Hey, so here's another chapter. I have beta now so thanks so much to melody425. Please review! Enjoy

CHAPTER 10 - Into The Ocean - Blue October

Don't Stay - Linkin Park

Abby's journal -

You know, sometimes life just sucks. For lack of a better word, it just plain
sucks.

You're going along the road, your life is good. Yeah there are a few things
to complain about, a couple bumps here and there, but over all it's pretty
good.

Then 'BOOM'. Before you know it you're down, flat on your face. And you
can't get up. You try, but something is pushing you down again and no matter
how strong you are, you can't get up.

When you're finally up on your own two feet again, you're bruised and
broken. It takes time to heal and when you're close to being 100% better you
fall off the side of the cliff, right into the ocean.

One big problem: You can't swim.

So you float there for a couple of days analyzing your life and thinking of
ways to change it.

Every once in a while you cry out for help, but no one comes and you start to
sink.

A couple of times you can even feel the bottom of the ocean at your feet.

But somehow you make it to the top and you can feel the sun on your face.

Someone throws you a life vest, but it's off in the distance and the closer
you get to it the farther away it seems to be and you're slowly running out
of strength.

When you make it to the life vest and you're sitting on the deck of the
boat that saved you, someone yells abandon ship.

It's starting to sink.

One way or another, life gets you.

Before you know it, your life is like a bad dream and you can't seem to wake
up.

You feel like you want to die. You feel like giving up and that scares you
even more.

Sometimes the thing that pushes you down and over the edge of the cliff, the
thing that puts a hole in your ship, is the thing you're fighting to keep.

The thing that you're fighting for.

For me, it's family.

You think it would be easier if you weren't even alive. Sometimes I hate
them and just want to end everything, but it's because of them that I can't.

I love them more than I'm mad at them. Some of the thoughts that go through
my head scare the ** out of me.

Would it be easier if I wasn't here?

Do they really know me?

Do they really see me?

Am I just another thing to think about?

Do I matter?

But the thing is, I know the answer to all of those.

Yeah it might be easier if I wasn't here, but they love me and they want me
here.

Well, at least I like to think they do.

They do know and see me, just not the real me because I don't show them.

Yeah I am another thing to think about, but I'm family to think about, not
just a something.

Yes, I do matter, I'm the one that doesn't think I do.

Yesterday, Liz (Abby's sister) got her acceptance letter for the mission
trip.

Mom asked me where I wanted to go. I said I didn't know, so she asked if I
wanted to go on a mission trip. I said maybe, and then she seemed disappointed
in me.

I felt like yelling at her, "I'm not my sister and I never will be! I'm my
own person!"

Throughout the day she kept talking about Liz and the trip. She said she
didn't want me to feel left out or like she was favoring Liz over me.

A little late for that when you can't stop talking about it.

I need them to notice me, that's all I want. But I know if they do, I'll want
them to leave me alone.

I hate not knowing how I feel or what I want.

The other day mom and I were talking about me driving soon. I can tell she
doesn't want me driving yet.

I think she was trying to discourage me, but it didn't work.

She said that I wouldn't be able to drive anyone besides family for like two
years anyway.

I asked who would I drive other than them anyway? I was met with silence.

A while ago we were talking about friends or lack there of.

She said she knew I would have friends in college.

Okay, that's two years from now. Two years is a long time to wait.

And then she had to go and add, you won't have as many friends as your
sister, but you'll have some.

Oh, thanks mom for making me feel worse then before.

But at the end of the day, I still give her a kiss and hug good night.

Sometimes I don't really want to, but I do.

Sometimes I want to tell her my secrets. But I don't because I'm afraid of
what she will think of me after.

I shouldn't be afraid to tell my mom stuff, and yet I still am. Some stuff
I'll never tell her.

I hate keeping secrets from my own family, but I do.

Writing feels so natural to me. It's so easy.

Last week I wrote this -

You wonder

It's been one of those days,
when you stare out the window at the foggy haze,
you don't know what to do,
so you do nothing,
your mind wonders from place to place,
you waste so many of your days,
you wonder how your life has become this,
you wonder how much fun you have missed,
no one knows you for you,
sometimes you wonder if you even know yourself,
you don't do much of anything,
you barely leave your house,
you wonder if you'll ever have a life
filled with friends and love,
but for now you'll sit tight,
just wasting the daylight,
watching time go by.

I don't know if it's any good, but I like it.

So there are some of my secrets, some of my thoughts on life.

For once I can't think of anything else to write. That surprises me.
Normally, I can sit and write 5 pages, but I guess today it was only about 4.
So, until the next time I need to write about life or whatever is on my mind.

Abby

Please review!! Thanks