Chapter Twelve
I've always felt that life feels better when the trees have grown their green leaves again. A couple of months after my father's death, I step outside Mags's house to see the trees in the Victor's Village have become green once more, and a sense of optimism fills me.
I've spent most of my nights at Mags's house, always careful to do some sort of service for her in return for her kindness. I fix a leaky faucet, plant some flowers in her garden, and make her meals whenever I can. One night, she requests a private dance recital, to which I happily oblige, feeling more like myself as I move my body along to some music.
I see Finnick walking down the street toward me, wearing a loose linen shirt and sandy-colored shorts. "It's good to see your smile again," he says in greeting. "Where're you off to?"
"I was just going to stop at home to get a few things. Want to join me?" I ask, hoping he'll say yes. The emptiness of my house still scares me sometimes.
"Happy to," Finnick says, holding his arm out to me.
Shortly after we enter my house, the phone starts ringing. I don't get many calls, and I'm worried about what the call might be. My hand shakes as I pick up the receiver.
"Hello?"
The voice of none other than President Snow greets me, measured and stern. "Ah, Miss Cresta. We have been trying to contact you for days. Have you been avoiding our calls?"
"I—no. I'm sorry."
"You're right to be sorry. It's best not to inconvenience me."
Finnick looks at me, raising his eyebrows in question.
"I'm very sorry, Mr. President. How can I help you?"
"We have another client for you here in the Capitol, Miss Cresta. I'm not usually the one to make these calls after your first, but since you—"
I know that President Snow continues speaking, but I lower the receiver as I start to tremble uncontrollably. Finnick, who had been watching me closely snatches up the receiver and I want to protest but my ears start ringing and the visions begin. I clench my eyes shut and cover my ears, trying hard to stay in the moment so I can stop Finnick from doing anything that might make the situation worse, but by the time I come to, Finnick is there touching my arms.
"Annie, it's okay." He scans my eyes. "Oh good, you're back. Listen, you don't have to worry about taking clients anymore. Your father is dead. There's nobody they can hold against you."
I think about what he's saying. He's right. My father was the only reason I didn't want to refuse before, and now he's gone. Somehow, I still don't believe President Snow would let it go that easily. "And the president, he just let me turn it down?"
"He didn't have a choice. Besides, I made a deal with him. You'll never have to worry about that again. I promise."
This promise does not make me feel any better. Guilt burns in my chest. "What kind of deal? Finnick, you don't have to do that for me, I don't deserve it. I can suck it up and—"
"It's nothing I wasn't already doing." Finnick strokes my hair. "Besides, it will make it better this way, knowing I'm doing it so that you won't have to."
I can't argue with him, but I still wish he hadn't done it. "Fine. But I'm still mad at you for it." Now every time Finnick has to go to the Capitol, I'll be wondering if it's for me.
Finnick laughs. "I can live with that. Are you feeling okay now? Is there anything you need? I never know how to help you when you get like that."
I'm surprised because Finnick always seems to know exactly how to help me through an episode. "What you do actually helps me a lot. Touching me and talking to me helps ground me and bring me back to reality."
"Really? That's a relief. You have such a hard time; I always just wish there was something more I could do to help."
My cheeks heat in embarrassment. The crazy Victor. "You don't have to."
"I know." Finnick smiles. "But I care about you. Anything you need, all you have to do is ask."
I hesitate, worried that my next request will make me seem even crazier to him. "Actually, there is something that I've had a hard time with since—well, you know."
Finnick nods, quietly waiting for my request.
"There are things that I see or hear, and it's hard to tell if it's actually happening or not. Do you think you could help me understand what's real and what's not?"
"That must be really scary. But yeah, of course. You've just gotta ask."
I think about the things that have troubled me the most since the arena. "Can I ask you some right now?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." I pause, thinking back on the horrifying image of Miguel's headless body on a hospital bed during my interview. "Did they wheel out Miguel's body on the stage when I was giving my interview?"
"No. That wasn't real. That must've been awful though. No wonder you reacted like that."
My cheeks burn once more, embarrassed thinking about how I must have looked, and I drop my head, keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me.
"Okay. That makes sense I guess. What about the image of the girl I killed during my Victory Tour? Do they usually distort the picture so it looks like they're glaring at you if you killed them?"
Finnick's lips press together in a frown. "No. That definitely seems like the kind of torture the Capitol would put us through, but they don't do that."
I try to reconcile what I experienced versus what actually happened. I ask a few more questions, most of which are answered with "not real," before my last one. "And my father. Did he really die?"
Finnick looks sad. "I'm afraid that one did really happen. I'm sorry."
"No, thank you. It helps to clear things up in my head."
"Annie, any time things get confusing to you, you can ask. I really don't mind."
"Thanks, Finnick. It means a lot to me."
Finnick pulls me into a deep hug. The kind where we melt together. I rest my forehead on the spot where his neck meets his shoulder, feeling his heart beat beneath me as my mind spins with the information I've just been handed. Finnick has made sure I never have to go through what happened in the Capitol again, and it might cause him more trouble in the long run. But a lot of the terrifying things I've witnessed since the Games didn't actually happen. I might feel more relieved about that if the memories of them didn't still feel so real in my mind.
Finnick breaks our hug but keeps his hands on my arms. "I was going to go down to the beach today. Do you think you're up for joining me?"
After collecting a few things and dropping them off at Mags's house—Mags turns down an offer to join us at the beach—I'm walking arm in arm with Finnick. I've long since given up on trying to get over my feelings for Finnick. Loving him is one of the only good things in my life, and I'm content to have a one-sided love for him. It's funny, because we have become even closer since he rejected me than we were before, and my love for him has only grown. I figure that as long as he doesn't know it, there's no harm done. At least, that's what I tell myself.
We walk through the market, and I see the baker is selling vanilla sandwich cookies. "Those were Miguel's favorite," I say, eyeing the buttery pastries.
"Did you ever go visit his family?" Finnick asks.
"No. I was too much of a mess after the Games and since then, I don't think they'd want to see me."
"They might. I know that Zelda's family—that's the girl who was my District partner—really appreciated me coming to talk to them after my Games. And it was kind of nice for me too."
I think about this, and find myself buying a dozen of the cookies. "Would you go with me? We don't have to go today."
"Of course! I love meeting new people." Finnick smiles, his dimples showing. "I'm proud of you, Annie."
I blush, and place the parcel of cookies in my bag.
"Tell me more about Miguel. What else do you remember about him?"
I take a deep breath, tamping down anxiety that makes me worry this conversation will trigger another episode. We continue walking past the shops in the market, towards the beach. I tell Finnick what I knew about Miguel. About his best friend and how they'd explore caves along the coast, and what I knew about his family.
"He always seemed like a great guy," Finnick says. "I'm glad he got to be your friend before he died."
"Me too," I say.
We make it to the beach. There are more people here than I expected before I remember it's a day off for fishers and it is one of the first nice days of the year. Finnick makes an excited kind of shriek as he runs into the clear blue water, stripping off his clothes as he goes. I laugh, chasing after him, but stop before I reach the water, still afraid to get back in it.
Finnick makes a dive and comes up, spitting water like a whale's spout. "I can never go too long without seeing the ocean," he shouts as he makes his way back to me. "Life just feels better when I can look out over the shore onto the endless waves."
"I feel the same way about when the trees turn green again," I say.
"Green's my favorite color," Finnick says. "Like a dark green. What's yours?"
I shake my head, laughing at the juvenile question. "Blue," I say simply.
Finnick closes his eyes, his lips in a smile. "Like the ocean."
"Yeah, I guess so." I watch him in the water, wanting to join him but afraid I won't be able to handle it if I do.
"So, do you think you'll join me?" Finnick asks, gesturing back to the water. I had come prepared with a bathing suit on underneath my dress, but my mind is full of worry. "I can hold your hand." He offers, but of course since he's Finnick, he can't just leave it at that. He lowers his voice into that seductive tone of his. "I've been told I have magic hands."
"Gross," I say laughing, but I pull off my dress and take his hand in mine.
Finnick leads me to the water, and we take it slowly, one step at a time. I gasp when water splashes up over my ankles. I had forgotten how cold it feels at first. We wade in slowly until the water is at my waist and we're being gently rocked by the waves as they pass by us.
"How do you feel?" Finnick asks.
I think for a second. My heart is pounding, but something inside me feels excited and I realize I've missed this. "Good," I say with a smile.
I watch as Finnick dives in the water and see him make somersaults as he goes. After a few minutes, I gain the courage to dive down myself, and start searching for some shells. The water is crystal clear today, and I can see some shells peeking up out of the sand. I find one in a really pretty shade of orange, and pop up out of the water. "Look!" I shout to Finnick.
He swims over to me. "Ooh, that's a good one. It reminds me of—"
Finnick is cut off by the sound of someone shouting for help on shore. Something in his expression shifts, and we both swim back to shore. Finnick rushes over to the person crying for help. It's a young girl kneeling next to a young boy, lying unconscious on the sand—both soaking wet.
"What happened?" Finnick asks.
The young girl has tears in her blue eyes, and she sniffs before answering the question. "Roly and I were swimming but he slipped under the water and couldn't come back up. I pulled him out but now he won't w-wake up."
"Annie, take her aside," Finnick commands. I touch the girl's arm and gently lead her a few steps away while Finnick kneels beside the young boy and begins chest compressions.
I remember learning about CPR in school, but I've never actually seen it performed. But as Finnick does the chest compressions, and breathes into the boy's mouth, I know that this is what he's doing. After a few minutes, the boy coughs, spitting up water as he turns to his side, and I know he'll be okay.
"Roly!" The girl cries as she runs to hug him.
"Do you guys have a grown up here with you?" I ask, looking around for someone who might be their parent.
Between sobs, the girl says, "My m-mom. She s-said she'd be back in just a few minutes but it's b-been longer than that."
I look around, and see a woman with wavy brown hair that reaches her waist rushing over. "Leena, what's happened?" She wraps her children in her arms as they explain what happened.
"I'm so sorry, babies, I got held up back at the stall." She turns to me and Finnick. "Thank you for saving Roly." Her face registers recognition when she sees Finnick. "Thank you, Mr. Odair. Is there anything I can do to repay you?"
Finnick shakes his head. "Not at all. I'm just happy I was here."
After the mother takes her children back home, Finnick sits on the ground. "Can we rest here for a bit? Saving that boy wiped me out."
"Yeah of course," I say, sitting beside him. We look out over the waves, the sun still high in the sky. "You know, you never cease to surprise me."
Finnick chuckles. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know if you just have a really good memory or something, but you always seem to remember things that I've long forgotten from school, and you've been out a lot longer than I have." I start to play with the sand beside me, grabbing it in handfuls and letting it fall as I slowly open my grasp.
"Do you want to know my secret?" Finnick asks, a hint of rasp in his voice.
I try to match his teasing tone. "I want to know all your secrets, Mr. Odair."
Finnick smiles, making his dimples appear. "That's going to take a while. But here's my answer to your question. Since I won my Games and had to stop going to school, I didn't really stop learning. I started trading things—money and Capitol goods mostly—with people around the District in exchange for them to teach me their skills." He puffs out his chest. "I've racked up quite a few professional certificates, you know—all unofficial of course. But yeah, basic med training, net weaving, cooking—you name it, I probably learned it."
"Well now you're just making me look bad," I say. The only thing I've learned since my Games was dance, and that was just because I had to.
Finnick gives me a strange look, with a hint of something twinkling in his eyes. "I don't think that's physically possible." He looks at me in that same way just a bit longer, before quickly shaking his head and turning back to the view of the sea. "Now, how about we get back in that water?"
We decide to visit Miguel's family late the next evening in the hopes his family would be home from their work days. Nervous butterflies dance around my stomach as I walk through the District with Finnick. What if they don't want to see me? What if seeing them causes an episode for me and they have to witness that?
My foot catches on a cobblestone in the road, and I hop to keep my balance.
"You okay?" Finnick asks, offering his arm to help me steady myself.
"Yeah," I say, determinedly walking straight ahead as if nothing happened. "I think we're almost there."
We had asked around at the market, and luckily found someone who knew the Vargas family. They told us that if we walked past the bakery, down the street that leads toward the cliffs, and take a right when the houses start getting smaller, we'd find their family in the house with a yellow door.
The houses are starting to get smaller, so we make a right turn and sure enough, there's a house with a yellow door.
I clear my throat as Finnick knocks on the door.
A woman opens the door. Her dark brown eyes widen when she sees us, and she wipes her flour-covered hands on her grey apron.
"Mrs. Vargas?" I ask. The woman nods in response. "I'm Annie Cresta, and this is Finnick Odair. I went—"
"I know who you are. Sorry, you just startled me is all. Please come in, Annie." Mrs. Vargas steps back into her home to let us through the doorway. Their home is small—smaller than the one I grew up in. But it has a homey quality about it. There's a brightly colored woven blanket hung on the wall, some thick tufted cushions for sitting on the ground, and an arched doorway shows a small kitchen.
Mrs. Vargas leaves to gather her family, and Mr. Vargas—his hair almost the exact same as Miguel's—comes out with a small, curly-haired girl who I know is Miguel's sister, Marisol. It's strange but seeing them all together, still obviously caring for each other, comforts me. I give them the cookies, and Marisol lights up at the sight up them, stuffing one in her mouth before her father can stop her, and we all laugh together.
We talk about Miguel and how much he helped me before and during the Games.
"I don't think there's anything I could ever do to repay you for how much Miguel helped me. He was—" My words are cut off by visions swarming in my mind. I shake my head firmly to try to stay in the moment.
Marisol looks at her parents, her eyebrows knit in concern, but her mother just grabs her in her arms and quickly rocks her back and forth, provoking a delighted squeal.
"We could tell you were very good to our son," Miguel's father says. I can see the pain behind his dark brown eyes and I know he must miss Miguel very much. "Thank you for taking such good care of him."
Guilt twists in my stomach. Finnick reaches out to grab my hand before saying, "Well, we don't want to overstay our welcome. I'm sure you want to get back to your dinner preparations."
Miguel's mother smiles and nods. "Thank you for visiting. It really is good to speak with you. Please feel free to visit us any time." She hugs me tightly when we stand up to leave.
Finnick was right, I think as we walk home. "That did help me feel a bit better," I tell him.
Finnick smiles and tells me I'm a natural at meeting new people. "I don't think anyone could help but love you," he says. "You have such a quiet but sweet way of warming people's hearts."
"Do I?" I've never thought of myself in that way before, but I hope that it's true. I would love to make people's lives, or even just days better, by warming their hearts if I could.
