14. MIND OVER MATTER – Part 2

Bella slipped inside the room and shut the door loudly behind her, immediately dashing to the window. Leaning out, she whispered my name. It was too much for me not to play a game, so I ghosted over to her bed, stretched out across it, and then laughed. "Yes?"

Her response was beyond amusing. Her hand clutched her neck as she spun around and glared at me.

"Oh!" she exclaimed as she melted to the floor.

It took all my discipline to hide the genuine satisfaction of winning my self-made game.

"I'm sorry." I said, not really sorry at all.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."

I sat up slowly and leaned toward her. She was a million times smaller than ever before, curled up in a jumbled mass of flushed skin and racing heartbeats. I picked her up gently, easily lifting all of her weight onto the bed.

"Why don't you sit with me," I said, laying my hand on hers. Her skin: extra warm from the excitement. "How's the heart?"

"You tell me — I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

I chuckled at her annoyed retort. She didn't like this game as much as I did – but at least she didn't seem angry at me anymore.

After we sat in silence for a moment, she reluctantly pulled away from me.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked.

"Certainly." I said, stretching my arm out toward the room in a gesture of compliance. I didn't want her to think she had to ask permission.

"Stay," she ordered - her eyes intent and focused.

"Yes, ma'am." I obeyed, slipping to the edge of the bed and taking a studied pose. Unmoving, I listened to Charlie in the living room. His thoughts were a mixed bag of sports, fishing, and Bella. They were simple thoughts, but important and genuine. He wasn't like Jessica, with her empty, selfish mind-chatter. I appreciated Charlie's simple and direct mind.

Bella bounded down the stairs and bid goodnight to her father. I admired her attempt at easing her father's worry – and hopefully ending his desire to come up the stairs and check on her. Once she returned to the room, I really didn't want to have to leave her again.

When she entered the room-closing the door behind her-the scent of shampoo, musk, and blood rushed over me in a dizzy wave. She was a porcelain doll, standing quietly, smiling, in worn pajamas and wet hair.

"Nice," I observed. She made a face as she looked down at her old pajamas. "No, it looks good on you." I have a new definition of adorable, actually.

"Thanks," she whispered, curling up beside me on the bed, redefining 'adorable' yet again.

"What was all that for?" I asked, deciding I needed to make small talk to allow myself time to regain my composure. I didn't need to attack her on my first official visit to her room.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

"Oh." I answered. My answer came out strangely. Did she notice? I watched her. She didn't seem to notice that I was seconds away from devouring all her adorableness. Just continue the small talk, Edward. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited." Overexcited. Great, just the word I needed to hear right now. Over. Excited.

Yeah, you could put it that way.

I reached out and gently drew her face up toward mine. "You look very warm, actually." Clearly, this moment wasn't going to dissipate, so I gave in and lay my face against hers. If it was possible to feel adorableness, I think this was it. "Mmmmmm…"

"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me." she said slowly and unevenly, after a long moment.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I barely answered, focused on the sweet fragrance pouring off her skin. I slid down and rested a kiss below her ear, feeling a wave of tingling electricity move through my body. Her silky hair was intertwined around my fingers, her blood racing quicker….so close to my teeth.

"Much, much easier," she interrupted my thoughts.

"Hmm." I mumbled.

"So I was wondering…" she trailed off as I followed the curve of her collarbone with my fingers.

So delicate. My very own porcelain doll.

"Yes?" I wanted to know the rest of her thought.

"Why is that," her voice trembled, "do you think?"

I want your love more than your blood, Sweet Bella. I laughed under my breath. "Mind over matter." But, in an instant, her warm skin pulled away from me. I sat still, afraid I had upset her. I panicked as I considered the possibility that I had said it out loud. "more than your blood." Did I? Her eyes didn't give me any clues. I would have to ask.

"Did I do something wrong?" I inquired, unable to read her expression.

"No — the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she responded.

I hadn't considered that reaction. Did I really give her pleasure? Could she be feeling what I was feeling? "Really?" I smiled in genuine satisfaction. I had never felt so perfect.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she snorted.

Grinning, I explained, "I'm just pleasantly surprised. In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…" And here I thought I'd make a fool out of myself. A hundred-year-old idiot with no experience, trying to impress an intelligent girl in a modern society. I knew Bella wasn't like the other girls, but I was sure she at least had some idea of what a boy should do to impress a girl.

"You're good at everything," she commented, bringing me back from my fascinations.

I shrugged, and laughed quietly with her. I have a century of practice, Bella….at least in most things.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she continued. "This afternoon…"

"It's not easy," I conceded. "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided." I winced. As recent as that morning, I had still considered Bella a possible meal. It disgusted me. "I am sorry about that; it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable," she allowed, gracefully.

"Thank you." I smiled, thankful for her unwillingness to condemn me. "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I raised her wrist to my face and closed my eyes. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome, I was… susceptible." I breathed in her scent, deep into my lungs. "Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…" How could I explain?

"So there's no possibility now?" she asked.

"Mind over matter," I said again, smiling widely.

"Wow, that was easy," she commented.

I laughed as quietly as I could. She really had no idea! "Easy for you!" I said, touching her nose with my fingertip. You try falling madly in love with the one food you can't resist, but can't ever devour!

But the truth was, it wasn't without some difficulty. I looked at her with serious eyes.

"I'm trying," I whispered, pain filling my heart. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." Yes, yes, I would leave before….before anything….went wrong….

I noticed her grimace at my talk of leaving. My heart swelled. "And it will be harder tomorrow. I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think." I was beginning to understand how Carlisle could be so close to so many wounded humans all day long. Of course, he had 200 more years of experience than I did, so his desensitization was much more profound.

"Don't go away, then," she nearly pleaded. I smiled warmly, hearing the words I longed to hear.

"That suits me. Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner." I laughed, curling my hands around her wrists in a safe embrace.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual. I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" I smiled as I remembered how Bella had reawakened my interest in the stories contained in the tattered novels on her bedroom floor – and now she had awakened the stories inside of me. I felt the things I had only read about.

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

I suddenly felt relaxed and began to express my thoughts swiftly, but careful to speak slowly enough for Bella to understand. "For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I scowled at myself. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again." So the intensity of that day was not lost on her either. I remembered the new, alarming feelings I felt that day.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt — I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care.

"And then the line started forming," I chuckled, thinking of the all the boys at school that lusted after Bella in their teenaged fantasies. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.

"And then," I whispered, remembering the moment I first heard her say it, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." How much could I say before I say too much? She seemed unsteady, but not unwilling. She seemed curious, even – so I continued.

"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I couldn't contain my disgust with the young boy.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she answered, annoyed.

"Of course."

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" I heard the thick disbelief in her voice.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." Was I really making excuses for hating that troll of a boy?

"But honestly," she teased, lighter in tone now, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie — Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie — was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

"There's no competition." I smiled widely and wrapped her arms around me, pulling her close to my chest.

"I know there's no competition, that's the problem," she mumbled.

"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." You are perfection to me, Bella. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered, laying her head on my chest, her warmth enveloping me. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

"You're right," I agreed, amused at her revelation. "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I drew her hands back between us and gathered them both in my right hand, while I used my left hand to trace the length of her hair on her back. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity… what's that worth?"

"Very little — I don't feel deprived of anything," she said, truth resonating in her voice. She had no idea what she was depriving herself of…being with me.

"Not yet." I answered, considering the decades of death and despair I had felt before Bella came into my life.

Suddenly, I was fully aware of Charlie's approaching footsteps. I reluctantly released Bella from my embrace and drifted quickly into a dark corner of her room. She reacted quickly and tried to inquire, but I swiftly instructed her to lie still, narrowly avoiding having my voice detected by her father as he pushed the door open to peer in on her. I contained a chuckle as I watched Bella pretend to sleep – I wasn't sure how Charlie could possibly believe her act.

After a few long seconds, Charlie quietly pulled the door closed and retreated. I dashed over to Bella and slipped under the blankets with her, resting my lips next to her ear.

"You are a terrible actress — I'd say that career path is out for you." I recited.

"Darn it."

I smiled at her playful reaction and began to hum a melody I had been composing for her. She quietly listened until I paused to ask her if I should sing her to sleep.

"Right," she laughed. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I reminded her.

"But I didn't know you were here," she chided. Oh, right.

"So if you don't want to sleep…" I began, playfully.

"If I don't want to sleep… ?"

I chuckled against her skin. "What do you want to do then?"

She paused and then admitted, "I'm not sure."

"Tell me when you decide."

I took the time to breathe her in, gliding my lips over her jaw and neck.

"I thought you were desensitized."

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia. It's mouthwatering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."

Her sarcastic humor amused me. I enjoyed provoking it out of her. Smiling, I chuckled and allowed her scent to wash over me, causing a sigh to escape my throat. Mouthwatering was an understatement.

"I've decided what I want to do, I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything."

"Why do you do it?" she began, "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

A profound question. It caught me off-guard. I let the dizziness of her sweet scent subside as I pondered how to answer. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others — the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot — they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above — to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

She was quiet for some time. I lay silently with her, listening to her heartbeat and breathing.

"Did you fall asleep?" I finally whispered, knowing that she had not.

"No."

"Is that all you were curious about?"

"Not quite." she answered, as if I had missed a joke.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds — why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?"

My shoulders shrugged involuntarily. I didn't really know why I was the way I was. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified — like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I laughed. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him — calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

After a moment, she continued her questioning. "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight — I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right." I laughed and kissed her hair, the sweet fragrance filling my lungs.

"Are you ready to sleep?" I inquired, not wanting to waste a moment of our time, but knowing she needed her rest. "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two."

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I whispered, burying my head in the curve of her neck.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" her voice was full of concern. "You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you." I said simply and honestly. I'd stay every second of every day if I could, Bella.

"One more, then, tonight…" she began, but did not finish. Her blood rushed to the surface, screaming desperations at me.

"What is it?"

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

"Bella, you can ask me anything." I tried to stay calm, but she still refused to answer. My curiosity got the better of me, finally, and I resorted to a groan of dissatisfaction. "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse."

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I whined, leaning in to let my breath slide over her collar bone. She had liked that before and I hoped it would persuade her to ask me the question that caused such a physical reaction.

She still refused. I'll have to guilt it out of her.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I warned, but continued in a pleading voice, "Please?"

"Well," she spoke, although hesitant.

"Yes?" Whoops, was I too eager?

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage… the same as it is for humans?"

I couldn't help but laugh. Sex. She's wondering if we have sex. Again, Bella has completely disarmed me and left me astounded. "Is that what you're getting at?" I had not expected the question….but maybe I should have?

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I said when she didn't answer my question. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

"Oh."

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I asked, playfully, wondering where she was going with this line of questioning.

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"

Oh hell. How did I not see that coming? "I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?" she asked timidly.

Oh…that… and the fact that I'm positive I'd crush you in a millisecond.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I lifted my hand to her face, letting her warm blush heat the inside of my hand. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

She was painfully quiet. "Are you scared?" I asked, wondering if I had finally said the wrong thing.

"No. I'm fine," she said after a moment.

Now it was my turn to hesitate. I sucked in a breath before I began. "I'm curious now, though, have you ever… ?" I didn't finish the thought.

"Of course not," she said quickly, the blood rushing to her cheek again. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company." A deep respect and satisfaction filled my chest as she confirmed my beliefs. She was virtuous, as I had believed.

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I responded, wondering if she would understand how much I admired the quality in her.

"Your human instincts…" she began, taking a breath before finishing. "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?"

I laughed at the thought. How could she not know? I rumpled her hair as I answered her. "I may not be a human, but I am a man," I assured her.

She responded with a yawn. It was late, she needed to sleep. I hoped she would be able to sleep with me next to her. I did not want to leave.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can," she admitted. I sighed, sad at the thought.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, unwillingly.

"No!" she responded quickly…and rather loudly.

Pleased, I hummed her lullaby softly into her ear, hoping that nature would win over and she would fall asleep. And it worked. Before I reached the end of the song, she was fast asleep in my arms. I realized, in that moment, I was actually glad that I didn't sleep. I had an amazing opportunity to lie next to this sleeping, perfect creature for an entire night's worth of blissful, uninterrupted hours. I smiled at the thought and started the lullaby over again.