Well everyone, I'm back. I'm back with Episode 8 of Season 2 of this action-packed miniseries. Sorry about not updating this second season in a while. Not only have I been busy with college work, but I also ran out of Death Battle ideas for a while. But I got inspired for this 8th episode of Season 2 after seeing the new "DreamWorks" film, "Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie". In this episode, Stewie Griffin shall fight the film's villain, Professor Poopypants. How will that all go down? Well, you'll just have to read and find out. Well, let's all begin Episode 8 of Season 2 of this very epic miniseries...

Wiz: Intelligence. You should always use this brain ability wisely. Otherwise, you'll end up…well…like the people in today's "Death Battle".

Boomstick: Stewie Griffin, everyone's favorite homicidal baby with the intelligence of a criminal.

Wiz: And Professor Poopypants, the evil scientist with the name that seems like it belongs to a circus clown.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a "Death Battle".

Introduction to Stewie Griffin:

Boomstick: Ah, good old Stewie Griffin. You never know what'll happen when messing with this kid! Needless to say, he LOVES fighting in these "Death Battles" and this is eighteenth battle to the death…

Wiz: We already introduced Stewie Griffin in the last season of "Death Battle", but we still have to do it again due to the rules of "Death Battle".

Boomstick: To make it short and sweet on my part, Stewie Griffin is a homicidal baby that wants complete world domination!

Wiz: This one-year-old is not meant to be messed with. If you do mess with him, he'll probably kill you. Not joking, he WILL kill you if provoked.

Boomstick: Stewie Griffin is the youngest member of the Griffin family, but don't yet his young appearance fool you. He's a damn psychopath!

Wiz: Born on June 30 1999, Stewie Griffin has a very sophisticated psyche and is able to speak fluently in an upper-class English accent. When he was born, his birth doctor found a map of Europe with plans to bomb its capitals inside Lois, his mother.

Boomstick: From that day on, he was shown not to be a normal kid, but a kid with the mind of a criminal. His weapon arsenal is full of classic weapons. These weapons include a machine gun, a tommy gun, a chainsaw, a machete, a flame thrower, a rocket launcher, a crossbow, a laser gun, a few hand grenades, a handgun, and even a harpoon gun. This is one of the reasons you should think twice about messing with Stewie!

Wiz: Not to mention his abilities! He can run fast, jump high, trick his enemies, punch hard, kick hard, and even bite hard. He can yell or curse up a storm, and he can even invent things.

Boomstick: Over the years of the "Family Guy" show, Stewie has invented many futuristic inventions, such as a mind controlling device, a carbonite freeze gun, a hypnotic control device, a hovering drill machine, a teleporter device, a multiverse traveler, a Peter-Bot, a clone machine, rocket skis, a weather device, and even a God-damn time machine! Wow, this is one badass little kid.

Wiz: His inventions are very cool and technologically advanced, and he uses them multiple times. However, due to the rules of "Death Battle", Stewie can't use his time machine. But he can use any of his other inventions.

Boomstick: This all proves one thing…if you want to bully a kid, please make sure that kid is not Stewie.

Wiz: However, he's not PERFECT. When his friend Brian gets into a dangerous situation, its been shown since Stewie and Brain are friends, Stewie CAN get distracted from any of his battles to help save Brian.

Boomstick: Wait, what?! Why on Earth does he care so much at Brian?

Wiz: Well, in one episode, he mentions that because of neglect from Peter, his father, he sees Brain as a fatherly figure, more than Peter. So, because of this, Stewie can get emotional and weak sometimes.

Boomstick: But despite this, Stewie Griffin is still one badass kid!

Introduction to Professor Poopypants:

Boomstick: Names. They held identify every single one of us. From birth, our names are given to us by our parents, and they stick with us forever…unless you want to legally change it.

Wiz: And no one has a more funnier name out there than Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants, an odd, German-accented scientist, all the way from New Swissland.

Boomstick (bursts out laughing): Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants?! (falls over and rolls on floor) What kind of a name is that?! (laughs some more) Was be born in a circus or something?!

Wiz: No, Boomstick. He was born in New Swissland. I know, the name sounds funny, but that's why he became evil.

Boomstick (stops and stands up) Tell me more…(sits back down)

Wiz: Well, as I was saying, Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants was a scientist and genius inventor who was simply trying to solve the problem of world hunger and trash problems. But when presenting his invention ideas to any college or inventor's society club, people tehre just laughed at him over his silly name.

Boomstick: But who could blame them? That name is way for funnier than MY name!

Wiz (sighs): Boomstick, your name isn't that funny. Be thankful that no one laughs at you all the time. Anyways, as you can see, he tried to take it and ignore it, but one day, after presenting his invention called the "Sizeinator 2000" to the "Nobel Peace Prize Committee", he got laughed at, and he finally snapped, and he began to wreak havoc on the entire audience, shrinking everyone in the crowd, and getting away with it. And from that moment on, he became an evil genius inventor, bent on ridding the world of all laughter.

Boomstick: And when he met Melvin Sneedly, a kid with no sense of humor (literally), and he convinced him to join him in his evil plot, using his "Sizeinator 2000" to turn Melvin's invention, the "Turbo Toilet 2000" into a MASSIVE "Turbo Toilet 2000"! Together, with their intellectual abilities, they nearly succeeded in ridding all the children in the local school of their laughter…until they were defeated by Captain Underpants, George, and Harold. Seriously though, how did 2 kids and a man in underpants beat an evil scientist?

Wiz (sighs): Boomstick, I'm not going to spoil it for you right now. Go see the "Captain Underpants" movie if you want more information.

Boomstick: Aw man!

Wiz: Professor Poopypants's abilities include high levels of intelligence, he can run fast, dodge projectiles, counterattack several attacks from opponents, and he can also jump over obstacles. His weapon arsenal not only includes the ""Sizeinator 2000", and the giant "Turbo Toilet 2000", but he also has simple weapons from his briefcase. These weapons include and axe, a spiky mace, a chainsaw, his own flamethrower, a handgun, a bear trap, and several sticks of dynamite. And not only that, but he also as several homemade weapons as well, including the, "Gerbil Jogger 2000" and a set of 2 "Robo-Boxers". But dude to the rules of "Death Battle", he cannot use his "Robo-Boxers", as they're voice activated and can fight FOR him. But he CAN use any other inventions that he wants to use.

Boomstick: Well, it seems that Stewie is up against one badass opponent hers! He's literally got it all! A crazy name, a good backstory, an amazing weapon arsenal, and a reason of his WHY his doing all of this evil stuff.

Wiz: Well Boomstick, are you ready for a very epic episode of "Death Battle"!?

Boomstick: Oh, you bet I am! Let's all not waste any more time and begin this extra-long and action-packed "Death Battle"!

And now, the actual battle to the death…

(This "Death Battle" episode takes place after the "Captain Underpants" 2017 movie. The scene begins with Stewie Griffin on his rocket-powered bike, driving down the road. He stops at a red light

Stewie: Oh man, I'm so glad I decided to use my bike today instead of walking. There's a lot of people out here on the sidewalk like New York City on Black Friday. (turns on attached radio) Hey, I wonder if I can hack into police radio frequencies again…(turns knob left and right) Oooh, here's one…

Radio frequency (voice): Units 231 – 240, there is a bank robbery being reported downtown at 45th Av 76th street, just next to the local flower shop.

Police officer (voice): Copy that, chief. I'll dispatch those units and then I'll be on my way.

Stewie (turns off radio): A bank robbery!? COOL! YES, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED! I can rush by the bank, and steal the money that the robbers took! It's a perfect way for me to spend my day! (light turns green) Time to go! (speeds off, passing by several cars)

(Scene cuts to the outside of the local bank being robbed. Professor Poopypants, wearing his purple and green suit (evil scheme outfit) from the movie, exits the bank, holding 4 sacks of money…)

Professor Poopypants (laughs): SUCCESS! (lifts bags up over his head) I'M RICH! (laughs) With my new "Sizeinator 2000", I was able to shrink all of the citizens, scare those bank tellers, and force them to give me all the money! It might've only been 4 sacks, but it was worth it!

Stewie (approaches the bank on the right, holding out his right arm, and holding the handlebar with his left hand) Alright, I must be very steady. (increases speed and sees Professor Poopypants holding the money sacks) Perfect…it's snatching time! (speeds past Professor Poopypants and snatches the 4 sacks of money) YOINK! (laughs)

Professor Poopypants (shocked): What the?! (turns around and sees Stewie): HEY!

Stewie (stops bike and looks over at Professor Poopypants): Oh, I'm sorry. Looking for these? (holds up money sacks)

Professor Poppypants: Yes! (holds up fist) I stole those bags of money fair and square!

Stewie (lowers sacks and places them into basket in front of handlebars): Well, too bad! (laughs) You can't have them! (speeds off) BYE, BYE, LOOSER!

Professor Poopypants (face reddens with anger): Alright little baby, you crossed the line! (waves fist in air) NO ONE STEALS MY STOLEN MONEY! (gets into his car, buckles up, closes door, and speeds after Stewie)

Stewie (now almost a mile away from the bank's location): Ah, it's like taking candy from a baby…(pause)…you know, now that I think about it, this is my third time already saying that quote. (shrugs) Oh well, its hard to be original at times. (turns left at a "Stop" sign)

Professor Poopypants (speeds up behind Stewie's bike with his car): He's not getting away! Not with my money! (opens window and sticks head out) Hey, kid!

Stewie (turns around): What the duce?!

Professor Poopypants: Give me back those money sacks!

Stewie (rubs chin): Hmmm…let me think about that…NO! (laughs) I stole it and stealers are keepers!

Professor Poopypants: Well, I gave you a chance to give it up easy. But since you want it to go the hard way…(pulls out "Sizeinator 2000") I'm going to shrink you and put you into my pocket!

Stewie (turns left): Oh yeah? (turns around and pulls out machine gun): We'll see about that! (clocks gun) Bring it on, small guy!

Professor Poopypants: Small guy?! Call me Professor Poopypants, if you don't mind. I, Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants, shall defeat you, take you to my lab, perform some painful tests, and KILL YOU!

Stewie: Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants!? (laughs) THAT'S THE FUNNIEST NAME I'VE EVER HEARD! (laughs louder)

Professor Poopypants: STOP IT! STOP LAUGHING! (sets dial on invention to "Shrinkify") Ugh, why on Earth did I reveal my WHOLE NAME?! Little baby, you're about to regret your sorry diapered butt for messing with me, Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants! (puts finger on trigger) Say goodbye to your size, you little brat!

Stewie (puts finger on trigger of machine gun): I don't think so!

FIGHT!

Stewie (fires machine gun at Professor Poopypants): Eat lead, Professor Poopyman!

Professor Poopypants: Missed me, missed me, now you got to kiss me! (laughs as he dodges bullets) Eat THIS! (fires "Sizeinator 2000" at Stewie's machine gun, shrinking it): Oh look, now your machine gun is a MINIGUN! GET IT?! (laughs)

Stewie: HEY! THAT WAS MY BEST MACHINE GUN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! (pulls out crossbow) That ray gun of yours is going to PAY! (fires arrow at Professor Poopypants, hitting him in the arm)

Professor Poopypants: OOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! (yanks arrow out of his left arm) Little baby, you messed with the wrong man! (fires "Sizeinator 2000" again, missing Stewie and hitting a cement truck instead, shrinking it)

Stewie (dodges and holds bags of money over the edge): That's it! If you won't leave me alone, NO ONE GETS THE MONEY! (drops bags of money, making them fall into an open manhole cover! (stops bike and steps off)

Professor Poopypants (stops car and steps out): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It took me over 3 HOURS to make my bank robbery plans! And you, a little baby, RUINED IT FOR ME! (aims "Sizeinator 2000" at Stewie) Now, you'll really PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (fires it at Stewie)

(At this point, several cars, taxicabs, trucks, and motorcycles in the middle of the road get blocked, but most of the drivers and passengers flee the area, as they see all of the violence between Stewie and Professor Poopypants take place…)

Stewie (dodges ray and suddenly tackles Professor Poopypants to the ground): I'm going to kill YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! (karate attacks Professor Poopypants with hard hits and kicks all over his body)

Professor Poopypants (tries to fire his "Sizeinator 2000" ray again, but to no avail): OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! STOP IT! OW! OW! PLEASE, STOP IT! OW! OW! OW! STOP IT! OW!

Stewie (snatches "Sizeinator 2000" out of Professor Poopypants's hands) Sorry Mr. Professor Poopypants, your days of shrinking random people are over! (tosses "Sizeinator 2000" into the air, causing it to hit the street, breaking it into pieces)

Professor Poopypants (face reddens and steam pours out of ears): Little baby, PREPARE TO PAY THE PRICE FOR BREAKING ONE OF MY GREATEST INVENTIONS! (gets up and shoves Stewie off of him) I think it's time you pay the price and let me kill you! (pulls out axe) How about I chop off your head?!

Stewie (gasps and gets up in fear, realizing Professor Poopypants is really mad at him): Uh…NO! (runs toward bike) I'M OUT OF HERE!

Professor Poopypants: Not so fast! (tosses axe at bike, hitting the bike's gas tank and causing the bike to explode)

Stewie (gasps): What the duce?! (turns around to face Professor Poopypants)

Professor Poopypants (laughs): HAHA! Now, you have no bike to get away! (laughs) Now, its time for this little baby to have a permanent TIME OUT! (pulls out remote)

Stewie (laughs): A remote!? What does it do? Turn on the TV so you can sit on your lazy ass and watch the news all day?! (laughs)

Professor Poopypants (pushes blue button on remote): Nope. Its my lastest and most evil of all my inventions! (grins as the ground begins to vibrate)

Stewie: What the duce?! Why is the ground shaking?!

Professor Poopypants (grins): Little boy, meet the "Turbo Toilet 2000"!

(The giant "Turbo Toilet" moves into view, crushing 2 random houses in the process. The massive invention bends over and lowers a small metal ladder. Professor Poopypants climbs up the ladder, gets inside the control room, gets behind the controls, raises the ladder, and arms the invention's massive arms and legs…)

Professor Poopypants (on invention's intercom system): PREPARE TO DIE, LITTLE BABY BRAT! (makes invention stomp massive foot and run after Stewie)

Stewie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs away as the "Turbo Toilet 2000" runs after Stewie, crushing multiple random houses, signs, trees, and stores in the process) This is NOT good! I've got to find a way out of here before I get crushed to death! (runs to the left, as the "Turbo Toilet 2000" crushes another random house. (sees a random car in the distance up ahead) AH-HA! I got an idea!

(At this point, Mr. Krup was driving down the road, heading over to "Jerome Horwitz Elementary School" to begin his work day…)

Mr. Krup: Oh man, I hate going to work. (grumbles) But it's the only job I can support due to me HATING children, smiling, and laughing. (turns left and stops at "Stop" sign)

Stewie (appears in front of car and pulls out shotgun): YOU! Sir, get out of the car!

Mr. Krup (stunned): Huh? Is that a little…BABY!? (opens window and sticks head out) Hey kid, please move out of the way so I don't hit you and end up in jail. Okay?

Stewie (clocks gun): Acutally, I got a better idea. (aims gun) Get out of the car and leave the keys inside!

Mr. Krup: What?! No way! I'm NOT giving up my car! And I'm especially, not giving up my car to a little baby with a toy gun! (frowns) Now, move out of the way…now, or else!

Stewie (glares): This isn't a toy gun, you piece of shit! (fires gun 5 times, hitting the hood of the car)

Mr. Krup (shocked and horrified): AAAAAHHHHH! OH MY GOSH, ITS A KILLER BABY! IT'S LIKE THAT "CHUCKY" MOVIE COMING TO LIFE! (shivers) FINE! I'll do what do you say! (opens car door and stops out, holding his hands over his head) Just please don't shoot me!

Stewie (grins and puts gun away): Thank you sir. That's more like it! (runs up to front door, jumps into car, closes door, and drives off) YES! Now, to outrun that giant toilet! (turns left, going over the speed limit) Now THIS is what I call a joyride! (looks in rear-view mirror, seeing giant "Turbo Toilet 2000" machine chasing after him) I've got to outrun this thing and destroy that funny-named professor before he kills me! (turns to the left, nearly hitting a group of random joggers)

(The scene briefly cuts back to Mr. Krup, now on the sidewalk, holding his mouth open in shock about what he just saw…)

Mr. Krup (rubs his eyes): Now, that's something you don't see every day. But I still got to get to school! (runs down the sidewalk) I guess I'll try to get there on foot!

(The scene cuts back to Stewie speeding away in Mr. Krup's car, dodging the attacks of the massive "Turbo Toilet 2000" invention, as well as dodging multiple cars, trucks, buses, taxicabs, pedestrians, and even a fleet of police cars chasing after Stewie…)

Stewie: What can I do?! This car chase won't last forever! (notices 6-story parking garage on the left next to a local hospital building) Hmmm, I've got an idea! (turns to the left, speeds past the guardhouse, and begins speeding up all 6 levels of the parking garage, one by one, dodgeing several other random cars as he does) Come on, come on! I'm almost at the top!

Professor Poopypants (over the invention's intercom): Oh, does the baby want to play "Hide-and-Go Seek"? (laughs) Well, I'm in! (makes massive "Turbo Toilet 2000" jump onto the top of the parking garage) Oh baby, where are you?!

Stewie (drives up to the 6th and final floor at that very moment and opens window): HERE I' AM, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! COME AND GET ME! (speeds fast towards the edge of the building as one of the robotic arms of the "Turbo Toilet 2000" reaches down to grab the car) HAHAHA! Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm Stewie Griffin! (speeds up and jumps of the edge of the parking garage, flying into the air) AAAAAAHHHHH! THIS FEELS LIKE A SCENE FROM THE MOVIE, "FAST AND FURIOUS"!

(The robotic arm just misses the car as it flies through the air, and "SMASH", into a glass-walled building, which happens to be the local hospital. The car crashes into the windows of the 34th floor, and lands in a random waiting room, scaring all of the doctors, nurses, patients, and visitors inside. Stewie stops the car engine, swings open the car door, and pulls out a handgun…)

Stewie: Hello everyone. Sorry about the mess and property damage. (clocks gun) Please do me a huge favor and get the fuck out of my sight before I kill you all.

(All of the patients, visitors, doctors, and nurses scream in fear, and run out of the room in multiple directions. Stewie grins and puts his gun away…)

Stewie (laughs): Now that's what I call a whole-room evacuation. (grins and turns around) And it looks like that crazy man has finally given up chasing after me!

(Suddenly, "SMASH!", the massive "Turbo Toilet 2000" robot used one of it's fists and smashed a massive hole into the side of the building, knocking the car out of the way, making the car fly over the receptionist desk and into another interior wall. The massive toilet robot's face smashed a huge hole inside the building, too…)

Professor Poopypants (over the invention's intercom): HERE'S PROFESSOR POOPYPANTS! (laughs and pulls lever, sending the left robotic arm reaching for Stewie)

Stewie: Oh crap! (runs away from robotic arm, trying to not get caught) I better get out of here! (gets cornered against a wall suddenly) Uh oh, I'm cornered!

Professor Poopypants (laughs): NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU NOW! (laughs)

(Suddenly, the robotic arm stops reaching for Stewie and simply drops to the floor, causing severe damage to the floor. The entire "Turbo Toilet 2000" robot falls to it's knees, leans over forward, closes its eyes, and stops moving all together, causing extra damage to several hundred mirrors along the building. On ground level, every single doctor, nurse, receptionist, patient and visitor is running out of the building, as an evacuation process is going on. However, several hundred other patients were still in the hospital, unable to evacuate, as they are in intensive care and post-surgery rooms for the time being. Several hundred staff members )

Professor Poopypants: WHAT?! NO! I ALMOST CAPTURED YOU! (looks down at gas meter) OUT OF GAS?! (growls) Impossible! I filled up several hours ago!

Stewie (laughs and runs down hallway): HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, you can't catch me!

Professor Poopypants: Oh no, you don't! (jumps out of control room and into the building through the massive hole in the glass walls) GET BACK HERE! (chases after Stewie)

(The scene shows Stewie run down the hallway of the hospital's 34th floor, with Professor Poopypants chasing after Stewie…)

Stewie: You can't catch me! (laughs) You're too slow!

Professor Poopypants: GET BACK HERE AND LET ME KILL YOU!

Stewie (runs to the left): NEVER!

Professor Poopypants (runs to the left, almost slipping on a section of wet floor): Oh, I will catch you, little brat. And when I do, you'll never see the light of day ever again! (grabs "Wet Floor" sign and tosses it at Stewie)

Stewie (dodges, causing the "Wet Floor" sign to hit the wall instead): HA-HA! You missed!

(At that point, a patient room service waiter turns to the right into the same hallway where the action is taking place. He doesn't notice neither Stewie or Professor Poopypants as he runs down the hallway…)

Stewie (bumps into patient room service waiter, causing him to fall onto the floor, spilling all of the food and drink onto the floor in the process): HEY! Watch, where you're going! I'm trying to run, here! (runs down the hallway to the left)

Patient room service waiter: HEY! (gets up) You're the one that has to watch where you're going! (wipes food pieces off his pants) SOMEONE has to pick this up off the floor and it's NOT going to be me! (looks over and sees Professor Poopypants running down the hall towards him) HEY, YOU!

Professor Poopypants (stops running): Yes?

Patient room service waiter: Are you chasing after a little boy by any chance?

Professor Poopypants (nervously tugs on his shirt collar): Um…yes…

Patient room service waiter: Well, because of you, he caused me to spill this patient's food and drink over all over the floor. (points to mess on the floor) You must clean this all up, right now! The little boy ran off, so YOU'LL have to be the one to pick it up!

Professor Poopypants: WHAT?! No way!

Patient room service waiter (folds arms): Well, SOMEONE has to pick up this mess. And its NOT going to be me!

Professor Poopypants (pulls out handgun): Uh, I don't think so. (clocks gun)

Patient room service waiter (eyes widen): Oh shit…

Professor Poopypants (fires gun, shooting the room service waiter in the chest, killing him instantly): Goodbye, Mr. Know-It-All! (laughs) Now, to capture that little brat! (drops gun onto the floor and runs down the hallway to the right, going after Stewie) Oh little baby, where are you? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Stewie (runs through doors of an empty operating room): Come and get me, you shitty man! (closes doors)

Professor Poopypants (sees Stewie run through doors and runs toward the doors): AHAH, I got you, now! (kicks open doors and runs in, as Stewie hides behind operating room table) Now, come on out so I can kill you!

Stewie (shivering behind the operating room table, whispering): I got to find a way out of this place! (looks around, seeing a heart monitor system, an anesthesia machine, several metal tanks of oxygen, a cabinet of medicines, and several trays of metal operating instruments) Well, at least I get to see what an operating room looks like.

Professor Poopypants (suddenly appears in front of Stewie, showing an evil grin): Hello there, little brat! I was looking all over the place for you! (laughs and pulls out sharp scalpel) I think it's time for this baby's tonsillectomy! (raises scalpel above his head) IT'S THROAT-CUTTING TIME! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

Stewie (grabs oxygen tank near him): Not today! (lifts tank over his head and "WHAM!", tosses the tank at Professor Poopypants, hitting him on the head very hard, knocking him backwards onto the floor)

Professor Poopypants (drops scalpel and holds head in pain): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! THAT REALLLY HURTS! OH MY GOSH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! That was a freaking METAL OXYGEN TANK for gosh sake! OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! MY HEAD! OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!

Stewie: Well, that's what you get for messing with me, you piece of shit! (gets up, jumps onto operating table, unlocks the wheels, kicks another sturdy oxygen tank, and rolls himself out of the operating room, down a long hallway) SO LONG, PIECE OF SHIT!

Professor Poopypants (gets up and face reddens): THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE TO MAKE! (runs after Stewie, makes a flying leap, and lands on top of the fast-moving operating table) AH-AH! Here's Professor Poopypants!

Stewie (turns around as the operating room table speeds faster and faster down the hallway): You again!? (pulls out knife) It's time for me to slit YOUR throat now! (swings knife at Professor Poopypants's throat)

Professor Poopypants (dodges knife blade and does a roundhouse kick, knocking the knife out of Stewie's hands): HAHA! Now, you have no knife! (laughs)

Stewie (grabs Professor Poopypants by the neck and tries to choke him): Oh, I got you know! Surrender!

Professor Poopypants: I…wouldn't…do…that…if…I…were…you…(points to what's at the end of the hallway)

Stewie (glares): Oh really? And why's that? (turns around and sees a pane of glass at the end of the hallway) Holy shit… (let's go of Professor Poopypants's throat)

Professor Poopypants (laughs): That glass is thick if I'm not mistken. A simple table like this can't break through it. The minute we hit the glass, we'll stop moving, and then I can finally kill you! (laughs)

Stewie (grins): Or WILL we stop?! (pulls out a hammer) I think its time to get SMASHING!

Professor Poopypants (gasps): NO! PLEASE, NO! NOT THAT!

Stewie (grins): Yes, Professor Poopypants, THAT! (stands up at the front edge of the operating room table)

Professor Poopypants: No, please! Anything but that!

Stewie: Too late! (tosses hammer at the window, smashing it in the process) It's time to FALL! (laughs)

(The operating room table reaches the end of the hallway, causing it to flip over, and fall out the window, 34 stories down, and "PLOP!", land in a manmade shallow lake al the very bottom. Stewie falls down the 34 stories, but Professor Poopypants holds on to a large piece of glass at the bottom off the windowsill, holding on for his dear life…)

Stewie (falling towards the manmade lake): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (lands in the manmade lake) Am…am…I still alive?! (lifts head up and looks around) YES! I DID IT! (sits up) I SURVIVED THE FALL!

(Scene shows Professor Poopypants still holding onto the piece of glass. Suddenly, "SNAP!", it breaks, sending Professor Poopypants falling all the way down towards the lake, too…)

Professor Poopypants (falling towards the manmade lake): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (lands in the manmande lake) Wait…I'm not dead? (gets up and looks around) YES! VICTORY IS MINE! I'm still alive! HORRAY FOR PROFESSOR POOPYPANTS!

Stewie (suddenly grabs Professor Poopypants in a chokehold and makes him fall backwards onto the floor): TIME TO DIE, MAN! (chokes him hard) Any last words?!

Professor Poopypants (struggling to breathe): Yes…I…do…have…some…last…words…

Stewie (glares): Alright, what are they?! (chokes Professor Poopypants harder than before)

Professor Poopypants: They…are…THIS! (stomps on Stewie's right foot, causing him to let go of Professor Poopypants)

Stewie: OW! (let's go of Professor Poopypants in pain) OW, MY FUCKING FOOT! (falls backwards out of the edge of the lake) That's you, you drew the line (pulls out sword) Time to lose your head! (swings head at Professor Poopypants, managing to cut him in the left arm)

Professor Poopypants (falls backwards out of the edge of the lake in pain, grabbing his bleeding left arm with his right hand): AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (gets up very quickly) YOU CUT MY ARM!

Stewie: No shit, Sherlock! It seems that Mr. Obvious is right on time today. (looks over to his left and sees a hospital golf cart) Got to go! Bye! (runs off and heads towards the golf cart) You can't catch me while I'm on a golf card! (jump on, turns the key, and speeds away from the area surrounding the back of the hospital building)

Professor Poopypants (gets up as the bleeding on his left arm slowly stops): Ugh, this kid is DRIVING ME CRAZY TODAY! And now, HE'S GETTING AWAY! (gets out remote control) Well, thankfully, I have ANOTHER invention that can stop him! (presses red button on remote)

(Scene cuts to Stewie Griffin speeding down the road on the stolen golf cart, driving past several random cars, trucks, buses, taxicabs, and other vehicles as he does…)

Stewie (stops at a red light) Man, that guy back there was such an evil asshole. But, now that he's taken care of, I can continue my day like that whole thing never happened. (smiles) Hmmm, I wonder what's on the radio…(turns on radio knob)

(The radio begins to play the extended version of the theme song for "Sponegbob Squrepants"…)

Stewie (smiles): Ah, perfect! I love "Spongebob Squrepants"! (hums to tune of song as it plays over the radio) Man, I wish I could live in a pineapple under the sea!

(Suddenly, the entire ground begins to vibrate. Stewie looks behind him and sees Professor Poopypants inside his massive invention called the, "Gerbil-Jogger 2000", chasing after him…)

Professor Poopypants: Hello again, little child! (grins evilly) Ready to die today!? Well, if not, TOO BAD! (stops robotic foot at Stewie)

Stewie: HOLY SHIT! (turns off radio) Well, you'll have to CATCH ME FIRST! (slams foot down on the gas pedal and speeds off, running the red right, and speeding past several cars, buses, trucks, and other random vehicles)

Professor Poopypants (grins): Oh, I WILL! (pulls lever, allowing the "Gerbil-Jogger 2000" to chase after Stewie) Once I catch you, I'll simply kill you right on the spot! I won't even need to perform painful tests on you anymore. Oh no, not after all that you DID TO ME! (tries to grab Stewie with a robotic arm, but misses as Stewie makes a sharp right turn)

Stewie: You missed me! You missed me! (laughs and turns to the left) Now, you got to kiss me! (laughs) Man, you're such a looser! (dodges a group of random cyclists)

Professor Poopypants (turns to the left and chases after Stewie again): NO ONE ESCAPES MY CLUTCHES! (runs over several random stores, crushing them to rubble) No one escapes PROFESSOR POOPYPANTS! (laughs and jumps over a random highway overpass bridge)

Stewie (turns to the right, suddenly seeing a random "Starbucks" coffee shop in front of him): Oh shit…(closes eyes) Here we go…

(Stewie speeds through the parking lot, nearly knocking over a random family. Stewie then crashes through the glass windows of the coffee shop, knocking over several empty tables and chairs in the process. The golf cart then stops, as the electrical system got damaged during the crash. All off the customers and coffee shop employees gasps at the sight of the golf cart and Stewie. Stewie opens his eyes, jumps out of the golf cart, and pulls out a Tommy gun…)

Stewie: All of you better scram or I'LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU! (clocks gun) NOW!

(All of the scared coffee shop employees and customers scream in terror, and run off, escaping the coffee shop through the massive hole and front door at the front of the coffee shop…)

Stewie (fires Tommy gun as the coffee shop employees and customers flee the scene): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YES, I SURVIVED! (puts Tommy gun away) And the best part is, there's no crazy man with a funny name in sight.

(Suddenly, the entire roof of the "Starbucks" coffee shop gets ripped off and tossed away by the robotic arms of the "Gerbil-Jogger 2000". Professor Poopypants grins and reaches for Stewie with both robotic arms…)

Professor Poopypants: I GOT YOU NOW, LITTLE BRAT! (reaches for Stewie with the invention's robotic arms)

Stewie (jumps over the service counter): I got to stop that machine! (notices hose connected to a tap water faucet) I GOT IT! (grabs nose nozzle and turns on water faucet) Hey Poopypants, I got a surprise for you! (jumps on top of the service counter and holds up hose with a high-pressure stream of water) EAT THIS! (sprays water onto the chest of the "Gerbil-Jogger 2000", suddenly causing the giant invention to short out, as the water seeped into the machine via tiny openings in the chest) Oh, I guess you hate water? WELL, TOO BAD! (laughs)

(The giant "Gerbil-Jogger 2000" falls over, destroying the front wall of the "Starbucks" coffee shop. The glass dome of the invention smashes to piece, causing Professor Poopypants to fall out of it, landing on the floor off the coffee shop…)

Professor Poopypants (gets up, face reddens, and steam pours out of his ears): Little kid, you're going to pay the price for ALL of the pain and misery you caused me! (notices sharp knife on table nearby) And I think I know just the way to MAKE YOU PAY! (grabs knife, jumps onto the service counter, and charges toward Stewie) TIME TO DIE! (swings knife at Stewie)

Stewie (pulls out a katana and blocks Professor Poopypants's knife): I'm sorry, but I think YOU'RE going to die today!

Professor Poopypants (swings knife again): Oh yeah?! We'll see about that!

(Stewie and Professor Poopypants keep on fighting each other with their sharp weapons, like how pirate sword fights play out. Suddenly, after 50 seconds of fighting, "CLINK!", Stewie's katana slices Professor Poopypants's knife in half…)

Professor Poopypants (gasps): WHAT THE!?

Stewie (laughs): I win and you lose! (tosses katana at Professor Poopypants, missing him in the process) Ugh! Just die, already! (jumps behind the service counter and notices coffee maker and heater machine) Hmmm…(runs toward coffee machine and pressed button marked, "Coffee Heater") Hehehehe…(notices Professor Poopypants approach him angrily) Uh oh…uh…hey Mr. Professor Poopypants, I got a science question for you before you kill me! (shivers)

Professor Poopypants (rubs chin and looks to the right for a moment): Hmm…well, I guess so…very well, what's the question? I know ALL about science!

Stewie (grins): Well, my question is…how hot can coffee get?

Professor Poopypants (looks toward Stewie): Well, in a coffee machine, I guess it can go up to 90 degrees Fahrenheit. Why do you ask? Is it because we're in a coffee shop?

Stewie (grins): No. (reaches for now-hot coffee holder cup and grabs it) It's because of…THIS! (sprays very hot coffee at Professor Poopypants, hitting him in the face)

Professor Poopypants (falls over backwards onto the floor, covering his face in pain): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT COFFEE MUST BE 190 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT, YOU MORON! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT HURTS!

Stewie (laughs and drops coffee holder cup): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I burned your face!

Professor Poopypants (gets up and grabs multiple knifes from the service counter): NO ONE BURNS MY FACE! (tosses all sharp knifes at Stewie, one by one)

Stewie (dodges all knives): Dude, you might as well stop throwing projectiles at me of you're going to keep missing. (laughs and escapes through back door)

Professor Poopypants (runs after Stewie): GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE BABY!

Stewie (runs through alleyway and sees another random car diving by): Perfect! It looks like I got myself another ride! (runs in front of car and pulls out handgun) STOP THAT CAR!

(The driver, who happens to me Ms. Ribble, a teacher from "Jerome Horwitz Elementary", stops the car so fast and ends up 2 inches away from Stewie. She opens the window and looks out…)

Ms. Ribble: Hey kid, get out of the road!

Stewie (fires handgun, hitting the left rear-view mirror): SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF THE CAR!

Ms. Ribble (screams, opens car down, and steps out, holding her arms above her head): Okay! Okay! I'm out! Please don't shoot me!

Stewie (grins and puts gun away): Thank you, ma'am. (runs up to car door, jumps inside, and closes door) For that, you won't get shot. (speeds off, running another red light)

Professor Poopypants (runs up to Ms. Ribble as Stewie drives away): MA'AM! MA'AM! (pants) Where…is…the…little…baby…in…red…overalls?

Ms. Ribble (points to the right): He went that way.

Professor Poopypants (smiles): Thank you. (runs off, noticing a parked motorcycle on the curb, with the keys still in the ignition) Now THAT'S A COOL RIDE! (jumps on motorcycle and speeds away, going after Stewie)

(At that point, a random teenage boy walks out of a store, seeing Professor Poopypants steal his motorcycle…)

Teenage boy: HEY! (runs over to the curb) THAT'S MY MOTORCYCLE!

Professor Poopypants (looks behind him): Sorry, but it's for a good cause! I'll return it later, okay? (looks forward again, increasing the speed of the motorcycle)

(The scene cuts to Stewie, speeding through a random neighborhood. Suddenly, a random car approaches Stewie from in front of him…)

Stewie: HOLY SHIT! (makes a sharp turn to the left, causing him to crash through a fence of a backyard) Well, it looks like I'll have to cut THROUGH the yards! (speeds through random backyards, smashing through wooden and/or chain-link fences) YIPEE! Man, this is just like riding a horse in a rodeo! (crashes through several more backyards

(Scene cuts to a random backyard that happens to belong to George Beard and his family. George and his friend, Harold Hutchins, are playing football in the backyard, tossing a football back and forth…)

George (catches football and tosses it back to Harold): Man, this is fun!

Harold (catches football and tosses it back to George): Yeah, it really is. Hey, I have a new idea for a new "Captain Underpants" comic!

George (catches football): Really? Cool! What is the idea?

Harold: "Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Monster Footballs"! Great name, huh?

George (tosses football back to Harold): Yeah, that's a great name. Let's play one more round of football and then get to work on it!

Harold (catches football): Alright. That's a good idea!

(Stewie suddenly crashes through the fence surrounding George's family's backyard, and speeds through the backyard, flattening flowerbeds, knocking over trashcans, and creating tire tracks in the grass in the process. As Stewie drives through more backyards, George and Harold watch the whole event, shocked by what they have just seen…)

George: What the heck?!

Harold: Was that a…BABY driving a CAR?!

George (drops football): Yes…(gulps) it was.

Harold: Man, now that's something you don't see every day…

Goerge: Man, my mom is going to FREAK OUT when she sees this after work!

Harold: Don't worry. It CANNOT get any worse!

(Professor Poopypants suddenly speeds into the backyard, stopping in his tracks as he sees George and Harold, who see him, fall over after trying to run, and freak out…)

George: P-P-P-P-P-P-Professor Poopypants! (screams in fear)

Harold: Please don't hurt us! (shivers in hear) We're sorry!

Profressor Poopypants (steps off motorcycle): Relax, you brats! I'm not here to deal with you! I'm just here to catch that baby and kill it!

Harold: K-k-k-kill it?! (shivers)

Professor Poopypants: SHUT UP! (grins evilly) Now, to avoid getting hurt with my thrust for revenge, tell me which way that baby went!

George and Harold (in unison, pointing to the right): HE WENT THAT WAY! (shivers in fear)

Professor Poopypants (grins): Thank you, kids. (steps back on bike) I'll be back to deal with you two later! (laughs and speeds off through the path of damage that Stewie had caused)

(Scene cuts to Stewie Griffin driving the car out of the residential area of town, and through a small playground. He then turns to the left after dodging a group of random police officers on lunch break. Steiwe then notices the front double doors of a school called "Jerome Horwitz Elementary School"…)

Stewie (grins): Hmmm…(looks behind him and then forward again): I guess since that idiotic man isn't following me, I guess can cause some mayhem! (speeds towards the school doors very fast) IT'S MAYHEM TIME!

(Stewie crashes through the doors of the school, breaking them to pieces. He then speeds down the hallway, scaring several students, teachers, and other staff members, who all dodge and jump out of the way in terror. Stewie laughs with delight as he makes a left turn…)

Stewie (notices and open door in the hallway that leads to the main office): Hmmm, I wonder what's in here. (stop car and opens up window)

(Stewie sees a female office worker on the telephone, on hold, waiting for someone from the other end to talk to her. As she was still on hold, background music was playing in the background…

Stewie: On hold?

Female officer worker (nods in reply)

Stewie: Ugh, I hate when that happens. Well, I hope that ends well for you. (closes window and continues speeding down the hallway) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love causing trouble! Nothing can stop me now and ruin this moment!

(Professor Poopypants suddenly speeds in through the now-smashed doors and laughs evilly…)

Professor Poopypants: But I can! (laughs) Surrender, little brat! (increases speed of motorcycle)

Stewie (looks in rear-view mirror): Oh crap! This is not good! (makes a sharp left turn, speeding towards one of the 2 pairs of double doors of the school's library) Uh oh…

(Stewie crashes through the library doors, ripping them off their hinges. He knocks over several bookshelves in the center sections of the school library, causing hundreds of varieties of books fall onto the floor, creating a big mess. All of the students inside, except for one, run out in fear, as well as the librarian…)

Stewie (turns off car's ignition and opens car door): That…was…AWESONE! (jumps out of car) But now, this is not a good time.

Professor Poopypants (speeds inside with motorcycle): NO KIDDING, LITTLE BOY! (stops bike and steps off) So, you think you can hide in a school to escape my clutches?! (pulls out double-bladed axe) I don't think so! (evilly grins and swings axe at Stewie)

Stewie (dodges blade and pulls out harpoon gun): DIE! (fires harpoon, knocking the axe out of Professor Poopypant's hand)

Professor Poopypants (pulls out spiky mace): No…YOU DIE! (swings mace at Stewie)

Stewie (dodges, causing the mace to hit a large bookcase instead, knocking it over, breaking it, and causing several more books to fall onto the floor) HAHA! MISSED! (dodges mace as Professor Poopypants swings it again) Jeez man, you can't hit a child!? No wonder you're a looser…

Professor Poopypants (pulls out running chainsaw): I'm…not…a…LOOSER! (charges toward Stewie with the chainsaw)

(A few feet away from the battle area, a nerdy kid named Melvin Sneedly is standing in front of the librarian's desk, stamping some date information on the last pages of several books. He is wearing headphones and listening to classical music on an "MP3" player. He doesn't notice anything going on behind him. But he leaves his wallet on the desk…)

Melvin (stamps the last page of the last book): Ah, all finished. Nothing like a nice day of library volunteering after lunch. (grabs two books he checked out) Well, I better get to math class. I LOVE studying ratios and the order of operations!

(Melvin exits the school library through the unaffected pair of double doors, still not noticing anything going on)

Stewie (jumps over Professor Poopypant's head, doing a backflip mid-air, landing on a middle shelf of a bookcase behind him) HIYA! (pulls out whip and snaps it at Professor Poopypants, hitting him on the neck and causing him to drop his chainsaw)

Professor Poopypants (turns around) OW! (grabs a heavy 5th grade mathematics textbook) Oh, I think it's MATH TIME! (tosses book at Stewie)

Stewie (dodges book): Missed me!

Professor Poopypants (grabs 4th grade science textbook): Dodge THIS! (tosses book at Stewie)

Stewie (does another flip mid-air and jumps onto the floor): Missed again! (pulls out grenade and yanks out pin) EXPLOSION TIME! (tosses grenade at Profressor Poopypants, who dodges, causing the grenade to hit another bookcase, exploding, and causing the bookcase to topple over onto Professor Poopypants) HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Professor Poopypants (punches large hole in bookcase and climbs out, holding a stick of dynamite) Oh, so you think you can cause an explosion? (pulls out a lighter and lights the stick of dynamite) Well, TAKE THIS! (tosses stick of dynamite at Stewie)

Stewie (dodges stick, allowing he stick of dynamite to hit a nearby wall instead): MISSED ME AGAIN, PIECE OF SHIT!

(The stick of dynamite explodes, creating a hole in the wall…)

Professor Poopypants (pulls out another stick of dynamite): TIME TO DIE, LITTLE BABY! (pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it up, and tosses it at Stewie, which lands near Stewie's feet)

Stewie (sees its 1 second away from explosion and throwing it is not possible): Oh shit…

("KABOOM!", the stick of dynamite explodes, throwing Stewie across the room, and onto a pile of books and broken pieces of a bookcase…)

Stewie (groans in pain): Oh fuck, this is not good. (notices a handgun of his gun a few feet away from him) Must…grab…gun…(reaches for gun)

(Suddenly, Professor Poopypants holds Stewie down with one of his feet. He looks down at a now bruised and cut Stewie Griffin, and grins evilly…)

Professor Poopypants: Well, well, well…look at what we have here. (reaches for double-bladed axe) It seems that this little baby is going to pay the ultimate price for messing with me, Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants! (grabs double-bladed axe and lifts Stewie off the ground with his other hand. (puts blade close to Stewie's neck) Well little baby, its time to die. (laughs)

Stewie: NOT TODAY! (bites Professor Poopypants on his left hand)

Professor Poopypants (let's go of Stewie in pain, drops axe, and falls backward on his butt): YYYYEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (rubs hand) You…you….you bit me!

Stewie (grins): I know…(pulls out a running chainsaw) But that was just the beginning…OF YOUR DEATH!

Professor Poopypants: No, wait! Please, don't kill me! (tries to back away) We can talk about this, okay!?

Stewie: Hmmm, let me think…NO! (swings chainsaw at Professor Poopypants, hitting him in the stomach, cutting him in half, and causing blood and multiple internal oragans to spew all over the room...)

Professor Poopypants (in throbbing pain as he's cut in half): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (blood pours out of his mouth) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (closes eyes and dies)

Stewie (turns off chainsaw and puts it away): YES! I DID IT! (dances all around the room) YIPEE! YAHOO! HORRAY! YEAH! YAY! WHOHOOOOOOO! (sees open window) Now, I better get out of here before the police show up! (jumps out the window and runs off, heading back to his house)

(Suddenly, at that very moment, Melvin Sneedly walks back into the library to get his wallet, but as he grabs it, he suddenly sees the dead body of Professor Poopypants, internal organs, books, broken bookcases, and blood all over the room…)

Melvin (sees dead body and gasps) What the?! (drops wallet onto the floor) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (runs out of the room) HELP! WE NEED HELP! THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THE LIBRARY! IS MR. KRUP HERE?! MR. KRUP! MR. KRUP! MR. KRUP! (runs down the hallway and runs toward the office)

KO!

Boomstick: Wiz…that…was…AWESOME! (jumps out of chair) STEWIE BEAT AN EVIL SCIENTIST! HIGH-FIVE, STEWIE! (dances around the room with joy)

Wiz (sighs): Boomstick, please relax. Anyways folks, you just witness the LONGEST "Death Battle" to ever take place! So, as you can see, both Stewie and Professor Poopypants were evenly skilled in combat, could both drive a vehicle very fast, and both could use weapons with little to no struggle!

Boomstick (relaxes and sits back down in his seat): But despite the skill of an evil scientist, Professor Poopypants could NOT beat Stewie, as he's already failed MANY evil schemes in the past, beaten by 2 kids and man flying around, wearing nothing but unperpants. Stewie however, has NEVER been defeated, and he's always been a real winner when it comes to these battles to the death. Not ONCE has he EVER been defeated. And Professor Poopypant's adventures, while built with good intentions, were NOT prepared for fighting against Stewie's skills and abilities.

Wiz: Stewie's skills were better than Professor Poopypants's, as he's more skilled than him, and is a person that's hard to beat. Stewie can also take quite a punch and still SURVIVE, like that time he fought that girl, Penelope.

Boomstick: And now, George and Harold can relax, knowing that Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants is dead and burning in Hell for all that he's done in the past. And now, everyone in the city can all sleep soundly, knowing that the evil scientist is dead!

Wiz: In conclusion of our longest "Death Battle" ever, the winner is Stewie Griffin.

Boomstick: Thank you all for watching, and we'll see you next time on "Death Battle"!

Wiz: This is Wiz…

Boomstick: And this is Boomstick, signing off!

THE END!

Well, it looks like Stewie Griffin triumphs again! And this time, the opponent DESERVED to die! Professor Poopypants shouldn't have messee with Stewie, but now, he's dead, burning in Hell, and paying the price for doing so. Also, if you haven't seen the "Captain Underpants" movie yet, I would highly recommend doing so, as the film is AMAZING in my opinion. It should be seen by as many people as possible before it's out of theaters and on its way to DVD release. But until then, this episode of Season 2 should entertain out all until that day comes. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's all move on over to Episode 9 of Season 2 of this very epic and action-packed miniseries...