No I'm not dead….but my laptop is.
Ok, so no excuses but my old lappy, Eron (yes, I name EVERYTHING; no I'm not a hippie) had a cracked screen. Eron was sent back to HP to get it fixed. Mind you, Eron had the crack when I bought him…warranty SHOULD HAVE FIXED IT, but HP sucks ass and thus they wanted to charge me $435 and some odd cents. Thus, I bring you Lola Kinkyboots. She's awesome, she's new, and she's BLUE. Just like the cell phone, which is aptly named Eduardo Kinkyboots. And the trucks named Dorkus. Now ya'll know just how weird this Uni student is. Ok, so, I had this chapter written. Written on a lappy I had on loan from the Uni Library. But like the moron I can be, I saved to the C drive and rebooted…and lost the chapter. The loaner wipes everything on every reboot. And then I had to return it. And then midterms came about. And I figured out the perfect revenge for Jasper…and…ergh, blargh! And then, finals arrived. I know, I know!
*hangs head and mutters 'Le Sigh'*
So, our threat is brought to you by madeinchina371. She's extremely creative and thus, I'm so jacking her threat. Really, its ultimately where this would have lead to. It was eventual after all. And it's oh so delicious! Lol.
Jasper's POV
I have got to get away from this.
The emotions are running high. Too high. Between the werewolf upstairs, Emmett and, when did he grab a video camera? Rosalie pissed off, Esme earily calm, and Carlisle-is he basking in the love!?!?!
What. The. Fuck!?!?!
I don't even want to think of the emotions coming off my Alice. I'm no good to her if I can't rein in my emotions.
Twitch.
"Whoa, Jazz my man," Emmett turned from his current hobby of video tapping a naked Rosalie and noticed my eye and its ever so slight twitch.
I gave Emmett a proper glare before turning on my heel and stalking off towards my study.
My sanctuary.
I quickly hustled thru the door and slammed it shut behind me. Leaning against the wood I sighed in relief.
Freedom.
Until I smelled it.
Something sweet, and spicy and….papery?
WTF?!
Fucking Peru!
I opened my eyes and was greeted with a life size cutout of Edward and Alice…in Peruvian ponchos.
The stereo, set on a motion sensor, turned on, blaring Eres Tu throughout the room.
The memories came flooding back.
The late seventies.
Alice, Edward and I decided to take a mini vacation to Peru. Alice and I for a who-knows-how-many honeymoon and Edward was studying ancient medical practices of the indigenous people. This included a rather eventful trip into Ecuador with the Shuar tribe…better known as headhunters.
We were on a bus heading towards the airport when the driver decided to play the song.
Originally I found it quaint and took to singing to Alice. How she is the fire of my heart and so on.
It was sweet the first few times.
Around the tenth time people were becoming annoyed. Edward was hearing the thoughts of the other passengers and the driver, the vein in his head slowly beginning to throb in annoyance.
Alice was bouncing happily, rubbing soothing circles into my thigh when she gasped.
Edward cursed lowly under his breath. "Fuck."
"Edward?" I had asked, as his annoyance grew tenfold.
The bus swerved to avoid a cow in the road. We plowed into the side of the mountain, causing a landslide.
When we had stopped moving, everyone was ok. No injuries, thank you God.
But we were stuck.
And the three vampires could not dig ourselves and the others out.
Apparently several local tribal members were on the bus and was suspicious of us from the moment we got on.
Why had Alice insisted on the tourist experience of taking the bus?!
That damn song was still playing. Apparently the tape deck broke and there was no way of fixing it without arousing suspicion. If the locals suspicion grew, we would be dealing with the Volturi in the next few months. Or so Alice had informed us.
By the time we were dug out six hours later, the bus was filled with a near lethal combination of lust, annoyance, fear, and, thanks to my beloved, bouncy contentment. A young newlywed couple decided to use the washroom in the back to practice conceiving their first born.
They were an epic fail in the baby department.
But I was this close to ravishing Alice in front of the entire bus load of people.
People were hot, muggy, and tired.
And that damn song kept playing.
It started with my eye, as usual.
By the end of it all I was a twitching mess, praying for my freedom. Curled up in the fetal position, starring aimlessly off into space.
Alice took the opportunity to see how pretty a woman I would be. Lipstick, rouge and all.
Somehow she got me into a damn dress!
Edward had to carry me off the bus.
I dragged Alice into the jungle.
We stayed there for a week.
Needless to say, that damn song has been banned from the house…along with Peruvian ponchos and bus trips. No emotional flashbacks needed here.
I had sworn the family to silence.
Every time that song came I started twitching and sunk to the floor, emotion after hellish emotion crashing over me.
I'm. So. Fucked.
Emmett's POV
"Jazz, come here!" I hollered. Turning around, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Pansy must be hiding in his study.
Can't have that, can we.
I pushed open the door, hollering. "Jazz, seriously, Rosie nearly got Esme in a head-whoa! I thought those were banned!"
Life size cutout of Edward and Alice stood in the center of the room. Eres Tu played from the stereo. It smelled like a frickin' jungle in here. And Jasper.
Dear, sweet, emo Jazz was laying on the floor, in the fetal position, absently mindedly singing along with the song.
The emotions coming off him were utter hell. I had the urge to drag Rose off to our room for a week, kicking the living hell out of the next thing that moves, cry like a baby, and….bounce?
I quickly set the camera on the shelf to get footage of Jasper rocking on the floor. Then I did the only thing I could do, shut the door and walk away.
If I could cry, I would.
Bella was the grand mistress.
Her skills are legendary.
I wouldn't even go there. The Peru trip of Hell was a strictly taboo subject in this house.
Bella is Epic.
If you fail to review my lovelies, you shall be forced to accompany Mike and Aro on their next romantic weekend. Yes, they are now lovers as they are done denying their love for one another. This was discovered over a romantic dinner with wine and candle light.
If you do review, you get to control the button that electrocutes our two freaky lovers every time they attempt to 'get-r'done!' Fun for hours, I swear! Don't review, and you'll be stuck with them as a snack for Aro and a sex therapist for Mike. *shudders*
Happy Easter my lovelies!
