Disclaimer: I bid for on them for ownership but I lost *sob*. And I don't own Phish Food ice-cream.
AN: Merry Christmas everybody!
---
Dante grinned as the kid took off across the bathroom.
'Wish I'd done this in the first place'
After retrieving Cerberus, Dante had filled a small tub with water and dipped the nun-chucks in it, instructing him to make the water as cold as possible without actually freezing it.
The sandal clad blonde's toe had barely touched the water before he ran off screaming bloody murder.
Dante sauntered over to the boy who was attempting to bury himself in the mini-linen closet. He'd gotten tired of Trish's occasional teasing about coming out of the bathroom naked.
'Water… cold water… you mother-"
"Nice to see you're finally awake" He smirked at the blond who just stared at him with wide eyes.
'Son of a bitch I hate cold water!' Kyuubi continued to spout off random profanities that only Naruto could hear and like any curious 5 year old…
"What's a fucktard?"
Both Dante and Kyuubi's jaws dropped simultaneously.
"W-what?"
'…He can hear me…?'
"Fu-"
"Don't repeat what I say!" The fox roared.
Naruto flinched before retreating into the towels and starting to cry.
To say Dante was confused would be a gross understatement. First the kid runs faster than Lady's cheating ex-boyfriend, then proceeds to use a swear word that he himself didn't learn until at least age 8. And then to top it off, all he did was ask a question and the kid starts crying like he snapped at him or something.
"Err… It's alright?" Dante tried uncertainly.
Naruto hiccupped before continuing to cry though it wasn't as loud as before.
"Well it's an improvement…"
Dante slowly reached out a hand to the crying child, watching for any signs of randomly attacking body parts.
"I'm not trying to hurt you…" he tried again "I'm just-" he paused for a second. What was he trying to do anyway? Since when was consoling weird children one of his strong points? Unless Nero suddenly decided to grow a pair, the Sparda line was most definitely ending with him.
"And that's why you don't repeat everything you hear people say" Kyuubi finished what he hoped was an effective speech. He hadn't meant to scare Naruto or anything, but he wasn't expecting him to be able to hear his tirade, much less repeat a portion of it.
Dante shook his head reaching into the pile of towels only to pull it back quickly.
"Shit!" he swore sucking on his now bleeding finger. He tries to help him out and the little bastard tries to take his finger off!
"What in the hell was that for?!" Dante growled ripping away the towels covering the child from sight. He was surprised to see the blonds bright blue eyes completely filled with terror. You'd think he was expecting someone to hit him…
Dante sighed, deciding to try a new plan of action "Look what I've got…" he pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and before he could even unwrapped it, the boy had bounded out the mini-closet and tackled him to the floor.
"Can I have chocolate? Can I? Can I? Can I?
"God, Why?" Kyuubi covered his face with his paws.
As to why Dante had a bar of chocolate in his pocket or even how it managed to fit in his leather pants… the world may never know.
Dante handed the bar to the boy wordlessly who unwrapped it faster than he could blink.
"This isn't poisoned is it? He paused "Cause poison stuff really hurts my tummy…" He looked distant for a moment before focusing on Dante.
Said devil hunter raised an eyebrow "Poisoned, huh?" He reached for the bar, ignoring how the boy tensed and broke it in two, eating half and leaving the rest for the blonde who, finding his answer satisfactory, devoured it.
"More chocolate! More chocolate!" Naruto screamed, bouncing on Dante's chest. He paused for a second "Pleeeeease?"
"I'll give you all the chocolate if you would just get off me!" Dante ground out. Almost immediately the boy jumped off the poor devil hunter, abandoning his bouncing to stand and stare at him.
"Got a name, kid?" Dante asked wearily as he stood up, massaging his now aching chest.
"Uzumaki!" He started running around Dante in a circle "Naruto!"
"So I should call you…?"
"Naruto!" he said in a sing-song voice.
"Happy little thing aren't you?" Dante said watching as the boy continued to run around in a circle. If this kept up he was going to wear a hole in the tile floor.
"Come on, I still owe you some chocolate" Dante headed for the door with a bouncing blond right behind him.
"This is going to be a really long day…"
---
An hour later Naruto was climbing up the walls of Devil May Cry and Dante was just about ready to pull his hair out. He thought that giving the kid more chocolate would settle him down and possibly get him to tell him where he came from. Hell, he'd even bought a gallon of phish food ice-cream… not that he'd actually gotten any. Dante eventually figured out that Naruto was a bottomless pit when it came to sweets.
And that it made him worse to deal with than a hyperactive hamster.
"Naruto?" Dante ventured "Don't you want to do something else? You know, besides decimating what's left of my shop?"
"Shop! Hop! Dante flinched as Naruto went head first into a support beam, bouncing back at least two feet.
"Ow…" Naruto whined.
"Took the words right out of my mouth, kid" Dante said walking over to him.
"You're an idiot, you know that?"
"Huh…?" his steps faltered as, in a puff of smoke, a small and decidedly cute red fox appeared next to Naruto, taking a moment to glare pointedly at the devil hunter before helping the boy up.
Naruto blinked once before squealing and putting the poor fox into what would soon come to be known as his patented 'grip of death'.
"Fuzzy-sensei!"
"Le… go…" the fox choked out.
"It talks?" Dante raised an eyebrow as the fox whacked Naruto upside the head with its tail before scampering a safe distance away.
It took a moment to catch its breath before rounding on Dante "Just how stupid are you?!"
"Pardon?" It wasn't every day that he got insulted by furry woodland animals. Mutated cat thing yes, but a growling ball of fluff? Eh… not so much.
"Let's play tag Fuzzy-sensei!"
"Who gives a five year old half his weight in chocolate bars and a gallon of ice-cream?" Kyuubi asked, irritated and determined to ignore Naruto's pet name for him.
Dante bristled "I didn't give it to him and just who the hell are you?!"
The fox continued to glare at him "Kyuubi".
"Come again?"
"It's my name geni-" Kyuubi was cut short when Naruto decided to smack him on the back hard enough to send him flying into the nearest wall.
"Tag! You're it!" the blond said before starting to run around again.
Kyuubi laid twitching in a pile of rubble for a moment trying to figure out if he was ready for the 'eternity' of suffering that would go along with killing Naruto himself when he was dug out and hoisted up by the scruff of his neck.
"You look like you could use some help there fur ball" Dante said while grinning cheekily.
"Call me fur ball again and I'll rip you a new one" Kyuubi snapped trying to get loose from Dante's grip.
"Now that's not very nice" Dante chided while he held the fox up in front of his face "besides you're too ador- aack!"
Kyuubi had channeled a small amount of chakra into his tail and slammed it into Dante's stomach giving him his second burn of the day.
"What the hell is that?!" Dante glared at the now smug looking Kyuubi as he held his stomach.
If his arm was any indication, this was going to leave a nasty scar.
"Chakra" the fox said simply.
"Cha- what?"
Kyuubi twitched in annoyance. Only he could manage to transport them somewhere where chakra and ninjutsu were non-existent.
"Can we talk over tea or something? Anything's fine… so long as it isn't caffeinated" he added glancing at Naruto who was unknowingly channeling chakra through his feet allowing him to stick to the walls and ceiling.
Dante took a look at Naruto and sighed. Tea… Right. Intuition told him he was gonna need something a lot stronger.
---
A half hour later the three of them could be found in the remnants of Dante's kitchen. The fox was situated in front of a cup of decaffeinated, sugar free tea, Dante was nursing a mostly empty bottle of brandy and Naruto was duct taped to a chair.
"So let me get this straight" Dante started "You're a 10,000 year old, nine tailed fox"
"Right" Kyuubi stared at the tea. He couldn't very well lap at it- he'd burn his tongue.
"You were sealed in that… kid's stomach" he nodded at Naruto who was trying to break free of his restraints "and for reasons unknown to you, you ended up at my doorstep".
"Bingo. You're smarter than you look, Dante" Kyuubi grinned.
"Wait, when'd you get my…" he trailed off as Kyuubi picked up a neatly written, purple, scented post-it with his tail.
"Dante, thanks for the-"
Said devil hunter snatched it and had the decency to blush.
Kyuubi poked at the cup with his paw before trying something he hadn't done in years.
"Kitsune Henge!"
The kitchen was temporarily filled with smoke and when it cleared, the small fox had disappeared in favor of a much older looking, red haired version of Naruto.
"Much better" Kyuubi said, picking up his cup of tea.
"…" Dante's jaw dropped and Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.
"Haven't you ever seen a kitsune before?"
Dante took another swig of his bottle before pointing to at Kyuubi's chest. Apparently there was something the fox had overlooked.
Sure Kyuubi looked like an older version of Naruto, but well… Naruto wasn't a female... Minor detail.
Naruto tilted his head to the side as he observed the scene in front of him. Kyuubi had the figure of an 18 year old girl in extremely small clothing and Dante was trying desperately to stop a massive nosebleed.
"For fucks sake…" Kyuubi grumbled henging again. This time when the smoke cleared, there sat a 10 year old red headed boy in black sweat pants and a crimson T-shirt "Sorry about that… It's been a while since I used that tech-" there was another poof as Naruto transformed into a perfect blond imitation of a female Kyuubi.
"Naruto…!" Kyuubi hit him on the head and the boy changed back, but not before a loud thud was heard. The fox sighed as he finished his tea before going around the table to kick at Dante who'd passed out on the floor in a growing pool of blood.
--
Gotta love torturing Dante… ^-^
