Episode 6: Drake robs Mexico

[The screen square intro]

"I've lived in San Diego my whole life," said Drake.

"I've always lived in San Diego," Josh said.

"The two of us have always wondered about different cultures," Drake said.

"We've been interested in different cultures a long time, but don't know much about them. Last week, for instance, Drake asked the teacher why black people gave up having a separate bathroom," said Josh.

"Take black people for instance. They used to have their own exclusive bathrooms. No Josh, no Megan, no anyone. How cool is that?" Drake said.

"A few amounts of time ago, I tried to be a religious Jew. That was a weird experience," said Josh.

"But people always say one thing."

"But one thing's very important."

"Don't offend the culture," said both boys at once.

"You don't want people upset with you," Josh said.

"Like they're actually gonna get upset if you just wing it," Drake said.

[Screen square intro ends]

"Guess who's going on tour!" Drake called in the living room.

"Umm... AC/DC?" asked his stepfather, coming onto screen.

"Walter..." Drake said, dissapointedly.

"So, they're not on tour?" Walter asked.

"Walter, I meant me."

"Oh?" Walter asked. "Oh yeah, you got signed to a record label."

"And I'm his manager," said Josh proudly, walking into view.

"I talked to your mother about this. We'll see if we'll let you continue your tour if the first few shows go well," Walter said.

"You did not talk to Mom. You just found out about this," Drake said indignantly.

"I agree with your stepfather," came Audrey's voice from offscreen.

The two boys threw up their hands in dissapointment.

"Who's AC/DC?" asked Josh.

[Arrow transition]

The boys were standing on a small stage in front of a synagogue.

"Half the crowd isn't even for me. It's for that stupid Jewish wedding," said Drake.

"I hope the next stop goes better so we can leave town and get money," said Josh.

"And girls," said Drake. "Okay, maybe for me, probably not for you."

"Well, thanks!" said Josh sarcastically.

Drake's watch beeped.

"Oh, it's time to start," Drake said. "Get backstage and I'll play with my band who has definitely been here the whole time."

The camera pulled back to reveal Drake's band. Josh walked offscreen.

"Hello, everybody. We're here to make some music. It's gonna be cool!" Drake called.

There was a general murmur of assent from the stock photo crowd.

"I usually play pop rock, but we're starting off tonight with something awesome. SLAYER!"

"Who am I? I know nothing about myself," said Drake's bassist.

The band started playing a thrash metal song, struggling to keep time because it is very fast. Nineteen seconds in, Drake stubbed his toe and screamed. No one noticed. Drake then started singing the lyrics to Angel of Death by Slayer in his usual bubbly singing voice.

Destroying without mercy

To benefit the Aryan race

There was a quick cut to Josh's face as he got his trademark concerned and confused expression.

Surgery with no anaesthesia

Feel the knife pierce you intensely

Inferior, no use to mankind

Suddenly, Drake shouted "Woah!". A rabbi started wrestling the microphone from him. The rabbi pulled the mic closer to his mouth.

"Get out of here! Don't cause any pogroms," he yelled.

Drake looked confused.

[Intro song]

Well, I never thought it would be so simple, but

I found a way, I found a way

If you open up your mind (See what's inside)

It's gonna take some time to realign

Over your shoulder, you know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up when you're down

So just turn around

Hoo!

The two boys walked into their living room looking defeated.

"So, how did your concert go?" asked Audrey.

"It went great," said Drake.

"My son, the rock star," said Audrey. "I'd either be proud or upset if I had a personality."

"It was a disaster!" said Josh. "We got kicked out in the first song."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about that and wasn't lying," said Drake.

"What happened?" Audrey asked.

"I don't know," said Drake. "This synagogue guy just started yelling at me and cutting my mic."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have been singing a song about the Nazis killing Jews!" Josh shouted.

"That's what the song's about?" Drake asked.

"What did you think it was about? Pumpkins?" the taller brother yelled.

"I thought it was about an angel named Of Death," Drake responded.

"How do you manage to get out of bed?" Josh asked.

Drake clenched his fists.

"Boys, don't fight," Audrey cautioned. "And Drake, don't be a Nazi."

"Okay," Drake said.

The two boys walked offscreen. Megan walked into view.

How big is this house, Mom?" she asked.

"Why are you asking?" said Audrey.

"We've got a giant living room, a giant boys' room, a normal size kitchen, my room is small. How big is this house and are there any other rooms?"

"I don't know how many square feet this is. Of course we have other rooms like... uh, ah,... um..."

[Arrow transition]

The boys were sitting in their room. Josh was reading from a textbook.

"Why are you studying? I don't even know when school is," Drake said.

"I'm gonna have more time to do my homework now that we won't be moving around," said Josh.

"Why won't we be moving around?" Drake asked.

"Because you ruined your tour," Josh responded.

"I didn't ruin the tour. It was that Jewish guy who grabbed my mic," said Drake. "Besides, we got another gig tomorrow."

"What? We do?"

"Yeah, it's just a couple of miles away in Mexico. I might move to Mexico some day."

"'Move to Mexico'?" Josh repeated.

"Yeah, like, when I get older in a million years, if Megan gets me down, I can move to Mexico."

"Why?" Josh asked.

"It's not that far away and there's a lot of tacos. Plus, I know no little girl can get me in trouble down in Mexico."

"Would you let me stay with you?" Josh asked.

Drake thought for a moment.

"I would consider it," he said.

Josh rolled his eyes.

"I'm gonna rock that church's socks off," Drake said.

"It's in a church?" Josh asked. "I'm gonna have to dress nice."

"You don't have to dress nice for a concert," said Drake. "I'm not Frank Sanitation."

"'Frank Sanitation'?" Josh repeated.

[Arrow transition]

The boys were standing in front of a large church.

"Wow, we're on a new set," Josh said.

"Okay, Josh. This is stupid. We're not on a TV show," Drake said.

"But think about it," said Josh. "We hardly ever go anywhere, we only remember seeing the same three rooms in our house, we don't know our own ages, AND our schedules or completely random. Plus, there's a camera pointed at us."

"Come on, Josh," said Drake. "That cameraman isn't filming us, he's filming a telenovela. Let's just get in."

They went into the church, which was marked as "Church of our Holy Saint Schneider". Inside, they found lots of murals and stained glass windows of foot washing.

"Woah," said the two boys.

"What's with all the feet?" Drake asked.

"This is very weird," Josh said.

"It's kinda weird," Drake said.

"Why are they so obsessed with feet?"

"Well, it's a Cripsian thing because Geez Cripes washed peoples' feet."

"It's not natural to put this much emphasis on it. EMPHASIS ON IT!" said Josh.

"People have feet, Josh," said Drake.

"What if God really likes feet and He keeps making weird things happen so He can look at them?"

"So, you're telling me that you think there's some crazy god who messes with us so He can look at out feet?" said Drake.

"It DOES seem unlikely when you put it like that," Josh said Joshily.

"Now, stop bothering me; I've got a show to put on," said Drake annoyedly.

"Okay, but don't put on any crazy music like last time."

He walked away, revealing what was behind him. It was a statue of an evil smiling fat man in monk robes. Below him was a plaque that said "St. Schneider the Great, Patron Saint of adolescence, feet, humor, urine, and crustaceans".

[Arrow transition]

Drake and his band were on a stage in the church in front of an audience.

"Hello, everyone," he said. "I'm Drake Parker and this is my band. We played that song in the Super Bowl and now it's number one in the country."

He didn't remember he was in a different country.

"I've never played in a church before and especially not in a cat-holic church before. I haven't gone to churches much before, but my mother is a prostate, which is different."

The stock photo crowd did not move.

"I have no idea who I am," said Drake's drummer.

"¿De qué está hablando Drake?" came a voice from the stock photo crowd.

"All right, San Diego- I mean tea a wanna, it's time to make some noise. 1, 2, 3, 4..."

His band started playing the show's theme song, I Found A Way, but faster. During this time, a small sculpture of Geez on the cross fell off the wall and landed on the floor.

Drake then began playing Makes Me Happy at normal tempo. The camera cut to Josh, who said "Did the Super Bowl happen before or after we won that dance contest?"

Multiple arrow transitions show Drake and his band playing various songs, including Never Gonna Give You Up. Drake finished the set and bowed his head to lukewarm applause from the crowd. He walked behind the stage and on the floor below.

"Ooh! What this?" Drake said, picking up something on the floor.

"Do you even know your name?" Drake's rhythm guitarist said to his bassist.

"No. Do you?" said the bassist.

[Arrow transition]

Back at the house, Megan was sitting on the couch, using her laptop.

"What if the word "car" were an adverb?" she said aloud.

Audrey appeared in the kitchen.

"Is it normal for women around forty-five to stop having a personality?" she said to herself.

Megan looked at the clock.

"Almost time for Hayley's party."

She shut her laptop and walked towards the kitchen.

"Mom, I'm going to Hayley's party. Could you drive me?" she said to her mother.

"No," said Audrey. "I'll be too busy practicing looking disapprovingly with my arms crossed. You should get Dad to do it while I look up maternal scowling tips."

"Okay, I'll go get him," said the young girl. "Just don't look up my browser history at all when you're on the laptop."

Megan then walked offscreen. Audrey looked intrigued.

"My daughter has always acted so secretive," she said to herself. "I wonder what's going on."

She walked out of the kitchen.

"I know I'm not supposed to nose around in my child's business, but I wonder..." said Audrey Parker-Nichols as she stepped through the living room. "She did recently have her first bleeding."

Audrey picked up the laptop.

"I just want to see if my daughter has been looking at inappropriate pictures of boys on the web."

She opened the laptop and pressed a few buttons. Soon, she began reading Megan's search history. With each search her face showed a weird range of emotions.

"How to eat a baby... Where to contact those guys who blew up those towers... Colorful ponies... How to buy nitroglycerine... ... Boob torturing tips... Nail polish store... Distance from San Diego to Seattle... Hairbrushes..."

Audrey looked very confused.

"I barely know my own daughter," she said.

[Arrow transition]

The boys were back in their room.

"I barely ever remember walking outside. It's like we live on a film set," said Josh.

"Josh, we're real people," said Drake. "We don't live on a set."

"I hope not," Josh replied.

Walter walked into the room.

"Welcome back, boys. How was the concert?" he asked.

"Concert? I don't remember seeing a band today," Drake said.

"You were the band, Einstein!" Josh said.

"Oh, yeah. It went great. Maybe soon, I'll actually play at a show that's not a short drive from home."

"That would be great," said Walter. "Uh... I mean it would be great for you to be so successful."

"Gee... thanks," Drake said.

Walter left the room.

"I hope we don't go far away soon," Josh said. "I don't want to miss any school."

Drake stared at his stepbrother in disbelief. He quickly moved on.

"One thing I forgot to tell you," he said. "I got this as a souvenir."

He reached into his backpack and pulled out the small statue of Geez on the cross.

"Where did you find that?" Josh asked.

"It fell from the wall at St. Schneider's. Pretty cool, huh? I'm gonna put him on my wall."

"Drake, you stole a decoration from the church?" Josh said, shocked.

"I may give it back," Drake reasoned.

"You've got to give it back. You're a theif," Josh said. "Besides, you're not even religious."

"I thought it would look cool if there was a dead guy on my wall. Besides, the church isn't gonna care if one thingy is missing."

[Arrow transition]

Back in Tijuana, a priest was looking at the church wall and said "Recuperaremos nuestra propiedad de los ladrones". The camera then went back to San Diego.

"Hello?" said Walter into the phone.

There was a bit of silence.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying," Walter said before hanging up.

"Who was that, honey?" asked Audrey.

"I don't know. It was some angry man speaking Spanish."

"I got a call just like that too," said Audrey curiously.

"You mean like, now?" Walter asked.

"No, when I forgot to pay the taxi driver in Barcelona. And also today."

Drake walked into view.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"We keep getting angry phone calls in Spanish," said Walter.

Drake's eyes became big.

"Do you know anything about that?" Audrey asked.

"N-no. No, I don't," Drake said.

His mother looked at him suspiciously. Drake left the room.

"Why is is that whenever something weird happens to us, it always involves our boys?" Walter asked.

Audrey shrugged defeatedly.

"And furthermore, when did you go to Barcelona?" Walter asked.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were sitting in their room. Josh was using his Gamesphere.

"When do we next go to school? What grade are we in, even?" Drake asked.

"Those would be very stupid questions, except I somehow don't know," Josh responded.

"So, who's the moron now?" Drake said mockingly.

Josh ignored him.

"Just an hour ago, I got a phone call from a girl who..."

"What girl would ever call you?" Drake interrupted.

"WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH MY SENTENCE?" Josh shouted. "I got a phone call from a girl who was shouting something in Spanish. She sounded angry."

"Did you not pay for your pizza or something?" Drake asked.

"That's Italian, Drake," Josh said. "No, I think it's because of you."

"She was angry that you picked up and not me?" Drake said.

"NO, SHE'S ANGRY BECAUSE YOU TOOK A THING FROM HER CHURCH!" Josh shouted.

"Woah, just take it easy, man," said Drake.

"You should give them back the statue that you took... and you distracted me too much; I just died."

"You mean in the game, right?" Drake asked.

"Yes," Josh said, flabbergasted.

"Cool," his stepbrother responded.

"And for your information, one girl would call me. Mindy is my girlfriend."

"Ugh, Mindy," responded Drake, doing a retching motion. "What a grunch."

"That tears it!" shouted Josh, who slapped his brother.

Drake hit him back and a fistfight began. A small girlish voice cackled from behind Josh's bed.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was laying on his bed, holding the statuette of Geez.

"Hey, little Geezy boy. I know you are cool. You died for our sinks and you can send people to Heck. Try doing it to Megan or Mrs. Hayfer."

Josh walked into the room.

"Drake, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing," Drake said, putting the decoration under his pillow.

Josh rolled his eyes.

"You should really give that back," Josh told his stepbrother. "I just got another phone call, and some guy was saying "Devolver noo-estra relikia robada" or something like that."

"What does that mean?" Drake asked.

"I don't know the exact words, but I can understand context!" Josh said.

"Cool," Drake said, blandly.

"Give the wall thingy back," Josh demanded.

"I've already given it back," Drake lied.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes!"

"You went ten miles away to that church in Tijuana and came back before we even noticed you were gone?" Josh said.

"Yuh... yeah," Drake said unconvincingly.

Josh rolled his eyes again and left the room. Megan emerged from behind Josh's bed. She looked at the watch on her wrist and ran. Suddenly, there was an explosion under Josh's bed. Drake screamed.

"Woah," he said after he stopped screaming. "Was that somebody's soul going to Heck?"

[Arrow transition]

Josh was sitting on the couch. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. Suddenly, his face became spooked.

"Woah!" he shouted and changed the channel. "I thought I just saw myself on the TV."

His face grew more relaxed at the new channel he was watching. Suddenly, the phone rang. Josh sighed and picked it up.

"Oh, boy. Yet another freaking call from Mexico," he said a couple seconds later and put down the phone.

He resumed watching the television, but then the phone rang again. Josh picked up the receiver.

"Oh joy! English!" he said upon putting it to his ear. "No, I don't care about my cars extended warranty!"

He hung up the phone and watched TV for a little bit more. Suddenly, the TV went to static.

"Aw, Geez," Josh moaned.

He got up and walked towards the kitchen, where Walter was.

"Dad, the TV went out again. It's time to call Mr. Wilkinson again. Hopefully he won't have another child die."

"Josh... uh... um," said Walter, taken aback at what his son had just said.

"I know it's not certain that it was Megan, but it really could have been," Josh said.

"Megan has probably done many weird things, but she's not a murderer, Josh," his dad said.

Suddenly, Audrey walked into the kitchen.

"Walter, Josh," she said. "I just saw the strangest thing outside. There was some Hispanic guy beating up a satellite dish with a baseball bat and shouting something. Do either of you know what's going on with that?"

"Is it related to those weird calls we've been getting?" Walter asked.

"OH, YES, I KNOW!" Josh shouted.

"You do?" asked Walter.

"Yes, because when I was with Drake in Mexico, he stole a wall decoration, and now the church wants it back."

"You've known about this?" asked Walter.

"Yes, for a little while," Josh said.

"Why didn't you tells us before?" said Audrey.

"Narrative convenience," Josh said.

"What?" asked his stepmother.

"Oh, no reason. I just forgot," Josh said.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was sitting in his room, playing guitar. Josh stormed into the room.

"Hey, what's the ruckus?" said Drake.

"You know very well what the ruckus is," said Josh indignantly.

"Is it still about the statue thing? It's not a big deal."

"Drake, there's Mexicans outside vandalizing our house!"

"Yeah, President Bush said he was going to do something about them," Drake responded.

"What?" said Josh.

The boys stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Drake, turn on the TV," his brother demanded.

"Okay, Mr. Grumpy," Drake said, Drakily.

He walked over to the television set and turned it on. He stared at it for a few seconds.

"Josh, I can't see what you're trying to show me because the TV isn't working. Maybe we should call that repairman again."

"I'll tell you why it's not working! It's because some Mexican dude just broke our sattelite dish because you robbed his church," Josh responded.

"Really?" asked Drakie.

"Yes!" shouted Josh.

Suddenly, the screen shook and there were thumping noises. Eggs started hitting the window.

"I see your point," Drake said.

"Finally," Josh said.

Drake climbed into his bunkbed and got the statue out from under his pillow.

"Let's go tell Mom and Dad about this and go back to Tijuana," Josh said.

"Can we not tell Mom and Walter about this?" Drake asked.

"Whatever," Josh said.

The two boys walked to the door of their room holding the statue of Geez to find Megan in front of them.

"If you think a little holy thing can stop me, then you have no idea what I can do!" said the barely pubescent girl.

"Out of my way, Megan," said Drake, and the boys walked past her, out of the room.

Josh came back into the room, took a small wallet looking thing and went back out.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were sitting on the couch in the living room, and Walter and Audrey were at the table.

"Why is Megan always in her room alone?" Walter asked his wife.

"It's normal for a girl her age to want some secrecy," Audrey replied.

"I'm worried she might be hiding something," said Walter.

The two boys looked at each other excitedly.

"Good thing our boys aren't hiding anything right now," Walter said.

"Yeah, that's rare for them," said Audrey.

Drake tried to make himself look nonchalant while Josh's expression did not change.

"It was great how they decided to return that wall crucifix thingy that you had stolen," Walter said.

"What?" shouted Drake.

"Uh...," Josh said.

"You said you weren't going to tell them!" Drake scolded his brother as Walter and Audrey turned to look at them.

"I figured it was better to lie to you then to them," Josh said, unconvincigly.

"I wondered why you didn't want to come clean about it, Drake," Audrey said, scoldingly.

"I was going to tell you that I had stolen the thingy," Drake said.

"Then why were you upset at Josh for telling us?" Walter asked.

"I, uh, umm... You got me," Drake said.

"My opinion of you has gone down," Audrey said to her son.

"So, they just let it be when you gave it back? They didn't ask for anything else?" Walter asked.

"No. I also gave them a little money from Drake's wallet," Josh answered.

"What?" Drake shouted.

"Well, I figured because it was you who stole it," Josh said to his stepbrother.

"When Mom and Walter aren't here, I'm going to beat you up," Drake said.

"Drake..." his mother groaned.

"Uh... kidding," Drake said.

"The tour is canceled," said Walter. "I said if you got into one more incident."

"Wait, this means I have to stay at home too," Josh said.

"I'm sorry, son," said Walter.

"If I go down, then I'm bringing you with me!" shouted Drake.

[Credits scene]

A large group gathered in the pews of St. Schneider's, when the statue of Geez fell off the wall and broke. Many people in the congregation facepalmed.