So, I own not the Twilight, the Labyrinth, or anything else that is so blatantly, obviously NOT mine. I also own not the Cullens…I just keep the boys as pets. They likey. They know it. :D
Also, I just returned from the West side of the mountains. As in Western Washington by the way, and now I'm back in the snow globe from hell. That's right, nearly four feet here in Eastern Wa. I'm personally missing the green. Oh well.
Thanks to all of my awesome reviewers! You make me smile so much. So, onwards with Keep Away with the Cullens….
Edward's POV
I didn't know where I was.
Who I was.
Who my family was.
All I knew was that She. Wasn't. Here.
I briefly heard Alice's giggles halt. Her mind questioning my sanity.
Whoa Edward. She replayed the roar I had released in the door way of my and Bella's room. I heard all thoughts go quiet for a split second of peace before I spun on my heels and headed downstairs. I had to find her scent. I heard Carlisle reach out to me, pointing me in the right direction as I bolted out the back door towards the tree line.
Seth continued to snore.
Rosalie's POV
Poor Edward…snort.
I heard the verbal bitch slap Seth gave him. And no matter how much I hate those mutts, I have to give it to Bella. She's a sadistic one.
I wanted to give the jeep a new paint job anyways.
Really she did me a favor. I couldn't help another snort.
Emmett just looked at me funny.
"What?" I asked, covered in Esme's all purpose goop and rancid paintballs.
"Did you just….snort?" he asked.
I snorted again, laughing. Today was too much. My clothes were ruined, my hair was ruined, I had been dragged around by my insane brother for far too long, and all I wanted was a shower. I was just happy Edward was leaving me the hell alone and I could get back to my life…un-life…damn it, my existence.
"Come on babe, let Edward freak out about Bella on his own. We're not responsible now."
I grabbed my gooey, heartbroken husband by the hand and pulled him along…away from his baby.
"Bu…but Rosie, my baby. She needs me. We can't leave her like this." I could hear the exasperation in his voice.
"Emmett, you're lucky you're married to me or else you would be reattaching limbs for calling that jeep your baby. Come on." I pulled him from the garage and we headed towards the house.
I know I should be angry. But I can't be. Bella's finally shown some backbone. Surprisingly. I honestly had to give her props. She went with all the bull we pulled and instead of whining to Edward, she's out for fucking blood…venom…whatever. And that mongrel…nice touch.
We passed Esme and her camera as we headed inside. She quickly snapped a photo of us and hurried to the garage before either of us said anything. I had it. I could care less right now. I'll swipe the photos later anyways. The look on her face was too sweet to ruin. A mother enjoying her children's bickering and suffering.
We passed Alice and Jasper on the stairs, laying in each other's arms as they rode out the last of their giggles. I ignored them both as I pulled Emmett towards our bedroom.
Today was the day I finally lost my mind. My family finally drove me insane.
I needed a shower.
Emmett needed a shower.
Edward is lost in the woods half crazed hunting for Bella.
And I could care less.
I think I finally snapped.
Alice's POV
Oh. My. Word.
Rose and Emmett are beyond stench. They are beyond reeking. I've known corpses that smell better than those two. Hell, I've dined on corpses that smelled better than those two.
"I know Alice, I know." Apparently my beloved felt my disgust and revolt as Thing One and Thing Two from the Bog of Eternal Stench passed by.
We laid on the stairs, just thinking…and smelling. Between Rose and Emmett, and the werewolf taking up residence in Edward's room, and whatever Bella did to the house, it was a veritable trash heap.
"We should clean the house." I said, looking at Jasper. An idea came to me.
Jasper's head shot up, gazing at me with that familiar glint.
"We should start in our room." He whispered.
Aha, so my husband was a mind reader afterall.
I one fell swoop I was in Jasper's arms and within seconds I was bouncing on the mattress where he threw me. A giggle escaped my lips before Jasper crashed his lips to mine.
No Edward in the house! I sang to myself.
Ugh!
"What's wrong?" Jasper asked as I pulled back from him, breaking our steamy kiss.
"That smell. I feel like I'm locked in a cage with the entire La Push pack." I muttered.
"Alice," Jasper half whined, half chastised.
"Sorry sweetie, but I can't be in here with that smell." I sniffed the air. It smelt like it came from the closet.
My closet to be precise.
I launched myself off the bed and to the sliding door. Opening it I was met with wolf stench and…Oh fuck! She didn't!
I barely registered the glass shattering scream emitting from Rosalie's bathroom.
What did Bella do?!
Emmett POV
Rose had just stepped out of the shower as I was drying off when I heard her shrieking like a banshee…and the mirror of our bathroom shattering.
"Rose, baby what's wrong?" I rushed into the room to see a very enticing, very colorful Rose standing before the shattered mirror.
I saw orange.
I saw green.
And I saw a fist coming at my face when I started to laugh.
I also saw a flash of light before Rose took off towards the camera's owner in nothing but a towel.
I just stood there, gazing at the shattered glass shards scattered about the marble counter. That's when I noticed a flash of emerald in one of the shards still intact in the mirror's frame.
A mixture of pride and annoyance towards Bella rose in my chest as I realized I had used Rosalie's shampoo while we were in the shower. But I had gotten out before Rose used her body wash….oh fuck!
Green Umpa Lumpa hair.
Pumpkin orange skin.
My wife is straight out of a Gene Wilder acid trip.
I suppose I should go find her.
As I made my way to the hall I heard Alice screaming about something and Jasper standing at the head of the stairs with a look of amused pain plastered on his face. Usually when Alice is upset he's trying to calm her. What was pulling him away from her as she threw a bitch fit?
That's when I noticed the orange and green stained towel laying quietly on the top step.
My wife wasn't just a life sized Umpa Lumpa…she was a naked life sized Umpa Lumpa.
Score!
Jasper grimaced as I chuckled to myself. Mr. Emo confederate can't handle the lust, he can go hunt up Edward in all his emo glory.
I turned my attention to the scene below us.
My beautiful Rosalie was chasing Esme around the living room, demanding that she relinquish the camera.
"Dude, you know Bella did this." Jasper muttered lowly.
"Yeah."
"Gotta give her props." He sighed as Alice started cursing something about werewolves and one of a kind pieces of something else or other.
"Oh yeah. I think she deserves a fuckin' parade for this one." I said.
"You do know your hair's green, right?" Jasper asked. Esme dodged Rose's tackle, an orange streak ground into the white carpet.
"Yep." I was all I said.
So Rose has been taken out…and yeah, she's naked attempting to crash tackle Esme. Poor Esme.
Stay tuned for the next installment to see the devestation Bella has brought about to Alice and her closet of Barbie torture.
So, ya'll know the drill. Review and you get a seven minutes in a closet (yeah that just came off the top of my head) with the Cullen of your choice. Don't review and Mike Newton gets you in the closet for seven minutes…and Aro…in the speedo…*le shudder* Happy Holidays, New Years' etc… - :D The Mad piratehannelore~!!!
