The idea that Esme and Carlisle think alike comes from Faith & Love by MikiInBlueJeans here on FF

Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp

(Updated 5 May 18)


Chapter 22: My Heart Is Selective


Alice had informed me that Bella would come around after work later and stay for a while. The house seemed too quiet without our visitors as I started cooking her dinner. A few seconds later, I could hear her truck turn into our driveway.

Bella came into the house without knocking, put her bags down, greeted the kids, and, presumably seeing that they were occupied, came into the kitchen.

She came around the island and then threw herself at me.

I wrapped her in my arms. Despite the struggle of her proximity, I was so glad to have her near.

"I missed you too, Bella," I told her. "It's good to have you here."

She did not respond in any other way than continuing to cling to me. I was pleased that our relationship had deepened in a way that I had become more to her than Edward's mother, and she could express her sense of missing me in this way. Hopefully, that meant she wanted me in her life as much as I wanted to be in hers.

When she pulled back I asked her, "Would you like to sit with me while I finish this?"

She nodded, eagerly taking a seat.

"I want to let you know of a small change in the house rules, and then I want to hear everything that has been happening with you since we last saw you," I informed her.

She smiled shyly.

"Our visitors left before dawn this morning. If Alice sees them returning, you are to go into your room, lock the door, and stay there till someone comes and gets you," I told her sternly leaving no room for argument. "All right?" I asked softening my tone.

She nodded, but her body responded in fear.

"There's no reason to be afraid," I assured her. "It is simply that they are young. You know from our stories that it is harder when someone is first into this life to have self-control. We don't want to tempt them or risk you. That's all."

After taking a deep breath she told me her voice having only the smallest bit of a quiver, "Okay, Esme."

"That's a good girl," I encouraged her with a smile. "Now tell me all about you."

She got a cunning look, one that reminded me of Edward, before she said, "If you'll tell me more about your visitors."

Putting the sadness at my missing son aside, I smiled at her brazenness, pleased to see her efforts to ask for what she wanted, and easily agreed to her condition, "If you wish."

"I do." She nodded as if punctuating her point.

I waved my hand indicating that she should go first.

"I got into Washington State, University of Washington, Portland State, University of Portland, Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Western Washington University, and Dartmouth," she told me proudly and with a big smile.

Moving at a human pace, I went over to her and gave her a quick hug before returning to the stove.

"Congratulations! I had no doubt," I told her once I had returned to my preparations.

She smiled broadly. "Yeah, my parents are proud."

"As they should be. Any decisions?"

"Well, I narrowed it down by distance. I want to be close enough to Charlie to see him regularly," she explained calmly, clearly having given this a lot of thought. "He doesn't want me to be near Seattle and I'm thinking that Portland, since it's also a big city, might not be the greatest idea for me, since traditional vampires might show up there also. I'll do an Ivy League school maybe next time. Western had the lowest number of sunny days on average at 155, mostly in the summer, but Central is only slightly more at 165. Central has hunting closer, where Western you'd have to travel a bit first." At this last sentence, she frowned.

"The kids can take evening and online classes, Bella," I assured her not wanting this small issue to make a difference in her decision, and then added, "or we can come up with an illness that will allow them even more than the usual sick days off. Don't worry. Like I told you, focus on what's best for you. However, we all appreciate you considering your location's likelihood to attract unwanted attention."

At that she smiled at me. "No, we can't have unwanted attention."

"Certainly not," I agreed. "Which one has majors that more suit your liking?"

"I'm not sure what I want to study yet," she admitted.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out once you get there. You have a big heart and a quick mind," I told her, hoping to bolster her confidence in herself.

"I'd like everyone else to have a say and pick wherever suits what they want to study too," she told me earnestly.

"That's very thoughtful of you," I let her know.

"Well, I'm not going to be the only one attending," she rebutted.

Her voicing her thoughts regarding choosing a school was a huge step for her. Thus, I was unwilling to get into a discussion with her on this point, so let it go. "Western is at least an hour closer to your dad and wouldn't require you driving through a pass, correct?"

"Yes," she agreed blushing.

"Well, then that might influence your father's opinions," I suggested.

"He'll be just glad I'm in college," she said tersely, as if I had said the wrong thing.

I was uncertain what her reaction was all about, but decided to not press her about it. "Have you considered a Cullen scholarship?" I asked gently instead, wanting to know if her opinion on the matter had changed.

Bella cheeks became rouse. "Well, I checked," she muttered. "There are some scholarships for children of cops. Alice helped me fill out the ones that I'm eligible for. The issue is that most of the scholarships only cover tuition, while the schools require their freshman student to live on campus."

"Would you want to live in the dorms?" I inquired.

"If I got a choice, I'd rather not," she informed me slightly hesitatingly watching for my reaction.

Wanting to support her being vocal about her choices, I tel her know, "Often officials are persuaded with funding offers to bend the rules."

"And that funding offer could be in the way of scholarships for other kids of cops?" she questioned her cheeks filling with blood once more and her looking down.

It pleased me that she was not dismissing my offer out right or arguing against it, and instead trying to find a way that allowed it to work for her. If she was serious about becoming a Cullen, using money to bend the rules was one of the many things she'd have to get accustomed to. "If you like," I agreed easily.

She thought about it. "I don't like the idea, generally, but I get it. Will it be too much of a burden?" she inquired appearing embarrassed by her question.

"Bella, we could give them enough to buy their school and it would barely make a dent," I told her point blank.

"Oh," she stated blinking rapidly.

"Carlisle always invested his earnings well, and then with Alice's gift, let us just say that it would take less than a week to recoup the costs are you talking about."

"Oh." She said the word drawn out like she was finally beginning to understand. She sat thoughtfully. "As much as I'd like to say no, I don't want my parents to go into debt, and once I'm a Cullen you would pay off my loans anyway. So, reluctantly I will agree."

I smiled. "You are a wise woman in your young age," I teased.

"More like backed into a corner I can't win," she grumbled under her breath.

"I just want to point out that living off-campus will make it harder to make human friends. Your college experience won't be the same living with us as it would be in the dorms."

"Perhaps not, but I can always change my mind, and I'll be safer with you all, just in case." She paused a moment before she continued, "I really thought about what Carlisle said. Although my first choice would be for …" she took a deep breath as if preparing herself, "… Edward," she breathed out just barely, "to change me, Carlisle is my second choice. Since he's asking me to age some, I don't want to tempt things. Thus, living off campus seems best."

"You could always get an apartment close by," I pointed out.

"But you guys will get a house on the outskirts. It wouldn't really be that close by."

I smiled. "You know us well."

She grinned knowingly.

"We'd have to vote on it officially, as we do get the occasional visitors. Sometimes Jasper's friends come visit or Carlisle's. The kids will probably come up with some options after looking at housing. Getting two places is always a possibility. We've done it before."

"Okay," she agreed reluctantly. "Your turn," she stated, clearly wanting a change of subject.

One day I hoped to learn why money was such a touchy subject for her.

Turning to her fully, I smiled proudly at her. "You're doing this growing up thing well, Bella," I praised her.

She dropped her eyes and her face grew scarlet.

"Our visitors were two homeless youths that Victoria had changed," I told her, letting my praise go, as she was clearly uncomfortable. "Bree was possibly fourteen and about three months into this life. Diego was maybe sixteen and about six months old as a vampire. We came across them in Seattle, and they were both willing to try our diet. Carlisle did some blood desensitising tests that we all went through. They were growing restless and wanted to be on their own."

Bella raised an eyebrow to me. "Really, Esme? That's all you got?"

I smiled at her chastisement. "Well, neither of them had much of their human memories. So, we played games and Bree eventually began to paint between their hunting trips."

"Did they hunt a lot?" she asked nervously.

"Yes," I answered. "The young usually hunt at least once a day. Remember Emmett's story that he hunted every few hours for three days before we were ever able to come home?"

She nodded in the affirmative.

"When they first got here they couldn't last twelve hours, by the time they left, they were close to lasting a day, but part of that is shifting to our diet. Animal blood doesn't last as long, especially for the young or those accustomed to human blood, and they were both."

As I explained, I had watched the blood drain out of Bella's face.

"You all right dear?" I asked concerned.

After a few moments, Bella seemed to collect herself and asked shakily, "Was it difficult to have them here?"

"It was difficult to not be able to see you. Helping our own kind and showing hospitality is something I enjoy doing. It wasn't a burden, although it was restrictive, as we were responsible for them while they were under our care."

"So," Bella drew out thinking, "if a human had gotten hurt by them, the treaty would have been broken?"

"Yes," I agreed. "Which brings us to Jake. How are things with him?"

She looked at me suspiciously, clearly not appreciating the change of topic. "They're okay," she answered sadly after a moment.

"Just okay?" I pressed.

Finishing up the dinner, I put it on a plate for her with a small salad on the side.

"Thanks, Esme."

Sitting down in the chair next to her, as I placed the food before her, I explained, "I enjoy taking care of you in this way."

Her face dropped and the scent of the salty water indicating tears penetrated the space between us before she told me sadly, "When I told him firmly that I just wanted to be friends, he accused me of being a traitor, a leech lover, and then told me that we couldn't be friends. If that wasn't enough, he proceeded to tell me that the treaty would be void if I were to be changed. He said the treaty says bite, not killed."

"Do you think he meant those things?" I asked her avoiding having to discuss the semantics of the treaty.

My hope was that their and our increased cooperation could one day mean adding Bella to the treaty. I had mentioned it to Carlisle once and he merely agreed with my hope.

"No," she told me sadly. "Eventually he apologised, but things aren't the same between us anymore. During our argument, I told him that what I do with my life was none of his business. That's when he sussed out that I plan on being changed. His whole reaction is so irritating, because they have this thing like imprinting, where basically a wolf sees someone and she becomes his whole world instantly. They have no choice over the matter. But he can't understand that I feel pulled to this family. Just like he did, Jake wants me to stay human. God forbid I make my own choices and be happy." By the end she was extremely aggravated.

I simply put my hand on her back rubbing it, saying nothing. Without question I wanted her to become a vampire, but that was because I didn't want to lose her. She would be giving up a lot in joining our world, and I was afraid that some of her verbal insistence of being changed stemmed from her anger, hurt, frustration, or longing, none of which were good places from which to make a decision. This was one reason why I had agreed to having her age. If she chose to become a vampire, I wanted it to be for reasons other than a teenage strop or stubbornness.

"He's such a hypocrite at times," she said angrily with tears forming in her eyes, "and their prejudices are ridiculous, but he's still Jake, you know. We hung out every weekend since then, while you've had your visitors. We just pretend that it didn't happen, but it hangs heavy in the air."

"I hope one day he can accept you for who you are and respect your choices for your life," I told her sincerely.

"Me too, Esme, but Jake or not, I want to be a part of this family. I meant what I said before; this is where I am happiest. On top of that, even though he says he won't, he'll probably imprint one day and have his own family to think about. But even if he didn't, you were right. I care too much about Jake to allow him to have less than he deserves. I might end up being single for a thousand years, but at least I would have given him the chance to find the person he's meant to be with."

I wrapped my arm around her back. Her words were overly dramatic, but typical for a teenager. Hopefully with maturity she'd find the world less black and white. Till then, I chose to encourage her growth. "Those are some tough mature decisions, Miss Isabella Swan. I'm proud of you. You're growing up nicely. I've also noticed that you're looking healthier, despite me not keeping an eye on you." I winked at her.

"Carlisle's words really got through to me, and I tried to do my part," she retorted smiling embarrassed. "I'm still not great about it, but I've been working at taking better care of myself. Eating a healthy breakfast, having lunch at school, drinking water, having salad at dinnertime with the meal. All that good mature stuff." She stuck out her tongue at me.

"I'm glad to hear it. And I am proud of you," I told her squeezing her the slightest amount more. "Another subject. How are your classes? Are you ready for your finals yet?"

She groaned.

Letting that slide, I smiled at her and asked, "Are you spending the night?"

"I'd like to spend the weekend," she admitted. "I have to work tomorrow and Sunday, though."

Beaming at the idea I told her, "Stay as long as you want."

"I'll call my Dad after dinner," she let me know.

"Sounds good."

"Can I forgo the homework tonight and just hang out, if I promise to work on it tomorrow after work?" she asked.

I smiled. "Yes, darling, that sounds very reasonable."

"This mature growing up stuff sucks sometimes," she grunted out.

"Yes, Bella, it really does," I answered solemnly.

Looking into my eyes she appeared old beyond her years. Eventually she went back to eating. "Having two young ones in your house convince you not to have a third?" she teased her voice quiet.

It took me a few seconds to connect the dots.

"Never," I nearly hissed. "Don't ever doubt my want for you or my desire to have you as part of our family. I missed you. If I weren't so mature and willing to admit that waiting a few years is in your best interest, I might go and beg Carlisle to change you right after high school. But this season will pass."

Her cheeks were flaming red. "Okay, Esme, calm down," she teased.

"Esme needs to calm down?" Alice asked as she fluttered in eying me speculatively.

Bella's blush deepened.

"Let's leave Bella to finish eating in peace and then calling her Dad," I told Alice.

Bella looked at me gratefully.

"You weren't checking the future were you Alice?" I asked her in our quick murmur.

"Um," she mumbled looking guilty.

"Alice," I chided.

"Bella would have not finished eating and then gotten sick later tonight," she explained.

I shook my head indulgently. "And now we'll never know what Bella and I could have learned from each other due to that experience."

She groaned. "Fine," she seethed. "I'll try to do better."

"That's my girl," I encouraged her.

"So, what are we looking at?" I asked the four of them as Alice and I came into the dining room.

As soon as we entered, Jasper looked up at me with a look that conveyed that he was practically ordering me to sort my internal world out.

I smiled back at him appreciative of his concern for me.

Jasper did most of the explaining with Emmett and Rosalie adding some details. The good thing about our failure with Victoria was that we had learned a lot about how her gift worked. Jasper was more confident he could exploit its weakness. "Every gift has it Achilles' Heel," he explained.

The cost we had paid for spending a month with Bree and Diego was that the Seattle newspapers had picked up on the disappearances and deaths. Yesterday had been the first day that the news had been broken by the television broadcasters, local ones, but still. A week or more of reports like this and Jasper believed that we'd get a visit from the Volturi. Our only option to avoid their visiting was to go to Seattle and cull Victoria's numbers again.

In addition to strategizing how to trap Victoria, if Riley ever called, they were working on what they might face in Seattle, now that Victoria knew we were back. We were playing a dangerous game. More than once I thought about asking Carlisle to change Bella sooner than later. The only thing stopping me was my awareness that she would be better served in the long run if she could at least get through college human.

In the midst of Bella finishing her dinner, Carlisle came home and joined us. While listening, I sat next to him, leaning into him with his arm over me. After a while, I heard Bella wash her dishes, get on the phone, talk to Charlie, and then come out to join us. Before she crossed into this space each couple separated into a more respectable distance.

"Staying?" I asked Bella.

"Yes," she reported smiling. "I'd almost say Charlie's glad to get rid of me. He's going to go fishing with Billy." She grinned.

"Good. We're glad to have you," I informed her.

Alice got up and dragged her over so that Bella was sitting next to her while Alice stroked her hair.

"Games or a movie?" Alice asked the table.

I looked at her knowing she was up to something.

She winked back.

Anyone who had an opinion opted for a game.

"You want to pick, Rosalie?" Alice asked.

"Sure," Rosalie answered sceptically.

We all moved to the living room where Alice was glued to Bella. We enjoyed playing, but by the last game Bella began falling asleep in her chair.

"Carlisle, I don't like this," I told him once Bella was in bed and the kids had left for Seattle.

"I know love. I don't very much either. What does your heart say?" he asked softly while running his hands along my hair.

"That I can't lose any of them."

"We fought well together against Victoria," he pointed out.

"Rosalie was particularly fierce," I commented as I thought over that night. "You were right, my love, I wouldn't particularly like the life of a nomad," thinking back to my realization on the mountain.

He chuckled humourlessly and then turned grim once more. "You are afraid?"

"More afraid to lose one of us than to lose our home, but yes. I am afraid of the Volturi coming, although I am more appreciative of the role they play in our world than I ever have been. I simply do not want them near Bella."

"I understand your concern, love, but they keep humans in their employment that are aware of the secret, and unless they bring Aro, which is very unlikely, they will not know of the details of Bella's knowledge. And, if for some reason, they were to find out how much she is a part of our lives, we will simply explain that we were waiting for her to grow older. They know me. They will trust me to keep our world secret. Please do not worry."

"We are playing a dangerous game, Carlisle," I told him, appreciating his comfort, but finding little solace in the words.

"Victoria is cunning and dangerous. We need to put a stop to her for Bella's sake, for the humans' lives she is destroying, and for our own survival," he told me his voice hard.

The certainty in which he spoke pleased me, which was in equal measures disturbing. "I don't like it," I admitted sounding weak.

"I know my darling," he soothed me. "You are far too a gentle soul."

"I like the world you created, Carlisle. We are odd and shunned by our own, but I like it. I am afraid that it is crumbling."

"We could always run, go to someplace remote. Live there for a century. Change Bella. I have planned for such a contingency, since before Edward. It is a risk for the kind of life I've chosen. I've always known that. I just wish I could protect you all better."

I kissed him strongly. "Thank you for working so hard to keep me safe. You're doing your best. Let the rest go."

"I would do all that and more, my love."

"What does your heart say?" I asked him.

Carlisle stayed quiet for quite a while.

I just lay in his arms and let him work it out.

Eventually he said, "That as long as we work as a family and trust each other, we will come out whole. Victoria is angry and vengeful, but we fight with love."

"She got away," I pointed out.

"Given her gift, I doubt anyone has ever gotten so close," he said as a means of a rebuttal. "And we did injure her. Either she will retreat or become more enraged. It would seem the latter, which will make her sloppy. It is only a matter of time. I just hate that her choices have cost so many humans their lives. I don't particularly like Jasper's plan of going tonight to decrease their numbers, but not all newborns are Bree and Diego. I know this. It's just disappointing."

"You see the world better than it is."

"And you see the possibilities of what could be," he countered.

I smiled. My thoughts began to circle round to my feeling from today. "Carlisle, I want to tell you something that I'm ashamed of," I told him slowly almost at a human speed.

"I'm listening," he encouraged looking at me in the eyes and assuring me of his love.

"I was relieved to have Bree and Diego leave, even though I miss them and wish they were still here."

"Because of Bella?" he checked.

"Because of Bella," I confirmed.

"You care deeply for her and missed her," he pointed out.

"If she were already changed, then I wouldn't be in conflict," I admitted.

"True, but that wouldn't be what's in Bella's best interest," he pointed out.

"I know that," I stated in an irritated tone.

"I know you do, love," he assured me frowning. "I'm just stating the obvious aloud. You're allowed to miss Bella. You're allowed to want what you see as a solution. You're allowed to be selfish in these ways. Your connection to Bella is stronger and deeper than to Bree and Diego. Remember from your story our family's conclusion that although many might enter our lives, not everyone is meant to hold the same place in our hearts. Some we hold closer and tighter than others. There is no shame in you feeling differently about Bella than Bree and Diego. Your heart wants what your heart wants. There's no shame in that."

"I feel like there is. They are so young, younger than any of ours, and vulnerable, and in desperate need of mothering. My head says that they need me more than Bella. Bella has two living parents and a whole pack of shapeshifters willing to protect her." Sighing heavily, I tried to find the words to explain myself. "They had so little and needed so much. I should have been able to feel as protective of them as Bella, maybe even more so, but I didn't. Each time my heart moved towards wanting to adopt them, I would stop. Sometimes I think my love for Bella stopped me," I confessed.

Carlisle wrapped his arms around me in comfort. After a while, he withdrew and asked me, "Do you feel as possessive of Bree and Diego as you do of Bella?"

After searching my feelings, I admitted, "No, I don't. I feel like Bella is mine and I would guard her with everything I am, just like I would Edward or Rosalie or Emmett or Jasper or Alice or you. Bree and Diego, I felt mothering towards, and bad for their situation, but not possessive, not in the same way, anyway."

"Remember in your story how I felt empathetic for you, how I wanted to make you feel better even though we were strangers?"

"Yes," I agreed unsure of his point.

"I brought you books so you would have something to occupy your time," he mused.

"You did," I agreed.

"Even though I was unaware of it myself, I wanted you. I felt possessive and connected to you. My blunder was that I failed to see my actions for what they were. Those feelings and my actions should have told me that you meant something different to me than any other creature I had met previously. Your feelings told you that about me, and they are telling you that about Bella. Trust them. There is no need to feel ashamed that your heart is selective."

Placing myself back on his chest I considered his words. I did care about Bree and Diego; I liked them. I wanted nothing but the best for them and wished that they would have stayed longer for their own sake. I believed that they needed mothering and a part of me wanted to be the one to give that to them. Yet, Carlisle was right; something was different about Bella. Maybe I would never know what made that difference, but it was there nonetheless.

"Come my love, for weeks now I have not had the joy of your company and undivided attention for a whole evening. I need you," Carlisle told me, looking at me with an expression full of want.

"And I you, my love."

I stood up.

He swept me off my feet and carried me to our bedroom, opened the door, closed it behind us, and gently placed me on our bed.

"Come here, oh husband of mine," I teased.

"As you wish," he uttered before we were lost in our passion.

Saturday morning, when the kids returned from Seattle, they reported that they came across three newborns travelling together that they had ended. Emmett had a healing crack on his wrist, but they were otherwise unharmed.

Bella came back over after finishing work and stayed all day. Her and Alice spent most of the afternoon together studying, and when they took a break, we all gathered in the living room.

"Well, we'd like to update you a bit, if you think you're up for it," Carlisle told her once she was settled.

"Shoot," she agreed even though she looked slightly tense.

"Well, the deaths and missing persons report hit the Seattle news a few days ago. Consequently, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett went out last night and will go out every night in the next week until we can get the number of newborns under control or hopefully teach them the rules and they leave the Seattle area like Bree and Diego did."

"How was last night?" she asked nervously her eyes large.

We all looked at Jasper. He had given Carlisle and I the full report this morning while Bella had worked on her homework in her room.

"We found three. They could not be reasoned with. No sign of Riley or Victoria," he stated at a brisk human pace.

Bella nodded and then asked, "Are we expecting anyone to show up here?"

"No," Carlisle answered. "Our attempt to capture Victoria, when she last came to the area, we hope, will give her pause to show up here again."

Bella nodded again. "So, there's no danger?"

"No more than normal," he answered with a smile.

"You'll tell me if that changes?" she pressed.

"Yes," he assured her.

"Okay. Are you going to give me the details about the chase with Victoria?" she asked uncertainly.

"This is the first chance we have had to tell you," he reminded her. "Do you want to know?"

Bella appeared to ponder this carefully before she replied with, "Yes."

"Emmett? Would you like to set the stage?" Carlisle offered.

Emmett beamed. "So, right? We'll all hanging out minding our business in the forest when Alice gets her vision that Victoria is near …"

Bella seemed to take the story well considering. It probably helped that we were all safe sitting in front of her. She spent the remainder of the afternoon in her room, claiming that she still had lots more studying to do. Then about eight in the evening she left to go to a Quileute bonfire that Jake had invited her to. She returned safely, but said nothing to either Carlisle or I other than goodnight. I propped her bedroom door open some as she slept, to make sure her dreams weren't bad. She spent most of Sunday, before she returned home, doing more homework. I had to wonder if she really had that much work to do, even with finals coming up.

Sunday and Monday the kids reported not being able to find any of Victoria's coven. Tuesday, they found another group. This time there were four travelling together. Emmett came home with some cracks along his sternum, Rosalie said she was fine, but I think she hurt her shoulder, and Jasper had been bitten. Wednesday and Thursday, they found nothing.

Apart from the kids going to Seattle every night, after Alice got out of school and then returning in the wee hours of the morning, the week seemed to pass relatively uneventfully.

The next week, according to Bella, she did not visit due to her studying for finals. My suspicion grew that she was avoiding the family and the reality of what was going on.

Fortunately, she came over Friday and spent the night. Saturday about lunchtime Alice went into her room and interrupted Bella. "You ready to hear the story of my early years?"

Bella could be heard turning her head, presumably to look at Alice. "Of course, Alice. You don't have to though, if you don't want to. I know it was hard with James."

"I want to," Alice said seriously.

So, I brought lunch from the kitchen into the living room where Carlisle, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett had already gathered collectively agreeing to join in, even though not a word had been spoken.

We all looked at Alice as she lay on Jasper's chest.

"So, you already know I was hunted by James and another vampire changed me to save me from him. You know that I woke up with no memories. I don't remember my transformation even, which Carlisle told me the first time I mentioned it, is unusual."

Carlisle smiled slightly.

"The first memory I have was of seeing the most beautiful sandy blond man in a diner. I went to go find him and the image disappeared, so I changed my mind and went back and the image returned. That's how I knew it wasn't time yet. I just stayed where I was in the woods, probably north Mississippi, but I can't be sure. My throat hurt a lot. I had already found out that water was horrible.

"One day I smelled something delicious. I wanted it badly, so I travelled very fast to get to it. When I looked down there was an older man with a rifle. He looked kind of sad and I wondered how he had gotten that way. I went to walk away and I saw some creatures in black cloaks come, capture me, and take me away. So, I decided that maybe that was a punishment for leaving this poor guy out in the fields. I figured maybe I should bury him. I did. This time when I walked away there were no creatures in black cloaks.

"I don't know how long I lived that way. I stayed in the place that I had woken up and found dead men at my feet. Eventually I began to wonder if I was killing them, but I was so small and they were so big, I didn't know how that would be possible. It was all terribly confusing and lonely. After a while, I became afraid of myself and the possibility that I was hurting others. Then one day, I was lying in the grass trying to catch an image of the sandy haired man with my looking. I wanted to know where he was and if he was wearing the same clothes as the first image I had of him, so that I would know it was time.

"Each time I would see him standing looking sad by himself or fighting. Too often I would see him die only for him to change some microsecond thing and stay alive. Even though it was hard to watch him, the loneliness was worse. My mind kept circling about the dead men at my feet. Shortly after, I got another image, like the one of the sandy haired man, but it wasn't in motion. This one was a picture of a family and the sandy haired man and I were in the photo. There was an older man with blond hair and a woman that stood close to him with caramel coloured hair. There was a blond girl standing with a big bulky guy and there was a tall scrawny copper haired boy.

"I knew, since the sandy haired man was in the photo, that I had to wait for him first, but that's when I started searching my visions for the family. One time I saw the older blond male and the younger copper male hunting and they made similar puncture wounds I had seen on the men at my feet, except on animals. I wondered if that could work for me. It was the first time I went to find something for the burn in my throat on purpose.

"It was really difficult. I didn't know how to find them, and I was getting frustrated. The first time I found a herd of deer it was by accident. I had decided to give up and I was sitting next to a stream when I heard chewing noises. After a little work of following the sound, I found them. I tried to follow what I had seen in the vision, but I made a mess of myself. On top of that, the blood didn't really taste good. Despite all of that, I liked that I had something in common with the family that I would be a part of one day. So, I started finding a deer once a day. After that, I didn't find men dead at my feet, and I liked that too. That was my life for quite a while. I learned that the sandy haired male had a woman in his life named Maria. I had learned the blond male was called Carlisle. He would have the oddest conversations where only the copper haired male would talk. When I searched I could see no other members of the family."

My eyes left Alice and looked over to where I had heard Bella giggling.

"Oh, sorry, Alice. I bet he looked like he was insane carrying half of a conversation. I apologise."

"It's all right. It was confusing. I can see it being funny now, but at the time I thought there was something wrong with them. Anyway, one day when I was looking I saw Carlisle come home carrying the woman with caramel coloured hair, only she looked different than the photo. He had an argument with the copper haired male, which is when I learned his name and the woman's name. I watched as Carlisle bit Esme on her throat and then wrists and ankles. Then, he apologised for being indecent, lifted her skirt, and brought out her undergarments and dumped them on the floor.

"I watched as she went through the transformation, as he sat with her and explained that they were vampires, that she had been dying, and that he had saved her in a way. He brushed her hair and after some time Edward returned with clothes. Carlisle washed her down, cleaned up all the blood, and changed her, apologising again. In all fairness, he did a very good job of not looking at her much.

"That's how I learned about the first year, the bloodlust, how Esme got adjusted to the scent of humans, her early failures, how difficult it was, and Carlisle's soothing words. Each time he taught Esme something, I learned the same thing. When they went into a town, I went near a town at dark. I watched them get married and then Edward leave. I tried not to watch Edward too much during those years, as they were difficult, and made me want to copy him. Instead, I would watch Carlisle and Esme be sad.

"I learned how to steal clothes off the clothes lines that fit me. I learned how to take down a deer so that I didn't spoil my dress. Every time I went near humans I paid attention to how they dressed and then I compared it to the kind of clothes my sandy coloured hair man had been wearing in the diner. I made mistakes. I would go too many days without a deer and a human would get too close.

"With each killed human I would apologise to them, and bury their bodies in the ground reminding myself of Carlisle's words to Esme. I hadn't slipped in over a year since Edward had returned. That was how I learned that their eyes were golden from drinking the blood of animals, because Edward's were red when he wasn't with them, but I watched them go back to golden the longer he lived with them, and Carlisle had already explained about them being red for the first year.

"I got myself a job in a clothing boutique. I told them that I fainted easily, so I could go out to the back for fresh air when I needed. I worked hard and stayed on working there for about a year. I also learned a lot about clothes, which helped. That's about when I started learning how to win money with cards, races, all kinds of things. After quitting my job, I would get a little place on the outskirts of whatever town I was near at the time.

"Rosalie was changed, so I knew the time was getting closer. I opened a little shop and gave out fortunes for money. Emmett was changed. Peter came into Jasper's life. That was how I learned Jasper's name. I was glad to see Jasper had someone other than that vile woman Maria. That was also the year I took another human's life.

"A sweet little girl with strawberry pigtails and a round face with freckles came in wanting to know if this guy who was sweet on her was the man for her. She had cut her finger right before she came in. I don't think she even knew she was bleeding. I remember having the blood fragrance fill the shop. I remember her talking to me and me persuading her, despite her fear, to stay.

"I asked for her palm. She gave me the hand where her cut was. I held it trying with all my might to resist, to send her away, to not take the nectar that called to me. I wasn't strong enough. I jumped over the table. Put my hand on her mouth, brought the cut to my lips and sucked. Eventually she passed out and still I drank. Eventually her heart stopped.

"I wanted to run, but when I decided to do that, the black cloaked figures showed up. The only option I could see, that didn't end with them, was a fire. I burned my shop down with her inside. Then, I ran north and found a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I stayed there for two years, watching my soon-to-be-family and Jasper, and hunted caribou. When I saw Jasper leave Maria with Peter and Charlotte, I knew it was time for me to find the diner.

"That young girl haunted me for a long time, because I knew better by then, but was too weak to resist. The best and worst part of being a vampire is our perfect memories. Every wonderful moment with Jazz, I remember perfectly, but also remember her perfectly as well. Every time after that when I was tempted, I remembered her. It helps some, but not completely."

Bella got up and hugged Alice, stopping her story telling. Jasper held his breath as she approached. Alice and Bella stayed like that for over five minutes. I had to admire Alice's capacity to have Bella's skin and heartbeat so close. Finally, Bella pulled away and sat back down in the armchair that we had returned to the living room after Bree and Diego's departure. We all sat in silence. Alice really did know us, as if she had lived with us all those years. I had known that already, but I had enjoyed hearing it as Alice told it.

Perhaps an hour has passed since Alice had finished her story, us all waiting in silence when Carlisle spoke, "Penny for your thoughts, Bella?"

She looked up. "I was just trying to imagine all those years when Alice's only company was her visions. And I was thinking about how lucky I am that I have all of you here to help me. I used to believe that I would never slip and maybe I won't. You haven't; Rosalie hasn't. That shows me that it is possible, but I'm beginning to see that it's difficult and sometimes a slip is just bad luck."

Everyone looked relieved with her words. We would do our best, but there really was no guarantee.

"I have to say, Jasper," she continued, "that I admire your struggle on my birthday even more. I'm glad your family was here to stop you, and I never was upset with you, but I guess I understand a bit more. You guys make it seem much easier than it probably really is. I appreciate all that you all have shared. It's been tough to hear at times, but I feel more informed than I did before, and I can see better why you say that it's not an easy life."

Jasper looked astonished at Bella's words, but said nothing.

Rosalie looked sad, but slightly hopeful.

Emmett and Alice looked reservedly excited and hopeful.

"I'm glad, Bella," Carlisle said on our behalf, "to hear that you can see better now why we say that it is not an easy life. You also need to know that although we have offered for you to become like us, we will whole heartily accept your choice of staying human."

She nodded with the smell of tears entering the space, and for the first time I saw something more than the dogmatic insistence that being a vampire was what she wanted.

Carlisle paused, watching her carefully before he asked, "Anything more?"

She shook her head no, looking slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable to be in the limelight.

She spent much of the day with us, but then went over to Jake's in the late afternoon, about the same time that the kids left for Seattle.

Unexpectedly, she called me from her house and asked me to pick her up, giving me no explanation before the call ended. When I arrived, I found Charlie and Jake there. Something had obviously happened, but no one was filling me in. Jake looked smug, Charlie looked ambivalent and perhaps a little pleased. Bella looked enraged.

"Bella asked me to take her to see Carlisle," I told Charlie, deferring to him once I was out of the car.

"That's fine, Esme," he said, as if it was no bother.

"I'm going to spend the night, Dad," Bella informed him briskly.

"Sure, sure," he told her.

Bella then got in the car cradling her hand, without another word.

We were half way to the house when I asked, "You want to talk about it?"

"No," she seethed.

"That's okay," I told her softly. "When you're ready."

She nodded. Her eyes began to water, but no tears fell.

"I told Carlisle that you had called me. I hope that was okay, Bella," I let her know as we pulled up.

She never responded, but got out once the car was parked in the garage. Carlisle met her at the door.

"Are you all right?" he asked sounding very fatherly.

"Can you look at my hand, please?" she asked.

He held out his hand and Bella placed hers within it. He examined it carefully and then told her, "It looks badly sprained, but not broken." After a moment's pause and her remaining silent he added, "Let me get you a brace. You'll need to wear it for a few weeks to let it heal."

She nodded.

"Want to talk about it?" Carlisle asked, as he put the brace that he had just retrieved on her.

She smiled grimly. "Anyone ever tell you that you two think a lot alike?" she asked looking back and forth between us.

"A certain someone who shall not be named used to, actually," he told her smiling at the memory.

I went and stood next to him.

"Whatever it is, it's okay," I assured her.

"See, I punched Jake," she told us sheepishly.

I looked at Carlisle lost. What would a mother say to a human girl that just punched a shapeshifter? I tried to imagine what her human mother might have done. That didn't help much.

"How come?" Carlisle asked clearly more composed than I.

"He kissed me," she muttered. "I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. I didn't know what else to do, so I punched him."

By the end, I was growling and Carlisle was holding me in place.

I took one look at Bella seeing tears running down her face, and told her, "I apologise, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you."

She looked up and blinked. "You didn't scare me."

"No?" I asked befuddled.

"You were upset about what happened," she said as if this was obvious.

I had been, but that didn't explain her reaction.

"I am upset that any boy, but especially one you trust to be your friend," I tried to explain, "would violate you like that. Even if it is a kiss, no is no."

Carlisle was perfectly still next to me.

"Carlisle?" I asked concerned.

He blinked and looked at me. "I'm sorry love. I was very upset there for a moment." He looked at Bella sternly. "Would I have your permission to talk to Billy Black about this?"

"No," she shrieked. "Absolutely not!"

We looked at each other.

"It's all right, Bella," Carlisle said in his soothing doctor tone. "If you don't want me to, I won't. Can you at least tell me why not?"

"Well, it was kind of my fault," she admitted guiltily.

I doubted that, but I tried to keep my face neutral.

"He told me that he loved me," she continued. "I tried to explain that although I did love him as well, I didn't love him like that. Then he leaned in, but I didn't back away, or say no, or try to stop him, or anything. Then once our lips met I felt like I was betraying Edward." As his name exited her mouth, she flinched briefly. "I tried to move and back away. I even pulled on his hair, but he's so strong. He didn't feel any of it. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know I was saying no until I slugged him."

"I see," Carlisle said slowly.

"Bella," I said even more slowly than at the speed Carlisle had spoken. "Anytime the other person isn't paying attention to the signals you're giving them means they aren't being respectful to you. Even if it is a young shapeshifter, you shouldn't need to slug them to get your point across."

She just looked down with tears falling onto her lap.

"Bella," Carlisle said in a soothing almost hypnotic tone. "Did Edward ever not respect any of your cues like that?"

She looked up and at him in a dazed fury.

"Never," she hissed. "If anything, I didn't always do a good job paying attention to his cues. I was always pushing for more, trying to move his firm lines of acceptability."

"I see," he said calmly. After a few minutes he asked, "What did your father say about Jake's behaviour?"

"Nothing," she grumbled tinged with sadness. "He's been pushing to get Jacob and I together since I moved here."

"He didn't scold him or discipline him in any way?" he checked.

"No," she said slowly as if Carlisle's idea was crazy. "He thanked him for driving me home. Then they just stood outside together, Charlie on the porch, Jacob near the truck until Esme showed up."

Carlisle turned towards me. "Was Jacob disrespectful to you in any way?"

"No, he didn't say one word to me." I told him.

"Anything else, Bella?" he checked.

"No, but I'm tired," she told us.

The fact that she had admitted this to us pleased me, as it signalled her improvement in voicing her needs.

"How about Esme makes you something small and light for dinner, and then I'll give you a little something for the pain, and you can get some sleep?"

She nodded and followed me to the kitchen.

I made her a small salad.

While Bella ate dinner, Carlisle called Charlie.

"Bella has sprained her hand," he told him after pleasantries had been exchanged.

"Thanks for looking after her Dr. Cullen."

"It's my pleasure," Carlisle informed Charlie sincerely. "I'm concerned about the nature of how she got the injury."

"Yeah, well, Jake meant no harm and Bella should know better than to punch someone."

"Did you talk to Jake about stopping when the other person wants to stop?"

"Yeah, after Esme left. He's young and big. He said that he honestly didn't know she wanted to stop until he heard the bones in her hand crack. He promised me that he would have stopped if she had said no."

"You believe him?" Carlisle checked.

"Yeah," Charlie stated firmly. "He seemed real cut up about it."

"Well her hand will need to be in a brace for a while," he let Charlie know. "I will give her a painkiller to help her sleep for tonight."

"Sure, that's fine. Thanks again," Charlie said.

"It's not a bother. Good night Charlie."

"Night."

When she finished eating, I helped her to her room and into pyjamas.

Carlisle brought her something to take and she cried herself to sleep.

So, Bella ended up spending the night, even though she hadn't planned on it.

A few hours after Bella had drifted off, Carlisle's phone rung unexpectedly, and I hung on every word listening carefully to the conversation.

Riley had finally called.

"Do you know where the Calawah River divides on the east side of Forks?" Riley asked without preamble.

"Yes," Carlisle replied.

"Meet me there alone at 4am," Riley instructed. "We'll talk about your proposal there."

"Agreed."

Immediately Carlisle dialled Billy Black's number despite the hour.

"Hello?" Billy answered unsteadily.

"Hello, Mr. Black, this is Carlisle. Forgive me for the hour. Riley called. Did Sam want to go with me? If so, and if it's possible, I would appreciate some assistance at our home to help guard Bella and another to keep Charlie safe."

"I'll call Sam," Billy replied groggily.

"Thank you."

In the meantime, I texted all the kids: 911 get home now.

Their phones would be off, but Alice should see my decision and what was going on, unless she was too focused on something else. I prayed that the words I had told her were correct, and that no matter what was happening that her visions would force her to see the danger we were in.