the sweet slumber of unconsciousness to my limbs being on fire, as if molten lava had begun to flow through my veins. I could not imagine that a more intense feeling of being on fire could ever exist. In so many ways, it reminded me of the times in which my hand or arm had burnt on the stove, only ten thousand times worse and if it were burning all of me, my skin, tendons, muscles, bones, heart, lungs, eyes, brain, everything. I attempted to move my arm to remove it from the fire, but found that I couldn't. Frozen in place, unable to get the fire to stop or escape from it, I was convinced that I had been sent to hell for my suicide and this was my punishment.

"At times, I fought back begging pleading to be released from my torment believing that I didn't deserve the punishment I was receiving. At other times, I embraced the burning, accepting my consequences for my actions. Neither attitude seemed to make much a difference, if anything the temperature only increased as time passed. The worst part was that I wasn't with my son. See, I had been convinced that if I died at least I would be reunited with him. The desire to lose myself to the flames and to believe myself worthy of the condemnation I was receiving, especially since nothing existed outside of the pain, was so strong.

"I repented, said my prayers, asked the God from my youth to save me. It kept raging on. When my prayers were not heeded, I cursed the heavens for my life with Charles, for losing my son, for all of my suffering, for my angel never saving me. Many times after Charles had left for work I couldn't understand how God had sent an angel to mend my leg and then leave me to be beaten black and blue by my husband. It was if the fire cemented so many of my sentiments, while burning to ash my rationales and memories of why there were so.

"Time didn't exist. Nothing was there except the pain. The mental anguish I went through in believing that it was my punishment for committing suicide and believing that my son was now lost to me till the end of time was almost as excruciating as the pain itself. In fact, perhaps it was an illusion, but it seemed like the greater my mental anguish, the stronger my physical pain. Eventually, though, it began to recede from my fingertips and toes. I began to feel my body again, although it didn't feel like it was mine. Everything felt different and strange. I became very afraid."

Bella looked as if the blood had stopped going to her face giving her a grey looking appearance and her eyes had widened.

Concerned I carefully asked, "Do you need me to stop? We can continue this another day. There's no rush."

She gulped and her eyes focused on me. "You are a powerful story-teller Esme, that is all. It was like the pain I felt from James' biting me had returned and I was burning with you. Please continue."

Carlisle had his eyes closed and, although he held me close, his whole body seemed to exhibit anguish.

"You don't have to stay," I told him in a quick subhuman hearing murmur.

"I want to be here," he stated simply in the same tone.

Saying nothing more and after watching her face return to its more natural colour, Carlisle nodded for me to go on.

Taking myself back to those years, I continued my story, "The fear that consumed me was almost as intense as the fire filling every part of me, so that I could feel nothing except fear. Then, as if very far away, barely the slightest movement in the wind, I began to hear a whisper of a voice. The voice reminded me of the angel doctor that had healed me when I was sixteen."

The corner of Carlisle's mouth rose and Bella smiled kindly.

Glad to see her doing better I felt more confident as I resumed, "'I'm so sorry for your pain, Miss Platt,' I heard. 'Please forgive me. I had no other way than to save you from certain death.' This was repeated over and over again. I was so confused, but I trusted the angel doctor. It was clear to me that I had died. What I did not understand was how the terrible pain meant that he had saved me. Fortunately hearing his voice had caused the fear to recede, but in its place the pain had increased, as if that slight reprieve had only made its return absolutely worse.

"Other times the angel doctor's voice would come back and talk to me. He told me that he was a vampire and that he had bit me and made me like him. He told me that he didn't hunt humans and consumed animal blood instead. But most of all he repeated that he was sorry and begged for forgiveness. Just when I believed there could be no greater pain, it would worsen once more. The pain was all consuming to the point that even thought was impossible. I knew nothing but the pain, not my name, not my history, not my son, not the doctor. It wiped it all out removing it all and leaving nothing but ash. Then there was a voice. I didn't recognise it. 'The pain is receding,' it said, 'she can hear you now.'

"When the pain ended and I opened my eyes everything was startling. It was so disorientating and overwhelming that I wanted to hide. As soon as I had the thought, I found myself in a corner, my back against the wall, cowering. There was this strange creature that almost appeared as if he glowed from the inside about halfway across the room from me. He put his hands up in surrender. 'I mean you no harm,' he said soothingly. I didn't doubt this, strangely enough, but I was still afraid. It was hard to focus on him, honestly. So much distracted me.

"But even still in the midst of my confusion something inside of me recognised his voice. Staring at him analyzing every feature, my mind attempted to comprehend how I could trust someone that I had no recognition of. 'It's alright Miss Platt,' he said after a while, 'take all the time you need. It can be very disorientating.' As if trying to see something through a fog, my mind brought up vague references of his voice asking for forgiveness. Had he done this to me? Had he caused the fire? Immediately I growled deeply at him the sound emanating from my chest and sounding completely inhuman. Scrunching my face up in confusion, I tried to discover where the sound was coming from. It took some minutes for me to realise that my throat, my mouth was making that noise.

"Absolute terror took me again. Although I attempted to move further away from where he was standing, instead the wall around me crumbled. Wailing and folding into myself into a tight ball. I closed my eyes and tried to understand what was happening. 'Miss Platt?' I heard that same voice ask his tone strongly filled with worry and concern. That made even less sense. Then there was the sound of someone else talking, a male by the sound of it, but he was further away and his words did not register to me. Still having two males nearby heightened my fear. I shouldn't be alone with two men. Clearly they had done something to me. I barely registered the second male saying, 'She's confused and afraid, Carlisle.' There was the briefest of pauses and then the one in front of me spoke again, 'Yes. Perhaps a distraction would be in order.'

"There was the sound of the movement of clothing, but opening my eyes and having to face the men and what lay before me seemed worse somehow. 'Do you have a favourite author?' the first voice asked. 'Really?' the second voice chastised. Then like a flash I began to see myself on a hospital cot looking at a doctor who had uttered those exact words. The images were grainy and blurry, but still there was no mistaking my Dr. Cullen. My eyes popped open and I moved forward destroying more of the wall as I went. Could it be that this creature in front of me was Dr. Cullen? Looking at him once more and comparing him to my memories, I recognized my dear Dr. Cullen, but he didn't look the same. Then again, everything I was seeing, even light, appeared different.

"Deep within me I knew that Dr. Cullen was trustworthy. He had been my angel, but I was also afraid. Carlisle bent down with his hands up as they had been before, but didn't move towards me. Carlisle just stayed like that and waited for me. It took a while, but eventually I put my hand to my throat noticing that it felt like it was on fire. 'Does it hurt?' he asked me. I merely nodded back. 'Come with me,' he encouraged. As I got up to go with him, I noticed that the second male was in the next room. Without thought I crouched down and snarled as if warning him away.

"The sounds that came out of my mouth frightened me once more. I felt as if I had been turned into an animal. Instantly distraught I curled into myself and held myself into a ball almost wishing that I had receded into the corner before hand. Somehow having a smaller space around me felt safer. While my mind attempted to solve this dilemma I quickly discovered I couldn't produce tears, which led into a new wave of hysteria. Carlisle sunk down to the floor sitting. After a long time he spoke again, 'I'm going to come near, Miss Platt. It's okay. I won't hurt you,' he let me know.

"Unable to acknowledge him I could feel him come near, but I didn't feel afraid. Eventually he was near enough to put a hand on my arm. We stayed like that for a long time. I really have no idea how long. Eventually I decided that being upset wasn't helping, and my throat was hurting even more. I put my hand to my throat again. 'Miss Platt,' Carlisle said softly, 'you are thirsty. You need to hunt. Only blood will help. Do you remember what I said?' I nodded slightly. He had said that he was sorry and I remembered every word he had spoken to me when I had been his patient. 'Good,' he replied. 'Can you stand up and we will go out into the forest and find you something?' I raised my head and looked at him as if he had lost his mind. I wasn't going to do that. A lady didn't hunt. That was unacceptable to me.

"He said nothing, but I heard the door open and then close. Carlisle spoke again, 'My companion went to fetch you something, but we must go outside, Miss Platt.' I was dubious of how my throat hurting equated having to go outside. It seemed like an absolutely ridiculous conclusion, but he was a doctor and I trusted him, so I stood up, doing so abnormally easily. It was very disorientating. Then he stood and walked forward. I followed him. We stood outside just waiting. Outside was even more distracting and fascinating than inside. After a little bit, I saw the other man, a boy really, carrying a paralyzed deer towards me it's heartbeat the loudest sound.

"I just stared my mouth agape. Carlisle softly instructed, 'Come on, Miss Platt, it will be all right.' As he walked closer to the animal I went with him simply because his presence made everything feel calmer, although why he was moving towards the animal still was completely baffling me. Then he bent over the deer and put his lips to its neck. The next thing the most delicious aroma captured me begging me to come near to it. I remember taking a step forward. Then the next thing I remember is crouching over the lifeless animal, blood down my chin and dress. I was appalled. I ran back into the house and put myself into the corner holding myself."

Carlisle squeezed my hand bringing me out of my memories.

Bella looked mesmerized.

I waited until Bella came to. "You all right, dear?" I asked her.

"I'm fine, thanks, just enraptured by your story!"

Carlisle smiled at me.

"Well, then." I was glad that Carlisle was amused. "Anyway, it was difficult to say the least. Carlisle was very patient, as well Edward."

At his name she winced.

"They were very understanding. Carlisle had devised ways to help desensitize me to the scent of human blood, and I was doing fairly well in a car driving through a town with the windows slightly down, but that didn't stop me the first time I caught the scent of an open wound. Before recognition could dawn regarding what I had smelled, I was running towards it. I was upon the sweet nectar and drowning in its scrumptious soothing flavour before I even had a thought. It was ambrosia. Feeling another vampire come up behind me, I quickly finished and turned to defend myself.

"The vampire approaching me was Carlisle. He had the strangest combination of empathy, grief, and determination on his face. He came towards me with his hands up. 'Come here, please, Esme,' he asked. I took a step forward confused at Carlisle's behaviour. 'Please, come here,' Soon Edward was running towards us. I did as Carlisle had requested. Things were quite confusing until I decided to turn and see what Edward was doing. What I saw was him changing the markings I had made so that it appeared to look like a bear. That was when I realized what I had done.

"I ran home and was inconsolable for over a week. Nothing that either of them said made a difference. The whole incident was made worse by the fact that I would never be able to remove from my memory the taste, the smell, nor the desire. It took ages before animal blood was palatable again to even a reasonable degree. As much as I would like to say that it was only the once, it wasn't. It's been a long time since I've consumed human blood. Despite the time, I was so ashamed on your birthday that I had to leave the room before I did something to you I regretted. I loathe the idea that I would have forgotten my care for you in exchange for something that would have been temporary. But the reality is that it could happen."

I watched Bella carefully. Blood had drained out of her face once more. I looked over at Carlisle quietly questioning him if she was okay. He nodded slightly. I went back to watching Bella. It took a while, but eventually her colour appeared to return to her more normal parllor.

"You want to talk about what you're thinking?" I asked Bella.

"Maybe later?" she asked weakly.

"Of course, dear, as long as it's later. Talking about it is part of the deal," I reminded her.

"Uh-huh," she replied as if she hadn't heard me in the least. Then she got up and went back to the dining room as if we weren't there at all. It was very strange.

I looked over at Carlisle. He shrugged. I snuggled into him.

"Did I say too much?" I murmured at him a little while later.

"No, love," he soothed me. "It's what we promised her. I think it was just hard for her to take."

"Do you think she'll see me different now?" I asked him voicing my deepest concern.

"I never did. You were and will always be my Miss Platt." Then he kissed my head and wrapped his arms tightly around him. After some time had passed he murmured, "Why didn't you ever tell me that you remembered nothing upon your waking?"

"What does it matter?" I asked him puzzled at why he was focused on this of all things.

"You said that you remembered what I said," he trailed off.

"Yes, from our first encounter. What is upsetting you?" I pressed him.

"Your first memory was me apologising, but without explanation. Despite this you didn't attack me or even lunge at me. Then your very next memory is meeting me at the hospital," he told me as if these facts made no sense to him.

Pressing into his chest, I took his arms and wrapped them tighter around me.

Bella had closed a book and opened a new one by the time he spoke again.

"Even in your first moments without any real tangible way of understanding what was happening or who I was or whether I would hurt you, you trusted me?" he questioned clearly astonished.

Nodding into his chest, I said nothing waiting on him.

"Your are astounding," he said as if concluding his thought.

"I don't understand," I admitted to him when it seemed like he wasn't going to say anymore.

"You should have attacked. I expected you to attack. The venom had to repair all the breaks from your jump. It was excruciating to listen to. I can't imagine what the sensation would be like. I had thought that the reason you didn't attack was because you remembered what I had told you during your burning and you were simply attempting to wrap your mind around it. Edward said you were confused and I saw your fear. From that I drew my own conclusions. I had assumed with your bruising and older breaks that you had been mistreated, and weary of men. It all seemed to fit. But never would I have guessed that you didn't remember anything at the beginning."

"It came back soon enough," I retorted and then added sadly, "some of which I still wish had stayed buried."

"I know," he uttered while comforting me. After a moment he continued. "Still, your trust in me and attachment to me were strong, despite not remembering me, thirst raging, and being only minutes old. I simply cannot wrap my mind around it."

I wanted to say that his incapacity was because it was not something to wrap the mind around, that it was a matter of the heart, but it seemed a moot point at this juncture, so instead I snuggled in closer to him and breathed in his scent.

Some time later he asked, "You really asked God to send me to save you from Charles?"

"Yes," I answered sadly, another thing I had never told him.

"You choose to be mad at God for not sending me than to be mad at me for leaving you behind," he murmured in disbelief.

"Yes," I concurred to another thing I had never told Carlisle, although I had told him that as a human I couldn't believe in a God that would allow my husband to treat me as he had.

"And you never harboured ill will towards me," he stated.

"We've had this conversation before," I reminded him.

"My belief that you are an incredible creature, Miss Platt, is an understatement. I might never understand your heart and how you love me," he admitted.

"Your understanding is not needed, only your acceptance," I told him.

He sighed deeply, clearly off kilter, but he said nothing else only pulling me into himself more deeply.

Hearing Bella's heartbeat in the background brought my mind back to her reaction of getting up and leaving. Yes, this is what we had agreed and had promised her. Didn't make it any easier. Her response certainly wasn't what I would have hoped for, although it could have been worse. Had Carlisle felt as raw and vulnerable after his telling as I? That was a conversation for another time. For the moment I comforted myself with the thought that at least she was still in our home and hadn't run back to Charlie's. Maybe that said something. Holding onto that hope, I wondered how our four others were doing in Seattle and how Edward was managing.

"Earlier I wanted to sample her," I admitted to Carlisle wanting to confess this failing before too much more time passed. After all, for the sake of our marriage, I had promised myself that I would be honest with him, even about things I would rather hide.

He considered that before asking, "Know the cause?"

"Proximity and combination of her pressing into me everything throbbing against me and taking in her scent. Since, I've been holding my breath."

"You're not acclimatised to having humans so close," he mused.

"No, you're the only one in the family that is close to humans for long periods of time, and then I doubt your time with humans at the hospital is like the hug she needed," I answered tersely not appreciating his tone.

"I wasn't suggesting otherwise, Esme," he said in defence of himself. "I was only thinking that Edward is the only one who has practiced such things. We should be mindful. I'll mention it to the family without bringing up yourself."

"Yes, that's true," I agreed my agitation gone.

"I'm proud of you, Esme, especially given what you just said," Carlisle murmured.

Smiling some, but not wanted to saying anything more about the matter, I lay in Carlisle's arms until the sun started to set.

"She'll need dinner," I said out loud not really wanting to remove myself.

"Yes," Carlisle said equally unmoving.

I had accused Bella of only seeing our lure, the beauty that the venom makes to our exterior. Could my story have shown her the darker side of our nature that she had ignored? She had agreed to this, but would the reality cause her to withdraw. It would be an appropriate human response, but it saddened me. Taking in a deep breath, pulling on him for strength I got up and found Bella hoping that my story hadn't caused her to no longer be in our lives.