Figuring out a new shower was always difficult.

Seriously. Why did they have to change how everything worked from building to building. In his old apartment there had been one thing to turn and it was left for cold, more to the left for warm, and all the way to the left for hot. Turning it to the right just got you ice water for some reason. Reigen's was different. At Reigen's there were two knobs to turn and, depending on if the boiler was even on, they either got you ice water or pure fire. This one…there were three things to turn and none of them were labeled. Of course it would have been easier to tell what was what if the entire shower, no, the entire bathroom hadn't been crowded with stuff…but he would figure it out. He had to. He wasn't too stupid to figure out how to take a shower….he wasn't going to fail…

Teru had failed….no, never been bad at anything before.

Not for a while, anyway, not since he'd been really little. Some things had been hard then. When he'd first learned how to ride a bike, when he'd first started playing soccer, before he had gotten used to being alone…he had gotten better, though, quickly. When he got old enough to realize that he didn't want to be that kind of person anymore. The kind of person who just…who failed. The kind of person who just faded away. After all, if he didn't recognize his worth then why would anyone else? And he had worth.

Even if he didn't feel like it right now.

"Stupid….stupid…" muttered Teru as he tried to figure out what was what. Maybe he should have just taken a bath. He hadn't had a real bath in a while…but she didn't have a separate space to scrub down. He had always loved that about being in Japan. It just made more sense to scrub down beforehand than to jump into the bath covered in the filth of the day…and he was filthy. He could feel stale sweat clinging to every centimeter of him….sticky, too, and he knew that he smelled. Like sweat, like himself, and like her…he liked….he used to like that. Smelling like a girl afterwards. Not that he had ever gone this far with a girl before, one that wasn't her, and…and he should have been happy. He was happy!

He'd slept with a girl and he was only in middle school.

Seriously. The ratio of guys in middle school who said they were doing it to guys who were actually doing it was wildly unbalanced. Most guys were just all talk and hadn't even kissed a girl. It was easy to tell who was telling the truth. Those were the guys with long term, practically married, girlfriends. Of course nobody would believe him if he said anything, he didn't have a girlfriend, which was why he was never going to breathe a word of this to anyone. Because…because it looked like he was a liar and not because he had…not because she had said…she had said…

All the things that she had said.

He gave up and sat down on the floor of the tub. He knew what she had said. That he had tried really hard, that it had looked like he'd tried really hard, that she hadn't been anywhere near happy with…with anything. If she had been then she would have been louder, she would have scratched him, she would have told him that it was good. He'd messed around with girls, he knew how it went, and she…well she had done this before. He didn't know how many times before, he wasn't going to ask her something that…that personal. Because it wasn't polite, of course, not because he was too immature to handle whatever he answer would have been. She'd had boyfriends before. She hadn't been waiting for him and it would have been immature for him to think that she would have.

She was Shigeko after all.

She was…she was everything. She was pretty and cute and when she smiled it felt like his soul was melting. She was…she had saved him, been brave enough to go up against Claw, for HIM. And she hadn't even known him...the him that he wanted people to see. No, she'd seen him filthy, crying, and terrified and she had still helped him. She cared about him….she loved him. She loved him and he loved her and…and he had everything that he'd ever wanted. Sort of. He had her and Claw was done so…so she could leave this place with him whenever she wanted and…and they loved each other and…and they had even slept together and…and he should have been happy.

But instead he felt like he was going to cry.

He held his tears back. Tears were salty and salty was bad for your skin. Plus he looked so, incredibly, ugly when he cried. His eyes got all glassy and his face turned red and it got all puffy and his nose ran…it was such an unpleasant sight. Not one that he wanted her to see, not again, because he wasn't that kid anymore and…and he just….he didn't want her to see this side of him. He wanted things to be perfect, like they had been before, like they should have been before he'd messed everything up.

How could he have messed everything up THIS badly?

"Teru?" a knock at the door. Her voice. Her aura….well of course that was her aura. He had been surrounded by it for so long now he barely even noticed it. Just the warmth of it, like being under a blanket, warm and safe and…and he pulled away from it. He felt a tear fall.

He wiped his eyes.

"Are you ok?" asked Shigeko. Teru took a deep breath. He had to sound normal, he had to be normal, he had to be himself…the version of himself that he wanted to be. That part of himself that everyone wanted him to be. That she wanted….that she must have wanted.

"I'm fine, do you want a turn?" asked Teru, forcing his voice to stay normal. He could feel his throat trying to close, his nose filling with snot, his face turning red…but she was on the other side of the door. She couldn't see him. She could see his aura but…but it didn't matter.

She couldn't see HIM. That was what mattered.

"I do but after you…but only if you're ok. Your aura looks weird." Said Shigeko

"My aura…I'm fine, really. I just need a shower and…uh…do you have any moisturizer? My skin's getting kind of dry." Said Teru

"It's somewhere. I have a few different kinds but you can use whatever you want. I'll just keep waiting for you, I guess…sorry to rush you. I just…I just kind of miss you, that's all, even though you're right there. I know it's dumb. Sorry." Said Shigeko

"Don't be sorry, it's not dumb. It could never be dumb." Said Teru. He knew how it felt, missing someone who was right there, how much it hurt…he was making her feel like that. He needed to just suck it up and get out of there. He couldn't figure out the shower and that…well that really sucked. A shower would have helped. A shower and some moisturizer, or his whole routine, or hers if he could figure it out. There was so much stuff there. She had so much and…and it would keep him busy, too.

He never liked messes.

"I'll be out in a minute." Said Teru as he stepped out of the tub. The tile was cold against his feet. He wished that he had bothered to get dressed before he ran out of the room like he had. At least then he would have been warm and less…less naked. Not that it mattered if he was naked or not. They had just done it, she had seen him naked and then some, and anyway she wasn't even there. So why did he feel like this? Like he wanted to put on layer after layer until he couldn't even move. Until he couldn't even see himself let alone let her see him.

But he didn't have anything.

He felt her aura shift. She was walking away now. Walking away…but she was still close. He didn't know what that was, that sharp feeling in his chest, why it was there. He didn't miss her because she was right there and…and that would have been dumb. From him, of course, not her. He had her. They were together now and he could be happy. Even if she had said that he was terrible in bed and that sex with him was a waste of time and that she was probably going to go back to one of her old boyfriends because he couldn't do anything right and he wasn't the person she wanted for herself and he wasn't anything and there was nothing to him and-

-and this room was a mess.

Reigen had told him time and time again that he took over the bathroom, that he had way too many products and they all did the same thing, that there was nothing wrong with a basic three in one. He would have had a heart attack if he could have seen Shigeko's bathroom. There were bottles of shampoo and conditioner and pre shampoo and leave in conditioner on every shelf in the shower. The bathroom counter was covered in makeup and lotion and moisturizer and shaving cream, two kinds for some reason, and two kinds of toothpaste and two toothbrushes and…and a lot of that was guy's stuff….

She really needed to organize better.

Her and her brother, because she had a brother, and that was obviously his stuff and Teru needed to stop thinking and spend more time cleaning. This room was way too small and all of this stuff was making it even smaller. There was so much clutter he couldn't even make sense of it…so he would do the right thing and clean it up. It drove Reigen crazy, and Ritsu, how he had apparently had a 'pathological need' to rearrange people's stuff…Ritsu was such an asshole sometimes….but she wouldn't mind. She had so much to do, she had said it herself, and he could…he could help her unpack.

Not that he was going to be staying for long.

Because why would she even want him around? He was already bad at one of the fundamental parts of being a boyfriend. She'd had better, she'd said so herself, and she could have easily gone back to one of those guys or found a better guy or…or something. It wasn't like anyone could have said no to her. She was Shigeko. She…he had no idea what she saw in him. It wasn't like there was anything to him…a cold shudder passed down his spine. Something moved out of the corner of his eye. He turned around and swatted it with his powers.

He knocked a hamper over.

"Damn it." Said Teru as he turned the hamper right side up. Empty except for a t-shirt and pajama pants…both way too big for her or her brother…but some people like oversized pajamas. He was being such a moron. He couldn't believe he actually thought that he'd seen…it didn't matter what he thought that he'd seen. Reigen wasn't there. He didn't have to pretend that the silverfish were back or, if he really felt like tormenting Reigen, the cockroaches. Teru…he knew that nothing was there and he knew, too, that it wasn't that cold in there.

He knew where he was.

He sighed and got back to the bathroom counter. He decided to divide her things up by category and then he'd work from there. Eye shadow to one section, concealer to another, lip gloss and…uh…other kinds of lip things to the other and then…was this stuff for her eyes or her face? He had no idea what he was holding. He mostly just knew about different kinds of concealer. Makeup was…he decided to just put the rest of the makeup together and focus on what he knew. It felt good, focusing on what he knew, even if it was just skin care.

It was nice to know things.

Moisturizer with moisturizer…wait, no, these were different kinds. Nice kinds. A lot of that good Korean stuff. Some junk too, though, like this cupcake facewash. He put that under the sink along with the astringent and bubblegum toothpaste. There was no way to get clean with sugar, and sugar scrubs didn't count, sugar scrubs were a lie…and so were sugary sweet bath bombs…which she had a whole bucket over under her sink. When they lived together he'd show her what was good and what wasn't, not that he was going to criticize her skin, even if it was really broken out…especially when you got close to her…

He wouldn't hurt her like that.

Because he knew how it felt when someone picked you apart, when someone made you feel like you were a centimeter tall, when someone looked at you and said 'I could tell you were working really hard' which pretty much meant 'you're terrible' and 'I can't believe I ever wasted my time sleeping with you' and 'I'm never having sex again that's how terrible you are' and 'just go home and find someone who doesn't know how much you suck' and…and….

…and he was pretty sure that, yes, it was actually really cold in that bathroom.

It was cold and he wasn't being…the way he was sometimes. Because Reigen had told him time and time again that he was being ridiculous. That everything that had happened with that spirit had been a lie. That he was back now and everything was going to be normal. So he…he was going to be normal. He wrapped a towel around himself and stepped out of the bathroom…and onto a pile of clothes.

Not his clothes.

Green sweatpants and a green shirt with a hamster on it. Not hers, either. He was going to assume by the theme and color, and the smell, that these belonged to Sho…and now he had a decision to make. Either walk around nearly naked and put on the clothes he had been wearing already, it wasn't like putting dirty clothes on would make much of a difference at this point, or wear….that. Cheap fabric, a color that did nothing for him, that smelled like someone had put a hamster cage inside of a musty old drawer…decisions, decisions…

He decided to get dressed.

It wasn't like she hadn't seen him naked already but…but he didn't want to feel naked. Not when she had made him feel like…he didn't want to think about it. Naked, but not in a fun way, in a vulnerable and painful way. He pulled the shirt over his head. Somebody needed to teach Sho how to store his clothes. Someone needed to teach him his colors and his fabrics. Polycotton loved to trap dirt and whatever was causing that smell and green for a redhead? Not unless he really like Christmastime. He really should have been wearing more earthy tones, warm earthy tones, and patterns instead of graphics. Or maybe something cool, too, since he was so pale and his eyes were so blue…he and Sho were going to have to go shopping together at some point when this was over.

If he planned on leaving with Shigeko, that was.

"Oh, you're done already. I have more clothes if you don't like those but it looks like you do so…um…you can wear these later. I mean if Sho doesn't take them back." Said Shigeko as she rounded the corner with an armful of clothes. She was in a different outfit, her shirt had a different snowflake on it, and she had tried to brush her hair. Somehow she looked so much more put together than him…and she was winter themed in June!

Maybe because she hadn't had her heart ripped out and shown to her.

"Uh, thanks, I guess. I'll just…uh…thanks." Said Teru, rubbing the back of his head. She was staring at him now. Her eyes and aura were focused. He felt like something trapped between pieces of glass under a microscope. Something to be studied before it was picked apart…if there was even anything left of him for her to pick apart in the first place.

"What's wrong?" asked Shigeko, finally, after what had felt like hours and hours of study.

"Nothing." Teru replied quickly. Automatically. Because that was what he was supposed to say, wasn't it? When someone asked you if something was wrong. At least one of them knew what to say…at least one of them knew how to lie. Because one of them was nothing but lies after all…

"Are you sure? Because it looks like there's something wrong and I'm not good at these kinds of things but I want to get better and if you don't like me anymore or…or anything then you can go but I don't want that and-" Shigeko looked like she was going to cry. Teru swallowed down whatever he was feeling, everything that he was feeling, and took her hand.

She felt cold and clammy.

"Of course I still like you, I love you." said Teru in that way that girls liked. Of course he always said that he liked them, he never got so dramatic as to tell someone he loved them, but Shigeko seemed to like that kind of drama. She was a Disney fan after all.

"I love you too but…but I just…I don't want it to be like it was before. When you wanted me to leave or…you thought that I didn't like you. I don't want you to not want to be with me. I don't think that I could handle being alone…being without you." said Shigeko

"Then why did you…nothing." Said Teru quickly. But not quickly enough. Of course she noticed and of course she was looking at him and of course he was going to have to find some way to dig himself out of that hole…if there was even a way. Or maybe he needed to stay in that hole, to dig deeper, to get to the point of…of finding out why she'd hurt him. Maybe that was just her being real. Maybe he couldn't recognize it, was hurt by it, because nothing about him was real. Maybe she had realized that he had nothing real to offer her, not even himself, and maybe she had realized…realized other things like that…things the spirit had taught him…

Things that Reigen had spent months telling him weren't real. True.

"I mean then why did you…just…why did you say all of that? I'm sorry. I just…I mean I know why you said it but did you have to…I'm sorry. I sound pathetic. Right now." said Teru

"No you don't, you could never sound pathetic. I feel bad, though, because I don't know what I said." Said Shigeko

"You don't….you don't remember the part when you told me I was bad in bed?" asked Teru. How could she not have….her not knowing, not remember, was somehow worse than when she'd first said it.

"When did I say that? That doesn't sound like me but also I haven't really been myself lately. Maybe I'm still Minegishi. That sounds like something that they'd say." Said Shigeko

"You told me that it seemed like I was trying really hard…you don't have to try and be polite. It means the same thing either way." Said Teru

"That you worked really hard to try and make me feel good?" asked Shigeko

"No! That I tried and I failed and…and it shouldn't even be trying! I should just know what to do like everyone else and…and I'm sorry." Said Teru

"For yelling or thinking that I would ever think something so mean about you?" asked Shigeko

"For…both?" asked Teru

"Ok, I accept your apology, and I would never be so mean to you. I meant what I said, you worked really hard to try and make me feel good, and I appreciated it." Said Shigeko

"But you still didn't, that's the point." Said Teru

"I liked being with you." said Shigeko

"But I'm still bad in bed." Said Teru. She got a far off look in her eye like she was thinking…thinking about….he didn't want to know what she was thinking about. But he did. She was thinking about how, yes, he was right and he was terrible and now she never wanted to do that with him again and-

"You're not bad, you just haven't had a lot of practice, that's all. We just need to practice more and that's ok because we're in a relationship and…and then it's ok." Said Shigeko. Now it was Teru's turn to think. She wasn't alluding to anything. She wasn't trying to tell him that he sucked. She wasn't like that and he…he never should have thought that she was. So she was being sincere and…whoa…

"S-Sure. I mean if you want to." Said Teru. That hadn't been smooth at all. Somehow she could still blindside him with that. They'd done it twice now, he shouldn't have been so nervous and shocked when she asked to do it with him, he should have been used to this. This should have been old news to him.

He should not have been smiling like that.

"I do, but let me take a shower first and then I think maybe we should eat something…but here. I don't want to go down to the cafeteria where the Awakened are. They just…they always ask a lot of things of me and I just…I don't want to be in charge of them right now. But we have good food here! We have pop tarts and chips and cookies and all three kinds of milk-" said Shigeko

"Do you have anything that isn't empty calories?" asked Teru before he could think. He mentally cursed himself. He was just too used to Reigen, that was all, Reigen was always buying junk food even though he knew it was bad for you…but Reigen wasn't his girlfriend. It was alright to insult Reigen a little. Shigeko was his girlfriend and he had probably just made her feel like trash…he sucked at this!

"I don't know which are the empty ones and which aren't but I have a lot of stuff. Sho has more than me, though, and now that I think about it we should spend time with Ritsu, too. He seems lonely, he's only got the hamsters for company, and…and he's my little brother and I don't really know him so…so it would be nice to talk to him some more. If you want to, of course." Said Shigeko

"I want…whatever you want." Said Teru. He had spent years with Ritsu. He'd heard everything that Ritsu had to say and done everything that Ritsu wanted to do. He had so little time with Shigeko. He just…wanted whatever she wanted. He just wanted to make her happy. He just wanted to be a good boyfriend.

He just wanted her to love him.

"But first can you show me how to turn the shower on? It's kind of weirdly complicated." Said Teru. He felt pathetic, then, asking her for help…but he knew that if he didn't shower soon neither of them would be happy. And that was what he wanted, for her to feel happy, because when she was happy then he…he felt everything. He felt everything that there was to feel all at once. And it could be scary, and it could be difficult, but it was better than feeling the way he'd been feeling since they'd last parted.

No. There was nothing more difficult than feeling like that.