A/N Thanks for all the reviews everyone! To make up for the craziness that has been going on with this site lately, I'm giving you a double chapter. I didn't want to leave you hanging in case I couldn't post again for some reason! Hope you enjoy it!
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In the black darkness of his bedroom, Sirius shot up in fright. His face and neck were covered in sweat and chest was heaving. He pushed a hand through his hair and found it slick with moisture. With pinpricks of colored light interfering with his vision, he sat still for a minute to compose himself. Slowly, the wave of panic receded and his breathing returned to normal.
He wasn't at all surprised to have had the recurring nightmare tonight. After everything that had happened this afternoon, it was to be expected. Of course, such a blunt reminder of that long ago incident only strengthened the gripping panic of his night terror. So much so that he could actually still taste the caustic remains of the sickly sweet butterbeer scented air against the back of his throat.
As usual, his first truly conscious thought had immediately gone to Harry. He felt a pain, similar to what a knife in the chest must feel like, stab him unexpectedly. He wanted to go to his godson and check on him like he always did after the dream, but tonight he hesitated for a moment. For the first time he felt as if his presence might be truly unwanted in his godson's room and it crushed him.
He only gave it a split second of thought before swinging his legs around to the edge of his bed. Wanted or not, he was going to make sure that his Harry was okay.
He took a brief second to splash his face with water and then briskly made his way to his godson's room. He paused, just a fraction of a second, to listen for any noise that might indicate whether or not the boy was asleep and he heard nothing. Gently pushing the door open, he saw the small figure curled up on the bed. He frowned at the sight. He had often come in to check on Harry during the night and he never slept in that kind of position. Usually the boy sprawled out as much as possible, throwing his bedcovers and pillows every which way.
In silent long strides, he crossed the room quickly and stopped short to stare at the motionless figure on the bed. Harry's breathing was even, but he didn't look peaceful. His pale face was pinched, his nose swollen and red, even his cheeks had streaks of tears that didn't quite look dry on them. Sirius sighed deeply. He felt so lost and helpless. He had wanted so much to comfort the boy.
It hadn't been like this the last time he had spanked Harry. Yes, that event had been hard on both of them, but when it was over, it had been over. He had been able to take Harry into his arms and comfort both of them when the deed had been done. This time, the whole thing just felt so wrong and Sirius didn't know why.
Was his godson angry at him for smacking him in front of his friends? Possibly, but he hadn't done it intentionally to embarrass him. Honestly, with all the worry and commotion, he had truly forgotten that they had even been there. Was he upset that Sirius had spanked him with his pants down? Well, that was possible too, but Sirius didn't really think so. Harry's attitude had already been dissociative before the spanking had even started. And, quite frankly, although he detested the necessity of such an action, Sirius didn't necessarily feel guilty about spanking him. Harry had deserved it and it hadn't even been as firm as his first one had been for a much less severe offense.
So, what had happened?
He didn't have any answers to the questions raging inside of him. All he knew was that he wanted to hold his boy in his arms and tell him that he loved him and would always take care of him. Not being able to comfort him after he had had to punish him was a punishment for Sirius too.
Sirius looked over at Harry's desk and was not surprised to see the uneaten tray of food sitting there. He had come up at dinnertime to tell Harry that he could come down and eat with him, but the boy had already gone to bed and he had not wanted to wake him. It could very well be that he was tired and overwhelmed from what had turned out to be a very long weekend. So, he had had Dobby send up a tray in case his godson had woken up and was hungry. Apparently, he had not.
Returning his gaze to the sleeping boy, his heart hurt over the forlorn look the boy had even as he slumbered. He would have to find some way to get through to him. It was killing him to see his beloved child in such pain.
Sighing deeply, he pulled the bedcovers up a little around Harry's chest. He bent over and gently brushed a few stray hairs from Harry's forehead before placing a soft kiss near the scar. He whispered a very quiet "I love you" before standing back up and retreating back to his own room, heart heavy, knowing that sleep would not come easy tonight.
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When Harry heard his godfather close the door as he left his bedroom, he opened his eyes. The tears that had been falling fairly steadily all evening threatened again and he hastily brushed them away with the back of his hand, annoyed that he couldn't seem to stop crying like a toddler. Sirius didn't know how often Harry was actually awake when his godfather made one of his nocturnal visits. Harry loved the warmth and comfort he felt as his godfather gently fussed over the state of his blankets and pillows before kissing him good night. At his age, Harry knew he should be embarrassed by such attention, but he loved it just the same. He liked to think that it was something that his Mum or Dad would have done regularly as he grew up.
Now, especially, the visit was even more of a comfort than normal. Harry didn't feel really guilty about the love Sirius showed him while he thought that Harry was asleep. After all, Harry wasn't actively doing anything that would prompt Sirius to feel as though he should show some affection. He was just sleeping, after all. Besides which, since Harry had sworn off receiving any affection from Sirius while he was "awake", he needed the night time solace even more. He still felt guilty about it, as he should be denying himself all such comforts, but he just couldn't bring himself to reveal his conscious state and halt the quiet visits. He needed to know, on some level, that he was still loved.
He rolled over and felt the small last lingering discomfort from the paddling he had received earlier. A lump formed in his throat as he thought about what had happened. He had been almost wounded by the brevity of it. It had even been shorter than the first one he had been given which didn't make any sense to him. It was almost as if Sirius didn't even think it was worth his time to properly punish him for what he had done. Not that it hadn't hurt because, really, it had. Harry had been surprised by how much more the swats stung when they were smacking against a bare bottom. Under other circumstances, he knew that he would have been wailing at the top of his lungs. As it was, he had almost chewed a hole through his cheek as he bit down to keep from protesting.
But then, Sirius had just given up and pulled him to his feet. Harry had desperately wanted to bury his face into his godfather's chest and cry it out. He so wanted Sirius to hold him and rub his back and tell him that he forgave him. But that was what had stopped Harry from letting him hold him.
Sirius would forgive him. He might still be upset about it, but he would forgive Harry, and Harry knew that he didn't deserve to be forgiven. Nor did he deserve to have his godfather lavish love and attention on him when he was such an unworthy child. It had almost killed him to do it, but he had finally stopped his godfather from embracing him.
It was just better that way.
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When Sirius walked into the dining room for breakfast the next morning, he was surprised to see that Harry was already seated at the table. His godson was dressed neatly in a polo shirt and khaki pants and, what seemed to be, his school shoes. Sirius paused, in mid stride, a little shocked. Harry was strictly a T-shirt and jeans kind of boy and, so far, had only worn the dressier clothes that his godfather had insisted on buying him the day of his birthday. He didn't really know what to make of the boy's attire.
Taking his place at the head of the table, he gave Harry a warm, if confused, smile.
"Good morning, Harry."
Harry raised his head briefly. There was no trace of emotion on his face and the look of it caused his godfather's smile to falter a bit.
"Good morning, sir."
Sirius frowned. Good morning, SIR? What did that mean?
He decided to ignore Harry's unusual use of the honorific for a moment and make light conversation to see if it would ease the heavy mood that already seemed to settle in the room.
"You look nice this morning. Any special reason?" he asked gently, still smiling.
"I'm ready for my Transfiguration lesson," he answered, rather cryptically his godfather thought.
What does his lesson have to do with the change in attire? He's never been asked to dress for it before.
Sirius was genuinely perplexed. They had always tried to make Harry's lessons as comfortable as possible. Even his more formal Occlumency lessons had not required anything special in his presentation.
"Harry, you don't need to dress up for your lessons, you know. After breakfast, why don't you put on something a little less restrictive?"
Harry dropped his eyes to his lap. "I'm fine, thank you," he responded quietly as Sirius raked his hair in frustration.
This morning was already not going well.
Their breakfast appeared before them then, and Sirius was surprised to see Harry tucking into his hot cereal without a word of complaint. There was no mucking about as he ate which was highly unusual. Even as he was good humored about it, he still always fussed a little. This morning...nothing. Sirius sighed.
"Harry...about yesterday," he started and then quickly stopped when Harry scrunched up his eyes and dropped his spoon into the bowl with a loud clatter. He immediately sensed his godson tensing up which is exactly what he didn't want to happen. He wanted to talk about what happened to ease the tension between them, not make it worse. He reached over to put a comforting hand on Harry's now empty spoon hand which was twitching slightly on top of the table. To his chagrin, Harry pulled it away before he got too close to it. Hurt, Sirius pulled back and rested his hand back in his lap and let out a deep breath.
"Okay, Harry. It's okay. Never mind," he said, very sadly.
In complete silence, the two finished breakfast.
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A large raincloud had settled over their little household and Sirius didn't know what to do about it. His morning lesson with his godson had gone well, academically speaking. Harry paid rapt attention to the material that he was being tutored in. He participated fully, asking the appropriate questions, answering politely when spoken to. His intense concentration resulted in a successful transfiguration of a bottle brush into a jumper. However, Sirius was deeply concerned. Part of the endearing spark that made his godson Harry was missing, and it was the part that Sirius loved about him the most. He missed the sparkle in the vivid green eyes, the little frown of concentration when he was thinking really hard and just the awkward, jerky little movements made by a teen growing into an ever changing body, like a young colt testing out his legs for the first time.
Harry was acting like a complete stranger to him now. He couldn't fault the behavior, technically. The boy was being nothing but polite and attentive. He just wasn't being himself. What did one do in this kind of situation? Was it simply a case of a bruised ego that was turning his godson into what the Muggles would refer to as a "Stepford child"? Against his better judgment, Sirius decided to just let it go for the meantime. Remus was coming by for tea later and he would ask his opinion.
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"I don't know what to do with him, Moony," Sirius sighed as he poured a steaming cup from the recently repaired pot. "I could take sulking after what happened, but this isn't a sulk. I don't know what this is."
Remus took the offered cup and settled back into his chair. He sat thoughtfully for a brief moment as he quietly sipped, his face a mask of contemplation. Sirius had explained everything to him. He could see the hurt in the other man's eyes when he described Harry's repeated rebuffs at Sirius' attempts to give affection.
"He's an adolescent, Padfoot. Their moods change from one thing to the next in the flash of an eye. Have you tried talking to him again?"
Sirius took a deep breath, his eyes pained. "Yes, twice. Every time I try, he tenses up and goes completely pale. It scares me to see him like that. Do you think I really traumatized him? I'm really worried. I mean, what should I have done? I couldn't just pretend that nothing happened, could I?"
Remus shook his head. "No, you couldn't ignore his defiance. And from what you tell me, you didn't even punish him as firmly as you did after the Hogsmeade trip, so I don't know why he would be traumatized this time. Maybe he is still just a little shaken up by his experience inside the grove."
Sirius nodded slowly and took a sip of his tea. He absently rubbed his thumb over the gold filagree of the cup as he pondered the possibility of any long term effects of exposure to the poisonous trees. He had spent much more time in there than Harry had and he didn't suffer from a radical personality change. He was desperately hoping that Harry had not been exposed to something harsher inside there than Sirius had.
Remus leaned back towards the table and gently set his cup down as he gave his long time friend a comforting pat on the arm.
"Keep an eye on him for the next day or so. I'm sure he'll snap out of it," he said as comfortingly as he could.
In the meantime, I'll speak to him myself, he thought to himself, a little cross at the boy's treatment of his godfather.
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Harry was already awake before the sun had peeked into his windows the next morning. He turned over to his side and hugged the pillow next to him as he willed himself to get up and face another day of his godfather's disappointed looks.
He was trying, he really was.
He had put on some of his nicest clothes yesterday to show Sirius that he respected his lessons enough to take then as seriously as he would if he were at Hogwarts. He had been on his best behavior and used his best manners all day. He had worked really hard at his lesson to please his godfather. He even kept himself in the library all day to study for next week. He wasn't sure how much more he could do to show Sirius that he wanted to be obedient and not a disappointment, but his godfather still looked sad.
Sirius hadn't even grounded him like he had told him that he would if he went into the grove. Maybe he didn't feel like he should even bother. After all, Harry just went ahead and did want he wanted to anyway. Maybe Sirius felt he didn't even need to go through the trouble of a reprimand if Harry was just going to disobey him. So, Harry grounded himself. He put the Firebolt away in the cupboard, confined himself to the library for the day and went up to bed at eight o'clock.
Harry would show his godfather that he felt real remorse for his defiance and then, maybe, Sirius would realize that he was worth the trouble.
He got out of bed and washed up. Silently, he padded over to his wardrobe and pulled out another set of nice clothes. He would keep this up as long as he had to.
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Remus sat with the nattily dressed boy in the library after taking breakfast with the two morose and visibly tired members of the household. Something was definitely broken between the two of them and Remus was determined to get to the bottom of it. At the table, Sirius had attempted to bend down and kiss the top of his godson's head as he left them after the meal. Harry, sensing his approach, had ducked gently out of the way. Remus had choked up at the look of hurt on his friend's face, but Sirius had pushed it aside quickly and squared his shoulders as he bid them a pleasant morning. What Sirius didn't see, and Remus did, was the look of sadness on Harry's face after his godfather had left the room. Not fear, not anger, sadness.
Whatever this was, it ran deep.
He had tried to broach the subject of what had happened Monday afternoon with Harry and received the same tense rebuff that Sirius had described, so he was fairly sure that it wasn't Sirius that was the problem. Harry sat quietly at the table, hands in his lap, waiting for the lesson to begin. He had a placid look on his face as if he could wait all day until it was convenient for his old professor to begin the instructions.
After giving the matter much thought, Remus decided to do something that could very well upset Sirius even more than he already was. Although he knew that it was not his place to tell Harry what he was about to tell him, Remus could no longer stand by and watch the two people he cared most about in the world continue to suffer.
Harry needed to know exactly how much his godfather loved him.
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"Harry, put your book away. We're going to veer off course a little with today's lesson," Remus said casually, startling the boy out of his blank demeanor. Obediently, Harry closed his DADA text book and sat up straight to give his professor his full attention.
"Since we missed Charms on Monday," he continued, noticing the small shift in Harry's demeanor at the mention of The Day, "I thought we would have a lesson that would combine a charm with something that could most definitely be considered a defense. Have you ever heard of the Jacturius Charm?"
"No, sir." Harry shook his head, his face showing a small interested expression.
Pleased to have gotten the boy's full attention, Remus smiled and crossed his arms casually as he leaned against the table.
"The Jacturius Charm, Harry, is the magical spell used when the head of a wizarding family has a person sealed as their heir." He paused, waiting for the statement to sink in.
"But sir," Harry frowned and knitted his eyebrows in thought, "why do you need a charm to do that? Isn't it just a matter of writing a will that names the person as an heir? And how is it considered a defense?"
Remus smiled at the quick understanding. "Good, Harry. Very good. Why, indeed." He moved around the table and sat down directly across from the boy to better judge his facial expressions.
"In wizarding families, there are certainly documents that are filed with the Ministry declaring who is going to be the material heir to an estate, just like in the Muggle world. Not all families bother with the official sealing. As a matter of fact, many of them don't. It's not a simple matter of declaring an heir. There is risk involved in doing so."
"What kind of risk, sir? What are the benefits?" Harry was genuinely intrigued by the idea and its ramifications.
"Well, first of all, the charm can only be done once in a lifetime. If the head of a family chooses to invoke the sealing, their choice can never be undone. As sad as it sounds, that means that should something ever happen to the original heir, there could never be another one and everything would be lost irrevocably. It's quite a risk to take if a head of house has more than one possible material heir."
Harry nodded, understanding and waiting for Remus to continue.
"Sometimes, however, the risk is taken because of the benefits of the sealing. The benefits are not without risks of their own, however. When a head of house is sealed to an heir, they pledge their very magical essence to the well being of that heir." He paused, seeing the confused look in the vivid green eyes. "That means that the head of house is bound to protect their heir, at all costs, throughout the head's entire lifetime on pain of losing their magic completely if they fail. The benefit being that, should the head lose their life in defense of their heir, the heir inherits all of the head's magical essence as well as their material possessions and familial standing."
Harry sat at the table, gobsmacked by the enormity of the sacrifice that the charm required. Playing games with their magic was something that wizards did not do. He was already reeling before Remus spoke his next words.
"You should know that your father did this for you. It's one of the reasons that you are as powerful a wizard as you are for your age. Your mother's sacrifice gave you blood protection. Your father's sacrifice made you a stronger wizard."
Harry's breath caught. He supposed that he shouldn't be surprised by his father's sacrifice. What he knew of his parents, he knew that they had loved him very much. Of course, it had also cost them their lives. Would he ever be able to live up to the expectations of what he was supposed to become knowing what it had cost them? But that is what parents did, right? Parents were supposed to love the children that they brought into the world enough to die for them. His parents had, after all. Even the Dursleys would probably do that for their little Diddikins and they were awful people.
He nodded at Remus as he processed these thoughts. "So, I got my father's magic, then? Because he did this?"
Carefully gauging the boy's reaction, Remus decided to go all the way with the story.
"Yes, you did. Your father did it for you just before he and your mother went into hiding." He paused. "And then Sirius did it for you a few weeks ago during his Hogsmeade trip."
Harry's mind was reeling and he began to hyperventilate as he took in the context of the words. It was even worse than he thought. His godfather had bet his very magical essence on Harry's safety and Harry had wantonly endangered himself without any regard for what it would do to his godfather. As he struggled to breath, Remus panicked as he watched Harry's face go ashen, fearing that the boy might force himself to pass out.
They heard running in the hallway coming towards them as the library door was crashed open and Sirius raced over to the table, a square piece of parchment gripped tightly in his hand.
"Harry! Remus? What's wrong? What happened?" he demanded, his eyes wild with worry.
Upon seeing his godfather enter the room, Harry jumped up and fled, brushing past the two worried men without looking back as he pounded up the stairs and slammed the door to his room.
The frightened godfather turned a vicious look at his friend. "What the bloody hell was that? What happened?"
Sadly, Remus sat down wearily in the chair he had just vacated and sighed deeply.
"That was me telling your godson about the Jacturius Charm, Sirius."
Sirius plopped down into Harry's chair and lifted his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Oh, Moony. You didn't."
"I did," the werewolf said forcibly. "He needed to know how much you care for him. You certainly weren't going to and he has the right to know exactly how your decisions affect him and how his decisions affect you. That's what families do, Sirius. Since I am having a hard time believing that he would recklessly go off and face the darkness in that grove after you had explained to him what it did, I thought he needed to realize that his actions have more serious consequences than getting a spanking. He needed perspective, Sirius."
Remus didn't fail to notice the change in Sirius' facial expression. The man looked almost guilty.
"What, Sirius? What's wrong?"
Clearing his throat a little, Sirius spoke softly, his eyes downcast in realization. "I..I never really told him about what would happen if he went in there, Remus. I mean, I told him how I would punish him for doing it, but I never actually told him what the grove would do to him if he went in. I didn't want him to think about the evil that lurked in there."
Remus stood up and slammed his hand down on the table. "Merlin's Furry Cupcakes, Sirius! What on Earth were you thinking? Do you mean to tell me that you let a fourteen year old boy live within shouting distance of one of the darkest scourges of the wizarding world and you didn't tell him what the actual dangers were?"
Sirius groaned and leaned back into the chair. "I didn't want him to have to think about the fact that he had a rather large, living, breathing source of an endless supply of the Cruciatus Curse yards away from his bedroom window. Doesn't the boy have enough to be getting on with?"
Still seething, but attempting to regain a semblance of calm, Remus sat down and took a deep breath. "Sirius, Harry is not an ordinary boy. Not only does he have real dangers seeking him out on a regular basis, but he has inherited his father's, and his godfather's," he stressed with a scowl, "bad habit of looking for trouble on his own. If you are to adequately protect him, you need to be open and honest with him about where real danger lurks. You may want to shield him, Padfoot, but he needs to know. You can help him deal with it, but you can't keep it from him."
Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose again, defeated. "I know, Moony. You're right."
After a long moment, the weary godfather pushed himself up out of the chair. "I have to talk to him, Remus. We have got to get this sorted out."
"I agree," Remus said, vigorously nodding his head. "And Sirius," he called, causing the other man to pause, "he needs to know what happened to you in there as well."
Sirius took a very deep breath and held it for a moment before exhaling noisily. He gave his friend a curt nod and then stalked out of the room.
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In his room, Harry had thrown himself across the bed, devastated by the news and disgusted with himself. He didn't think it was possible to feel any worse about himself than he had the other day but, apparently, it was. Not only did Sirius take him in, provide a wonderful home for him, give him everything he could want, take care of him and love him unconditionally, he had actually gambled his entire magical essence on Harry's safety, following in the footsteps of Harry's own father.
Harry reeled with the realization that Sirius could never do it for a son of his own now that he had done so for Harry. How much sacrifice was the man planning to make for him? It was all just so overwhelming. Throughout his entire life, Harry had never had anyone do anything for him and now, over the course of just a few months, he had been given everything. And how did he repay it? By acting like a complete prat.
His head ached monstrously and he thought about the ramifications of his choices. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and waste away so that he never had to be a bother to his kind godfather ever again. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely heard the soft rapping on his bedroom door.
"Harry? It's Sirius. May I come in?" his godfather asked quietly. Which was kind of unusual, as Sirius usually just knocked and then entered, knowing that he was always welcome. Harry felt a deep pain in his chest as he realized that he had made his beloved godfather feel unwelcome. The guilt started to crush him again.
"Yes," he said softly, but loud enough for the man to hear.
His godfather entered the room and tentatively walked over to the bed. He approached Harry as one would approach an unknown potential enemy. Slowly, cautiously, careful to make no sudden or threatening movements. Harry's breathing hitched from the pain of having made his godfather afraid of coming near him. That had not been his intention at all.
Sirius raked his hand through his hair nervously. Harry could see that he was trying to figure out how to broach the topic that he had obviously come up to talk about and was failing utterly. The boy turned over onto his side to face his godfather more fully. He would give Sirius the proper respect and attention to anything he had to say.
"Harry we really need to talk about what happened the other day."
Anything except that.
Harry quickly started to turn back over, but was shocked into stopping by his godfather's loud and angry voice.
"Harry! Stop that! Turn around and face me," he ordered crossly. Obediently, Harry turned back around, but he was already starting to go into a panic from the sharpness of the words and he scrunched his eyes closed even as he returned to his original position.
"Open your eyes, Harry and look and me," Sirius continued firmly. Slowly, Harry did as he was told and tentatively turned his gaze back upon his godfather. He willed himself to face the man regardless of what he had come to say.
"That's better. Thank you," his godfather said, much more gently. He was giving Harry a small sad smile and Harry felt himself relax just a bit. He waited patiently as Sirius seemed to gather courage to speak again. Finally he did.
"I don't know how to fix this, Harry. I can not apologize for punishing you. You deserved it. But, I have to tell you that it would crush me if you were afraid of me now because of something I felt I needed to do. Every time you pull away from me it just breaks my heart. I don't know what I would do if you hated me because I was just trying to keep you safe. You have to tell me what you are thinking, so we can try to find a way to get past this. "
Sirius was breathing heavily and he seemed sad, so sad and lost as he finished speaking, that Harry's stomach churned violently over the realization that his actions of the past few days had given his godfather exactly the wrong idea. There was no denying that when the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Break-His-Godfather's-Heart mucked things up, he did it utterly. He had never seen his tall strong godfather looking so forlorn and helpless before and the knowledge that he was responsible for it, finally broke him out of his own pity party. He jumped up from his bed and slammed into his godfather's body with such force he almost toppled the unsuspecting man completely over.
"I don't hate you, Sirius! I don't. I hate myself. I've been such a disappointment to you and I don't know how I can make it up to you," he sobbed into Sirius' broad chest.
Shocked and elated at the same time, Sirius fiercely gripped the trembling child he had not held for days as close to himself as he could. He buried his head into the thick mess of black hair and breathed deeply, smelling the familiar clean scent of the shampoo that Harry used. It was like a soothing balm on a fiery burn. His shoulders started to shudder as he realized just how much he missed his godson during the last few days. Idly, he wondered how parents stood it when they sent their children off to school for months at a time. His very soul ached to have the boy he loved so much near him. It was impossible to love Harry any more than if he shared the same blood with him.
Harry clung desperately to him as if his very life depended on it as he sobbed incoherently. Sirius, holding back tears of his own, sensed that the boy would need this comfort for a while. It had been several days coming after all. Even though he knew that Harry was far too old to be carried, the boy seemed to resist any suggestion to move from where they were standing, so finally, Sirius lifted him up and brought him over to the bed. It was while he was holding the boy that Sirius really took in exactly how small Harry was for his age and he spared a precious moment to curse the gods who had brought the Dursleys into existence.
Sirius held him tightly, never letting up for a second as his godson released all of his pent up emotions. He rocked him gently, rubbing his back and whispering soothing words as he tried to calm him enough to speak. Harry sobbed for almost a full half hour before the hicupping began and Sirius knew that he was slowly relaxing. When he felt Harry fully lean against the damp spot he had made on Sirius' shoulder, his godfather knew that it was probably time to try to begin the conversation again. He tightened his grip around the small frame protectively and took a deep breath.
"You, young man, are not a disappointment to me. No..now shush, I mean it," he quieted Harry when he went to protest. "Let me speak for a minute and then I will listen to you as long as you would like me to. I may have been disappointed by your behavior the other day, but I am never disappointed in you. I could not imagine a more perfect godson for myself than you are, Harry. You are kind and loving, brave and strong. You're a good boy Harry. You're not perfect, but I don't expect you to be. No one can be and you shouldn't try so hard. You'll only end up unhappy with yourself. Don't hate yourself, Harry. I love you just as you are."
Harry took a moment to absorb everything his godfather had just said to him. They were words he had wanted to hear all his life from a parental figure. Truly Sirius could read him like a book as he once again did what Harry needed for him to do. Harry was such an idiot. The past few days when he was denying himself the comfort of Sirius' hugs, he was hurting the man he loved as a father even more badly than Harry was hurting himself and it made him sick.
He sat up in Sirius' lap, feeling a bit silly and childish as he brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. If his fellow classmates and the rest of the wizarding world could see him now, they would laugh themselves silly at any notion that this immature mess was destined to be the savior of their world. He turned to look at his godfather's kind and tired face and knew that he owed him the full truth of what he had done the other day. As reluctant as he was to admit it, it would make him feel better to finally get if off of his chest.
"Sirius, about what I did the other day, in the grove," he started, his voice quivering. Sirius gently patted his back, trying to ease the guilt he felt radiating from the small shaking frame.
"It's okay. I know you're sorry about that," he comforted in a low soothing voice. Harry sat up a bit more abruptly and his face became anguished.
"That's just it, Sirius. I'm not sorry." Harry looked away in misery as he waited for his godfather's anger at his admission. He sneaked a glance at the man's face and only saw confusion as he tried to figure out exactly what his godson was trying to say to him.
"What?"
Harry took a deep breath and forced himself to finish the admission. "I'm not sorry I went into the grove. I'm sorry that I had to disobey you, but Ron was in trouble and I needed to help him. He's my best friend, Sirius. There was no way that I could not try to get him out. I wanted to make sure that he was okay," he finished miserably. He closed his eyes and waited for Sirius to rebuke him for his foolish actions.
"Of course you did, Harry. I wouldn't expect anything different from you. You are your father's son, after all."
Harry opened his eyes and stared at his godfather in shock. This was definitely not the response he had been expecting. "You're not mad at me for that?" he asked, disbelievingly.
Sirius shook his head slowly. "Of course not. One of the things that makes you you, Harry, is the fact that you are such a fierce friend. Your father would have done the same thing for any one of us during our Marauder days and I would have done the same for him." Sirius took Harry's hand in his and gripped it tightly.
"I'm upset with you because you disobeyed me. Not because you did something I told you not to do, but because you did so, without knowing how much danger you were putting yourself into." He saw the confused look on the boys face and struggled to clarify.
"I told you the grove was dangerous, but you didn't know how it was dangerous. Yet you charged in there headstrong, damning all consequences. I'm upset because you didn't think before you did something that turned out to be very foolish. By the time Remus and I got there, I had to worry about rescuing you as well as Ron because you didn't know what you were facing and I knew that you would have no chance in there on your own."
Harry was slowly beginning to comprehend the gravity of his error, but it was really hit home when his godfather said, "What if I could only save one of you? How would you have felt if I only rescued you and had to leave Ron to die because you plowed head first into a situation you knew nothing about?"
Harry shook his head violently against the implication. He had not thought of that outcome at all.
"You shouldn't save me, Sirius. If that had happened, you should save Ron and leave me. Ron has parents and brothers and a sister who love him and would miss him." He clenched his teeth and kept his head shaking back and forth as he scrunched his eyes shut. Sirius reached over and stopped the violent movements, taking Harry's chin into his had and giving the boy a small shake to open his eyes.
"I will always come for you first, Harry. You are my child. I would love you and miss you." Overcome, Harry burrowed his face back into his godfather's shoulder.
"I was right here, Harry. Willing to help you if you needed it. When Ron went into the grove, I might have been upset, but I would have done everything I could to help you. You are not alone anymore, son. It doesn't make you any less brave to ask for help. Sometimes being brave means admitting when you are in over your head and seeking out those that can rectify a dangerous situation instead of trying to do it by yourself."
He felt Harry exhale deeply and nod a few jerky nods against his shoulder. It was enough for now and they sat in silence, letting the long overdue peace between them comfort them both.
******************************
"I was ten the summer the entire Black family had our annual gathering here at Celestial Court."
It was early evening and Sirius was sitting on the couch in the library. Harry was lying down next to him, legs spread out, his head on a pillow in Sirius' lap. Following Remus' advice, Sirius had decided to tell Harry about that awful day the summer he was ten years old. The event which, to this day, filled him with such dread that he still had nightmares about it. He had already apologized to his godson for not telling him the full horror of what was waiting in the grove. They had agreed to use the next DADA lesson to talk about it fully.
"My Uncle Alphard had given us the same warning about the grove that I gave you and your friends. Like Ron, my younger brother Regulus just seemed to have an inexplicable fascination with the place. That happens sometimes. Some people feel the pull of it much more strongly than others. We had been here for a week and already I had had to chase him away at least a dozen times."
Sirius paused as Harry shifted a bit. His godson turned onto his side and Sirius patted his hip gently as he tried to make himself comfortable. He was a little tense, sensing that this conversation was upsetting his godfather a great deal.
"My cousin Bellatrix was here with her family, too. We never got along. If ever there was a dark being, it was Bella. I despised her. Still do as a matter of fact. The wardens of Azkaban thought it amusing to put our cells close together. I swear, you can feel the evil of her dark magic just radiating off of her body. She was just the same when we were children."
Sirius choked a little at the memory and then smiled a bit as he realized that Harry was gently patting his knee in comfort. The boy had such a big heart.
"One day, Bellatrix found Regulus by the grove's entrance and dared him to go inside. She knew he was fascinated by it and that it wouldn't take much to convince him. A couple of sweet words and he walked right in. I was on my way to look for him when I saw her coming up the path from the back. She...very happily told me where I could find my little brother. I panicked. I was supposed to be watching him, but I had gotten distracted inside and lost track of him for just a few moments. It was enough. I ran down to the grove and I saw him, much as you saw Ron, looking like he was in extreme pain. I didn't listen to my uncle when he told us that he should be summoned if anyone went in there. I just ran right in. I couldn't think of doing anything other than saving my little brother."
Harry felt Sirius' breathing hitch and he looked up at his godfather's distraught face at the memory. Wanting to comfort him, he snuggled a bit closer and felt Sirius snake an arm around his shoulders, gripping him tightly like a lifeline.
"I don't have to tell you what happened when I walked in there. I was blinded by the shower of blooms. I wasn't expecting that. You didn't see it from the outside. It really is quite a powerful illusion. I knew that I had to find Regulus. He was so little and it was my fault for not keeping better track of him. I screamed for him for what seemed like hours. Time has no meaning in there, you know."
Harry nodded at the memory. At the time, he had felt like hours had passed, not seconds.
"My screams came out strangled, like my voice was actually far away and then I was losing myself to this strange euphoria and forgot all about my little brother. By the time the pain started, my father and my uncle had seen us inside and they were performing the counter curses to stop the trees from spinning. When they got us out, I was okay, but Regulus had been in there for much longer than I had and he was so small, so helpless."
Sirius shuddered. He didn't really want to go on, but he had promised Harry the whole story so he forced himself to continue.
"Regulus was unconscious for days. We weren't sure that he would ever fully recover. When the healers told my father what was going on, he whipped me viciously with a strap. I couldn't walk for two solid days. It was my fault that his little Regulus was hurt. As further punishment, my father forced me to go into the grove every day for the rest of our stay here to relive Regulus' pain for myself. It became a favorite of his after a while. Long after Regulus recovered, and especially after I was sorted into Gryffindor, whenever my father wanted to punish me, he would bring me here and force me inside."
Horrified, Harry sat up and looked at his godfather's face. Sirius had tears in his eyes, but he wasn't let them fall, his voice choked with emotion.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius," Harry said sincerely as he took his godfather's hand into his own. Sirius squeezed it tightly and then raised it to card his fingers through Harry's messy hair affectionately.
"It's okay. It's all in the past." He took a deep breath and Harry was surprised to see a small smile play around the corners of his mouth.
"It all worked out rather strangely, of course. This was my uncle's house. It took two people to get me out of the grove, you know. I'm not sure what I would have done if Remus had not been here. When I was forced in, my father would have my uncle help him when he felt I had been left in an appropriate amount of time. My uncle didn't approve of my father's methods. Unfortunately, my father was the eldest male of the senior branch of the family. My Uncle Alphard was a member of a junior line. He had to do what my father asked him upon pain of jeopardizing his own standing, so he really couldn't say no, no matter how much he wanted to. He got the last laugh though by making me his heir. I think he left me Celestial Court so that I could make sure that what happened to me could never happen to another boy. I would be the senior male, after all, and no one could force me to allow the same thing to happen."
He turned to Harry and gave the boy a small wink.
"Got himself blown off the family tree tapestry for it, too."
Harry burrowed himself further into Sirius' side. "I'm sorry about your father, Sirius. He sounds even worse than Uncle Vernon. My punishment was pretty light considering what you had to go through," he said sadly, feeling really sorry for the boy that his godfather had been.
Sirius chuckled softly and then cocked an eyebrow. "Yes, it was. I barely got started. But I knew something was wrong with you and I didn't have the heart to continue."
Harry sat back up, a little bit alarmed. "You...you aren't planning on finishing it, are you?" he asked nervously.
Sirius smiled to himself at the worried tone in the boy's voice and decided to tease him a little bit.
"Well...I don't know. I want to be sure that you learned something from it. Do you think I should?" he asked in as firmly a voice as he could force himself, given his mirth.
Harry raised his eyebrows and swallowed hard, thinking that his godfather was on the level. He was having a moment of fear at the idea of his bottom being bared and paddled again. "If..if you think I deserve it, then maybe...yeah, you should. I guess," he finished lamely.
Sirius didn't have the heart to keep the ruse going. He pulled the boy into his embrace and laughed softly. "That's okay, Harry. I think you got spanked enough that day."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief and put his head on his godfather's shoulder. He thought the matter was closed until the man spoke again.
"I'm sorry that I smacked you in front of your friends, Harry. Please believe me when I tell you that I was very upset and I wasn't thinking straight. I really had forgotten that they were behind me. I would never do anything intentionally to embarrass you and I should never have lifted my hand to you when I was in that state of mind. Trust me. It will never happen again."
Harry nodded his head. "It's okay. I was embarrassed, but I did deserve it. I'm not mad at you. Really. It didn't even hurt that much."
Harry waited a moment and then turned up his face to give his godfather a nervous little look. "You told me that I was going to get grounded too. Are you still going to do that?"
Sirius waited a moment. He was hesitant to inflict further punishment on the boy when they had already been through enough for one ordeal, but he thought about it and realized that Harry needed him to be consistent. He had promised him punishment for doing what he had done and now he needed to follow through. He didn't need to be cruel about it though.
"Well," he started, giving it some thought, "even though you have been doing a great job of grounding yourself these past few days," he paused, catching the sheepish look on the boy's face, "I suppose that I should do something officially. I don't think it would kill you to have to give up your Firebolt until after the World Cup. The early bedtime wouldn't hurt either until we leave for the match. Do you think that is fair?" He looked down at the boy's anxious face and saw him grimace a little, but he nodded and returned the small grin.
"Yeah, that's fair, I suppose."
Harry caught the familiar twinkle in his godfather's eyes and decided to play with him a little. "It's a better punishment than finishing the spanking. You're complete pants at that. Ron owled me this morning and told me that he still can't sit down and I couldn't even feel mine the next day. Better stick with what you're good at, I think."
Sirius' eyes widened at his godson's cheek. "Well, you snarky little bugger. I'll show you who is pants at spanking!"
With that, he pulled the boy off of the couch and threw him over his shoulder. Standing, he reached up and soundly smacked the wiggling backside as Harry struggled to get away. Carrying him towards the door, he alternated between smacks and tickling the backs of Harry's knees, something that always threw his godson into a fit of the giggles. As Harry laughed uncontrollably, he squirmed trying to get down, but was unsuccessful against his godfather's much larger size and greater strength.
"Ow! C'mon, stop. Pleeease!" he howled as Sirius carried him up the stairs. Harry was fidgeting and laughing so hard, he could barely catch a breath. Sirius couldn't resist teasing him back.
"What was that you said about my spanking skills?" he snorted as he landed another smack. "Owwww. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're the greatest. You have the hardest hand in Britain, I swear...Owwww!" When they reached Harry's room, Sirius threw the boy unceremoniously onto his bed and proceeded to attack his ribs prompting even more giggles and desperate pleas for him to cease. Finally, he had mercy on the boy and gave him one more little smack.
"I hope you have learned your lesson, young man. Never tease about something like that." Harry rolled his eyes as he tried to regain his breath. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."
Sirius leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the top of his head. "Bath and then bed. I'll be up to say good night in a little while." He grabbed Harry's hands and hoisted him to his feet and pushed him a little towards the bathroom. "Okay, okay. I'm going already."
As he watched his godson shuffle to the bathroom, Sirius stood and thought about how much he loved the boy.
Two souls who had truly been alone now had each other, and they were very lucky indeed.
