Remus was exhausted.
The depth of his weariness was quite surprisingly, actually. He was a man used to battling the demons of lycanthropy, the pain, the transformation, the torment. Strangely enough, they all paled in comparison to the events of the afternoon.
Firstly, there had been the blind panic when Dobby appeared in his small study hysterical over Harry's disappearance.
Sirius had fire called him that morning asking if he would be available in case of an emergency. Of course he had agreed. Sirius was going to spend some time at Hogwarts, or so he thought, and there would be a very short period of time when he would be hard to reach.
Sirius being Sirius would not leave Harry unprotected even for those few fleeting moments.
To set his friend's mind at ease, Remus had offered to stay at Privet Drive, but the over-protective godfather wouldn't hear of it. It had only been two days since the full moon after all. Besides which, Harry was upset enough about being left behind and Sirius had not wanted to push his godson's emotions any further by insisting on him having a babysitter.
So it was agreed that Dobby would keep an invisible watch and alert Remus if there was any trouble. Not that either of them had actually been expecting any, but it was nice to have all the bases covered. So when Dobby appeared obviously distressed, Remus' heart had plummeted into his stomach and he had never known such fear.
Then, after they found the boy carelessly wandering the streets of Hogsmeade knowing perfectly well that he wasn't to be there, it had taken all of Remus' restraint to not start paddling him right at Honeyduke's door.
And the mouth on him? Sweet Merlin!
When Remus thought about the way that Harry was flouting everything that had been done to ensure his safety, his blood boiled over until he had a sharp pain in his temple.
So he had already been in a right state when he witnessed the finale of Harry's tantrum, climaxing in the utter annihilation of whatever self esteem Sirius had managed to rebuild after his dozen years of torment. Remus was seething, his innate calm shattered beyond measure, his only desire to administer whatever sort of emotional balm he could offer to his dear friend and the despondent house elf.
It was a better use of his energy at the present time than storming into Harry's bedroom and proving to the young whelp that, when enraged, Remus could make even Voldemort look like Mary Bloody Poppins!
After Harry's outburst, he had desperately tried repeatedly to comfort Sirius, only to be ignored and ultimately silenced. He was heartsick with worry over his friend. Sirius was still deathly pale and shaking. His eyes were glazed over, his breath ragged with a small moan escaped from his lips every few minutes.
Casting a quick calming spell over the shaken man, Remus stood by anxiously until he saw Sirius relax a bit, nod his head wearily and then wave him away. Realizing that his friend needed a few moments to compose himself, he had turned to the devastated house elf who had not moved from his spot on the messy floor.
Dobby was whimpering pitifully, bemoaning the treatment he had received from the boy wizard he adored. Mistakenly, Dobby was under the impression that he deserved Harry's ire and his mind was currently whirring with creative and painful ways to punish himself. His overly large eyes kept flitting from his wrinkly hand to the wooden block of knives on the counter.
Remus caught his gaze and blanched, knowing about the previous injuries the elf inflicted upon himself. Tentatively, he held out a hand and gently lifted the elf up from the soiled floor. Such kind treatment threw Dobby into a tizzy of gratitude almost more frightening than Sirius' behavior and it took a fair few minutes to quiet him down again.
Once the wizard had convinced the sad creature that he had done nothing to deserve such deplorable treatment, Remus then tackled the significantly more difficult task of convincing Dobby that Harry's actions were inexcusable. Something that ultimately proved impossible. The elf's devotion to the boy, regardless of the abuse he had suffered at his hands, only strengthen the man's resolve that this matter was far from over.
For now, he contented himself to watch over Sirius' slow emotional recovery as he helped Dobby clean up the kitchen mess which, assisted by Harry's blast of accidental magic that destroyed every piece of glass in the room, resembled a demolition site.
Sirius was having trouble breathing.
Clearly, Harry despised him.
And why not?
Everything he said was true. It was his own idea to replace himself with Peter as Secret Keeper. No one knew that better than he did and Sirius lived with that tragic mistake every minute of every day. He could barely look at himself in the mirror most of the time, revolted by the image of his own face.
Harry had every right to detest him for still being alive when his own parents were dead because of a terrible decision Sirius had made. He would never be able to make up for everything that he owed the boy. The fact that Sirius whole-heartedly loved the godson who must loathe him beyond all reason was just another pain that he deserved to endure as penance for failing his parents.
After what they had been through together already, Sirius had been hopeful that Harry cared for him. He had seemed to at least.
Those first mornings when he had thrown his arms around his godfather with what seemed to be genuine joy, they way they had joked and laughed together, the contented looks Harry had given him across the dinner table. Sadly, those precious moments were not what they appeared to be after all.
Most likely, Harry had just been grateful to be spared more dismal days in the Dursley household. He could not blame the boy for that.
Sirius literally felt his heart breaking in half.
He barely noticed the activities of Remus and Dobby, only half-hearing spells being chanted, dishes rattling and water running. What did it matter when the future that he had lovingly envisioned and embraced was only to be an illusion? He sighed heavily and dropped his face into his hands, too bereft to notice when Remus sat down in the other chair, barely feeling the comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Padfoot, please say something."
"It's all my fault, Moony." Anguish was heavy in his words.
"No!" Remus slammed his hand on the wooden table violently, startling Sirius with the force of it.
"No." He was calmer now. "For the last time, you are not to blame for James and Lily. Harry had absolutely no right to say those horrible words to you."
"Yes he does, Remus. I was the one responsible for their safety. They trusted me. I killed them just as surely as if I had uttered the curse myself."
"No. You did what you thought was right. They agreed with you. They knew what they were up against. Do you really think that James would have put his family in jeopardy if he didn't believe that the plan was a good one?"
Sirius sighed heavily. He would not allow himself to be freed of the torment but the sound of a mirthful chuckle from Remus forced him to turn his gaze to his friend.
"What do you find funny in all of this, Remus?"
Honestly, he couldn't see any humor in the situation.
"Harry does have impeccable timing. To pull a stunt like this, today of all days."
Sirius cast his eyes down to the table. At least that much was true
"It is fairly ironic," he agreed.
"The day you have him magically sealed as your heir."
The humor was gone from Remus' voice and his eyes turned cold. Sirius' shoulders slumped and his voice broke.
"I owe him more than the Black family fortune, Moony. My debt to him will never be repaid."
Forgetting his own strength for a moment, Remus grabbed the broken man's arm a little more forcefully than he intended and gave him a small shake.
"Don't give me that nonsense, Sirius Black! The official sealing is about much more than gold. Does Harry have any idea what you did for him this morning?"
Sirius shook his head sadly.
"None. I didn't want to overwhelm him. I was going to wait for the right time. In light of things, it doesn't matter anymore."
"Doesn't matter anymore?"
"No. He doesn't need to know. I can take small comfort in knowing that I have done all I can for his future. He doesn't need to feel indebted to me in some way."
Remus hissed, disgusted.
"Idiot."
For the first time since Harry's tantrum, a spark of life flared back into Sirius' gray eyes.
"Thank you. I feel much better now."
"You know what I mean."
The two friends faced off for a few seconds before Sirius' shoulders drooped again and he rubbed his face with his hands in distress.
"I should not have hit him."
"You spanked him," Remus corrected. "Barely. And yes, you should have. Harry's behavior, and not just today's tantrum mind you, cries out for correction. He has never really had anyone to answer to. His aunt and uncle ignored him, his teachers, myself included, excused him. Even Albus turns the other way."
Sirius watched as Remus' face grew darker and his jaw set before he continued.
"I'm partly to blame," the former professor admitted shamefully. "Last year, when I caught him with the map, I should have punished him myself. If James were still here, he would not have stood for Harry's nonsense."
Unable to refute the statement, having known James perfectly well, Sirius merely nodded.
"Oh, fooling around and general mischief are one thing," Remus continued. "James would probably have given him pointers, but the way Harry is forever putting himself intentionally into harm's way? Not a chance. After any one of those escapades at school, James would have barged into the castle and put Harry over his knee right in the Gryffindor common room. You know it as well as I do."
Sirius did know it.
James deeply respected his own father and would certainly have taken his paternal duties as seriously as Mr. Potter had. The Potters were very loving and indulgent parents who never minded the adolescent scraps that their only child got himself into, unless they were dangerous. In those incidences, James, as well as Sirius once he had joined the household, had always found himself on the business end of his father's paddle.
"I'm not his father, Remus," Sirius protested.
"For all intents and purposes, yes you are."
Remus looked at his friend's worried face. Sirius had never dealt with a child before and it was more than clear that he wasn't ready for this.
"It's okay, Padfoot," he assured his old friend with a comforting pat to his shoulder. "You want to get to know him better before you assert your authority. I understand. I'll help you do this. You did put me next in line for guardianship of him this morning. Until you are ready, I will discipline him."
Remus stood and unbuckled his belt. Pulling it out of the loops of his trousers, he folded it in half and started for Harry's room. Halfway there however, he was suddenly jerked to halt by a firm hold on his wrist.
"No."
Sirius was at his side, a stern look on his face. His color had returned and there was no sign of the despair he had been exuding all afternoon. Remus stared at him quizzically and wondered if he was going to have to fight his friend on this. Harry certainly deserved a sound thrashing and Remus was going to make sure he got it.
"Harry is firstly my responsibility. I will decide if and when he is to be punished."
Sirius' voice was unexpectedly strong and uncompromising considering how wounded he'd been, but seeing the hurt on Remus' face, he softened his tone just a bit.
"I appreciate your willingness to help, Moony. Truly I do. Harry and I need to figure this out together and we will do it in our own time. I will fulfill my duties to him as I vowed to this morning."
Remus took a minute to study the resolve in the other man's face. Finally, unconvinced but acquiescing, he nodded and threaded his belt on again.
"As you wish, Sirius. I stand ready to help. You need only ask. I love him too, you know. I worry as well."
"I know you do," Sirius agreed. "He is lucky to have you in his life. We both are."
They stood together for a moment in silence. Thousands of words understood but unsaid between them. Past, present and future friendship reaffirmed.
Behind them the clock on the wall chimed four o'clock. It was tea time in their residence as Harry and Sirius had developed a little habit of sitting down together each day with a little snack and a few minutes of conversation as they continued to get to know one another.
Hesitating and a bit nervous, Dobby cleared his throat. It was enough to get both men to turn around where they saw the small meal spread out. With just a hint of a smile in his eyes, Sirius jerked his head towards the table.
"Join me, old friend?"
Remus nodded affectionately.
"Of course."
They sat down companionably, noticing that the house elf was once more in distress.
"Is Harry Potter to join you, sirs?"
Sirius looked at him wringing his hands and thought for a moment that Dobby was worried about another assault from Harry. Then he realized that the poor elf was hoping for another chance to be of service to the boy that had treated him so beastly, the regard still clearly in evidence. It made Sirius a bit more perturbed by his godson's behavior than he had been a moment ago.
Despite the habit they'd gotten into, Harry had not come out for tea. Looking towards his door, Sirius guessed that the boy was still brooding.
Let him brood then.
Maybe, given enough time, Harry would calm down and apologize before Sirius had to insist that he do so. Not that the irritated godfather was planning on waiting long, but this arrangement was still very new to both of them, so one step at a time.
"No Dobby. I think Harry is staying in his room for a while."
The elf hung his head with a woeful look on his face and Sirius felt the need to comfort him somehow.
"However, I'm sure he would be grateful if you could send a tray in for him."
It worked, as Dobby beamed and started to prepare plates.
***************HP***********
In his large, transfigured room, Harry lay on his bed completely miserable.
It was not possible, he thought, for a person to hate themselves more than he did right now. Of all the dirty, low, despicable things someone could do to another person, what he had done to Sirius was reprehensible.
Sirius, who had risked his life escaping from Azkaban to protect Harry.
Sirius, who had taken him in, made his stay at Privet Drive comfortable, showered him with gifts and affection, tucked him in at night and told him stories about his parents.
Sirius, who fussed over him and held him in loving embraces that made him feel warm and protected for the first time in his life.
Harry had thrown all of that away in a juvenile fit of pique. No one with any sense could doubt that he was a wretched, undeserving boy, just the Dursleys had always told him that he was.
Guiltily he realized through his purple haze of rage that he had glared in Sirius' direction and had seen the shopping bags from Honeyduke's and Srivenshaft's at his side.
Even after the horrible way Harry had behaved yesterday, his beloved godfather had made a special trip and brought back the things that he had so ridiculously whinged for. The memory made his stomach lurch and Harry ran into his bathroom and was sick for several minutes.
When he was finished, he turned the cold faucet tap on full blast, cupped his hands underneath the refreshing water and bathed his face repeatedly. Fingers almost numb, he shut the tap and grabbed a face towel, rubbing his head with it vigorously. Startled by hearing a small pop in his room and went in to investigate.
On his desk was a bed tray laden with a small teapot and cup, a glass of pumpkin juice and a plate of bread and butter and cake. In his misery he realized he hadn't been paying attention to the hour.
It was tea time.
Realizing that his godfather wasn't coming to his room to cheerfully summon him into the kitchen, Harry just stared dejectedly at his door. He knew that Sirius was adamant about Harry's food intake the boy had been hoping that his godfather would come and collect him for their family chat.
Harry could've taken the opportunity then to offer his profuse apologies for his behavior. He didn't expect Sirius or Dobby, or even Remus to forgive him for the horrible way he acted, but he wanted them to know, just the same, how genuinely sorry he was.
Without realizing just how much he'd been counting on the chance to make amends, the tea tray had just dashed all of his hopes.
Sadly he made his way over to the door and pressed his ear against it. He could faintly hear the sounds coming from the kitchen. Sirius and Lupin were talking quietly and Dobby was fussing over the plates and kettle.
He couldn't go out to them without their permission. He knew the rules.
Living with the Dursley's, Harry had been confined to his room on an annoyingly regular basis.
Once sent there, he wasn't allowed out until someone came for him. He gave a quick thought, briefly, to dashing out for just a second to apologize and then running back in. The door wasn't locked, like Uncle Vernon used to. But he also didn't want to risk angering his godfather any further.
He would just have to behave and wait patiently for the opportunity.
Sooner or later, Sirius would come for him. Wouldn't he?
Still sick to his stomach, Harry avoided the tea tray and sat obediently on his bed. He would sit quietly until Sirius decided that he wanted to see Harry again.
Firmly resolved, Harry sat there as the sun went down and his enchanted windows showed twilight. With each passing moment, a horribly tight knot wound itself up in his chest. It would soon be time for dinner.
Surely Sirius would let him come out for that?
But then dinner time came and went. The only notice taken of him was the disappearance of the tea tray and the appearance of a plate of roast chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables, a glass of milk and a slice of apple tart. Feeling overwhelmingly hurt, Harry blinked back his tears and wrapped his arms around his chest.
Clearly, Sirius didn't want to see him at dinner either.
The distraught boy didn't move as the room grew darker and darker. He was resolved to wait right there until his godfather came. Harry wanted to be ready the minute he did.
When the hall clock chimed nine, Harry heard Sirius' footsteps as he approached the door. His heartbeat sped up, confident that Sirius was finally coming in to see him.
Harry didn't care what Sirius did as long as his godfather would speak to him again.
Sirius could yell all he wanted to. Ground Harry until he was of age. Paddle him until he couldn't sit for a month.
Right now, Harry wouldn't mind anything. He just wanted the chance to take back his hurtful words and convince his godfather that he didn't mean even one of them.
To do that, Harry would take whatever rebuke Sirius wanted to give him. Although he'd been mortified when Sirius smacked him, he knew that he had deserved it. His behavior had been very unbecoming of a Gryffindor and he was truly ashamed of himself.
Sirius' footsteps stopped at his door and Harry held his breath and waited quietly. Then he heard the footsteps retreating across the hall into Sirius' own bedroom and the door close behind him. Realizing that his opportunity had just slipped away, a heavy wave of emotion flooded Harry.
Sirius couldn't even look at him.
Probably he didn't even want him anymore to be honest, and how could Harry blame him?
He was a spoiled selfish child who took his kind godfather for granted and then threw his largest heartache in his face in the most vicious manner possible.
Right now Sirius was probably making plans to leave him on Privet Drive and just didn't know how to tell him yet. Not that Harry should expect anything different.
He would miss Sirius desperately, of course, but he would do as he was told. Maybe Sirius would let him keep the enchanted bedroom space so that when he was undoubtedly locked in for the rest of summer, it wouldn't be in the tiny, suffocating room.
Probably not. Harry didn't deserve it.
Or maybe Sirius would be generous enough to even visit once or twice before Harry had to go back to school.
Maybe…not.
The full weight of these thoughts pressed down heavily on him, the happy life he'd always dreamed of and seemed to have finally found slipping from his fingers, and finally devastated and emotionally exhausted Harry threw himself face down on his bed and sobbed uncontrollably.
**********HP********
When Harry didn't come out for dinner, Sirius had been quite upset.
Remus left after tea, declaring that he felt he needed to give them needed space to iron out the days events. Sirius was also sure that cooler heads would prevail by dinner time and he and Harry could talk about what happened and what was said. Feeling enormously guilty and knowing that at least part of Harry's attitude was his own fault, Sirius was planning to work very hard to let Harry know how much he loved him.
Even though, as his guardian, he would have to start taking a firmer hand with him.
What he didn't want to dwell on was the very real possibility that his godson simply wanted nothing more to do with him.
If that was true, it would certainly shatter his already broken heart. What if Harry wanted to stay with the Dursley's instead of the man who had failed him and his parents so miserably?
Could he blame the boy?
His hopes for reconciliation were dashed when Harry's tea tray had come back into the kitchen untouched. It was not a good sign for the future of the life he'd hoped they'd have together.
Sirius knew, using a basic pointing incantation, that Harry was in his room. He just wasn't eating.
After sending dinner in the boy, he waited to see if Harry would come out at some point right up until nine o'clock when he finally decided to go to bed himself.
It had been a horrible afternoon and and an even more terrible evening.
He missed Harry's company awfully and he was exhausted from the day's emotional rollercoaster. Without really meaning to, Sirius found himself outside of Harry's door and, for a moment, he contemplated knocking just to check on him. There was no noise from inside so Sirius sadly assumed that the boy had already fallen asleep.
In an attempt to comfort himself, he rationalized that there would be plenty of time to talk in the morning when his godson had had the chance to calm down a little more. Not wanting to wake the boy and disturb his rest, Sirius had made his way into his own bedroom and then realized that the book he had been reading was still lying on the sofa. Going back out into the hall he passed Harry's door and stopped in his tracks when he heard a sound coming from his room.
He knew that sound.
You didn't spend twelve years in the presence of dementors and not hear the cries of abject despair every moment of every single day.
Harry was crying and, from the sound of his distress, in a great deal of pain.
Terrified, Sirius threw open his godson's door and saw the boy curled up into a ball on his bed. His entire small body was shaking, his face mashed into the pillows. Sirius raced across the room, desperate to comfort and soothe.
"Harry? Harry, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
The boy lifted his tear stained face and looked pitifully up at his guardian, his green eyes red and wrecked.
"I'm sorry," he wept pitifully. "Sirius, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it. Please. Please forgive me."
Harry's trembling voice cracked in his desperation and he could barely continue to speak as he choked on his tears.
Sirius rushed to him, gathering the shaking boy into his arms and holding him as tightly as he could. A lump lodged into his throat as he realized the depths of Harry's sadness.
"Oh, Harry. Shhhhh, little one. It's okay. You're okay."
He repeated this over and over again trying to calm his child as he rocked him gently. It sickened him to think that Harry was in this much misery over what he had said. Cursing himself in every language that he knew, Sirius could have kicked himself for not going to him straightaway after their fight.
Had the poor thing been this miserable the whole time?
Harry's small body was trembling in his arms and it didn't seem like he could do enough to comfort the boy. He held him tightly, rubbed his back and continued to rock him but Harry seemed inconsolable, repeatedly crying his apologies. With tears in his own eyes, Sirius pulled his wand from his vest pocket and cast a calming spell.
After a few minutes, Harry finally seemed to relax a bit. The trembling stopped but his body still shuddered from the force of his hiccups. Sirius kept a tight hold around him, whispering soft words and repeatedly kissing the top of his messy head.
In the quiet stillness of the room they stayed that way for quite some time until Harry took a quivering breath. When he spoke again, his voice was a bit stronger and far less shaky.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius," he repeated as he clung tightly to his godfather. "I didn't mean to say that to you. I don't think it for one second. Please…please you have to believe me."
Harry turned his face up to look at him then. His green eyes sad and genuine. Sirius, still insistent on taking all the blame for himself, almost protested his words but he looked at the distraught child and realized that it was not what Harry needed to hear. The boy needed forgiveness and absolution for his hateful words.
"I believe you."
Profoundly relieved, Harry's breathing hitched and he relaxed considerably. Taking a clean handkerchief from his back pocket, Sirius gently wiped Harry's tears away as his godson clung to him. The boy's eyes were red and swollen and the dark circles under them especially pronounced right now. He seemed so much younger than his actual years in his sadness and obvious exhaustion.
"You are so tired, little one."
He held the handkerchief up to the boy's face so Harry could blow his nose and then gently pulled the unruly black head against his chest. Harry tightened his grip around Sirius' waist and burrowed his head further into the soft fabric of his godfather's vest.
"Everyone must hate me," he muttered miserably. "I don't know why I acted like that. Sometimes I just get so angry. I can't think straight."
Sirius continued to rub his back and placed a small kiss near the scar on his forehead. Harry wasn't the first boy that allowed his temper to get the best of him.
"No one hates you. We were all just very upset today. If you give Dobby and Remus a genuine apology, I'm sure that they will forgive you."
In his godfather's arms, Harry couldn't help it when started to tremble again. He didn't want to hear the answer to the question he needed to ask, but he had to know.
"Are..are you going to leave me with the Dursleys now?" He paused. "I would understand if you did. I've been horrible lately."
Sirius sat up shocked at Harry's words.
What on earth would make him think that?
"No! Absolutely not!"
He took Harry by the shoulders and looked determinedly at him.
"From now on you are always going to stay with me, Harry. You and I are family. Don't you know how much I love you?"
Harry threw his face back into Sirius' chest and clutched him fiercely, his hands holding tightly to the back of Sirius' vest.
Relieved that their relationship didn't seem to be irrevocably broken, but still worried about Harry's assumption that he'd be abandoned, Sirius breathed deeply as he attempted to remain calm.
Harry was so insecure.
What did those repulsive Muggles do to him?
"We are going to be okay, Harry," he promised as he rubbed the boy's bony back. "Tomorrow we'll sort this all out and I promise you'll feel better after we do. But it's late now and you should rest."
Worn out on all fronts, Harry didn't protest. He was exhausted from the emotional release and already half asleep. Feeling his godson relaxing against him, Sirius laid the boy down gently against the pillows and rubbed his back until Harry's breathing deepened. He pulled the warm comforter over to cover his child before he got up to make his way quietly to the door and was stopped when Harry called to him sleepily.
"Sirius? I love you too."
Closing his bloodshot eyes, the stressed out man finally felt his muscles relax.
They were going to be okay
"Good night, little one. Sleep well."
