Disclaimer: If I owned them, it would be against the law for any relative of Sparda to wear a shirt.
--
Dante let an uncharacteristic scowl cover his face as he surveyed the damage dome to Devil May Cry. His office had once again been effectively destroyed and all that remained of his brand new leather couch was a large chunk of cushion.
Sometimes he swore there was some random deity somewhere that hated him.
The child laying unconscious on the cushion went through yet another fit of vomiting, coating his floor for the second time in a half hour.
Yeah, someone definitely hated him.
After the boy had fallen unconscious Dante had gone over and picked him up… or at least tried to. He'd hardly gotten within a foot of the boy when a large red tail had sprouted from his rear and taken a swing at him.
Out of reflex, Dante had countered with Rebellion but to his surprise the sword had no effect. The tail had moved through the sword, badly burning his arm. It would have continued on to the rest of his body if the boy hadn't suddenly convulsed, barfing up blood and what could have possibly been his breakfast.
Dante dropped Rebellion and stared at his burnt arm with mixed emotions. Most of it was annoyance. Contrary to popular belief he didn't enjoy being stabbed, slashed, crushed, impaled or maimed. He was just really unlucky. But what got Dante going wasn't that it hurt- no that was a given- but the fact that his arm wasn't healing.
He'd been run through with his own Devil Arms multiple times, but he'd always healed near instantly. He'd only been burned once before in his life and that… well, cheating on a pyromaniac with her sister is just asking for it.
He tried to move his fingers and was rewarded with wave after wave of pain. It was as if his arm had been roasted from the inside out- like every nerve and muscle had been soaked in lighter fluid and char broiled.
Dante glared down at the child. Even Nero hadn't been this much of a pain in the ass and he'd thrown a 2 story stone sword at him. The blonde convulsed again and Dante's glare softened. Dangerous or not, this was still a 5 year old kid and now that he really looked at him, he seemed to be covered head to toe in various bruises.
Without a second thought Dante picked the kid up with his good arm and carefully slung him over his shoulder, picking up Rebellion on the way back into Devil May Cry.
"This is gonna be a long day…" he thought out loud.
--
Kyuubi grumbled in annoyance. He'd heard the phrase 'shit happens' hell he was a walking example of it, but this was ridiculous. He'd teleported out of one mob and into another. Only these had been much harder to kill and had done significantly more damage to his winy host. 'That hurt! It stabbed me! I'm bleeding' Kyuubi had barely bit back the words 'suck it up'.
He was decently sure the things that had attacked them were demons through of what sort he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he'd been… wherever they were for less than 10 seconds before the demons had started attacking in absurdly large numbers. Kyuubi had taken over momentarily due to his hosts lack training both in fighting and in the utilization of their seal only to fight an uneven battle for the entertainment of some dimwitted human who sat back and watched as he took on the onslaught of demons. You'd think someone with a sword that large would be able to use it-.
"Fuzzy-chan?"
Kyuubi cringed at the sound of his new 'nickname'.
"For the last time Naruto, I have a name and it's not Fuzzy-chan"
"But you are fuzzy and my stomach hurts" the blond whined.
Kyuubi regarded the boy seriously for a moment. Their charka networks had been behaving oddly since they arrived and for all the time he'd spent healing it, most of the damage done to Naruto's body by the villagers had reappeared, including a rather nasty stab to the stomach with a poisoned kunai.
'And being run through with a scythe didn't help matters either' he though as the five year old sat down in front of his cage.
He took a moment to check the surroundings outside of their mindscape and smirked. It seemed that the odd human had had the decency to take them inside and place them on the remnants of a couch, which Naruto had unconsciously rewarded with load after load of barf. It served him right for letting them fight alone.
The fox suppressed a snicker as the man slipped and landed face first in the remains of Naruto's breakfast: ramen, and their age old enemy, spoiled milk. To this day Naruto still didn't understand that you aren't supposed to be able to chew your milk... The man got up and in an act of frustration threw his sword at the closest wall.
To Kyuubi's surprise, it went through it and he decided then and there that it would be in their best interest to befriend this strange human… if that was indeed what he was.
--
Ten minutes after his embarrassing fall, Dante returned to his office to see the child sleeping soundly. He glared at him for what seemed like the hundredth time that day-he'd only known the kid for a half hour and he'd already raised hell… literally. Demons of that level didn't just appear randomly, especially not in large numbers like that.
He nodded to his doppelganger who immediately left for wherever he stayed when Dante wasn't using him. He wasn't so irresponsible that he'd leave a wounded child alone in a room, but there was no way he was going a minute longer than necessary with anyone's barf on his body. Who says you shouldn't have an extra set or two of the same outfit on-hand?
At least his doppelganger had managed to clean up the mess the kid had made. One of the perks of mastering the skill was that the shadow clone could do whatever he wanted it to…without Dante having to do a thing. Quite useful for when Trish popped up out of the blue for her bi-monthly crusades on his diet plan.
He paused for a moment to look down at his mostly healed hand. It was repairing itself, albeit slowly. He wanted to ask the kid about that but unconscious kids tell no tales… unless you're Nero.
Dante snickered. Nero had a habit of talking in his sleep about things he'd never say if he were awake. Oh, the blackmail material he'd collected…
He walked over to poke the kid but though better of it and reached for a nearby stick instead. He wasn't taking any chances this time… He poked the boy lightly in the side, discarding the stick when he wasn't attacked by any random appendages.
"Hey" he poked the boy again, a little harder this time, but the most he did was roll over.
"Kid" Dante not so gently flicked him on the head. The boy scowled in his sleep and kicked at him before returning to a peaceful slumber.
"Well then, this requires desperate measures" Dante grinned. He'd been wanting to use this prank on Nero for some time now but every time he went near him, his arm lit up like Christmas lights on steroids.
'But he gets pissy if I call him a human glow stick'
The devil hunter gave the blond a last glance before heading for the basement. His wounds appeared to be healing…rapidly, so it wasn't necessary for him to call back his doppelganger and Dante doubted that he'd wake up any time soon.
He climbed down the stairs into the little known and underused portion of Devil May Cry known as a basement. He'd always had it; he'd just never really had a use for it… until the 'incident' a year ago.
-Flashback-
Dante twitched as for the fourth time in an hour, Lady shot him in the head. She called it anger management; he called it abuse- even if it was well deserved.
He, Lady and Trish had gone out together on a mission, something that didn't happen everyday. Usually when the girls got together they went shopping and put it on Dante's tab, but that one day, they decided to get together… just for old times sake.
To say it wasn't worth it would have been an understatement. The old Lady who'd called them swore her house had been overrun when all she had was a blood goyle. One. Blood goyle. It took them all of three seconds to kill the thing. Two to fight over who got to kill it and another one to actually shoot it.
They would have gone straight back to Devil May Cry but the old Lady invited them for dinner and it turned out she had a really hot daughter who conveniently showed up right when they were about to leave. So Dante stayed for dinner and Lady and Trish stayed to keep him out of trouble.
It turned out that Dante had been in trouble the moment he left Devil May Cry with the door wide open.
"Only you could leave the front door to your house open!" Lady resisted the urge to shoot him again.
"Technically it's my office not-"
"You live there don't you?"
"Well… yeah…" Dante scratched his head. He'd lost this argument before it even started.
"Can you two focus?! Please?" Trish snapped at them from the cell phone in Lady's hand.
Right. They were on a job. They had to retrieve the Devil Arms that had been unwittingly unleashed on the general public by a bunch of idiots.
--
A passing group of boys had come in since their leader needed to use the bathroom only to find it empty. Or so they thought.
"Brother, look! We have company!"
"Wonderful! In Master Dante's absence we must be affable hosts!"
"Who said that?!" one of the boys asked.
"Please! Feel free to use the facilities of our home as your own!"
"What is ours is yours!"
"Dude…did that sword just talk? A second boy walked over to the wall where Agni and Rudra hung. He reached for the sword and set off a chain reaction that would haunt Dante for the rest of his unnatural life.
Upon being touched, the swords vibrated before being engulfed in a bright light that blinded the boy making him stumble into the wall and knock down a fair number of Devil Arms all of which landed on him before beginning to glow as well.
By the time the boys could see again, the room was filled with assorted… things that for the most part, they never hoped to see again. Then all at once the monsters fled, leaving behind a rather large hole in the wall and a bewildered group of boys with a leader who all of a sudden, didn't need to use the bathroom anymore.
This ladies and gentlemen is why 'normal' humans don't get to play with devil arms.
--
"SPAWN!" A rough voice cut through the air and Dante proceeded to whack his head on the nearest hard object.
"COME FORTH SPAWN OF THE EXCRETEMENT AND FACE ME!"
'Why, God? Why? Anything but the cat' Dante looked up to see Beowulf standing in a nearby football field staring at him with intensity only Vergil could've matched.
"After you" Lady said in a tone dripping with sarcasm as she sat down on a bench.
Dante walked over to the rabid feline cautiously. Sure he could just fight Beowulf again, but the last time Dante had faced him, the bastard only had one eye and even then he'd ended up being flattened on paved stone, surviving only due to a really lucky shot. Not that he'd admit it out loud.
"YOU WILL FIGHT ME SPAWN!"
"Do we really have to do this?" Dante looked up at him tiredly. As it was he'd already hunted down 10 Devil Arms, and most of them he'd had to fight again to return them to their weapon forms, the only exceptions being Agni and Rudra and Nevan. Apparently the swords had only run away from Devil May Cry because everyone else had and Nevan just wanted to go shopping.
"And my name is not 'spawn'".
"SILENCE! YOU ARE THE SPAWN OF THE EXCRETEMENT SPARDA!"
"You can't just turn back into gauntlets like a nice Kitty?"
"DIE!"
Well a guy could hope right?
--
It had taken nearly an hour to subdue Beowulf a task made all the more annoying by the small crowd of spectators and the feline's need to insult him. Somehow Beowulf's attacks had gotten stronger since reverting to his original form, and with his vision fully restored… well let's just say Dante hadn't come away from the battle unscathed.
Lady had the nerve to applaud him when he limped over to her holding his new gauntlets. It was odd… for some reason Beowulf, like all the other Devil Arms he'd recaptured, had transformed.
He was most definitely stronger-his broken ribs could attest to that, but like all the others his physical appearance had changed as well. Where some Devil Arms had gained new attachments and features, Beowulf had inverted his colors.
"YOU HAVE NOT DEFEATED ME SPAWN, I WILL HAVE MY VENGENCE!"
He'd also gained the ability to talk.
"Someone hates me…" He tossed Beowulf in the now empty sack he'd been collecting Devil Arms in, ignoring Beowulf's threats of a pain filled death
Lady choked on laughter and he glared at her. He was about to comment when a nearby bar door suddenly erupted in flames, allowing a terrified human to try and scramble away.
Dante sighed and walked over to the man who was staring at the now charred bar entrance with absolute horror.
"What's the problem?"
"Keep that crazy bitch away from me!" The man ducked low as a fireball shot out of the door with the intent of beheading him.
"You will watch your language when around a Lady" a formally dressed redhead strutted out of the bar with a crowd of people looking after. No doubt checking out her- "Or I will watch it for you" she glowered at the man throwing another fire ball to prove a point.
"B…But I didn't do anything!"
She threw another fireball but Dante batted it away with Rebellion, cursing mentally when the stray ball landed on the bag containing Beowulf, setting it ablaze.
"FOUL SPAWN!"
"Who are you?" Dante asked, extremely irritated as Lady tossed water on what was left of the bag.
"Do you not recognize me? I am Ifrit.
" Ifrit…You're a chick?! Dante gaped at the red haired demon in front of him.
"You were expecting something else?"
"I always thought you were… Never mind. Please tell me you're just going to come home with me" Dante gave her the puppy eyes. Nobody could resist the puppy eyes…
"I've been around you far too long for that to work on me" Ifrit chirped "and besides, I was only inside the bar to ask for directions back to Devil May Cry. Or at least that's what I was doing until this… this… pervert crossed my path".
"But then why'd you leave in the first place?" Dante stabbed Rebellion into the ground, alarmingly close to the guy's crotch. Hitting on Ifrit was like hitting on Trish.
"Nevan dragged me" the redhead pouted "she said we should have a girl's day out. We planned on coming back before you returned home but I got separated from her and I've been lost ever since".
"…" Dante stared at her.
"What"
The devil hunter just pointed down the street to the shop with the large hole in the front.
"Oh… Well then…I'll be going now". The demoness set off towards Devil May Cry leaving behind a confused Dante.
"Hey wait! Can I at least get your numbe-" there was a dull thud as Beowulf (who was now inside a new bag) made contact with the guy's skull, effectively knocking him out.
"PROCREATIVE PARTNER OF SPAWN! HOW DARE YOU HANDLE ME IN SUCH A WAY?!" came Beowulf's muffled protest.
"Procreative… Partner…?" Lady stared at the bag in disbelief her left hand unconsciously moving towards the mini rocket launcher in her back pocket.
Before all hell could break loose Dante ran up, grabbed the bag and threw it to Ifrit "For the love of God take him with you!" he yelped.
"As you wish" she smiled, easily catching the bag.
"UNHAND ME YOU WHO CONSORTS WITH SPA-" Ifrit whacked the bag hard on the pavement and all was quiet.
-End Flashback-
Just thinking about it gave him a headache.
Dante opened the newly installed Devil Arm vault, glaring at Beowulf as he passed.
"Spawn…" he snorted.
'Even in his sleep, this guy's a royal pain in the ass' he picked up Cerberus and headed out.
"Pretty…Spawn…" Ifrit and the few other Devil Arms that could talk, snorted as Dante visibly twitched before setting off at a run, the door automatically closing behind him.
--
Kyuubi shivered as a sense of foreboding washed over him.
"Naruto, it's time for you to get up" he looked around his cage nervously. Whatever it was, it was close…he could almost taste it.
"Why? I wanna stay here with you"
He couldn't figure out what it was. It felt so familiar and yet…
"I can't use my charka to look around at the moment. I need you to get up. You can come back later". His fur was beginning to stand on end.
"Promise?" Naruto looked at him expectantly.
"Yes, yes I promise, now-"
By the time Kyuubi realized exactly what was wrong, it was too late.
--
A/N: My longest chapter yet! And thanks to the people who reviewed!
