12. Balancing
I sped home and left the car. I didn't even bother to check in with the family before I ran back toward Forks.
"What's up with him?" I heard Emmett think.
"Are you alright, Edward? Jasper is worried. I am worried." I heard Alice's plea, but I continued to run away from the house.
Not tonight. I didn't know what I was doing, exactly – running back to Bella as I was. I couldn't very well show up on her doorstep with Billy and her father there. It was hours before she would go to sleep. all I could do was sit in the trees and listen. Why was I worried? They broke the treaty…that child did. Jacob. Billy should have been more careful. He can't put this on me. A toxic potion of anger, helplessness, and terror welled up in me like a kettle boiling over. What was I terrified about? She should be afraid of me. She should stay away from me. Maybe Billy would finally bring her to her senses. This is what I should want.
No, no, no.
I should stop, turn around and go home. I should leave her. She was far safer with her father and the Blacks. Why the hell wouldn't my legs take me home? I hated myself more than ever.
I'll just listen…watch. Just see what Billy does. Right, I was just being responsible.
The treaty was already broken. Did Billy know that Jacob broke it? Would he tell Charlie about me?
I climbed a tree in the darkness and peered into the windows, listening. Her voice was the first I heard.
"I got a ride with a friend." Friend. I liked hearing her say that more than I should. My thoughts lingered on the memories from the day. The blush in her cheeks, her smile, the amazing softness of her hair…. Stop!
"Nice ride." the boy, Jacob, was talking to her. They seemed comfortable around each other. Jealousy raged and I dug my hands into the trunk of the tree. Bark crumbled around me. I growled at myself. Hold it together, Edward. "I didn't recognize the driver, though. I thought I knew most of the kids around here."
Bella didn't answer him, she just asked him to get the plates for dinner.
Why didn't she say who it was?
The boy asked the same question I wanted to ask. Frustrating. I didn't want to have anything in common with …. him.
What was Bella thinking? Why didn't she say my name? Was she afraid of me? Was she ashamed? I had let myself get carried away today, allowing myself to be intoxicated by her. It was the nature of things…the pull we had on humans. She would be frightened, but unable to leave. I had essentially seduced her by asking her those questions. And now, in the safety of her home, in the clarity of her own surroundings – away from me – she could think clearly and I knew she could not desire me at all. The words she spoke while she was with me, they were only the result of the monster's seduction. It's what I was. A monster. A disgusting monster that lures innocent girls into his presence with smiles and glances and sweet talk. She only called me her friend to keep the conversation moving. And now, she didn't want to admit she had spent the day with me.
You stupid, idiotic monster.
"So who was it?" the boy asked her directly. Well, he got to the point, I guess. He'd better not be that forward in other ways. I imagined what I'd do to him if he tried to touch her. Another chunk of bark tumbled to the ground.
And then I heard my name. She said it, although reluctantly. He laughed at her. I raged with jealousy, leaning forward from my perch, causing an entire tree limb to break free from the tree. I caught it before it fell. Calm. Down.
"Guess that explains it, then," he said. "I wondered why my dad was acting so strange."
"That's right. He doesn't like the Cullens." Did she seem calm? Everything would seem calm next to my current state. What the hell was I doing here?
All I could think of was how jealous I was that he was standing next to her, talking to her, breathing her in. I imagined how easily I could destroy him and sweep her away. The others wouldn't notice anything unusual over the hum of the television. How warm she would be, next to my body…how sweet she would smell. I wouldn't get far. It wouldn't matter, as long as I got into the forest. It would be over quickly…
And as swiftly as the horrid thought entered my brain, it flooded back out again, with images of her cold, white body in my arms…her cheeks never to blush crimson again.
Oh. God. My insides twisted. I jumped to another tree, further back in the forest, leaning my back against the trunk. I refused to believe Alice's vision. I would not let this girl destroy my discipline.
I focused on calming myself as I heard the boy speak again. "Superstitious old man," he muttered.
Jacob didn't believe the stories? The treaty was forgotten? I spun around and leaped back the other tree.
"You don't think he'd say anything to Charlie?" Bella spoke quickly and softly. Ah, she didn't want her father to know. But what, exactly? That I was a monster? Or that she was weak enough to allow me so close? Yes, the latter was the answer. She had her wits about her again. I was sick with myself.
Why would you say that? You don't think it true, do you? Jacob thought, but he only uttered "I doubt it," he was still contemplating Bella's question. "I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."
So Billy had spoken of us before. I searched the boy's mind for some idea of what was discussed, but he only focused on Bella. Jealousy bubbled under the surface. I closed my eyes. You're just here to listen, Edward.
"Oh." Her voice, although clearly meant to be unassuming and casual, was thick with lingering fear. I wanted to make her unafraid and utterly hated my very existence because I knew I could never be the one to give her that. She would see the monster eventually, if she hadn't already.
The next few hours were uneventful. Bella didn't watch the game, but she sat quietly in the front room, unmoving. She gave vague answers to Jacob's incessant questions. I felt elated for a fraction of a second. She answered my questions. But, of course, I had seduced her into answering them. Monster.
Billy's thoughts were the focus of my attention for the evening. He mostly focused on the game, but in the back of his mind lingered questions and fears. He would call the others. He pondered whether to tell the others about seeing Bella with me.
The younger generation needs to know that these are not just stories. His mind was determined.
He knew that Jacob thought him absurd and superstitious. But how much convincing would it take to open the eyes of the younger ones?
"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked Bella as the game ended.
Billy's mind screamed out. Did he mean THAT one? Did she bring THAT one to La Push? His thoughts shifted to the urgency to return to the reservation and call a meeting with the others.
I growled, knowing I'd have to discuss this with my family.
"I'm not sure," Bella half answered Jacob, but Billy cut her off.
"That was fun, Charlie." He offered his hand to the Police Chief.
"Come up for the next game," Charlie encouraged.
"Sure, sure," Billy said, his thoughts racing. "We'll be here. Have a good night."
And then, clear and vibrant in his mind, my face appeared – the monster, the killer. Billy imagined me hovering over Bella's broken body, smiling. I was sick at the thought.
"You take care, Bella," his mind was flooded with what he would say to the others. Bella muttered a quick 'thank you' and walked toward the stairs as the Black's left.
Finally. I'd worry about the Blacks later.
"Wait, Bella," Charlie called.
Dammit.
I swear she cringed. I chuckled at her shared disgust with Charlie's delay.
"I didn't get a chance to talk to you tonight. How was your day?" You've been so distant tonight.
"Good." she seemed to be forming a story in her head. Would she mention me? "My badminton team won all four games." She didn't speak of me. I was conflicted. I wanted her to think of me, but knew she shouldn't. Would I ever get a grasp on myself again?
"Wow, I didn't know you could play badminton." Huh, my Bella….badminton.
"Well, actually I can't, but my partner is really good," she said sheepishly. Charlie laughed in his mind, I should have known.
"Who is it?" Charlie was always so attentive to Bella's well-being. He was a good father. I admired his love and devotion to her. If he only knew what I'd done today, allowing my poison to get so close to her – what would he try to do to me?
"Um… Mike Newton," she didn't seem to want to tell Charlie his name.
"Oh yeah — you said you were friends with the Newton kid." Oh, he's a good kid. "Nice family." He'd be good to Bella. I don't like leaving her alone so much. "Why didn't you ask him to the dance this weekend?"
So, Charlie was a matchmaker. Great. Just what I needed. And, of course he picks Mike Newton. Isn't my immortality enough damnation? Why did I have to deal with this Hell? I crumbled more of the tree trunk. My only consolation was that Bella seemed as annoyed as I did with her father's prodding.
"Dad! He's kind of dating my friend Jessica. Besides, you know I can't dance."
"Oh yeah," Way to go, Chuck. Alienate her from the beginning. "So I guess it's good you'll be gone
Saturday… I've made plans to go fishing with the guys from the station. The weather's supposed to be
real warm. But if you wanted to put your trip off till someone could go with you, I'd stay home. I know I
leave you here alone too much."
I chuckled. She even managed to leave her father dazed and confused. Bella was such a mysterious, curious creature. I wished she'd make her getaway and disappear to her room. Be patient.
"Dad, you're doing a great job."
Not that I have much to do, you're so self sufficient. Charlie thought.
"I've never minded being alone —I'm too much like you." She winked. I'd never seen anything more adorable…and fiendish. I'd have to remember what she was capable of. I smiled to myself.
Charlie took the bait and grinned. Heh. He chuckled in his mind as he watched Bella climb the stairs.
I stayed still for a while. I don't know how long. The minds of the neighbors drifted into unconscious dreams one by one. When I knew Charlie was asleep and Bella's heartbeat was calm and slow, I crept to the front of the house and crawled up to her window. She slept.
As with every night before, I quietly slipped in the window and fell into the chair across the room. She was quiet all night, speaking only once. It was barely audible for human ears, but I understood. She said my name again. I felt satisfaction in it, even though I knew she wasn't saying it for the same reasons I would say her name in my dreams, if I could dream.
I was glad to see her sleeping soundly. The rage inside of me calmed as I studied her curves, her breathing, her heartbeats – I wondered how it was possible to feel this way. Could it be possible that I would feel whole again? I was amazed at what this small, breakable girl could do to me.
I left early. I'd have questions to answer at home. I pondered how I would tell my family about the Black's, but Alice was waiting for me on the doorstep.
"I'm ok." I told her.
I don't believe you. Tell me what's going on.
"The Swan's had some visitors last night."
And?
"It was Jacob and Billy Black."
Alice rolled the names around in her head, trying to grasp why they were familiar. Then she was still. Oh.
Well, the treaty was a long time ago.
"Billy knew me." I might as well be out with it.
He saw you?! With Bella?
"He saw me drive away from her." And he pictured me killing her in his mind, I added for myself.
Alice stared for a moment. Well?
"Well, I think it's time for a family meeting."
Alice didn't scold me. The others would. I had lingered in the human world for too long yesterday. We walked into the house together. Rosalie was standing in the center of the room.
What have you DONE? Her eyes were dark and angry.
I told the others about Billy's intentions. Alice was supportive of my friendship with Bella, but clearly worried about the new complications. Rosalie continued to spew violent thoughts at me, while Emmett held her close and stared at the floor. Damn. This isn't good. He thought.
I was glad for Carlisle's rational thoughts.
We will deal with this, Edward. We've broken no treaty.
He was right, of course. The treaty forbade the death of a human. There was nothing in the treaty about us falling in love with one of them. I could scarcely imagine they would have thought that possible.
Oh, right…one more thing. "Billy seems to think I might have gone to La Push."
"YOU DID WHAT?!" Rosalie screamed at me. I ignored her outburst.
"Of course, I didn't," my eyes briefly scolded Rose for her accusation. "But he seems to think so."
"Alright. There just seems to be a misunderstanding," Carlisle's thoughts were far away. "The child didn't know he was breaking a treaty. We won't hold that against them. We just need to meet with them and sort this out."
I didn't feel assured.
"But for now, you need all need to get to school." Esme ended the meeting and waved us off.
Alice's mind fired questions at me, but I ignored them. I had to get back to Bella. I turned and walked toward my car. I heard Alice sigh behind me.
*****
It wasn't long before I was parked outside Bella's house again and she was bounding out the door to my car. She didn't hesitate to get in the car today. I reminded myself to keep it light.
"How did you sleep?" I smiled at her. She seemed dazed. Was she still sleepy?
"Fine. How was your night?"
Oh, I just nearly killed the boy and you. And I might have started a war with a rival tribe. Nothing interesting. You?
"Pleasant." I answered.
"Can I ask what you did?"
Always asking questions, little Bella.
"No." I grinned at her. "Today is still mine." I fought with myself. I shouldn't do it. I should've quietly faded out of her life and let her be safe and normal. But, she was there, next to me. She was warm and sweet and frustratingly mysterious. I had no willpower to stop myself from continuing the questions.
I asked her about her mother. She spoke lovingly and achingly. She missed her mother. For a moment, I wondered if my human mother had been that important to me. I really couldn't remember her. I felt a sadness I had not felt before.
Bella was willing with her answers now. (Again, I berated myself for this, knowing she was only under the spell of the monster…but I couldn't help but take advantage of it.) I asked about her friends back in Arizona. She didn't seem to keep in touch with any of them, from what I could tell. I found no evidence in her bedroom of distant friendships. She spoke casually about the people she spent time with in Phoenix. It seems she spent most of her time alone. A loner. I already knew this, of course, but now I was reminded how easy it was to be alone with her. The things I could do.
No.
Later in the day, I worked up the courage to ask about her love life. Did she leave a boyfriend back in Arizona? This could explain her rejection of every boy at Forks. Of course, she did get in my car, didn't she?
No. That was the monster, luring her. Get it together, Edward.
She was entirely embarrassed when I began this new line of questions. It pleased me to see the color flush in her cheeks. I wanted to touch her again. I kept my composure and waited for her answer.
I was surprised to find that she had not dated anyone back in Phoenix. How could it be that this beautiful creature wasn't snatched up the moment she was old enough? It seemed impossible to me.
"So you never met anyone you wanted?" She must have turned them down, like she had done here in Forks. But why?
"Not in Phoenix." She seemed to answer me with some annoyance, as if I should have known the answer already. What was she thinking? I studied her as we sat down at our table in the cafeteria. And then I realized what she meant.
Oh. This is wrong. I'm seducing her again.
I watched her take a bite of her food. This was a hopeless mess.
"I should have let you drive yourself today," I ended the questioning.
"Why?" she seemed upset with me.
There's that furious kitten again.
I should want her to be angry with me and storm off and never speak to me again. But, instead every bit of my being wanted to embrace her and make her feel happy.
Stay focused, Edward. Be responsible. "I'm leaving with Alice after lunch."
"Oh." she was confused now. Did I see sadness? She quickly interrupted my thoughts. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."
Are you absurd, Bella? I was appalled. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."
"I don't have my key with me. I really don't mind walking." She was speaking coolly and static, but I sensed a hint of selfishness. You silly, frustrating creature.
"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition — unless you're afraid someone might steal it." I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of someone stealing that ancient pile of metal. I knew she was annoyed at me for laughing at her truck, but I didn't care. I would never understand her affection for that pile of junk.
"All right," she stated. Was she challenging me? As if I couldn't complete the task. What did she think me for, a simple human? I tried not to laugh at the absurdity of her game.
"So where are you going?" she was trying not to show her annoyance with me. If I had the time, (again with the time - who would have thought I'd be bound by time again?), I'd begin the questions again. I could have fun with her in this mood. She was cute when she was annoyed.
But, I had other things to worry about. Being alone with her for the entire day tomorrow, for one thing.
I answered her question with pain in my voice. "Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." Bella, please be the strong one. "You can always cancel, you know."
"No, I can't." A whisper.
No. Neither of us was strong enough to resist this. There was no way out of this, now, was there?
"Perhaps you're right." I gave in.
"What time will I see you tomorrow?"
12:01am? Oh, wait…
"That depends… it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" Yes, maybe she'll sleep the day away.
"No," she spoke quickly. Her cheeks blushed. I couldn't help but feel elated. I briefly wondered how early I could arrive…would midnight really be too early? Oh…right, Charlie.
"The same time as usual, then," I concluded, "Will Charlie be there?" Please let her say yes.
"No, he's fishing tomorrow." She seemed pleased. Was she insane? Tell them! Tell someone! Don't you grasp how quickly I could break you? You blind, oblivious child!
I chided her. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?" Yes, Bella, imagine me killing you. You need to believe that it's possible.
"I have no idea," she was mocking me. Stupid girl! "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."
I showed her a small fraction of the anger that was raging inside of me. Be afraid, Bella. Why won't you be afraid?! I think she was trying to growl at me. Why was she so stubborn? It was entirely frustrating.
"What are you hunting tonight?" She asked after we finished glaring at each other.
"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far." Fine. If this is the way it's going to be. I wished I could let her watch the hunt…then I'd like to see her be so casual about it.
"Why are you going with Alice?"
Ugh. Alice. "Alice is the most…" insane! "…supportive." Stupid visions.
"And the others? What are they?"
A little fear. Maybe she was starting to get her head around this.
They think I'm losing my mind. "Incredulous, for the most part."
She timidly looked at the others. "They don't like me."
"That's not it," It's not really about your personality, Bella. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone." They don't understand why I sit here, my throat on fire, hopelessly intoxicated by you.
"Neither do I, for that matter."
Don't you? How many times do I have to tell you? "I told you — you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me." You fascinate everyone.
The look on her face told me she believed otherwise. How could she think herself so plain and boring? I couldn't help but smile at the thoughts of nearly half the other people in the cafeteria, all wondering about Bella and me. She was practically a movie star in this little town, yet she sat there, thinking herself so inconsequential.
"Having the advantages I do," I spoke quietly and gestured slightly at my forehead to remind her of my ability, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you…" You're a frustrating, unpredictable, addictive creature! "You never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."
She was looking back toward the others as I continued, "That part is easy enough to explain, but there's more… and it's not so easy to put into words —" Dammit, Rosalie!
You don't belong here, you insignificant, foul thing! I'd destroy you myself if it didn't mean I'd have to start this whole charade over again! WHY DO YOU EXIST?! Rosalie screamed at Bella in her mind, while her eyes glared angrily.
I'd destroy you, Rosalie! Look at her again and your pretty, little car will be at the bottom of the ocean! I hissed a warning at her, wishing she could hear my thoughts.
I HATE you, Edward. Rose thought, as she turned her head away.
Bella looked back at me with frightened eyes. See, Bella? This is what I am. A growling predator at your doorstep. I was ashamed at myself for continuing to sit next to her and seduce her.
"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see… it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…" I couldn't look at her any longer. The shame was too intense.
"If?"
If I tear you to pieces! "If this ends… badly." I hid my face in my hands, unable to hide my agony. Run away, Bella. Get the hell away from me. I don't know if I can….stop. I wanted to tear myself into bits and set myself on fire.
After a long moment, she spoke in a calm voice. Her heartbeat gave away her façade, though. "And you have to leave now?"
"Yes." I looked up at her to scold her for not running away, but as soon as I saw her eyes all I wanted was to see her smile again before I had to leave her. "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology — I don't think I could take any more." I meant is as a joke, but I wondered if I really could survive it again.
You would've been alright. Ah, Alice. Ever the supportive, insane sister.
Bella jumped at Alice's sudden appearance beside me. I'd have to discuss that with Alice later. "Alice." I didn't look at her.
"Edward." See, isn't this fun?
"Alice, Bella — Bella, Alice." Fun? Not exactly the word I'd use….
"Hello, Bella." Wow, you really do smell yummy! "It's nice to finally meet you." We're going to have so much fun together!
I glared that the tiny, conniving monster beside me. Watch it.
"Hi, Alice." Bella responded shyly. I wished the whole world would fade away and I could keep this blushing creature all for my own.
"Are you ready?" We've got to get ready for the big day tomorrow!
I was sure Alice had fallen off her rocker. Big day? We aren't getting ready for a party here, Alice. "Nearly. I'll meet you at the car."
See you soon, Bella! Alice danced in her mind as she strode away.
Heh. We'll talk about that later, you devious monster.
"Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?"
So, Bella thought this was fun too? I grinned. Maybe Alice and Bella would make good friends after all. In another life, maybe.
"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I answered.
"Have fun, then."
Was she trying to give me a pep talk? I smiled her attempt to make this conversation normal. "I'll try. And you try to be safe, please." Yes, please don't get broken while I'm gone.
"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."
Yet you sit here talking to a vampire. "For you it is a challenge." I suddenly realized Bella might lack the instinct to detect danger. You're going to get hurt. Oh god. "Promise." I didn't want to go, but I had to. I couldn't be thirsty at all.
"I promise to try to be safe," She was not taking me seriously. "I'll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril."
I pictured her drowned in the washing machine. "Don't fall in."
"I'll do my best."
I'll bring the first aid kit when I return. We stood. I wish I could stay, Bella.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said reluctantly.
Parting was becoming like a game for us. Who would speak last? Who would walk away first? "It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I smiled at our game. She played along and sadly nodded at me.
"I'll be there in the morning," You win, Bella. I touched her cheek, causing the fire in my throat to rage through my entire body. Her warmth lingered on the tip of my finger as I walked away. I didn't dare to watch her in the minds of the other students. I knew I'd turn around and run back to her. Just keep walking.
Alice bounced around the car, waiting for me. Oh, she's just lovely, Edward!
I glared at her from the corner of my eye as I opened the car door. "We need to get her truck."
She hopped in the car and looked over at me. "I'm not driving that thing!"
"I didn't say you were." Dang. Guess that means I'm driving slow again. "Alice, could you please stop dwelling on that vision of yours?"
"It's going to happen."
"No, it's not." I glared at her with my dark eyes. My agitation made me think of something Bella had said, "I've noticed that people — men in particular — are crabbier when they're hungry." I chuckled.
"She's good for you. I haven't seen you smile in decades." Alice smiled. Her tiny face radiated with happiness. I was glad to have Alice in my life.
I rolled my eyes at her with a smirk and sped out of the parking lot.
*****
I asked Alice to stay in the car when I went in to get Bella's key, but as soon as I retrieved the hidden house key, (I'd found it on one of my late night visits), she was by my side, bursting with energy. I wasn't surprised.
"Don't touch anything."
She feigned innocence and then smiled widely.
Once inside the house, I checked the key hook by the door. Bella's key wasn't there. I considered the last time I remembered Bella driving her truck. Wednesday. What was she –
"Alice!" I called after the sprite vampire as she flew up the stairs.
I just want to see her room! I won't touch anything!
I sighed. Again, I wasn't surprised. I focused my thoughts back on Bella. What was she wearing on Wednesday? Ah, yes. The ugly sweater. Oh, and the jeans with the worn edges. Bella had mentioned that she needed to do laundry, so I sped to the laundry room and studied the piles of clothing. I saw the ugly sweater peeking out from the bottom of one of the piles. Gently, I moved the clothes until I saw the jeans underneath. I checked the pockets and smiled as I retrieved the key, feeling smug that I had completed the challenge so easily.
As I moved to return the pile of clothing to its previous location, Bella's scent rushed over me. I touched the sweater, mesmerized by the lingering presence of Bella. I held it up to my face and breathed in the fiery sweetness. It wasn't as potent as Bella herself, but it was enough to make me briefly consider stealing the sweater. I laughed at myself as I returned it to the bottom of the pile. Get a grip, Edward.
What's funny, Edward? Her bedroom is so adorable! She's got lots of books… "doesn't she?" Alice appeared beside me in a flash, a toothy grin on her tiny face. Your scent is nearly as strong as hers up there.
That's odd. I'd never thought of that before.
"So what's so funny?"
"Oh, nothing," I walked toward the door, "I'll meet you at home."
Alice danced out of the house and toward the Volvo, smiling. Hmmmm…..
I groaned. Oh, wonderful. Bella and I were now Alice's new project.
I drove the truck to the school lot and parked it in the vacant spot left by my car. Closing my eyes, I leaned back and inhaled her scent again. She was mixed with rust and dust. Ugh. I slid out of the truck bed and pulled a piece of paper from my jacket pocket. Was it too cliché? I didn't care. I kissed the note and left it on the seat and slammed the rusty, metal door.
*****
"Maybe I could just have lunch with you now and then." Alice had spent most of the hunting trip trying to convince me to let her be friends with Bella.
"No." I growled.
"I could ride to school with you sometimes." I won't even talk!
Yeah, right! "Absolutely not!"
Alice scowled, "You're always with her. You should share!"
"She's not a toy, Alice." I glared at her. She groaned and jumped onto a nearby branch.
You're such a bore sometimes, Edward. I just want to get to know her before –
"Keep your opinions to yourself!" I flew up to her side. "It's not going to happen!"
Yes it will. She smiled confidently and bounced away. And everything will be wonderful tomorrow, Edward!
Growling, I leapt to the forest floor. Damn maddening, miniature vampire! I finished my hunt without her. The prey was small, too easy to catch to bother employing any skill or focus, so I let my mind wander. I imagined Bella leaning into the washing machine, reaching for the bottom of the tank and…. swoosh! I laughed. She would end up dying that way, just to spite me and my efforts to keep her alive. I could just see the headlines, "Death by Laundry." I laughed at the morbid thought. Only you, Bella.
*****
The hunt was finished by mid-evening. I bid Alice farewell and turned for Bella's house, ignoring Alice's continued pleading for permission to court a friendship with Bella. That's all she needed - two vampires in her life. Let's just tie her to a train track, why don't we?
Bella was just heading for her room when I arrived. I crawled up a tree across the street and peered into her window. Her hair was wet and she was already dressed for bed. I saw her swallow something….pills? Was she ill? I was sure she wasn't. It was unlike her to take any sort of medication or vitamins at bedtime. I decided to investigate the pills further when she was sleeping.
I watched her linger for nearly a half hour, fiddling over outfits and her hair - also unlike Bella. What had come over her? When she finally lay down to sleep, she moved restlessly under the blankets until she eventually rose and shuffled over to the stereo. She put in a CD and I found myself leaning forward, eagerly waiting to hear what she had chosen.
Chopin. Could I love her more?
She lay back down and I watched her muscles tense and relax in rhythmic movements. She was troubled. Why? Was she nervous about our planned day together? Had she finally found some sense and told her father that she would be with me? Please let it be so, Bella. I briefly listened for Charlie's mind, but he was already dozing on the couch, lost to the world of dreams. I'd get no usable information from him.
Bella was sleeping now. I listened for dreaming neighbors before I dashed across the street and scaled the side of her house. I slipped inside quietly, but I didn't move to the chair like usual. I drifted to Bella's side, careful not to disturb the air and alert her. A blister pack of pills was next to a glass of water on her nightstand. I read the label. It was cold medicine. I listened to her heartbeat and breathing, but found no trace of any illness. Did I dare touch her to check her temperature? After a moment of watching her sleep, I carefully lowered my hand to her forehead, lingering just above the skin. Her warmth radiated around my hand, like the thick heat from a campfire. Her temperature was no different than it usually was, so I concluded that she had taken the medication to sleep. This realization distressed me. She had drugged herself? Was she that nervous for tomorrow? I didn't want her to be afraid; I only knew she needed to be. How agonizing! It wasn't acceptable that she chose artificial means to find calm because of me. What was I doing to this poor girl? Would she survive the next day? I shuddered.
Turning my attention away from the sleeping angel, I glided over to the box of CD's she had been rifling through. Aside from some classics, the selection was rather modern, but good. We had similar tastes in music. I thought about introducing her to some older music. She liked old things and I knew she would like some of the older tunes; she just needed to be introduced to them.
I placed the box of CD's back on the shelf and walked to the old, familiar chair. Sleep well, Bella.
*****
I didn't stay long with Bella that night. I hunted again, even though I felt full. It couldn't hurt. I didn't want anything to go wrong with Bella. I lingered in the forest until morning, letting my thoughts dwell on the day ahead. An entire day alone with her, away from human eyes – would I be strong enough? I knew the day would define us. No more hiding, no more skirting issues. She would see the true me. It frightened me – would it frighten her? Would if she finally found me too alarming to stay? I'd let her run away, I'd let her go. It would be the right thing to do.
But my heart would break for all of eternity and I would never be right again. I was changed because of her and I didn't want to go back to that blackness I had lived in for so many years.
But how could she love me after she saw what I was? I had decided; I would show her everything…nearly. I prayed she was never near enough to see the monster unleashed, thirsty and violent. I shuttered at the thought of her body shattering like glass.
I shook the images from my mind and flew down to the forest's mossy floor. It was dawn, and it was time.
*****
Her smile greeted me at her door. My mind tore in two.
Run far away from me, Bella…never look back!
No, no! I couldn't stand it! Never let that smile be torn from my sight!
This day had to happen, no matter the outcome. I focused again and looked her over. She definitely wasn't ill. I felt a twinge of guilt as I remembered her taking the cold medicine to erase me from her brain long enough to sleep. I couldn't help but notice, though, that she looked lovely and well-rested for once in a long while.
"Good morning." I laughed when I noticed her outfit.
"What's wrong?" She quickly checked herself, probably believing I wasn't impressed with her.
Oh Bella, you're perfect, don't worry.
"We match." I chuckled at her, amazed at how simple a thing it was, yet how profound it affected me. She took a moment to consider our matching tan and white color palettes and laughed with me. Of course, she looked radiant in the tan sweater – simple, warm. I could only imagine how white and alien my skin looked next to her.
I walked dutifully to the passenger's side of the truck, detesting the deal we had made. Maybe if I bought her a new car…as a present….
"We made a deal," her words broke my fantasy.
I'm painfully aware of that, Bella.
"Where to?" She asked as the engine roared to life.
"Put your seat belt on — I'm nervous already."
"Where to?" she glared at me, but put the seatbelt on in defeat.
"Take the one-oh-one north."
I watched her as she drove. Fleeting patterns, from the trees we passed, danced on her face. I looked at the road again. We had barely gone a mile.
For the love of all that's good, Bella! Are you purposefully trying to agitate me? "Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?"
"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather — have some respect."
I'm old enough to be this truck's grandfather, and I move faster.
Ages later we reached the edge of town. I was singing songs to myself, too quietly for her ears to hear, to try and pass the time. When the houses were replaced with lines of trees, I looked up. Where were we? Oh, yes…
"Turn right on the one-ten." She turned. "Now we drive until the pavement ends." It was rather fun keeping the mystery going. I smiled in spite of my annoyance for her driving.
"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"
"A trail." You'll see.
"We're hiking?" As expected, she seemed slightly alarmed at the new information.
"Is that a problem?" I won't let you fall, Bella.
"No."
"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." She didn't answer me. I expected her to complain about the hike, but she was quiet. What was she thinking? Maybe she was thinking of me dragging her to some remote, dark cave to kill her in secret. I felt sick. She was acting so strange, I couldn't be sure where her mind was wandering. I wished she would just speak.
"What are you thinking?" I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Just wondering where we're going." She sounded much too casual. I knew she was lying. She was imagining me luring her into a dark forest.
Well, that's what I'm doing, isn't it?
"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." Not dark and scary, Bella.
"Charlie said it would be warm today."
"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" Please say you did.
"Nope."
Of course not. "But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" At least there was Jessica. I couldn't be sure that she'd take time out of her own head to worry about Bella, but I knew that her own jealousy would drive her to condemn me if I…if anything –
"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."
You what?! "No one knows you're with me?" Stupid girl!
"That depends… I assume you told Alice?"
"That's very helpful, Bella." Oh yes, Bella. Let's just give the monsters a map and an invitation. "Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?"
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly."
What?! Oh, Heaven forbid I get labeled a murderer! "So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don't come home?"
She nodded, silently. She wouldn't even look at me. She was protecting me? Did she have no desire to save her own life?
"You wretched creature! Curse you and your poorly placed martyrdom!" I screamed quickly and quietly in a voice that she couldn't hear.
We drove the rest of the trip in silence. I put all my focus into relieving my tension. This was not a day I wanted to be agitated. When she finally parked the truck, I slipped out and looked toward the trees. It was warm already. The clouds would be gone soon. I slipped off my sweater and tossed it back into the truck.
I could hear her delaying, scuffling her feet on the pavement.
"This way," I looked at her. Well, let's get this over with then.
"The trail?" She was afraid. I pictured the dark cave buried in the forest again. She should be afraid. That was the point of this, right?
No, no, I don't want that.
"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it."
"No trail?" Was she about to cry?
Oh god. "I won't let you get lost." I looked at her and smiled. Please don't cry, Bella.
She didn't move; she only stared at me. I'd never seen her face so twisted and confused.
Oh. No. She really did think me a killer, luring her into the forest. Did she believe she was helpless against me?
"Do you want to go home?" I won't hurt you. I hoped it was true.
"No." She removed the distance between us. She wasn't afraid?
"What's wrong?" What could it be then?
"I'm not a good hiker; you'll have to be very patient."
She's worried about the hike? What an odd creature. I couldn't help but smile. "I can be patient — if I make a great effort."
She smiled back, but it wasn't right. Her deep, brown eyes didn't smile. It tore at me. She was afraid of me, I was sure of it now.
This isn't right. "I'll take you home."
"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way."
Bella, I can't stop this. I'm not strong enough. You have to be the one to run away!
But she didn't run. She didn't even flinch.
There was no turning back now. She was here and I was here and something was going to happen. I just wished I knew for sure what was going to happen. So, we turned and walked through the forest – together.
I did what I could to make the path easy for her, removing obstacles or helping her climb over them. Every time I lifted her, her arm lit my hand on fire and I would hear her heartbeat beat erratic for a moment. I imagined mine would do the same, if it could.
I took the opportunity to ask a few more questions as we walked. I couldn't get enough of her stories. I wanted to be able to picture her entire life in my head like a movie, so I could watch it over and over. She admitted to me that she had killed three pet fish and decided she wasn't cut out to be a pet owner.
So, she's a killer too? The perfect irony of the statement made me laugh. The laugh even surprised me with its loud and clear sound. I felt comfortable here. I felt happy and strong. Maybe I could do this after all. Maybe we could be together, safe and happy and perfect. I hoped my strength wasn't fleeting.
I was also amazed at my lack of annoyance with the slow pace we kept. It felt good to walk with her – to be near her in this quiet, intimate way. No thoughts distracting my mind, no one around to keep up the pretenses for. We were honest and open and free.
The light began to filter through the trees and I knew the clouds had gone. I could see the clearing ahead. I felt nervous. Could I do this?
"Are we there yet?" She was light-hearted. I smiled at her, glad she wasn't heavy with fear and anxiety like she had been earlier.
"Nearly, do you see the brightness ahead?"
"Um, should I?" Her eyes squinted and tried to focus, unsuccessfully.
Whoops. "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
"Time to visit the optometrist," She said sarcastically. I felt a wide smile cross my face. It felt good to tease and play. I'd been depressed for far too long, I had forgotten what true happiness felt like.
I could tell when the clearing entered her vision. Her pace quickened and I let her lead the way. She was like a puppy, discovering something new. How could I ever tell her how much I enjoyed her young, human fascination with the world? 107 years on this Earth had covered my eyes with a shroud of grey. I was overwhelmed and eternally thankful for the gift she had given me. I could see beauty again. I could feel happiness.
She entered the meadow ahead of me, her hands brushed over the flowers and grasses with delicate movements. It was a moment before she realized I didn't follow. In all time, I had never seen a flower so lovely as the girl standing before me now. She beckoned me with her hand, but I waited in the shadows. I saw her eyes change, then – she remembered the sun. I wanted to keep this perfect moment forever. I didn't know how she would react when I entered the sun and she saw be for what I was. She walked toward me, so I held out my hand to stop her.
Just a moment longer, Bella. Let me remember this moment.
I took a deep breath so I could take in every last bit of this perfect beauty. In an instant, I'd step into the light and her awe would become terror. I would let her run; I would let beauty fade from my life again. I didn't deserve it. It could only thrive without me. It was decided then.
I love you, Bella. More than you'll ever know. I will never forget. And I stepped into the sun.
