Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 11 June 2018)
Epilogue: Reunited
When Edward first crossed the tree line and snarled, "Where is Bella?" it was hard to see my son. Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle and I standing against him certainly wasn't how I had imagined our family being reunited. Unfortunately, we were left with little choice, as what was in front of us was a raw primal animal bent on destruction.
"You need to feed, son," was all that Carlisle spoke in a tone that otherwise would have calmed the most savage beast.
"Where is Bella?" Edward roared his face in a sneer and went into a crouch.
"You need to feed, son," Carlisle repeated in his serenely calm tone.
"Tell me where Bella is," Edward demanded right before launching himself at us.
We moved as a team.
Emmett and Rosalie moved to the right, I moved to the left, Carlisle stepped back.
Edward stepped to avoid being surrounded, presumably attempting to use what he saw in our minds against us. His manoeuvres made no difference in the outcome, though. It had taken more repositioning and teamwork than we had ever had needed before. Not to mention that although he had come close, he had not been able to grab anyone. This unconventional reaction said volumes about how we had changed.
"You calm yourself and come feed with us, or we will put you in the basement and retrieve something as if you were a newborn. Choice is yours," Carlisle stated to Edward calmly.
His featured were somewhere between a rabid dog and utter agony as he demanded, "Tell me."
"Have it your way," Carlisle simply stated before he nodded to us.
Edward turned to get out of Emmett's impending grasp, but ended in mine. I repositioned his arm, so that it was behind his body, while Carlisle got the other one. He frantically struggled to get out of our grasp, the sound of his body cracking filled the air in between his snarls, but we didn't let go.
"The door, please, Rose," Carlisle requested calmly only the smallest hint of disappointment and concern in his tone.
Rosalie opened the door, while Emmett walked backwards keeping a close eye on Edward, just in case.
Edward tried to turn and bite Carlisle and then myself, but both attempts were unsuccessful. Then he tried to get a bite out of Emmett when he got close enough. We all just moved and adjusted, very familiar, after all our training, with how to stay out of the way of teeth.
As a result of Edward's resistance, it was a slow progression. Once he was in the basement secure, Carlisle sent Rosalie to retrieve something.
"Please hunt before you come back, Rosalie," Carlisle requested in a fatherly tone. "You're healing too slowly and your eyes are too black."
She simply nodded in reply.
While she was gone, Emmett stood in front of the basement door blocking the way.
It seemed as if Edward had run himself out of energy, because he slumped against the corner furthest from the door and folded into a ball rocking himself, much like he had done before he had run off to find Victoria. Fortunately, despite the cracks that had been heard, I couldn't see any venom leaving him, and the sound of skin kitting itself together was clear, albeit too slowly to be healthy.
Then, he started muttering. He wasn't making any sense. Over an hour like this had passed when Carlisle whispered to me, "I think he's talking to Bella."
"Can we even hallucinate?" I mouthed to him.
"I would have said no, but now … possibly," Carlisle answered his tone suggesting that he was deep in thought. Many minutes passed between us before he spoke again in a quiet whisper this time with concern. "How are you doing my tender-hearted wife?"
"Struggling to reconcile the outcome of our actions with the death of all those newborns and our near loss of Bella," I told him honestly.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "You are a mama bear defending her cubs. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame. Personally, I am grateful that you were not hurt and that no lasting damage was done to our children."
After some musing over his words I told him, "To kill a human from bloodlust is one thing, Carlisle. To kill a newborn, because it is trying to kill my own is another thing entirely. In my head I understand that, but death by my hands, no matter the form it takes, is still death. I cannot help but wish that there had been another way and feel grieved at the death that I dealt to others."
Kissing my forehead, he uttered, "I loathe to kill, even to protect and defend, but I wish I could have killed everyone of those in your stead to save you this burden."
Sagging into him I told him, "I don't know how Jasper carries it. It is truly remarkable to me. He has decades of living this kind of vicious battle-ready life, and thousands of lives, if not tens of thousands, on his hands."
He laid his chin on top in my head. "That he does. And I have death carried out by my hands, my dear beloved."
"The one that Emmett had taken the arm off?" I verified.
"Yes, and the fifth that got to Jasper," he confirmed.
I took a sharp in breath surprised to learn that any newborns had gotten so close to Bella.
"After the fourth was decapitated, I saw the fifth almost at Jasper. He dropped Bella gently on the ground spun, took off the arms, and then spun once more following Riley who had grabbed Bella. I decapitated the newborn, before giving chase to Jasper."
"I also ended two," I told him sadly. Minutes passed between us, as we found solace in the other's arms. "I thought that I had lost you in that explosion," I admitted.
"I was not injured," he told me.
Pursing my lips I replied, "Perhaps, but when I found you your eyes were flat like you were dead."
"Hmmm," he mused. "Shock perhaps?"
"Like you said Bella was in the first day you saw her after we got back?" I asked confused at his words.
"Yes, similar," he confirmed. After a few moments of thought he added, "we could not possible have the some physiological symptoms of humans, but perhaps the intent of the reaction is the same. The body shuts down in order to protect the psyche. I was simply thinking that given vampire physiology, it is the closest diagnosis I could give."
"Yes, could be," I agreed slowly thinking about it carefully. "You were as still as a statue. Your eyes were flat as if you had died, even if you were physically well enough to not actually be ended. I would have never thought such a thing was possible."
"I as well," he agreed. "Since most vampires do not live in a family like ours, if our version of shock was ever experienced, no one would have witnessed it in a way to learn as we did." He said nothing for a few moments probably thinking over the hypothesis he had just uttered. Then, he kissed my hair. "I am sorry I worried you," he told me sorrowfully. Then he took in a deep breath. "Do you have it in your heart to forgive my actions against our daughter?"
"Yes, but the betrayal of trust has deeply wounded us," I told him.
He sighed. "I just couldn't lose her, Esme. I should have said something. I was terrified in a way that I cannot articulate that someone would say no. I was afraid she wouldn't agree. I was afraid of my own barbarian thoughts. It was much like when I found you in the morgue or Rosalie on the street. I would do anything, and I mean anything, even kill. I know it wasn't rational," he confessed. "I know it wasn't right. I just was unable to risk losing her."
I wrapped my hand around his knee and squeezed lightly. "Perhaps you, for the first time, are seeing yourself clearly Carlisle. This is the part of you that you denied when you left me at sixteen. You love and you love fiercely. Loving is scary and requires risking. That scares you, and you would do anything to keep that love. There's nothing reasonable or rational about it, but it is a part of who you are.
"Perhaps you hid your thoughts from us, because you weren't ready to face this in yourself. And although it is scary, it is noble. I don't agree with how you did it, and it will take time to heal the broken bonds of trust that you violated, but I am glad you did it. She or the rest of the kids might not be as generous as I, though, Carlisle."
"I know," he agreed resigned continuing to speak in a tone soft enough that neither Emmett nor Edward would be able to hear us. We stayed like that watching Edward until he told me in a volume that would be heard by the other two, "I need to go speak to Emmett."
Releasing him out of my grip, I let him go.
He sat on the step next to Emmett. "I apologise, Emmett for my actions. I hope you can one day forgive me."
"You're forgiven, pop. I get it. I do. If I had thought of the idea, I would have wanted to do the same thing. So, it's really not about that. What it is about is you not following your own rules. You talk about us working things through as a family, but at times you haven't done that yourself; you just have acted with no one else getting a say. You did it when you turned Esme. You did it again with Rosalie. And even with me. The way I see it, you can't have it both ways. You can't ask for us to work towards consensus and then act unilaterally."
Carlisle sat in silence waiting and listening. When it appeared that Emmett had nothing more to say he told him, "You are absolutely right, son. And as long as you are willing to stick around, I will endeavour to show you that I want to change. In those moments, I acted without conscious thought and, you're right, unilaterally. All these years, I never understood my actions or how I truly felt in those moments. Esme's imaginings awakened something with me that I am still struggling with. I am not perfect; I made mistakes. Thus, I cannot promise that I will not make another in the future, but I can confess that I am a better man than I used to be. I am working on it. I regretted it the moment after I did it."
"I'm glad you did do it, though, pop," Emmett admitted sorrowfully.
"Doesn't make it right," Carlisle retorted.
"No, it doesn't," Emmett agreed momentarily before adding, "but I like the alternative even less."
"Me as well," Carlisle concurred. "Still, I am sorry."
"You're forgiven. But come on, now, if Rosalie can change, so can you," Emmett countered in his usual light-hearted playful tone.
With that they both chuckled.
"You're a good son, brother, and husband," Carlisle told him sincerely and with pride. "Thank you, Emmett."
He just shrugged. Then they sat next to each other until we heard Rosalie knocking on the door.
"Bring him up," she ordered.
We approached Edward carefully.
"Edward," I offered softly, "you need to feed. We're going to bring you upstairs. Rosalie retrieved something for you."
Edward's only response was to stop his rocking. Emmett came over, wrapped his arms around him, lifted him off the ground, and brought him upstairs without much resistance. Once in the back, Emmett let Edward go and then stood behind him.
Not far past the porch was a paralysed buck.
Carlisle went over and slit an opening so that the blood started pulsing out.
Holding myself rigid, I hadn't realized how thirsty I was, but I would not take this from my son.
Edward seemed to have no response to it. Emmett picked him up from behind and brought him closer. Carlisle lifted the buck to Edward's lips. I noticed that Emmett was holding his breath. Carlisle repositioned the buck so that the blood was spurting into Edward's mouth. It took only a few more seconds before Edward's mouth clamped down and he drank eagerly.
"I brought another," Rosalie informed Carlisle.
He nodded.
She brought the second out from the woods.
Carlisle repeated the process. Only this time, it didn't take as much for Edward to drink it.
When Edward finished, he looked at Carlisle for the first time. "Carlisle?"
"Yes, I'm here, son," he answered.
"Why are you here in Forks?" he questioned his tone carrying an accusation.
"It's a long story. Are you well enough to hunt?" Carlisle inquired.
Edward seemed to become statuesque for a long time, as if lost again. When he twitched awake, he snarled. "Where's Bella?"
"First you need to hunt," Carlisle said sadly and softly.
"Where's Bella?" he snarled, before he started thrashing against Emmett.
"Not this again," Emmett muttered. "Basement?"
"Basement," Carlisle agreed sadly.
Once we were in the basement and Emmett had let go, Edward started pacing.
"Emmett? Please go hunt yourself and bring back as many as you are able," Carlisle requested.
He grunted and left.
Rosalie took up what had been Emmett's spot.
Edward started muttering to himself again. At least this time he made some more sense. I heard things like "Bella, should have been there, where would they be keeping her, she was supposed to be happy, why wasn't she at home."
We said nothing and let him pace. His behaviour gave no indication that he even recognised that we were in the room.
After a bit, Carlisle went and sat down next to Rosalie.
"How's you're hand?" Carlisle checked softly.
"Fine," she stated gruffly.
"May I check?" he asked gently.
She huffed, but showed him her hand.
He took longer than he would have otherwise, checking her as slowly as he would have done me, perhaps attempting to convey his care and love for her in this way.
"You healed it well," he commended her. "You also healed Emmett's wounds well. Care to share your trick?"
"I licked them after the venom starts putting them together. It creates a sealant and helps with the bonding."
"I'm impressed, Rosalie," he praised her. "Great thinking."
"Thanks," she replied curtly.
After a few minutes had passed, following him letting go of her hand, he admitted, "I messed up big time."
"Yes, yes you did," she agreed without bitterness in her tone, just sad resignation.
"I cannot say how sorry I am Rose. I sincerely apologise. I should have overcome my fear and said something," he confessed.
"Yes," she agreed her tone hard.
"I'm so sorry, Rose," he repeated.
A while passed before she spoke. When she did it was the saddest, smallest voice I had ever heard from her. "Why? How could you violate her like that? You violated Esme, me, and now her in a similar fashion, taking away choice in your arrogant belief that you knew better than us in order to save us? What if she didn't want saving? What if she didn't want saving in that way? How could you?" she asked her tone completely defeated.
He hung his head. "I was scared. I didn't want to lose you when I came across you in the street. I didn't want to lose her. It was irrational, and foolish, and a violation. You're right. I allowed my fear of loss to overwhelm my capacity to reason."
"We need you to be better than that. I need you to better than that. I need you to be noble and righteous, even when you're scared, even when it's inconvenient, even when you risk everything. Otherwise, it tarnishes what we're building by being a family, by being vegetarian. Never once did you lie to Victoria. Sure, you might not have given her all the information, but you did not lie. How can you not lie to your enemy, but lie to your family?" Her tone was a strange mix between hurt, angry, and defeated.
When he spoke his voice was shaky. "There are no reasons, no excuses. My behaviour was inapproachable. I deserve your scorn. I know. Nevertheless, I am asking for your forgiveness. I am not me without you, Rose. I know we've had a difficult relationship at times, but in my heart, you are my daughter. It would devastate me to lose you."
She nodded stiffly. "I'll try."
"That's all I'm asking," he told her his relief clear in this tone. "And I believe that I have learned my lesson. I hope that you will give me the opportunity to show you that I have changed."
"I'm not going anywhere," she retorted as if irritated.
He patted her knee and stayed next to her keeping watch.
It took a while, but Emmett's knock could finally be heard. Rosalie went out and watched over the animals while Emmett went to retrieved Edward.
"No you, don't," Edward snarled as soon as Emmett was within arms reach.
"You must feed," Carlisle insisted.
Edward growled and got into a crouch.
"Fine. The hard way," Emmett sneered.
Edward moved right only to find Emmett behind him.
Carlisle chuckled. "Nice move, Emmett. That might not work a second time, though."
Emmett nodded, but carried a fighting Edward up the stairs.
At one point, I heard the cracking of skin.
"Not too hard, Emmett," Carlisle admonished.
"Well tell him to stop fighting me," Emmett argued back.
When we got to the yard Carlisle repeated the process of feeding Edward. With each deer, Edward resisted the blood less. By the forth Edward didn't seem to be able to take more, rather than him resisting.
"Esme? Are you thirsty?" Carlisle asked.
I nodded sadly.
"Come, finish this one," he offered to me.
Nodding in defeat, my mind wished that I was stronger to resist. However, my body's desire for blood was so keen. I downed the rest of the one Edward had started. It was hard to stop even when the blood ran dry, as I wasn't full by any means, but I did feel slightly improved.
"Better?" Carlisle asked after I finished.
"Yes, thank you," I let him know.
Carlisle gave me a look that I hadn't seen since I was a newborn. It was a cross between concern and calculated disbelief of my words.
Edward had seemed calmer while he had drank and even more so as Emmett carried him downstairs, but he wasn't himself by any means.
Once Emmett released Edward in the middle of the room, he just stood there statuesque.
"I'm going to hunt and bring some back," Carlisle stated.
We nodded and the three of us sat on the steps blocking the door.
"I'm proud of you both for being willing to forgive Carlisle," I told them.
"Humph," was Rosalie's reply.
"We all make mistakes. We all have to give each other room to learn and grow," I reminded them.
"But he's Carlisle. He's not supposed to make mistakes," Rosalie whined.
"Well, then these six months have been a lesson in the fallacy that is Carlisle Cullen. He is just as imperfect as you or I, Rose. But he leads us well. He is good at his role. To trust him again, as we have these past decades, will take time. Nevertheless, I truly believe he learned his lesson. He might be slow to learn, but once he does, he doesn't repeat the same mistake twice. Not all of us can say that, Rose," I pointed out.
I wrapped my arm around her and she lay on my shoulder, while she and Emmett held hands.
"So, what are we going to do about under-fed crazy boy over there?" Emmett asked.
"He might not understand, Emmett, but his brain is still recording everything, including our thoughts. Be wise, please," I softly admonished him.
"I'm out of practice," he admitted.
"Then, shall we tell stories?" I suggested.
They both smiled.
"Tell me something from your adventures, even if you've already told it," I recommended.
"Well, there was this one time …" Emmett began.
Maybe it was Emmett's way of storytelling, or maybe it was having all of our minds thinking about the same thing. No matter the reason, Edward moved back to the corner, sat down, and wrapped his arms around his legs, but there was no rocking and no mutterings. Emmett was a halfway through an adventure in Mongolia when Carlisle knocked. This time Edward didn't resist and allowed Emmett to carry him to the waiting deer. He didn't hesitate and drank three without complaint.
"May I?" I asked Carlisle demurely, indicating the forth.
"Of course, dear," he said lovingly.
Pouncing and drinking quickly, I was embarrassed at my lack of etiquette in front of them and in allowing my thirst to get the better of me.
Carlisle smiled at me sadly when I let go of the buck, and my eyes dropped embarrassed.
Edward offered no resistance when Emmett carried him back down.
"Please love, don't be embarrassed. You've been the most patient of us all. We understand; you have nothing to be ashamed about. It was only a deer," he murmured into my ear too quietly for Emmett, Rosalie, or Edward to hear.
I nodded that his words had been received.
After Edward was settled in the basement once more, Carlisle stated with little room for argument, "Rosalie? Your turn." His lack of offering for me to go, I suspected, had to do with his fears that something might still happen to me. Simultaneously, his statement showed his improvement in comparison to what he had done to Bella and how he was still making decisions from a place of fear.
"Can Mom come?" she asked modestly, somehow aware of my state and that pointing it out openly might upset both Carlisle and I, while appealing to him from her role of daughter.
Carlisle evaluated Edward, as if Edward's condition held the answer, and nodded.
"Emmett, tell more stories. That seemed to help," I instructed while I walked out the door.
He nodded dutifully.
"I need to run some, but I don't want to go to far," I told Rosalie once we had crossed the creek.
"I'd like a run as well," she agreed.
Running together, I enjoyed the scenery and sounds of this part of the forest. We had reached the zenith of a mountainside when Rosalie stopped. Standing next to her, we surveyed as far as we could see.
"You handled Carlisle well just then," I commended her.
"Well, he usually doesn't order us around like that. I figured, even though I'm upset, that you were right. I just don't get it. How did you forgive him for doing something to your body against your will?" Rosalie asked softly.
"Because I know his intention was to save, not to harm. And he did save me, Rose. I would have died otherwise. My life as a Cullen is better than I had as a human. It's hard some days, nearly deadly like fourteen hours ago, but most days are filled with love and joy and blessings."
She stood with her arms crossed over her. "If I forgive him completely, then it's like letting go of my dreams."
"No, Rose. Forgiveness is letting go the belief that he owes you something for what happened."
"I kind of forced him to pay that debt when he changed Emmett," she admitted.
"Did that help your heart?" I wondered.
"Some," she confessed reluctantly after some thought.
"What do you have to lose by letting go of the rest?" I pressed her.
She said nothing for a while. "I don't trust him like I did," she disclosed when she spoke again.
"Neither do I," I divulged allowing her change of topic. "It's the hardest part of being the leader, Rose. If you fail or mess up, the blow isn't so much in comparison to when he does. He knows he messed up. He's attempting to make amends. What more can we ask? Trust is built. Hopefully over time he will show us that he is once again worthy of our trust."
Her scowl deepened and then her body relaxed. "Let's go catch us some deer."
I smiled. "I like your plan." I let Rosalie lead. I took two for myself, although I did feel a little slushy. Rosalie took one more. We caught and brought back two each. The sun had set by the time we got home. Rosalie went and banged on the door while I kept watch over the deer. I felt bad that they were paralyzed and in terror, but it seemed the best way of doing things out of our options.
Edward seemed to be in the same state he had been when we had left. He drank each fairly slowly, but managed to take all four. For the first time his eyes showed the smallest specs of gold in them.
As we were travelling back to the basement, Edward spoke. "You know, you don't have to carry me. I'd go willingly if you asked."
Emmett huffed.
When Emmett put Edward down Carlisle stood in front of him. "We did, son, many times; you refused. You need blood."
Edward sighed. "Will you at least tell me why you are holding me prisoner?"
Carlisle looked thoughtful. "What can you tell me about where you're being held?"
"It's a basement," Edward replied perfunctorily.
"True," Carlisle confirmed. "Can you tell me your name?"
Edward looked at him confused.
"What are you called?" Carlisle asked, this line of questioning confusing me.
"You call me son," Edward answered hesitantly as if he wasn't sure.
"I do, but that's not your name. It's a title."
Edward looked around as if the answer was in the room somewhere. "Perhaps Edward, but I can't be sure," he finally said.
"What else can you tell us?" Carlisle questioned.
"I need Bella," he stated emphatically.
"Who's Bella?" Carlisle asked softly.
"She's a girl. She had brown hair and big expressive brown eyes," Edward answered looking almost befuddled at his own words.
"Do you know why you need her?" Carlisle pressed.
"No, just that I do," he answered sadly.
"That's enough for now," Carlisle assured Edward before asking, "Do you like Emmett's stories?"
"Yes, they're funny and they quiet the voices," Edward answered.
Carlisle smiled sadly. We exchanged a look. Carlisle's questions, or rather Edward's lack of answers, made it clear that Edward still wasn't himself. Hopefully, we would get him back.
"I will tell a story about a young man I met while Emmett gets you more blood." He turned to Emmett. "Take all the time you need."
"Can Rose come?" Emmett asked with longing in his voice.
Carlisle's mouth twitched. "No, Em, not this time. I know the feeling, but we need to focus. One thing at a time."
"Fine," he answered in almost a whine. He lightly stomped as he left to be silly and complain a little.
"So, I was going to tell a story about a young man I met in 1918. I was living in Chicago …" Carlisle began.
Carlisle was up to the point when Edward's mother asked Carlisle to save him when Emmett knocked.
"Can you come upstairs without assistance, please?" Carlisle asked Edward.
He nodded, stood, and walked towards us. Carlisle walked in front and Rosalie and I walked behind. When we got outside, we stood in an almost closed circle around Edward and the deer.
"Can you take it yourself, or do you need me to cut it open again?" Carlisle asked.
"I don't know how to …" Edward admitted sheepishly.
"Listen to the sounds of the deer and take in the scent. Then let your instincts do the rest," Carlisle instructed very much like he had me when I had been a newborn.
Edward looked at Carlisle with an eyebrow raised and his face contorted as a result of his concentration.
Carlisle looked at Emmett, and Emmett moved behind Edward just in case.
Edward stood looking at the beast for a few minutes. It seemed as if nothing was happening. Then like a light switch, Edward growled and pounced. He drank greedily as if it had been weeks since his last feed rather than four hours. When he finished he snarled at us in warning.
"There is another for you," Carlisle instructed as he moved that deer to show another a few feet away.
Edward pounced like a cat onto the next meal drinking almost as greedily. The next two he needed no prompting.
When he turned around, he was more of a mess than I had ever seen, but his eyes were clearer and they were nearly a fourth filled with gold flecks.
"What are you guys doing here?" Edward asked somewhere between a snarl and confusion.
"Alice told us that you were on your way. She was concerned that you hadn't fed in a while and might be a danger to the humans here," Carlisle explained. "Can we go inside, please? I have some questions for you."
"Okay. Where's Alice then?" Edward asked beginning to follow Carlisle inside.
"We don't know," Carlisle said simply leading the way down the basement stairs.
"You don't know?" Edward grumbled.
"No, it's a long story," Carlisle answered.
After Carlisle was Edward, and then Rosalie, and I with Emmett last.
"What is that about?" Edward pressed upset and annoyed reaching the basement floor while Emmett closed the door behind us.
"What is what?" Carlisle replied calmly turning around to face him.
"Flashes about Bella, Victoria, and mutts," he told us, but with a tone of disbelief.
"You've missed a lot, Edward," Carlisle told him his voice sounding like he was worn down.
"Why the basement?" Edward asked looking around at us suspiciously.
His willingness to so easily let go of what he had picked up in our memories concerned me, as it seemed so unlike him.
"You haven't been yourself," Carlisle told him causing Edward to focus on Carlisle.
"Okay," Edward answered drawing out the word sounding slightly confused and petulant.
Rosalie along with Emmett guarded the door; I moved to stand slightly behind Carlisle's left, while Carlisle started with his questions.
"Can you tell me your name?"
"Which one?" Edward responded with a snarky tone.
"Please," Carlisle stated with authority.
"You're serious?" Edward asked incredulously.
"Afraid so," Carlisle confirmed.
"Fine, have it your way," Edward retorted irritated. "I was born Edward Anthony Masen. But I usually use your name, Cullen. We've also used Hale, Whitlock, McCarty, and Carlysle."
"Thank you. Do you know where you are?"
Edward rolled his eyes. "You're serious?" he gripped.
"Yes," Carlisle said sadly.
"We are in the basement we have for containment, if ever necessary, in our home in Forks."
"Where were you before coming to Forks yesterday?" Carlisle pressed.
"Brazil, I think. But I don't remember travelling here," Edward answered less sure of himself and had begun to look worried.
"Do you remember who we are?" Carlisle pressed.
"Seriously?" Edward answered indignantly.
"Yes," Carlisle replied sternly.
Carlisle's tone caused Edward to appear concerned and as he answered sounded serious. "You are Doctor Carlisle Cullen." He looked at me and smiled. "Esme Anne Platt Cullen, nee Evenson. Emmett McCarty Cullen. Rosalie Lillian Hale Cullen. Satisfied?" he asked irritated once more.
"Nearly," Carlisle answered. "When's the last time you saw us?"
"I saw you and Esme in November before I went to hunt Victoria," he stated in a tone suggesting that Carlisle's questions were ridiculous.
We must have thought of Victoria again because Edward quickly snarled. "What was that?"
"We'll get to that Edward," Carlisle admonished. "Please continue."
"Rosalie and Emmett I last saw in September," he huffed and then winced.
"Why did you return to Forks?" Carlisle pressed.
"I'm not sure," he answered looking confused again.
"You were repeating that you needed Bella," Carlisle divulged.
Edward looked horrified, most likely from our mental images of him.
"What are your intentions, Edward?" Carlisle pressed.
"I'm not sure," Edward admitted appearing baffled at his own uncertainty.
"You're not sure?" Carlisle was looking at him steadily.
"I don't remembering coming here. I'm a little confused, honestly," Edward admitted.
"Well, whatever your intention were, what are they now?" Carlisle pushed.
"I'm not sure," he replied sounding confused.
"You're not sure?" Carlisle repeated.
"No, sir," Edward replied sounding very much a young man from his era being scolded.
"Did you assume that nothing would change while you were gone? That you'd come back, check on Bella, and then go on your merry way again." Carlisle's tone was stern.
"I don't know," Edward answered despondently. "I just seemed to find myself here."
"Even with that being the case, the thing is Edward that you choose to leave. You choose to lie to the woman you loved. Noble intentions or not, you hurt her. She is not the same as you left her. More importantly, you are not well."
"How is that possible?" he asked bewildered.
"I don't know Edward, but I do know that when you arrived you didn't know your name, you didn't know who we were, and you attacked us. You are to stay in this space except to feed, which we will bring to you. If you can show that you can hunt and stay with us, then we will permit you to hunt your own meals. You have lost our trust, son. You have to earn it back. It won't be easy."
"What about Bella?" he asked sadly his shoulders slumped.
"You left, Edward. You lied. There are consequences. If you can successfully demonstrate the basic things that I just described, then we can have a discussion about other things," Carlisle answered.
"All right," Edward replied resigned. "If this is what it will take, then I will do what you're asking."
"That's a good start, Edward. I'm glad. First, I want you to listen to a story," Carlisle told him.
"A story?" Edward parroted sounding disbelieving.
"Yes, a story. Esme imagined something powerful and it has changed all of our lives. This is where we need to begin," Carlisle explained.
"All right," Edward answered defeated.
I started telling the story of my imagining at the same pace I had told the family. It took a little over eighteen days. In the beginning, Edward fed every six hours, so that caused delays. Edward also interrupted, despite Carlisle's instructions. Each time he did, Carlisle asked me start again. We also had family meetings regarding our future plans and what we needed to do next. The main topics were moving and Bella. The meetings were odd. First, because they were held in the basement, since we were unwilling to leave Edward alone yet. Second, because Edward didn't get a vote, since Carlisle had told him that until I finished the story he had lost his right to speak or vote in family meetings, which irritated Edward to no end. The third odd part was that Edward didn't understand much of our conversation, something that had never happened before in our family.
On Monday after the battle, Carlisle started back to work, but he would join the Edward vigil when he was home. That same Monday, Alice decided that Bella was safe to bring back to Forks. Charlie had been told that they had spent the weekend shopping in Victoria. In reality, Bella had been in the hospital under a false name that Jasper had set up just in case. Other than a blood transfusion and some stitches, she seemed to need little else.
Carlisle asked Bella to meet him at the hospital the day after she got back, explained what he had done and why, apologised, and removed it. She forgave him, but the damage was done.
Carlisle also apologised to Alice and Jasper. I think out of everyone Jasper understood it the best and was the angriest.
Alice picked the new house with some of Rosalie's input and Jasper's connections.
Emmett stayed with Edward and I practically all the time; sometimes Rosalie would join us.
A few days after Bella's talk with Carlisle, I took a break from being with Edward and took Bella out to lunch in Port Angeles. While I was gone, Emmett promised me that he would tell Edward stories of his and Rosalie's travels.
"How are you Bella?" I asked her once we were settled in our seats and our orders taken.
"Truth?" she asked.
"Always," I confirmed.
"Hurt, angry, disappointed, but I get it, right? I'm here. I'm alive. That should count for something." Her eyes dropped and I could see the confliction within her.
Reaching across the table, I waited until she looked up and keeping eye contact told her, "I completely understand what you mean."
She searched my eyes, and then I saw as she made the connection. "You do, don't you? Rosalie too."
"Yes, Rosalie too," I agreed.
"Quite the club," Bella muttered.
"Yes, but he's learning. He makes mistakes. We make ours. None of us are perfect. How did the conversation with him go?" I asked curious to get her perspective.
She smiled sadly. "You know, in a strange kind of way, it's kind of like he did something a father would do. On one hand, his actions show how much he cares about me, but on the other hand, I'm not seven and I get a say, especially about my body. So, honestly, his apology just made things more confusing. It is strange that I trust him even more, since I now know he would do really anything to keep me safe, and yet I'm madder at him than I have been at anyone, and more hurt than I ever have been."
"All of that makes perfect sense to me. Ironically, I have felt somewhat similar. The greatest strength and weakness about my husband is that he's not always in touch with his heart and how he feels. He's working on it, but on rare occasions when he feels something strongly, it is as if it overpowers him and he loses all capacity to see things rationally." Pausing and measuring her I asked, "Is it even more than Edward leaving?" hoping she was ready to talk about his actions, even though we hadn't yet told her he had been in the basement coming up to a week.
Her head went down and she covered her face with her hair as she told me, "Yes, see with Edward our relationship never really made sense to me. His words weren't a betrayal, as much as a confirmation."
Reaching across the table I covered her hand with mine. "Thanks for telling me that, Bella. I'm sure that was hard for you to admit."
She let out a huge breath and looked up at me through her hair. "I so love being a part of your family, Esme, but he's going to return one day, and the reasons why he left are still going to be there, you know? He was your first son in this life, I don't want you make you choose."
"Bella," I called to her forcing her to look at me. "I've said this before, but I will say it again. You couldn't possibly cause me to choose. Edward and Rosalie don't always get along, but that doesn't stop us from living together as a family. I don't know what the future holds, but you will always have a space in our home."
With tears streaming down her face she nodded.
"And the rest?" I pressed.
"Since everything, Jake's come round. He doesn't like it, but he gets it, you know?"
I just nodded not wanting to impede her flow.
"I'm going to continue to work, so I have my own money at college, even with my scholarship," she dripped the word with sarcasm. "I want to have my own money."
"Sounds wise," I agreed understanding her point of view on this matter.
She nodded seeming pleased that she had won that battle. "But my Dad's over the moon that I'm going to college and that he doesn't have to worry about school debt. So, thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Life moves on, you know?" she mused.
"Yes, it does. You went through a lot. If you need to talk more about it, I'm here," I reminded her.
She squeezed my hand. "I know, but most of all I'm relieved. I feel like my head is off the chopping block. I'm going to enjoy college, learn, grow, keep figuring me out, ask for help when I need it, make mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and prepare myself for the life I want after college."
"You sure you still want it?" I checked.
"Yes," she said with the absolute certainty that can only be found in adolescents. "I have things to work through with Carlisle. Rosalie and I still aren't best buds. Thinking about Edward is still hard. I don't know my place yet, but yes."
"Just keep following your own heart and examining what's best for you," I encouraged her, "but know that it's also okay, if you change your mind. You know we'll support you no matter what."
"Yes, I know, thank you Esme," she replied her voice soft.
"Bella, I need to tell you something difficult," I informed her.
The colour drained from her face. "It's about Edward, isn't it?" she asked pausing only briefly at his name.
"Yes," I confirmed.
"Is he all right?" she asked her voice rising in tone.
"Kind of," I told her truthfully. "He's alive. He's not dead. But he's not well. He's lost time, he forgot his name, he didn't know who we were, all of which should be impossible. We think it was because he hadn't consumed anything in so long. I'm so sorry, but for all our sakes, including his and yours, we can't have you see him until he's the Edward we all know. Right now we have to bring him his meals. Having his singer around would be too temping, and thus a terrible risk. One we are unwilling to make."
"Like Carlisle did for you in the beginning?" she asked in verification.
"Yes," I agreed glad to see her making the connection.
She nodded sadly. "Can I still come over and spend the night?" she asked.
The night before we had an awkward family meeting in the basement regarding this issue. The concern of Bella's scent in the house was primary. Emmett had wisely pointed out that until Edward could behave around any human scent, he had to stay in the basement, so Bella was a good test. We all had looked at Edward wearily, but eventually agreed with Emmett.
"Yes, but you have to be in your room with the door locked anytime he feeds," I told Bella. "And someone has to guard him at all times, so it won't quite be the same."
"Understood," she said looking very sad.
"We're not intentionally keeping the two of you apart," I informed her in case she believed that.
"I know," she stated glumly.
"Then what is it?" I queried.
"I'm afraid that I'll get my heart broken again when I do see him, despite what Jasper said. I still love him, even if he doesn't love me."
Unwilling to argue with her about her perceptions of Edward's sentiments of her, I instead told her, "Well, my dear, we are far from having that conversation. I can tell you that he believed that us leaving you was the best for you and that it was an act of love. Unfortunately, many of Carlisle's weaknesses are Edward's, except Edward is younger and less mentally flexible than Carlisle."
She looked at me speculatively with her mouth open a little.
"I think it might have to do with the state Edward was in when Carlisle found him and saved him," I informed Bella. "I think Edward clung to Carlisle's mind in many ways, and shaped himself after Carlisle, but I could be wrong." Pausing, I allowed that idea to settle in her. "You also have to know, Bella, that Edward is particularly immature. Jasper and Emmett had, in many ways, taken on the responsibilities of manhood. Edward hadn't. I suspect that he was spoiled and sheltered by his mother, and that his father worked too much. That isn't unusual for a family of his social class and being an only child."
She moved her hair and with a puzzled look asked me, "What are you telling me Esme?"
"That although he has an old soul, there are ways that he is immature. One thing that these last months have made me realized is that I probably contributed to his lack of growth, as I have had a tendency to be lenient with him. Looking back, I think that he overshadowed you, and if you and him are to move forward, I want you to hold your own with him. In my opinion, he will need you to continue to grow into the amazing woman you are developing into, and he will need to grow out of his immaturities, if he is to be worthy of you."
She looked like I had spoken into her soul and had turned her world upside down. "I would do anything for him," she whispered.
"There's a big difference between infatuation and love, Bella, although they can sometimes feel similar. In love there is respect, appreciation, kindness, and a desire for the other person to become their best. I want you two to have that," I stated in my mothering tone. "When you love someone, sometimes what you need to do for the other is to make yourself stronger and more whole. No person, even a soul mate, completes us. It took me a long time to find that strength within me. I want that for you."
She nodded and then right as I went on to speak mumbled, "That sounds impossible."
Saying nothing, I squeezed her hand the slightest amount in support. When she seemed calmer I added, "Sometimes life asks the impossible of us, that's when we lean on each other. This is Carlisle's lesson."
Her mouth opened to a little o and her eyes widened.
Smiling at her, I hoped that my words helped her understand my husband better and gave her courage for the future. I told her, "I'll tell you what? I'll keep you updated and let you know as soon as he's more himself. In the mean time, you can be an asset to the family by giving your input on what you need. All right?"
She smiled. "Sure, Esme, sure."
"I love you. You are so brave," I praised her.
She looked down at her coffee. "Thanks, Esme."
More than two weeks passed after our conversation when things were almost the same as they had been before the confrontation with Victoria and her newborn army. Bella was at our house regularly, but struggled to be around Carlisle. Any time she came over, I would stop my time with Edward and spend time with her. Also when she was there, we would catch her up on the progress with getting ready for college and how Edward was doing. We took in her requests for housing near campus, but she gave no input regarding Edward, which seemed unusual, given her strong reaction and desire for input when it had come to his cover story. Hopefully, that meant she was coming to trust Carlisle and my wisdom more, despite her anger towards him.
Alice hardly ever searched Bella's future, especially if they were together, and she allowed herself to make mistakes and then enjoy having Bella and her laugh at them. My heart felt full, except for Edward who still had healing to do and amends to make up one day.
We settled on a house outside of Bellingham, Washington a few days before I finished my story. Emmett left Edward to put in a basement into the new location. The rest of the kids spent that first weekend after closing on the house, and the next week working on the new place. Bella joined them for that Monday to Wednesday. They came home the following weekend, but the next week I went and oversaw the changes, so Alice and Jasper stayed with Edward.
We were ready to move to Bellingham the weekend after Labour Day. By that time, Bella had put in her notice at Newton's. Also by then, Edward could go a whole twenty-four hours and be fed once. His eyes were butterscotch most of the time. He was getting stronger, which sometimes meant he fought Carlisle's instructions more.
After I finished my story, Edward demanded that he be permitted to see Bella.
"No," Carlisle stated authoritatively. "This is where the family was in December. You still have all of January through July to learn."
Everyone but Edward was impressed with Carlisle's response. It seemed like seeing these changes in Carlisle was helping their healing process. Edward, on the other hand, snarled and fought and argued only to find himself pinned every time by Carlisle throughout the whole night. It only added to his frustration, but it seemed like a contest that had been brewing for a hundred years. Eventually by the time the sun rose, Edward conceded. Carlisle said he would start. He explained his response to my story, how it had changed him, and the errors he believed he had made. He apologised to Edward. Edward seemed more confused than ever. Carlisle's description of how the story had changed him changed Edward's attitude. He was more compliant. In the midst of everything else, the kids each took turns telling Edward how the story had changed him or her. The process seemed good for Edward, but also for each of them.
It was a week before we moved that Edward hunted for himself for the first time, since his return to Forks. Of course, he patiently searched trails until he found a mountain lion. He seemed more himself after that, although not yet completely.
That first semester in Bellingham was rough, schedule wise, in order to keep an eye on Edward and with Carlisle still working in Forks, but we made it work. Edward's movement from Forks to Bellingham had been like travelling with a newborn. It took all of us, Jasper's influence, and a bucket load of patience. Him being in Bellingham made it easier on the family to keep an eye on him, but it also seemed to do Bella good to have him near. Fortunately, since the move, Edward had resigned himself to his new room. We brought him his music and books, and tried to help him adjust. We celebrated Bella's nineteenth birthday party without paper cuts and Edward locked in the basement of the new place, since he was still acting feral to her scent alone.
Bella seemed to really thrive. She got a little part-time job in a coffee shop, took her classes, went out with friends, even went to a few parties, and used our place to crash mostly. She got stronger, and although she never forgot Edward was there, she trusted us, and most of all she trusted herself.
It took until October for me to have a chance to check in with each of my kids. Rosalie was working at forgiving Carlisle, but there seemed to be an understanding of him that hadn't there before. Emmett, true to his word, seemed to have let it go and moved on. Alice, too, had quickly forgiven and moved on. Bella worked hard at reconciling with Carlisle, and they spent time just the two of them talking over majors and possible careers for her, whether she remained human or became a vampire. Jasper was another story. He had forgiven Carlisle easily, telling him that he understood completely, but there was something there. One day when it was just Jasper and I in the house with Edward in the basement, I asked him about it.
"Esme, do you remember the family meeting that happened after Edward saved Bella from the van?" he asked as a way of an answer.
"Yes," I confirmed.
"I argued for Bella's death," he reminded me. Then, taking a pause, he told me, "It was only when I had thought that Victoria had outsmarted us that I truly realized how much these months have changed me. The rational part of me, the strategist and warrior admires Carlisle for what he did, but the husband part of me that knows how much she means to my wife and how I see her as part of the family was indignant." His whole body moved as if confessing a great sin. He must have picked up my confusion, because he added, "Never before in my life have I been indignant. I've done lots of horrible things to lots of individuals, even as a human. Warriors don't have room for empathy. You finish the mission. For the first time in my life, I saw the world from Carlisle's point of view, him trying to balance war with relationships and individuals and honour and valour. In that second, I also saw, in a way, that I would have never before, how he failed us all. He was willing to sacrifice our bonds and our trust because of his fear."
There was nothing to say. He was completely right.
His voice quieted even more as he told me, "More than anything, what happened, opened my eyes to the cost I have paid to be a warrior, and I am no longer sure I like the price. I'm angry, Esme, not at him so much, but at myself, at my superiors, at Maria, at everyone before Alice."
Putting my hand on his shoulder, I conjured my love and admiration for him. "You have paid a great price; there's no denying that. It is the price of being a warrior. And maybe it doesn't mean much, but I appreciate it. Without you being a warrior, Carlisle couldn't be a diplomat. I hope one day our world no longer needs warriors, but until then I am more grateful than could be expressed."
He nodded slightly.
"Till then, Jasper, I'd recommend you take your own advice to heart and find a way to let go of what you have no control over. You are a warrior, but you are also a husband, brother, son, philosopher, historian, and empath. You can retire the warrior and step into another part of who you are, and we will all hope that we will never need you to be the warrior again. But, if we do, then I hope by then that you are proud of how your past, no matter how painful, has allowed you to keep Alice and this family alive. The price was high, but hopefully the reward has been higher."
He nodded slightly and sent me his cocktail of appreciation, familial connection, and tranquillity.
Over the semester, Carlisle began to make the necessary steps to earn each of our trust again. Jasper and him seemed to engage in more conversations than before. It seemed to be helping them both find a balance within themselves.
It took till almost Christmas by the time Edward had heard all of our stories, and was more of the Edward that we remembered. Fortunately, all of his symptoms had left and he appeared to have healed both physically and mentally. Selfishly, I hoped that over the next year he would work to heal his betrayal of his own love for Bella, and thereby repair his relationship with her. It was bound to be a difficult process, but I thought it would do them both good, irrelevant of the choices they might make as individuals or as a couple. When I paused long enough to really consider what that might look like for Edward, one thing was for sure, if Edward's behaviour thus far was any indication, it was bound to be a doozy. I also couldn't help but think about what this next year might bring. I hoped no more hell-bent crazy vampires, no Volturi, and no newborns.
I eventually did get to tell Bella my story. We seemed to grow closer as a result. I also showed her my paintings of her. Although the last one made her sad that Edward wasn't there, she loved them. I suspected that they allowed her to see how much she had matured.
Whether I got my wishes for a peaceful non-eventful next year or not, no matter what happened, life would go on. We had each other. We would grow. We would fight together, if necessary. We would hope. We would love. We would have faith. I couldn't ask for more.
A/N: I cannot thank you enough for your support. Your encouragement has meant so much to me, especially as there were so many RL stressors in my life during the posting of this story.
I cannot ever say enough about kiwihipp, who has tirelessly read through 36 chapters of this AU without anything but a thanks. So, as a way of demonstrating my gratitude, I have written a story upon her request. It will begin in 1911 and be about Carlisle and Esme. On kiwihipp's behalf, Carlisle will have even more heart, and thus be braver, than he was in Even More Heart. I have yet to come up with a summary yet, or even a title, but I would say that it's about Carlisle's struggle with being more than a man of science. Likely I won't start posting it till late June/early July. I look forward to you enjoying that story when it starts.
As always, please share me your thoughts. A writer is nothing but a hobbiest without readers.
P.S. (14Oct17) I was talking with Goldielover about how Bella and Edward's relationship is left unresolved at the end of this chapter, and I told her that in my head had planned writing a third story from this AU that would be in Edward's or Bella's pov about 2007, but as the first two parts (ALMH and then this one) received so little readership, it seemed like there wasn't an audience for it, so I didn't write it. However, if there is enough people interested, even though it's a theme other writers have already explored, then I might be persuaded to write it. ;-)
P.S.S. (11 June 18) A few people have asked for a third installment, so I started an outline, but am stuck. Maybe after the new Esme and Carlisle story is posted I'll be inspired once more.
