•How to Not Confess Properly for Gun Dummies!•


2) Snipe from afar, forget wind and gravity.

Uni can't help but let out a sigh of relief as she puts down her phone, falling unceremoniously on her bed right after.

She did it. She managed to invite Nepgear to come hang out tomorrow. The situation isn't optimal, and Nepgear will only come here close to noon, but the ravenette did it nonetheless.

And she only stuttered thrice!

At that thought, the Lastationite Candidate can't help but smile. It's pretty annoying how she always stutters every single time an ulterior motive is involved, but only doing so three times in the whole conversation is an amazing feat nonetheless.

Still, now's not the time to be thinking about that sort of thing, is it?

After all, if she were to spend this Saturday just dilly-dallying like Noire does sometimes — and she's still not sure where the amazing CPU who happily worked 24/7 went — weeks of training, preparation and dealing with her workload in advance for some free time would be for naught!

Uni's smile only widens as the girl raises from her bed, walking up to the sleek, dark sniper hanging on her wall and taking hold of it.

She already asked Steamax for some help, but it wouldn't be befitting of a CPU to let her allies do everything, would it?

As the girl brings the weapon close to her, checking for anything which might cause problems, a big grin overtakes her features.

Time for a little hunt.


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"Careful... Careful..."

With as much care as possible, the Lastationite Candidate slightly adjusts the scope as she lies on the edge of a rocky cliff in Virtua, the target clear in her sight.

In the forest beneath, a single eggplant warrior is riding on his horsebird without a care in the world, no doubt seeking his next prey in order to put the rudimentary spear in its grasp to use.

Neither has any idea of the fate that awaits them.

And so, Uni takes the shot, a loud crack resounding through the area as the golden energy sails forward at incredible speeds.

A third of a second later, the horsebird leans down to eat some grass, letting the mana bullet sail past and hit ground harmlessly.

Uni freezes as both monsters turn their sights towards her, the determined expression on her face completely paralyzed.

"..."

Just as expected, the horsebird starts flapping its wings harder than usual, obviously planning on flying up to the ravenette in order to share his and his rider's thoughts on her most recent activities.

"..."

Such a line of thought doesn't seem to be unique, however, as entire hordes of horsebirds and their riders appear from the forest just a moment later, every single monster focusing on the ravenette as they ascend closer and closer to her.

"... Ah."

As the brave CPU Candidate proceeds to tactically retreat as fast as possible, elegantly scrambling to her feet and tripping approximately four times before regaining some semblance of balance, she realizes something quite simple.

Maybe, just maybe, she should have used a suppressor.


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Uni lets out a huff as she thrusts her knife into the weakened boxbird, letting the monster fall on the grassy ground of Leanbox's meadow unmoving. As it begins to fade into particles of light, however, the ravenette crouches down and reaches out to it, touching its body and willing it to dematerialize into her hammerspace with a bright yet fast flash.

Boxbird meat might not be particularly tasty, but if one uses it correctly-

*Bop*

"Ow!" Uni winces as something mildly sharp pokes the back of her head. Without hesitation, she turns around to face her attacker. "What's the deal, you..." The Lastationite Candidate trails off, however, once she realizes exactly what's behind her.

Namely, an entire flock of boxbirds, some of which have crowns, all of which are staring angrily at her.

"..."

The ravenette's jaw drops.

The boxbird leading all of them pecks her forehead.

"..."

Uni blinks.

The entire flock lunges.


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*CRASH* "Ah!" *CRASH* "Argh!" *CRACK* "Owww..."

Uni groans as she slowly opens her eyes.

The first thing she notices are the several Candidate-shaped holes on the cave's ice-covered walls in front of her.

Yes, walls.

Because she went through more than one.

"Ugh..."

That certainly explains the back pain.

The second thing which catches her attention is how she seems to be stuck in either the fifth or sixth wall her body attempted to pierce, a small crater surrounding her.

"What... the hell..." the girl mumbles, attempting to squirm her way out of the wall-

"Ah!" *Pomf*

-only to fall facefirst on the snow beneath.

'At least... it's somewhat fluffy...'

Uni immediately starts pulling herself off the ground, letting out a few coughs as she does so. Thank God there wasn't anyone here to see this... She'd just about die of embarrassment.

Managing to raise to her feet with some effort, the girl then proceeds to scan her snowy surroundings. Now, where did her heavy pistol end up this time? Seriously, she already lost two just today.

*GROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR*

... And this makes the third, Uni muses as her feet carry her away as fast as possible, because there's no way in hell she's stopping to look for it right now.


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Uni flies down just in time to dodge the gigantic blue tail that attempts to deliver the biggest slap she'd ever have received, the wet, slimy skin just barely managing to touch her white hair. With her railgun, the Candidate takes aim at at the massive serpent beneath, letting out several orbs of energy towards it, only for the monster to dive right back into the safety of the sea.

"Come back here, you big dragon wannabe...!" Uni manages to let out despite her ragged breaths. "I swear to the True Goddess, once I get you, I'm simmering you and throwing a party at the docks- Brbrbrbrbrbr?!"

At first, the white-haired girl has no idea of what's going on as every single one of her senses is thrown in disarray. However, as her vision returns after a few moments, with her breathing even more frantic than before, the newly drenched CPU finds herself with a simple question in her mind.

"Did that thing... spit at me...?" Uni asks out loud in a confused, almost dazed voice. "Did it freaking spit at me?!"

Just on cue, as if to mock the girl even further, yet another large jet of water comes, sailing past just centimeters away from the her face and hitting her right twintail head-on.

"..." As her wet hair swings back and forth like a weakening pendulum, the Lastationite Candidate just floats there, taking in short breaths and staring blankly at the sea where the colossal monster is hiding.

And then, she takes a single deep breath.

"Alright," Uni calmly begins, "to hell with simmering, I'm going to fry your damn oversized eel meat- *SLAP*"

Too bad she didn't see the tail coming yet again.


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As the ravenette backs away from the kitchen's counter, eyeing her handiwork, the chuckle which escapes her lips couldn't possibly sound prouder.

And, really, what else would it sound like? After all, before Uni is the fruit of her excruciating labor!

Well, also Steamax's, but that's just a detail.

Point is, right here is the key to her happy ending! With this, there's no doubt that Nepgear won't be able to think about anything other than the Lastationite Candidate for hours, perhaps even days! And that's more than enough for Uni to capture her heart once and for all!

That simple thought is enough to bring a stupid grin to the ravenette's face. She'll finally be able to do it, and it's all because of her creation!

And what sort of creation is it, you may ask?

Why, it's obviously the steaming, delicious noodles inside the white bowl on the counter! Made with all of the best spices in Gamindustri, alongside all sorts of rare meat which only a suicidal maniac would ever think of collecting, and by the hands of a CPU who spent weeks researching how to bring this otherwise simple dish to its ultimate level, just the soup alone is enough to send even the most stoic of warriors straight through cloud nine and into a heaven of food-induced stupidity!

And it'll do just that to Nepgear.

Oh, but of course that's not all.

With a hurry brought upon her by eagerness alone, the Candidate takes out a small note from her hammerspace, placing it on the lone white plate over the counter. Following that, she takes hold of the bowl and puts it over said plate, effectively hiding the piece of paper.

Now everything is ready, Uni muses with a wide smile.

First Nepgear will eat, then she'll see the note, afterwards they'll start going out, and a couple years later they'll get married, after which they'll eventually retire and raise the next CPUs of Planeptune and Lastation together-

"Ah."

It's about then that Uni stops herself, her cheeks colored by pure scarlet.

She might be getting a little bit ahead of herself here.

Shaking her head in an attempt to regain her focus, the Candidate eyes the clock on the wall. It's almost 11 A.M., which means Nepgear should be here any moment now!

And then Uni can worry about which one of them will be the mama!

"Um, what are you doing there?"

"?!"

At the sudden voice, Uni almost jumps out of her skin, spinning around to see the lilac-haired object of her affections by the kitchen's doorway, wearing the same white dress as always.

"Ah!" Nepgear, for her part, yelps in alarm at the sudden movement, only to regain a good part of her composure a moment later. "Oh, goodness, I startled you, didn't I? I'm so sorry!"

"Uh..." The ravenette just blinks at that, still reeling a bit from the scare. "I-It's alright. I mean, I'm just... making something for lunch," she manages to say, hopefully non-awkwardly.

"Really?" At that, the lilac-haired girl seems to sniff something. "Goodness, it does smell good here."

"I-Is that so...?" Uni replies the first thing that comes to mind, glancing behind her at the bowl on the counter. This is it, she realizes. All she needs to do is make the offer. "S-So, Nepgear, w-why don't you take a bite too? I-I'm sure there's enough for the b-both of us."

At first, the Planeptunian Candidate seems taken aback by the offer, her eyes widening ever so slightly. She calms down mere moments later, however, her features regaining their usual lack of urgency. And then, when her lips finally open after an eternal instant to deliver an answer, the ravenette lets her hopes soar-

"I'm sorry, Uni," Nepgear speaks with an apologetic smile, grinding Uni's heart into gunpowder and using it to fire a flintlock pistol right where the organ once was. "I already ate lunch back home. I couldn't possibly have you bother with feeding me when you've already been kind enough to invite me here!"

"..."

Just like that, Uni feels the massive urge scream as loud as possible.

"Ah, I see," is what she responds instead, her voice almost robotic in tone as she stares at the other girl.

"Um..." At that, Nepgear shoots her a bashful smile. "I guess I'll just go wait in your room, then. I hope you enjoy your lunch!"

"Right, I'll be there soon," the ravenette replies in a flat tone as the love of her life walks off.

And that leaves Uni and her noodles alone in the kitchen.

"..."

Right. Nepgear already had lunch. Of course Nepgear already had lunch. It was obvious. What time does Uni think it is? Of course Nepgear already had lunch. It's 11 AM, why wouldn't Nepgear have had lunch before going out? Nepgear went to a friend's home near noon, of course she already had lunch.

The fresh ingredients she gathered yesterday are all gone.

And Nepgear already had lunch.

"..."

In a movement that is almost painfully slow, Uni turns around to face the noodles.

This was going to be Nepgear's lunch. Now it's hers, however.

Because Nepgear already had lunch.

"..."

Without a second thought, the ravenette summons the pair of hachi she was supposed to hand to Nepgear and splits them apart. Carefully, she holds them in her right hand and proceeds to bring a small portion of the noodles to her mouth.

"..."

... It tastes good.

That doesn't make her feel better at all.

"..."

Then again, now that she thinks about it...

Confessing like this would have been pretty embarrassing, wouldn't it?