Hi everyone! I just want to say thanks for reading. I'm trying to stay in the vein of Stephenie Meyer – keep the same writing style. This chapter was hard to get started …it was hard to decide exactly how Edward approached the situation. I tried a few things before I figured out this direction. I hope you like it!
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13 Confessions
I could feel the radiating heat as I stepped into the sunlight. I didn't want to look down to see my skin. I didn't want to look at Bella's face either. I wasn't sure I could survive watching her chocolate eyes swirl in confusion and fright. I only stared at the ground, unmoving under the sun. The breeze moved my hair – the only indication that I wasn't a statue carved and polished from diamond, ammolite and marble.
Nearly a second had passed.
She had not run yet. Perhaps her feet could not move from the shock. I thought about how heavy my body felt. I was sure the earth would give way at any moment from the weight and swallow me up whole.
It didn't.
Another second passed.
She still didn't run. Her heartbeat was strong as ever, pounding faster now.
I didn't breathe. I needed to be strong enough to let her run when her brain released her body from the shock.
Three, four, five…how long would this last? When would she run?
I caught myself in my impatience, remembering she was human. What seemed like an eternity to me was only a short breath for her.
Had she taken a breath yet?
I stood there, still and quiet, watching the breeze move the grass for many more seconds. I allowed Bella her time.
Time.
I couldn't help but think about the future. I knew I would never forget her. Our memories didn't work that way. She wouldn't even fade. Although my human memories had all but faded away, every one of my vampire memories were as clear as the moment they occurred. It was sickening how violent the shock was when it hit me – these few seconds would haunt me forever. I thought the shock might shatter me to pieces.
It had been nearly 30 seconds. I couldn't stand it any longer.
She can't shake the fright.
I was going to have to move to scare her out of her shock and allow her to flee. Slowly, I raised my eyes, allowing myself to take in every part of her body as I made my way to her face. Her feet, her legs, her hands.
Her hands. They were a painful reminder that I could never be something she could truly love. My inhuman skin was disgusting and wrong, while her skin was warm and golden in the sunlight.
Eventually my eyes made it to her face. She was staring at me with wide, brown eyes. I studied her for a moment. Was she afraid?
Run, Bella, run.
I needed to say that out loud, but the words would not come.
Her face began to change. Here it comes, I thought. But, instead of torture and fear, I saw wonder….and a smile.
I must be dreaming.
I took a small breath, checking if this image was a delusion. The fire that enveloped my body told me she was real.
I stepped to the side and gave her access to the path, glancing back toward the way we had come. I looked at her again. Her eyes didn't look at the path, but she took a step forward.
Okay. This is it.
The weight of the moment crushed my being. I felt sick. I temporarily considered offering to take her back to her truck, rationalizing with myself that she would need the guide to get back out of the forest. I imagined myself driving her home because the shock prevented her from driving herself.
Don't drag it out, Edward. Just let it happen.
But, instead of walking into the forest, she stood next to me and looked into my eyes. What was this girl thinking? My dumbfounded curiosity must have shown on my face, because her smile suddenly became wide, the light gleaming off her teeth. Her eyes were playful as she hopped backwards, beckoning me.
Could it be true that this porcelain creature liked what she saw? She still wanted me?
I watched her sit down in the middle of the meadow. She looked as if she was born of the Earth herself, the fairest of the flowers that grew around her. The breeze moved her hair and I saw the other blooms lean toward her to admire her shimmering presence.
I walked slowly, as to not startle her, but all I wanted was to run to her and hold her close to me and never let go. I sat in the grass next to her, quietly, and stared into her eyes. I saw no fear, so I lay down and let the sun cover me in its warmth.
I closed my eyes and waited. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for. She was quiet, so I sang. She noticed my lips moving and asked what I was doing, unable to hear the singing. I told her and we were silent again.
After a moment, I felt a hot, gentle touch on the back of my hand. It was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt and I couldn't keep myself from opening my eyes and gazing at her. I was relieved that her image didn't flutter away with the breeze.
"I don't scare you?"
"No more than usual."
I smiled widely now. What an enigma you are, Bella Swan!
I closed my eyes as her hands studied my arm more readily, causing hot tingles to pulse through my skin.
"Do you mind?" her bell-like voice asked.
"No. You can't imagine how that feels."
She investigated the skin on my arm, leaving fiery traces of her presence along the way. I flipped my hand over for her when she started to move her fingers underneath. I instantly realized I had moved too quickly and opened my eyes to look at her. She was startled, clearly evident by the quick intake of breathe and stone-like pose.
Careful, Edward. I chided myself. "Sorry. It's too easy to be myself with you."
The shock wore off and she began to move again. I closed my eyes and let her explore my hand. Her fascination with my skin intrigued me though, so I watched her again, as she studied me.
"Tell me what you're thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing." I whispered to her.
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."
You have no idea how much I want to be that way too, Bella. "It's a hard life, but you didn't tell me."
She didn't look up as she spoke. "I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…"
"And?"
"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."
So, she was afraid. A swell of regret welled up in my gut. I should've been stronger, I should've left. I shouldn't have ever pulled this poor girl into my world. What have I done? Beyond anything else, I did not want her to be afraid – I only knew that she should be. And even though I lay before her, a monster and a killer, I wanted her to understand that I would never want to hurt her…that I would never allow it, if I had any shred of control at all.
"I don't want you to be afraid." It was all I could say. What words could possibly express the conflict inside me? I don't want you to be afraid, Bella. I don't want to be a monster. I don't want you to know me in this form. I don't want you to have this to be afraid of. Me. My wrongness. I don't want the monster to exist at all. If I could shed this cold beast and live and die with you…I would.
"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."
I quickly sat up, facing her. What else could she possibly be afraid of, if not my inhumanness? "What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered, suddenly aware how close we were.
And before I knew it, I was overpowered with blazing thoughts and fiery need. Closer she came, and closer still, until I knew I could not bear it any longer. With the last bit of self control I had, I pulled myself away from her and flew to the trees, hoping the distance would allow me the ability to shed my murderous desire. Violent thoughts raged through my mind and it took all my strength to keep from racing toward her and….
Stop!
"I'm… sorry… Edward." She whispered.
"Give me a moment." I was regaining my senses now….my mind. I had certainly frightened her. I could see it in her eyes. I waited until I was absolutely sure the fire had subsided before I slowly walked back to her, stopping a few feet away.
I sat across from her and watched as she stared at me in shock. I sucked her scent into my lungs, focusing on taming the fire instead of letting it rage. Good. Better.
"I am so very sorry." How could I explain? "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"
She nodded, but did not smile. Adrenaline filled her body and I knew she understood. She had been entranced by the killer and very nearly felt his wrath.
I didn't want her to feel responsible or stupid. It was my own fault, for letting myself get too close to her. I knew my scent would draw her in. I could not forget what she and I were….prey and predator.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I cried out in a dark and humorous tone and leapt to my feet, dashing to the trees again.
This is what I am, Bella. Make no mistake.
I ran a circle around the meadow before she took a second breath and stopped to consider her reaction.
"As if you could outrun me," I laughed darkly and grabbed a large tree branch and threw it against a distant tree causing a rumble to echo through the clearing.
She stared at me in wide-eyed horror, unmoving. I walked toward her and stood quietly in front of her.
"As if you could fight me off," I sang soothingly, attempting to relax myself while trying to calm her, "Don't be afraid. I promise…" I would die… "I swear not to hurt you."
I crept slowly toward her and sat in front of her. You can trust me, Bella. "Don't be afraid," I whispered.
I was painfully aware that she had not said a word since my sudden panic. She was certainly second-guessing her desire to be near me. I wanted her to know that she didn't need to be afraid.
"Please forgive me, I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." You can leave and I won't stop you. I'll never hurt you. You can leave, Bella. I would understand.
But I couldn't get the words to fall out of my mouth. I wanted her near me as much as I wanted her safe. In that lay my dilemma.
She didn't speak. She didn't run.
"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked at her and she laughed a timid laugh. "Are you all right?" I asked as I placed my hand back into hers. Please don't be afraid. I love your touch. I didn't mean to frighten you.
I couldn't help but smile when she slowly began to trace patterns on my hand. Her touch was warm and inviting and safe. She could never know how alive she made me feel.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"
"I honestly can't remember."
She speaks! Hearing her quiet voice made me nervous to continue the conversation that had previously sent us into a spiraling moment of fear….but I had to know.
"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."
"Oh, right." She looked up at me briefly before gazing at my hand again.
"Well?"
Silence.
"How easily frustrated I am." I sighed. She looked up at me then, with a new sparkle in her eyes. She looked as though she had found an answer to a long pondered question, increasing my fascination with her thoughts exponentially.
"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."
I was conflicted. Glad that she had the sense to understand the danger, but sad that she felt it.
"Yes," I said slowly, "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."
I watched her face fall at my words.
"I should have left long ago, I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." I admitted.
I'm the weak one, Bella.
"I don't want you to leave." She very nearly whispered.
And with that, we are doomed, my sweet Bella. I am a fossil rotted to the earth, unable to move. You are the angel; you must be the one to fly.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
Far more than I should. Beyond all sense and reason, in fact.
"I'm glad."
"Don't be!" Glad that a monster seduces you? "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I stared into the trees, ashamed to look at her.
After a moment, she spoke, "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway."
"How do I explain?" I smiled, looking at her gentle face. "And without frightening you again… hmmmm."
She took my hand again….or did I give it to her? I looked down as she held me tightly, the heat from her body enveloping my fingers. "That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth."
I never wanted that warmth to leave my presence. How could I explain this pull I had toward her without causing her to run in fear?
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I began, "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"
She nodded. So far, so good.
"Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to explain."
She smiled. Even better.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac —and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"
She didn't answer, and I realized she may not understand the analogy. I tried to think of another way to describe it.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead." I began to feel frustrated at my poor attempts, but she seemed to sense this and smiled.
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?"
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." I smiled at her in thanks and satisfaction.
"Does that happen often?" She asked.
"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all," I studied the trees as I spoke, "He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."
I caught myself in mid-thought. She didn't need to hear me talk about her like she was food. Good job, Edward.
"Sorry," I pleaded.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."
I didn't know what to make of that statement. Just the way I think? Was she mad? I'm comparing her to a fine meal and she's ok with it? I took a breath and looked away from her, taking the opportunity to get the conversation over with.
"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," Delectable? No, too disgusting. Mouth-watering? Certainly not! Appetizing? That wouldn't work either…. "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
Has there ever been anyone in 80 years that has made me psychotic with murderous intent, overwhelmed with passionate desire, and sick with fear of being alone again?
"Never."
We were silent for a moment. I looked deep into her eyes and hoped she understood how special she was to me.
"What did Emmett do?"
I chided myself for even bringing it up. I felt my body tense and I looked away from her. I could not tell her the truth, but I could not lie.
"I guess I know." She spoke for me.
Well, we were in the rabbit hole now, weren't we? I couldn't avoid the issue.
"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" I immediately regretted the words.
"What are you asking? My permission?" She suddenly blurted out with alarm. My regret turned to rage. I could have ripped myself to pieces. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" She finished in a softer tone.
"No, no!" I very nearly could have faded into oblivion from my shame. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I stared into her eyes. I hated how unsure I became when I was with her. How could I slip up so badly? "It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now."
I watched her in silence, hoping she would understand. We had to discuss it, I supposed. I couldn't keep the veil closed forever.
"So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" She seemed to be making light of it. She was still unsure of my intentions.
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —" No, don't say it. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." What a repulsive creature I am.
I glanced at her, knowing she remembered. "You must have thought I was possessed."
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"
I was struck by this revelation. She was hurt the first day we met….by me. I may have been able to resist killing her, but I had still managed to cause her pain. A pain that could only be caused by her awareness of me. She was as intrigued by me, on that first day, as I was of her.
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"
I stopped and studied her, "You would have come," I stated as I stared into her eyes.
"Without a doubt."
I frowned in pain and stared at our hands. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there — in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with."
She shuttered at my confession, but I knew I needed to tell her the truth. We could not pretend to be something we were not.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."
I noticed her surprise, but continued. Something about this confession was cathartic.
"I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…"
"By the next morning I was in Alaska." I admitted, shamefully. "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl," I grinned at her, "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…"
She stared intently at me, seeming to gain some release from these truths as well.
"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it."
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." Frowning, I remembered my frustration, like a child wanting a toy he could not have. How selfish I am.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…"
"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment — because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"
I stopped and closed my eyes, ashamed at my behavior and the vile thing that I was. I hoped I didn't seem like I was trying to defend myself. I only wanted her to see me for what I was. I wanted this perfect creature to love me, if that were even possible, but only if she loved me, and not the charade.
"In the hospital?" Her voice broke through the silence.
I suddenly remembered the rude and angry words I had uttered to her that day. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power — you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." She flinched with me and I wished I could go back in time and erase the offending word. I quickly continued, careful to avoid mentioning that word again.
"But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I shuttered at her name.
Alice and her vile visions. I would not make it true. It could not be.
Shaking Alice from my mind, I continued, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay. All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day."
I looked into her brown eyes, glad to feel a deeper thing now than I did in the beginning. Glad for the love I felt that kept me from hurting her. Could she understand?
"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here — with no witnesses and nothing to stop me — I were to hurt you."
"Why?"
"Isabella." Could she really not know? I reached out and stroked her hair, unable to deny myself. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me."
I considered the image that haunted me, looking down at the grass to avoid her eyes. I was ashamed that the thought ever entered my mind.
"The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable." I looked up at her, hoping she would understand the depth of my affection. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
I studied her features as she sheepishly looked away from me. I waited to hear her entrancing voice. "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She spoke, and then frowned. "I'm an idiot."
I laughed. In a few words, she confessed her affection and shame – while it had taken me hundreds of words to express the same thing. And with that realization, the air was feather-light around us as I teased her, "You are an idiot."
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I nearly whispered.
"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion." What torment I'm willing to endure for you, little lamb. After 80 years of feeling nothing, I was amused that I would be so overwhelmed with every emotion possible. How quickly did those 80 years of darkness fade at the shimmer of this new light.
"Why… ?" She began, but shyly fell silent.
"Yes?" I smiled, wondering what was running through her head.
"Tell me why you ran from me before."
Did she really not understand? I felt instantly undone. "You know why." Please, Bella, I do not know how else to explain.
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" — she stroked the back of my hand — "seems to be all right."
My fear faded and I smiled again. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."
"Well…" I selfishly considered not telling her the truth, but instantly knew I could not bear to lie to her. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." Dammit, Edward. Watch it.
She sensed my tension and jokingly hid her throat from me. "Okay, then, no throat exposure."
"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I laughed, resting my hand on her neck to help her understand that I could control myself. "You see? Perfectly fine."
I was instantly entranced by the warmth. An electric current ran though my fingers as I watched her blush at my touch. "The blush on your cheeks is lovely."
I carefully took her face in my hands, not wanting to frighten her. I wanted nothing more than to be as close as possible to the racing heart in her chest; to listen to it sing.
"Be very still," I whispered, and leaned down to rest my face at the base of her neck. Her skin was like warm velvet. The sound of her blood, rushing through her veins, was like waves of heat crashing over my body. Her heartbeat was so close now, like music in my ear. I slid my hands slowly down her neck, memorizing every crease in her skin until I rested them on her delicate shoulders. I turned my head and placed my ear directly over her heart, listening to the song it sang to me.
I could never, I would never, be able to end that song. It was angels singing. "ahhh." If I could have slept, this would have been my lullaby. I rested quietly, never wanting to move from my warm haven.
"It won't be so hard again," I confided as I raised my head. I had affection for her blood now, not just aching thirst.
"Was that very hard for you?" She asked.
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?" I reveled in the satisfaction that I could be so near to her.
"No, it wasn't bad… for me."
I smiled, "You know what I mean." Silly girl.
"Here." I put her hand against my face, still warm from absorbing her. "Do you feel how warm it is?"
She didn't answer, but rather seemed fascinated by the gesture. Instead of smiling and looking away, which I had expected, she surprised me by whispering two tiny words.
"Don't move."
It was almost seductive. I was spellbound. I closed my eyes and sat perfectly still, unsure as to what she was planning on doing. I was prepared for the sensory onslaught, so I was not overly worried.
Her fingers touched my cheek, my eyes, my nose. I'd never felt anything so magnificent before. Could she know what she did to me? The intense intertwined desires I felt…the agonizing ache for her blood and the thrilling need for her touch. The monster wanted to take her life, the man wanted to share her life.
When her fingers reached my lips, the intensity of it all overwhelmed me. I parted my lips...and then she was gone. She abruptly pulled away and leaned back. I wanted her touch back, but I knew she was trying to avoid sending me into a frenzy again. I remained still and let the lingering electricity, left by her fingertips, tingle through my skin.
She breathed in quickly and tightened her body. Was she afraid? Or did she feel the way I felt? I found I could not speak above a whisper.
"I wish…I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand." I said, touching her fragrant hair and lightly running my hand over her cheek. I wanted to feel that warmth for the rest of eternity.
"Tell me," she exhaled.
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger — the thirst — that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though," I smirked, "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely. But…" I touched her lips and felt a shiver race through her body. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
"I may understand that better than you think."
So she does feel the way I feel. "I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"
"For me? No, never. Never before this."
I held her tiny, warm hands in mine, fully aware that I could crush her in a second. It was like balancing on the edge of a knife…at any moment it all could go dreadfully wrong.
"I don't know how to be close to you," I admitted. "I don't know if I can."
With this, she leaned toward me and laid her small head on my chest. A feather lying on a stone.
"This is enough," she said, quietly.
I gently embraced her breakable body and rested my head on hers. It felt right. It felt like we were made to fit together.
"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she commented.
"I have human instincts — they may be buried deep, but they're there."
I hoped there was enough human left in me. I hoped I could find it.
As the light began to fade, I reluctantly released the embrace.
"You have to go." I reminded her.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I felt playful, a feeling I had not felt for as long as I could remember. "Can I show you something?"
"Show me what?" She asked, nervously.
I couldn't help myself. I wanted her to feel the exhilaration I was feeling. I wanted us to know everything about one another.
"I'll show you how I travel in the forest. Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster."
"Will you turn into a bat?" She asked unexpectedly, looking at me from the corner of her eye.
A roar of laughter welled up inside me and I could not contain it. She seemed playfully annoyed with me, which only made me laugh more. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"
"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."
"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I stood still and waited for her to reach for me, but she only stared at me in disbelief. It amused me that she could be so trusting in every other way, but when I asked her to crawl up on my back, she hesitated. I reached down for her and, without a thought or a word, swung her onto my back. She instantly locked her limbs around me, enveloping me in her warmth.
"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," She said, less wary then before.
"Hah!" I was more worried her featherweight frame might tumble off behind me and I wouldn't notice until I was a mile down the path. Silly Bella. Without a thought, I took her hand and pressed it against my face. It was the most amazing thing in the world, the electric heat that traveled through her skin to mine. I smiled and dashed into the forest at top speed.
Traveling this way was second nature to me. I loved feeling the wind whip across my face and through my hair. After a moment, we reached the truck and I briefly considered taking another round, just to run again.
Instead, I smiled and called to Bella, who continued to cling to my back. "Exhilarating, isn't it?"
I waited for her to release her hold, but she made no movement. In fact, she made no sound at all. She was barely breathing.
"Bella?" Alarm rang through my mind…why wasn't she moving?
"I think I need to lie down," she finally answered in an uncomfortable gasp.
"Oh, sorry." I realized I had gotten carried away. I should have worked up to top speed. I should have warned her.
"I think I need help." She nearly whispered.
I couldn't contain the soft chuckle that escaped me. She was always such a strong-willed creature, and to see her completely shell-shocked was rather odd. I released her hold on me and pulled her around to cradle her in my arms. She was paler than usual. I thought she might be sick, so I gently placed her on the ground.
"How do you feel?" I asked, hoping she wasn't upset.
"Dizzy, I think."
"Put your head between your knees."
I sat quietly beside her as she recovered from the journey. After a few moments, she slowly looked up with tired eyes. She had a little more color in her face, which was good.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I chuckled.
"No, it was very interesting." She sounded like she was trying to be encouraging.
"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as me!"
"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time." I winked.
"Next time!" She groaned a decidedly un-frightening growl, making me laugh again. I wasn't sure I had ever laughed this much. It felt good. It felt amazing. "Show-off," she muttered. I couldn't resist her anymore. The warmth from her body was beginning to fade from my skin and I wanted her close to me again.
"Open your eyes, Bella," I said quietly as I leaned toward her. Her breathing stuttered as she opened her eyes. "I was thinking, while I was running…"
"About not hitting the trees, I hope." She teased, darkly.
"Silly Bella," I had to laugh. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."
"Show-off," she repeated herself in her annoyance.
She was adorable when she was annoyed. The ache to hold her close flooded my body. I considered her delicate face … her soft lips. I desperately wanted to kiss her. I wondered if I could kiss her.
"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." Take it slow.
She wasn't breathing.
Neither was I.
I leaned in, slowly, carefully. Her aroma was so powerful…so sweet. I let the fire in my throat lessen a bit before moving in a little further.
She didn't move, but her heart pounded furiously.
She was so close now. I leaned a little further and slowly…gently placed my lips on hers.
It was like red hot coals and sweet honey and for a second I was almost light-headed, but as I struggled for my own control, I felt Bella's hands reach up around me.
She breathed heavily and pressed her lips tighter to mine…oh god.
Her hands were lost in my hair as she unwittingly pressed her warm body against mine. My rational thoughts were replaced with flashes of red, orange… blazing, raging need welled up in my gut. I felt the snarl in my chest and the venom in my mouth and just as the monster screamed to devour her, I pushed her face away from mine. She opened her eyes, but I didn't let go. Sit. Still.
"Oops," she breathed apologetically.
"That's an understatement." I forced out, not wanting to break my concentration. The fire and rage still swirled inside me.
"Should I… ?" She squirmed.
Sit. STILL.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I articulated as I held her solidly in place. After a moment, the tempest died down and my thoughts cleared. I studied Bella's questioning chocolate eyes and smiled, knowing it wouldn't be so difficult next time.
"There," I was pleased I had found the control without running away. I could even keep her exquisite warm body close to mine.
"Tolerable?" She wondered, watching me smiling.
I laughed. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know." Very nice, indeed.
"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."
"You are only human, after all." And apparently, quite easily excited.
"Thanks so much." she answered sarcastically, catching my playful tone.
I jumped up and helped her stand, but her footing was uneasy. She looked like a flimsy, little ragdoll. I couldn't help but find her adorable. My little ragdoll. I chuckled at the thought.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I teased, unable and unwilling to shake this feeling of elation.
"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," She responded groggily. "I think it's some of both, though."
"Maybe you should let me drive." I didn't ask – I fully intended to drive. I refused to be subjected to slow driving again.
"Are you insane?" She tried to protest.
Are you? You can't even stand straight, Bella!
"I can drive better than you on your best day," I teased. "You have much slower reflexes." And a very floppy neck, at the moment.
"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."
She mocks my driving?! "Some trust, please, Bella."
"Nope. Not a chance." She grinned proudly. She had the key and she was actually going to try to keep me from getting it. I was briefly annoyed at myself for not obtaining the key earlier. Like, say, when she was spinning with nausea on the forest floor. Not that it would be difficult to obtain it now…..
She moved to walk around me, but stumbled. I had my arm around her waist, which she must have failed to notice until that moment. She seemed to be willing herself to avoid looking at me. Oh no, you're not driving, my little Bella doll.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk." I laughed at myself for using the phrase. How many times had I been subjected to that lecture in high school? I was amused that it actually came in handy.
"Drunk?" She questioned.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I teased.
"I can't argue with that." She finally gave in and pulled out the key, letting it fall from her hands. I caught it effortlessly and grinned.
"Take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible," I smiled, twirling the key in my hand.
"And are you not affected at all?" She asked, annoyed. "By my presence?"
Don't be absurd, Bella…I'm beyond affected. I'm permanently changed.
I took advantage of the moment and leaned toward her, setting my lips on her soft face. I brushed over the skin between her ear and chin, breathing in her sweet aroma until my head swirled.
Definitely affected.
"Regardless," I hummed against her skin, "I have better reflexes."
